Embracing the chaos/ stress management etc.

[Soror]

I read this meme about a calm woman and it triggered a thought exploration. I tried quickly to find it but I have limited time and couldn't hunt it down (I swear it was on here)  After an extremely stressful period 2 weeks ago that meme really hit home.

I'm trying to develop a sense of calmness. It feels like my perimenopausal hormones thwart me. (I have considered some kind of hormones to help with the peri crazyness but right now I really don't want to change another thing. I've had trouble with my thyroid meds for 2 yrs now due to some recalls and supply chain issues of the med I was on. I think I'm just now finally getting where I need to be (I think). I'd like a bit of time to settle and make sure that's finally sorted)

It *feels* like it has been one stressful thing after another since fil's cancer diagnosis 6 years ago now. 

It just hit me last week of course it does. Dh went to college after his passing and then I went to work PT at first and we started on the train of PS. We added several extra complications and stresses at the same time. It's like I'm a cup that's filled near the top so I hit the overflow point more than I want.

The kids don't do a crazy number of activities- more than some I know- less than others. We're doing less than we have previously as some things never recovered with the pandemic but it feels like a good amount. (as I know that will come up)

things I'm doing to reduce stress--- 

Dh and I have started taking a morning on the weekend to go hiking. It has been great for him as he's getting away from homework and the computer for a bit. We're both getting active outside and spending time together. It's a win/win. It is very hard to make the time but we're both glad we've started this and hope to continue on, at least most weekends.

I'm constantly working on delegating more around the house. I started this in more earnest when I started working in Feb as a means of self-preservation.

 

Women who have made it on the other side of those busy teenage years and changing hormones I'm curious what things you found helpful to slow life down stop the overwhelm? Anything you did to help you enjoy it more and fret less? 

I've thought here lately I've got to stop thinking of this as a time to get through and embrace the chaos. I hate change. I love structure and routine but this is limited right now. I've got to stop thinking just a bit more and things will be different. It's true that dh will finally graduate in 7 months YA) but I've got to stop white-knuckling it. 

I've done some meditation in the past. I really need to pick that up again. I need time focused on settling down my brain and reducing cortisol levels. I've got to get my baseline levels lower. 

(so much rambling here! hoping enough coherence peaks through)

 

Edited October 17, 2023 by Soror

[Pam in CT]

( hugs ).

I don't have much, because although I'm on the other side of perimenopause and teens... nonetheless the last 15 days have very nearly knocked me over the edge too.  You get through one tough phase and the next one rolls right on in, sigh.

 

But. The two bits that jumped out at me from your cri de coeur were these:

4 minutes ago, Soror said:

..Dh and I have started taking a morning on the weekend to go hiking. It has been great for him as he's getting away from homework and the computer for a bit. We're both getting active outside and spending time together. It's a win/win. It is very hard to make the time but we're both glad we've started this and hope to continue on, at least most weekends....

and

4 minutes ago, Soror said:

..I've done some meditation in the past. I really need to pick that up again. I need time focused on settling down my brain and reducing cortisol levels. I've got to get my baseline levels lower.

This last bit has been maybe my own most crucial lesson about stress and stress management over the last (very stressful) year. 

Stress is located in the body. 

It may originate at least partly in the mind, or past history, or outside macro or familial factors, or blah blah blah; but similar past trauma and interior current concerns and exogenous current crap happen to LOTS of people; yet empirically when I look around, some of us are much more flattened by stress while others are more resilient.

So I don't have much, but my own very itty bitty steps toward only-incrementally "better" management of my own stress have been focus mostly on my BODY.  To my great surprise, yin/ restorative yoga (which definitely approaches meditation but, for me at least, with more room to accommodate my guilt around my chronic monkeymind) has been the best management tool. Walking, relentless sleep hygiene, biking, etc.

 

Good luck.

 

[GoVanGogh]

Yoga. For years, I viewed it as an optional hobby, easily dropped when I was stressed and overwhelmed. Now I view it as something I need to lean in to when life is too much. My body now craves it. In fact, I haven’t been able to go for three weeks because I was hospitalized, then we had a close family member pass away unexpectedly and had to travel for the funeral. We just got back in town and yoga was on the top of my list of ways to reconnect to myself. If practiced regularly, it really does help the chaos and chatter in the mind. I do think there is a yoga style for everyone. 
 

Taking care of houseplants is grounding for me. (I also have a large garden.) But there is something special about taking care of houseplants and tending to their needs. 
 

Best wishes. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Epsom salt baths, which I started to prevent severe leg cramps, also helps with calmness a bit and with sleep quality.

Also, I took borage oil capsules regularly when I was in the peri rage mode, and they completely got rid of that unreasonable fury.  I was so glad that I could use a nutrient for that rather than a drug like Prozac, which was the next thing my doctor was suggesting.

I’m long past peri now, and loving menopause.  I struggle with two steps forward and three steps back when it comes to exercise.  Lately I’ve been experimenting with consciously thinking/saying to myself, “I am the kind of person who likes to exercise.”  That helps me to prioritize it higher, but the bad air problems that we have intermittently but lengthily here seem to derail me every time I get onto a roll.  I have not figured out what to do about that.

[EmilyGF]

1 hour ago, Soror said:

 

It *feels* like it has been one stressful thing after another since fil's cancer diagnosis 6 years ago now. 

 

I just wanted to pull this out because, in my household, things went crazy after mil died rather suddenly and in a traumatic way a number of years ago. I feel like we got busy and distracted in part because DH was traumatized and grieving and then he pushed that under for a while by being busy and stressed. He's lately been doing things to deal with it (rather dramatic things, including a full-family cross-country move) and things are getting better. 

Emily

[Indigo Blue]

I agree with the yoga and will add pilates, too. Also, the baths. 
 

Here are some things I have done for myself. They may not apply to your situation or help you, but these have made a difference for me. 
 

Getting the toxicity out of my life. 

1) Less contact with my mom. 
2) Stopped going to a toxic church.

3) Set boundaries with and keep distance from any person or situation that causes stress or seems toxic. A person who can’t be accountable for hurtful behavior? A person who lies? They should get hard boundaries at best and INFJ door slam at worst. 

 

I need constant calm in the form of music, calming apps, etc. It’s the thing I’m obsessed with. Anything to make me feel relaxed and keep ruminating thoughts away. The sounds of fountains, cocks, soft music, that sort of thing. That is usually on while I’m busy at home. Or just a Spotify play list. 
 

Use a gentle, soothing  alarm to wake up by. It really helps. Really. No blaring noises or beeps. It starts you off with a calm feeling as you get up each day. Then a cup of something warm, some stretching/yoga, and a calming app. It can do wonders. 

 

 

 

 

[livetoread]

I would put a plug in for tea (not the drinking kind). We had to shift our expectations and make some adjustments after I was menopausal, but trying to make it a priority has done wonders for both of our stress levels. The hormones released from that are so calming and relaxing, and we get the bonus of connecting with each other which lowers stress too. Like I said, though, we had to shift mentally and not compare tea in our late 20s to now (late 50s) and feel like it's more trouble than it's worth. The other night I got a hip cramp at a very inopportune moment for me, and we just cracked up. It is more trouble than it was, but still so worth it. 

[Beth S]

Just chiming in that Post-Menopause and Empty Nest is truly amazing.
Still dealing with our parents and our young adult kids . . . but it's just not as intense.

Totally agree with stress affecting the body. 

Beginning to exercise daily-no-matter-what about 15 years ago really helped.

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

( hugs ).

I don't have much, because although I'm on the other side of perimenopause and teens... nonetheless the last 15 days have very nearly knocked me over the edge too.  You get through one tough phase and the next one rolls right on in, sigh.

 

But. The two bits that jumped out at me from your cri de coeur were these:

and

This last bit has been maybe my own most crucial lesson about stress and stress management over the last (very stressful) year. 

Stress is located in the body. 

It may originate at least partly in the mind, or past history, or outside macro or familial factors, or blah blah blah; but similar past trauma and interior current concerns and exogenous current crap happen to LOTS of people; yet empirically when I look around, some of us are much more flattened by stress while others are more resilient.

So I don't have much, but my own very itty bitty steps toward only-incrementally "better" management of my own stress have been focus mostly on my BODY.  To my great surprise, yin/ restorative yoga (which definitely approaches meditation but, for me at least, with more room to accommodate my guilt around my chronic monkeymind) has been the best management tool. Walking, relentless sleep hygiene, biking, etc.

 

Good luck.

 

Totally going to echo this re being on the other side of teens/meno doesn’t mean you’re not still dealing with life stuff - YA parenting is a whole new ball game and there can be elder care. 
 

Getting outside and getting your body able to handle stress are huge helps. Nature and a regular exercise practice (yoga and swimming for me) are essential. MAKE TIME for an exercise practice. 
 

I’ll add a couple other things. First, here’s an oft repeated bit of advice: No is a complete sentence. Be comfortable saying no to things that will further complicate your life, your family members’ lives. Someone else can bring the cupcakes next time. Your SiL can hire a caterer for your nephew’s wedding. You don’t have to sew the prom dress. Any time someone asks you to do something, it’s okay for an immediate response to be “let me think about that” if you aren’t comfortable with an immediate No. 

The other piece of advice I give is stop trying to own everyone else’s emotions. As parents, especially of teens in the turbulent years, we are surrounded by all their joy and excitement, but also their angst. It is easy easy to pick up their ragey feelings and disappointments and carry that in our own mind, heart, shoulders. As a parent we always want to see our kids happy and peaceful and delighted with life, but it’s too much to also feel all their emotions, too. It’s hard to concisely describe what I’m talking about here, but when you are feeling off, try to focus on what emotion you are feeling and decide if you actually own that feeling or if you’re carrying it on behalf of someone else. 
 

Big hugs. I think life demands a lot of unimportant things from us these days, but here is where we find ourselves. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

 

So I don't have much, but my own very itty bitty steps toward only-incrementally "better" management of my own stress have been focus mostly on my BODY.  To my great surprise, yin/ restorative yoga (which definitely approaches meditation but, for me at least, with more room to accommodate my guilt around my chronic monkeymind) has been the best management tool. Walking, relentless sleep hygiene, biking, etc.

 

 

 

You beat me to this. I had to make movement every day a higher priority. It seems that when I have sweated a little bit every day, the things....the dirty dishes, the undone chores, the grief that things don't look the way I wanted them to...just don't bug me as much.

[regentrude]

Outdoor time is the best.

What keeps us balanced is that we, since undergrad,  are devoting at least one complete day each weekend to hiking, kayaking, rock climbing. We did it with babies, kids, and now in middle age on our own.There have been very few exceptions to this. DH has an extremely stressful job where the work is never "done"; it takes the conscious decision to step away from the work.

Without the hiking, we wouldn't stay sane.

The other thing I do is prioritize sleep. And eat well. No meals in the car, at the desk, no fast food or packaged junk. I take the time to cook from scratch almost every day. Because if there's no time to feed the body, the schedule is seriously screwed up and needs reevaluated. 

Eta: dh bikes to work,  and I have recently started as well,  because I need more activity in my day. 

Note I say activity, not exercise. I find physical activity that serves a function to be more sustainable than running on a treadmill or moving a gym machine.

Edited October 17, 2023 by regentrude

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

 

I’ll add a couple other things. First, here’s an oft repeated bit of advice: No is a complete sentence. Be comfortable saying no to things that will further complicate your life, your family members’ lives. Someone else can bring the cupcakes next time. Your SiL can hire a caterer for your nephew’s wedding. You don’t have to sew the prom dress. Any time someone asks you to do something, it’s okay for an immediate response to be “let me think about that” if you aren’t comfortable with an immediate No. 

The other piece of advice I give is stop trying to own everyone else’s emotions. As parents, especially of teens in the turbulent years, we are surrounded by all their joy and excitement, but also their angst. It is easy easy to pick up their ragey feelings and disappointments and carry that in our own mind, heart, shoulders. As a parent we always want to see our kids happy and peaceful and delighted with life, but it’s too much to also feel all their emotions, too. It’s hard to concisely describe what I’m talking about here, but when you are feeling off, try to focus on what emotion you are feeling and decide if you actually own that feeling or if you’re carrying it on behalf of someone else. 
 

Big hugs. I think life demands a lot of unimportant things from us these days, but here is where we find ourselves. 

These two things are excellent.

I'm at a point where stuff like the cupcakes, who makes what for Thanksgiving, etc. just. don't. matter.

IF we don't have the cupcakes. Oh well. 

This Thanksgiving I told my dh (we host his family) that I will make 2 turkeys (I smoke them so it's really not that much more work to make 2 than 1) and rolls and a dessert. If all we eat is turkey and rolls and divide that pie 18 ways, then ok. His family can step up or not. I don't care anymore if they get hot and bothered.

Also, exercise and eating well are not luxuries that can be booted off the to do list by "more important things" such as the Thanksgiving meal and the aforementioned cupcakes. I AM busy. Busy going to the Y and going to bed at a good time.

If the 20 somethings in my life don't order their life that way, that's ok, but I need this as a priority right now to cope.

 

And yes, you can allow people to have their feelings and deal with them. "So, what do you plan to DO about this problem?" Is my thing. I can be supportive without fixing it. And if it's just whining. I have a limit on that. 

 

 

I feel you. My dh's father was diagnosed with cancer in 2015. He died in 2016. My dd had a major mental health thing in 2016-2017. I had a major mental health thing in 2017. In 2018, my mil had a major mental health crisis. MY dd got married in 2019.  Finally got my mil a bit more stable and in 2020, then she died of Covid.  It's been one thing like that after another for years. I think it just wears on you after awhile. And it takes longer and longer to bounce back after each thing.

Edited October 17, 2023 by fairfarmhand

[Clemsondana]

When my kids were little, I lived far from family with a husband who was gone for work more than at home.  My kids were not easy little ones.  I remember reading in something, maybe Screwtape Letters, about how people get angry when their expectations aren't met.  In other words, if you expect a busy day and then the day is busy, you do OK.  If you expect to be sitting on the beach and then have the same busy day unexpectedly, you get mad.  That really resonated with me - the idea that often my disgruntlement and stress comes more from unmet expectations than the actual events of the day.   I try to hold more loosely to what I expect from each day, especially in times when much of my schedule is outside of my control.  It doesn't always make it good, but it helps.  

[lauraw4321]

This thread is awesome. Thanks for asking and I’m saving it. 

[kathyl]

8 hours ago, Soror said:

.....

Women who have made it on the other side of those busy teenage years and changing hormones I'm curious what things you found helpful to slow life down stop the overwhelm? Anything you did to help you enjoy it more and fret less? 

.....

I can't speak to the hormone thing.  I never felt it.  Now I'm thinking maybe that was because the uterine cancer cancelled that out??  No idea.

The teen years for us weren't too hectic because we lived out in the woods and mostly stayed home.  I think it was the emotional chaos of having all 5 kids at about the same stages during that time that was the exhausting part more than anything else.  That and my dh who has always been a stressor for me.  But I lived under the illusion that I had some control over my life during that time, so stress was manageable with things like exercise, regular sleep, eating better, etc.

The real stress came when dh lost his job, we had to move (again), and all 5 kids left home for college at the same time (a 12 hour drive away from me and dh), all in less than 6 months.  I was alone with dh for the first time in our marriage.  That was NOT fun.  Plus, I missed my kids terribly.  

Anyway, I just cried for a couple of weeks.  And then I began reading my Bible.  NOTHING I read helped - not the Psalms, not anything - until I got to Revelation.  And for some inexplicable reason reading Revelation over and over just soothed my soul.  I just went with it because I was pretty desperate at that point.   

Eventually, I was able to resume doing things I enjoyed like exercising, sleeping better, eating better, etc.  All things that relate to taking care of the body like Pam in CT said above.  And that helped while I revamped my life and got used to the new normal.

Hugs.   

[Melanie32]

7 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I agree with the yoga and will add pilates, too. Also, the baths. 
 

Here are some things I have done for myself. They may not apply to your situation or help you, but these have made a difference for me. 
 

Getting the toxicity out of my life. 

1) Less contact with my mom. 
2) Stopped going to a toxic church.

3) Set boundaries with and keep distance from any person or situation that causes stress or seems toxic. A person who can’t be accountable for hurtful behavior? A person who lies? They should get hard boundaries at best and INFJ door slam at worst. 

 

I need constant calm in the form of music, calming apps, etc. It’s the thing I’m obsessed with. Anything to make me feel relaxed and keep ruminating thoughts away. The sounds of fountains, cocks, soft music, that sort of thing. That is usually on while I’m busy at home. Or just a Spotify play list. 
 

Use a gentle, soothing  alarm to wake up by. It really helps. Really. No blaring noises or beeps. It starts you off with a calm feeling as you get up each day. Then a cup of something warm, some stretching/yoga, and a calming app. It can do wonders. 

 

 

 

 

Same!!! I also love lighting candles and getting up before everyone else and having time alone in the dark with my candles lit, soft instrumental music playing  and decaf in hand. It soothes my overstimulated mind. I pray and watch the sun come up on my back patio and then read my Bible. Works wonders for me and sets the tone for the day.

Funny that so many of you mention yoga. I’ve been tense and not sleeping well and I just said to my daughter a couple of hrs ago that maybe it’s because I haven’t done yoga in weeks! Going to do some bedtime yoga tonight!

Thanks so much for this thread and everyone’s input. I’m taking notes!

[Eos]

Humor, a few sayings, and occasionally enforced gratitude when I hit rock bottom.  

Humor: I'm sure you know this but teens are really funny.  In all their smelly, wolf-pup, arrogant glory.  Slow down by noticing what's funny in the moment, share funny memes with your teen, even by yourself find humor in situations.  Ask yourself what's funny about what you're looking at.  Narrate it like a football game.  Now Proven By Science!     https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2556917/.  https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S266594412100016X. 

Sayings: not exactly proverbs but my mother always said "this too shall pass" and it can become a mantra.  I have one I used to say during really stressful times that was based in my midwifery practice: "is everybody breathing and nobody bleeding?"  (Unfortunately with teens and with your history, I know this one isn't always reassuring but you get the gist).  I would ask this of myself when my teens would be pulling me into their drama and I needed to wind myself back onto my own bobbin.

Enforced gratitude: when I really hit rock bottom I go ahead and compare my situation with others.  I don't live in Gaza.  I have a warm house.  I eat good healthy food.  I know this sounds annoying and basic but when I'm down and out emotionally I use it.

21 hours ago, Soror said:

It's like I'm a cup that's filled near the top so I hit the overflow point more than I want.

You need some taller cups.  Do you draw, paint, or do pottery?  Make some tall mugs, tall water glasses, tall wine glasses in your mind and visualize them getting taller as you enter a stress response.  

Hugs to you @Soror

Edited October 18, 2023 by Eos

[Eos]

16 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I AM busy. Busy going to the Y and going to bed at a good time.

Thank you for this, it's the hardest thing to prioritize when others have needs.

[Soror]

18 hours ago, Clemsondana said:

When my kids were little, I lived far from family with a husband who was gone for work more than at home.  My kids were not easy little ones.  I remember reading in something, maybe Screwtape Letters, about how people get angry when their expectations aren't met.  In other words, if you expect a busy day and then the day is busy, you do OK.  If you expect to be sitting on the beach and then have the same busy day unexpectedly, you get mad.  That really resonated with me - the idea that often my disgruntlement and stress comes more from unmet expectations than the actual events of the day.   I try to hold more loosely to what I expect from each day, especially in times when much of my schedule is outside of my control.  It doesn't always make it good, but it helps.  

Yes, the bolded, that is exactly what I meant. I have to change my expectations because it is just frustrating me. So, partly I have to embrace the unexpected and partly I have to keep diligent with my boundaries.

20 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

These two things are excellent.

I'm at a point where stuff like the cupcakes, who makes what for Thanksgiving, etc. just. don't. matter.

Also, exercise and eating well are not luxuries that can be booted off the to do list by "more important things" such as the Thanksgiving meal and the aforementioned cupcakes. I AM busy. Busy going to the Y and going to bed at a good time.

If the 20 somethings in my life don't order their life that way, that's ok, but I need this as a priority right now to cope.

And yes, you can allow people to have their feelings and deal with them. "So, what do you plan to DO about this problem?" Is my thing. I can be supportive without fixing it. And if it's just whining. I have a limit on that. 

I feel you. My dh's father was diagnosed with cancer in 2015. He died in 2016. My dd had a major mental health thing in 2016-2017. I had a major mental health thing in 2017. In 2018, my mil had a major mental health crisis. MY dd got married in 2019.  Finally got my mil a bit more stable and in 2020, then she died of Covid.  It's been one thing like that after another for years. I think it just wears on you after awhile. And it takes longer and longer to bounce back after each thing.

I've been practicing for years on letting things go! I'm a recovering Type A.  I have one young adult who is out of the nest and one with a couple of years left at home. With my son, the work is letting go of his decisions. It is his life and he will not do everything exactly how I think he should and that is ok. With my oldest daughter, the challenge is to not get drawn into all her emotions. 

re: your last paragraph- Yes, it has felt like it was one thing after another if I was lucky or multiple things at once and I couldn't emotionally recover. This month put me over the edge and then I found myself going back and listing the litany of BAD/Hard things (emotional, financial, health etc) in the last couple of months and then the last 5+ years and I stopped and reflected again. I've got to stop this. I'm an external processor and I've found it helpful in the past to just get things out but it is no longer serving a positive purpose for me (people annoy me with comments on what I should or shouldn't do or feel and I just don't care). I've been refraining from sharing a lot. I can just sit with it and feel what I feel without other's input and judging. 

On 10/17/2023 at 8:41 AM, Pam in CT said:

I don't have much, because although I'm on the other side of perimenopause and teens... nonetheless the last 15 days have very nearly knocked me over the edge too.  You get through one tough phase and the next one rolls right on in, sigh.

Stress is located in the body. 

It may originate at least partly in the mind, or past history, or outside macro or familial factors, or blah blah blah; but similar past trauma and interior current concerns and exogenous current crap happen to LOTS of people; yet empirically when I look around, some of us are much more flattened by stress while others are more resilient.

So I don't have much, but my own very itty bitty steps toward only-incrementally "better" management of my own stress have been focus mostly on my BODY.  To my great surprise, yin/ restorative yoga (which definitely approaches meditation but, for me at least, with more room to accommodate my guilt around my chronic monkeymind) has been the best management tool. Walking, relentless sleep hygiene, biking, etc.

(hugs) I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks.

Yes, I can feel it in my body after a really stressful period. I've got to work on lowering the stress the rest of the time so when crappy things happen I'm not so overwhelmed and on edge. 

------------------------------------------------

There are lots of good thoughts. I appreciate everyone sharing and I'm glad to hear others have found it helpful.

I just pulled out a few quotes that really resonated with me at this moment. 

re: exercise- I've been a regular exerciser for many years. Now, this year I've been battling an injury and it has been hard to do as much as I wanted but in the last few months I've been finally able to get closer to my regular routine. I like my movement to be a combo of doing things in/out of the house, strength training, outdoor activity- hiking, biking, pickleball, and mobility. I'm a trained yoga teacher so I do some yoga but it is not my primary movement. I wax and wane on how much I incorporate it into my routine.

I looked at a few different meditation apps but then remembered I have daily meditation on my health app for my watch so I'll try that out. 

Thank you 🧡

 

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, Soror said:

 

re: your last paragraph- Yes, it has felt like it was one thing after another if I was lucky or multiple things at once and I couldn't emotionally recover. This month put me over the edge and then I found myself going back and listing the litany of BAD/Hard things (emotional, financial, health etc) in the last couple of months and then the last 5+ years and I stopped and reflected again. I've got to stop this. I'm an external processor and I've found it helpful in the past to just get things out but it is no longer serving a positive purpose for me (people annoy me with comments on what I should or shouldn't do or feel and I just don't care). I've been refraining from sharing a lot. I can just sit with it and feel what I feel without other's input and judging. 

 

 

 

If you are an external processor, you may need to find a therapist or friend who can listen without offering advice. I've had friends who I told them, I just need a listening ear. I know there's not much to do to solve the problem, I really don't want solutions. I just need commiseration. 

[Soror]

25 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

If you are an external processor, you may need to find a therapist or friend who can listen without offering advice. I've had friends who I told them, I just need a listening ear. I know there's not much to do to solve the problem, I really don't want solutions. I just need commiseration. 

I do still share but I'm selective with who I tell what. Sometimes I have to sit with things before I share them. I'm sitting on one of those things now. I'm still processing myself. It feels good. Sometimes I spew out a bunch of negative emotions and then I feel icky. I'm giving myself time to slow down.

[Clemsondana]

39 minutes ago, Soror said:

Yes, the bolded, that is exactly what I meant. I have to change my expectations because it is just frustrating me. So, partly I have to embrace the unexpected and partly I have to keep diligent with my boundaries.

I've been practicing for years on letting things go! I'm a recovering Type A.  I have one young adult who is out of the nest and one with a couple of years left at home. With my son, the work is letting go of his decisions. It is his life and he will not do everything exactly how I think he should and that is ok. With my oldest daughter, the challenge is to not get drawn into all her emotions. 

re: your last paragraph- Yes, it has felt like it was one thing after another if I was lucky or multiple things at once and I couldn't emotionally recover. This month put me over the edge and then I found myself going back and listing the litany of BAD/Hard things (emotional, financial, health etc) in the last couple of months and then the last 5+ years and I stopped and reflected again. I've got to stop this. I'm an external processor and I've found it helpful in the past to just get things out but it is no longer serving a positive purpose for me (people annoy me with comments on what I should or shouldn't do or feel and I just don't care). I've been refraining from sharing a lot. I can just sit with it and feel what I feel without other's input and judging. 

(hugs) I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks.

Yes, I can feel it in my body after a really stressful period. I've got to work on lowering the stress the rest of the time so when crappy things happen I'm not so overwhelmed and on edge. 

------------------------------------------------

There are lots of good thoughts. I appreciate everyone sharing and I'm glad to hear others have found it helpful.

I just pulled out a few quotes that really resonated with me at this moment. 

re: exercise- I've been a regular exerciser for many years. Now, this year I've been battling an injury and it has been hard to do as much as I wanted but in the last few months I've been finally able to get closer to my regular routine. I like my movement to be a combo of doing things in/out of the house, strength training, outdoor activity- hiking, biking, pickleball, and mobility. I'm a trained yoga teacher so I do some yoga but it is not my primary movement. I wax and wane on how much I incorporate it into my routine.

I looked at a few different meditation apps but then remembered I have daily meditation on my health app for my watch so I'll try that out. 

Thank you 🧡

 

I kind of got forced into it by having a baseball kid - due to weather rescheduling, I don't know my schedule for months at a time. Now when anything goes wonky, I summon my baseball Zen. It works great for schedule problems. Less great for people are being difficult. I'm still working on that. I'm ok with expecting time crunches but struggle with expecting people to be unreasonable. Olly stress gummies help. 😀

[rebcoola]

On 10/17/2023 at 8:42 AM, livetoread said:

I would put a plug in for tea (not the drinking kind). We had to shift our expectations and make some adjustments after I was menopausal, but trying to make it a priority has done wonders for both of our stress levels. The hormones released from that are so calming and relaxing, and we get the bonus of connecting with each other which lowers stress too. Like I said, though, we had to shift mentally and not compare tea in our late 20s to now (late 50s) and feel like it's more trouble than it's worth. The other night I got a hip cramp at a very inopportune moment for me, and we just cracked up. It is more trouble than it was, but still so worth it. 

Not as far along in life as you but tEa helps my stress level so much.  I keep a good electri tEa kettle available for DH is not. Its not the same but it can definitely help!!