I feel sad- extended family drama

[lovinmyboys]

I grew up very close to my family and extended family (although it was very small). I thought I would always have these people in my life. Over the last few years, various things have happened and I feel like my family is no longer what it was. Yesterday my only female cousin did something really horrible. It will probably change our family forever. 

I have no sisters and no daughters. I’m sad about all the hurt in my family, but also worried I will one day have no one. My female cousin was really my last female relative. I have 4 great sons and husband, but my kids are getting older and will have their own lives. I don’t really know where I am going with this. I just miss having a family I trust. It’s so weird to have it and then lose it. 
 

When I was growing up my uncle would always say we weren’t a normal family with how well everyone got along. He said he had never seen anything like it. Maybe that was true. I just never imagined our family would blow up like this. 

[TexasProud]

I am so sorry.  It is truly hard to lose family like that, especially when you were so close.  You have a right to grieve and be sad for a really long time. That is hard. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I’m sorry.  I thought my kids would grow up surrounded by cousins like I did, except on a much larger scale because I had so many siblings.  That’s not how life turned out due to estrangements and moves and one sibling’s values shifting so drastically that it makes our kids’ friendships difficult and awkward.

It’s definitely okay to mourn how things change and won’t be how we expected. 

[J-rap]

...

 

Edited September 23, 2023 by J-rap

[Faith-manor]

I thought our kids would have cousins as well. But, my brother did some bad bad things which ended with him divorced, and his kids refusing to have a relationship with him, my sister never had children, and on Mark's side, his sister's kids were already 13 and 11 when our first child was born, and his brother's kids are super close in age, but we lived 14 hours apart the whole time everyone was growing up so they only spent a few hours together once per year at Christmas. I grew up with all my cousins living within 45 minutes of my grandparents, and all summer long, they hosted grandchild camp at their house/hobby farm, and we frolicked and enjoyed life together. The 2nd generation not at all. As adults, we all ended up with jobs and spouses that took us long distances from each other, two cousins broke off contact with the family because my uncle had been an abuser, two cousins had no children, one family of them that we would have loved to spend time with moved to Europe, and that was that. I think the last time I laid eyes on a cousin was at my dad's funeral in 2016, and it was 2012 when I last saw one of my cousins' kids.

I am so sorry, OP. Let yourself grieve.

[Elizabeth86]

I feel ya. I came from an exceptionally  close wonderful family and in recent years that has gone bad. It is as painful as a death of a family member. I’m so sorry.

[Bambam]

I did not have a close family growing up, but I've seen close families and thought how lucky those folks were to have such a wonderful thing!

But, I think you may grow a close family. You have four sons - who may someday have four wonderful spouses that can hopefully be a close extended family again.  My MIL has told me I am like a dd to her. 

I am sorry you are losing the previously close family, but there is hope you may develop new family. 

[kathyl]

3 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

I grew up very close to my family and extended family (although it was very small). I thought I would always have these people in my life. Over the last few years, various things have happened and I feel like my family is no longer what it was. Yesterday my only female cousin did something really horrible. It will probably change our family forever. 

I have no sisters and no daughters. I’m sad about all the hurt in my family, but also worried I will one day have no one. My female cousin was really my last female relative. I have 4 great sons and husband, but my kids are getting older and will have their own lives. I don’t really know where I am going with this. I just miss having a family I trust. It’s so weird to have it and then lose it. 
 

When I was growing up my uncle would always say we weren’t a normal family with how well everyone got along. He said he had never seen anything like it. Maybe that was true. I just never imagined our family would blow up like this. 

I understand about having no sisters.  It was me and my 2 brothers and the rest of the relatives were 14 hours away.  I always felt like my brothers had each other, and my parents had each other, and *I* had ... the dog.  lol  I loved that dog SO much.  

I knew I didn't have any control over what sex my kids were, but I always said I wanted the boys to have brothers and the girls to have sisters.  And they do - we had 3 boys and 3 girls.  For some reason that eases my mind a little, especially as I get older.  

{{{Hugs}}}

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, J-rap said:

I'm sorry.  I feel like the world has gotten more complicated, which surely doesn't help.  

One of my best friends has no family in the world.  It's a really unusual and tragic situation.  Both of her parents were orphans, and many years ago, her parents and siblings were all killed.  But she has cultivated her own group of close friends who have become family.  They are there for each through thick and thin, for the long haul.  She knows that I am here for her also, for always, and my girls are too.

"Family" doesn't have to be family.  

Also, your great 4 sons might end up with 4 wonderful women, who will become like your daughters.   Life can hold wonderful surprises! 

 

Yes, this.

[Scarlett]

I had a female cousin that did something very bad.  The Fallout was very bad indeed.  I had known her since she was born….and our parents were very close and that relation was destroyed too.  
 

Sometimes life is just hard.  I will say you never know what good is around the  owner.  I grew up with a brother. In my 30s I got my birth sister back in my life and a step sister.  I am very close to both of them. 
 

But beyond that I have a group of women who are as close as sisters…..one of them especially my friend since childhood. 

[Shoeless]

I'm sorry 😔 

I never expected to be on the outs with my family, but here I am. 

It sucks. 

[easypeasy]

Oof. It hurts. Similar situation here - super close family that ceased to be, leaving me with so many mixed feelings, it's hard to express. I'm now closer to the other side of my family that I barely knew growing up!

Life is funny, in a not-so-funny way, sometimes.

I just hope my kids stay close and want to spend time together voluntarily as adults so we can start our own traditions with their kids.

[mommyoffive]

I am so sorry.  I am sending some hugs.  I have no sisters either and my family isn't what I thought it would be at this point. Cracks that were there become more apart the older I was.  I do have 2 extended women in my family, but we aren't physically that close so it is hard.  It has caused a lot of tears in my life.  At this point I just have to accept who people are instead of hoping they were other people.   But not having that family in my life is just a hole.  I look at my girls and I wish I had what they do now.  I hope that they continue to be in each other's lives as they get older.

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, mommyoffive said:

 I look at my girls and I wish I had what they do now.  I hope that they continue to be in each other's lives as they get older.

This is my hope for our kids too.  I have no family of origin left (I am an only child), so my kids are really the only family I have. We have pretty much no contact with DH's family other than his mom, who was a horrible mom and grandmother.  She's widowed and alone so we do the bare minimum that has to be done out of obligation.  

But our kids say that we are starting fresh with our family.  They are all young adults now and very close and we still all get together as a family at least twice a year.  Their relationships with each other seem very special - especially my youngest three.  I really hope that continues.  

[Kassia]

22 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

 

It’s definitely okay to mourn how things change and won’t be how we expected. 

Yes to this.  I'm sorry for all of you going through this.  We did when the kids were little because we felt bad they were missing out on a loving extended family.  

[mommyoffive]

For me it helps to hear that other people are in similar situations.  Not that I wish pain on anyone, but when I was younger and had a different family it seemed like everyone's families were perfect except for mine.  Now I know that isn't true and it lessens the blow, as this is just something that others face and I am not alone in it.  

[Hannah]

We grew up living two doors down from one set of cousins and 20 min from the other. We were in each other's lives all the time.

We all get on, but my siblings live all over the world. Dh is an only child.  My kids have grown up knowing only our nuclear family and the very occasional family holiday with one set of cousins.

It is sad that they don't have those connections.

[wintermom]

Sorry things have changed within your extended family. Time does heal, though, and we get used to a "new normal" and realize that it doesn't have to be "the end of the world." Life goes on, with pain, and loss, but there is hope as well.