What do you think about this?

[Scarlett]

So my Dh and I met up with my new found brother and we all drove to our sister’s house.  Our brother had already been there once without me and he had asked to go see the house where our father lived (he only died 2 years ago) and my sister took him by incognito because she had not told our step mother ( who still lives there) about him yet.  So this trip our brother asked again to go meet our step mother and see the house.  Our sister says ‘no, I haven’t had a chance to tell our step mother about you. ‘. Our brother says, ‘let’s go tell her now.’ All of us were saying, yes let’s do that.  Our sister basically just shut us ALL down and said NO! 
 

That is controlling  right?  Why does she think SHE needs to tell step mother first?

 

Sigh, over all it was a great weekend…..but our brother’s feelings were hurt…..like he is a dirty secret that has to be explained just right. 

[regentrude]

I am with your sister. That isn't news you spring on someone by showing up uninvited and unannounced on their doorstep asking for a house tour.

[KSera]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

I am with your sister. That isn't news you spring on someone by showing up uninvited and unannounced on their doorstep asking for a house tour.

💯 % this 👆

[catz]

Is the step mother your sister's mother?  Or someone she has an ongoing relationship with since she feels it is her responsiblity to break this news to her?

I can see why it might feel fraught to drop this as a surprise on an elderly woman who may still be grieving depending on personality, etc.  If sister is in regular contact and is procratinating on it, there may be reasons she think this might be difficult for the step mother.  These aren't easy leaps to take for some people.  Are you sure the step mother is going to be gracious and kind and welcoming if you just stop in and drop this in her lap?  I think some grace all around might go a long way.  

Have you had a one on one conversation with your sister about it?  I wouldn't leap to anything malicious or controlling.   Heck, I pretty regularly ignore my doorbell if I don't know someone is coming.  I'm not sure I'd react super warmly if a group just stopped in to spill some long lost family secret without a heads up.  Honestly, doesn't seem appropriate to me.

 

Edited May 30, 2023 by catz

[TexasProud]

Yeah, I am so with your sister.

[Drama Llama]

I can't even imagine someone thinks springing that on someone is OK.  

[Terabith]

Finding out that someone I loved abandoned another child/ children would be absolutely horrifying.  Honestly, I am not sure they should tell her at all, but the timing is not great, while she's grieving, and just springing it on her???  That's nuts and cruel beyond belief.  

She's not being controlling!  

[Ann.without.an.e]

It would be ok for all of y’all to go and talk to her without your new brother and then invite her to meet him later but to show up with him is a lot. New information plus a stranger, that can be overwhelming to someone. 
 

I also had a similar thought to @Terabith though … how old is she? How do you think she’ll take it? Is it even worth it?

Edited May 30, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Scarlett]

Springing it on her? I mean, what if my sister did not exist? 
 

Our step mother was married to our father for about 25 years.  Our brother was conceived 61 years ago.  

[Scarlett]

33 minutes ago, catz said:

Is the step mother your sister's mother?  Or someone she has an ongoing relationship with since she feels it is her responsiblity to break this news to her?

I can see why it might feel frought to drop this as a surprise on an elderly woman who may still be grieving depending on personality, etc.  If sister is in regular contact and is procratinating on it, there may be reasons she think this might be difficult for the step mother.  These aren't easy leaps to take for some people.  Are you sure the step mother is going to be gracious and kind and welcoming if you just stop in and drop this in her lap?  I think some grace all around might go a long way.  

Have you had a one on one conversation with your sister about it?  I wouldn't leap to anything malicious or controlling.   Heck, I pretty regularly ignore my doorbell if I don't know someone is coming.  I'm not sure I'd react super warmly if a group just stopped in to spill some long lost family secret without a heads up.  Honestly, doesn't seem appropriate to me.

 

I did talk to my sister about it…..our step mothers daughter told my sister to not even tell our step mother.  Which I think is wacked.  Why should the existence of a person—our brother—- be kept a secret.  

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

It would be ok for all of y’all to go and talk to her without your new brother and then invite her to meet him later but to show up with him is a lot. New information plus a stranger, that can be overwhelming to someone. 
 

I also has a similar thought to @Terabith though … how old is she? How do you think she’ll take it? Is it even worth it?

Worth it?  

[catz]

That doesn't mean it will be easy to hear or she might not need a moment to two to process that news before needing to play nice polite hostess.  

If someone showed up on your door with a group of people and said they were your husband's long lost and unknown child before you knew him.  And oh by the way, give me a tour of your home, you'd just roll with that?  

LOL - I have stress hives thinking of giving a stranger a look at my home without a chance to create the illusion of somewhat clean without the other piece.  

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, catz said:

That doesn't mean it will be easy to hear or she might not need a moment to two to process that news before needing to play nice polite hostess.  

If someone showed up on your door with a group of people and said they were your husband's long lost and unknown child before you knew him.  And oh by the way, give me a tour of your home, you'd just roll with that?  

LOL - I have stress hives thinking of giving a stranger a look at my home without a chance to create the illusion of somewhat clean without the other piece.  

I don’t think he was asking for a tour.  I think he wants to feel valued.  

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

  I think he wants to feel valued.  

By some stranger who happened to marry the man whose sperm had resulted in his existence?

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, regentrude said:

By some stranger who happened to marry the man whose sperm had resulted in his existence?

By our sister who apparently is ok keeping him a secret for the last 3 months.  

[Scarlett]

I mean obviously I asked a question and you guys have your response.  Thank you.  I disagree, but I respect that you have your thoughts on it.  
 

Personally I think my sister is pussy footing around our step mother so that she gets left half the house when our stepmother dies.  

[Heartstrings]

I think showing up at the spur of the moment at someone’s door with a group of people is rude, separate from the issue of having a surprise to spring on someone.    
 

Is there a reason only the sister can tell the step mother?  Couldn’t any of the siblings, including the new found brother, call her up and have a chat with the new found information?   Then arrange a time to meet her and see the house?  
 

The sister insisting on controlling when the stepmother be informed and insisting on it being herself to be the only one allowed to do it IS unnecessarily controlling.   That’s true separate from the fact that showing up randomly at a home with strangers in tow is an inconsiderate move.
 

 
 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

27 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Worth it?  

Yes, we aren’t there, we don’t know who all this involves or their personalities. You would be a better judge of this. Maybe put out feelers to see how she would feel about a situation like this? If you think she’d be amiable about it then tell her and then introduce them. I just don’t think a surprise is a good idea. Tell her first. It could put him in an awkward spot if she doesn’t respond to his presence amiably.
 

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Personally I think my sister is pussy footing around our step mother so that she gets left half the house when our stepmother dies.  

Is he wanting to see the house because he wants to be in on an inheritance? But his presence would cut down your sister’s portion? 

[Scarlett]

Just now, Heartstrings said:

I think showing up at the spur of the moment at someone’s door with a group of people is rude, separate from the issue of having a surprise to spring on someone.    
 

Is there a reason only the sister can tell the step mother?  Couldn’t any of the siblings, including the new found brother, call her up and have a chat with the new found information?   Then arrange a time to meet her and see the house?  
 

The sister insisting on controlling when the stepmother be informed and insisting on it being herself to be the only one allowed to do it IS unnecessarily controlling.   That’s true separate from the fact that showing up randomly at a home with strangers in tow is an inconsiderate move.
 

 
 

 

Thank you.  This I can agree with.  

[catz]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Personally I think my sister is pussy footing around our step mother so that she gets left half the house when our stepmother dies.  

Why on earth would that affect any possible inheritance?  I wouldn't assume that is the motivation.  Why don't you just directly have a conversation with your sister about it and ask her what her concerns are?

It's not clear to me what the relationships are.  If this sister does have a closer relationship with this step mother, than I can see might want to be involved breaking this news to her if she thinks it might be difficult for her to process.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Yes, we aren’t there, we don’t know who all this involves or their personalities. You would be a better judge of this. Maybe put out feelers to see how she would feel about a situation like this? If you think she’d be amiable about it then tell her and then introduce them. I just don’t think a surprise is a good idea. Tell her first. It could put him in an awkward spot if she doesn’t respond to his presence amiably.
 

Is he wanting to see the house because he wants to be in on an inheritance? But his presence would cut down your sister’s portion? 

No.  Our brother is loaded.  He is not interested in any inheritance.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, catz said:

Why on earth would that affect any possible inheritance?  I wouldn't assume that is the motivation.  Why don't you just directly have a conversation with your sister about it and ask her what her concerns are?

It's not clear to me what the relationships are.  If this sister does have a closer relationship with this step mother, than I can see might want to be involved breaking this news to her if she thinks it might be difficult for her to process.  

I think my sister thinks that.  But I don’t think it will affect our step mothers decision either way.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No.  Our brother is loaded.  He is not interested in any inheritance.  

Is the sister your step mom’s daughter? Or is she step mom to both of you? 

I tend to agree with @Heartstrings

Your sister sounds controlling over the situation but that is a separate issue to just popping this on someone. Maybe you all need to talk to her without your sisters permission (if the rest of you agree) but without the new brother present. 
 

If the sister you speak of is her daughter (not a step daughter)then that may be a little different since they were together after y’all were much grown (she didn’t raise you as her children). That doesn’t mean you aren’t close, it just means you should let her bio daughter take the lead. 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[SKL]

I think there are multiple questions here, but I'll focus on 2 of them:

1) Should your sister be the only one allowed to tell step-mom about the brother?  No, that should be equally the right of all the siblings whom step-mom knows as step-kids.

2) "Let's tell her now!"  No!  That's too heavy of a thing to spring on someone suddenly, especially with a person who is a stranger to step-mom at this point.

It doesn't mean the brother isn't valued by the sister(s).  Being thoughtful about the introduction proves that the relationship is important IMO.  A spur-of-the-moment introduction would be fine for a random person like "hey ma, have you met my neighbor Ruth?"

[Scarlett]

42 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Is the sister your step mom’s daughter? Or is she step mom to both of you? 

I tend to agree with @Heartstrings

Your sister sounds controlling over the situation but that is a separate issue to just popping this on someone. Maybe you all need to talk to her without your sisters permission (if the rest of you agree) but without the new brother present. 
 

If the sister you speak of is her daughter (not a step daughter)then that may be a little different since they were together after y’all were much grown (she didn’t raise you as her children). That doesn’t mean you aren’t close, it just means you should let her bio daughter take the lead. 

No our step mother is not the bio mom of any of us 3.  She was married to our dad for 25 years or so. We are 54, 58, and 60.

[Terabith]

If I found out that my husband had another child, older than the children we share together, whom he had abandoned, that would completely change how I thought of the man I thought I knew.  It would be absolutely devastating.  I would wonder what else I didn’t know. I would be furious at him abandoning his child, and I would be devastated that he never told me.  It would force me to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about him.  To do that while grieving his loss, and while he wasn’t there to answer my questions, would be horrible.  
 

I think you’re seriously under estimating how traumatic this information will be to stepmother, and while I understand your brother’s desire to be recognized, stepmother is a stranger.  I can’t fathom someone just turning up with news like that.  I think sister is, rather than being controlling, is worried about how it will affect stepmom.  

[KSera]

50 minutes ago, Terabith said:

while I understand your brother’s desire to be recognized, stepmother is a stranger.

Is your brother the one wanting to meet your stepmother? It seems like she really isn’t any relation to him, so it doesn’t seem particularly relevant that they even have a meeting unless it’s really important to him for some reason. It would be different if he had ever had a relationship with his dad. 
 

I don’t recall anything about your relationship with your stepmom. Are you two close?

[KidsHappen]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Springing it on her? I mean, what if my sister did not exist? 
 

Our step mother was married to our father for about 25 years.  Our brother was conceived 61 years ago.  

Did your father know about this child? If so that meant he kept it secret from his wife for 25 years. That might not be something she wants to hear with said child surprising her on her doorstep. If the father did not then this child is basically a stranger that has no biological relationship to her and she might not have any interest in having a relationship with him. In any case, she should be given the information privately so that she can have her feelings and then decide what she wants to do. 

[Lecka]

To me I think I would be appropriate for the man to write a letter to the step-mother and say the situation, and say he would love to hear some about his biological father, he would love to see pictures.  
 

Or you can write this letter on his behalf and add the information that you got in touch through generic testing, and he’s just interested in hearing some about his father or seeing pictures.  
 

To me this would also leave open — maybe she could share pictures or write a letter back, if she just didn’t want to meet him.  
 

I have a long story in which a relative’s son turned out to have gotten someone pregnant in high school, and they never told anyone in the relative’s family until the child was over 18.  
 

The relative has never met her grandson, but she has got some baby pictures of him and his mother sends her a letter at Christmas.  It means so much to her to know he’s doing well.  She sends him a Christmas letter every year.

 

So I think there’s a lot of middle ground between meeting in person, and having no contact.  
 

I think the controlling person here is being controlling, but also it sounds like they were expected to play a role they don’t want to play.  Or they think they are supposed to take on this role they don’t want to play.  Well — there’s no reason to expect that.  
 

There’s public information here.  
 

I think too — it’s quite a difficult situation for the controlling person, because if the widow doesn’t want contact, then she’s stuck being the bearer of bad news.  
 

My thought is that she thinks it’s going to be difficult in some way and doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle of it . 
 

Like — there’s some major presupposition of someone being a difficult person if she might cut someone’s inheritance over this??????  Who wants to be in the middle of that.  But if that’s your relative it’s awkward if you do want to maintain a relationship with that person who would potentially act that way.  

[Melissa in Australia]

5 hours ago, Terabith said:

If I found out that my husband had another child, older than the children we share together, whom he had abandoned, that would completely change how I thought of the man I thought I knew.  It would be absolutely devastating.  I would wonder what else I didn’t know. I would be furious at him abandoning his child, and I would be devastated that he never told me.  It would force me to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about him.  To do that while grieving his loss, and while he wasn’t there to answer my questions, would be horrible.  
 

I think you’re seriously under estimating how traumatic this information will be to stepmother, and while I understand your brother’s desire to be recognized, stepmother is a stranger.  I can’t fathom someone just turning up with news like that.  I think sister is, rather than being controlling, is worried about how it will affect stepmom.  

I agree completely with this

[Eos]

I'm close to a similar situation and have thoughts.  I agree with previous posters who suggest another time and place, but at the risk of being the devil's advocate I offer the following.  This kind of situation is borne of secrecy and lies.  Your brother might be the one to break this family dynamic, or at the very least bring it to light and disrupt it.  Controlling other peoples' reactions is why these secrets get created in the first place. Trying to spare someone pain (in this case, your stepmother's memory of her husband) treats that person as not fully adult by not allowing them their normal feelings.   If brother knows his truth and wants to reach out, he is an adult and can reach out - even if it's awkward and dumb like showing up on her doorstep, it's his story to tell. Letting others have their own authentic reactions is the most respectful path. Everyone is an adult in this situation and sometimes adults have weird interactions.  Trying to keep these interactions from happening has scarred a lot of "unknown" offspring and kept alive dysfunctional family systems.

 

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, Terabith said:

If I found out that my husband had another child, older than the children we share together, whom he had abandoned, that would completely change how I thought of the man I thought I knew.  It would be absolutely devastating.  I would wonder what else I didn’t know. I would be furious at him abandoning his child, and I would be devastated that he never told me.  It would force me to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about him.  To do that while grieving his loss, and while he wasn’t there to answer my questions, would be horrible.  
 

I think you’re seriously under estimating how traumatic this information will be to stepmother, and while I understand your brother’s desire to be recognized, stepmother is a stranger.  I can’t fathom someone just turning up with news like that.  I think sister is, rather than being controlling, is worried about how it will affect stepmom.  

I think there is no comparison between your marriage and theirs for sure.  She already knows he is capable of having a child he abandoned and denied….that would be me.  So I don’t think she will be shocked there is another one.

I appreciate all the comments that it would not be nice to just show up.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Eos said:

I'm close to a similar situation and have thoughts.  I agree with previous posters who suggest another time and place, but at the risk of being the devil's advocate I offer the following.  This kind of situation is borne of secrecy and lies.  Your brother might be the one to break this family dynamic, or at the very least bring it to light and disrupt it.  Controlling other peoples' reactions is why these secrets get created in the first place. Trying to spare someone pain (in this case, your stepmother's memory of her husband) treats that person as not fully adult by not allowing them their normal feelings.   If brother knows his truth and wants to reach out, he is an adult and can reach out - even if it's awkward and dumb like showing up on her doorstep, it's his story to tell. Letting others have their own authentic reactions is the most respectful path. Everyone is an adult in this situation and sometimes adults have weird interactions.  Trying to keep these interactions from happening has scarred a lot of "unknown" offspring and kept alive dysfunctional family systems.

 

Thank you.  This is very much the way I feel. 
 

If I found out one of my step sons was controlling what information I was allowed to have about my husband I would be furious.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Eos said:

I'm close to a similar situation and have thoughts.  I agree with previous posters who suggest another time and place, but at the risk of being the devil's advocate I offer the following.  This kind of situation is borne of secrecy and lies.  Your brother might be the one to break this family dynamic, or at the very least bring it to light and disrupt it.  Controlling other peoples' reactions is why these secrets get created in the first place. Trying to spare someone pain (in this case, your stepmother's memory of her husband) treats that person as not fully adult by not allowing them their normal feelings.   If brother knows his truth and wants to reach out, he is an adult and can reach out - even if it's awkward and dumb like showing up on her doorstep, it's his story to tell. Letting others have their own authentic reactions is the most respectful path. Everyone is an adult in this situation and sometimes adults have weird interactions.  Trying to keep these interactions from happening has scarred a lot of "unknown" offspring and kept alive dysfunctional family systems.

 

To my sister’s credit she is the one who stood up to our father and contacted me and had a relationship with me that he did not want or want her to have.  So I am not sure what is going on with her and our step mother.  She has told me our SM is drinking a lot and that she (my sister) initiates all contact now. She also talked a lot about the property and how our step mother told her she had made a will that left it to my sister and to one of our step sisters.  And repeated that SM said, ‘’I can leave the property to anyone I want’.  And our sister said to us that if she was cut out of the will she would fight it.   I asked, ‘why?’  She said because ‘I grew up there.’  Our brother said, ‘well growing up as a child in a home doesn’t give you claim to it.’

So there is something going on in my sisters mind about that property and I think it is clouding her thinking.  
 

In an unrelated topic our brother told the entire group of us a story he had been told by his adopted grandmother that I had reason to believe was not true.  When I texted him on the drive home yesterday and told him that he immediately went straight to his maternal half sister who verified it was not true at all. So I really appreciate that about him—-he actually said that these lifelong lies and secrets stop with us.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I think your family of origin has been so damaged and fractured by lies and secrets that it can be hard to see when there might be a time when not telling everything is actually a kindness.

I don’t know enough of the circumstances to have a good opinion(other than the showing up on the doorstep is a bad idea), but presumably over the 25 years they were married your stepmother realized the kind of person your dad was.  however, if her biological daughter is adamant that she not be told, I would give that a lot of weight.  While she might not be surprised by it, it sounds like there are other factors(like drinking heavily) to consider.  What is the benefit of her knowing at this point? Is it just so everyone feels like there’s one less secret?  What is the benefit to her of knowing?

Frankly, we don’t tell my 90 year old grandmother everything.  She doesn’t know that two of my sisters are estranged and she will never see them again, or that my cousin’s last boyfriend is in prison now. Or that we all know she was scandalously pregnant with my mom when she got married.  There is just no benefit for her to know these things, and we’d rather her last little remaining time is pleasant and happy.

[Lecka]

Is it possible the step-mom is day-drinking and talking rudely in general?  Could your sister not want to come out and say that, but it’s what she’s hinting at?  Maybe she just wanted to avoid a scene.

Separately, Scarlett do you personally have a relationship with the step-mom such that you would drop by?  If yes, I think it’s your call.  If no, I think you can be a go-between in some way by calling or sending a letter, if you want.

I think the new brother sounds like — he doesn’t want to hurt feelings among you guys.  
 

But I think either you be a go-between, or encourage him to contact the step-mom.  
 

I would totally leave the sister out of it and honestly assume, if she’s not usually like this, it’s a step-mom issue (that she is a difficult person).  
 

As far as you being a go-between, I would do it if it seems like it would be helpful.

 

I totally agree about knowing someone was “wild in their youth.”  I think that’s something people just already know.  I don’t think it’s the same situation at all.  I would not worry about that, personally, as far as feeling like she is too fragile to be contacted in general (though I think showing up in person isn’t ideal).

 

But it sounds like it’s being put off by the step-sister — okay, bypass her, that’s okay.

 

My thought is honestly — maybe she’s tried to bring it up but once she called and step-mom was drunk.  Then she called again and step-mom was ranting.  And then it’s like — oh, I guess I won’t be bringing it up.  But that is really awkward to tell someone if you don’t want everyone to know that’s how someone is acting.

 

[Lecka]

Honestly I think it would be kind to just bypass this sister, and if you think it would be kind yo your brother, offer to write a letter or make a phone call on his behalf.  
 

Her family dynamics don’t sound very good but it’s what she’s grown up with?  Is she a second-class child despite living in this house (with the step-mom?) as a child?  It sounds like a mess honestly.  
 

You might be better off to make the introduction, by having less of a connection to her.  
 

I think you could tell your sister “here’s what I’m doing” but I would not let her say no, it’s not her business if you write a letter to someone you also know.  But it might be a relief to her.  
 

I hope your brother will get a positive response from the step-mom!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited May 30, 2023 by Lecka

[Lecka]

Also separately I think it’s very possible the step-mom could be interested in talking about her dead husband with someone who is really interested.  That’s a real thing.  I also think she could like to see pictures and compare how he has looked through his life, with the husband and other relatives.

These are real human things that a lot of people like to do and find a lot of meaning in doing!

And if someone doesn’t want to, I think that’s okay, too.  But I think a lot of people would appreciate having the opportunity.  
 

It’s so sad your brother missed meeting his dad by two years.  

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Honestly I think it would be kind to just bypass this sister, and if you think it would be kind yo your brother, offer to write a letter or make a phone call on his behalf.  
 

Her family dynamics don’t sound very good but it’s what she’s grown up with?  Is she a second-class child despite living in this house (with the step-mom?) as a child?  It sounds like a mess honestly.  
 

You might be better off to make the introduction, by having less of a connection to her.  
 

I think you could tell your sister “here’s what I’m doing” but I would not let her say no, it’s not her business if you write a letter to someone you also know.  But it might be a relief to her.  
 

I hope your brother will get a positive response from the step-mom!!!!!!!!!!!!

All the kids—-our dad’s 3 and our step mom’s 2 were long adults when they married each other. My sister has a good relationship with our step sister.  I have no idea why my sister felt the need to run it by our step sister and I have no idea why our step sister thinks our step mother should not be told.  She said something about ‘she has a lot on her’…..not sure what that means.

Step mother has another daughter that our dad did not allow to come around and as soon as he died she is there most days with her mom and they start drinking early.  

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Also separately I think it’s very possible the step-mom could be interested in talking about her dead husband with someone who is really interested.  That’s a real thing.  I also think she could like to see pictures and compare how he has looked through his life, with the husband and other relatives.

These are real human things that a lot of people like to do and find a lot of meaning in doing!

And if someone doesn’t want to, I think that’s okay, too.  But I think a lot of people would appreciate having the opportunity.  
 

It’s so sad your brother missed meeting his dad by two years.  

Yes, this is what I think and what my sister thinks.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I think your family of origin has been so damaged and fractured by lies and secrets that it can be hard to see when there might be a time when not telling everything is actually a kindness.

I don’t know enough of the circumstances to have a good opinion(other than the showing up on the doorstep is a bad idea), but presumably over the 25 years they were married your stepmother realized the kind of person your dad was.  however, if her biological daughter is adamant that she not be told, I would give that a lot of weight.  While she might not be surprised by it, it sounds like there are other factors(like drinking heavily) to consider.  What is the benefit of her knowing at this point? Is it just so everyone feels like there’s one less secret?  What is the benefit to her of knowing?

Frankly, we don’t tell my 90 year old grandmother everything.  She doesn’t know that two of my sisters are estranged and she will never see them again, or that my cousin’s last boyfriend is in prison now. Or that we all know she was scandalously pregnant with my mom when she got married.  There is just no benefit for her to know these things, and we’d rather her last little remaining time is pleasant and happy.

We don’t want him to be a secret.  He is a real human being. 
 

One example……SM was at my sisters for Mother’s Day.  Sister held off framing a picture of our new brother because she had not told her about him. 

[Soror]

I'm with sister. I think it would have been exceptionally rude to just drop by without a warning. Most people don't like company to drop by unannounced and certainly not with the news---- your husband was a jerk who abandoned his kid.

If I'm understanding correctly stepmom isn't biologically related to him and was with his biological father long after he was conceived. 

She was not a part of the lies or hiding. She doesn't deserve to have that sprung on her. I think whomever is closest to her should tell her privately and give her time to process it and then it is up to her what relationship she has with him.

[SKL]

I think it's a delicate balance.

There are things I know about my mom that I don't even tell her I know about her.  Who would it really benefit?

It's like the question of whether it's actually helpful to tell your fling's wife about the one-nighter you had with him.  I mean rah rah for truth, but sometimes, less is more.

Your step mom has no accountability for your brother's situation.  None of it is her fault.  It's also not her fault she didn't know about him during your dad's life.  Why is it her responsibility now to integrate him into the family, when your dad can no longer be held accountable?  Frankly, she and he are not family.  I'm sorry if that sounds hurtful.  It doesn't make your brother less of a person, it just means they are not family, just as I am not a relative of my kids' birth parents & have zero right to expect anything of them.

It is true, as someone mentioned above, that your step mom may actually not mind sharing once she gets used to the idea.  But I think it is up to her, and I don't think it's fair to blame her if she doesn't want to go there.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

12 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

We don’t want him to be a secret.  He is a real human being. 
 

One example……SM was at my sisters for Mother’s Day.  Sister held off framing a picture of our new brother because she had not told her about him. 

I missed the fact that SM is very present in your sisters life. I was thinking more that she occasionally visited stepmom and talked on the phone.

In that case, I would tell her. Your sister shouldn’t be feeling like she can’t frame pictures of brother or mention things you all are doing together in casual conversation. Or have family get togethers where it would be awkward to explain who brother is.

I still wouldn’t just show up on the doorstep though.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Lecka]

I had been confused about some of the details.

I think bypass the person who is wanting to wait, and just say — hey, here’s what we’re doing to move forward.  And then she can share how she wants.  

[SKL]

I don't know if I ever brought this up before in these discussions.  But my kids had relatively closed adoptions.  Even if my kids want to connect, they don't have the right to force their birth parents to acknowledge or interact with them in any way.  The birth parents have their own reasons to want or not want contact, from their personal safety (physical, legal, emotional), to respect in their community / extended family, to who knows what else.  This is a very real issue we deal with.  Is it hurtful in some ways?  Yes.  Was it my kids' choice?  No.  Can we / should we change it?  Not on a one-sided basis.  It's not all about my kids.  It's just another of life's complexities that we deal with as a non-traditional family.

[Innisfree]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

All the kids—-our dad’s 3 and our step mom’s 2 were long adults when they married each other. My sister has a good relationship with our step sister.  I have no idea why my sister felt the need to run it by our step sister and I have no idea why our step sister thinks our step mother should not be told.  She said something about ‘she has a lot on her’…..not sure what that means.

Step mother has another daughter that our dad did not allow to come around and as soon as he died she is there most days with her mom and they start drinking early.  

If I’m understanding, then, your sister, who advocates waiting to tell your stepmother, is close to one of your stepmother’s biological daughters. The biological daughter has said her mom shouldn’t be told, because her mom (your stepmother) “has a lot on her” that you don’t know about. 

Independently of that, you know your stepmother is drinking a lot, including early in the day.

Either of those situations alone would explain not wanting to stop by unannounced, especially bringing a stranger who is her late husband’s child, about whose existence she knows nothing.

I’d give a lot of respect to the daughter’s understanding of her own mother’s situation and needs. Could you talk with her and find out why she doesn’t want her mom informed?

56 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

We don’t want him to be a secret.  He is a real human being. 
 

One example……SM was at my sisters for Mother’s Day.  Sister held off framing a picture of our new brother because she had not told her about him. 

This is a valid point. I agree that family members shouldn’t have to keep maintaining their brother’s existence as a secret when he’s generally a visible part of their lives.

Reconciling those two needs seems to require talking with your stepmother’s biological daughter, explaining why it’s not realistic to keep your brother a secret over the long term, and finding out, if she feels she can tell you, what her concerns are. Her mom is entitled to privacy about whatever is going on in her own life if she wants it.

Whenever the disclosure happens, I’d think it would be courteous and appropriate to allow your stepmother to learn about your brother in private, giving her time to absorb the news before she has to put on a public face for anyone.

Even if she knows your father was capable of abandoning a child, news that it happened more than once would be disturbing, I’d expect. His behavior wasn’t her fault, but now she needs to face it while grieving his death, and facing whatever other trouble her daughter alluded to, and evidently struggling with alcoholism. I can understand both that her daughter feels protective and that your brother needs to be acknowledged. The trick is balancing everyone’s needs.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Innisfree

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

One thing I guess I’m unclear about: was your brother abandoned by your father or was he put up for adoption?  Did your father even know he existed?

 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[KSera]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

To my sister’s credit she is the one who stood up to our father and contacted me and had a relationship with me that he did not want or want her to have.  So I am not sure what is going on with her and our step mother.  She has told me our SM is drinking a lot and that she (my sister) initiates all contact now. She also talked a lot about the property and how our step mother told her she had made a will that left it to my sister and to one of our step sisters.  And repeated that SM said, ‘’I can leave the property to anyone I want’.  And our sister said to us that if she was cut out of the will she would fight it.   I asked, ‘why?’  She said because ‘I grew up there.’  Our brother said, ‘well growing up as a child in a home doesn’t give you claim to it.’

I’m getting sisters confused. Is the sister who said you shouldn’t share the news yet the one who grew up in that house? Did she grow up with your stepmom or your dad or someone else? And then you met her later as an adult?

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, KSera said:

I’m getting sisters confused. Is the sister who said you shouldn’t share the news yet the one who grew up in that house? Did she grow up with your stepmom or your dad or someone else? And then you met her later as an adult?

My sister was raised by our dad in that house but not with this step mother. Our step mother has 2 daughters of her own —neither of them were raised in the house either. We were all grown and on our own by the time our dad married stepmother.