destination weddings - vent

[prairiewindmomma]

I am not sure why you are getting flamed either, SKL. The guideline you roughly follow used to be the etiquette advice, and was kind of a regional “rule”. (A parallel would be that east coast baby showers tend to be way fancier than Midwest ones.) SKL’s guideline hit a lot of the etiquette advice about twenty years ago. It was talked about here: https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-gift-etiquette-cover-plate-rule

 

[SKL]

And I think part of my philosophy is because most of my loved ones are of very modest means, especially when they're getting married (usually early in their career if they have a career).  They need the money (or other truly useful gift), quite frankly.  Of course they aren't putting that on the invite, but let's be real.

I highly doubt any of my loved ones have been offended by receiving a gift covering more than the plate.  But maybe rich people react differently.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

And I think part of my philosophy is because most of my loved ones are of very modest means, especially when they're getting married (usually early in their career if they have a career).  They need the money (or other truly useful gift), quite frankly.  Of course they aren't putting that on the invite, but let's be real.

I highly doubt any of my loved ones have been offended by receiving a gift covering more than the plate.  But maybe rich people react differently.

I don’t understand the bolded at all.  
 

[Scarlett]

I haven’t attended many expensive weddings.  Lots of magical ones but only one where I figured parents of bride spent $100k. It was dh’s cousin’s son wedding….Dh and I bought a bunch of the baking items off their registry and he sent a cute card with it like, ‘call us when you have the cookies ready’.  Their thank you note referenced the cookies which I thought was adorable. 
 

 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

And I think part of my philosophy is because most of my loved ones are of very modest means, especially when they're getting married (usually early in their career if they have a career).  They need the money (or other truly useful gift), quite frankly.  Of course they aren't putting that on the invite, but let's be real.

I highly doubt any of my loved ones have been offended by receiving a gift covering more than the plate.  But maybe rich people react differently.

Sure this makes sense…..,but it is actually different from ‘cover your plate thinking’

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I am not sure why you are getting flamed either, SKL. The guideline you roughly follow used to be the etiquette advice, and was kind of a regional “rule”. (A parallel would be that east coast baby showers tend to be way fancier than Midwest ones.) SKL’s guideline hit a lot of the etiquette advice about twenty years ago. It was talked about here: https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-gift-etiquette-cover-plate-rule

 

Consider the source there. 

[SKL]

8 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I am not sure why you are getting flamed either, SKL. The guideline you roughly follow used to be the etiquette advice, and was kind of a regional “rule”. (A parallel would be that east coast baby showers tend to be way fancier than Midwest ones.) SKL’s guideline hit a lot of the etiquette advice about twenty years ago. It was talked about here: https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-gift-etiquette-cover-plate-rule

Interesting.  I can see how this etiquette may apply less with the modern trend toward what I'd consider over-the-top weddings.  If you're trying to make your wedding feel like a Disney World vacation, that's on you.  That's really not happening in my regional circle.

[Scarlett]

I agree that the concept has crept in to some American circles….but it is wrong headed. 
https://www.cnbc.com/2018/05/22/when-buying-a-wedding-gift-you-dont-have-to-cover-your-plate.html#:~:text=However%2C “covering your plate”,a misconception in American culture.”

[Frances]

59 minutes ago, SKL said:

But people absolutely do go into debt for weddings.  I don't think it's unusual at all.

I guess I should have phrased it as what I feel comfortable doing, because I can.  I have lots of family members who could no way afford to give a gift as expensive as their plate, and they are just as welcome as anyone else.  However, if I have means, I would try to give the added blessing of helping to defray the cost of the wedding.

I agree with Sneezyone in that if you're going to resent any of it, don't attend.  Nobody needs negativity at their wedding.

So your only talking about covering the per person cost of catering? That makes more sense in terms of being able to maybe predict it, compared to the per person cost of a wedding you haven’t even attended yet. I still find the whole concept very strange  and transactional, but maybe a bit less puzzling.

[SKL]

Well and like everything else regarding etiquette, you would never actually say out loud how you decided on the gift.  That doesn't mean you don't do a little calculation in your mind.

I read the OP as asking whether she can give a cheap gift since she's spending money to attend the wedding.  Of course she can, but I personally would not.

[prairiewindmomma]

Fwiw, my actual practice lines up with yours, SKL, which is “give generously according to your means”. Some people can only comfortably manage a token gift, others can do more. I think most of us are probably closer in our personal guidelines than not. 
 

If the total cost of attending a wedding including travel and attire brings out bad feelings, like they seem to with OP, then that’s a great time to send regrets and move on. 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Fwiw, my actual practice lines up with yours, SKL, which is “give generously according to your means”. Some people can only comfortably manage a token gift, others can do more. I think most of us are probably closer in our personal guidelines than not. 
 

If the total cost of attending a wedding including travel and attire brings out bad feelings, like they seem to with OP, then that’s a great time to send regrets and move on. 

Well said.

And yes I believe @SKL does actually live by the give generously according to your means philosophy. 
 

[Frances]

On 3/21/2023 at 7:23 AM, SKL said:

Well and like everything else regarding etiquette, you would never actually say out loud how you decided on the gift.  That doesn't mean you don't do a little calculation in your mind.

I read the OP as asking whether she can give a cheap gift since she's spending money to attend the wedding.  Of course she can, but I personally would not.

We don’t even know anything about the couple in question. They could be highly educated 30 something successful professionals making more money than any of the parents involved and already fully set up home owners. 

Edited March 22, 2023 by Frances

[SKL]

8 minutes ago, Frances said:

We don’t even know anything about the couple in question. They could be highly educated 30 something successful professionals making more money than any of the parents involved and already fully set up home owners. My niece is getting married next summer in a sort of destination wedding (the wedding is a very easy drive from the family’s hometown, but we were told by the parents we need to pay to stay in the expensive wedding town for three nights, as no one will be staying at the family home), and this describes her and her fiancée. Do I want to attend? Not really, as we are not close to her family and it’s definitely not a place I would choose to vacation at, especially in August (think hot and humid), but we are going to try and turn it into a fun vacation and visit other nearby places before and after, since we are already flying across the country. We will be jointly making a gift we hope they love, but it will not be expensive and I have no idea if the cost of materials will “cover the plate” as I have no idea what kind of wedding it is going to be and don’t plan to ask in advance. Sure, we could afford to spend more for an expensive gift in addition to the airfare, food, lodging, rental car, etc., but personally, I’d rather give something handmade and unique. And from what little I know of the couple, I also think it’s the type of gift they would prefer to receive.

You are giving a gift you believe they will love receiving.  That sounds perfect.

I didn't get that vibe at all from the OP, but like you said, we don't know much about this couple.

(I'm still curious as to who told OP that her clothes aren't good enough for this wedding!  Are you inviting me or my dress??)

[marbel]

32 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Fwiw, my actual practice lines up with yours, SKL, which is “give generously according to your means”. Some people can only comfortably manage a token gift, others can do more. I think most of us are probably closer in our personal guidelines than not. 
 

If the total cost of attending a wedding including travel and attire brings out bad feelings, like they seem to with OP, then that’s a great time to send regrets and move on. 

Yes, this is my practice too. But it's when the notion of "covering your plate" is brought into the mix that it starts to feel (to me) like a purely financial transaction and not a gift.

 

[Grace Hopper]

12 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

I would consider it a "destination wedding" if the expectation is that everyone that comes to the wedding will stay at the "quaint hotel".  

This is my understanding as well, be it a quaint regional resort or something international. IME a destination wedding is one that requires *all* guests to travel, vacation-like. It’s not a typical Saturday afternoon or evening event in a  hometown of the bride or groom that roughly half the guests can attend without facing travel expenses (more than a day trip, I mean). I don’t think of the need for the folks from the possible non-resident half of the couple to travel to the other’s hometown as a “destination” wedding - if my local nephew marries a girl from a far away state and the wedding is in her hometown, requiring me to travel there to attend - yes, I may need to pay for a hotel and airfare, but that doesn’t make it a necessity for every guest. 
 

To me a destination wedding is when the couple makes a deliberate choice of venue that requires 100% of the guests to incur travel expenses (often at resort pricing) and take multiple days off work). I’m aware there are many reasons they may choose this. Personally I am not a fan. I have limited funds and limited time and would have to send a lot of regrets. But again, everyone who plans such has reasons, and part of that may be culling the guest list anyway.

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

1) YOU ASKED about whether or not you should buy an expensive gift, and YOU SAID you can afford it.  Sorry I answered your question!

2) I wasn't thinking multiple hundreds of dollars fwiw.

3) You clearly do not want to attend and I don't understand why you are doing so.  Why are you going?  Just to tick a box  because it's a niece (apparently one you don't like much)?

1) - i said I could afford the lodge (and the overpriced meals). we're thinking of it like a weekend away (which justifies the cost of the lodge and meals) - or I wouldn't be going.   

2) if you haven't seen those "how much should I spend on a wedding gift" calculators = "how much you'd spend at a nice dinner out"  - or your own version of "how much is my (group of five) attendance costing the hosts? - those calculators expect multiple hundreds of dollars.   I don't want to be guilted into spending far more on a gift than I would have otherwise.

3) i do want to attend, or I wouldn't be going.  (heck - my brother (father of the bride) is NOT invited!  I'm looking forward to seeing family who will be there.)

 

[pinball]

16 hours ago, marbel said:

I have asked but have never received a satisfactory answer to the question: "how would I know how much the wedding cost?"

I might not know how much an entire wedding costs but I can make a rough estimate of food and beverage costs, usually just by knowing the name of the venue. 

I have a pretty good idea of ranges of costs at different venues.

It’s not top secret info to look at website and see what catering costs are.

 

[pinball]

19 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have never and I will never buy a gift based on this criteria.  If I am invited to a wedding I assume my presence is desired by the bride and groom.  It is actually repulsive to me to think I would be invited or not based upon the value of the gift I would bring.  

Except that’s not at all what SKL wrote

[Frances]

21 hours ago, pinball said:

I might not know how much an entire wedding costs but I can make a rough estimate of food and beverage costs, usually just by knowing the name of the venue. 

I have a pretty good idea of ranges of costs at different venues.

It’s not top secret info to look at website and see what catering costs are.

 

But “cover the plate” was not how it was first presented in this thread when the question was asked about how a guest would possibly calculate the per person cost for a wedding. Depending on the location, style, etc., food and drink might be only a small portion of the total wedding cost and all wedding expenses divided by the number of guests would likely be a significantly higher figure in those cases.

Edited March 22, 2023 by Frances

[Shoeless]

8 hours ago, Tenaj said:

Want to know a secret?  I recently wore the same dress to my second son's wedding that I wore seven years before to my first son's wedding.  And it was fine - I had purchased two other dresses for the most recent wedding but hated both of them, didn't feel comfortable in them  and the color scheme was the same so I accessories differently and was comfortable and looked nice.  That kind of stuff just doesn't matter.

  Oh, and our gift was that we bought four suits and a bridesmaid dress for the siblings to be in the wedding and put on a nice rehearsal dinner.

Aw, I think that's kind of sweet, to wear the same dress for both son's weddings. ❤️

I usually spend around $75-100 on a wedding gift. Most of my relatives are far, far wealthier than I am; one cousin just bought a 1.5 million dollar home.  My home cost $150K. We are NOT in the same tax bracket at all! I cannot afford to "cover the plate" at the weddings of millionaires.

[Hannah]

When I was young and broke, I used to made a cross stitch with the names of the couple and their wedding date that I had framed. The personal touch was really appreciated. I am still friends (24 to 30 years later) with four couples in who's houses their cross stitch still hangs. I  decided recently to start doing it again for the next generation, but now that I can will probably add some cash too.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, pinball said:

Except that’s not at all what SKL wrote

Good grief.  Every time I quaternary someone it is not solely directed to that person.  I thought we had been over this not long ago.  At any rate @SKL and I had further discussion later in the thread and I think we are good. If not she can let me know.  

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, Tenaj said:

Want to know a secret?  I recently wore the same dress to my second son's wedding that I wore seven years before to my first son's wedding.  And it was fine - I had purchased two other dresses for the most recent wedding but hated both of them, didn't feel comfortable in them  and the color scheme was the same so I accessories differently and was comfortable and looked nice.  That kind of stuff just doesn't matter.

  Oh, and our gift was that we bought four suits and a bridesmaid dress for the siblings to be in the wedding and put on a nice rehearsal dinner.

I think that is super cool. ❤️❤️

[marbel]

3 hours ago, pinball said:

I might not know how much an entire wedding costs but I can make a rough estimate of food and beverage costs, usually just by knowing the name of the venue. 

I have a pretty good idea of ranges of costs at different venues.

It’s not top secret info to look at website and see what catering costs are.

 

OK, so that's fine if the wedding is at a venue where everything is included. I have no idea what percentage of people have weddings in such venues, but I'd say the minority of weddings I've been to have been in a wedding venue with a cost person that one would find online. Most have been at home/in a church and fellowship hall/in a park, etc.  For example, here was my wedding:

- at a private club, not free but not expensive. Nothing included except the use of the place (which was beautiful inside and out; there was a garden where the wedding ceremony took place, so very minimal flower needs).

- the club had a list of many caterers that they allowed. So a person who wanted to know the cost of the food would have to know which caterer we were using.

- we chose "heavy hors d'oeuvre" instead of a meal for our midday wedding reception. Someone wanting to know the cost of their plate would have to know that we didn't choose a meal. (In fact, we spent more per person than we would have for a meal, but got exactly what we wanted.)

- we bought our own booze and soft drinks from a local discount store, and took it to the caterers rather than having them supply it. A big cost savings.

- a friend went to the wholesale flower market and bought flowers for the tables as her gift to us. My mother bought the cake as her gift to us. 

It would take a lot of research for someone to figure out how much we spent, if anyone was so inclined! 🤣 

 

 

 

Edited March 21, 2023 by marbel

[pinball]

56 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Good grief.  Every time I quaternary someone it is not solely directed to that person.  I thought we had been over this not long ago.  At any rate @SKL and I had further discussion later in the thread and I think we are good. If not she can let me know.  

You used some pretty dramatic language…repulsive, wrongheaded…to describe deciding the amount of money to spend on a wedding gift. The “cover your plate” concept comes a good place, I think. The people using it seem to want to not be an added burden on the wedding couple.

i think that is a good thing, not wrongheaded

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Hannah said:

When I was young and broke, I used to made a cross stitch with the names of the couple and their wedding date that I had framed. The personal touch was really appreciated. I am still friends (24 to 30 years later) with four couples in who's houses their cross stitch still hangs. I  decided recently to start doing it again for the next generation, but now that I can will probably add some cash too.

I'm lazy (and my vision . . . sigh. Had a retired optometrist help me with new glasses yesterday, he said the last optician screwed up my bifocal prescription and that's why I hate my current glasses so much . . . )  anyway, I digress.

first christmas ornaments . . . 😜  I try to find a style I think the couple would enjoy.  (now that I'm not so broke, I'll include something else.)

my nephew nearly cried when I gave him a baby's first christmas, because it's what my mom always did and he missed her.

Edited March 21, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Frances]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

OK, so that's fine if the wedding is at a venue where everything is included. I have no idea what percentage of people have weddings in such venues, but I'd say the minority of weddings I've been to have been in a wedding venue with a cost person that one would find online. Most have been at home/in a church and fellowship hall/in a park, etc.  For example, here was my wedding:

- at a private club, not free but not expensive. Nothing included except the use of the place (which was beautiful inside and out; there was a garden where the wedding ceremony took place, so very minimal flower needs).

- the club had a list of many caterers that they allowed. So a person who wanted to know the cost of the food would have to know which caterer we were using.

- we chose "heavy hors d'oeuvre" instead of a meal for our midday wedding reception. Someone wanting to know the cost of their plate would have to know that we didn't choose a meal. (In fact, we spent more per person than we would have for a meal, but got exactly what we wanted.)

- we bought our own booze and soft drinks from a local discount store, and took it to the caterers rather than having them supply it. A big cost savings.

- a friend went to the wholesale flower market and bought flowers for the tables as her gift to us. My mother bought the cake as her gift to us. 

It would take a lot of research for someone to figure out how much we spent, if anyone was so inclined! 🤣 

 

 

 

Compared to where I grew up, non-generic weddings and receptions are the norm, not the exception. And that doesn’t mean they are all expensive, over the top affairs, quite the contrary. Based on my experience here, those saying they could easily figure out the per person cost of attendance must live in places where standard weddings at the same few places with the same few caterers are much more the norm.

[gardenmom5]

oh- 2dd's bff's wedding had to be rescheduled (and moved) twice due to covid . . . when it was FINALLY settled, it had been reduced to 40 people at a restaurant here in town.   She and 2dd both live in Texas . . . 

bff and her new hubby did make an announcement about how important those last 40 people were to them to still be included.  😄 

when he was still at the CPA firm, 2ds had clients who were writing off business dinners at this restaurant . . . . so, he had to go look it up.  (then I had to go look it up 😮🤑😮 capable of being upwards of $1000 PER PERSON, - NOT including drinks . . .   (bff didn't spend nearly that much per person)  seriously . . . thunk.

[Frances]

53 minutes ago, pinball said:

You used some pretty dramatic language…repulsive, wrongheaded…to describe deciding the amount of money to spend on a wedding gift. The “cover your plate” concept comes a good place, I think. The people using it seem to want to not be an added burden on the wedding couple.

i think that is a good thing, not wrongheaded

But the idea of being a burden on the wedding couple is just strange. If the couple doesn’t want to incur the expense of inviting someone, don’t invite them. And if a parent or other relative insists, they are welcome to cover the cost. Plus, there are all sorts of ways to have an inexpensive wedding if a couple is concerned about cost. 
 

When I invite people to my house for a party or dinner, I don’t think of the cost as a burden I have to take on. If I wasn’t happy to invite them and feed them, I wouldn’t do it. That’s why in my younger, poorer years we attended lots of potlucks. People planned the parties they could afford.
 

[pinball]

15 minutes ago, Frances said:

But the idea of being a burden on the wedding couple is just strange. If the couple doesn’t want to incur the expense of inviting someone, don’t invite them. And if a parent or other relative insists, they are welcome to cover the cost. Plus, there are all sorts of ways to have an inexpensive wedding if a couple is concerned about cost. 
 

When I invite people to my house for a party or dinner, I don’t think of the cost as a burden I have to take on. If I wasn’t happy to invite them and feed them, I wouldn’t do it. That’s why in my younger, poorer years we attended lots of potlucks. People planned the parties they could afford.
 

Right…weddings aren’t stressful at all/end sarcasm

emotional burdens, social burdens, financial burdens…all add stress to weddings. If I can ease the burden in any of these categories, I don’t think it is strange or wrongheaded or repulsive.

YMMV

[mom2scouts]

On 3/20/2023 at 11:38 AM, SKL said:

Oh OK, I misunderstood about the lodge.

I still think it's appropriate to give a gift that covers the per-person cost of the wedding plus a little more ... or stay home and send a card with money.

I thought the point of inviting guests was to share your big event with people you care about. Wedding guests aren't there to reimburse you for the big party you wanted to throw.

[Grace Hopper]

40 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

I thought the point of inviting guests was to share your big event with people you care about. Wedding guests aren't there to reimburse you for the big party you wanted to throw.

And in an old-fashioned vein, you are inviting people to be witnesses to your union. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

Right…weddings aren’t stressful at all/end sarcasm

emotional burdens, social burdens, financial burdens…all add stress to weddings. If I can ease the burden in any of these categories, I don’t think it is strange or wrongheaded or repulsive.

YMMV

Ftr, I used the word repulsive to describe how I would feel if I was invited based upon what I could afford as a gift. 

I did say I think it is wrong headed to think one needs to ease the financial cost of being a guest.  As it turns out that isn’t exactly what @SKL was saying and she and I worked that out and yet here you are still picking on my words. 

[gardenmom5]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ftr, I used the word repulsive to describe how I would feel if I was invited based upon what I could afford as a gift. 

I did say I think it is wrong headed to think one needs to ease the financial cost of being a guest.  As it turns out that isn’t exactly what @SKL was saying and she and I worked that out and yet here you are still picking on my words. 

That's what I understood you to be saying.

[pinball]

 the problem is…someone said, “this is what I do/think as a guest re gift giving to a wedding.” And others  flipped it around into “this is what brides & grooms think when they invite people” 

And no one said that…it’s two different things. Brides and Grooms could have no expectations at all as to gifts for themselves yet when THEY are guests, they might want to at very least “cover their plate”

it is the same as having people over for dinner and being a dinner guest. As the host, you might have no expectations except the guest having a good time but as the guest you wouldn’t dream of not arriving without a gift, even if it is a small bouquet or a box of candies. Or as host, you want to serve what the guest likes to eat but as a guest, you will make do with whatever is served.

because someone says they want to “cover their plates” when they are wedding guests that doesn’t mean when they are bride/grooom, they expect guests to cover their plates.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

 the problem is…someone said, “this is what I do/think as a guest re gift giving to a wedding.” And others  flipped it around into “this is what brides & grooms think when they invite people” 

And no one said that…it’s two different things. Brides and Grooms could have no expectations at all as to gifts for themselves yet when THEY are guests, they might want to at very least “cover their plate”

it is the same as having people over for dinner and being a dinner guest. As the host, you might have no expectations except the guest having a good time but as the guest you wouldn’t dream of not arriving without a gift, even if it is a small bouquet or a box of candies. Or as host, you want to serve what the guest likes to eat but as a guest, you will make do with whatever is served.

because someone says they want to “cover their plates” when they are wedding guests that doesn’t mean when they are bride/grooom, they expect guests to cover their plates.

Whaaat?  
 

I think if you feel as a guest that you should cover your plate that is likely to translate to thinking your guests should cover their plate.  

[pinball]

8 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Whaaat?  
 

I think if you feel as a guest that you should cover your plate that is likely to translate to thinking your guests should cover their plate.  

No, it is not axiomatic.

Some wedding couples might think that way. 
 

If a guest decides a certain gift is appropriate for herself to give, that doesn’t mean that when she is a bride she believes all her guests think like her.

it is like anything else in life. A person makes choices for herself and knows the entire rest of the world doesn’t make the same choices.

another wedding example….some people hate registries. A guest who hates registries might still purchase a gift off a wedding registry. That doesn’t mean she will have a registry herself.

[pinball]

Cover the plate is just one part of my thinking about what goes into a gift. Cover the plate is the never the entire gift.

 

[SKL]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Whaaat?  
 

I think if you feel as a guest that you should cover your plate that is likely to translate to thinking your guests should cover their plate.  

Not at all.

What pinball said is correct.  I was saying what I would do as a guest, which is extremely different from what my perspective would be as a host.  When I host, I plan things in such a way that nobody has the opportunity to pay for anything.  (Exception being my kids' baby shower, which I was basically forced to throw, and I found it excruciating.)

You talked earlier about my logic being faulty.  But what's faulty is the logic that what I'd do for another person equals what I expect another person to do for me.  There is no basis for that ... unless it's the way YOU think and you're projecting that on me.

If you knew me IRL you would never think these things up.

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, SKL said:

Not at all.

What pinball said is correct.  I was saying what I would do as a guest, which is extremely different from what my perspective would be as a host.  When I host, I plan things in such a way that nobody has the opportunity to pay for anything.  (Exception being my kids' baby shower, which I was basically forced to throw, and I found it excruciating.)

You talked earlier about my logic being faulty.  But what's faulty is the logic that what I'd do for another person equals what I expect another person to do for me.  There is no basis for that ... unless it's the way YOU think and you're projecting that on me.

If you knew me IRL you would never think these things up.

Well I stand corrected.  
 

 

[LaughingCat]

 IMO the general cost of the receptions is highly impacted by the area of the country and the background of the families involved. 

Where I grew up, there were two types of receptions:  in the basement of the church with cake and punch or at a local hotel with hors d'ouvres.  And the choice of which one people chose was generally unrelated to money. There were NO sit-down dinner receptions, no backyard receptions, no potlucks.  Those just weren't "the style" there.  The "expensive" version of each of those just found a prettier site and served better food (and I went to a LOT of weddings because my mom knew everyone and would often take me as her +1 once I was an adult).

Then, when I first moved away to a new area, a friend there told me that any reception without a sit-down dinner was "cheap" and she had never been to a reception without one.  Of course, I had never been to a reception that had one at that point -- but the next weddings I went to were all in that area, and all sit-down dinner receptions. 

Since then I've been to many different types of receptions in many different areas of the country-- from church basement to bbq in the backyard to potluck to hors d'ouvre's to sit down dinner to destination. And for each type, I've been to various cost levels from "trying to pinch every penny" to  "go big!" and all levels in-between. 

It doesn't matter to me because I don't use reception cost as a metric -- I use my own connection to the couple/family and my own means to judge how much to give.  I can see considering a "cover the plate" type metric to look at whether my amount is changing appropriately with the times (i.e. not get stuck with giving the same amount forever)-- but once I set a new value I'd give that same amount to everyone at that same level of connection from then on.

For OP, I would give her whatever you would have given her IF the wedding had NOT been a destination wedding.   I would choose to not let my costs impact my gift-giving (been there, had those same thoughts, and chose to give what I would normally have given).

[Clarita]

FWIW in my family culture we are suppose to cover our per person cost plus some more. It is then considered rude to undercut the typical expected fanciness of the meal. Conversely if you go over the typical expected cost then you won't get that back. Typically for weddings I pay $150 - $200 per head (since I realize that mine is not the dominate culture where I live I don't expect the celebrations to be of a certain caliber). 

The my family cultural expectation actually derives from the past where 1) a wedding is one of the most important/biggest celebration of a person's life, and 2) in the past the village would have gotten together to help throw this big wedding feast and in addition do some stuff to help the new married couple get started in their life together. To me the 2nd part about everyone chipping in to throw a grand celebration for someone once in their life is a beautiful sentiment. 

It's a bit weird to me that people jumped onto @SKL's answer to the question. 

If getting a gift is going to put you in a foul mood then don't give a gift. If going is going to put you in a foul mood reply "no." I really don't understand the bitterness in going to a party just because some people do enjoy a bit of out of the ordinary.   

[Frances]

On 3/21/2023 at 7:13 AM, SKL said:

Interesting.  I can see how this etiquette may apply less with the modern trend toward what I'd consider over-the-top weddings.  If you're trying to make your wedding feel like a Disney World vacation, that's on you.  That's really not happening in my regional circle.

I would think the etiquette would apply less these days, at least where I live, because most weddings are anything but generic, so most people would have no idea in advance what the per person cost would be. Now when I was growing up in the rural Midwest, most weddings were very generic with the reception held at one of a few places and very similar buffet style food. So it would have been relatively easy for someone to know what the general cost was. And there would have been lots of talk (gossip) in advance about the wedding. Maybe that still applies for people who live in very homogenous places or socialize with very homogenous groups. But where I live and our social circle is very diverse, so pretty much anything goes, except for over the top weddings. Everyone I know thinks that concept is just plain stupid and wouldn’t do it even if they could afford it. But I generally know nothing in advance about the weddings we attend, outside of info provided on the invitation. So it would be almost impossible to calculate the amount that would “cover my plate”, even if I wanted to, which I don’t.

[Garga]

3 hours ago, Clarita said:

FWIW in my family culture we are suppose to cover our per person cost plus some more. It is then considered rude to undercut the typical expected fanciness of the meal. Conversely if you go over the typical expected cost then you won't get that back. Typically for weddings I pay $150 - $200 per head (since I realize that mine is not the dominate culture where I live I don't expect the celebrations to be of a certain caliber). 

The my family cultural expectation actually derives from the past where 1) a wedding is one of the most important/biggest celebration of a person's life, and 2) in the past the village would have gotten together to help throw this big wedding feast and in addition do some stuff to help the new married couple get started in their life together. To me the 2nd part about everyone chipping in to throw a grand celebration for someone once in their life is a beautiful sentiment. 

It's a bit weird to me that people jumped onto @SKL's answer to the question. 

If getting a gift is going to put you in a foul mood then don't give a gift. If going is going to put you in a foul mood reply "no." I really don't understand the bitterness in going to a party just because some people do enjoy a bit of out of the ordinary.   

I also don’t understand people being upset that a guest might think, “Aw! I got invited to a wedding! How wonderful! How can I bless the bride and groom and their family? Hmm…when I get them a gift, maybe I’ll try to sort of cover what they spent on me for my dinner and maybe give them a little bit more! That seems like a nice thing to do.” 
 

This article says that people usually spent about $50-100 per guest for food. https://roaminghunger.com/blog/15409/how-much-does-it-cost-to-cater-a-wedding-for-100-people

A couple of weekends ago, my son went to a wedding and got a card for the couple. He asked me, “How much should I put in there?” and I said, “Maybe $40 or $50? That’s probably what they spent on your food.” I didn’t give it a bunch of thought and neither did he and we weren’t resentful or pulling out spreadsheets and calculators and trying to make things super even. It was mostly a throwaway comment/idea that I tossed out at him to consider.

I don’t ever think the bride or groom expects guests to purposely cover their food. But some guests see it as a nice thing to do. 

I find it on par with being invited to dinner at someone’s house and bringing a bottle of wine. I don’t expect guests to bring anything, but some guests will insist. No one gets all shocked that a dinner guest would bring wine or a dessert or flowers. I don’t see why so many are astounded that a guest might say, “If I can swing it, I’ll try to cover the costs of my meal plus a little more when I go to a wedding.”

 

And of course, things change based on other factors. For my son, the wedding was for a couple a few years older than him that he sort of hung out with a bit at church, but not a whole lot. He didn’t hang out with them much, other than attending some bible studies they led. He looks up to them as a couple that are 5 or so years older than him. He’s a 20-year-old college student now. If it was his best friend ever or his brother, the gift would be more personal and meaningful. So, if the wedding is for close personal friends or beloved family members vs. a distant cousin or a couple that you look up to but aren’t friend-friends with, that also makes a difference.

And always, budget comes into play. There have been times when $10 in the card would be all I could swing. Or I’d come up with a cheap gift. For example, I gave my favorite recipes written out beautifully to a couple when I couldn’t afford to buy something. 

 

Edited March 23, 2023 by Garga

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Clarita said:

FWIW in my family culture we are suppose to cover our per person cost plus some more. It is then considered rude to undercut the typical expected fanciness of the meal. Conversely if you go over the typical expected cost then you won't get that back. Typically for weddings I pay $150 - $200 per head (since I realize that mine is not the dominate culture where I live I don't expect the celebrations to be of a certain caliber). 

The my family cultural expectation actually derives from the past where 1) a wedding is one of the most important/biggest celebration of a person's life, and 2) in the past the village would have gotten together to help throw this big wedding feast and in addition do some stuff to help the new married couple get started in their life together. To me the 2nd part about everyone chipping in to throw a grand celebration for someone once in their life is a beautiful sentiment. 

It's a bit weird to me that people jumped onto @SKL's answer to the question. 

If getting a gift is going to put you in a foul mood then don't give a gift. If going is going to put you in a foul mood reply "no." I really don't understand the bitterness in going to a party just because some people do enjoy a bit of out of the ordinary.   

In your family culture - does that mean what you give other family members?  or what everyone in your family gives to whatever wedding of anyone you attend?
 

To me: How much someone spends on a gift - should ONLY be related to a person's discretionary income and what they feel comfortable giving - no one should tell them an amount (or "punish" them for not spending enough. . . e.g. the bride who made the news for sending bills to her guests who didn't spend enough money - according to her - on wedding gifts.).  I find it sad/mercenary/lost-the-plot when people have rolled out "formulaes" for how much other people "should pay" for a gift.

 

Perhaps my very strong revulsion (as opposed to mere dislike) towards these ideas is because I was raised with "invite as many people as possible so you will get more gifts" drilled into me.  (I was constantly and repeatedly told similar until I was in my 20s when I stopped listening to anything she said).  I find it offensively mercenary.  (that same person - would criticize people for inviting her to things because "they just want a present".  Niece was so lucky to be raised away from that person. . . She was rather avaricious . . . )   

I think will go to the shower (schedule conflict) - I ordered a slip bottom pan, and will give dh's chocolate cheesecake recipe.  And my carrot cake recipe . . (which I needed when I got home, because I bought carrot cake cupcakes at costco. . . they had no carrots. blink. blink. It was very sad.)

 

[gardenmom5]

11 minutes ago, Garga said:

I also don’t understand people being upset that a guest might think, “Aw! I got invited to a wedding! How wonderful! How can I bless the bride and groom and their family? Hmm…when I get them a gift, maybe I’ll try to sort of cover what they spent on me for my dinner and maybe give them a little bit more! That seems like a nice thing to do.”  

That's not why people are upset.  Other people can use whatever criteria they wish to determine how much to spend.
It's when those people start telling everyone else to use that criteria to determine how much other people "must" spend.

[Garga]

4 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

That's not why people are upset.  Other people can use whatever criteria they wish to determine how much to spend.
It's when those people start telling everyone else to use that criteria to determine how much other people "must" spend.

Did anyone ever say that? I never saw anyone say that. I guess I missed it. I only saw people say that for themselves that was a criteria they used and they put it out there as a possible idea for others to use, if they liked. But I never saw a “must”.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Garga

[Garga]

15 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

That's not why people are upset.  Other people can use whatever criteria they wish to determine how much to spend.
It's when those people start telling everyone else to use that criteria to determine how much other people "must" spend.

I’ve re-read the thread. No one said anywhere near what you wrote. No one said you “must” spend that amount. They only tossed out what they themselves do as an idea to consider.

I was one of the first people to say I also (when I swing it, which most of my life I couldn’t) like the idea of covering the cost of my plate. But I never said that anyone had to do it. It was just an idea that I shared.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Garga

[Sneezyone]

13 minutes ago, Garga said:

I’ve re-read the thread. No one said anywhere near what you wrote. No one said you “must” spend that amount. They only tossed out what they themselves do as an idea to consider.

I was one of the first people to say I also (when I swing it, which most of my life I couldn’t) like the idea of covering the cost of my plate. But I never said that anyone had to do it. It was just an idea that I shared.

That and the notion that your attire/attendance expenses for a wedding (but especially a local one) are the host's issue/problem. They're not. That's strictly a personal issue/complaint that you can alleviate by not attending. If one is close enough to the B&G to share their *actual* burdens, do that. Most B&Gs will understand and try to assist those they want to be there. That wasn't the case here. Presumably the B&G know what kinds of expenses are burdensome for their guests and took that into account. I literally spend more to attend DS's regional HS band events.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Sneezyone