Have you been able to break someone of this habit? (assuming others answers)

[Tap]

I have someone around me (person A) who often thinks they know what someone is going to say (person B). Even if person B says "no, that is not what I was going to say", person A will continue arguing saying "yes you were!". It is really confusing, because if you are person B, you are defending yourself about something that you may not have thought or believed. I have no idea, how to work with this person. I spent 10 minutes the other day, trying to convince them, that their assumption, was 100% wrong. This person wouldn't even let me say what I really thought, they just kept arguing the point.

Made up example from last week. Similar, but with the topic changed. 

A: You think that public schools are horrible places for kids, and homeschool is the only answer.

B: No I think....(gets cut off)

A: (said boisterously) Yes you do! You homeschooled your kids. All the homeschool parents I met have thought that.

B: No I don't believe that. Yes, I homeschooled my kids, but I don't think that at all. My own kids went to different schools. We have never talked about this, you have no idea what I think!!

A: Yes you do believe the are horrible!! Everyone who meets homeschoolers knows this. 

 

This argument continues for 5 minutes, but they never give me a chance to even tell them what I really think. They just keep cutting me off, telling me what they think I believe and trying to fight with me about a topic..... I don't even agree with! The funny thing is, I actually pretty much agreed with person A's view point!  LOL They just wouldn't give me a chance to tell them! This has happened a couple of times in the past few months, so  I need a different strategy, to resolve it.  This is a 50yo adult btw. Not a child or teen. 

How in the world do I get them to stop this? Or how can I change what I say to get them to listen?  I finally got them to listen to me, but I really had to be a jerk and almost resorted to yelling "I will not talk about this anymore!". I had to completely change the subject, and then circled back when I had them off the topic. And could sneak my view in when they weren't expecting it. Then they were really nice to me, we chatted about agreeing on the topic, but they never admitted that they were wrong about me. It is such a weird way to have a 

[Melissa in Australia]

You can't 

I have a very close relitives like this I have discovered the best is to just let him believe whatever he wants and give sort of non committal sort of grunting noises every now and then, While my mind drifts off to something else.  I think I almost have it down to an art.... I might have lost the ability to have a conversation  due to years of no practice in the process though

[Shoeless]

You can't make them listen or get them to stop. We can't control others. 

I have someone that does a variation on this. When they assign me my opinion on a topic 🙄, I just say "ok" and nothing more. 

When people do this, they are really telling you what their opinion is of you. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have had people argue with me about what my name was (they insisted on calling me another name); where I was born, how old I was, etc.  I tried to correct them, I would dryly remark that I'm pretty sure that I would know my own name, birthplace, birthdate etc. . .   Finally, I would just say "I am not going to engage on this" and would walk away.  Or turn away to do my work.  (This wasn't all the same person doing this either!) 

[Carrie12345]

Oh, dang. I thought this was going to be about someone trying to finish/rush people’s thoughts (which almost everyone in my house is guilty of.). Your example is way worse, and I’m sorry.

Unless you’re SUPER close, I don’t see hope for fixing that.

[MEmama]

My mother has predetermined belief in what I think and feel. She has no idea who I am as a person but any attempts to tell or show her is met with a dismissive Oh, you're just being childish, or something similar (yes, even at 50 🙄). At this point I just let it go, it's not possible to change the dynamic.

Edited January 30, 2023 by MEmama

[Guest]

OMG, yes. I have a sister who used to do this a lot. I even remember one argument we had over school kids being required to say the Pledge of Allegiance (and “under God”). I do not believe kids must say the PoA or say “under god”, but she was certain I must, because I was a conservative Christian. 
 

I think, at least in this instance, it had to do with her having not had much practice holding a persuasive argument, so she wanted to hold one even though I didn’t think as she expected. It was weird. 
 

I don’t think you can change their ways, but you can give negative reinforcement on it. Say nothing; shrug and say “okay”; literally walk away; say “wow, be impossible then”… My sister stopped for the most part, but I don’t think it was down to me. 

[El...]

You could get really snarky and say something like, "Go on! It's fascinating to hear you tell me what I think!" That might startle them. I doubt it will be a permanent fix, though. This person is quite rude. 

[HomeAgain]

I'd be tempted to get a few pat phrases down.

"This is not a conversation.  You are doing all the talking and none of the listening."

"I'm not discussing this with you."

"You don't know how conversations work.  This one is now over."

I'm not going to waste my time convincing someone that they are wrong or insufferable.  I'm just going to tell them and walk away. 

[catz]

I just wouldn’t engage and shut it down immediately first time you aren’t allowed to respond.  Sounds like someone who enjoys drama more than conversation so they create a conflict.   

[elegantlion]

You can't change them, so I wouldn't engage. My hope is that I'd say something witty like, "You're clearly not concerned with what I think or believe, so I'll just let you live with your illusion." Then shut up. My real self would probably stumble awkwardly through an exchange. 

[SKL]

Start out with a pause of silence, then say, "do you actually want to know what I think?"  "YES!"  "Well then please quietly listen until I finish speaking."  The first time they interrupt you, say "never mind" and walk away.

[Faith-manor]

Oh, so you have met my dead father! Ya. I just walked away from him, and we kept our distance. There was no behavior modification that fixed that mess.

[bolt.]

I don't know about changing the habit, but I certainly wouldn't be having the conversations!

My line would be something like, "It's really rude of you to make up lies about me and pretend it's a normal way to chat among friends. Lying is wrong. My thoughts about (xyz) are my own, and I haven't actually told you any of them. And I don't intend to. I'm going to go do something else now."

Edited January 30, 2023 by bolt.

[fraidycat]

I would say something like "You don't need me here because you're holding both sides of the conversation. If you want my participation instead of your preconceived perception of what I might think, let me know" then walk away.

[Tap]

Thank you everyone so much! I have been trying to figure out a way to deal with these situations and person, but hadn't figured it out. Glad I am not missing something obvious. LOL

I will definitely try some of these ideas next time. Thanks for helping me think it thru!! 

 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

We had a relative like this and we just stayed very quiet and shut down around him. It’s no fun and I’m sorry. 

[Melissa in Australia]

I get the impression that Some of you seem to thing the person has some control. After a 30 year study of a person like this I don't believe they have any control and speaking constantly is some sort of compulsion.