Military families "geo-bacheloring" question

[ksr5377]

There is a huge backstory I have gone over and tried to type out repeatedly but I suppose my question is really straightforward.  If you are a member of or close to the military community and familiar with someone who chose to 'geo-bachelor' do you find it common for the spouse living with the children to repeatedly refer to themselves as a single parent? 

[Acorn]

Common no, but I did hear it from a coworker. I think she used it more to explain why she couldn’t do after work social things.

Edited October 28, 2022 by Acorn

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have heard “acting as a single parent “ but maybe people end up shortening it. 

[Corbster98]

No, but many times you not only feel like a single parent.... you really are in many ways and during much of your time as a military spouse.

Coming from a recently retired Army wife with a husband that served 26 years active service. 

Edited October 28, 2022 by Corbster98

[Annie G]

Not military, but my brother in law moved out of state to take a job (he wanted to take the job, not that he had to) but my sister and the kids stayed behind because she had a job and the kids wanted to stay in their school. At the time sis said she was ‘single parenting it’ while her dh was away. That went on for about 4 years, and it did kind of make sense since she was the one there raising the kids. 
I’ve never heard of that kind of situation in the military other than when the service member is deployed. FIL had an unaccompanied tour once but it was only about six months. MIL probably felt like a single parent(both when he was deployed and on unaccompanied tour) but would never have voiced it.

[Lecka]

No, but people say solo parent.

I would not say anything because sometimes people say something as a different word.

Sometimes people are geo-bachelors and then they get divorced.  Or they might get divorced but then they don’t.  I would wait for this to be mentioned.  I would not assume it at all.  But I would not be surprised, either.  
 

I think sometimes people say single parent and it means they are stressed out, they aren’t thinking, they haven’t heard other people say solo parent, etc.  But solo parent is a usage I heard for sure.  

[Lecka]

I’ve totally heard of this situation in the military.  It’s not a high number of people because many people can’t afford to maintain two households and many people aren’t in a situation where it makes sense.

It happens much more with people with older kids.  It happens much more with people who are not far away from retiring and know they will retire to that place.  It happens a lot more when it’s known the military member is going to take a very stressful and busy duty position or knows it will be a short-term duty position.  

Edited October 28, 2022 by Lecka

[HomeAgain]

In my circles, yes, it is common to use the phrases "single parenting" and "solo parenting".  While there's monetary support from the spouse gone, all decisions and responsibilities really fall on the behind parent.  I don't think there is an adequate term used to describe the specific scenario.

[Lecka]

I would say broadly speaking — the wife is tired of military moves, a child needs more stability especially a high school aged child, or a husband is at some make-or-break situation and they both think it’s the best choice.  
 

Or they can also be growing part/living apart but not sure what the future holds.  This does also happen.  I tend to say it’s less likely but I won’t know it, I will just hear later that someone got divorced a little while later or someone’s wife said she wasn’t moving the next the husband moved, when they had planned for her to go back with his next move.  
 

But I definitely don’t think it’s always troubled marriages.  Often you meet people who did it for 2-3 years for some reason and are happy to be back together.  

[Lecka]

I think some people haven’t heard solo parenting so they don’t say it.

 

Then I think sometimes people say solo parenting, it turns out nobody knows what they are talking about back in their hometown (or wherever), and so they say single parenting.  

[Lecka]

I guess to me — bottom line — I wouldn’t assume it meant someone was going to get a divorce, at all, but I also wouldn’t be surprised.  
 

But a lot of people get divorced in the military.  I wouldn’t think it was more likely, at all, because someone said single parent.

 

I think it can be a more stressful position to be in than it might look like it is.  

[Lecka]

I will also say, it is something that is more affordable to some people.  
 

I think some people desperately need to do it and then do it, but it can get very expensive for them and then that is very stressful as well.  
 

[Clemsondana]

I've heard the 'single parenting' or other 'on my own' phrases used by parents when the spouse is away for a week or weeks or months at a time.  It's sometimes used by the 'single parent' and other times used by other people to describe the practicalities of their situation.  Like, when my spouse traveled a couple of weeks each month and I had kids who couldn't stay home alone, any group scheduling meetings with me needed to plan as if I were a single parent rather than somebody who could leave the kids home with the other parent.  Despite not being military and not having the same jobs, many women in my family across generations have had husbands who were gone M-F every week or other similar schedules.  We would never introduce ourselves to strangers using the term 'single parent' because that entails more than what we experience - we have financial support and may even be SAHMs, the other parent is physically absent but not uninvolved, etc.  But, among people who know the situation, it wouldn't be shocking to say that you're doing the single parent thing this week or are flying solo for a period of time so that other can adjust their expectations.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

5 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

I've heard the 'single parenting' or other 'on my own' phrases used by parents when the spouse is away for a week or weeks or months at a time.  It's sometimes used by the 'single parent' and other times used by other people to describe the practicalities of their situation.  Like, when my spouse traveled a couple of weeks each month and I had kids who couldn't stay home alone, any group scheduling meetings with me needed to plan as if I were a single parent rather than somebody who could leave the kids home with the other parent.  Despite not being military and not having the same jobs, many women in my family across generations have had husbands who were gone M-F every week or other similar schedules.  We would never introduce ourselves to strangers using the term 'single parent' because that entails more than what we experience - we have financial support and may even be SAHMs, the other parent is physically absent but not uninvolved, etc.  But, among people who know the situation, it wouldn't be shocking to say that you're doing the single parent thing this week or are flying solo for a period of time so that other can adjust their expectations.  

Yes. And I have seen people taking offense at the phrase the person used- making what can be a hard situation even worse. If someone should have said “solo parent “ instead, they are still sleep deprived, and often stressed. I wish that people would stop and listen to what the person is actually saying instead of getting tied up in what phrase was used. (Just using your post as a jumping off point). 

[theelfqueen]

Former Military wife (second marriage - still married, just former military) and former single parent (following first marriage), here.

I always found it mildly distasteful when spouses referred to themselves as single parents but it's actually pretty common.

Edited October 29, 2022 by theelfqueen

[Lecka]

I think it does rub some people the wrong way, and I can see why.  But I don’t have a problem with it.

 

I think people can be stressed and don’t say the perfect thing, or do want a shorthand and not to explain their entire family situation and especially to people not as familiar with the military, who can unintentionally say very rude things sometimes.  

 

And sometimes people are tone deaf and not thinking that maybe they would hurt their mother-in-laws feelings, or offend a woman who was a single mom or used to be one or grew up in a single parent family.  

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

38 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think it does rub some people the wrong way, and I can see why.  But I don’t have a problem with it.

 

I think people can be stressed and don’t say the perfect thing, or do want a shorthand and not to explain their entire family situation and especially to people not as familiar with the military, who can unintentionally say very rude things sometimes.  

 

And sometimes people are tone deaf and not thinking that maybe they would hurt their mother-in-laws feelings, or offend a woman who was a single mom or used to be one or grew up in a single parent family.  

 

Yes, to all of the above.  And to add to it:  all the people I've heard say it in some sort of phrasing meant it as a way of trying to describe their struggle.  People's circumstances are always going to vary - even divorced people have all sorts of different monetary circumstances, support systems and mental and physical stamina.  Same for those who are widowed with children.  Same with those who are solo parenting due to the military or even civilian jobs that take one spouse away for long periods of time.  I think that people get in trouble when they start to compare struggles.  I mean, there always is SOMEONE in the world who has it worse off, but it doesn't really help to point that out to someone who is struggling in their situation, even if it's a situation that "you" or "I" might find easy.  (ETA:  and because we don't always know all the information, we don't really know if we would find it easy if we were actually in that situation.) 

Edited October 28, 2022 by Jean in Newcastle

[fraidycat]

I honestly can't remember for sure what phrase(s) I used to explain my situation when DH was on work-ups, deployments, geo-baching, etc. Nor, did I pay attention to the exact phrases the other wives used, because the result of the military member being away was understood, no matter the words.

But, the day-to-day reality is that I was single parenting. It was all up to me, 24/7, often with very little ability to even communicate with DH for decision making or emotional support. There are divorced, or co-parent, or wealthy single parents with more access to physical support than many miltary families so I don't think that the modifier 'single' belongs only to any one specific type of solo-parent.

Edited October 28, 2022 by fraidycat

[KungFuPanda]

It makes sense to me. They ARE single-parenting. It’s not the same as saying your marital status is single. Maybe if they said they were geo-single parenting people would be less annoyed. Single parent sounds less offensive than geographic bachelor, so I wouldn’t get hung up on the nomenclature. And yes, I have served with a lot of geographic bachelors so I do get the situation, but more from the service member angle than the dependent angle. 

Edited October 29, 2022 by KungFuPanda

[TechWife]

So interesting. My husband traveled roughly 70% of the time for over a decade. It bothered me when people who knew the situation referred to me as a single parent & I always corrected them. I am married and my husband is an active, involved parent. When it was relevant, I’d just say “DH is traveling this week” or “DH is working in San Francisco this week” or on the west coast or in another time zone or city hopping or is asleep in Japan right now or, or ,or … 

My reason being that I have single parents in my family & I am well aware that single parents, whether never married, divorced or widowed, have different stressors than I do. It’s no where near the same, IMO. 

[El...]

The big difference between my situation and a single parent situation, when my dh deployed, was that I had MONEY.  He got paid, and when the washer crapped out, I could get a new one! I didn't use that term, because I didn't feel right comparing my workload to someone who was not only managing all the home and child stuff, but also having to make a living at the same time. 

In a military-heavy community, people know what it's like, and jump in to help. But in places where military families are surrounded by civilian life, it can be tough to explain the challenges. 

I think Jean is right...the person is explaining how alone they feel. Maybe just help them, instead of critiquing their verbal shorthand. Not that you're critiquing, OP.

[zimom]

My husband and I lived apart for around 5 years, not due to marital issues.  I lived with youngest who took 500% of our energy.  He lived with our middle who had been functioning as an adult since childhood.  Our adult child lived near hubby.  It was very tough for me, even though this was something we both agreed on, he provided our financial support and we were generally together around every other weekend.  I didn't know what else to call it other than I was her single parent the majority time.   I never called myself a single parent other then to my friends that were true single parents and it was basically a conversation of how I didn't know how they did it because I was only a single parent logistically speaking.  I had my husband emotionally and financially, and physically on a regular basis.  

[Tap]

Not military, but had an xh who traveled for work.

 

I used to say I was "basically a single-parent" all the time. Never heard the term solo-parent before. It was said in context that everyone knew what it meant and why I was saying it. It wasn't confusing or said in a way to make me seem single (unmarried).

[ksr5377]

Thank you for the replies. I know it really doesn't matter what someone refers to themselves as and I think it's may be bothering me a little in this situation because of a close friend who became a widow around the same time.  I am close to both of these people and am a sounding board for both of them.  While both situations are obviously difficult I can see such a difference between my friend who was widowed and my friend who chose to not move with her DH. I'm happy to be made aware that using the term isn't uncommon.  It's just something I need to let go.  Thanks everyone!