Explain how counseling worked for you

[heartlikealion]

7 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Another thing I told her is that I feel numb as in pretty much don't feel anything. Like everyone is so concerned about my grief. I don't really care that my mother died other than the weight of the responsibility for caring for her is done.  So it actually makes me feel more hopeful.  A woman came up to me at the Bible study, saying she so understood how much she missed her mom...tearing up.  Everyone who has lost their mom tears up talking to me about it.  I, on the other hand, feel like the line from Chorus Line, "And I felt...nothing."

She said I probably had a lot of anticipatory grief.  Everyone grieves in their own way, etc.  She basically dismissed it. To me, it feels like more should be explored.  

I’m reading this through a screen so can’t pick up vibes necessarily but I’m wondering if in her dismissiveness she was cold. Maybe you needed to hear, “that’s ok” rather than some textbook jargon explanation. 

I did some of my grieving over the time my mom was sick and immediately after she died. Occasionally I’ll get sad but she didn’t die young and I was relieved she was no longer struggling. Several people here have shared their experiences and I hope that brings you some comfort. We’re all different. Now if you were holding a grudge with your mom or there’s some “needs closure” thing you want to discuss, I can see how that might affect your grieving process and might be worth discussing. I can’t tell if the therapist is that person to do it with, though. 

I do think some therapists are too cold. 

[TexasProud]

Ok, I just gave the grief as an example.  But I don't feel love toward my husband or my children either. I do everything I do because that is what a good mom or good wife does. I took care of mom, not because I wanted to, but because that is what a good daughter does.

I've told y'all that before.  Who knows.  Maybe it is a matter of expectation. Maybe magical feelings are a myth.  Several things on different groups when I have said about struggling with my faith, I was told I was completely normal.  That I had handled it really well. 

Well, if that is normal.  Then normal sucks. 

That said, I am starting to thaw.  I actually missed my husband yesterday and longed for him to be home.  I have actually cried about a couple of things lately. By myself...I never cry in front of anyone...I really can't. As I mentioned I actually "felt" grateful and enjoyed singing without anxiety. (Though I am sure if I read the Covid thread again, I would understand I am doing all sorts of reckless stuff according to people on this board as I don't wear a mask and neither does anyone else.  When I can forget about this board, I can actually enjoy that. 

 

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, I just gave the grief as an example.  But I don't feel love toward my husband or my children either. I do everything I do because that is what a good mom or good wife does. I took care of mom, not because I wanted to, but because that is what a good daughter does.

I've told y'all that before.  Who knows.  Maybe it is a matter of expectation. Maybe magical feelings are a myth.  Several things on different groups when I have said about struggling with my faith, I was told I was completely normal.  That I had handled it really well. 

Well, if that is normal.  Then normal sucks. 

That said, I am starting to thaw.  I actually missed my husband yesterday and longed for him to be home.  I have actually cried about a couple of things lately. By myself...I never cry in front of anyone...I really can't. As I mentioned I actually "felt" grateful and enjoyed singing without anxiety. (Though I am sure if I read the Covid thread again, I would understand I am doing all sorts of reckless stuff according to people on this board as I don't wear a mask and neither does anyone else.  When I can forget about this board, I can actually enjoy that. 

Maybe you’ve always been wired that way. Some people are less mushy. I just don’t understand how one comes to get a husband if they don’t feel love unless this is something that faded. Or they point blank married for financial security, cultural expectations etc rather than love. I’m not asking, just thinking aloud. 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you need some space, more often. 

They don’t wear masks at my church.

[fairfarmhand]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 

That said, I am starting to thaw.  I actually missed my husband yesterday and longed for him to be home.  I have actually cried about a couple of things lately. By myself...I never cry in front of anyone...I really can't. As I mentioned I actually "felt" grateful and enjoyed singing without anxiety. (Though I am sure if I read the Covid thread again, I would understand I am doing all sorts of reckless stuff according to people on this board as I don't wear a mask and neither does anyone else.  When I can forget about this board, I can actually enjoy that. 

 

If you have thought through the risks and you're comfortable with that, who gives a crap what a bunch of people on a message board think? 

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Maybe you’ve always been wired that way. Some people are less mushy. I just don’t understand how one comes to get a husband if they don’t feel love unless this is something that faded. Or they point blank married for financial security, cultural expectations etc rather than love. I’m not asking, just thinking aloud. 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you need some space, more often. 

 

I no, that is just it.  I felt wonderfully in love.  I have years of journals to prove it.  Honestly, kids changed everything.  To be honest, I have felt a very deep sense of responsibility, not necessarily love.  Perhaps because the first kid had very serious medical conditions starting day 2: siezures that took them a week to stop in the hospital.  Weaned him off of the phonobarb at 3 or 6 months ( too long ago, and don't remember) and it took them a week again to get it under control.  So yeah, a lot of anxiety over the first two years of his life as we were in and out of doctor offices. .  

[fairfarmhand]

I don't have strong feelings as a general rule.

I have a grandchild who is SUPER precious. I enjoy him. He's fun. But I don't have the typical grandmotherly feelings. I do all the right things. But as far as my feelings, for him right now, I'd day I am very fond of him. Of course, I'd tear off somebody's face if they ever tried to hurt him, but I don't experience strong emotions as a general rule. 

It takes me anywhere from a few hours to a few days to figure out whether or not I am livid or annoyed with someone. My dh says I have an emotional slip gear. 

It's who I am. And it suits my dh pretty well most of the time because he's very very reactive and he often needs me to look at him and squint and be like "You're going to get bent out of shape about THAT?"  And sometimes, I need to be pushed into doing something because I don't have strong feelings that motivate me. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

If you have thought through the risks and you're comfortable with that, who gives a crap what a bunch of people on a message board think? 

Because I always want to do the right thing. I don't know. When I was a teen, peer pressure just wasn't a thing for me. I knew it wasn't right to drink. The few parties I went to, I went to the kitchen and fixed my own soft drink.  No way was I ever going to be out of control. And I left really early before people got stupid drunk.  Have never understood that. Didn't have sex because I had way too many things to do.  No method of birth control is 100 percent. Not going to give control of my future over to some horny guy.  Just not going to do that. 

But now, I feel lost. And yes, I have told many people this. So many things are such areas of gray. I can see all sides.  I could debate each side. (Always been that way since I was kid.) I am trying to do a Rule of Life....and just about hyperventilated when it said put ages in 3 years.   60.   Like, I should be this mature, wise woman who has figured everything out. I most definitely don't. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

 I am trying to do a Rule of Life....

The Rule of Life is that no one fails the last exam.

 

Honestly, I think you have as much figured out as most people, but are still fighting about it because you don't like it. It's true, a lot of life sucks. A lot of normal sucks. A lot doesn't, too. Oh well, life goes on. Defence mechanisms often cause more problems than the problem we're trying to defend ourselves from.

[heartlikealion]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Because I always want to do the right thing. I don't know. When I was a teen, peer pressure just wasn't a thing for me. I knew it wasn't right to drink. The few parties I went to, I went to the kitchen and fixed my own soft drink.  No way was I ever going to be out of control. And I left really early before people got stupid drunk.  Have never understood that. Didn't have sex because I had way too many things to do.  No method of birth control is 100 percent. Not going to give control of my future over to some horny guy.  Just not going to do that. 

But now, I feel lost. And yes, I have told many people this. So many things are such areas of gray. I can see all sides.  I could debate each side. (Always been that way since I was kid.) I am trying to do a Rule of Life....and just about hyperventilated when it said put ages in 3 years.   60.   Like, I should be this mature, wise woman who has figured everything out. I most definitely don't. 

You’re being too hard on yourself IMO. Besides the spiritual stuff and choir, do you have any activities? Now might be a good time to set up outings with a girlfriend or find a hobby/class. Sorry if I missed that info. 

You might be scrupulous. I’ve been told I am before. Someone offered me a cigarette when I was a teen and I said no. They pushed and I literally said, “what if I like it? Then I get addicted and spend all my money on cigarettes. I’d rather spend it on other stuff.” Lol 

[pinball]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

I don't have strong feelings as a general rule.

I have a grandchild who is SUPER precious. I enjoy him. He's fun. But I don't have the typical grandmotherly feelings. I do all the right things. But as far as my feelings, for him right now, I'd day I am very fond of him. Of course, I'd tear off somebody's face if they ever tried to hurt him, but I don't experience strong emotions as a general rule. 

It takes me anywhere from a few hours to a few days to figure out whether or not I am livid or annoyed with someone. My dh says I have an emotional slip gear. 

It's who I am. And it suits my dh pretty well most of the time because he's very very reactive and he often needs me to look at him and squint and be like "You're going to get bent out of shape about THAT?"  And sometimes, I need to be pushed into doing something because I don't have strong feelings that motivate me. 

So you consider love for your children strong feelings? Because Texas Proud said she doesn’t love her children and now she doesn’t love her husband.

I think that loving your husband and children is kind of a baseline, when the person is married to the husband and then has 3 children with him.

There is a difference between having emotions and being emotional. 

[Catwoman]

10 minutes ago, pinball said:

So you consider love for your children strong feelings? Because Texas Proud said she doesn’t love her children and now she doesn’t love her husband.

I think that loving your husband and children is kind of a baseline, when the person is married to the husband and then has 3 children with him.

There is a difference between having emotions and being emotional. 

I agree with this. I mean, even if you don't love your spouse any more (for whatever reason,) I can't imagine not loving your own children. That is so far beyond the realm of anything I have ever heard or experienced with anyone I know, that I have to admit that I am absolutely shocked. I don't even know how to respond to it.

[pinball]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

I agree with this. I mean, even if you don't love your spouse any more (for whatever reason,) I can't imagine not loving your own children. That is so far beyond the realm of anything I have ever heard or experienced with anyone I know, that I have to admit that I am absolutely shocked. I don't even know how to respond to it.

I know moms who abandoned their children and families but the vast majority of the time it was due to addiction and/or mental illness. But if you asked them, they usually would say they loved their kids

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, pinball said:

I know moms who abandoned their children and families but the vast majority of the time it was due to addiction and/or mental illness. But if you asked them, they usually would say they loved their kids

All I can think is that serious depression may be involved here. @TexasProud -- I know you used to always sound so in love with your dh, and I never got the slightest impression that you didn't love your children. I can't help but wonder if this is depression talking. 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. 😞 

[Rosie_0801]

35 minutes ago, pinball said:

So you consider love for your children strong feelings? Because Texas Proud said she doesn’t love her children and now she doesn’t love her husband.

I think that loving your husband and children is kind of a baseline, when the person is married to the husband and then has 3 children with him.

There is a difference between having emotions and being emotional. 

Texasproud did not say she doesn't love her husband or children, so you are out of line in saying this.

 

Not feeling love does not mean one does not love.

I don't feel love for my brother and I'll bet he doesn't feel love for me either, but we *know* we love one another and we *respond* as though we love one another. 

I have had people tell me they love me, feel that they love me, and treat me like absolute shit. I'm sure that's a common enough experience.

Which model would we prefer to live with? 

 

Texasproud spends a lot of time full to the back teeth with stress. What room is there to feel anything positive if you feel like your soul is being pushed through a cheese grater?

[Rosie_0801]

25 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I agree with this. I mean, even if you don't love your spouse any more (for whatever reason,) I can't imagine not loving your own children. That is so far beyond the realm of anything I have ever heard or experienced with anyone I know, that I have to admit that I am absolutely shocked. I don't even know how to respond to it.

I didn't feel love for my son when he was born, like I did with my daughter. Was I a bad mum or did he just refuse to latch on while I was busy expelling a placenta?

[Terabith]

I love my husband and my children.  But I don't always have gooey feelings towards them.  And honestly, I'm not someone who is immediately flooded with oxytocin and falls deeply madly in love with my babies.  I love them; it's not just duty, but there is definitely an element of duty, especially at first.  Those first days, when you're exhausted and trying to figure out breastfeeding?  There was a LOT of duty in some of those days.  Honestly, we're not all walking Hallmark characters, and I think there are a lot of people walking around who aren't always full of gooey loving feelings.  I grew into my love for my children, and it's not always even, and it's not always even full of great feelings.  But I think I'm a good mother, and I think I have good relationships with both of my children.  

My husband's and my decision to get married was not made on the basis of feelings.  It was made on the basis of a deep friendship, an evaluation that we would be pleasant roommates, that we understood the way each other thought, and that maintaining one household was cheaper than maintaining two.  There was literally a checklist from a sociology textbook on characteristics that made for a good marriage involved.  We have never had strong sexual attraction to each other.  We have never had the crush and flood of emotions that people talk about being in love with.  But we love each other a lot, and quite frankly, after 24 years, I think we have one of the best marriages of people I know.  

Love isn't always about feelings.  I mean, for some people, I think there's more feeling than for other people, but feelings are fickle.  Love is a lot of decisions.  Love is actions.  Love takes time. 

Give yourself some grace.  

[pinball]

I feel like Katy Perry’s eye

[freesia]

7 hours ago, Frances said:

 I agree. I had a simple, uncomplicated, loving relationship with my dad. Before he passed, my parents were able to take one last trip out to see us and I was there for his short time on hospice and stayed with my mom for a few weeks after to help with everything.

I generally only have good memories of him and I don’t get sad or tear up when thinking or talking about him. While I would have liked him to live longer, he didn’t die young or tragically and he lived long enough to see our son become an adult and start college. And we were all relieved to see his suffering end. My FIL, on the other hand, died way too young, and my feelings and emotions around his death are much stronger. So many times since his death my husband and I have longed for his calm insight and wisdom.

Everyone experiences grief differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

I had almost the same experience. My dad died at 77 after a long decline. I never cried really. I’d said good bye along the way. DFIL died at 60 and I cried and cried. I wasn’t closer to him—it was just so young and unexpected. 

[Terabith]

With grief, of COURSE you're relieved.  That's the dirty secret people don't like to admit to when people who required a lot of care die, but feeling primarily relief or even being glad that she's no longer suffering and that the duty is over is very, very, very common.  

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

With grief, of COURSE you're relieved.  That's the dirty secret people don't like to admit to when people who required a lot of care die, but feeling primarily relief or even being glad that she's no longer suffering and that the duty is over is very, very, very common.  

I was also so relieved my mother was done with the care taking, too. She was exhausted. 

[Clarita]

11 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Another thing I told her is that I feel numb as in pretty much don't feel anything. Like everyone is so concerned about my grief. I don't really care that my mother died other than the weight of the responsibility for caring for her is done.  So it actually makes me feel more hopeful.  A woman came up to me at the Bible study, saying she so understood how much she missed her mom...tearing up.  Everyone who has lost their mom tears up talking to me about it.  I, on the other hand, feel like the line from Chorus Line, "And I felt...nothing."

The grief thing as everyone has said is just complicated and very different for everyone. I don't tear up talking about my dad's death or my grandmother's death (everyone listening is in tears but not so much me). I teared up day of my dad's death but it was sudden and unexpected.  Then like 2 years later attending a wedding out of nowhere. Every few years I'll randomly tear up about it; usually when I'm reminded about the things that he missing out on, but never really just talking about it. 

Grandma was more clear cut because I suppose we all cried our tears during the 10 years she was in a coma. She was kind of already gone. 

I had a close friend die somewhat unexpectedly at 16 I cried about that 2 years after he died. 

I had a cat die and I bawled my eyes out for weeks.

Grief is weird and it looks different for every person and every occasion. 

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I've told y'all that before.  Who knows.  Maybe it is a matter of expectation. Maybe magical feelings are a myth.  Several things on different groups when I have said about struggling with my faith, I was told I was completely normal.  That I had handled it really well. 

Actually I'm pretty low on feeling prior to giving birth. After having two kids I finally have these magical feelings and most of the time I'm like "What the %$# is this?!" My husband teases me about it because it's definitely not the gal he married. (I also have them when things don't matter.)

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Not feeling love does not mean one does not love.

I don't feel love for my brother and I'll bet he doesn't feel love for me either, but we *know* we love one another and we *respond* as though we love one another. 

I have had people tell me they love me, feel that they love me, and treat me like absolute shit. I'm sure that's a common enough experience.

Which model would we prefer to live with? 

 

Texasproud spends a lot of time full to the back teeth with stress. What room is there to feel anything positive if you feel like your soul is being pushed through a cheese grater?

Yeah, that is exactly it.  I mean I love them. I tell them I love them many times a day.  Just sent care packages to two of the kids where I baked them some favorite treats, sent stuff, and a letter to each about what I loved about them. I picked out curriculums that best matched each individual kids. Try to be supportive, but not be that helicopter mom ( which they tell me I did really well).  My husband and I talk every single day. I say I love him.  I do things for him. I absolutely do what needs to be done to show love. 

And yeah, I think stress has a lot to do with it. More on that later.

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

 

Love isn't always about feelings.  I mean, for some people, I think there's more feeling than for other people, but feelings are fickle.  Love is a lot of decisions.  Love is actions.  Love takes time. 

 

Yes, that has pretty much been my philosophy. Love isn't a feeling, but an action. Real love is acting lovingly when you don't feel like it.  That said, it would be super nice to actually feel what I think I should feel.  At almost 60, I am tired of duty and doing the right thing and would like to feel love like I did when I was a teenager and in my twenties. It gets really exhausting doing things because you should rather than wanting to.  However, I think Rosie is right.  I am constantly pushing feelings away for a variety of reasons. There is no room for them in all of the stress. There were several times where I almost cried when taking care of mom, but it was a crisis.  I had to shove it down and talk to the ER or doctor or whoever. No time to cry.  Yesterday, when I actually really missed my husband for the first time in a long time and really wanted a hug, I went and found something to distract myself. He won't be back for another week. No sense wasting time and energy missing something I cannot have.  But yeah, that is what I meant by thawing. I am starting to feel glimmers.  I need to feel safe enough to actually feel.  The therapist is going to use a feelings wheel.

But I am not unhappy right now either. This is not a depression where I sit and cry for hours and hours. I have had some great conversations with different friends over the last few weeks. Definitely made me feel more normal as some of the stuff I am going through they are as well.  I had a good time at church tonight and even belly laughed quite a few times, which felt great. I am starting to feel safe.  Just really hope no crisis. My mom was exactly my age when she was diagnosed the first time and so was my grandmother. So yeah, the mammogram coming up in December...will try not to worry/borrow trouble.  But it is hard. How do you actually relax to let yourself feel? And yes, I have said that to her in pretty much every session.  Her suggestion to say "maybe the bad thing will happen" and to say you got through things before you will get through them again just isn't helpful.  I am beyond emotionally and physically exhausted.  I don't think I have the energy for another one.  I just don't. 

I will stick with her.  Thank you for all of the comments on how counseling went for you. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Terabith said:

 

Love isn't always about feelings.  I mean, for some people, I think there's more feeling than for other people, but feelings are fickle.  Love is a lot of decisions.  Love is actions.  Love takes time. 

Give yourself some grace.  

QFT

[Not_a_Number]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, I just gave the grief as an example.  But I don't feel love toward my husband or my children either. I do everything I do because that is what a good mom or good wife does. I took care of mom, not because I wanted to, but because that is what a good daughter does.

I've told y'all that before.  Who knows.  Maybe it is a matter of expectation. Maybe magical feelings are a myth.  Several things on different groups when I have said about struggling with my faith, I was told I was completely normal.  That I had handled it really well. 

Well, if that is normal.  Then normal sucks. 

This makes me worry about you, @TexasProud. It feels like you're pathologizing normal feelings and spiraling. 

 

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

That said, I am starting to thaw.  I actually missed my husband yesterday and longed for him to be home.  I have actually cried about a couple of things lately. By myself...I never cry in front of anyone...I really can't. As I mentioned I actually "felt" grateful and enjoyed singing without anxiety. (Though I am sure if I read the Covid thread again, I would understand I am doing all sorts of reckless stuff according to people on this board as I don't wear a mask and neither does anyone else.  When I can forget about this board, I can actually enjoy that. 

And it always sounds to me like you have far too hard a time forgetting about this board! I've started lots of the COVID nerd threads and we were careful for YEARS, and I've since stopped masking and now we in fact have COVID after flying on a plane. And I'm not sorry! I'm sure there are people judging me, but I know how I feel, and I know what's right for me. And I wish you could get to a place where you knew how you felt, and you knew it felt right for you, too. Even if other people don't get it. 

[Rosie_0801]

28 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

How do you actually relax to let yourself feel? And yes, I have said that to her in pretty much every session.  Her suggestion to say "maybe the bad thing will happen" and to say you got through things before you will get through them again just isn't helpful.

For me, feeling is a right. I've had so much taken away, and feelings are something that are *mine* and they can't take them away. 

She's right, whether it feels helpful or not. The rest of that paragraph, though, needs to be how to prioritise, what is and isn't a crisis, and how and when to tell people you're not going to deal with whatever. The rude sod who told you to work on the devotional while your mum was in hospital? First, not "may I please be excused," but "I'm overwhelmed by mum's hospitalisation, so you'll need to find someone else to do it." If someone is rude enough to argue, "I said no already' and look at them as if they're being rude because they are. Or something along those lines. 

[freesia]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, that is exactly it.  I mean I love them. I tell them I love them many times a day.  Just sent care packages to two of the kids where I baked them some favorite treats, sent stuff, and a letter to each about what I loved about them. I picked out curriculums that best matched each individual kids. Try to be supportive, but not be that helicopter mom ( which they tell me I did really well).  My husband and I talk every single day. I say I love him.  I do things for him. I absolutely do what needs to be done to show love. 

And yeah, I think stress has a lot to do with it. More on that later.

Yes, that has pretty much been my philosophy. Love isn't a feeling, but an action. Real love is acting lovingly when you don't feel like it.  That said, it would be super nice to actually feel what I think I should feel.  At almost 60, I am tired of duty and doing the right thing and would like to feel love like I did when I was a teenager and in my twenties. It gets really exhausting doing things because you should rather than wanting to.  However, I think Rosie is right.  I am constantly pushing feelings away for a variety of reasons. There is no room for them in all of the stress. There were several times where I almost cried when taking care of mom, but it was a crisis.  I had to shove it down and talk to the ER or doctor or whoever. No time to cry.  Yesterday, when I actually really missed my husband for the first time in a long time and really wanted a hug, I went and found something to distract myself. He won't be back for another week. No sense wasting time and energy missing something I cannot have.  But yeah, that is what I meant by thawing. I am starting to feel glimmers.  I need to feel safe enough to actually feel.  The therapist is going to use a feelings wheel.

But I am not unhappy right now either. This is not a depression where I sit and cry for hours and hours. I have had some great conversations with different friends over the last few weeks. Definitely made me feel more normal as some of the stuff I am going through they are as well.  I had a good time at church tonight and even belly laughed quite a few times, which felt great. I am starting to feel safe.  Just really hope no crisis. My mom was exactly my age when she was diagnosed the first time and so was my grandmother. So yeah, the mammogram coming up in December...will try not to worry/borrow trouble.  But it is hard. How do you actually relax to let yourself feel? And yes, I have said that to her in pretty much every session.  Her suggestion to say "maybe the bad thing will happen" and to say you got through things before you will get through them again just isn't helpful.  I am beyond emotionally and physically exhausted.  I don't think I have the energy for another one.  I just don't. 

I will stick with her.  Thank you for all of the comments on how counseling went for you. 

Just so you know, my depression never manifests as crying all day or really at all. I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, numb, on edge and really tired. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to shatter in a million pieces. 
 

Im glad you are feeling glimmers. It’s great you laughed and feel you are beginning to thaw. Something is shifting. Maybe it’s the counseling? Maybe circumstance. I think you should think more about her comment about how you got through before. It is true. Just because you feel like you wouldn’t be able to do another doesn’t make that true. Trust me that I do know exactly how you feel. It was kind of a revolutionary fact to me that just feeling I couldn’t cope with another crises didn’t mean I couldn’t.  You have coped and come out the other end so many times these past few years. 

[TexasProud]

14 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

For me, feeling is a right. I've had so much taken away, and feelings are something that are *mine* and they can't take them away. 

She's right, whether it feels helpful or not. The rest of that paragraph, though, needs to be how to prioritise, what is and isn't a crisis, and how and when to tell people you're not going to deal with whatever. The rude sod who told you to work on the devotional while your mum was in hospital? First, not "may I please be excused," but "I'm overwhelmed by mum's hospitalisation, so you'll need to find someone else to do it." If someone is rude enough to argue, "I said no already' and look at them as if they're being rude because they are.

Well, just to be clear. As I mentioned the projects I did for my internship for my church: they really pitched in and helped me out, but most of that I had done in the summer.  My prof who was over me, it was MY devotional.  As in the one I am getting ready to finally sell. No one else to do it because it was mine.  I guess I could have said, I just won't finish it.  ( I had 25 of the 31 devotions already done at that point.) I just wasn't willing to take how it would have affected my grade.  There was no one to hand it off to.  But for an internship that was only supposed to take 10 hours a week... I had: helped out at Juneteenth and wrote two blogs about it. I hosted two kids for AEP and written a couple of blogs, wrote 20 other blogs about spiritual topics, redone the church bulleting board, went on a mission trip and wrote a blog about it, recruited writers for the advent devotions, edited it, and filmed them. I worked with another couple of staff members to make the videos and one of them created the booklets.  To me, that should have been more than enough.  Oh and I did a sample podcast for my devotion. To me, that with the 25 devotions should have been more than enough for an internship. I spent way more than 10 hours a week, but I LOVED every single thing I was doing and pretty much did most of that by September as we had to be done with internship and uploading stuff in November. So when mom got diagnosed that September, I had most except my devotion already done. But I couldn't hand it off because it was mine to sell later.   But yeah, after all my hard work, I wanted that A. I just was pretty floored she didn't see it as enough because at the very beginning she thought I was pretty ambitious with all of my projects.  But then, 6 months later, I am not sure she remembered who I was and wonder if she even looked at my plan.  But yeah, I don't do conflict. 

Edited October 27, 2022 by TexasProud

[Katy]

If you're feeling glimmers, you are making progress. I would probably give CBT at least 12 sessions before finding a different therapist, unless you find you really just don't click with her.  Is she giving you assignments and confronting false beliefs, or is she just letting you dump?

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Katy said:

If you're feeling glimmers, you are making progress. I would probably give CBT at least 12 sessions before finding a different therapist, unless you find you really just don't click with her.  Is she giving you assignments and confronting false beliefs, or is she just letting you dump?

She lets me dump for 55 minutes and throws an assignment at me in the last minute or two.  She is younger than me by 20 years, which might not matter if she had a stronger personality.  She seems rather timid to me. 

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

She lets me dump for 55 minutes and throws an assignment at me in the last minute or two.  She is younger than me by 20 years, which might not matter if she had a stronger personality.  She seems rather timid to me. 

I mean she could have one of the strongest personalities in the world and still be thinking it's beneficial for you to be able to spend 55 minutes dumping. You've been through a lot and had to deal with a lot. How many times have you had a safe, confidential place to dump without fear?

[Not_a_Number]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

She lets me dump for 55 minutes and throws an assignment at me in the last minute or two.  She is younger than me by 20 years, which might not matter if she had a stronger personality.  She seems rather timid to me. 

You know, I've really come to believe that every single job people do for us depends a LOT on both their ability to do this job and their compatibility with us. 

I don't think people on this board can tell you if you're compatible with this woman. Do you have any ways to get yourself to calm down enough to think about this question seriously and calmly? Because I'd absolutely listen to any good thinking you do yourself over the things we tell you.

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

You know, I've really come to believe that every single job people do for us depends a LOT on both their ability to do this job and their compatibility with us. 

I don't think people on this board can tell you if you're compatible with this woman. Do you have any ways to get yourself to calm down enough to think about this question seriously and calmly? Because I'd absolutely listen to any good thinking you do yourself over the things we tell you.

I guess I am not sure what you mean by calmly.  I am calm. Actually in a good mood right now. Not sure what you are looking for. 🙂

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I guess I am not sure what you mean by calmly.  I am calm. Actually in a good mood right now. Not sure what you are looking for. 🙂

Hmmmm. What do I mean by calmly? I think by calmly I mean that I'm able to free associate without much anxiety. That thoughts float up like bubbles for me without feeling blocks. 

It's a very specific feeling for me. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

Hmmmm. What do I mean by calmly? I think by calmly I mean that I'm able to free associate without much anxiety. That thoughts float up like bubbles for me without feeling blocks. 

It's a very specific feeling for me. 

I don't think I am feeling anxiety.  This is just me. 🙂 

I mean. I think I need to give her more time and see.  We will be traveling after dh gets back, so it will be off and on and not every week, but that is fine. 

I do think some of the glimmers are because I am no longer in crisis mode. I do believe it is very important for me to be with people OTHER THAN MY FAMILY. Part of the reason I feel so much better is that I am back in choir and Wednesday night activities, Sunday worship, and a ladies Bible study. I have also had lunch or some very good phone conversations with two different friends.  One is a friend from seminary and we have a ton in common and yeah, spoke about some of this and she asks really good questions. She is the only friend I ask that truly says how are you REALLY doing. 

As I mentioned before, I LOVE the spiritual director I have chosen.  She is my age. She is realistic, but hopeful.  No toxic positivity there. Really, really like her. She has also asked some super questions.  We talk again tomorrow, and I have some spiritual questions I am wrestling with that I am sure she will help me get some good perspective on.

I mean, I knew this wouldn't get solved in a month.  I get that. I just wasn't sure if her counseling was good or not. I guess I thought a counselor should ask me tough questions, which she doesn't do. 

I am not sure what else you are looking for exactly. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I am not sure what else you are looking for exactly. 

Nothing! That's the thing, I'm not looking for anything!! I'm telling you what works for me to figure out tough questions and encouraging you to trust yourself, that's all. 

But I, personally, don't need a thing. If my input isn't helpful, that's just fine, it mostly isn't!!!! 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

 to trust yourself,

Ah... yeah don't trust myself at all. Never have. probably never will. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Ah... yeah don't trust myself at all. Never have. probably never will. 

I'm really sorry about that. 

Insofar as this board makes you trust yourself less, I think we're bad for you. 

[Melissa Louise]

4 hours ago, pinball said:

So you consider love for your children strong feelings? Because Texas Proud said she doesn’t love her children and now she doesn’t love her husband.

I think that loving your husband and children is kind of a baseline, when the person is married to the husband and then has 3 children with him.

There is a difference between having emotions and being emotional. 

I think behaving lovingly, and feeling love are two different things. 

I know I have a lot of difficulty identifying and feeling emotions, particularly positive ones, and I'd say I'm typically more characterised by their absence. I think there are developmental and neurological reasons for that. 

I still call how I feel towards my kids, 'love', even though I don't often have the warm, open feeling of love.

Because the feeling component is only one part of love as a verb. 

But, also, I go to therapy for that 🙂

It's not ideal. 

 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

I think behaving lovingly, and feeling love are two different things. 

I know I have a lot of difficulty identifying and feeling emotions, particularly positive ones, and I'd say I'm typically more characterised by their absence. I think there are developmental and neurological reasons for that. 

I still call how I feel towards my kids, 'love', even though I don't often have the warm, open feeling of love.

Because the feeling component is only one part of love as a verb. 

But, also, I go to therapy for that 🙂

It's not ideal. 

 

Helpful.  Hugs. 

[Melissa Louise]

29 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

She lets me dump for 55 minutes and throws an assignment at me in the last minute or two.  She is younger than me by 20 years, which might not matter if she had a stronger personality.  She seems rather timid to me. 

She's not any good. Sorry, but if you're paying $, you're wasting it ..unless you WANT to dump for 55 min and then have homework shoved at you. That's not even good CBT. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

I'm really sorry about that. 

Insofar as this board makes you trust yourself less, I think we're bad for you. 

Yeah, I am pretty sure if I told my counselor about this board she would tell me to quit coming here. My husband has. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I am pretty sure if I told my counselor about this board she would tell me to quit coming here. My husband has. 

I gotta say that I agree with them. 

This board winds ME up sometimes, and I'm a really opinionated, confident person. I can imagine that it must wind you up even more 😕 . 

What do you feel you get out of participating here? 

[Not_a_Number]

On the topic of "feeling" love... I've definitely been thinking about the fact that DH gets much more actual joy from spending time with the kids than I do. I don't get that kind of joy. I'm often stressed about them. I'm often anxious. It's hard. 

But to me, the work I do and the help I give them does feel like my version of love. And thankfully, they do seem to feel it as love. (Although I'm glad DH is there to provide the more joyful feeling as well.) 

[Rosie_0801]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I am pretty sure if I told my counselor about this board she would tell me to quit coming here. My husband has. 

And you've told us we're a symptom, not a cause.

[fairfarmhand]

33 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

She lets me dump for 55 minutes and throws an assignment at me in the last minute or two.  She is younger than me by 20 years, which might not matter if she had a stronger personality.  She seems rather timid to me. 

My therapist asks questions along the way. “Why do you think that?” 

What made you feel that way?

what should you have done differently? 

do you really want that? 

you said xyZ tell me more about that.

she notices patterns in problematic thinking and behavior. Challenges me on   Faults in logic, makes me chase down where I’m making assumptions or engaging in self harming thoughts. She really challenges me to question my thoughts and emotions and figure out how I got to where I am. 
she also tells me where I am behaving/feeling/thinking  normally. Which is reassuring. 
she gives me skills to push back against people who may take advantage of me or not understand where I’m coming from. Or if I have people who say things that are unhelpful, helps me figure out ways of navigating that in a loving way

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

My therapist asks questions along the way. “Why do you think that?” 

What made you feel that way?

what should you have done differently? 

do you really want that? 

you said xyZ tell me more about that.

she notices patterns in problematic thinking and behavior. Challenges me on   Faults in logic, makes me chase down where I’m making assumptions or engaging in self harming thoughts. She really challenges me to question my thoughts and emotions and figure out how I got to where I am. 
she also tells me where I am behaving/feeling/thinking  normally. Which is reassuring. 
she gives me skills to push back against people who may take advantage of me or not understand where I’m coming from. Or if I have people who say things that are unhelpful, helps me figure out ways of navigating that in a loving way

That sounds MUCH more helpful than what's being described. 

Mind you, I'd still find it annoying as all get out 🤣.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

I gotta say that I agree with them. 

This board winds ME up sometimes, and I'm a really opinionated, confident person. I can imagine that it must wind you up even more 😕 . 

What do you feel you get out of participating here? 

Well... I would say that prior to 2015, I was super lonely and isolated. I had no one in real life I could talk to. Then I crashed and majorly burned. Honestly, the way I feel now in NO WAY compares to the way I felt then, but then again, I was on an anti-depressant that totally screwed me up. But I started being really honest with my husband. Actually, I think that helped much more than the therapy, to be honest.  I got a job so I was out of the house. I was doing really well.  I had some crisis, but had more of a community and they were much easier to handle.

Then Covid stopped all that.  So again, my husband is gone for 4-6 weeks at a time. I have one kid who stays here for a few weeks at a time since he is now remote because of Covid so that he isn't by himself in his apartment. But I certainly won't talk to him about stuff. In 2021, when I was ready to get back, mom got diagnosed. I don't do well so isolated. I really like to talk with people. And here was the only place I could do it. 

My guess is once hubby gets back on Saturday and I continue to get back into my normal life and out in public on a much more daily basis, I will be here less. But this place is somewhere where I can talk through my crap and you guys often give me good things to think about.  As I travel with my husband and have these other outlets I won't need it as much.  But for me to be all by myself here with no one to talk to when hubby traveled, at least I could talk to someone. 

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

My therapist asks questions along the way. “Why do you think that?” 

What made you feel that way?

what should you have done differently? 

do you really want that? 

you said xyZ tell me more about that.

she notices patterns in problematic thinking and behavior. Challenges me on   Faults in logic, makes me chase down where I’m making assumptions or engaging in self harming thoughts. She really challenges me to question my thoughts and emotions and figure out how I got to where I am. 
she also tells me where I am behaving/feeling/thinking  normally. Which is reassuring. 
she gives me skills to push back against people who may take advantage of me or not understand where I’m coming from. Or if I have people who say things that are unhelpful, helps me figure out ways of navigating that in a loving way

None of the four therapists I have had have done this. I have rambled. What you described is exactly what I thought would happen each time.  Which is why I asked the question about what does counseling look like.  Because yeah, I expected a lot more challenging. 

Edited October 27, 2022 by TexasProud

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

None of the four therapists I have had have done this. I have rambled. What you described is exactly what I thought would happen each time. 

You're allowed to tell them if you want that. You're paying them, not the other way around.

[Not_a_Number]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But I started being really honest with my husband. Actually, I think that helped much more than the therapy, to be honest.  I got a job so I was out of the house. I was doing really well.  I had some crisis, but had more of a community and they were much easier to handle.

For me, getting honest with DH really helped, too. I know just what you mean. 

 

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But for me to be all by myself here with no one to talk to when hubby traveled, at least I could talk to someone. 

That sounds SO lonely 😞 . I can totally see why this board has been helpful. 

I've used it in this way myself.