What advice would you give

[Carrie12345]

If you knew a single mom of two young kids, professional degree, finally working a job that can just about make ends meet, no dependable help, and feeling like their job is hanging by a thread?

In the past few months, she’s dealt with Covid, ear infections, broken bones, stitches, general kid illnesses from school/care, and a kid getting kicked out of care.  In that time, she’s only taken a day or two totally off and worked from home for the rest. Still not the greatest set up with small kids at home. Her employer is on her case about “work/life balance”.

She’s (rightfully) terrified of losing her job, which would quickly mean losing her home. Her skills/training don’t often lend to 9-5 jobs, and she absolutely doesn’t have the support system to take a non-9-5 job.

As a sahm for over 20 years, I have literally nothing to draw on to comfort or advise her.

[TexasProud]

Ok, is she involved in a church? She needs a support system.  I would offer to keep her kids and find some friends to help keep her kids and give her back up.

Some churches have programs to help with that. Also, our church was involved in a program called Family Promise before Covid.  They are changing the way they are doing some of that. But they would be a good resource I would think.  They might be able to advise her. 

https://familypromise.org/

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[Carrie12345]

10 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, is she involved in a church? She needs a support system.  I would offer to keep her kids and find some friends to help keep her kids and give her back up.

Some churches have programs to help with that. Also, our church was involved in a program called Family Promise before Covid.  They are changing the way they are doing some of that. But they would be a good resource I would think.  They might be able to advise her. 

https://familypromise.org/

Nope, not a religious family. 
Her friends all work, too. 
I’m a 12 hour drive away. 
Her summer and after care programs have mostly been community based, low income programs, but her youngest, with some SPD issues, hasn’t been doing so great in them. “Not a good fit”, as one program put it. 
 

She is fairly knowledgeable about what’s available, as there’s some overlap with her professional experience. 

[TexasProud]

She still might reach out to Family Promise and see if they have any resources they can point her to.

[Ann.without.an.e]

This sounds really hard and I’m sorry you have to watch your friend struggle so much. 
I’m like you, I have always been a SAHM so I don’t have any real experience to help.
Does she already work from home or only when she’s sick? I wonder if she could find a job in her field that is fully or mostly remote? 
This is one of those situations where she just needs a little help before she sinks but I have no idea the resources for this. I hope others can help more 😊

[Carrie12345]

2 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

This sounds really hard and I’m sorry you have to watch your friend struggle so much. 
I’m like you, I have always been a SAHM so I don’t have any real experience to help.
Does she already work from home or only when she’s sick? I wonder if she could find a job in her field that is fully or mostly remote? 
This is one of those situations where she just needs a little help before she sinks but I have no idea the resources for this. I hope others can help more 😊

They have a sort of hybrid work schedule that includes lots of zoom, but requires in-person client contact at the office. 
Professional zoom with single digit aged kids is hard, lol. 
 

Her “clients” are at-risk youth, so… yeah. 

[marbel]

I have coworkers who are in similar situations. I was a SAHM for 20+ years so I have a hard time relating to their struggles. I mean, I get that they are struggling, and I feel badly for them, but there is literally nothing I can do or say that would be helpful. 

Sometimes all you can do is offer a listening ear. Since you can't physically can't help her out, there's not much you can do. I suppose you could look up what county/state services might be available to her, Sometimes people who are overwhelmed don't think to do that.  Maybe if her SPD child has a diagnosis, there might be a program that would be a good fit, but she doesn't know how to find it? I'm grasping at straws here, really. I understand the motivation. 

 

[Carrie12345]

14 minutes ago, marbel said:

I'm grasping at straws here, really. 

 

Same.

I am trying to keep things somewhat vague for privacy. But she’s an actual social worker, so I promise she’s got more awareness of what is (or isn’t) available in her area.

[Innisfree]

Could she explore career possibilities in an area where she’d have more support? If she could move, are there people who could offer help?

[BlsdMama]

What makes you think she needs more than empathy and love? Sincere question - not being rude. Likely, there is little you can say dissipates the anxiety because the anxiety is the real result of real scenarios that no amount of wise advice offsets.  Time past chaos, older children, added work experience, and a greater financial cushion will actually relieve her anxiety but you can't help that.  I used to be great at giving advice, but more and more, I realize people didn't necessarily want or need that from me.  Some needed to process out loud, others just wanted to be able to say, "This is hard and scares me," without advice.  Just one thing to consider.

Edited July 26, 2022 by BlsdMama

[Carrie12345]

5 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

What makes you think she needs more than empathy and love? Sincere question - not being rude. Likely, there is little you can say dissipates the anxiety because the anxiety is the real result of real scenarios that no amount of wise advice offsets.  Time past chaos, older children, added work experience, and a greater financial cushion will actually relieve her anxiety but you can't help that.  I used to be great at giving advice, but more and more, I realize people didn't necessarily want or need that from me.  Some needed to process out loud, others just wanted to be able to say, "This is hard and scares me," without advice.  Just one thing to consider.

You’re certainly right that that’s pretty much all I’ve been capable of offering! And I’m not trying to say she’s explicitly *asking for advice. Our relationship has always been heavy on GIVING unsolicited advice, lol, so it feels super awkward to have just about none in this scenario, yk?

7 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

Could she explore career possibilities in an area where she’d have more support? If she could move, are there people who could offer help?

That’s a sticky widget. 
I’ve offered assistance in my area when we’ve been in a position to do so, but wasn’t taken up on it. We’ve moved on to make our own life decisions that reduce our current capabilities.

She is near family, but with their own work schedules and life issues. 

[Scarlett]

I must have missed it but why aren’t they in day care ? No father in the picture?

[SKL]

In addition to getting her resume out there, I think she should try to find someone to help her for an hourly wage.  Preferably 2 or 3 people who can be there when she needs backup.  I know she's tight on cash, but she needs to have someone she can call.

Crazy as it sounds, what about bringing in a housemate who can just be there when she has to go to the office, especially if at odd hours?

Is there any way she can bring her child(ren) to work when she has to go to the office?

[footballmom]

Is she the sole caregiver to her kids during her work hours?

It sounds like she has had child care challenges, but it’s not unreasonable for her employer to need her priority to be work during her core work hours.  If she is the caregiver and working concurrently, she needs to solve that asap.  You can sympathize and validate “that IS hard”, but there’s none of this you can take on with solving / being in the solution.

[footballmom]

Do the kids nap? Do they have quiet time? Are they in school during the school year?

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

In addition to getting her resume out there, I think she should try to find someone to help her for an hourly wage.  Preferably 2 or 3 people who can be there when she needs backup.  I know she's tight on cash, but she needs to have someone she can call.

Crazy as it sounds, what about bringing in a housemate who can just be there when she has to go to the office, especially if at odd hours?

Is there any way she can bring her child(ren) to work when she has to go to the office?

So far, she’s only found people who are, themselves, looking for steady work, at $20/hr.  She makes about $27 when you break it down.  
I did suggest reaching out to the homeschool community.
It’s not an appropriate environment for kids.

2 minutes ago, footballmom said:

Is she the sole caregiver to her kids during her work hours?

It sounds like she has had child care challenges, but it’s not unreasonable for her employer to need her priority to be work during her core work hours.  If she is the caregiver and working concurrently, she needs to solve that asap.  You can sympathize and validate “that IS hard”, but there’s none of this you can take on with solving / being in the solution.

They have school/aftercare and summer camps/programs. Like I said, they’ve had Covid, allergic reactions, a broken bone, an ear infection, stitches, and colds/viruses in just the past 2 months or so. Another round of Covid and the usual things kids do/bring home before that.  Things schools and daycares don’t just handle for parents.

[cintinative]

I'm going to agree about seeking out Family Promise or Interfaith Hospitality Network resources local to her (you don't have to be a person of faith to use these resources). They are vested in keeping people in housing, and I am sure that she is not the first single mom with these challenges. Although I understand your point that she is a social worker, there may yet be some sources of funding and/or assistance she has not been made aware of. That would be my first step if I was in her shoes--call them and say, this is my situation, can you help me develop a plan to stay in housing? 

Other than that, I would also affirm blsdmama's advice that sometimes people don't want you to offer suggestions. Sometimes they just need you to listen and agree with them that things are really hard.  So if her response to the suggestion to get help is "yeah, that's not going to work," all you can do is just sit in the dust with her and weep with her that things are difficult. And that really is okay. You don't have to have all the answers.  Many, many times, there aren't any good ones.  Loving her where she is right now is a form of help, even if it feels sometimes like it isn't "enough." 

[footballmom]

Has she tried getting on Care.com to find someone to step in the gaps? She would just need someone for short periods of time to get through these one offs.  May add pressure to her budget in the short term, but better than job loss.

And I would have a transparent conversation with my manager “this has been a challenging season with juggling kids who can’t go to child care / broken bones (insert whatever challenge).  I have reliable child care in x amount of days or weeks and things will be more predictable then”

[Jean in Newcastle]

At some point she might consider moving to be closer to her support network. It won’t be easy or convenient but it is one reason why people move. 

[fairfarmhand]

It's just HARD to be a single mom of young kids. Probably she just needs someone to listen and encourage her that it won't ALWAYS be this hard. Slowly over the years it will probably get a bit easier here and there. There are no good solutions for these situations.

[fairfarmhand]

The only thoughts I could give would be to offer that she might find a "mother's helper" in the homeschooling community. A preteen who comes over to play with and entertain little ones while she is working at home. She could pay less per hour since she would actually be present but just need someone who can keep the little ones safe and happy but mom would be around for other important stuff. Many people have never heard of such an arrangment. 

[bolt.]

Aside from what has already been mentioned, and plenty of active empathetic listening, there are two things I might suggest in the situation.

One is that I would 'push' a little on the topic of, 'Would they really fire someone right now?' I understand that her employer is communicating some displeasure about her performance. That's okay. That happens. But have her realistically ask herself how replicable she is. Are there other qualified social workers clamoring for her position? My impression is that people are strapped for employees in lots of places. It's also my impression that social work and similar positions often go unfilled in many organizations due to lack of candidates. That puts her employer at a disadvantage, because it may well be that they'd like her to improve... but it might also be true that having her do an adequate-but-not-stellar job is *far* better than having no-one, or having a new trainee or something.

Employees don't often notice that while it takes no effort at all to reprimand an employee and try to get them working harder... it takes a *lot* of effort, expense, and risk to *actually* let someone go, and replace them with someone else. It hardly ever happens. Most employers will cope with a moderately-functional existing employee for a very long time. Much longer than their 'shape up' talks might give the employee the impression that they will.

This perspective might give her some peace. Especially if this is mostly a summer problem. (Are the kids school age?)

The other thing I might do is remind her that it is okay to lie to your employer. While I'm not usually a fan of lies in relationships (dishonestly breaks trust, and broken trust breaks relationships) the foundational 'relationship' with one's employer is a *mercantile* relationship. Trading services for financial compensation is not a person-to-person thing. It's a transaction. And, to me, that means that I don't need to disclose all of my personal life to them... even if they ask. They don't really have a right to ask about my personal life, and if they do, I consider that boundary crossing to be an intrusion. The unjustified intrusion creates an acceptable context for a few self-protective lies. (Your ethics may vary!)

That means instead of sharing her struggles and asking for accommodation, she can shift her narrative to say, "I've got all of that sorted out." And, "It shouldn't be a problem for you any more." Basically, it's time to start prioritizing keeping her job at all costs, which might mean hiding the truth about working and doing her own parenting simultaneously. Employers don't like that, but, they don't actually need to know. The only way they know is if you tell them. And if it is occasionally an issue (the kids are observed) she can say, "My usual childcare plan didn't work out today, but don't worry, this won't happen often."