Here's a new fun one...

[BMW]

My mil says that we will laugh about this later... she says it's actually kind of funny... but I have "issues" with it...

 

Today my 15yob went to visit a friend who is a 14yog. Dh dropped him off and there was a car in their driveway and the girl was with her 1yo brother. Son is visitin, playing with a new bunny and having fun with her and the brother... and the parents weren't home. So, parents drive up and the girl panics. She gets in trouble at the drop of a pin. And I've heard stories about her parents not being very nice (dad put a hole in her wall... mom keeps her in her room except for school when she is on restriction and she is not allowed to come out and eat with the family and just a basic strictness that isn't part of my personal parenting) (and this girls dad has made scenes at school and my daughter was brought in by counselors and asked about possible abuse in their home and the school was close to calling in a report). I doubt that she had permission to have a friend over, let alone a boy. I was gone this afternoon.

 

So, I get a call from 14yodd that this friend is upset over something and it is about 6:30pm. I drive by friend's house, my dd talks with her, I ask where my son is and she says he left for our house a couple minutes ago.

 

Then we are home and I cannot find son. I corner 14yodd and find out that when the parents came home, the girl panicked and told my son to hide in her bedroom... and he is still there in her room hiding and the parents are downstairs and they don't know how to get him home.

 

So, I take 14yodd and we drive over there and I have a choice... do I go knock on the door and tell the parents, "By the way, while you were out, my son stopped by to visit your daughter and he is hiding in her room... Can I take him home, please?" And my dd is asking me to please, please to not tell the parents, but to figure something out.

 

So, I send 14yodd to the door, she tells the mom that she forgot her belt when she was over earlier and needs to get it from her friend. Her mom leaves to another room, they open and shut the door hard and run upstairs, get my son and come down and the mom asks about my son and they say he is walking my dd home... and they both come get in the car and we drive away.

 

So... who's laughing? I felt in a way like we were part of a sitcom.

 

I've talked with the girl, telling her that she is not to ever lie to me. She was very scared. I told her that she can call me anytime, she has my number, that I am here for her to turn to any time she might need help or to talk, but she must never lie to me. I told her that she knows her parents rules and she must obey them to stay out of trouble... meaning, if she knows she isn't to have someone over, then she shouldn't!! We had a serious talk about it. My son has had quite a talking to, which will be continued over a bit of time... he needs to know not to let anybody talk him into doing something wrong... it's a good opening for some great conversations. This is a very, very good 15yob... but he is a male and all...

 

So... what do you think?? Do you think I'm a dunce and should've marched up to the door and blown the whistle?

 

Teens... I have 4 currently, with 5 more coming on, too...

[Carol in Cal.]

Also, personally I don't leave my DD anywhere without at least saying hi to the adult in charge. For me, the car in the driveway would not have been an adequate signal to leave your son. YMMV.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You know I think it worked out for the best. And your MIL is right - it makes a wonderful story and will be very funny later - when the girl is out of that house.

I think that unless your son had lied to you or your dh and told them that the parents were there when they weren't then he shouldn't get into trouble. If the girl had told him (before she panicked) that she really wasn't supposed to have friends over then he should have called your dh to take him home or should have walked home if that is an option. But it's really not clear if he knew that he wasn't "supposed" to be there.

 

With the family history that you've mentioned, I really would not have blown the whistle on the girl. If she was doing something obviously wrong or dangerous then yes. But not in this situation. The fact that the dad had so little self control as to put a hole in a wall is super troublesome to me. That speaks to major anger issues and hints at the propensity for abuse. I hope that he's never hit anything more than the wall.

[joannqn]

You know, normally I would say you shouldn't have gone along with getting him out without her parents knowing but in this case...

 

If there's a chance that there's abuse, even mental/verbal abuse, it might be a good thing that she didn't get into trouble...again. I think you may have proven yourself to her as someone she can come to. She may need that someday. If she does come to you for help, I hope you will hold to your word and be there for her.

[Jenn in Mo]

I would have done the same, I think, but I wouldn't have been comfortable with him being alone with a girl.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I don't know. *I* would have made another choice just because of my feelings about honesty. But I understand your hesitation.

 

However, there is no way my hubby would have left my ds in that situation in the first place. We don't play with fire in terms of male/female relationships, even "just friends."

[elegantlion]

Where is the canned laughter? That does sound like its straight from a sitcom.

 

IDK, I don't think as parents we ever want to intentionally put our dc in harms way. If this parent is a loose cannon you correctly pulled your ds out of a potentially dangerous situation for him and her.

[Tree House Academy]

Oh it totally sounds like something I actually did as a kid. My mom also didn't blow the whistle. Actually, there were LOTS of times my mom didn't blow the whistle.

 

Once I was at a party where we thought we could spend the night. We all got drunk, then the guy's mom told us all we had to go home. Drunk. She told my boyfriend and I to call our parents. Well, my mom was okay with me drinking a bit...especially since she thought I would be staying there. My boyfriend's parents were missionaries and would have died on the spot had their son called them and said, "hey I am drunk and need you to come get me." So we called my mom and told her that I was okay to drive (by this time, I was) and she told the other mom that she was coming to meet us at such and such place and take my bf home. She had no intention of meeting us. I drove us to my house and he spent the night with me. Okay...wait...let's NOT go by my example at all. I had a pretty crazy teen-aged life. LOL But, I lived AND my bf didn't get in trouble, and OMG if my kids ever even try to pull something like that I will freak out!!!!

[Remudamom]

Really? We tell our kids that s#x is for marriage. I don't know what you teach yours, but sending a 15 yr old boy over to "play" with a 14 yr old girl?

 

Go ahead, throw tomatoes, call me old fashioned, call me whatever. I wouldn't have let my sons go over even if I knew 100% the parents were home.

A home already suspected of abuse? Teen aged girl? Angry father?? Anything could have happened to your son.

 

BTW, if your mil thinks it's a funny story, how long do you think it'll take to get back around to the dad?

Edited December 12, 2008 by Remudamom

[KJB]

supposed to be babysitting her little brother. Frankly, she should be in trouble. If her parents were really as awful as you're being told, I bet she wouldn't have risked having your ds in the house alone.

 

I also would want to know how my ds ended up in her bedroom hiding, of all places. Why couldn't he go out the back door, for example.

 

I guess I would just be very uncomfortable with this whole story and I'm afraid I would doubt that my children were being 100% honest. Your daughter began talking with you by lying about ds's whereabouts ("He's walking home"), after all. Was she lying to you because you're so "abusive" she had no other choice or was it to stay out of trouble? Of course, the latter is the answer. Unless you have *first hand* knowledge of abuse, I'd assume the other parent was just strict and the kids don't like it.

 

The stories about the school "almost calling in a report" sound fishy since schools are mandatory reporters. They are supposed to call if abuse is suspected. IOW, if they're calling your dd into the office, I'd think they would also have called a social worker. I can't see the school interviewing anyone except the teen in question and even then social services would most likely be conducting the investigation.

 

I just remember being a teenager and I remember my brothers as teens. We were good people, but what our parents didn't know might have killed them.:lol:

 

On a lighter note, it is a funny story. Your kids put you in a tough spot. I'm sure they appreciate you beyond words and maybe what you might have lost in honesty lessons you made up for in relationship. Just be careful not to sacrifice being the respected mom for being the popular mom, kwim?

 

I'm playing devil's advocate here, btw. I hope this reads as friendly and not critical. You had to make a tough call.

 

(((BMW)))

Edited December 12, 2008 by KJB

[Quiver0f10]

supposed to be babysitting her little brother. Frankly, she should be in trouble. If her parents were really as awful as your being told, I bet she wouldn't have risked having your ds in the house alone.

 

I also would want to know how my ds ended up in her bedroom hiding, of all places. Why couldn't he go out the back door, for example.

 

I guess I would just be very uncomfortable with this whole story and I'm afraid I would doubt that my children were being 100% honest. Your daughter began talking with you by lying about ds's whereabouts ("He's walking home"), after all. Was she lying to you because you're so "abusive" she had no other choice or was it to stay out of trouble? Of course, the latter is the answer. Unless you have *first hand* knowledge of abuse, I'd assume the other parent was just strict and the kids don't like it.

 

The stories about the school "almost calling in a report" sound fishy since schools are mandatory reporters. They are supposed to call if abuse is suspected. IOW, if they're calling your dd into the office, I'd think they would also have called a social worker. I can't see the school interviewing anyone except the teen in question and even then social services would most likely be conducting the investigation.

 

I just remember being a teenager and I remember my brothers as teens. We were good people, but what our parents didn't know might have killed them.:lol:

 

On a lighter note, it is a funny story. Your kids put you in a tough spot. I'm sure they appreciate you beyond words and maybe what you might have lost in honesty lessons you made up for in relationship. Just be careful not to sacrifice being the respected mom for being the popular mom, kwim?

 

I'm playing devil's advocate here, btw. I hope this reads as friendly and not critical. You had to make a tough call.

 

(((BMW)))

 

 

:iagree: I was trying to type a reply and couldn't word it right. Well said.

[Melinda in VT]

Really? We tell our kids that s#x is for marriage. I don't know what you teach yours, but sending a 15 yr old boy over to "play" with a 14 yr old girl?

 

Go ahead, throw tomatoes, call me old fashioned, call me whatever. I wouldn't have let my sons go over even if I knew 100% the parents were home.

A home already suspected of abuse? Teen aged girl? Angry father?? Anything could have happened to your son.

 

BTW, if your mil thinks it's a funny story, how long do you think it'll take to get back around to the dad?

 

I teach my kids sex is for marriage too.

 

I also teach them that men and women can interact in a variety of ways, most of them non-sexual.

 

I actually think b/g socializing in the house with parents present is a good thing at those ages. Lots of opportunities for parents to observe and interact and discuss with their child later. Chances for kids to develop friendships with members of the opposite sex in a safe environment.

 

(Now, there are several red flags in this particular case, but in general, I don't see anything wrong with it.)

[Remudamom]

I teach my kids sex is for marriage too.

 

I also teach them that men and women can interact in a variety of ways, most of them non-sexual.

 

I actually think b/g socializing in the house with parents present is a good thing at those ages. Lots of opportunities for parents to observe and interact and discuss with their child later. Chances for kids to develop friendships with members of the opposite sex in a safe environment.

 

(Now, there are several red flags in this particular case, but in general, I don't see anything wrong with it.)

 

But this was not the case here. These are teens, not adults. And it wasn't verified that the parents were home.

 

But that aside, I just wouldn't put my son in a situation with an explosive father. I'd be too concerned that he would flip out over something and my son would be the target. And I agree with KJB. The whole thing stinks. Something not right there.

[Remudamom]

Yeah, she probably handled it in the safest way. Getting her son out safely was the most important thing to do.

Still, mine would be in trouble at the very least for not having enough sense to head out the back door.

[elegantlion]

Mine too! Isn't this why we teach them logic? :D

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[beansprouts]

I know I will eventually be raising teens, and I am praying for wisdom and discernment even now. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think your dc's story demands further investigation. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

I know I will eventually be raising teens, and I am praying for wisdom and discernment even now. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think your dc's story demands further investigation. :grouphug:

 

Yep, hiding in the bedroom isn't convenient unless you're already in there.

[BMW]

Okay, a bit of clarification...

 

My daughter never lied to me... nope. She was home babysitting for me, I was out all afternoon/early evening. I took her over and the other girl lied to me. Then she told my daughter what was going on. My daughter told me. We went over and figured out what to do next.

 

Nope, my son shouldn't have been there, Yep, we are tightening up the rules.

 

My son was playing with the 1yob when the parents arrived, so he says. Could he lie, yeah. Is he? Don't know, but I believe him. I DO know that this boy is characterized by great attitudes, obedience, responsibility and he is very honoring to us as parents.

 

So, rules will be tightened up a bit.

 

And... the counselor called my daughter in to the office and asked her several questions about this girl and her family because they were looking for more information to see if they had cause to call in a report... there is no known physical harm, but there is witnessed scenes of anger and yelling, even at the school itself. There are some red flags. But not enough information to warrant the school calling in.

[Nicole M]

Okay, a bit of clarification...

 

My daughter never lied to me... nope. She was home babysitting for me, I was out all afternoon/early evening. I took her over and the other girl lied to me. Then she told my daughter what was going on. My daughter told me. We went over and figured out what to do next.

 

Nope, my son shouldn't have been there, Yep, we are tightening up the rules.

 

My son was playing with the 1yob when the parents arrived, so he says. Could he lie, yeah. Is he? Don't know, but I believe him. I DO know that this boy is characterized by great attitudes, obedience, responsibility and he is very honoring to us as parents.

 

So, rules will be tightened up a bit.

 

And... the counselor called my daughter in to the office and asked her several questions about this girl and her family because they were looking for more information to see if they had cause to call in a report... there is no known physical harm, but there is witnessed scenes of anger and yelling, even at the school itself. There are some red flags. But not enough information to warrant the school calling in.

 

I think you did the right thing and I'm sorry this all happened. If it were me, I'd invite the girl over to my house, and limit my children's time at her place, even (or especially) when parents were present.

 

And, fwiw, I think the chances that teens would be getting into mischief with a babe in the house are pretty slim. And at 15, my son was more interested in blowing up army guys with fire crackers than messing around with girls. Just sayin'.

[Remudamom]

I'm sure it feels like it, but we're not really picking on you or doubting your son's word. Just picking apart a situation, and maybe forgetting that one of our moms is involved. For my part, I've got four this age, and it just makes me think outloud.

[beansprouts]

Okay, a bit of clarification...

 

My daughter never lied to me... nope. She was home babysitting for me, I was out all afternoon/early evening. I took her over and the other girl lied to me. Then she told my daughter what was going on. My daughter told me. We went over and figured out what to do next.

 

 

I misunderstood. I thought your dd was on the scene at the time this all occurred.

 

This does sounds like a very difficult arrangement to try to sort through. I don't envy the task of trying to figure out what actually happened. I can't get over the feeling that it sounds like the kind of thing I would have done back in the day...

 

I also still wonder whether it was a good example for your children to help your ds sneak out of the house. Then again if there is abuse involved, I can understand you wanting to spare the poor girl more pain.

 

I just don't know. So, I default to assuming other parents know their own children better than I do.

 

It doesn't matter now anyways, what is done is done, and it sounds like you are doing a fine job of parenting your children in the aftermath, and trying to prevent similar events in the future. :grouphug:

Edited December 12, 2008 by beansprouts

[KJB]

I'm sorry if I opened a can of worms.

 

Parenting is a tough gig.

 

Another hug for you.

 

((BMW))

[Nicole M]

Totally OT but I just wanted to say..... my step-son was 1 yo when dh and I got engaged. I will just say that plenty of things I don't want my teens doing can occur with a toddler around.

 

Heh, heh... But you were grown ups, right?

 

And, gosh, in the case of the OP, her son is a guy who is being raised with lots of sibs, and unabashedly said his was playing with the 1yo. It seemed like in this situation, the presence of the baby was, you know, keeping it real. I'm not expressing myself well, but my point was just that I would be inclined not to be suspicious of sexual exploration or mischief in the situation as it was described.

[BMW]

You know, I turned to you all so that you COULD pick apart the situation.;)

 

I am an excellent toddler mom... a great baby mom... one heck of a 1st grade teacher... I can do well with my 10 yr. olds... But, I just go blank when it comes to this teen thing... I tend to err on the permissive side, thus the need to tighten things up... I tend to trust my children until they blow it, rather than contain and control a lot of experiences...

 

Good job, friends!

 

Now all my teens are glaring at me because I said we were taking a break from friends and visits for a while and focus on family relationships and the holidays... Isn't this just fun??

[BMW]

Oh! About the mil laughing about it and possibly telling the parents...

 

Nope. Wont happen. She lives 100 miles away and I call her often because she is full of wisdom and common sense. She could see the humor in the situation... I do, too... but I also see the red flags and the need to teach about do's and don't's, etc.

 

Thanks again!

 

Bee

[WyoSylvia]

OP - thanks for posting this experience. My ds is only five but I personally hate on-the-job-training so I've learned a lot from the "picking apart."

 

Sylvia

[yslek]

If her parents were really as awful as you're being told, I bet she wouldn't have risked having your ds in the house alone.

)

 

I don't know about that one. Growing up, it seemed like the people I knew who were most likely to do sneaky things they shouldn't were the ones with strict, explosive parents.

 

This brought back a memory of mine, though. When I was in Jr. High, my cousin (who is my age) and her family lived with us while my uncle was looking for a job and a house. We used to go for walks around the neighborhood, which somehow ended up with us visiting one of our (male) classmates and playing Monopoly with him & one of his (male) friends. Sometimes his parents were home, sometimes not. Looking back, I have no idea if my parents knew about this. :001_huh:

 

In our defense, it really was innocent; all we ever did was play Monopoly, and then go home again. Still, as a parent the thought of my dc doing someting similar is terrifying.:eek:

 

Back to the OP's comments, hopefully this sort of thing won't happen again. :tongue_smilie:

[JudoMom]

But this was not the case here. These are teens, not adults. And it wasn't verified that the parents were home.

 

But that aside, I just wouldn't put my son in a situation with an explosive father. I'd be too concerned that he would flip out over something and my son would be the target. And I agree with KJB. The whole thing stinks. Something not right there.

 

I agree.

 

I don't see the humor in this anywhere, at all.

 

Also, maybe the parents are so strict because they know their daughter lies and has friends (including boys) over without permission when they aren't home. It doesn't necessarily equal abuse. But if you think the parents are abusive I don't understand why you'd let your kids go over there to begin with.

[BMW]

Of course we're going to see it differently...

 

I've spent time with this girl. I drive her and my daughter around. One night I brought them home and we first drove by my house and she called her father (immediately) who said that I should have driven by her house first and that now she was not allowed to accept a ride home from me and that my daughter was not allwoed to walk her home. It was dark and she lives 4 blocks away. So, I walked her home personally, since she wasn't allowed to have a ride and all... I am glad that I spoke with her about this and let her know that she can always talk to me and call any time. She might not make the best decisions and I know she has been raised differently than my own, but she is a person in our lives now and we're (hopefully) going to show her another way... Perhaps this will help her to make better choices... Maybe... maybe not...

 

As mentioned, rules are tightening up a bit around this situation... we'll avoid our kids going over there for visits and host her at our home.

[StaceyinLA]

unless I have a reason to distrust. Sometimes that has caused problems, but, most of the time it's been fine.

 

I think it was handle okay considering the situation, and I think you did right by talking to the girl. She probably has a new respect for you and will consider your discussion with her before making future (bad) choices. Aside from that, if she is a product of overbearing, abusive parents, sneaking around is possibly the only way she has to do anything at all. I'm not saying kids SHOULD disobey, but super-strict, hard-nosed parents with abusive tendancies do DRIVE them to do so.

 

Anyway, you've been in an uncomfortable spot, but you have kids you trust and they were honest with you in the situation. I'm sure tightening the reins can't hurt, but keeping open communication with your children is SO important during the teen years, and this can't do anything but help that.

[AnnetteB]

It sounds like it all worked out and someday it might be funny. One thought comes to mind that hasn't been mentioned. A young man needs to be protected/warned about "rescuing a damsel in distress, lest he end up married to a distressed damsel." If this young girl is living in an abusive home your happy trusting family could be very appealing to her. I hope that an adult could check in with her to make sure she wasn't found out by her father and suffering from this misadventure. My own mother lived in a similar home environment...banished to her room, etc. I hope this comes across as helpful.

[camibami]

I think you did the right thing, myself. Though I would not be letting either of my children (the girl or boy) spend a lot of time over there in the future- bring the girl to your house.

[Kathy in MD]

Because of the father's reputation and your experience with him, I think you did the right thing. I also agree with the posters who would be hesitant to allow either of your children there, expecially if the father is around.

 

But when you tighten the rules for your children, try to avoid stress that you fear that hormones might get out of control. By doing so, you're focusing their attention where you don't want it to go at this stage. You're also indirectly discouraging healthy friendships with member of the opposite sex. And I personally know that these friendships are possible and are healthy. I've had several including my best friend in college.

 

Another poster mentioned the dangers of overly strict parents. I echo her observations. Where I grew up, the church that made a big deal about separating the sexes, banning dancing and just in general making a big todo about what "might" happen had a high proportion of shotgun weddings, often followed by divorce within a few years. They made the opposite sex and "illicit" behavoir too intriguing. But my church encouraged teens to play football together, do missions together and even offered co-ed s*x education classes. We had only one kid who had to get married, and that marriage lasted.

 

A general note for the posters who questioned where the boy was sent to hide. He may have been sent to the "best" hiding spot. He may have been in the living room, but had to cut across the picture window to reach the back door and been visable to anyone driving up. Some backdoors are through the garage, or they're actually side doors and are visable from the drive. Alternatively, some garages have side or rear doors.

[kalanamak]

 

So... what do you think?? Do you think I'm a dunce and should've marched up to the door and blown the whistle?

 

 

I think you and the kids were clever. My mother (a very staunch rule-follower) did a few double twists being understanding to kids whose homelife wasn't great, and I really appreciated it (once the policeman husband of our home ec teacher brought over a girl for the night so dad could sober up, e.g.). I bet your son really learned a lesson!

 

Just today I thought about the teen my mother gave money to to run away from his abusive home. His older brother was in "reform school", his younger brother committed suicide, his two sisters were busy getting pregnant. My friend was a "hood" but a really good chess player and bright. My mother trusted him, and gave him money to run away. I bumped into him some years later and he was in college studying to be a parole officer. I think he was the only kid in that family of 5 who turned out to be a productive member of society, and I really felt a warmth towards my mum for helping him.

[Harriet Vane]

If her parents were really as awful as you're being told, I bet she wouldn't have risked having your ds in the house alone.

Not necessarily. Kids who live in unhappy families want to be normal and want to spend time with their friends just like everyone else. Personal experience both in my life and in the lives of some dear friends contradicts this statement.

 

 

 

The stories about the school "almost calling in a report" sound fishy since schools are mandatory reporters. They are supposed to call if abuse is suspected. IOW, if they're calling your dd into the office, I'd think they would also have called a social worker. I can't see the school interviewing anyone except the teen in question and even then social services would most likely be conducting the investigation.

Extensive personal experience with many, many mandated reporters over many years says otherwise. Unfortunately it is the NORM for most mandated reporters to try to do a little investigating on their own, and mandated reporters make poor judgment calls all. the. time. Look at the terrible scandals racking the Catholic church about abusive priests. Unfortunately such behavior is not confined to that sect--it is common everywhere. I have been in the position more than once of having to remind a mandated reporter that yes, they are truly mandated, and both morally and legally should call.

 

 

 

(((BMW)))

 

Unfortunately unhappy families do exist and I have observed the community dynamics BMW has witnessed many, many times. This type of dynamic, where everyone knows but no-one can do much, is all too common. It may be that the parents are mean but have not crossed the line into criminal abuse, or it may be that they are criminally abusive but have trained the entire family to hide what is going on.