Minimalist moms.....my least favourite time of year is coming.

[alysee]

I can feel that familiar tightness in my chest as it's almost Christmas(and then we go into birthday season). How do you keep control of the stuff that always comes with the season?

My parents always give us a family pass to an attraction(aquarium/zoo/art gallery/museum) and usually my parents gift my individual kids pjs, a toy and a book series. My inlaws usually don't listen to me and we are gifted with tons of toys. Usually we purge before christmas but is there anything else we can do? Anyone else in this situation where they never lisyen to us and we end up donating tons of stuff each November and January.

[maize]

Just view it as being gifted the experience of unwrapping the toys, playing with them for a few days, and passing them on for someone else to enjoy.

Edited October 16, 2021 by maize

[LifeLovePassion]

If they are open to suggestions, see if they will buy consumable art/craft items. That way the kids can just use up the materials and there will be less clutter. 

 

[TexasProud]

Yes, I had this battle with my in-laws. They won. Just look at it as being able to donate good toys to less fortunate children.  

[Arcadia]

My side of the family is good at following wish lists or they give me cash to do the purchasing. My husband’s side just buy or regift whatever suits their whims after asking what our kids would like to have 🤦‍♀️ We just put away and regift. 

[MercyA]

What do the kids think about it? Do they enjoy the toys?

[marbel]

My in-laws used to give our kids too many toys of the types that my kids did not care for. The kids appreciated getting the gifts and the fun of opening them. Then reality set in that the stuff wasn't really all that great. It was put away and after an interval when no one missed it, we gave it away.

Overall, the period in which grandparents lavish toys on kids is pretty short. My husband was never able to stop his parents from overloading our kids with stuff when they were little, but by age 12 or so they toned it down and moved to clothing, which if nothing else is useful and/or easier to donate.

I'd err on the side of maintaining good will with the grandparents. But I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws (the only living grandparents) and I envy those who do. If allowing them to do what they want with regard to gifts for the kids helps the relationship, I would let it go. 

Edited October 17, 2021 by marbel

[Clarita]

You may have to just deal with it. When I had the talk with the grandparents about Christmas presents I presented my case for less to no presents as I want the children to value and look forward to spending time with you and not just your gifts. 

[Miguelsmom]

We always had a 5 toy rule. Ever year he made a list of 10 things that he would like and a star next to the one thing that would make his holiday. Those are the things we try to get. If it's a big thing we go into it as a group gift with my husband's family. My family on the other hand doesn't listen. I give them the "set" of thing or the most costly thing. Now he can't even come up with a list of 5 things. Right after Christmas we'd go through his things and do this or that game and give the gifts away. As he got older he asked for experiences.   (Ie. karate lessons, movie tickets, game passes, restaurant gift cards.), Sets (lego, book series), and asking for more expensive things (graphics pad, computer, game system, phone) or subscriptions to thing (game pass, audible, adobe creative cloud.) It took a little while for family to get use to wrapping big empty boxes especially because other family did not have those rules. So it looked like to others he was getting less but everyone got use to it. My parents eventually put a price on how much to give each child. So my son would get the same amount as the other kids but his would just be one thing. They ended up being creative in their wrapping.

I would ask for something like a kindle with kindle unlimited or getepic if you have readers. That way there's something to wrap but it's small and impressive.

[HomeAgain]

That's such a hard situation!

We are actually put into a good position where the only consistent gifts come from dh and I, so the house tends to get "same-same" things that we do every year.  But the years we have done Christmas with inlaws has been more difficult. 

Can you have a blunt conversation with them?  It's hard, but coming from the perspective that gifts can be a burden may help them scale back or focus on consumable things.

 

[*****]

18 hours ago, alysee said:

I can feel that familiar tightness in my chest as it's almost Christmas(and then we go into birthday season). How do you keep control of the stuff that always comes with the season?

I know the feeling, I feel for ya.  I used to have a dear neighbor who loved to yard sale and she would bring my kids BAGS of stuff, so it was like Christmas several times over during the year. I spoke up finally to please cut back, and the look on her face was just sad. There was a cooling off period where we didn't visit as much, but it started up again when we would visit. It made her feel good, I get it, but I would literally end up donating the stuff. By then the kids were old enough to not fuss about it, but it still frustrated me that I had to then contend with it all. 

And with shipping shortages now I wish society would see this as a good thing. That Christmas doesn't have to mean the 1 time during the year that everything goes on sale and we have to purchase it at this time in history.   It really isn't what Christmas is supposed to be all about. I mean, the pandemic caused a shift in the way we school, new ways to work, work from home rather than the office...so why can't society realize we can do Christmas differently as well...go minimalistic..

[alysee]

7 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

That's such a hard situation!

We are actually put into a good position where the only consistent gifts come from dh and I, so the house tends to get "same-same" things that we do every year.  But the years we have done Christmas with inlaws has been more difficult. 

Can you have a blunt conversation with them?  It's hard, but coming from the perspective that gifts can be a burden may help them scale back or focus on consumable things.

 

We have the talk every other year and it just seems to go in one ear and out the other. It's just such a waste. 

[73349]

Would they be open to a wish list, and then it could include stuff like gift cards toward experiences (to go rock climbing, kayaking, ziplining, skating, etc.)? Or for "stuff," kids' magazine subscription, a cocoa and cookie-baking kit, or other gifts that will get used and then stop taking up space?

I do worse with the need to give people gifts--already feeling stressed about what to do this year. I wish we could all just donate to charity.

[marbel]

3 hours ago, ***** said:

so why can't society realize we can do Christmas differently as well...go minimalistic..

But not everyone wants to go minimalistic, particularly where gift-giving is concerned. 

I mean, I kinda would like to be a minimalist, and actually am in some ways, but not everyone does/is. Lots of people really really LOVE buying lots of gifts for people. (And lots of people enjoy having things, or certain things.) Not everyone is looking for a way to do things differently, right? 

It took me a few years but I realized that my mother-in-law really loves gift-giving. She sends us so much stuff every year for Christmas. She and my FIL enjoy shopping and truly believe we will love the stuff they send. It brings them some happiness. They are not going to suddenly wake up and become minimalists. 😄

[busymama7]

We buy almost nothing except thifted clothes and new shoes and very rarely new clothes for our kids during the year.  Christmas and their birthday is literally the only time they get wanted items.   Sometimes I feel judged by people who think Christmas is too commercial but it is the only way our kids get things they want.   We have never had extra money available for just spending on toys or interests.   Honestly it's the same for me. I don't spend money on myself for things I want so Christmas is the time when I can gratefully receive some things. 

[mathnerd]

One set of grandparents are too old to shop and give me cash to buy toys that my kid likes. He usually does not want anything because we don’t wait for Christmas to buy anything important and buy whenever we need it. So, I deposit the cash in his savings account for him.

another one just buys random stuff- I ask for those gifts before Christmas and drop them off unopened at my local fire station which hosts a Christmas Wish Tree for poor and homeless kids. There is no room in my small house to keep plastic toys that nobody even notices, let alone play with.

[*****]

1 hour ago, busymama7 said:

Sometimes I feel judged by people who think Christmas is too commercial but it is the only way our kids get things they want. 

Thanks for explaining, I can understand this. I guess the idea of commercialism at Christmas can apply to some but not others.  Some just go all out, even though they have everything it seems already. 

1 hour ago, marbel said:

Lots of people really really LOVE buying lots of gifts for people.

I get this, just like my neighbor that I gave an example of. But wish they could understand the stress it causes some, specifically those asking them not to go all out.  I was the one who always had to find a 'home' for all these toys, etc. , within our home, or had to initiate cleaning out the other toys to make room, and then haul it away. It can be so exhausting and tiresome year after year.  And then you get to dreading this holiday. It is a real reaction for some. 

Alysee, do your in-laws live nearby?  Maybe the toys can be 'special' ones that can be kept at their house for when your family visits. Just thinking of ideas to help with your stress.  As kids, we always enjoyed our toys that were kept at grandma's.

[marbel]

43 minutes ago, ***** said:

Thanks for explaining, I can understand this. I guess the idea of commercialism at Christmas can apply to some but not others.  Some just go all out, even though they have everything it seems already. 

I didn't mean to be snarky, if it seemed that way. I just read your post as... why wouldn't everyone like to be minimalist? 

I don't know. I don't mean to be dismissive of the problem. Just looking back, it was a short time of life of getting lots of useless gifts.  Of course I have only two kids, and close together in age; it would be a longer time of life for someone with more and more spread out.  I'm sorry if I seemed nasty,  though, I didn't mean to be. 

ETA: I remember seeing my sister give her kids a TON of stuff at Christmas; she went all out and it was a bit sickening to me, watching them tear madly through packages. I vowed that I would not do that with my own kids, and I didn't. But when the in-laws did it... I don't know, it didn't bother me the way seeing a parent do it bothered me. I guess because overall the parents are the bigger influence?

Edited October 17, 2021 by marbel

[*****]

Thanks Marbel,  I guess I should have been more careful about the word 'minimalist'.  I didn't mean that we should ALL go to that extreme for Christmas, but to be ok with getting less at Christmas.  The commercialism of it all does get to me.  The times we went to Christmas on my husband's side, the amount of gifts for the kids to me was almost embarrassing. Exciting to a kid, but they didn't really need all of it. 

In general my family has a hard time letting go of things, so when more thing came in to the house it was 1 more thing to find a place for.  Yes we even did a birthday party or 2 of no gifts please, except something for the animal shelter. My kids are grown so I am working on getting rid of homeschool papers, books, etc. and things from years ago that I never had time to deal with before. We have a lot of good memories with projects, etc., so it is not easy to just chuck it (but I am getting there.)  I was agreeing with OP that yes, I understood her feelings. Been there and done that and donating many things for sure. I am still donating, so I guess this topic hit a note with me tonight.  (Really though, if someone were asked to tone gift giving down more than once, they really should ask for advice from the parents of what they feel could be needed by the family. The gift they give could create just as much excitement as a load of things. 

[Slache]

Pre Christmas clean out (we actually did that last week-4 bags to the garbage).

We go through packages as they come.  I set boundaries (one gift per kid, no batteries, no screens, no dollar store) and anything that breaks those boundaries gets tossed. Exceptions include unlimited books, clothing and food items.

We choose quality. We have 4 kids so there are a lot of gifts under the tree either way. Stocking are unusual snacks.

[alysee]

13 hours ago, Carolina Wren said:

Would they be open to a wish list, and then it could include stuff like gift cards toward experiences (to go rock climbing, kayaking, ziplining, skating, etc.)? Or for "stuff," kids' magazine subscription, a cocoa and cookie-baking kit, or other gifts that will get used and then stop taking up space?

I do worse with the need to give people gifts--already feeling stressed about what to do this year. I wish we could all just donate to charity.

They never even ask what the kids want. They just give then what they think they want. It's infuriating since most of the times they are wrong. 

[alysee]

10 hours ago, ***** said:

Thanks for explaining, I can understand this. I guess the idea of commercialism at Christmas can apply to some but not others.  Some just go all out, even though they have everything it seems already. 

I get this, just like my neighbor that I gave an example of. But wish they could understand the stress it causes some, specifically those asking them not to go all out.  I was the one who always had to find a 'home' for all these toys, etc. , within our home, or had to initiate cleaning out the other toys to make room, and then haul it away. It can be so exhausting and tiresome year after year.  And then you get to dreading this holiday. It is a real reaction for some. 

Alysee, do your in-laws live nearby?  Maybe the toys can be 'special' ones that can be kept at their house for when your family visits. Just thinking of ideas to help with your stress.  As kids, we always enjoyed our toys that were kept at grandma's.

They do live nearby. We have definitely put the special toys at their place that I didn't want in our house. 😆

[Beth S]

Especially as our kids aged (which is, you know, inevitable), the grandparents realized that Wish Lists were helpful.
Honestly, we felt this frustration for years, but now both sets of grandparents are in declining health.
It has been sad, esp. the first year that we realized they totally forgot about gift-giving.

We did, indeed, ask that the big LIttle Tykes Cozy Coupe be kept at my parents' house.
They said:  "But we bought it on sale!?!"

But now that I'm a grandparent, I can see the fun in buying for grandkids . . . at a time in life when I really don't need to buy much for myself.

What we've done is gift the grandkid a "heritage item," like the doll bed my dh made with our dd, and then made matching fleece blankets for the doll & dgd.

Hoping you can come up with (at least) an internal compromise, to preserve the relationships and fond memories when you gather together for Christmas.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Beth S

[Slache]

4 hours ago, alysee said:

They never even ask what the kids want. They just give then what they think they want. It's infuriating since most of the times they are wrong. 

This makes me crazy. And then I always get blamed because I don't encourage them to play with the right toys. I'm not going to manipulate my children into doing things they don't want to do to make someone else feel better.