Need your opinion on a gift for stuffy relatives

[Harriet Vane]

Hi folks,

 

I have a couple of relatives for whom I am honor-bound to buy a gift. I don't know them well and have used up a lot of great gift ideas. In the past I have gotten them wine, champagne, Penzey's Spices, coffee, Great Harvest bread, fruit basket, nut and cheese basket, crystal knick-knacks, picture frames, Omaha steaks, and a basket of mixed fatwood and pine cones and kindling.

 

This year I was thinking of sending them a little something from Todd and Holland. It's a fine tea shop near me, and lots of fun to visit and enjoy free samples of fancy tea.

 

I have no idea if these people drink tea or not. One couple are elderly, rich, stuffy. The other is a middle-aged single woman, eccentric (that's putting it mildly!), kind of a hippie though not in a good way. I feel fairly certain the single woman would think the tea a nice adventure. I'm not sure about the other couple.

 

I was thinking of one of these gift baskets or perhaps a gift basket with one performance tea (flowers that unfurl while steeping).

 

http://www.todd-holland.com/TeaCart/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=155

 

http://www.todd-holland.com/TeaCart/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=161

 

http://www.todd-holland.com/TeaCart/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=144

 

Performance tea:

 

http://www.todd-holland.com/TeaCart/pc/showsearchresults.asp?pageStyle=P&resultCnt=10&keyword=Performance+Tea&submit.x=0&submit.y=0

 

Please vote:

 

Option 1--A generic, safe gift basket, not too exotic.

 

Option 2--A weird gift basket of exotic tea

 

Option 3--Performance tea gift basket

 

Option 4--A generic, safe gift basket, not too exotic, with one performance tea thrown in for fun

 

Option 5--A weird gift basket of exotic tea with one performance tea thrown in for fun

 

Option 6--Strider, you're overthinking this. You don't even like these people. Just order your gratuitous gift and be done with it.

 

Thanks.

[stripe]

The term "performance tea" sort of scares me, I must confess. How about a plant?

[Garga]

Option 6.

 

Sometimes it's best to think like a man. What would a man do? Get the easiest gift and cross their names off the list until next year. Done.

[abbeyej]

Option 4 or 5 with a healthy dose of 6 thrown in! :) Really, just pick something and send it. I like the idea of throwing in at least one flowering tea though -- if they haven't seen them, they really can be fun to watch.

[Tap]

Option 4. Go safe because not all tea drinkers like flavored teas but tea drinkers who like flavored teas will often like plain. The performance teas are pretty, good tasting but not great. They are about the performance not the brew. Even if they are not tea drinkers themselves, maybe they have guests who are, and they will enjoy offering them something nice. Most people who are not tea drinkers, don't have nice teas laying around for guests, so that will still be a nice present.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Option 1 - why waste a performance on people you don't really know!

[JFSinIL]

Do you HAVE to buy them a gift? I imagine they are the sort of folks who have everything and do not NEED anything from you except maybe a chatty annual letter/photo???

[Harriet Vane]

Do you HAVE to buy them a gift? I imagine they are the sort of folks who have everything and do not NEED anything from you except maybe a chatty annual letter/photo???

 

I wish.

 

I have to interact with these relatives here and there to discuss my grandmother's care (these relatives are directly involved in that financially). They also consider me a source of information about my aunt's health. We talk only infrequently, but it's important to maintain as diplomatic and friendly a relationship as possible. If they were not involved so directly with my grandmother I wouldn't deal with the headache.

[Sparkle]

I vote option 1. Or how about a wreath? Wreaths are nice and safe, but say "I'm thinking of you".

[Rosie_0801]

Option 6! If you are honour bound to buy for them, they are honour bound to at least pretend they like it.

:)

Rosie

[1bassoon]

I vote option 6.

 

But - when I read your post, my first thought was,

 

"How about a box of Kleenex?"

 

Ha! Can you tell I have a cold?? :D

[chaik76]

Option 2. Exotic teas. Just because it would be fun.

[Colleen]

I don't understand "honor-bound" gift-giving. A gift given out of compulsion isn't a gift, imo. I realize you want to maintain friendly, diplomatic relations with these people, but why do you believe giving them gifts ~ gifts that may have no meaning or use to them anyway ~ furthers that purpose?

 

I'm quite uncomfortable when people give me things simply because they think they have to, and even moreso if I know they don't care for me. I don't play that game, and I resent being put on the receiving end of it. So I put forth Option 7: Send a nice handwritten card and leave it at that.

[Miss Sherry]

I don't understand sending someone a gift that you would call weird. Do you think that maybe they would also think it is weird ? Also, it seems you don't really want to give them a gift. If it were me, I wouldn't. I highly doubt there is really a connection between how your Grandmother will be treated by them or how respectful they are of you, and whether or not you send a gift.

 

Have you seen Figis ? They have some interesting gifts to send in case you are still wondering if these people would even like tea.

 

http://www.figis.com/gifts/subcat.asp?categoryID=1098&subcat=1099&hd=1

 

But in this situation I would be inclined to just send a card, with a photo of my children, if I had a recent one ready to send.

 

 

I'm curious, have these people been sending you gifts all of these years that you have been sending gifts to them ? If they have not, then they are most likely to be thinking that the relationship you have with them simply does not warrant feeling obligated to do gift giving.

 

I'm with Colleen. I also do not like receiving gifts from someone that I don't think really wanted to give me one in the first place. I would rather that they didn't . It sounds like these people were not born yesterday so I wouldn't be surprised if they wonder why you are sending them gifts and it seems a little out of place to them. Relationships are two way and they've got to also feel there's really not one between you and them. However, if they have also been sending gifts to you, then I would be wrong in thinking that gift giviing in this instance seems out of place to them or simply not warranted or expected in their thinking.

If you feel you just MUST send them a gift, personally, I would go with a plant or a Holiday arrangement of flowers. But I advise against sending them anything you would not enjoy sending or that you would not enjoy receiving yourself.

Edited December 8, 2008 by Miss Sherry
to add link to Figis

[Harriet Vane]

I don't understand "honor-bound" gift-giving. A gift given out of compulsion isn't a gift, imo. I realize you want to maintain friendly, diplomatic relations with these people, but why do you believe giving them gifts ~ gifts that may have no meaning or use to them anyway ~ furthers that purpose?

 

I'm quite uncomfortable when people give me things simply because they think they have to, and even moreso if I know they don't care for me. I don't play that game, and I resent being put on the receiving end of it. So I put forth Option 7: Send a nice handwritten card and leave it at that.

 

That's a fair question, and one I have already struggled through. For many years I did not give them a gift and was perfectly comfortable with that. There is absolutely no one else on my gift list that has this peculiar status--I cut out all unnecessary gift-giving years ago. The best answer I can give you is to say that I am totally confident that they value this gesture.

 

With regard to my grandmother, it's an unbalanced situation. There are three relatives who have power over her (financially and legally). Not one of those three knows her well or wants to. I have NO power over my grandmother financially or legally, but am the one who sees her most often, knows her best, and understands her condition the most thoroughly. I wish the situation were otherwise. It is important that I jump through certain hoops not because I care about their opinions of me, but because if I do not they will no longer be receptive to receiving information about my grandmother from me. It's shallow and dysfunctional, but I submit to the outward forms these people seem to need specifically and only because I understand it to be what is necessary for my grandmother at this time. Believe me, I'm not happy about it either.

[Sandra in NC]

Option 4. Go safe because not all tea drinkers like flavored teas but tea drinkers who like flavored teas will often like plain. The performance teas are pretty, good tasting but not great. They are about the performance not the brew. Even if they are not tea drinkers themselves, maybe they have guests who are, and they will enjoy offering them something nice. Most people who are not tea drinkers, don't have nice teas laying around for guests, so that will still be a nice present.

 

I agree. I don't drink tea but I have it on hand for guests. And speaking from experience (sort of related), I LOVE coffee and people often get me coffee as a gift but I can't stand flavored coffees and guess what I usually get....

So I agree with the recommendation to avoid flavored teas.

[unsinkable]

That's a fair question, and one I have already struggled through. For many years I did not give them a gift and was perfectly comfortable with that. There is absolutely no one else on my gift list that has this peculiar status--I cut out all unnecessary gift-giving years ago. The best answer I can give you is to say that I am totally confident that they value this gesture.

 

With regard to my grandmother, it's an unbalanced situation. There are three relatives who have power over her (financially and legally). Not one of those three knows her well or wants to. I have NO power over my grandmother financially or legally, but am the one who sees her most often, knows her best, and understands her condition the most thoroughly. I wish the situation were otherwise. It is important that I jump through certain hoops not because I care about their opinions of me, but because if I do not they will no longer be receptive to receiving information about my grandmother from me. It's shallow and dysfunctional, but I submit to the outward forms these people seem to need specifically and only because I understand it to be what is necessary for my grandmother at this time. Believe me, I'm not happy about it either.

 

:grouphug: You sound like a wonderful granddaughter!

[Kareni]

... when I read your post, my first thought was,

 

"How about a box of Kleenex?"

 

Thinking in a similar vein here, I was going to suggest a decongestant!

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Harriet Vane]

I don't understand sending someone a gift that you would call weird. Do you think that maybe they would also think it is weird ? I used the word "weird" in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way. My kids are always saying that "Mom likes that weird gourment stuff." I was using the word in the same vein--I would have done better to choose the word "exotic." Also, it seems you don't really want to give them a gift. If it were me, I wouldn't. I highly doubt there is really a connection between how your Grandmother will be treated by them or how respectful they are of you, and whether or not you send a gift.I explained some of this to Colleen in answer to her post. These people would not be intentionally mean to Grandma. However they have control over her both financially and legally, but they do not know her well nor do they want to. They hardly see her or talk to her. I have no power over my grandmother financially or legally, but am the one who knows her well and is the most familiar with her condition and her needs. If I do not maintain certain niceties in my relationship with these relatives, it is quite likely they will cut off their communication with me. This will impact my grandmother's care. I wish it were otherwise.

 

I'm curious, have these people been sending you gifts all of these years that you have been sending gifts to them ? If they have not, then they are most likely to be thinking that the relationship you have with them simply does not warrant feeling obligated to do gift giving. Yes they have sent me gifts. It's what they feel is proper.

 

I'm with Colleen. I also do not like receiving gifts from someone that I don't think really wanted to give me one in the first place. I would rather that they didn't .I feel the same way and culled my gift-giving list years ago as a result. These relatives are the exception to that rule for my grandmother's sake. It sounds like these people were not born yesterday so I wouldn't be surprised if they wonder why you are sending them gifts and it seems a little out of place to them. Relationships are two way and they've got to also feel there's really not one between you and them.On the contrary, they feel that there are certain trappings that family does. They are not bothered by the true state of affairs under the trappings--if the conventions are recognized they feel all is proper and fitting. However, if they have also been sending gifts to you, then I would be wrong in thinking that gift giviing in this instance seems out of place to them or simply not warranted or expected in their thinking.

If you feel you just MUST send them a gift, personally, I would go with a plant or a Holiday arrangement of flowers. But I advise against sending them anything you would not enjoy sending or that you would not enjoy receiving yourself.I am sorry to have given that impression. Every gift I have ever sent them has been something I wouldn't mind receiving myself, including the tea samples I am considering giving them this year. My hesitation was based solely on not knowing if they like tea. Yes I am frustrated by this situation--I don't like wasting time, money, or emotion on this type of obligation but have purposely chosen to go through the motions for the sake of my grandmother.

 

 

My thoughts sprinkled throughout your post above.

[Miss Sherry]

Hi Strider,

It sounds like they are very "niceities" oriented - for lack of a better word - and you are just trying to make the best of an awkward and unfortunate situation. Some people are just very formal in their approach to others and it sounds like that is part of what you are dealing with.

It's wonderful you are wanting to look out for your Grandmothers best interests as much as possible.

Is there another family member you can ask for ideas about what would be the most welcome gift to send these relatives ?

 

Flowers or Plants seem to be a safe gift for just about anyone.

Tea is iffy.

[Chris in VA]

Performance tea? How hilarious! I love that! I'm going to get some for my friend.

 

In your case, I think I'd actually go with a nice poinsettia or some pretty paperwhites, unless you think that wouldn't "count" as a gift (I know it can be tricky with some people).