When you are suddenly in a different income bracket than your friends...

[teachermom2834]

7 minutes ago, Alicia64 said:

I have no answers. I've been on both sides. In one state we were the poor country mice and then we moved to another state and became the city mice. Friends looked at me funny both times.

Just thinking as I'm writing.

I haven't read all of the posts, I hope I'm not repeating: but I think it depends on the individual friend. It's not likely going to be a "one size fits all."

I think the issues of money between friends, spouses, even adult children (ex: my grandfather who was blue collar never stepped a toe in my dad's very white collar fancy house) are very, very real.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the friend element out of it as much as possible -- I know that's hard -- and work on myself becoming more comfortable having money. Once you 100 percent have your own back, I'm betting most of your friends will be fine. (Full disclosure: I have to add that as I made some life altering changes, I lost friends. I'm pretty sure I lost a friend or two when I started homeschooling. One even pointblank said, "What the H are you doing??")

It sounds cheesy, but I think journaling daily on a topic can really produce significant results.

In the meantime, can I have your van? 🙃

Wendy

Thanks for understanding. I think you are onto something here about my own discomfort. It’s not like I’ve come into millions. But I’m not going to be driving around with my car duct taped together anymore. Somehow that feels like part of my identity I am parting with 😂

And I’ll think of you when I get rid of my van. If I ever really do get rid of it. Who gets rid of a car before it dies on the side of the road??? Not this girl. Never before at least. 
 

I just don’t have to do those kind of things anymore. It is a bit uncomfortable and I do have to get used to that myself. 
 

[PeterPan]

4 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

But I’m not going to be driving around with my car duct taped together anymore. Somehow that feels like part of my identity I am parting with 😂

This seems like a GOOD problem!   

I think give it time. Change is a normal part of human experience.

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

do think this is the reason why people typically settle into somewhat of a self-imposed caste system with friendships. It’s pretty uncommon to be in a group of casual friends and have one friend who is major outlier on wealth (in either direction).

People settle out into groups where others are similarly-situated. I think of groups I have been a part of for a long, long time; we are similarly-situated ladies. We are all within ten years age-wise, we all have kids in the same overall age bracket (I’m the member with the youngest child, at 16). We are all married to our original spouses. Though some of the members are farther toward the “upper” end of upper middle class, nobody is a billionaire and nobody is living at or below the poverty line. If either of these things were true, I think that person would quickly become uncomfortable because there would be so very many things they could not relate to. Even just the ability to host the group at your house when your turn comes up requires a certain level of financial security and a home where this is possible to do. 

It also depends on your main social activities. I gravitate towards nature loving homeschoolers, who range from bougie wealthy to single working moms. Or dads. As a family, we spend the most time with volunteer firefighter families, which leans blue collar but still covers the whole dang range except for the 1% (as far as I know, lol.)
Our immediate neighborhood is a mix of small bungalow type homes and McMansions.
Having a homogenous group, for us, would require an actual (intentional or subconscious) effort to do so.

[Alicia64]

37 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Thanks for understanding. I think you are onto something here about my own discomfort. It’s not like I’ve come into millions. But I’m not going to be driving around with my car duct taped together anymore. Somehow that feels like part of my identity I am parting with 😂

And I’ll think of you when I get rid of my van. If I ever really do get rid of it. Who gets rid of a car before it dies on the side of the road??? Not this girl. Never before at least. 
 

I just don’t have to do those kind of things anymore. It is a bit uncomfortable and I do have to get used to that myself. 
 

Long story, short: Our van went to van-heaven and we bought a less guzzly Toyota. Omg, it was like night and day. My van was from '03 and I felt like Jed Clampett driving around in it. The Toyota is like riding on butter.

Trust me, you want your own stick of butter to drive.

Get the car of your dreams -- as much as you can -- I let dh talk me into getting something I don't totally want. I wish I had stuck to my guns a little better. (My thought: I'm not getting any younger and if I don't get a car that I want and can afford, then when??)

Hugs again -- money is hard. Period.

Wendy

[marbel]

22 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

It also depends on your main social activities. I gravitate towards nature loving homeschoolers, who range from bougie wealthy to single working moms. Or dads. As a family, we spend the most time with volunteer firefighter families, which leans blue collar but still covers the whole dang range except for the 1% (as far as I know, lol.)
Our immediate neighborhood is a mix of small bungalow type homes and McMansions.
Having a homogenous group, for us, would require an actual (intentional or subconscious) effort to do so.

I've been thinking about this thread today and about the notion of having friend who are all in the same/similar economic class, and I think this fits my experience well. I think it depends on what the bonds are and what sort of things people talk about. I guess if people mostly converse about stuff related to money, and abundance or lack thereof, or their possessions, it would be difficult.

In another life, I had a big house on a large piece of land. It wasn't a particularly nice house - lots wrong with it - but it was a great place for gatherings. We had a lot of gatherings there, mostly with people we knew from church, with some others from homeschooling and a few from my husband's work. I would say there was a very wide range of incomes represented, and various lifestyles. Everyone seemed comfortable with everyone else.  And people with nicer houses, bigger houses, smaller houses, more run-down houses would invite us over too.  Different income levels really didn't seem to be an issue. 

[SKL]

Yeah, my modest home has hosted the state governor (and his party guests) on down to homeless people.  And I've been a happy guest in everything from a mansion to a dugout.  Food is food.  Kindness is kindness.

Maybe I am thick-skulled, but I honestly don't worry if my house is good enough for anyone, except when there are really bad problems, such as the time when a skunk was killed (by a cat) in our foundation, or when we needed serious repairs.  And if anyone on the low-income side of the continuum has felt uncomfortable in my house, I think it's their insecurity rather than anything about me.  I've never been accused of giving off superior vibes.  😛

[fairfarmhand]

19 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yeah, my modest home has hosted the state governor (and his party guests) on down to homeless people.  And I've been a happy guest in everything from a mansion to a dugout.  Food is food.  Kindness is kindness.

Maybe I am thick-skulled, but I honestly don't worry if my house is good enough for anyone, except when there are really bad problems, such as the time when a skunk was killed (by a cat) in our foundation, or when we needed serious repairs.  And if anyone on the low-income side of the continuum has felt uncomfortable in my house, I think it's their insecurity rather than anything about me.  I've never been accused of giving off superior vibes.  😛

Let's see.

I've had people over when the doorknob on the guest bathroom was not working. (We took the door knob off, stuffed tissue in the hole and used a rock too keep the door shut.)

When I had just painted my living room and the furniture and stuff was all in the middle of the room and tape was everywhere.

When roofers were stomping around on the roof. 

When the dishwasher was broken and I had to wash dishes in the bathtub. (there was a leak in the pipes too, so the whole kitchen sink was turned off)

When our water was off for some reason in the house (some sort of plumbing issue) and we had to use the yard hydrants that are on a well for washing hands and getting drinks. 

I've had less financially blessed people here and wealthier people here. They all seem to have a good time. Laughter, kids, pets, and simple delicious food makes all feel welcome. When we do a potluck and I send out the list of things to bring, I have a variety of price points, from a package of paper towels and a couple 2 liters, to a crock pot of soup. Sometimes we do "brown bag" get togethers when everyone brings food for their family so that people can bring what they like and feed their kids what they want. (I started doing this when I became friends with some people who have serious allergies and I could not figure out how to feed those kids.) It's never about money, I grew up very poor and I have never forgotten what that was like and how I felt "less than" when my family couldn't afford stuff.

 

ETA: One time I set my kitchen oven on fire while we had company. My casserole went up in flames. We ate cereal. My kids friends love coming here. IT's just a relaxed fun time. Nobody takes themselves that seriously that I hang around with. There's always some sort of disaster happening here. Oh well,

Edited December 31, 2020 by fairfarmhand

[katilac]

It's certainly very common in my area to talk about house renovations and repairs, because that's how you find the good flooring guys and painters. 

Anyone I talk or text with often would likely know when I'm looking for a new car, because sometimes the answer to "what are you doing this weekend?" is "looking at cars." 

16 hours ago, SanDiegoMom said:

He even yelled this to someone who pulled up in their car next to his and commented on his trailer.  (Imagine someone yelling at a car pulling away "I deployed for a year and this was my reward!") 

😂

17 hours ago, SereneHome said:

I just can't get over the fact that anyone would be seeing remodeling or car buying stories as bragging. Both are huge pain and a lot of hassle.

Well, yes, but also no, because they are not as much of a hassle as not being able to remodel or buy a car. Particularly the car, which is a necessity for most people. 

13 hours ago, SKL said:

 As for why your friend didn't mention your renovations - call me crazy, but maybe she didn't really notice or was too focused on something else?  I really don't notice the way things look, unless there is something really unusual about them.  For me to remark on a change in my friends' homes, it would have to be something so drastic that I couldn't find my way around without instructions.  😛  Even if I did think maybe there was a change, I wouldn't mention it unless I thought my noticing it was really important to my friend.  Most people I know really would not care, or, I don't think they would.  😛

 

Same! I tend to be oblivious about my environment. I would probably mention new cabinets or such if I noticed them, but I am unlikely to notice. 

[katilac]

18 hours ago, Quill said:

Oh, one thing I want to add: don’t do that false burden thing. Everyone sees through that immediately. Like this: “Ugh! My husband insisted on granite countertops in our new kitchen! Oh, they are awful, and were so expensive and now I have to clean the counters all the time!” 

We call that a humble brag. 

[KungFuPanda]

16 hours ago, freesia said:

lol  This would be me.  I will be stuck with my pink toilets forever bc we live in a parsonage.(But I'd try to live vicariously through my friend getting rid of hers.)

OP, I think the only thing to avoid would be going on and on about it all the time.  We all get jealous once in a while and it's on us to figure out how to deal with it.Just keep being loving and kind to your friends, the same old you, and you should all adjust. I say this as someone whose dh makes a lot less than most of the people we live near.  The only thing that drives me crazy is when people just assume I have the same amount of disposable cash as they do and don't have to budget super carefully for kids activities.  Their cars or renovations don't throw me at all.  Sure I would love a new kitchen (mine is the worst arrangement I've ever had) and to get rid of that pink bathroom,but I sincerely feel happy for others who car redo things (even if I have a twinge of jealousy, it doesn't last.)

KEEP those pink toilets and be grateful!  My house had THREE harvest gold toilets. I replaced two of them with beautiful white ones. That remaining harvest gold toilet NEVER clogs and you just can’t get the 5-gallon-flushers anymore; even if you live where too much water falls from the sky. 😒

[SKL]

Re toilet colors ... I was gonna say, it really doesn't cost much to buy a new basic toilet.  (We had to replace a broken one recently.)  But then I remembered that my parents still have the same toilets that were there when we moved into that [100+yo] house in 1979.  And one of them is ugly pukey pea green.  As far as I know, they have no plans to change them.

And re toilet stories ... the time we had the governor's party at our house ... our downstairs toilet broke in the middle of the party, so we had to direct people to use the upstairs toilet.  We didn't check behind that bathroom door, where my kids' pink bunny hooded bath towels were hanging.  As we hadn't mentioned to anyone that kids lived there (my kids were elsewhere that evening), we wondered what people must have thought of our choice of bath towel, LOL.

[freesia]

3 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

KEEP those pink toilets and be grateful!  My house had THREE harvest gold toilets. I replaced two of them with beautiful white ones. That remaining harvest gold toilet NEVER clogs and you just can’t get the 5-gallon-flushers anymore; even if you live where too much water falls from the sky. 😒

Thanks for the encouragement.  It is a good reliable toilet, for sure. I just wish the replacement seat didn't cost $$$ so we have a mismatched white one.  And I do try to focus on what I like about the bathroom--doubles sinks, heat lamp.

[freesia]

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Let's see.

I've had people over when the doorknob on the guest bathroom was not working. (We took the door knob off, stuffed tissue in the hole and used a rock too keep the door shut.)

When I had just painted my living room and the furniture and stuff was all in the middle of the room and tape was everywhere.

When roofers were stomping around on the roof. 

When the dishwasher was broken and I had to wash dishes in the bathtub. (there was a leak in the pipes too, so the whole kitchen sink was turned off)

When our water was off for some reason in the house (some sort of plumbing issue) and we had to use the yard hydrants that are on a well for washing hands and getting drinks. 

I've had less financially blessed people here and wealthier people here. They all seem to have a good time. Laughter, kids, pets, and simple delicious food makes all feel welcome. When we do a potluck and I send out the list of things to bring, I have a variety of price points, from a package of paper towels and a couple 2 liters, to a crock pot of soup. Sometimes we do "brown bag" get togethers when everyone brings food for their family so that people can bring what they like and feed their kids what they want. (I started doing this when I became friends with some people who have serious allergies and I could not figure out how to feed those kids.) It's never about money, I grew up very poor and I have never forgotten what that was like and how I felt "less than" when my family couldn't afford stuff.

 

ETA: One time I set my kitchen oven on fire while we had company. My casserole went up in flames. We ate cereal. My kids friends love coming here. IT's just a relaxed fun time. Nobody takes themselves that seriously that I hang around with. There's always some sort of disaster happening here. Oh well,

You are honestly my hero.  I want so much to be like this, but entertaining makes me very anxious unless it's having a good friend over to hang out with her kids.

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, freesia said:

You are honestly my hero.  I want so much to be like this, but entertaining makes me very anxious unless it's having a good friend over to hang out with her kids.

I'm like that, too and admire people like @fairfarmhand.  I'd love to be at her home - I'd feel much more comfortable there than a party where everything is perfect.  Just like I enjoy visiting a more lived-in messy home than a super clean neat one.  🙂  

[fairfarmhand]

18 minutes ago, freesia said:

You are honestly my hero.  I want so much to be like this, but entertaining makes me very anxious unless it's having a good friend over to hang out with her kids.

 

7 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I'm like that, too and admire people like @fairfarmhand.  I'd love to be at her home - I'd feel much more comfortable there than a party where everything is perfect.  Just like I enjoy visiting a more lived-in messy home than a super clean neat one.  🙂  

I wasn’t always like that. I used to get super stressed out making things perfect until I made one friend who just didn’t care. She’d sit on the couch and plop her laundry down between us and we’d fold while we chatted. She wore stained sweat pants or pajamas and had a sink full of dirty dishes. And it was life giving. I needed to see that she liked me for me. And I loved her back, regardless of how her house looked or how she fixed up herself or not on any particular day. She really rubbed off on me, and I got to where I was like “this is who I am. Yeah, I’ll put on a bra, but some days thats the best I got. Take it or leave it. “ and amazingly I drew people in wth that attitude more than when I had my “perfect” persona sticking out. My friend who came over while I was painting said “I know that you didn’t meant it this way, but now I feel like family and I feel welcome and warm even though it’s messy.” 

[AmandaVT]

5 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

KEEP those pink toilets and be grateful!  My house had THREE harvest gold toilets. I replaced two of them with beautiful white ones. That remaining harvest gold toilet NEVER clogs and you just can’t get the 5-gallon-flushers anymore; even if you live where too much water falls from the sky. 😒

We just moved into a pink bathroom house. We were ready to replace the tub, toilet, and sink ASAP, but man they work well. The tub is cast iron, so it's not going anywhere. And the toilet is a beast. DS said we are not allowed to replace it because nothing clogs it. 🤪 We may stay the pink bathroom people.

[marbel]

2 hours ago, freesia said:

You are honestly my hero.  I want so much to be like this, but entertaining makes me very anxious unless it's having a good friend over to hang out with her kids.

Someone once explained to me that I should focus on offering hospitality, not entertaining people. Fairfarmhand describes offering hospitality (plopping down folding laundry with a friend over). So I try to aspire to hospitality rather than entertaining. After all, I really don't want to have to provide - or be! - entertainment for people!

[freesia]

3 minutes ago, marbel said:

Someone once explained to me that I should focus on offering hospitality, not entertaining people. Fairfarmhand describes offering hospitality (plopping down folding laundry with a friend over). So I try to aspire to hospitality rather than entertaining. After all, I really don't want to have to provide - or be! - entertainment for people!

I agree, but somehow in the moment I still get wound up. I’ll keep working on it. Dh would love to entertain more

[freesia]

17 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

We just moved into a pink bathroom house. We were ready to replace the tub, toilet, and sink ASAP, but man they work well. The tub is cast iron, so it's not going anywhere. And the toilet is a beast. DS said we are not allowed to replace it because nothing clogs it. 🤪 We may stay the pink bathroom people.

Maybe we need a support group 😂

[KungFuPanda]

36 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

We just moved into a pink bathroom house. We were ready to replace the tub, toilet, and sink ASAP, but man they work well. The tub is cast iron, so it's not going anywhere. And the toilet is a beast. DS said we are not allowed to replace it because nothing clogs it. 🤪 We may stay the pink bathroom people.

See, I think pink is the best because you can add a bunch of black and white and do a whole French thing. My harvest gold toilet is in my downstairs powder room. There’s no hiding it. 

[freesia]

12 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

See, I think pink is the best because you can add a bunch of black and white and do a whole French thing. My harvest gold toilet is in my downstairs powder room. There’s no hiding it. 

Harvest theme bathroom?

[KungFuPanda]

3 minutes ago, freesia said:

Harvest theme bathroom?

I went with comedy. It’s a theatre-themed bathroom. The light switch cover and a flower pot are decoupaged with tickets. There’s a painting of dancers and a sign that says “please remain seated during the entire performance.” When the world is open and I have classes in my home, this is the public restroom.  

[SKL]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

I wasn’t always like that. I used to get super stressed out making things perfect until I made one friend who just didn’t care. She’d sit on the couch and plop her laundry down between us and we’d fold while we chatted. She wore stained sweat pants or pajamas and had a sink full of dirty dishes. And it was life giving. I needed to see that she liked me for me. And I loved her back, regardless of how her house looked or how she fixed up herself or not on any particular day. She really rubbed off on me, and I got to where I was like “this is who I am. Yeah, I’ll put on a bra, but some days thats the best I got. Take it or leave it. “ and amazingly I drew people in wth that attitude more than when I had my “perfect” persona sticking out. My friend who came over while I was painting said “I know that you didn’t meant it this way, but now I feel like family and I feel welcome and warm even though it’s messy.” 

Similar for me - I used to freak out if anyone was coming over.  But then I got a housemate who was the opposite extreme.  I had no choice but to get chill or die, LOL.  Eventually I got to the point where I'm comfortable as long as my house isn't filthy or stinky.  If it's cluttery, I will just apologize up front that we've been busy or traveling or whatever.  Nobody really cares, as long as there is a place to plop their butts.  🙂  Food is not my forte, but I will buy popular ready-made stuff and/or order delivery rather than worry about it.

[Garga]

58 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

See, I think pink is the best because you can add a bunch of black and white and do a whole French thing. My harvest gold toilet is in my downstairs powder room. There’s no hiding it. 

I wouldn’t mind a pink toilet. Like, my kitchen cabinets are the originals from my 1949 house and they look pretty dated and I love that about them. I paint them different colors, but no way am I going to ruin the feel of the kitchen by updating the cupboards. They’re not fancy or anything. They’re very plain. But I love them because they’re mid-century and look it. They fit well in the house, since the house is from 1949. 

Sometimes it’s nicer when everything isn’t brand new. I like things to have a patina of age or to harken back to a different time. 

I also have shag carpet upstairs and I have no idea how old it is and I adore it! And I was just taking pictures today of my boiler that’s from 1975 and still going strong! The heater people came out and tweaked it a bit because it wasn’t quite working, and now it’s good as new.  

We have updated flooring in other areas of the house and a lovely new huge fridge and I bought a brand new car last year that I’m in love with. So, we like a little old and we like a little new.  It’s ok if some things are old and some are new.

[Guest]

52 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I went with comedy. It’s a theatre-themed bathroom. The light switch cover and a flower pot are decoupaged with tickets. There’s a painting of dancers and a sign that says “please remain seated during the entire performance.” When the world is open and I have classes in my home, this is the public restroom.  

Dang, now I really want to see this...