My turn to ask for risk assessment help

[Moonhawk]

Okay, quick background: We are in AZ. Our numbers are crazy. I had let the kids visit my parents twice over May-June when the state opened and before the numbers started to rise again. Otherwise they have been at home only. My husband is higher risk and he has been out of the house 1 time only (dr appt) since February. So, we are taking this seriously.

We are currently "taking a break" from his family. 

I got a text from his mom this morning, saying, "I am moving away. Temporarily living in same-town-as-Moonhawk's-parents. Can I visit kids at Moonhawk-parents house?"

Now, seeing them at my parents house is completely out for a variety of reasons. 

But, seeing her at all? This is the second time since February that she has told me she is moving away. The first time "didn't pan out" and she didn't see the kids. While I tentatively trust she is telling the truth, I don't know if "moving away" means at the end of the year or what.

Background on her: She is a doctor. I do not say this with malice, but I've heard 2 other doctors refer to her (in front of me, a known DIL) as "a quack." She believes, based on email forwards and some FB posts I've seen, that Covid is a hoax or immensely blown out of proportion. She is the person who forwarded me the Plandemic video, for example. So, I know she may be in higher risk situations if she is still working (idk if she is), and I don't know if she is taking precautions seriously.

We did live with her for a year (summer 2018-summer 2019). The kids have not asked to see her once since the day we moved out. 

How do I respond to this? (I am not involving DH, by previous agreement.)

My current thoughts:

1. Telling her we have not been visiting anyone due to the virus.

2. Telling her we may be open to meeting at a park near her for an hour or two, using social distancing and masks.

3. Asking what current precautions she is taking and what activities she has been doing recently. 

What am I missing? Do I just say 1 and 3 and then see how she responds before suggesting a park? 

I know I sound heartless. Please understand there is very, very good reason that we cut off and why I won't even bring it up to DH.

 

[alisoncooks]

Can you trust that she'd answer #3 honestly -- or would she just tell you what you want to hear?

If you want to see her, #2 sounds fine. If not, I'd have no problem with #1. Or if she likes to feel special, you can start with #1 and then lead into #2 ("well, were not seeing anyone but since your moving, we'll make an exception meet at a park.")

[Katy]

You're not visiting anyone due to the pandemic.  It doesn't matter how recently you made that decision, that is none of her business.

[Pen]

If you want to have a get together then 2 seems like the way to do it—outside, plus distance. Plus masks.  Use same level distance plus masks as for any possible Asymptomatic stranger. Good masks plus 10 feet or so distance outdoors.  Limit time. 

But would she abide by that? Or would she want up close, hugs, kisses, no mask?  Bring treats for kids making distance and masks awkward or so forth?

If you don’t want to get together, regardless of how well #2 could be maintained, but say for whatever reasons led to separating in first place, don’t do so.  In that case Use #1. 

[ktgrok]

48 minutes ago, Katy said:

You're not visiting anyone due to the pandemic.  It doesn't matter how recently you made that decision, that is none of her business.

Period. 

"In consultation with DH's doctors, we at this point are not visiting with anyone, due to the risk of accidentally transmitting it back to him. I'm so sorry. "

[TechWife]

Always remember you don't owe her an explanation. You can give her one, but it isn't required.

"No, that doesn't work for us."

"No. Have a safe move."

[SKL]

I'm confused.  You cut her off, your kids don't want to see her, but you aren't sure if you want to meet?  I think the answer is "no" regardless of Covid.  Covid offers a convenient excuse for you to give her.

If you actually do want a get-together, I think the park option would be a reasonable suggestion.  I would not bother asking her what she's been doing; I'd act consistent with the fact that either she, or you/your kids, or both might have the virus.  Train your kids and role play what to do/say in case granny tries to get too close.

[happi duck]

#1

"We're not doing any visits.  Good luck with your move! "

[Moonhawk]

11 minutes ago, SKL said:

I'm confused.  You cut her off, your kids don't want to see her, but you aren't sure if you want to meet?  I think the answer is "no" regardless of Covid.  Covid offers a convenient excuse for you to give her.

If you actually do want a get-together, I think the park option would be a reasonable suggestion.  I would not bother asking her what she's been doing; I'd act consistent with the fact that either she, or you/your kids, or both might have the virus.  Train your kids and role play what to do/say in case granny tries to get too close.

The conflict comes in me that she's moving, so while we have effectively cut off, it's been framed as "taking a break". And if she is moving out of state, this could be the last opportunity for her to see kids for years (because we won't have funds for a trip regardless of a pandemic, for at least 3 years, and I wouldn't spend more than $25 to see her anyway).

I do still feel obligatory pressure of "grandmothers love their grandchildren," and she does love them, I think...she just isn't someone that should have any influence whatsoever on developing minds.

Then again, maybe she's just moving to Phoenix or something. I don't have enough information.

Maybe I should reply with, "Glad to hear you found some place, where are you moving?" to better gauge if this is a true last chance or something less dramatic. 

And I'm trying to judge if I'm letting my own dislike of the idea of a visit color my risk assessment, and if Covid IS a valid excuse in this situation or if I am stretching it too thin. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

20 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

The conflict comes in me that she's moving, so while we have effectively cut off, it's been framed as "taking a break". And if she is moving out of state, this could be the last opportunity for her to see kids for years (because we won't have funds for a trip regardless of a pandemic, for at least 3 years, and I wouldn't spend more than $25 to see her anyway).

I do still feel obligatory pressure of "grandmothers love their grandchildren," and she does love them, I think...she just isn't someone that should have any influence whatsoever on developing minds.

Then again, maybe she's just moving to Phoenix or something. I don't have enough information.

Maybe I should reply with, "Glad to hear you found some place, where are you moving?" to better gauge if this is a true last chance or something less dramatic. 

And I'm trying to judge if I'm letting my own dislike of the idea of a visit color my risk assessment, and if Covid IS a valid excuse in this situation or if I am stretching it too thin. 

In this modern age there must be some way that she could still "see" your kids through Skype or FaceTime etc. if she moves away.  But it sounds like your kids don't want to see her.  Do you know why? 

[Moonhawk]

2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

In this modern age there must be some way that she could still "see" your kids through Skype or FaceTime etc. if she moves away.  But it sounds like your kids don't want to see her.  Do you know why? 

I won't open the door up to Skype or FT for her. That will not be an option even if she lives on another continent, at least as things are currently. 

The kids do not want to see her because we lived with her for a year and they got to know her past a few hours at a park.

[Jean in Newcastle]

7 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

I won't open the door up to Skype or FT for her. That will not be an option even if she lives on another continent, at least as things are currently. 

The kids do not want to see her because we lived with her for a year and they got to know her past a few hours at a park.

If you can't let them see her through the filter of technology then seeing her in person would be a hard no. 

[Moonhawk]

2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

If you can't let them see her through the filter of technology then seeing her in person would be a hard no. 

Hmm, that's a different perspective I hadn't thought of. I always thought parks were better since they could say hi, stand for a few minutes talking about whatever, then inevitably a game of tag starts and the kids can run wherever and don't have to interact but she gets to "spend time" with them for a while.

Whereas with a computer there is just awkward staring at each other after 3 or 4 minutes, but she is the type of person to insist she gets the full time allotted, or will start asking and saying the things we are actively avoiding her for. 

Thanks, that does give me more food for thought. 

[catz]

So you're oldest is 11?  If I wanted my kids to maintain a relationship with a grandparent prior to at least age 16, I would do the leg work to make that happen.  Regardless if that grandparent came off as fun or whatever.   Like I remember having a grandmother who was not into young kids at all, but I had a great teen to adult relationship with her.  

If a grandparent was toxic and I cut them off from contact, I can't imagine rethinking it without talking to my spouse about it.  Especially since it is his mother. I would tell her to contact her son if she wants to meet and let him decide/plan.   

With where covid numbers are in AZ, if you are in hot spot territory, I'd be locked down quite hard.

[Pen]

 

If she’s not someone you want to have in contact with your kids, then use #1.  If things change in future, perhaps  she could (when CV19 is not an issue) visit your area and stay at a motel (or whatever) instead of you having to travel to wherever she goes. 

It does not seem like Covid19 is the real reason not to let her see the kids, but it offers a convenient explanation and certainly adds to the potential dangers. 

 

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

If you can't let them see her through the filter of technology then seeing her in person would be a hard no. 

I tend to disagree with this.  A park setting I have a lot of control over its very easy to make polite excuses and leave if things go in a bad direction.   Skype is much more available and if kids have their own devices it’s another level to monitor the situation.  Maybe I’m nuts but I 100pc get not wanting Skype etc available where I’d be happy with a short well supervised outdoors meet up. 

[Ausmumof3]

I think you need to sus things out and find out if she’s actually moving and how far.  I totally get being open to a catch up if she’s going away but given she’s said that before and it hasn’t happened I’d want to know she really was.  Then I’d be going with option 2 and even then only if I knew she would respect distancing etc.  otherwise it would be option 1 for sure.

[Moonhawk]

1 hour ago, happysmileylady said:

Getting more information isn't unwarrented in the least.  Questions like "glad to hear you finally found some place, I know you were looking hard.  Where and when are you moving?" aren't crazy questions.  

I just asked: "congratulations, where you do you plan to move to?"

Her reply: "Not sure yet."

🤨

[Jaybee]

11 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

I just asked: "congratulations, where you do you plan to move to?"

Her reply: "Not sure yet."

🤨

Hmm. Sounds like it might be more of a ploy than a plan.

[prairiewindmomma]

You aren't seeing anyone due to the virus.  End stop.  Don't get drug into explaining yourself.

 

Beyond that:

1. In some places of AZ, 30% of tests are coming up positive. That's huge.  Good reason to stay home.

2. The fact that your kids aren't asking to see her means that there is no huge impetus to do so for their sakes.

3. Zoom (free for 40 minutes), FaceTime, and other video means can be a great alternate for safe communication. 

4. If I recall correctly, there were some bad power dynamics between you and your mom when you lived near each other. I would assume, based on my own crazy family experiences, that this is a narcissitic power move on her part. Hence, you aren't seeing anyone due to the virus. It's a clear bright line. Expect her to fuss.

[Moonhawk]

Ok, so I responded: "Good luck as you decide! We have been strictly staying home due to Covid and have not been visiting anyone. Let me know when you have plans in motion and we can reassess then. Good luck!"

Her response: "I am glad you all are well! Just in case someone you know gets COVID, There are medications that have been around 50 years that treat it. South American countries are using Ivermectin one or two doses. and antibiotic Azithromycin with 96-100% recovery. Please let me know if anyone needs help with those medications. "

I'm not going to respond to that, so I guess it's over for now.