Financially helping parents who just don't want to spend money

[Soror]

SIL was hinting the other day at hiring a lawn service for MIL(MIL is constantly complaining about all the work but doesn't want to scale the yard back and insists on working in the hottest part of the day without break) and fishing to see if we'd help pay. Being the curmudgeon I told dh I'm absolutely against it. I feel a slight bit of guilt because it sounds so bad. But- she has a pension in addition to SS. No bills. Lots of cash and assets she can sell (property that she is not using and would not be in the least a hardship). She's had no pay cut. On top of which, we've volunteered to do or help her with yard work and she keeps refusing us. Meanwhile dh has had a pay and benefit cut and she is making  $500 a month than we do for 6 people, while just having herself. She is always talking about how she doesnt have any money while sitting on piles of cash, it is a bit annoying. So, do you have parents or other relatives that are just tight but don't actually need money?

Edited June 4, 2020 by soror

[Slache]

Yes. We do nothing for them.

[BusyMom5]

Agree, just offer to help with the actual yard work.  My kids help both our parents with yard work pretty often.  

[mommyoffive]

I don't have family like that.  I would be irritated too.  I would not contribute to that at all.  She has the means to do it if she wants to. Actually my grandmother was like that.  She had money but wouldn't spend it on things to make her life easier.  She lived through the depression so I think that was some of it.  But I think she was doing it even at the end of her life so she could pass on as much money to her children and grandchildren. 

[Carrie12345]

I can’t say that they had money, but there was a point where I found myself considering going back to work (with 5 kids) in order to help family.  Thank goodness it eventually occurred to me that I was insane and they should get their own jobs. 😯 

[chiguirre]

56 minutes ago, soror said:

SIL was hinting the other day at hiring a lawn service for MIL(MIL is constantly complaining about all the work but doesn't want to scale the yard back and insists on working in the hottest part of the day without break) and fishing to see if we'd help pay. 

She may just like to complain and that's what she has available. My mom is an avid gardener and she also likes to work in the heat. She says that she doesn't feel the heat like she did when she was younger. 

[Slache]

13 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I can’t say that they had money, but there was a point where I found myself considering going back to work (with 5 kids) in order to help family.  Thank goodness it eventually occurred to me that I was insane and they should get their own jobs. 😯 

Yep! MIL decided (not asked) that I would work while she raised my kids. Umm, no.

7 minutes ago, chiguirre said:

She says that she doesn't feel the heat like she did when she was younger. 

This makes me uncomfortable.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, soror said:

SIL was hinting the other day at hiring a lawn service for MIL(MIL is constantly complaining about all the work but doesn't want to scale the yard back and insists on working in the hottest part of the day without break) and fishing to see if we'd help pay. Being the curmudgeon I told dh I'm absolutely against it. I feel a slight bit of guilt because it sounds so bad. But- she has a pension in addition to SS. No bills. Lots of cash and assets she can sell (property that she is not using and would not be in the least a hardship). She's had no pay cut. On top of which, we've volunteered to do or help her with yard work and she keeps refusing us. Meanwhile dh has had a pay and benefit cut and she is making  $500 a month than we do for 6 people, while just having herself. She is always talking about how she doesnt have any money while sitting on piles of cash, it is a bit annoying. So, do you have parents or other relatives that are just tight but don't actually need money?

so - she doesn't like the work

she won't scale back the scope of the work

she works in the hottest part of the day

she wants her kids to pay for someone else to do it

she won't accept help from her kids to do it themselves. - 

sounds manipulative....  if it really was too much for her, she'd scale it back or pay someone to do it.  

 

there is a perspective thing of what we are used to.  Dd share with me how after they bought their house (dsil was doing his MBA and they were paying all the tuition as he went),   dsil was freaking out about how broke they were.  dsil had a good job, and a comfortable income for a couple - even with a mortgage.  he grew up the youngest child in an upper middle class income family.  (dd & dsil had their budget posted on the wall of their office - their only debt is their mortgage.)  

when dd was growing up, dh dealt with unemployment for prolonged periods. we had times we were below the poverty line.  She was making $$$$$ more than him,  with only mortgage debt.  She told me how she'd "never felt so rich".

that's perspective, and that's a relative thing.   

 

[Tanaqui]

Ooof, that sounds annoying to hear.

[gardenmom5]

30 minutes ago, chiguirre said:

She may just like to complain and that's what she has available. My mom is an avid gardener and she also likes to work in the heat. She says that she doesn't feel the heat like she did when she was younger. 

how's her thyroid?  not the TSH - but free t3 and free t4?   

[RootAnn]

I have the opposite problem. A relative with basically no income who likes to spend like she does. So, she pays for a granddaughter's braces or for a cleaning lady, lawn service, charity donations, etc. Then runs low for her food, insurance, gasoline, etc. I actually arranged for her small RMD to go in an account she doesn't have quick access to (via a checkbook) so I can bail her out with her own money vs. our $.

[Alice]

If it’s SIL hinting at it, I wouldn’t necessarily blame MIL. We have a relative who will often try and get us to do things for another relative that I don’t think are necesssary. It’s taken me awhile to realize that the issue is with the person who wants us to do stuff, not the person for who we would do the stuff. If that makes any sense. 

It sounds like this is SIL’s issue. If she wants to help MIL, she can do that, if MIL wants the help. But it isn’t up to you to make SIL feel better by being part of it 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some people just like to complain.

I agree with Alice about it being SIL's issue as well. 

[Arcadia]

4 hours ago, soror said:

SIL was hinting the other day at hiring a lawn service for MIL.
 

So, do you have parents or other relatives that are just tight but don't actually need money?

BIL’s wife would hint knowing that BIL being the oldest son would benefit the most from his parent’s will (culture reasons). 
 

My in-laws don’t need money. They keep trying to find out household incomes of their children so that they could ask for more spending money for wants (overseas vacation, expensive shopping). They keep asking my husband to buy a larger home and my husband keep telling them no money 😂 We are in Silicon Valley so the no money for a larger home is true. It took 2 unemployment to make my husband say no to majority of their wants. My kids are unhappy that in-laws get gifts which cost hundreds every year but they get rejected for wants (e.g. new tennis balls, new tennis racket grip) that cost less than $10 by my husband.
 

3 hours ago, Slache said:

Yep! MIL decided (not asked) that I would work while she raised my kids. Umm, no.

That was why my husband was so willing to relocate to another country. My in-laws kind of demanded that I work because they could “ask” my husband for more money if our household income is double.

[Soror]

4 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Agree, just offer to help with the actual yard work.  My kids help both our parents with yard work pretty often.  

We do help but she don't let us help as much as she needs (and refuses to scale back to a level that she can take care of on her own). She will tell the kids they can come done at x time and then they show up and she's started 2 hrs before. Last year she nearly had heatstroke because she is so insistent on working in the worst heat for way too long. 

2 hours ago, Alice said:

If it’s SIL hinting at it, I wouldn’t necessarily blame MIL. We have a relative who will often try and get us to do things for another relative that I don’t think are necesssary. It’s taken me awhile to realize that the issue is with the person who wants us to do stuff, not the person for who we would do the stuff. If that makes any sense. 

It sounds like this is SIL’s issue. If she wants to help MIL, she can do that, if MIL wants the help. But it isn’t up to you to make SIL feel better by being part of it 

Oh, MIL is always complainng to us too, this is just the latest. 

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Some people just like to complain.

I agree with Alice about it being SIL's issue as well. 

MIL def. likes to complain, she drives me utterly crazy.

14 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

BIL’s wife would hint knowing that BIL being the oldest son would benefit the most from his parent’s will (culture reasons). 
 

My in-laws don’t need money. They keep trying to find out household incomes of their children so that they could ask for more spending money for wants (overseas vacation, expensive shopping). They keep asking my husband to buy a larger home and my husband keep telling them no money 😂 We are in Silicon Valley so the no money for a larger home is true. It took 2 unemployment to make my husband say no to majority of their wants. My kids are unhappy that in-laws get gifts which cost hundreds every year but they get rejected for wants (e.g. new tennis balls, new tennis racket grip) that cost less than $10 by my husband.
 

That was why my husband was so willing to relocate to another country. My in-laws kind of demanded that I work because they could “ask” my husband for more money if our household income is double.

Oh, brother! She would never ask directly, it is always little hints and offhand comments. Dealing with pay cut and more uncertainty while she keeps going on about how rough she has it.

Edited June 4, 2020 by soror

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, RootAnn said:

I have the opposite problem. A relative with basically no income who likes to spend like she does. So, she pays for a granddaughter's braces or for a cleaning lady, lawn service, charity donations, etc. Then runs low for her food, insurance, gasoline, etc. I actually arranged for her small RMD to go in an account she doesn't have quick access to (via a checkbook) so I can bail her out with her own money vs. our $.

when my grandmother died, dh took my mom's inheritance, and set her up so she would get a nice income from it.  (don't touch the capital).  well, she was touching the capital.  unbeknownst to us.  things got so bad, my brother was pressuring her to move in with him in another state.  (he also wanted her to sell her condo, so he could take the money and buy a snazzier house with a MIL unit. - he also wanted her to baby sit is dd.)   mom really didn't want to go, so she confessed to us what was going on and begged for help.

dh's background is finance, he's straightened out some really bad messes in his time. When he started, he wasn't sure he could save her condo.  It was six months to figure out where the money was going because "utilities, etc." - aren't "money" - they're "bills".  seriously.

dh put her on a cash allowance.  he took care of all of her bills (utilities, insurance, etc.), including getting her out of the hole she'd dug herself.  Initially he was giving her a month worth of money for food, entertainment, etc. - and she'd blow it in a week. So, she started getting a weekly cash allowance.  If she wanted to spend on something bigger - she'd have to bring it up to him.  It really cut down on impulse buys and she was taken care of.  She appreciated it - my brother, not a bit.

3 hours ago, Alice said:

If it’s SIL hinting at it, I wouldn’t necessarily blame MIL. We have a relative who will often try and get us to do things for another relative that I don’t think are necesssary. It’s taken me awhile to realize that the issue is with the person who wants us to do stuff, not the person for who we would do the stuff. If that makes any sense. 

It sounds like this is SIL’s issue. If she wants to help MIL, she can do that, if MIL wants the help. But it isn’t up to you to make SIL feel better by being part of it 

I eventually realized many of my issues with my sister were being orchestrated behind the scenes and she wasn't really aware enough to realize what was happening.  and in denial enough to not want to admit what was happening when pointed out.  (it would have required a paradigm shift on her part.)

52 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

BIL’s wife would hint knowing that BIL being the oldest son would benefit the most from his parent’s will (culture reasons). 
 

My in-laws don’t need money. They keep trying to find out household incomes of their children so that they could ask for more spending money for wants (overseas vacation, expensive shopping). They keep asking my husband to buy a larger home and my husband keep telling them no money 😂 We are in Silicon Valley so the no money for a larger home is true. It took 2 unemployment to make my husband say no to majority of their wants. My kids are unhappy that in-laws get gifts which cost hundreds every year but they get rejected for wants (e.g. new tennis balls, new tennis racket grip) that cost less than $10 by my husband.
 

That was why my husband was so willing to relocate to another country. My in-laws kind of demanded that I work because they could “ask” my husband for more money if our household income is double.

I'm wondering if there were cultural reasons  that my brother would think he could send me an email asking for money so he could send his daughter on these extravagant "educational" trips.  while dh was unemployed, while he was trying to start a business . . . . .  

His wife at that time was Columbian, her brother worked for the world bank, and his wife was the daughter of a Japanese ambassador. (and reportedly they would give them money for stuff like that.)

or maybe it's because he's super entitled.