Night Elf Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 So for those of you interested in how I"m doing, I just completed my 6th week of treatment for my eating disorder at a specialized treatment center. I do not see an end in the foreseeable future. I suppose I've made some progress but my thinking is so disordered that my therapist thinks I may have to go up to the next level of care. We're waiting to see if an increase in my anxiety medication will have any effect on me. I live in a perpetual state of anxiety, ranging from low level where I just think of things and worry about them mildly to having physical symptoms and up to actual anxiety attacks. Apparently it's hard for me to start working on my emotional issues with regards to my ED if my anxiety remains high. She didn't give me an actual idea of when the center will decide to escalate my care. She just said we'll wait and see. So I've been working on normalizing my eating. This is much more difficult than I thought at first. I was fine the first month, which is how long I've ever lasted with eating properly and not tracking calories or weighing myself. In the 5th week, things started going downhill. I'm back to restricting most meals and that is not being meal compliant with my treatment plan. It seems so easy to follow... just eat the amount of food they suggest. Right? I wish it was that easy! They're revving up my metabolism. I understand that. The problem is I can't get my mind to stop thinking about how every bite I take is just helping me gain weight. I feel like I'm going to gain a lot of weight before I truly recover and that terrifies me. No amount of their reassurance is making me feel any differently. This is my disordered thinking kicking in. What all of my support team wants me to believe is that I do not have to be skinny to be happy. I hear them. Logically I understand them. I'm just having a difficult time believing it. I'm not skinny anymore and I'm not happy. I don't know how to accept these changes in thoughts and beliefs. Yesterday was a good day. I stayed on meal plan all day. I'm hoping to do the same today. I've been told, I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. I'm determined to change my behaviors as that I have control over. However, I really take it one meal at a time rather than one day at a time. I might eat a proper breakfast but then restrict lunch. It's crazy what my mind is telling me to do. I have Kaiser insurance and I've had staff and peers tell me Kaiser is easy to work with, that they are very lenient and won't cut me off before I am really ready. So we'll see. That's a fear of mine, that my insurance will decide I no longer qualify for services. I can't afford this treatment without the insurance. I know if I was cut off anytime soon, I'd probably go right back into my ED and perhaps even in a harder way because I have a certain amount of weight I'd like to lose to get back to my ideal weight. My DH said if that actually happened, he would see to it that I go back to the center to try again. It seems silly to me. Most days I wish I could quit and just go back to the way I was living before I started trying to fix my ED. So that's where I am right now. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 (((Night Elf))) You demonstrate courage by trying, by facing your personal demons. I'm sorry it is so very hard. Do you feel like the anxiety medication helps at all? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 This specialized program is specifically for eating disorders, correct? Also, have they explored with you the possiblity of OCD as well as the anxiety? OCD requires different treatment, and given that you have had intrusive thoughts in other areas, not just eating, it might be important to be sure you address that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Beth, I admire you so much for your courage in tackling this. Every time you post, I am personally encouraged. Your hard work is an example to me that I can work hard on my needs, too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 I usually don’t tell strangers that I’m proud of them because that seems weird, but girl, I’m seriously proud of you! I’m so happy that you’re getting specialized care. Please know that the hive is cheering for you! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Beth, thank you so much for the update. I am in awe of your strength and determination to conquer this. I've been battling eating disorders for almost 50 years and I could have written so much of your post as far as your feelings and struggles. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you lots of success so you can get your life back. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 I have a close loved one who I’m fairly certain has an Ed. She thinks her relationship with food is normal and healthy, but it’s soooo not. My dh doesn’t get it at all. It’s not so much a Matter of “just needing to eat more.” Beth, good for you for doing this thing. Don’t think too far ahead. Just one foot in front of the other. And I agree mentioning ocd migh help your providers help you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Beth, thank you for your update. You are working so hard and are so strong. Prayers continue as you and your therapist work on a proper protocol. hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 {{{Beth}}} Thank you for updating us...praying for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mominco Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 (((hugs))) Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 We're rooting for you. One step at a time, you will get to a healthier place. 👣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen A Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 It's encouraging to read how hard you are working on getting healthy and having right thinking. Don't let setbacks get you down--your family, friends, and we here at WTM are here to support you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Thanks for the update and for your transparency. I may not post often, but I'm praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 Thanks for the update, Beth - I’m praying for good progress for you!! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 One step at a time, Beth! I am glad you are taking care of yourself. Best wishes to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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