Update on me

[Night Elf]

Eating disorder, work, anxiety and spiritual

I have mini anxiety attacks, meaning slight physical symptoms and lots of worrying, a few times a week despite the medication I'm on. Then occasionally I have a big one. The last big one was last Monday. It was bad enough that it sent me to the hospital because they wanted to make sure I wasn't having cardiac issues. I knew it was anxiety but they wanted to be sure. So I emailed my psychiatrist and she added an additional anxiety medication to my regular meds, and said due to my relapsing with both my eating disorder and my anxiety attacks, she wants me to participate in a partial hospitalization program at a psychiatric hospital. Um.. what? So I looked into it and it can last 1 week to 3 weeks and is 5 days a week from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm. That means whole weeks off work. 

Just to update on my eating disorder, yes I have relapsed more than once, but I've got hope now that I've found my way to the road to recovery. I stopped tracking and weighing December 8th and made it to Tuesday December 31st when I ate 3 donuts in one day and it sent me into a panic. I spent the next two days tracking but my DH wouldn't give me the scale. It's hidden. Then on the morning of the 3rd, I came to my senses and realized I definitely did not want to fall back into my old habits so I got back on track. I'm doing well. I do not feel I need a program as I'm already working through one and have a good support team as long as I'm honest with them.

So I do not feel I need to go to the psychiatric hospital. Instead, I've gone back to my regular out of network counselor. I will be seeing her weekly for anxiety and some monitoring of my progress in my eating disorder. She's not trained in eating disorders but I don't need her to come up with a plan. I've got my plan. I just need support to stay on track.

Work is a source of stress for me. I've been wanting to reduce my hours yet again but have been afraid to talk to my boss about it. So after my counseling yesterday, I did go in and have a meeting with my boss, who is also on my support team for my eating disorder. She's also one of my prayer partners. She cares about me and knows I've been having a rough time. She refuses to allow me to quit and doesn't want to take away my managerial status. She did agree to reducing my hours until I feel ready to increase them again. So I've dropped down from 31 hours a week to 23 hours a week. I'm not excited about getting a much smaller paycheck, but I've got to take care of me for a while. 

I've started an exercise program I'm really enjoying. My next goal is to get back into a cleaning routine ala Flylady. I'll be home longer each day and will have the time, and hopefully , the energy I need to maintain a clean house. The last time I was doing my routine successfully, I was cleaning 15-30 minutes a day. If I have energy back, I will have no problem getting back into that routine.

I'll be 52 years old next week and I feel like my life has gotten off track. I even stopped going to church except when I'm teaching preschoolers some Sunday mornings and on Wednesday evenings. I stopped doing my own Bible study and the one my own Sunday School class was working on. My own spiritual needs were not being met. So here's hoping I can make the necessary changes to get my life back on a peaceful track. I'll be relying on the Holy Spirit a lot! 

[Ottakee]

Sounds like you have a good plan and a good support system.  I find that when I make my spiritual life a priority it helps other things fall into place....not easy, but easier 

[PrincessMommy]

It sounds like a very good plan and I'm glad you've found options that won't include whole weeks in the hospital.  What a blessing to have an understanding and helpful boss.

prayers and hugs

[math teacher]

Best of luck to you-prayers and hugs

[readinmom]

Praying for you, and some giant hugs...

[J-rap]

I'm always impressed with how self-aware you seem to be about how you're doing, and how supportive your husband is.  You take care!!

[itsheresomewhere]

It sounds more like an outpatient program might be more helpful than you think.  There are many types of outpatient programs and not all meet everyday.  So you could get a bit of extra help with fresh eyes and not have to miss work.  The therapists there might even have one you connect with more on eating disorders. I also wonder just from your post if you have considered a bit of depression.  It sounds like it may be creeping in more than you realize and that can contribute to the setbacks more and impact more areas in your life.  And I know I mention this before but is it time to reconsider the medicines you are on?  Sometimes they just don’t work as well as they did and you need to try something different. 

[Jentrovert]

3 hours ago, J-rap said:

I'm always impressed with how self-aware you seem to be about how you're doing, and how supportive your husband is.  You take care!!

Me too. We have several friends with various mental health issues (and at various times and ways, ourselves) and none seem to be as self-aware and proactive as you are. It is really something to be thankful for, along with your husband. Your posts have been encouraging to me.

[moonflower]

I think that given the appearance of symptoms/anxiety/ocd-ish-ness across multiple areas of life (work, religion, eating, anxiety attacks, etc.) it probably makes sense to try the treatment program your psychiatrist recommended.

[unsinkable]

Maybe I read your dates wrong...But you said you've spent much of December going back and forth struggling with your eating issues and it is only the last couple days you've been OK. And other areas of your life you self describe as being off track.

But then you are going AMA about the outpatient program. And you were shocked the doc recommended it. 

It seems like your clinging to an illusion of control that what you are doing is working but it isn't really helping you...

And that you recognize on some level it isn't helping but then hit a wall of denial on another level.

Random advice from internet stranger based on reading your posts for years: Do the outpatient program for the longest possible time they allow.

 

[MercyA]

Thanks so much for the update. I was wondering how you were doing. It's such a blessing to have a supportive and understanding husband when dealing with mental issues. Ask me how I know. 😉 

I remember you mentioning this boss before, and, honestly, I would not assume that she is acting in your best interests. I think her intentions are probably good, but, based on what you've said before, I don't trust her to give you wise advice. You getting better is more important than you working, if you don't need to work to afford the basics.

More fellowship with other believers is a good idea. Just remember that remaining close to Jesus through prayer and Bible study are more important than any church activities you may or may not be involved in. I personally haven't seen any obvious signs of religious scrupulosity in your posts (and I had it as a child and young adult), but it's something to watch out for. 

Here's hoping your new med will help significantly. If it doesn't, have it tweaked! 

Hugs and prayers. 

Edited January 5, 2020 by MercyA

[catz]

22 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

 

Random advice from internet stranger based on reading your posts for years: Do the outpatient program for the longest possible time they allow.

 

Agree.  You have been posting about this regularly as a struggle for years.  I'd look at that treatment suggestion as an opportunity and a gift.  

[Night Elf]

8 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Maybe I read your dates wrong...But you said you've spent much of December going back and forth struggling with your eating issues and it is only the last couple days you've been OK. And other areas of your life you self describe as being off track.

But then you are going AMA about the outpatient program. And you were shocked the doc recommended it. 

It seems like your clinging to an illusion of control that what you are doing is working but it isn't really helping you...

And that you recognize on some level it isn't helping but then hit a wall of denial on another level.

Random advice from internet stranger based on reading your posts for years: Do the outpatient program for the longest possible time they allow.

 

No, I've been doing well with my eating plan. I'm eating more variety and larger portions. I'm not counting calories or measuring my food. I'm not weighing myself. On Dec. 31st, I ate 3 donuts at work and some other stuff and then panicked that I had put too much in my body at one time. So I ate a small dinner and didn't have a bedtime snack. I tracked all day on Jan. 1st and ate 1200 calories. I started tracking on Thursday the 2nd but by lunch, I knew I'd never make it all day. I continued to track but I ate more that day than the day before. At bedtime, I was hungry and in prayer, I realized (I prefer to say I had a God moment) that I was falling back into my old patterns and I didn't want to do that, not after how well things had been going. So I ate the snack I really wanted and didn't track it. Instead, I deleted My Fitness Pal again. The morning of the 3rd, I was thinking of what I really wanted to do just to be sure I wasn't making a spur of the moment decision. I talked to DH and he agreed I was falling back into my old pattern so I stopped thinking about it and went about my day. I've been fine since. I didn't even cringe today when I had both pizza and a PBJ for lunch. 

I haven't had a chance to check in with my psychiatrist about my current eating plan. She doesn't monitor me. We rarely discuss it. She only diagnosed me based on an email I had sent her once asking for a referral to a dietician because I was binging and restricting and was ready to eat normally again. So I don't consider my psychiatrist a current help at all to be honest. The reason she said I relapsed was because I sent her an email some time in November asking her the name of the eating disorder clinics she recommended as I wanted to look at their programs. I should have been more specific. What I was looking for was their resources list. I wanted to see book recommendations. I wasn't interested in participating in their programs. I did get the book recs I needed and that put me on my current eating plan.

I do not feel I'm under an illusion of control. I do not feel a need to control my food like I did when I was in the thick of the problem. In 2019, I alternated between tracking and not tracking, weighing and not weighing. I never went below 1500 calories which was the number given to me by the dietician I saw in 2018. I think I'm doing extremely well. Relapses are part of the road to recovery and each time I relapsed I got back on track. This latest time was the easiest to get back on track. So no, I don't think I need anyone trained in eating disorders to monitor my progress. 

As for the rest of my life, it's my anxiety that is affecting it all. All I need is therapy by a trained therapist. I do not feel I need a partial hospitalization program to do that. I don't see how sitting in a group will help me learn to cope. My weighted blanket still helps and a long hot bath. My current therapist is going to go more in detail about anxiety when we meet again next week. For now she reminded me to focus on my breathing like meditation. I haven't been doing that so I'm working on it this week.

Hope that helps clear some things up.

[Night Elf]

Just curious, a few of you mentioned my boss. What in my post did I say that raised a red flag for you? She is nothing but supportive in everything I'm doing. The only thing she is refusing is about me quitting my job because she knows working is good for me. DH thinks the same thing. Neither of them want me sitting at home all day doing nothing. She also won't take my managerial status away from me just because I'm reducing my hours. She has no problem giving me the time off if I need to go into the partial hospitalization program. I explained to her that I wanted to put it off while I dealt with my mammogram issues and had a few meetings with my out of network therapist. I don't see anything negative she's doing or saying right now. 

[unsinkable]

Well, Beth, I don't know what to say. 

Many people here feel a kind of tenderness or concern for you and your struggles, including me.

Maybe it is bc you've been here so long or bc it appears you are so open. Or bc we see ourselves in what seems like a 2 steps up, 1 step back struggle that might not be eating disorders or anxieties but other things that are painful and debilitating.

I wish you the best healthful healing however it happens.

 

[Annie G]

Your employer seems way too involved in your life- there’s a fine line between supporting you and telling you how to recover. At times she has appeared to cross that line.  

You only stopped tracking for a little over three weeks before relapsing, and it’s been a struggle for years.

You don’t have enough energy to do housework for 15-30 minutes a day. That seems concerning. Depression or something else?

You’re having anxiety attacks. 

This is why so many of us are encouraging you to consider the program recommended to you. Because we care and we know how much you want to feel better. 
 

Wishing you all the best. 

[MercyA]

Forgive me if I'm remembering wrong, but wasn't this the boss who was trying to imply that your eating disorder was someone connected to your spiritual life? That you needed more faith or some such nonsense? Eating disorders are NOT spiritual problems, and if she was trying to imply that they are, she was not being helpful. In fact I would call that sort of thinking harmful.

And it's not her business to say she's not going to let you quit. 

Her letting you work the hours you want and take time off and keep your managerial status is super helpful and kind. Kudos to her for that, really. But that doesn't mean she is giving you entirely good advice all the time, KWIM?

Edited January 5, 2020 by MercyA

[Anne]

Just want to say that I am praying for you, Beth!

Anne

[itsheresomewhere]

5 hours ago, Night Elf said:

No, I've been doing well with my eating plan. I'm eating more variety and larger portions. I'm not counting calories or measuring my food. I'm not weighing myself. On Dec. 31st, I ate 3 donuts at work and some other stuff and then panicked that I had put too much in my body at one time. So I ate a small dinner and didn't have a bedtime snack. I tracked all day on Jan. 1st and ate 1200 calories. I started tracking on Thursday the 2nd but by lunch, I knew I'd never make it all day. I continued to track but I ate more that day than the day before. At bedtime, I was hungry and in prayer, I realized (I prefer to say I had a God moment) that I was falling back into my old patterns and I didn't want to do that, not after how well things had been going. So I ate the snack I really wanted and didn't track it. Instead, I deleted My Fitness Pal again. The morning of the 3rd, I was thinking of what I really wanted to do just to be sure I wasn't making a spur of the moment decision. I talked to DH and he agreed I was falling back into my old pattern so I stopped thinking about it and went about my day. I've been fine since. I didn't even cringe today when I had both pizza and a PBJ for lunch. 

I haven't had a chance to check in with my psychiatrist about my current eating plan. She doesn't monitor me. We rarely discuss it. She only diagnosed me based on an email I had sent her once asking for a referral to a dietician because I was binging and restricting and was ready to eat normally again. So I don't consider my psychiatrist a current help at all to be honest. The reason she said I relapsed was because I sent her an email some time in November asking her the name of the eating disorder clinics she recommended as I wanted to look at their programs. I should have been more specific. What I was looking for was their resources list. I wanted to see book recommendations. I wasn't interested in participating in their programs. I did get the book recs I needed and that put me on my current eating plan.

I do not feel I'm under an illusion of control. I do not feel a need to control my food like I did when I was in the thick of the problem. In 2019, I alternated between tracking and not tracking, weighing and not weighing. I never went below 1500 calories which was the number given to me by the dietician I saw in 2018. I think I'm doing extremely well. Relapses are part of the road to recovery and each time I relapsed I got back on track. This latest time was the easiest to get back on track. So no, I don't think I need anyone trained in eating disorders to monitor my progress. 

As for the rest of my life, it's my anxiety that is affecting it all. All I need is therapy by a trained therapist. I do not feel I need a partial hospitalization program to do that. I don't see how sitting in a group will help me learn to cope. My weighted blanket still helps and a long hot bath. My current therapist is going to go more in detail about anxiety when we meet again next week. For now she reminded me to focus on my breathing like meditation. I haven't been doing that so I'm working on it this week.

Hope that helps clear some things up.

You know that saying you are too close to the situation to see the picture.  It applies here. Do the outpatient program even if it is a different one than recommended.  A program could lead you to a therapist who can handle the eating disorder along with the anxiety.  Give it a shot.   

[Arctic Bunny]

I have a friend who out of the blue ended up in an inpatient program. I’m not suggesting that, but it’s my closest experience to an outpatient program. Having that time to focus, to listen, to learn coping skills.... she found it invaluable. To explore how/why this happened, to recognize parts of her life that she needed to change.... Even the power she gained over her life, in a way.

When I was suffering from anxiety and depression and didn’t know it, I wish someone had followed through with professional assistance.

[Night Elf]

11 hours ago, Annie G said:

You don’t have enough energy to do housework for 15-30 minutes a day. That seems concerning. Depression or something else?

 

Oh no, that's purely laziness! I "CAN" do the work, I just don't want to do it. I say I don't have energy but that's not the truth. I just prefer to sleep and read. I thought I'd have the motivation to do it in the mornings before I had to go in for noon but I was never in the mood to do it. I clean some parts of my house several days a week but never a good thorough cleaning. Then there is stuff that should be done weekly, i.e. bathrooms. Or daily, i.e. kitchen. DH helps a great deal but he fell down some time in November and got a slight compression fracture and he's unable to help with the housework as much. So rather than stepping up and just getting it done, I've continued to procrastinate. I just don't like housework. Now, I'll do laundry all day long! That's always been my favorite chore.

No, I don't think I"m depressed. I don't feel down about anything, not even my disordered eating. Things are just happening the way they are and I'm trying to roll with them. I know what depression feels like. I"ve got bipolar 2 and used to suffer terribly with depression. No, I don't feel hopeless or worthless or anything negative like that. I do feel exasperated sometimes! Like why can't I just become a normal person but DH reminds me there is no such thing as one normal. 🙂

Oh, and I take morning naps on most days because my dippy dog wakes up around 5:00 am ready to eat and go outside. I can't begin my day that early every day. So I'm not sleeping due to depression. I'm just lacking in sleep!