Venty, vent, vent....

[TheReader]

Feel free to comment if you must/want/need. 

Two things. One just "ugh" and the other "ummm, really????" 

One -- I'm sitting 5 hrs from home caring for my mom (keeping her company, really) in her post-surgery state, when I would much rather be at home spending time with my boys. My oldest just got home yesterday (after I left) from his summer camp job, and will be home until the 18th (unless he decides not to return) when he goes back to college. My middle leaves on the 12th for orientation, then his home for an overnight and then moves into his dorm on the 15th. I'd much rather be with them these 3 days, but.....my mom needed me, so here I am. 

Only, I just found out, my sister actually offered to come, and my mom told her it was covered. Even though she knew all of the above. Even though I had to insist on leaving tomorrow vs Sunday or Monday (because also on Monday I have parent orientation for the homeschool enrichment classes I teach) so I can fit in everything and at least have *some* time with my middle son before he leaves. 

I'm trying not to be overly annoyed by that; I'm here, it's too late to change it, nothing to do now, etc. Just....ugh. 

The other thing, though -- I don't know what to think &/or say &/or do about this. Thoughts on this one most welcome, please. 

My sister has a daughter also going to college (she leaves a week after my son). My dad & his wife called her up out of the blue and offered "what does she still need for her dorm/apt at school" and when my sister replied "kitchen stuff," sent her $200 worth of pots, pans, dishes, etc.  My dad relayed all this to me in a conversation we were having about my sister (I had mentioned that I felt bad we weren't going to be able to do our normal "take the college kid shopping" thing with my niece, b/c we have 2 going ourselves this year, and as we were delaying medical stuff for both DH & I, we just couldn't spend that amount on my niece at this time; my Dad shared the above with me as a way for me not to worry, "Oh, don't worry, we sent her..."). 

Well, that didn't feel super great, because when our oldest first went, and now with our middle son going, they sent neither of them anything towards their dorms/apts, but whatever. 

Then I got a call from my stepmom asking what our son still needed, "because at this point we have a virtual store in the basement full of stuff we could send."  I suggested the mattress pad/topper as the only thing we still didn't have, and she replied, "Oh, we can get that for him."  The way she phrased it, I wasn't clear if it was coming from their pile of stuff in the basement, and if so, was it used stuff or stuff she'd previously bought at Black Friday and such and hadn't gifted anyone yet (she does that, as well). 

It arrived today, and DH sent me pics of at least three large and gross stains on it. It is a mattress pad and then a mattress cover, 2 separate things, and DH says maybe the mattress pad is salvageable, but not the cover probably. 

But either way, not only were we clearly an afterthought, we don't even warrant unstained items.  (and this is not a money thing; she's very literally a trust fund kid). Now, possibly they sent pots, pans, dishes, etc., *also* from the basement, but stepmom specified to me "I'd make this offer to your sister, but she'd turn her nose up at it..." so i suspect they were new items that got sent to her. And honestly, it's not so much that it's used, except.....stained??? And that it wasn't even offered in the first place until after my dad let slip that they'd given the other grandchild $200 worth of stuff, so now they kind of "had to" send something. And now we still (probably) have to buy the thing anyway, because....stained?? Really? Just....no. 

Anyway, between finding out I could actually be at home with my boys, and then finding out the afterthought mattress topper gift was not only an afterthought but a stained mess of an afterthought.....just feeling pretty crapped on. 

Would you say anything to dad/stepmom about this? She's the sort who will expect a thank you note.....how do you write a thank-you note when you're going to have to still buy the item you're thanking them for??? 

 

 

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, TheReader said:

Feel free to comment if you must/want/need. 

Two things. One just "ugh" and the other "ummm, really????" 

One -- I'm sitting 5 hrs from home caring for my mom (keeping her company, really) in her post-surgery state, when I would much rather be at home spending time with my boys. My oldest just got home yesterday (after I left) from his summer camp job, and will be home until the 18th (unless he decides not to return) when he goes back to college. My middle leaves on the 12th for orientation, then his home for an overnight and then moves into his dorm on the 15th. I'd much rather be with them these 3 days, but.....my mom needed me, so here I am. 

Only, I just found out, my sister actually offered to come, and my mom told her it was covered. Even though she knew all of the above. Even though I had to insist on leaving tomorrow vs Sunday or Monday (because also on Monday I have parent orientation for the homeschool enrichment classes I teach) so I can fit in everything and at least have *some* time with my middle son before he leaves. 

I'm trying not to be overly annoyed by that; I'm here, it's too late to change it, nothing to do now, etc. Just....ugh. 

The other thing, though -- I don't know what to think &/or say &/or do about this. Thoughts on this one most welcome, please. 

My sister has a daughter also going to college (she leaves a week after my son). My dad & his wife called her up out of the blue and offered "what does she still need for her dorm/apt at school" and when my sister replied "kitchen stuff," sent her $200 worth of pots, pans, dishes, etc.  My dad relayed all this to me in a conversation we were having about my sister (I had mentioned that I felt bad we weren't going to be able to do our normal "take the college kid shopping" thing with my niece, b/c we have 2 going ourselves this year, and as we were delaying medical stuff for both DH & I, we just couldn't spend that amount on my niece at this time; my Dad shared the above with me as a way for me not to worry, "Oh, don't worry, we sent her..."). 

Well, that didn't feel super great, because when our oldest first went, and now with our middle son going, they sent neither of them anything towards their dorms/apts, but whatever. 

Then I got a call from my stepmom asking what our son still needed, "because at this point we have a virtual store in the basement full of stuff we could send."  I suggested the mattress pad/topper as the only thing we still didn't have, and she replied, "Oh, we can get that for him."  The way she phrased it, I wasn't clear if it was coming from their pile of stuff in the basement, and if so, was it used stuff or stuff she'd previously bought at Black Friday and such and hadn't gifted anyone yet (she does that, as well). 

It arrived today, and DH sent me pics of at least three large and gross stains on it. It is a mattress pad and then a mattress cover, 2 separate things, and DH says maybe the mattress pad is salvageable, but not the cover probably. 

But either way, not only were we clearly an afterthought, we don't even warrant unstained items.  (and this is not a money thing; she's very literally a trust fund kid). Now, possibly they sent pots, pans, dishes, etc., *also* from the basement, but stepmom specified to me "I'd make this offer to your sister, but she'd turn her nose up at it..." so i suspect they were new items that got sent to her. And honestly, it's not so much that it's used, except.....stained??? And that it wasn't even offered in the first place until after my dad let slip that they'd given the other grandchild $200 worth of stuff, so now they kind of "had to" send something. And now we still (probably) have to buy the thing anyway, because....stained?? Really? Just....no. 

Anyway, between finding out I could actually be at home with my boys, and then finding out the afterthought mattress topper gift was not only an afterthought but a stained mess of an afterthought.....just feeling pretty crapped on. 

Would you say anything to dad/stepmom about this? She's the sort who will expect a thank you note.....how do you write a thank-you note when you're going to have to still buy the item you're thanking them for??? 

 

 

I would send a cheery text, 'thank you so much for thinking of ds's needs for college!  🙂  Unfortunately it was too stained up to use--which I am sure you didn't realize when you sent it.'

If nothing else it might keep her from sending you stained up crap in the future.  Ugh.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Scarlett

[Moonhawk]

{{{{hug}}}} That's a lot going on over the next few days, plus the situation that your dad and stepmom have added to the mix.  No real advice but a definite hug and well wish for you, I hope you get to have a great couple of days with both of your sons before they leave.

[Lady Marmalade]

My IL's started asking in April if there was anything they could send DD for college.  DH offered a few suggestions, but highly recommended they send Amazon gift cards that DD could put towards the purchase of a laptop for school.  (She really doesn't have a lot of needs for school.) They didn't really like that for some reason.   

Then they got really hung up on not wanting to send money in some way, but could not stop asking about a way to put money towards her dining plan or textbook purchases.   Thoughtful? Sure.  Except that her dining plan is 100% paid for by financial aid plus she's actually working FOR the dining program so she already has a perk of a significant amount of extra dining money she can utilize.  I'm certain she won't use it all during the course of the year.  Textbooks are also 100% covered. 

So instead they sent a cheap pen that they'd had engraved with her name.  It looks like the kind of pen that a much older Mary Kay consultant would have- right down to the shade of pink.  It's abnormally shaped and sized and the kicker is... it doesn't even work. And since the pen is a super awkward shape and size there's no point even searching for replacement ink. She'll never use it.

Two years ago when DN went to college he got the royal treatment.  IL's went for a visit and took him shopping and bought him all kinds of things for the dorm room.  And then when he messed up something with ordering his books they sent money to help cover the extra cost.  DN's family is affluent and college is not a hardship for them. 

DD got a pen that doesn't work. And a few days after it came they wanted to know where the thank you card was. 

But, I think I'm glad they didn't send an icky stained mattress pad.  🙂

[hjffkj]

I'm sorry you are dealing with that.  I would be tempted to say, "thank you for the mattress topper and cover but it is too stained to use so we'll have to find another one.  Would you like us to return this one to you?" 

I wouldn't say anything else to them about the clear uneven treatment because the reality is they get to decide how to spend there money. My parents have 7 kids and 20 grandchildren.  They like doing things for everyone but the value is never equal and sometimes mom does weird things like give one kid a really nice new gift and the other kid a crappy thing from Goodwill. She doesn't mean anything by it, all it means in our family is that she was in two very different mental states when she purchased each item and for whatever reason thought that crappy toy was the perfect gift in that moment, with no regard for what other gifts she has already gotten people.

[TheReader]

running my mom to the store, so will be back to reply in a bit, but thank you all for your thoughts, truly. 

Erika, I'm sorry you get it on the level that you do. ((hugs))

All of you, thank you for helping me, gently, reset my attitude about it all. 

[Lecka]

Oh, no, I am sorry.

I have not had a situation like the hospital stay, I wonder if you are the oldest?  I am the youngest and my oldest sister is thought of more often, even though there’s no reason for it.

I have however had a situation where a grandparent slights my kids and then wants to have conversations with me about what all he is doing for my nieces.  At this point in life I will usually try to just change the conversation.  I think it’s rude as anything, but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it!  I don’t technically limit contact but actually I do the bare minimum I think is acceptable.  When my kids were younger I made a lot more effort, but this pattern has been going on since my oldest was a toddler.  

Edited August 9, 2019 by Lecka

[TheReader]

48 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

I haven’t read the replies, but if I were you, I’d be calling my sister and telling her you have an emergency at home and she needs to come take over babysitting your mom. Seriously. 

It's way too far. By the time my sister got here, and I got home, I might as well just stay tonight as planned. If I'd found this out before I came....I would have. 

[catz]

I would let your sister know that in the future she should talk to you directly when it comes to issues that also directly affect you.  I had a similar situation with my brother recently and we were both mad.  But it was really more of a case of our mother not quite relaying information as accurately as she should have.  She is of sound mind but kind of has tunnel vision about some things.  If your parents have other stuff they need assistance with, I'd just call and talk to her directly about schedules and conflicts with your sister and issues and not assume aging parents are relaying information accurately.  If your mom says your sister has it covered, call her directly and verify that with her.   Ask your sister to do the same.

As far as playing favorites, I would not trust Mr. Virtual Store about $200 in merchandise.  Just because something you picked up on an end cap has a $200 original price tag on it doesn't mean it's actually worth anything near that.  I would say the mattress cover was stained and unusable and ask if they want it back.  If you were doing dorm shopping trips before, maybe they thought you enjoyed that.  And he may have thought you would have found it comforting that niece was covered so he may have inflated the value with that in mind since you were feeling bad about it.  Since they called specifically to ask if your son needed anything, I would assume no ill will.

My mom literally owns a part of my brother's family house to make his mortgage more manageable.  So I totally get the playing favorites.  It's just done me no good to stew and focus on it.  My mom absolutely thinks she was just helping my brother in a crises and doesn't see it as playing favorites.  Even though it's been years and he hasn't offered to buy her out.  She did give my son heading off to college soon a nice monetary gift and we otherwise have a pretty good relationship.  I just know it would get me nowhere 

Edited August 9, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, TheReader said:

, I just found out, my sister actually offered to come, and my mom told her it was covered.  --- is there a reason (legitimate or not) your mom would prefer you to be with her after surgery?  a reason to not "bother" your sister?  or to just tick you off?

I and offered "what does she still need for her dorm/apt at school" and when my sister replied "kitchen stuff," sent her $200 worth of pots, pans, dishes, etc.  My dad relayed all this to me in a conversation we were having about my sister (I had mentioned that I felt bad we weren't going to be able to do our normal "take the college kid shopping" thing with my niece, b/c we have 2 going ourselves this year, and as we were delaying medical stuff for both DH & I, we just couldn't spend that amount on my niece at this time; my Dad shared the above with me as a way for me not to worry, "Oh, don't worry, we sent her..."). ….. - do your normally take nieces/nephews dorm shopping to help them out?  are you better off financially then your sister?  or do they just think you are?  (I had that one.  only I would get volunteered to foot bills, when we were struggling.)

Well, that didn't feel super great, because when our oldest first went, and now with our middle son going, they sent neither of them anything towards their dorms/apts, but whatever. … when 2ds was born, my mom gave my $300 for baby items.  my sister whined about how she didn't get anything as a baby gift from our mother. . . . um, three years of diaper service isn't "nothing".  - that wasn't a gift.  

 

 

Would you say anything to dad/stepmom about this? She's the sort who will expect a thank you note.....how do you write a thank-you note when you're going to have to still buy the item you're thanking them for??? 

 

 

I would grab the bull by the horns.  send a note and thank them for the thinking of your son and how much you appreciate the though, and let them know you're sure they didn't notice the items were stained  (iow: extend "grace".) - but you had to dispose of them because of their poor condition.  you acknowledge the 'gift', and also, subtly, let her know you know it was used (and gross) and you're not using it.

it's how to be excruciatingly polite while letting someone know you're not blind.

[TheReader]

I do think I'm reading the favoritism aspect correctly in this case, but all of you are right -- I shouldn't stew over it, as that does no one any good. Very true. 

With my sister & my mom.....you know, there is definitely the possibility that mom didn't communicate clearly. Or that my sister is exaggerating whatever she said when she claims she offered to come help. Or both. And in all honesty, if I'd never known that, I would not have been annoyed. It's been good being here, surprisingly. My boys got time together w/o the oldest feeling guilty for not hanging out with me, and I got time to work on some school stuff uninterrupted, neither of which would have happened if I'd been at home. 

And my sister has a DD going to college just a week later, as well, and lives even farther away, so even though she offered....it's really less practical anyway. Now, I still may mention at a later date to one or both of them that I really need all the info before something like this, but that can wait till another time. 

DH did think we should send back the mattress topper; I don't know, that seems like it will fan the flames, as well as be rather costly in the first place. I like Scarlett's suggested reply/text/thank you card wording, so I'll likely use something like that. Stepmom will want/expect a thank-you card, so.....something has to go in it. 

Anyway, thank you all. I feel a lot better and appreciate you all being kind to me even as you direct me back to better attitudes. 

[happi duck]

Like others, I'd send it back. 

[TheReader]

3 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I would grab the bull by the horns.  send a note and thank them for the thinking of your son and how much you appreciate the though, and let them know you're sure they didn't notice the items were stained  (iow: extend "grace".) - but you had to dispose of them because of their poor condition.  you acknowledge the 'gift', and also, subtly, let her know you know it was used (and gross) and you're not using it.

it's how to be excruciatingly polite while letting someone know you're not blind.

Thanks, that's a good way to word it. 

I can't figure out how to make the part where you quoted me show up, but...

....there are legit reasons to have me come vs my sister, mainly distance. She is 3 hrs further away than I am. 

....yes, I normally have taken my sister's kids dorm shopping, and yes, we are better off than they are financially, and yes, that explains why they sent stuff to my niece but not my son. Which I "get", and we were laughing over when the offer came in to send the mattress topper......but when it arrived stained so badly, it just felt.....not lovely.  Had it arrived clean/unstained, we'd still just laugh it off, and once we are over the initial sting of it, we'll likely laugh again (DH is already planning hilariously terrible Christmas gifts for them....)

 

[TheReader]

3 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Like others, I'd send it back. 

See, I just do not even want to spend the $ to do that. But DH suggested the same thing. We'll see. 

[Junie]

2 hours ago, TheReader said:

Feel free to comment if you must/want/need. 

Two things. One just "ugh" and the other "ummm, really????" 

One -- I'm sitting 5 hrs from home caring for my mom (keeping her company, really) in her post-surgery state, when I would much rather be at home spending time with my boys. My oldest just got home yesterday (after I left) from his summer camp job, and will be home until the 18th (unless he decides not to return) when he goes back to college. My middle leaves on the 12th for orientation, then his home for an overnight and then moves into his dorm on the 15th. I'd much rather be with them these 3 days, but.....my mom needed me, so here I am. 

Only, I just found out, my sister actually offered to come, and my mom told her it was covered. Even though she knew all of the above. Even though I had to insist on leaving tomorrow vs Sunday or Monday (because also on Monday I have parent orientation for the homeschool enrichment classes I teach) so I can fit in everything and at least have *some* time with my middle son before he leaves. 

I'm trying not to be overly annoyed by that; I'm here, it's too late to change it, nothing to do now, etc. Just....ugh. 

The other thing, though -- I don't know what to think &/or say &/or do about this. Thoughts on this one most welcome, please. 

My sister has a daughter also going to college (she leaves a week after my son). My dad & his wife called her up out of the blue and offered "what does she still need for her dorm/apt at school" and when my sister replied "kitchen stuff," sent her $200 worth of pots, pans, dishes, etc.  My dad relayed all this to me in a conversation we were having about my sister (I had mentioned that I felt bad we weren't going to be able to do our normal "take the college kid shopping" thing with my niece, b/c we have 2 going ourselves this year, and as we were delaying medical stuff for both DH & I, we just couldn't spend that amount on my niece at this time; my Dad shared the above with me as a way for me not to worry, "Oh, don't worry, we sent her..."). 

Well, that didn't feel super great, because when our oldest first went, and now with our middle son going, they sent neither of them anything towards their dorms/apts, but whatever. 

Then I got a call from my stepmom asking what our son still needed, "because at this point we have a virtual store in the basement full of stuff we could send."  I suggested the mattress pad/topper as the only thing we still didn't have, and she replied, "Oh, we can get that for him."  The way she phrased it, I wasn't clear if it was coming from their pile of stuff in the basement, and if so, was it used stuff or stuff she'd previously bought at Black Friday and such and hadn't gifted anyone yet (she does that, as well). 

It arrived today, and DH sent me pics of at least three large and gross stains on it. It is a mattress pad and then a mattress cover, 2 separate things, and DH says maybe the mattress pad is salvageable, but not the cover probably. 

But either way, not only were we clearly an afterthought, we don't even warrant unstained items.  (and this is not a money thing; she's very literally a trust fund kid). Now, possibly they sent pots, pans, dishes, etc., *also* from the basement, but stepmom specified to me "I'd make this offer to your sister, but she'd turn her nose up at it..." so i suspect they were new items that got sent to her. And honestly, it's not so much that it's used, except.....stained??? And that it wasn't even offered in the first place until after my dad let slip that they'd given the other grandchild $200 worth of stuff, so now they kind of "had to" send something. And now we still (probably) have to buy the thing anyway, because....stained?? Really? Just....no. 

Anyway, between finding out I could actually be at home with my boys, and then finding out the afterthought mattress topper gift was not only an afterthought but a stained mess of an afterthought.....just feeling pretty crapped on. 

Would you say anything to dad/stepmom about this? She's the sort who will expect a thank you note.....how do you write a thank-you note when you're going to have to still buy the item you're thanking them for??? 

 

 

You have gotten some really good advice from the others.

The part that I bolded stuck out to me.  Of course, you know your family better than a bunch of strangers on the internet, but this part makes me believe that you might secretly be the favorite.

I'm sorry for the difficult situations.

[Jentrovert]

Agreeing mostly with everyone else, except that I would just say thank you for the gift and let it go at that.  I wouldn't send it back or let them know it is stained. It's not an item they'll expect to see at any point, so there wouldn't be a reason to inform them that it won't be used. My head would be shaking as I tossed it, but I'd just let it go.

On the subject of unevenness in gifts, sometimes it might be other than favoritism. I'm thinking in particular of a close relative who loaned me the money for my first car. They no doubt intended to do the same for my brother, but when it was time for his car (just a couple years later) they had declined markedly, both mentally and physically, and had made some poor financial decisions. They weren't in a position to do the same. It wasn't a reflection of favoritism, it was different circumstances at different times. 

I know this isn't the same situation as OP, the talk about favoritism just made me remember that. 

[Lecka]

Look — if this is part of a pattern of behavior, you can’t change it.

Any way you respond can be taken poorly, seen as petty, seen as “why we prefer the other one,” even if you are responding in a totally appropriate way.  

It’s not worth the effort.

Do whatever is minimal and feels right to you.  

They will always have some way it makes sense to justify their actions and think you are the one who is unreasonable.

If it’s not part of a pattern of behavior — I would honestly just drop it and say “thank you.”  

If it’s part of a pattern of behavior then that is just how they are choosing to act, and they feel some kind of justification or entitlement to act that way.  

Edited August 10, 2019 by Lecka

[TheReader]

58 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Look — if this is part of a pattern of behavior, you can’t change it.

Any way you respond can be taken poorly, seen as petty, seen as “why we prefer the other one,” even if you are responding in a totally appropriate way.  

It’s not worth the effort.

Do whatever is minimal and feels right to you.  

They will always have some way it makes sense to justify their actions and think you are the one who is unreasonable.

If it’s not part of a pattern of behavior — I would honestly just drop it and say “thank you.”  

If it’s part of a pattern of behavior then that is just how they are choosing to act, and they feel some kind of justification or entitlement to act that way.  

I know that you are 100% right, on all counts. 

Thanks for writing it out, though; it does help to see it in black & white. 

[PrincessMommy]

No advice, but hugs.  I'm sorry for both things.  Hope you have a nice time with your boys before they go off to college. 

 

[KathyBC]

8 hours ago, TheReader said:

Feel free to comment if you must/want/need. 

Two things. One just "ugh" and the other "ummm, really????" 

One -- I'm sitting 5 hrs from home caring for my mom (keeping her company, really) in her post-surgery state, when I would much rather be at home spending time with my boys. My oldest just got home yesterday (after I left) from his summer camp job, and will be home until the 18th (unless he decides not to return) when he goes back to college. My middle leaves on the 12th for orientation, then his home for an overnight and then moves into his dorm on the 15th. I'd much rather be with them these 3 days, but.....my mom needed me, so here I am. 

Only, I just found out, my sister actually offered to come, and my mom told her it was covered. Even though she knew all of the above. Even though I had to insist on leaving tomorrow vs Sunday or Monday (because also on Monday I have parent orientation for the homeschool enrichment classes I teach) so I can fit in everything and at least have *some* time with my middle son before he leaves. 

 

I could *so* see this happening in my world. Events like this one is why my siblings and I now keep in touch ourselves (we have a facebook chat group), not just with our parents.

[katilac]

On 8/9/2019 at 5:04 PM, TheReader said:

See, I just do not even want to spend the $ to do that. But DH suggested the same thing. We'll see. 

No way would I spend money to send it! That would send me over the edge, lol. 

It stinks when people play favorites. Why hurt people's feelings like that? 😕

[TheReader]

11 hours ago, katilac said:

No way would I spend money to send it! That would send me over the edge, lol. 

It stinks when people play favorites. Why hurt people's feelings like that? 😕

Thanks; I do get it, in this case (MIL is the same with SIL) -- it's to do with us being able to take care of ourselves, and our respective siblings, not. I don't think either parent realizes though that it comes across as straight, unfounded favoritism at times and to the kids. And that yes, even though we understand the logic, it can still sting. 

I do know it's not intentional, and that (usually) helps.