Need advice/opinions about dd who has no idea what she wants to do

[Kassia]

Please don't quote

 

 

 

Edited January 30, 2019 by Kassia

[katilac]

Researching and visiting colleges is not a waste of time and money even if it all it does it confirm that she does not want to attend.  My youngest initially planned to go to college only bc full-time work was the alternative, lol. Even though she had been on quite a few visits with her sister (2 years ahead of her), doing her own college visits really created a sense of excitement. I wouldn't be flying her across the country, but a couple of road trips would not go amiss. I knew that my youngest would end up local (on campus but very, very local, lol) but it seemed only fair for her to have the same college visit experiences that her sister did. 

I'd personally go ahead and require a couple of applications, preferably ones that would allow her to take a gap year and keep scholarships. As it would be my requirement, I'd do the application. This would be to save my sanity in case she changes her mind. 

Think about what you are and aren't willing to do as a parent, and make sure she's aware of that. In other words, when does your offer to help with college end? Now? At 20? 23? I personally want to have an end date for when my major financial responsibilities to my kids end. I'm perfectly willing to offer help and even financial support to a young adult who chooses work over college, but four years living on campus is a limited-time offer at my house. 

If you have been trying to persuade her that college is the way to go, I'd stop that now. I'd require that information be gathered on both college and jobs/careers, because she needs to know that, but I'd step back for a few months and see if some of her reluctance is perhaps fueled by typical teen contrariness. Also, if she truly does not want to attend, that's a legit decision, she just needs to know the facts. 

Stupid board ate part of my reply . . . I was saying something very smart about requiring research into jobs/careers with a high school diploma or two-year degree. Although I'd probably discourage going straight into CC, bc that is going to knock out the potential for incoming freshman scholarships should she change her mind. Have her work instead (after graduation). 

My kids both have anxiety, so I know how that goes. I basically feel like they are better off knowing the cold, hard facts of life: do what you need to do, but understand that it is going to make things harder in the following ways.  

I just noticed how young she is;15-going-on-16 is very young, and very different from 16-going-on-17. You can afford the time to not bring up college for the next several months at least. Give her some time and space. My youngest had no great plans for college as a rising junior, but by the spring semester of senior year she was filling out apps for honors programs and going on scholarship interviews like a champ. My oldest wanted to think about it and research it and plan it from a very young age, but the youngest just wanted to be a kid for as long as possible. That might be part of what's going on with your dd. 

Regardless, you can really and truly relax for the next several months at least. Work or college, no decisions have to be made right now. I would require that she learn about college and work, but it doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to be in the fall. See if backing off from all requirement and discussions relaxes her a bit. 

[Rosie_0801]

Do you have pre-apprenticeship courses? Trades are good for people who like to move.

[Kassia]

4 hours ago, katilac said:

 

If you have been trying to persuade her that college is the way to go, I'd stop that now. I'd require that information be gathered on both college and jobs/careers, because she needs to know that, but I'd step back for a few months and see if some of her reluctance is perhaps fueled by typical teen contrariness. Also, if she truly does not want to attend, that's a legit decision, she just needs to know the facts.   

I just noticed how young she is;15-going-on-16 is very young, and very different from 16-going-on-17. You can afford the time to not bring up college for the next several months at least. Give her some time and space. My youngest had no great plans for college as a rising junior, but by the spring semester of senior year she was filling out apps for honors programs and going on scholarship interviews like a champ. My oldest wanted to think about it and research it and plan it from a very young age, but the youngest just wanted to be a kid for as long as possible. That might be part of what's going on with your dd. 

Regardless, you can really and truly relax for the next several months at least. Work or college, no decisions have to be made right now. I would require that she learn about college and work, but it doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to be in the fall. See if backing off from all requirement and discussions relaxes her a bit. 

 

I only quoted parts of your post but everything you wrote was very helpful and put my mind at ease.  Thank you SO much!  This is exactly what I was looking for.  

Even though my heart and head wants dd to get a four year degree, I have been as discreet as possible about that and have been talking to her about other options.  She attends an excellent CC and they have a career center and I have been encouraging her to go there for more info on alternatives.  But the social anxiety has been holding her back from doing so.  I think a big part of it is what you wrote - she still wants to be a kid.  She is a great kid but is resistant to many things that other teens are eager for as they mature and become more independent.  I haven't been bringing up college much except for talking about visiting colleges and I do that (hopefully) more in the sense of ruling out what she doesn't like and seeing what a good fit for her would be rather than choosing where she wants to go, if that makes sense. I've had health issues that have kept us from going on college visits but maybe we should just hold off for now since we still have time.  When she was younger, I imagined that she would go to a more competitive college - not super selective, but a more academically challenging school - but she says she really wants a low-pressure school so we have been looking at less selective colleges where she would be at the top academically.  

Thank you again - I feel like a big burden has been lifted off my shoulders.  ?

3 hours ago, kand said:

I have one very similar at that age, but I can’t improve on what @katilac said. Totally agree with everything about her approach.  We went with the approach of being chill about it, but saying that she needed to at least do what is required to at least apply to a couple colleges, to keep her options open. She started her senior year planning to apply to schools and then defer and take a gap year while she figured out what she wanted to do. By the end of her senior year, she decided she wanted to just go ahead and go the following year rather than taking the gap.  For Junior year though, I wouldn’t worry about it beyond having her take the SAT or ACT by the end of the year. 

 

Thank you!  She will be taking the SAT for the second time in August (she scored very well last year) and the ACT next spring.  She's hoping for PSAT national merit, but we'll see.  It's funny to me that she is super motivated to do well in school and testing even though she has no goals.  I'm grateful that she's not just giving up, though.  

 

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Do you have pre-apprenticeship courses? Trades are good for people who like to move.

 

We have talked about other options.  She isn't interested in any trades we've found but she's been researching two-year degrees and certifications.  I'm hoping that another year at the CC will get her excited enough about some subject or school in general so that she becomes more open to the idea of attending a university.  Her CC is good and she has excellent professors.  

[City Mouse]

After reading what she likes, she sounds like a good fit for a performer at Disney World ?

I don't think there is anything wrong with not going straight to college especially when the student has no idea what he or she wants to study. It sure would ha e saved our family a lot of wasted time and money. Once she has worked at anything for a couple of years, she may have a better idea of what she might like to study.

[Kassia]

She loves performing but couldn't do Disney because she has social anxiety and is an introvert - as of now, she can't handle too much "people."  Her dream is Cirque but I don't think it's realistic.

[8filltheheart]

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

She loves performing but couldn't do Disney because she has social anxiety and is an introvert - as of now, she can't handle too much "people."  Her dream is Cirque but I don't think it's realistic.

I think your concerns are valid. I have a ds crippled by his anxiety (truly handicapped by it), and 2 other kids who have varying degrees of manageable anxiety and who are also introverts. One Dd forces herself to cope. The other forces herself as well, but she has far greater limitations in coping.  She is also a rising Jr. She refuses to consider going away to college and will only consider living at home and commuting. Her brother lives in Huntsville and has tried to get her to consider living with his family bc they all adore her and commuting to UAH,  but she has refused to even consider that. 

She also has no real idea what she wants to do. Right now it is computers and German with physics thrown in, but at least she has some sort of plan. My 7th grader, otoh, refuses to think about college and only talks about being a professional baker.

I do comfort myself in knowing that my 24 yod had no clue what she wanted to do until the summer after her sr yr of high school. She was a ping pong ball all over the place. She ended up not pursuing a 4 yr degree, only a 2 yr Allied health program. She is an occupational therapy assistant and has a fabulous career. She makes an excellent income and loves her job. It suits her perfectly.  She is employed full-time with fairly flexible hrs (she often opts to work from 630-300. She can schedule her patients anytime between 630-630.) The OTAs she graduated with started at $28-32/hr.)

[Rosie_0801]

I'd retry the trade idea again anyway. Have her think about it as getting paid to learn something useful instead of a commitment to a life long career. She may not want to be a carpenter, but she might use the skills to flip houses, which is a way of making money and doesn't involve talking to people all day, every day. Being a check out chick while you wait to decide what you want to do won't give you any useful, life long skills, a trade does, whether it is carpentry or hair dressing.

[Kassia]

52 minutes ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

I think your concerns are valid. I have a ds crippled by his anxiety (truly handicapped by it), and 2 other kids who have varying degrees of manageable anxiety and who are also introverts. One Dd forces herself to cope. The other forces herself as well, but she has far greater limitations in coping.  She is also a rising Jr. She refuses to consider going away to college and will only consider living at home and commuting. Her brother lives in Huntsville and has tried to get her to consider living with his family bc they all adore her and commuting to UAH,  but she has refused to even consider that. 

She also has no real idea what she wants to do. Right now it is computers and German with physics thrown in, but at least she has some sort of plan. My 7th grader, otoh, refuses to think about college and only talks about being a professional baker.

I do comfort myself in knowing that my 24 yod had no clue what she wanted to do until the summer after her sr yr of high school. She was a ping pong ball all over the place. She ended up not pursuing a 4 yr degree, only a 2 yr Allied health program. She is an occupational therapy assistant and has a fabulous career. She makes an excellent income and loves her job. It suits her perfectly.  She is employed full-time with fairly flexible hrs (she often opts to work from 630-300. She can schedule her patients anytime between 630-630.) The OTAs she graduated with started at $28-32/hr.)

 

Thank you.  It's good that your dd knows her limitations and has the option of commuting to college.  How wonderful for your 24 yod!  That is all I want for my own dd - to love her job and be able to support herself doing it.  

[katilac]

18 hours ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

Her brother lives in Huntsville  

 

 

OT: is he an engineer? There have to be people in Huntsville who are not engineers, but they are sure hard to find ?

18 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I'd retry the trade idea again anyway. Have her think about it as getting paid to learn something useful instead of a commitment to a life long career. She may not want to be a carpenter, but she might use the skills to flip houses, which is a way of making money and doesn't involve talking to people all day, every day. Being a check out chick while you wait to decide what you want to do won't give you any useful, life long skills, a trade does, whether it is carpentry or hair dressing.

 

This is a good point. I participated in a webinar for parents and college students once, and the speaker was a business person who said you should always have a set goal you are working towards, even if are uncertain, even if you think it will change. He said that randomly picking a major (even if not 'declaring' it) was better than being undecided, and same theory for jobs (pick a specific job or field as your goal). He said that you inevitably learn more and get more accomplished when you have a specific goal, and that likes/dislikes/interests are more easily clarified in context with a goal. The clarification may be that you want to change the goal, and that's fine, but you are more likely to stay on track and pick up useful skills if you have a target, rather than 'I'm undecided, I'll try whatever.' 

I wish I could find his name again, because he obviously said it much better than I did, lol. 

[katilac]

I actually found a few random notes I made about that webinar, I wish I could find the rest: 

If you don't know what you want to do, just pick something so you don't meander. 

 

Obviously, you can change this focus if you find a better direction. 

 

Often your career grows until you are 45, b/c people no longer have the focus, they have reached their old goals and do not set new ones. 

 

 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

 

 

 

This is a good point. I participated in a webinar for parents and college students once, and the speaker was a business person who said you should always have a set goal you are working towards, even if are uncertain, even if you think it will change. He said that randomly picking a major (even if not 'declaring' it) was better than being undecided, and same theory for jobs (pick a specific job or field as your goal). He said that you inevitably learn more and get more accomplished when you have a specific goal, and that likes/dislikes/interests are more easily clarified in context with a goal. The clarification may be that you want to change the goal, and that's fine, but you are more likely to stay on track and pick up useful skills if you have a target, rather than 'I'm undecided, I'll try whatever.' 

 

 

Thank you!  This is something I hadn't considered.

[8filltheheart]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

OT: is he an engineer? There have to be people in Huntsville who are not engineers, but they are sure hard to find ?

 

Nope, you didn't find someone.  He is a chemE.  ?

[deerforest]

Oh, I'm so sorry she's still struggling! I haven't been online much lately. But, you know, there are actually a lot of pre-professional circus programs in the US. We just don't have  a lot of professional and no degree programs. I know you said that you don't think she has the skills, experience, and connections yet. But, it's not just Ecole Nationale, Circadium, NECCA, etc. that offer programs. Look into Aloft, SANCA (Seattle), and others. Many of those programs are just 1 year rather than 3, and would be a perfect gap year opportunity. If my daughter doesn't get into one of the 3-year or international programs, we will absolutely be considering one of these options. It's a fabulous way to build up skills, conditioning, and networking.

[Kassia]

7 hours ago, deerforest said:

Oh, I'm so sorry she's still struggling! I haven't been online much lately. But, you know, there are actually a lot of pre-professional circus programs in the US. We just don't have  a lot of professional and no degree programs. I know you said that you don't think she has the skills, experience, and connections yet. But, it's not just Ecole Nationale, Circadium, NECCA, etc. that offer programs. Look into Aloft, SANCA (Seattle), and others. Many of those programs are just 1 year rather than 3, and would be a perfect gap year opportunity. If my daughter doesn't get into one of the 3-year or international programs, we will absolutely be considering one of these options. It's a fabulous way to build up skills, conditioning, and networking.

 

Thank you!  I will research research these right away!  Can you also share the international programs you are looking at?   

[deerforest]

11 hours ago, Kassia said:

 

Thank you!  I will research research these right away!  Can you also share the international programs you are looking at?   

So far we only have 2 on the list because international is probably not her top choice, but we're looking into options in Spain too because our favorite aerial rope person is based there.  Ecole Nationale in Canada, but that's a far stretch. In the UK, this program has a great reputation and we follow several aerialists who teach and train here: https://www.nationalcircus.org.uk/education/foundation-degree

[gstharr]

On 7/9/2018 at 8:32 AM, katilac said:

 

OT: is he an engineer? There have to be people in Huntsville who are not engineers, but they are sure hard to find ?

 

This is a good point. I participated in a webinar for parents and college students once, and the speaker was a business person who said you should always have a set goal you are working towards, even if are uncertain, even if you think it will change. He said that randomly picking a major (even if not 'declaring' it) was better than being undecided, and same theory for jobs (pick a specific job or field as your goal). He said that you inevitably learn more and get more accomplished when you have a specific goal, and that likes/dislikes/interests are more easily clarified in context with a goal. The clarification may be that you want to change the goal, and that's fine, but you are more likely to stay on track and pick up useful skills if you have a target, rather than 'I'm undecided, I'll try whatever.' 

I wish I could find his name again, because he obviously said it much better than I did, lol. 

I have the same problem with a rising college senior.  Started off pre-med, but took no math or science. Then to being a psychologist, but has not taken  the lesser math or sciences requirements. .  Does not want to be a computer programmer even though his personality is well suited. Does not want law enforcement or nursing.  So, he is going into senior year still undecided.  i try to tell him to pick anything and work to it. Then change later if he doesn't like it.  But, he won't start on anything.  

[kirag714]

13 hours ago, Kassia said:

 

Thank you!  I will research research these right away!  Can you also share the international programs you are looking at?   

There's a great brand new program about a mile from me here in Philadelphia - it's called Circadium and it's attached the school of circus arts here. The people there are awesome! My kids participated with their circus school for years as it was getting going.

[8filltheheart]

Another thought--has your dd done any academic camps? They have helped my kids narrow dislikes from maybes to likes. My oldest Dd that I mentioned was a ping pong ball at one pt thought she wanted to do forensic science. I thought it was a horrible idea and didn't fit her personality at all. I kept my mouth shut and found a forensic science camp instead and she came home from camp saying "no way." ? Ds chose physics after a couple of physics camps.

My 16 yr old is at a CS camp this week. She is the only girl in large group of high school guys. Notmally, that would push her introverted, anxious self over the edge. Instead, she is saying that she wants to major in CS and that she loves the fact that they are all socially awkward so she can just relax and not worry about having to socialize with them. LOL! She already liked coding, so not feeling stressed about the environ is a huge bonus.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

Another thought--has your dd done any academic camps? They have helped my kids narrow dislikes from maybes to likes. My oldest Dd that I mentioned was a ping pong ball at one pt thought she wanted to do forensic science. I thought it was a horrible idea and didn't fit her personality at all. I kept my mouth shut and found a forensic science camp instead and she came home from camp saying "no way." ? Ds chose physics after a couple of physics camps.

My 16 yr old is at a CS camp this week. She is the only girl in large group of high school guys. Notmally, that would push her introverted, anxious self over the edge. Instead, she is saying that she wants to major in CS and that she loves the fact that they are all socially awkward so she can just relax and not worry about having to socialize with them. LOL! She already liked coding, so not feeling stressed about the environ is a huge bonus.

 

Dd hasn't done any academic camps.  We've offered her many different summer opportunities but she prefers to take DE summer classes (this is her third year doing this) so her course load is lighter during the rest of the year and she has more time for extracurriculars.  Also, we don't have anything local and she doesn't want to be away from home.  

That's wonderful that your dd is having such a great experience at CS camp!  My dd is leaning towards CS only because it's a good fit for her in many ways and she feels she'll have plenty of job opportunities.  She doesn't seem to have an actual interest in it at this point.  I'll be interested to see where your dd ends up going to school for CS!  

[8filltheheart]

37 minutes ago, Kassia said:

  I'll be interested to see where your dd ends up going to school for CS!  

That is easy. She is only applying to one school, the local directional school she can commute to. Low/no stress college application season with her. 

[deerforest]

On 7/10/2018 at 8:28 PM, kirag714 said:

There's a great brand new program about a mile from me here in Philadelphia - it's called Circadium and it's attached the school of circus arts here. The people there are awesome! My kids participated with their circus school for years as it was getting going.

Yes, that's one of the ones I mentioned. It's one of the ones at the top of my DD's list (who is also a circus kid). It's just about to enter its second year so they haven't yet graduated a group of folks yet (it's a 3-year program), but I am very excited to see where it goes. She got to visit the new building last year before it opened and really loved the location.

[...................]

Just as a side note with 80 or 90 DE college credits, I am not sure she can apply as a freshman in some states/colleges...

I agree with Katilac's advice. 

Also I think 15 going on 16 is definitely young.

If she has visited your older kids' college and has seen the atmosphere, and opportunities and that level of independence doesn't excite her, maybe she just isn't ready.  It sounds like she has an amazing mind....perhaps a hands on degree, is what she wants.  And it's true, she can get a hands on certificate or degree at the local CC.  

I personally don't think the circus idea is practical but that's me...

 

Since she's so athletic what about a PE teaching/sports type/kinesiology related field?

 

 

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, Calming Tea said:

Just as a side note with 80 or 90 DE college credits, I am not sure she can apply as a freshman in some states/colleges...

Also I think 15 going on 16 is definitely young.

If she has visited your older kids' college and has seen the atmosphere, and opportunities and that level of independence doesn't excite her, maybe she just isn't ready.  It sounds like she has an amazing mind....perhaps a hands on degree, is what she wants.  And it's true, she can get a hands on certificate or degree at the local CC.  

I personally don't think the circus idea is practical but that's me...

 

Since she's so athletic what about a PE teaching/sports type/kinesiology related field?

 

 

 

I hope she can apply as a freshman since we're counting on merit scholarships and she won't have an associate's degree.  I agree that she's young and not feeling ready at this point.  She likes being a kid.  

She feels teaching is out for her because she has social anxiety and is an introvert.  Her academic passion is languages.  She loves learning new languages and studying the differences between the languages, the grammar, etc.  She does teach Spanish online but only things like vocabulary and grammar, but she leaves the conversation part to another teacher to handle because she doesn't want to do it.  Her only real career interest has been teaching Spanish or TESOL but she feels strongly that she can't do that because of her personality.  I've suggested linguistics but she's not interested.  I think computational linguistics would be a great fit for her someday.  The careers you mentioned would also be good fits if she felt comfortable going into teaching.  

 

 

[8filltheheart]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

 

I hope she can apply as a freshman since we're counting on merit scholarships and she won't have an associate's degree.  I agree that she's young and not feeling ready at this point.  She likes being a kid.  

She feels teaching is out for her because she has social anxiety and is an introvert.  Her academic passion is languages.  She loves learning new languages and studying the differences between the languages, the grammar, etc.  She does teach Spanish online but only things like vocabulary and grammar, but she leaves the conversation part to another teacher to handle because she doesn't want to do it.  Her only real career interest has been teaching Spanish or TESOL but she feels strongly that she can't do that because of her personality.  I've suggested linguistics but she's not interested.  I think computational linguistics would be a great fit for her someday.  The careers you mentioned would also be good fits if she felt comfortable going into teaching.  

 

 

My dd who sounds a lot like your dd (and also has zero interest in teaching) has decided to major in accounting. It fits together like a puzzle similar to mastering a language.

I would never have thought she'd like accounting. I was surprised when she declared it as a major ( she is still keeping her languages, though. She will never opt to leave them. ? )

[Tsuga]

Oh gosh, she's 16. I didn't find a career until I was working on something I loved as an intern--at 23. Not that I didn't finish college. I just studied what I wanted to study. You can pick up technical skills later. Then I got a job doing something that sounded cool by Googling stuff. Well, okay--Alta-Vista-ing. Based on big ideas that I thought were important.

If you'd have told me to pick something at 16 I'd have about died.

[Kassia]

8 hours ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

My dd who sounds a lot like your dd (and also has zero interest in teaching) has decided to major in accounting. It fits together like a puzzle similar to mastering a language.

I would never have thought she'd like accounting. I was surprised when she declared it as a major ( she is still keeping her languages, though. She will never opt to leave them. ? )

 

We have talked about accounting and it's definitely something she's going to look into.  There are so many careers out there that she doesn't know about or hasn't been exposed to yet.  

 

7 hours ago, Tsuga said:

Oh gosh, she's 16. I didn't find a career until I was working on something I loved as an intern--at 23. Not that I didn't finish college. I just studied what I wanted to study. You can pick up technical skills later. Then I got a job doing something that sounded cool by Googling stuff. Well, okay--Alta-Vista-ing. Based on big ideas that I thought were important.

If you'd have told me to pick something at 16 I'd have about died.

 

We aren't putting any pressure on her to choose a major but we were hoping she'd show some interest in college at this point.  She is an anxious person and stressing about careers/majors so we talk about it when she brings it up.  But I try to keep her as stress-free as possible so I don't initiate the conversation (or at least I don't think I do!).  I chose my career at 18 when I was looking for a minor (my school required one).  I was looking through the big registration book (pre-internet) and found a career I didn't even know about and it was a perfect fit for me!  Switched my major and minor around and was very happy.  ?  

[lmrich]

Is she seeing someone for her anxiety? 

My ds has anxiety. He cannot make plans for the future. It is just too hard for him. He is in college, but he cannot talk about what will happen after college. He starts back with his therapist this week. I am considering getting a life coach for him as well. 

 

Oh, and 16 is young to know what you want to do. 

[Kassia]

No, she is not seeing someone for anxiety.  I have offered many times.  She could even get free counseling at the CC she attends for DE.  The thought of seeing someone makes her even more anxious.  ?  I am glad your ds is seeing someone and is managing in college.  

I agree that 16 is young - and she won't even turn 16 until next month.  

[deerforest]

21 hours ago, Calming Tea said:

I personally don't think the circus idea is practical but that's me..

 

 

 

Do you have any direct experience with the current contemporary circus industry to be able to make that judgement? My daughter is highly gifted 2e student who also happens to be a talented aerialist (among other circus skills). She's already a member of a professional circus troupe, and it's definitely a viable career path with many different opportunities.

She could likely get into a competitive college, but it's not her dream. There is certainly a considerable amount of discussion these days about whether college is really the best choice for some kids, and, besides, kids can go to college whenever they want.

 

[...................]

The difference here is that her dd doesn’t already do circus, I was even thinking of your dd who has been doing it for many years, I think it’s not practical to get into that profession starting at age 16 with no experience other than tumbling.

Also, my Word was practical, not impossible,

 

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, Calming Tea said:

The difference here is that her dd doesn’t already do circus, I was even thinking of your dd who has been doing it for many years, I think it’s not practical to get into that profession starting at age 16 with no experience other than tumbling.

Also, my Word was practical, not impossible,

 

 

She actually does do circus but not at the level that deerforest's dd does.  She has taken tumbling classes for years, and practices aerial silks, hand balance, and juggling daily.  She also has done some flying trapeze but doesn't have much of an opportunity to work on that regularly where we live.  

[...................]

Maybe it’s more practical than I thought for your dd.

is she able to get some kind of apprenticeship or audition for some kind of circus school? If it looks like she can get in, Maybe you should look at the pay, benefits, lifestyle and training required and consider it.

i don’t know If it’s like acting where you really waste your education dollars or if it’s more like an apprenticeship. If it’s the latter and there’s a clear path to a career then just like anything it should be explored 

[Kassia]

I'm not really sure.  She has very little performing experience right now.  There are colleges with performing circuses - I would prefer she pursue both at the same time, but we'll have to see what happens.  I would really prefer that she have something to fall back on if circus doesn't work out, but deerforest is right that dd could always attend college later if that's what she wants/needs.  

[deerforest]

Those 1-year programs I mentioned are designed specifically for people like your DD.

I would really look into SANCA and Aloft. I've heard good things about both. However, I do know one graduate of Aloft, and she's not as advanced as I would have expected coming out of that program. (Oh I just looked at Aloft again and it looks like they've changed to a 2-year program so it's probably changed a fair bit since the person we knew went there several years ago.) I wish the Space in Atlanta offered a pre-professional program because they have an incredibly talented coaching staff. DD did the aerial conference there in April and learned so much.

These really are great pathways, and, like I said, if my DD doesn't get into one of the 3+ year programs I will probably send her to one of them or just to Atlanta or NECCA to train intensively before applying again.

I know how risky it is to think about not sending your capable, smart kid to college! It's still freaking me out fairly regularly! I'm also being realistic and keeping her in a rigorous high school experience in case she changes her mind. But, if nothing else, a gap period of 1-2 years of experimenting with circus could be a great thing.

 

 

 

[Kassia]

6 hours ago, deerforest said:

 

I know how risky it is to think about not sending your capable, smart kid to college! It's still freaking me out fairly regularly! I'm also being realistic and keeping her in a rigorous high school experience in case she changes her mind. But, if nothing else, a gap period of 1-2 years of experimenting with circus could be a great thing.

 

 

 

 

Thanks so much for the support and information!  I don't know anyone with kids in circus and am not knowledgeable about many opportunities.  It makes me anxious to consider not sending dd straight to college - especially when she is so smart and capable!  But she is young for her grade (will turn 16 just before starting junior year) and I don't want her to have regrets later in life either.  She is a great kid but I wish I knew what was going on in her head.  She doesn't want to go to college yet she is retaking the SAT in August and has been prepping hard for that, and she also wants National Merit when she takes the PSAT in October.  I'm glad she is taking the tests seriously but it seems strange to me that she's so motivated to improve her scores when she doesn't even want to use them.  

 

[RootAnn]

5 hours ago, Kassia said:

She is a great kid but I wish I knew what was going on in her head.  She doesn't want to go to college yet she is retaking the SAT in August and has been prepping hard for that, and she also wants National Merit when she takes the PSAT in October.  I'm glad she is taking the tests seriously but it seems strange to me that she's so motivated to improve her scores when she doesn't even want to use them.  

This may very well be her anxiety. In my experience, it is not unusual for there to be major conflicts going on in an anxious kid's head. Part of her DOES want to go to college, but it is so scary that she says she doesn't want to go. The part that does want to go to college (or just please you with her good performance on the exams or maybe she wants to prove something to herself but might end up sabotaging her performance at the last minute - so many ways this can go) is the part working on the SAT/PSAT. Likely, she doesn't know what she wants because of the war going on in her head. 

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

This may very well be her anxiety. In my experience, it is not unusual for there to be major conflicts going on in an anxious kid's head. Part of her DOES want to go to college, but it is so scary that she says she doesn't want to go. The part that does want to go to college (or just please you with her good performance on the exams or maybe she wants to prove something to herself but might end up sabotaging her performance at the last minute - so many ways this can go) is the part working on the SAT/PSAT. Likely, she doesn't know what she wants because of the war going on in her head. 

 

I agree that it is anxiety that drives her to excel at everything she does and avoid new situations.  

[katilac]

Warning: unrequested advice ahead! Given with a good spirit just in case it's helpful. 

She may need meds for the anxiety. Yes, it's ideal to have counseling that teaches coping strategies in addition to the meds, but some people cannot benefit from counseling until the anxiety gets under control to a certain extent. 

This does not require a visit to a specialist; any general practitioner can prescribe. She will have to fill out the standard questionnaire and talk to the doctor, but it's a fairly routine visit. You can also give the doctor your observations. 

Anxiety doesn't always have a lot of external indicators, so, if you are seeing and hearing enough to regard her as anxious and to offer counseling, then there is probably a lot more going on under the surface.  

If I thought she might balk even at talking about it with her regular doctor, I'd probably just plan a check-up and give the doctor a heads-up to give her the questionaire and follow up with more questions. It's very common to give the questionnaire as part of a check-up anyway. 

Good luck! 

[Kassia]

47 minutes ago, katilac said:

Warning: unrequested advice ahead! Given with a good spirit just in case it's helpful. 

She may need meds for the anxiety. Yes, it's ideal to have counseling that teaches coping strategies in addition to the meds, but some people cannot benefit from counseling until the anxiety gets under control to a certain extent. 

This does not require a visit to a specialist; any general practitioner can prescribe. She will have to fill out the standard questionnaire and talk to the doctor, but it's a fairly routine visit. You can also give the doctor your observations. 

Anxiety doesn't always have a lot of external indicators, so, if you are seeing and hearing enough to regard her as anxious and to offer counseling, then there is probably a lot more going on under the surface.  

If I thought she might balk even at talking about it with her regular doctor, I'd probably just plan a check-up and give the doctor a heads-up to give her the questionaire and follow up with more questions. It's very common to give the questionnaire as part of a check-up anyway. 

Good luck! 

 

Thank you.  I appreciate all advice - that's why I posted! 

I have suggested meds many times and she knows they are an option but she is vehemently against taking anything (or seeing anyone) at this point.  But this is a good reminder that I should regularly offer the option in case she ever changes her mind but doesn't know how to bring it up.

 

[Kanin]

I was really, really anxious about going to college. I remember learning about college for the first time when I was maybe.. 8 years old? And I vividly remember thinking, Oh good, I still have 10 years before I have to leave home. The next year... Oh good, I still have 9 years left... and so on. I never wanted to leave home. I survived college though! If I could do it again, I would either have went to college nearer to my home, or had a single room. I loathed having a roommate, and I never had any alone time. I would definitely pay extra to have a single room.

As for jobs... she’s so young! I don’t think I knew about very many jobs when I was 16. Thinking about her and languages, though, what about speech language pathology? I heard on the radio that there are 6 jobs in that field for every speech pathologist. Most programs have a 100% job placement rate. I’m a special ed teacher, and I kinda wish I had gone into speech path. It’s a really neat field, and you get to learn all kinds of cool things like phonetics and language acquisition. Your DD has probably never heard of that before, but who knows, she might find it interesting. 

I’m also an introvert who thought I could NEVER teach because I was too shy. Turns out my shyness somehow goes away when teaching! I’m also a completely different person than when I was 16.

[Kassia]

17 minutes ago, Mainer said:

I was really, really anxious about going to college. I remember learning about college for the first time when I was maybe.. 8 years old? And I vividly remember thinking, Oh good, I still have 10 years before I have to leave home. The next year... Oh good, I still have 9 years left... and so on. I never wanted to leave home. I survived college though! If I could do it again, I would either have went to college nearer to my home, or had a single room. I loathed having a roommate, and I never had any alone time. I would definitely pay extra to have a single room.

As for jobs... she’s so young! I don’t think I knew about very many jobs when I was 16. Thinking about her and languages, though, what about speech language pathology? I heard on the radio that there are 6 jobs in that field for every speech pathologist. Most programs have a 100% job placement rate. I’m a special ed teacher, and I kinda wish I had gone into speech path. It’s a really neat field, and you get to learn all kinds of cool things like phonetics and language acquisition. Your DD has probably never heard of that before, but who knows, she might find it interesting. 

I’m also an introvert who thought I could NEVER teach because I was too shy. Turns out my shyness somehow goes away when teaching! I’m also a completely different person than when I was 16.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience!  I do think part of the anxiety is all about growing up, becoming more independent, moving away, having more responsibilities, etc.  I am definitely paying close attention to housing when I look at colleges.  A single would definitely be best if possible, but definitely nothing more than a double.  And no community bathrooms in the hallway.  One of my sons had a single in college and it was very good for him.  I think her being close to home would be the best thing for her but there aren't many options here and none of them are good fits.  

My major in college was SLP, and dd is familiar with the option but isn't interested for several reasons (graduate school, interaction, etc.).  It is definitely a neat field - I find it fascinating, but dd doesn't.  She actually does teach Spanish now (an online course with no interaction - she records her lessons and has someone else take over the conversation class) and it has resulted in her not wanting to go into teaching even more due to the lack of motivation by students.  She also sees this in some of her required CC classes and has said she would hate dealing with students who didn't take her classes seriously.  She only developed an Intro to Spanish class and Spanish 1 class - she was so enthusiastic about them at first but now she's so discouraged by the students that she has no desire to develop a Spanish 2 class and isn't doing it even though some parents have demonstrated interest.  

 

 

 

[Kanin]

Ah... I’m jealous about your SLP degree. I’m in special ed, which I love, but SLP is so interesting ?

[Kassia]

12 hours ago, Mainer said:

Ah... I’m jealous about your SLP degree. I’m in special ed, which I love, but SLP is so interesting ?

 

Don't be jealous.  I didn't even finish my degree.  I dropped out in my last semester due to medical reasons (long story) and ended up being a SAHM instead.  It would have been a good career for me because I was good at it and, like you, found it fascinating.  But I can't regret dropping out because I wouldn't have my kids if I didn't.  Special Ed is so important - glad you love it.  ?

[RootAnn]

Wanted to bump with a website I found in an old thread. I can't remember who posted it originally, but DD has been interested in what she's found so far. Job Search Intelligence  Educate to Career  It looks like some of the links are not free, but I haven't checked around to see what is free & what isn't.

The College Buddy link has provided some eye-opening data. I don't know how old it is or where they got it from, but seeing % of employed people who have a certain major, what jobs they are doing, and their salary showed on the screen what DH & I have been trying to tell DD#1 for awhile. 

[8filltheheart]

21 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

The College Buddy link has provided some eye-opening data. I don't know how old it is or where they got it from, but seeing % of employed people who have a certain major, what jobs they are doing, and their salary showed on the screen what DH & I have been trying to tell DD#1 for awhile. 

Interesting link. The foreign language major's employment statistics are why Dd is not going that route even though that is where her heart is. (Though she has discovered a strong liking for accounting.)

But, do keep in mind that those are avgs. I looked at my kids' fields and they started at higher salaries yrs ago.

[Kassia]

43 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

Wanted to bump with a website I found in an old thread. I can't remember who posted it originally, but DD has been interested in what she's found so far. Job Search Intelligence  Educate to Career  It looks like some of the links are not free, but I haven't checked around to see what is free & what isn't.

The College Buddy link has provided some eye-opening data. I don't know how old it is or where they got it from, but seeing % of employed people who have a certain major, what jobs they are doing, and their salary showed on the screen what DH & I have been trying to tell DD#1 for awhile. 

 

Very interesting!  Thank you.  

[Garga]

My son looks like he’s going to puke whenever I mention college.  He’ll be 16 next month.  His friends want to go to get away from home, but my son hates the idea of leaving home.  

We visited a few colleges because I was hoping it would be good for him to see what colleges looked like for hiimself.  It sort of was.  We visited three colleges and out of the three, there was one he liked a lot.  One thing that he liked a lot (as an introvert) was that he could have a suite where he’d have his own tiny little bedroom with a shared living/bathroom.  But even that is an hour’s drive away and he hates the thought of being an hour away from home.

For us, for this son, we’ve decided pretty strongly that he’ll go to the community college where my husband works.  He can get his tuition for free so that’s great, but mostly we think he should go there because this boy isn’t ready to leave home.  Now, that might change, so I’m making sure to leave all options open for him to go away to college. But it might not change.  He’s been this way (introverted homebody) for so many years, that it’s not likely it wil change in 2 years.  

I’ve told him that after his 2 years commuting, he’d finish off in a 4 year (possibly the one an hour away on campus, as it’s the one we could afford) and he still looks sick to his stomach and asks me to stop talking about it.  

But just a couple of weeks ago, I pointed something out to him.  I said, “Look, by the time you actually go away to college, it’ll be 2022 and you’ll be turning 20 years old.  You won’t be a little kid.  You’ll be a grown man.”  And for the first time, his face cleared up at the thought of college.  He realized that by the time he goes, he’s not going to be a kid.  He really, honestly will be a grown man.  

I wonder if at this age, they’re still just kids and are scared of being kicked out before they’re ready.  Can your daughter go to a college near enough to home that she can live at home?  Is it the thought of going away in just two years that is so upsetting?  Can she start at a local college and transfer farther away later, if she ever needs to transfer?

[8filltheheart]

5 minutes ago, Garga said:

My son looks like he’s going to puke whenever I mention college.  He’ll be 16 next month.  His friends want to go to get away from home, but my son hates the idea of leaving home.  

We visited a few colleges because I was hoping it would be good for him to see what colleges looked like for hiimself.  It sort of was.  We visited three colleges and out of the three, there was one he liked a lot.  One thing that he liked a lot (as an introvert) was that he could have a suite where he’d have his own tiny little bedroom with a shared living/bathroom.  But even that is an hour’s drive away and he hates the thought of being an hour away from home.

For us, for this son, we’ve decided pretty strongly that he’ll go to the community college where my husband works.  He can get his tuition for free so that’s great, but mostly we think he should go there because this boy isn’t ready to leave home.  Now, that might change, so I’m making sure to leave all options open for him to go away to college. But it might not change.  He’s been this way (introverted homebody) for so many years, that it’s not likely it wil change in 2 years.  

I’ve told him that after his 2 years commuting, he’d finish off in a 4 year (possibly the one an hour away on campus, as it’s the one we could afford) and he still looks sick to his stomach and asks me to stop talking about it.  

But just a couple of weeks ago, I pointed something out to him.  I said, “Look, by the time you actually go away to college, it’ll be 2022 and you’ll be turning 20 years old.  You won’t be a little kid.  You’ll be a grown man.”  And for the first time, his face cleared up at the thought of college.  He realized that by the time he goes, he’s not going to be a kid.  He really, honestly will be a grown man.  

I wonder if at this age, they’re still just kids and are scared of being kicked out before they’re ready.  Can your daughter go to a college near enough to home that she can live at home?  Is it the thought of going away in just two years that is so upsetting?  Can she start at a local college and transfer farther away later, if she ever needs to transfer?

We sent our 16 yr old to 3 different summer camps at 3 different universities hoping she would warm up to the idea of going away to college. Even though she had a good time at all of them, she is adamant that she is commuting from home.  She said by day 3 she was always peopled out and just cannot imagine living on campus.  

[Kassia]

17 minutes ago, Garga said:

My son looks like he’s going to puke whenever I mention college.  He’ll be 16 next month.  His friends want to go to get away from home, but my son hates the idea of leaving home.  

We visited a few colleges because I was hoping it would be good for him to see what colleges looked like for hiimself.  It sort of was.  We visited three colleges and out of the three, there was one he liked a lot.  One thing that he liked a lot (as an introvert) was that he could have a suite where he’d have his own tiny little bedroom with a shared living/bathroom.  But even that is an hour’s drive away and he hates the thought of being an hour away from home.

For us, for this son, we’ve decided pretty strongly that he’ll go to the community college where my husband works.  He can get his tuition for free so that’s great, but mostly we think he should go there because this boy isn’t ready to leave home.  Now, that might change, so I’m making sure to leave all options open for him to go away to college. But it might not change.  He’s been this way (introverted homebody) for so many years, that it’s not likely it wil change in 2 years.  

I’ve told him that after his 2 years commuting, he’d finish off in a 4 year (possibly the one an hour away on campus, as it’s the one we could afford) and he still looks sick to his stomach and asks me to stop talking about it.  

But just a couple of weeks ago, I pointed something out to him.  I said, “Look, by the time you actually go away to college, it’ll be 2022 and you’ll be turning 20 years old.  You won’t be a little kid.  You’ll be a grown man.”  And for the first time, his face cleared up at the thought of college.  He realized that by the time he goes, he’s not going to be a kid.  He really, honestly will be a grown man.  

I wonder if at this age, they’re still just kids and are scared of being kicked out before they’re ready.  Can your daughter go to a college near enough to home that she can live at home?  Is it the thought of going away in just two years that is so upsetting?  Can she start at a local college and transfer farther away later, if she ever needs to transfer?

 

I found myself agreeing with so much of your post!  Dd is very much like your son - an introverted homebody - and I know she hates the thought of growing up and being more independent.  I can't picture her in a college dorm unless she has a private room and bathroom at the very least (one of my sons needed this, too, but schools that have this option seem pretty uncommon).  She has so much anxiety over everything, too.  Like your ds, she is extremely uncomfortable talking about college plans (and careers).

Community college after HS graduation isn't an option for her because she'll graduate with so many DE credits (80-90).  And there aren't any options for a 4 year school where she could commute (DH has actually talked about moving to make this happen for her, but I don't know).  She could maybe go to a school about an hour away and then come home on weekends, which I think would help a lot.  I've been researching online degrees, too.  I'm not crazy about that, but it would be way better than her not pursuing a degree at all.  

She recently got very excited about a college 4 1/2 hours away that has an active circus club (she's only interested in the circus club).  We may go visit soon so she can see the circus club facilities and then she'll get a better idea of how far 4 1/2 hours really is.  I would be nervous about sending her that far away but it's nice to see her actually excited about college even if it has nothing to do with the academics.  

 

Edited August 5, 2018 by Kassia