Should this hurt my feelings?

[mom@shiloh]

Facebook related:  I'm trying to figure out if I should take this personally or if there's a good reason for it.

I'm in a small private group on FB -- all people who are related to each other.  I don't post often, maybe every 6 weeks or so, but when I do I can see all the people who saw the post, but hardly anyone responds.  Is there any possible reason for that other than that people are trying to purposely ignore me?  Most people do respond when others post.  I certainly don't respond to every post I see on FB, but when it's part of a small private group,and everyone can see that I 'saw' the post, it seems polite to me to at least click the like icon.  How hard is that?  Should I ask what's going on or is this typical and I should let it go?  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

People are changing how they use FB, very fast. You can't tell anything about anybody by how they FB or don't FB anymore.

1. Lack of trust toward FB/policies and totally confused about data collection, 

2. Sick of social media, largely because of the politics of the era,

3. Yet too addicted and/or nosy to never look at it...

Which is how you get people being members of groups but not interacting in the groups, even if they were very active within the last year. If you want to know if your relatives still like you, call them on the phone or invite them to a reunion. Communication other than social media broke down when we all became addicted to social media, but now some forms of social media are breaking down, so we'll have to talk in person again.

 

[thessa516]

Nope, don't have hurt feelings. Like Tibbie said, FB is changing quickly. I've quit "liking" a bunch of stuff that I used to automatically "like" in the past.

[Kassia]

Aw, let it go.  I'm sorry if you are hurt.  

[J-rap]

I wouldn't give it much thought.  Base your feelings on your in-person visits instead.  (And even then, you never know.  If a person has a lot going on in their lives they can appear uninterested, even if they're not.)

[trulycrabby]

I agree with the others; not liking or responding to posts reflects how they feel about facebook, not how they feel about you.

[ThisIsTheDay]

In addition to people dropping off Facebook (or at least cutting down) like crazy, Facebook has algorithms that will show posts based on interaction. The more I interact with someone, liking, commenting, the more likely FB is to show me their posts. They also have adjusted the feed to where you are getting more popular posts instead of more recent ones by your friends. The less you post, the less people CAN interact, and the less likely it is that your post will show up on someone's feed.

Example: my mom has about a dozen FB friends and posts maybe every other month. Those friends LOVE my mom, but because she doesn't interact much on FB, it's rare for someone to see her posts, so no one comments, and her post is just out there, ignored. (Poor little old lady.) But if I comment, or my sister comments, her post will begin to show up on mutual friends/family feed, so more people can comment.

Example: My bff is tagged in photos with me frequently, we check in via FB together at places, we chat all the time on Messenger. A lot of her posts are based on her business (livestock), and all of her livestock friends comment like crazy. Even with our shared history, I often don't see those livestock posts, because those friends are in different groups with her.

So no, NEVER let anything on FB hurt your feelings.

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, ThisIsTheDay said:

In addition to people dropping off Facebook (or at least cutting down) like crazy, Facebook has algorithms that will show posts based on interaction. The more I interact with someone, liking, commenting, the more likely FB is to show me their posts. They also have adjusted the feed to where you are getting more popular posts instead of more recent ones by your friends. The less you post, the less people CAN interact, and the less likely it is that your post will show up on someone's feed.

Example: my mom has about a dozen FB friends and posts maybe every other month. Those friends LOVE my mom, but because she doesn't interact much on FB, it's rare for someone to see her posts, so no one comments, and her post is just out there, ignored. (Poor little old lady.) But if I comment, or my sister comments, her post will begin to show up on mutual friends/family feed, so more people can comment.

Example: My bff is tagged in photos with me frequently, we check in via FB together at places, we chat all the time on Messenger. A lot of her posts are based on her business (livestock), and all of her livestock friends comment like crazy. Even with our shared history, I often don't see those livestock posts, because those friends are in different groups with her.

So no, NEVER let anything on FB hurt your feelings.

I agree with you,and I have noticed this myself, but the OP said that she can see folks have seen her posts.  

But, I still agree not to let it hurt your feelings.  I am a rare poster and I get very little reaction to my posts. <shrug> 

I also agree with others who say that the way people use facebook is changing.  Don't take it personally. 

[poppy]

People probably didn't see, Facebook puts people you know in your feed.  Or they are scrolling on their phone one handed.
Tag people who you really want to respond with a @name

Also: rare / tentative facebook users often post in a way that doesn't invite response.  Kind of formal, or just saying things vs sharing emotions and expressing relief / sadness / those riskier feelings. The more you open up, the more you get back.

11 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

People are changing how they use FB, very fast. You can't tell anything about anybody by how they FB or don't FB anymore.

1. Lack of trust toward FB/policies and totally confused about data collection, 

2. Sick of social media, largely because of the politics of the era,

3. Yet too addicted and/or nosy to never look at it...

Which is how you get people being members of groups but not interacting in the groups, even if they were very active within the last year. If you want to know if your relatives still like you, call them on the phone or invite them to a reunion. Communication other than social media broke down when we all became addicted to social media, but now some forms of social media are breaking down, so we'll have to talk in person again.

 

 

Please don't call me on the phone.   Just text like a normal person.   I don't know anyone who regularly calls anyone socially, except my mom's generation. She is 72.

[marbel]

12 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

Facebook related:  I'm trying to figure out if I should take this personally or if there's a good reason for it.

I'm in a small private group on FB -- all people who are related to each other.  I don't post often, maybe every 6 weeks or so, but when I do I can see all the people who saw the post, but hardly anyone responds.  Is there any possible reason for that other than that people are trying to purposely ignore me?  Most people do respond when others post.  I certainly don't respond to every post I see on FB, but when it's part of a small private group,and everyone can see that I 'saw' the post, it seems polite to me to at least click the like icon.  How hard is that?  Should I ask what's going on or is this typical and I should let it go?  

 

39 minutes ago, poppy said:

People probably didn't see, Facebook puts people you know in your feed.  Or they are scrolling on their phone one handed.
Tag people who you really want to respond with a @name

Also: rare / tentative facebook users often post in a way that doesn't invite response.  Kind of formal, or just saying things vs sharing emotions and expressing relief / sadness / those riskier feelings. The more you open up, the more you get back.

Please don't call me on the phone.   Just text like a normal person.   I don't know anyone who regularly calls anyone socially, except my mom's generation. She is 72.

 

OP says she can see that people saw the post.  (I guess within a group there is something that shows a post has been viewed?)

Agree with you about the phone. I hate random "hey, let's get caught up" phone calls that always come at a bad time and end up with the caller hurt because I can't talk as long as they want to.  Text me and invite me for coffee, a drink, a walk around the block, or if that's not possible, to set up a time for a phone conversation.

[mom@shiloh]

Thanks for the replies. So, what is the best way to communicate with people then?  Or, do we just not communicate anymore?  

I agree that FB isn't what it used to be, but people often don't respond to email either. I cannot keep up with all these people either by phone or in person. Mass, written communication is so much easier.  Then, at least I know that I've conveyed all the pertinent information to everyone. 

[GailV]

I wonder about those group statistics about how many people have seen things.  How do they measure that?  Is it that I actually went to the group page? (I doubt that's the case.) Is it that  I opened up facebook after the message was posted and I could've theoretically seen it while scrolling through my general feed, except I stopped before I got to the group post? (I'm pretty sure I do stuff along this line all the time, since I'll take a quick peek while waiting for something else, and only see the top 2 or 3 posts.)

I just assume facebook is doing weird, twitchy stuff to my posts. 

[GailV]

3 minutes ago, mom@shiloh said:

Thanks for the replies. So, what is the best way to communicate with people then?  Or, do we just not communicate anymore?  

I agree that FB isn't what it used to be, but people often don't respond to email either. I cannot keep up with all these people either by phone or in person. Mass, written communication is so much easier.  Then, at least I know that I've conveyed all the pertinent information to everyone. 

My kids do group texting.   One of dd's friend groups also keeps  a group Google calendar.

Their older friend groups often use Facebook group messaging.  Wait, is that what you were saying you're using already?  Because that does tell you who has opened messages, and when they did it.  My comment above about how loosey-goosey FB is with how they show posts had to do with what shows up in the news feed.

[mom@shiloh]

33 minutes ago, GailV said:

I wonder about those group statistics about how many people have seen things.  How do they measure that?  Is it that I actually went to the group page? (I doubt that's the case.) Is it that  I opened up facebook after the message was posted and I could've theoretically seen it while scrolling through my general feed, except I stopped before I got to the group post? (I'm pretty sure I do stuff along this line all the time, since I'll take a quick peek while waiting for something else, and only see the top 2 or 3 posts.)

I just assume facebook is doing weird, twitchy stuff to my posts. 

If you're in a private, closed group, FB will tell you who has seen the post. I assume that people have to actually go to the group page and open the post to be marked as having seen it. I can tell that there are some people in the group who are never on FB, but if people have seen the post, my opinion is that it's polite to at least acknowledge it.  If I've taken the time to share something, and they've taken the time to read it, why not just hit the like or leave a one-word comment.  So, I guess my question is if there's any reason other than purposely ignoring me. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

1 hour ago, poppy said:

People probably didn't see, Facebook puts people you know in your feed.  Or they are scrolling on their phone one handed.
 

 

Please don't call me on the phone.   Just text like a normal person.   I don't know anyone who regularly calls anyone socially, except my mom's generation. She is 72.

 

Point taken. Nobody has called our landline lately except for Rachel from cardholder services and the Microsoft Windows scam team.

[SKL]

1 hour ago, poppy said:

Please don't call me on the phone.   Just text like a normal person.   I don't know anyone who regularly calls anyone socially, except my mom's generation. She is 72.

I agree, but don't tell my sister that.  She literally gets furious when she gets a text.  She takes it as a personal offense that other people like texting more than she does.

It's hard to communicate with her.  She works odd hours and has bad phone reception at home.  Only gets internet when she visits the folks.  But texting is out.  ?

[SKL]

I don't like most facebook posts.  Several reasons:

• Too much noise on my news feed.  I'd be on fb all day if I liked every proud mom post or wise saying post etc.
• I don't want to encourage certain behaviors on fb.  Even if I agree with your opinion, I may not like the way you express it.
• A like means nothing if I like every post.

Also - are you really sure people saw it?  I mean how do they know that?  If I open my facebook page and then get busy doing something else before I look at much, do all those posts register as "I saw this"?  If so, I am probably offending people left and right.  ?

I wonder what is the point of having a technology that helps people feel more insecure.  ?  When the reality is that people have only good intentions most of the time.

[SKL]

44 minutes ago, mom@shiloh said:

If you're in a private, closed group, FB will tell you who has seen the post. I assume that people have to actually go to the group page and open the post to be marked as having seen it. I can tell that there are some people in the group who are never on FB, but if people have seen the post, my opinion is that it's polite to at least acknowledge it.  If I've taken the time to share something, and they've taken the time to read it, why not just hit the like or leave a one-word comment.  So, I guess my question is if there's any reason other than purposely ignoring me. 

I would not assume people have to open a post in order to have "seen" it.

Would like to get some clarity on this.  ?

[SKL]

PS the system keeps changing my smileys into question marks ...

[vonfirmath]

1 hour ago, Heartwood said:

 

I find that not to be true for myself and I'm way younger than your mom. If I actually want to touch base with a person for a meaningful exchange, I call them. Texting is for short, quick interactions. My family and friends do this as well.

 

Agreed. I'll be 45 this year and texting has not taken over calling. Yes, we do more talking in person. But we pick up a phone and call socially to really talk to someone.

[catz]

All that means is someone may have scrolled through it on their feed.  I miss stuff in my feed all the time.  No you absolutely should not take it personally.  

[mom@shiloh]

1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said:

All that means is someone may have scrolled through it on their feed.  I miss stuff in my feed all the time.  No you absolutely should not take it personally.  

I know that's the way it is for regular posts, but I assumed that for a closed group, you would actually have had to open it to have it marked 'seen'.  Apparently not.  I did some research:

"There is a slight catch with the read receipts in Facebook groups: they do not work exactly like they do when you send a private message. In the messenger, a recipient needs to click on the message to read it. The sender then knows the message was actually read. In a group, however, a group member does not need to read the post or click on a link. The post is marked as ‘seen’ as the group member scrolls through the page."

It just makes me frustrated with communication, or lack thereof.  I really do want to stay connected with my relatives and it seems as if they want that as well when we speak in person, but it's hard to keep up with people if they don't respond to any electronic communication.  It makes me sad. But, I guess I feel better knowing that they're not purposely ignoring me.

[katilac]

5 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

Thanks for the replies. So, what is the best way to communicate with people then?  Or, do we just not communicate anymore?  

I agree that FB isn't what it used to be, but people often don't respond to email either. I cannot keep up with all these people either by phone or in person. Mass, written communication is so much easier.  Then, at least I know that I've conveyed all the pertinent information to everyone. 

 

4 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

If you're in a private, closed group, FB will tell you who has seen the post. I assume that people have to actually go to the group page and open the post to be marked as having seen it. I can tell that there are some people in the group who are never on FB, but if people have seen the post, my opinion is that it's polite to at least acknowledge it.  If I've taken the time to share something, and they've taken the time to read it, why not just hit the like or leave a one-word comment.  So, I guess my question is if there's any reason other than purposely ignoring me. 

 

I'm not sure what kind of posts you are talking about. "pertinent information" makes me think you are telling them about an event or idea they may be interested in? If so, no acknowledgment on their part required. It's definitely not accepted etiquette to like or respond to every post you read. If you are giving information about an event they are participating in or for some reason do need an answer, send a private message and you will know if they see it. I will say that I haven't understood my Facebook feed in years, lol. It seems completely random these days. 

I think the reason is most likely that they didn't truly read the post even if they skimmed past it, or they weren't interested in the information if they did read it. Again, I'm assuming this is general type information, not "field day is this Tuesday, does everyone have their tickets?"

Why do some random posts get a ton of likes and others don't? That is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Don't take it personally. 

For more personal communication, you really just have to figure it out person by person, but the vast majority of people I know use texting. Group texting can be wonky with different phones and carriers, so people, especially younger people, often use an app like GroupMe if they dont' want to use Facebook Messenger (and many don't, these days). 

3 hours ago, vonfirmath said:

 

Agreed. I'll be 45 this year and texting has not taken over calling. Yes, we do more talking in person. But we pick up a phone and call socially to really talk to someone.

 

I'm 52, and I cannot remember the last time I picked up a phone for a social call. I occasionally talk on the phone with my mom, sister, or daughter, but 90% of the time it's text even with them. We do video call with dd every couple of weeks so she can see the pets, etc. 

See me or text me, lol.

[SKL]

I use text because it's evidence, LOL.  "I know I told her xyz."

[ThisIsTheDay]

8 hours ago, SKL said:

I would not assume people have to open a post in order to have "seen" it.

Would like to get some clarity on this.  ?

 

People have to click on the page to "see" it. But I don't give that much credibility. It could pop open on my phone while I'm trying to do something else, and I never really see the post. Or I glance at it quickly (again, on my phone) and forget about it entirely. Or it could be on my main FB page, but I've not gotten to that post, something happens, and I shut my phone. Happens to me all the time when I open FB at work, several times a day.

Sometimes I hit "like" to indicate I have seen it, but that upsets people too. "Liking" a prayer request, for example, might be taken very differently.

[poppy]

On 5/1/2018 at 9:06 AM, Heartwood said:

 

I find that not to be true for myself and I'm way younger than your mom. If I actually want to touch base with a person for a meaningful exchange, I call them. Texting is for short, quick interactions. My family and friends do this as well.

 

In that case, text with a "is now a good time to talk" versus ambushing a person with a phone call.

To me calls are like a drop-in visit,  I know it's a thing people do but it doesn't really happen (except mothers-in-law....) and I'm grateful. I always have a sick dog or sink full of dishes or I'm walking around in my bra ......

 

 

[GoodGrief]

Definitely don't get your feelings hurt. People don't necessarily respond to every post they read, and it doesn't mean they are uninterested. It can feel a little ridiculous to hit "like" on every post or photo. I have a few friends who will click "like" on every photo in an album which results in a crazy long list of notifications for me. I know they are trying to be nice and show interest but it's really not necessary!

Also, people tend to put more effort into interacting on social media with people who regularly show interest in them. So if you are just a rare poster and don't spend much time responding to others' posts, people might enjoy hearing from you but not necessarily feel inclined to say anything.

[marbel]

1 hour ago, poppy said:

 

In that case, text with a "is now a good time to talk" versus ambushing a person with a phone call.

To me calls are like a drop-in visit,  I know it's a thing people do but it doesn't really happen (except mothers-in-law....) and I'm grateful. I always have a sick dog or sink full of dishes or I'm walking around in my bra ......

 

 

 

I agree with you, so don't think I am arguing.

I'm  just thinking, though. I used to enjoy a random phone call from a friend.  It seems I could almost always spend at least 10-15 minutes (or more) chatting on the phone. Now, x number of years later, I dread having the phone ring. I don't answer it. I wait to get a message and return the call if necessary, often via text. 

Today I saw I missed a call from an old friend who moved away some months ago. We were not close friends so didn't do a lot to stay in touch. Anyway, I texted her back, telling her truthfully that I was going to be in and out today and would try to call back within a day or so. I will probably text tomorrow to suggest a time for chatting.  Like a coffee date, but over the phone.

Anyway, I'm just musing on... when did that change?  Not just for me, I don't think, but for others?  'Cause I don't think I'm alone in this regard - that I want to schedule my phone conversations, as I would an in-person visit.

[poppy]

4 hours ago, marbel said:

 

I agree with you, so don't think I am arguing.

I'm  just thinking, though. I used to enjoy a random phone call from a friend.  It seems I could almost always spend at least 10-15 minutes (or more) chatting on the phone. Now, x number of years later, I dread having the phone ring. I don't answer it. I wait to get a message and return the call if necessary, often via text. 

Today I saw I missed a call from an old friend who moved away some months ago. We were not close friends so didn't do a lot to stay in touch. Anyway, I texted her back, telling her truthfully that I was going to be in and out today and would try to call back within a day or so. I will probably text tomorrow to suggest a time for chatting.  Like a coffee date, but over the phone.

Anyway, I'm just musing on... when did that change?  Not just for me, I don't think, but for others?  'Cause I don't think I'm alone in this regard - that I want to schedule my phone conversations, as I would an in-person visit.

You just want to get in the right head space, I think. It's so easy to have a shallow phone call: 'Hey, it's SO great hear from you!! You still in Arizona? Oh that's great. Um hmm. Um hmmm. How's Ted doing?' 

I've reconnected with a few high  school and college friends, always on Facebook.  Privately messaging each other. I find it to be a more comfortable way to catch up. I think it's also because i spend more time talking online overall -- email, forums, work etc--  I take time to pick the right words, and I feel like I'm wittier, more thoughtful, more clever in text.   Don't we all?  Its not exactly like we're great letter writers like the Civil War generation, but it's definitely a social world that is in some ways richer than it was  20, 30, 40 years ago.  At least for introverts like me. 

[AnotherDay]

I don't think your feelings must be hurt at all. 

Someone in the thread above has already mentioned that the way people use facebook is changing. It all goes about the concept "what you like on facebook is the way you want people to see you". So people now mostly tend to share the posts that would add to their personal image. People usually "like" something that's is very emotional, unusual, stands out somehow, an emotional trigger is crucial here. All other things they just take into account and go on scrolling. So there's nothing personal about it.

The other thing - we all are different and thus we have different moral values and understanding of social responsibility. When some of us think that responding to a post is a general politeness, the others - do not think this way, they might not even think about it at all. Everything is very subjective, at some point there's a doubt that objective reality even exists as there are hundreds of reaction combinations based on individual's nature-nurture background. And in the end, most of them are about what this individual thinks or feels, and how would other people perceive his response to this ot that information, and you as a creator of this peice of information are already out of the picture. Unfortunately, people now mostly think about themselves. 

 

[Holly]

Sometimes I scroll past posts, planning to comment or "like" the post later on.  With the new algorithms, I'm less likely to see it again and therefore won't respond, even though I have every intention of responding.  I personally wouldn't let it get to me. 

[katilac]

On 5/2/2018 at 5:08 PM, poppy said:

 

In that case, text with a "is now a good time to talk" versus ambushing a person with a phone call.

 

 

 

Laughing because this is me . . . don't ambush me with a phone call like some crazy ninja! Text like a normal person. 

22 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

 Were some of your posts perhaps things that one might not "like"? Sometimes I wish there were a couple other reaction buttons.

 

 

They have like, love, sad, and funny. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I've never heard of "liking" something just to acknowledge it or be polite. !?!??!?!??!?!?  I hand out about 30 likes a year between FB and WTM boards. What part of the country are you from?  What age demographic are you in that this is a normalized thing? 

I'm 45 and far prefer texts to calling. I'm almost never available to talk when someone calls.  It goes directly to voicemail 90% of the time and I call back later when I can talk. People in my social circles don't call to chit chat.  They text to arrange meetings and chat in person.  Otherwise they text or PM necessary information if they're not chit chatting. It's great having a text as written record of details so you don't have to keep them in your head.

[ThisIsTheDay]

6 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I've never heard of "liking" something just to acknowledge it or be polite. !?!??!?!??!?!?  I hand out about 30 likes a year between FB and WTM boards. What part of the country are you from?  What age demographic are you in that this is a normalized thing? 

I'm 45 and far prefer texts to calling. I'm almost never available to talk when someone calls.  It goes directly to voicemail 90% of the time and I call back later when I can talk. People in my social circles don't call to chit chat.  They text to arrange meetings and chat in person.  Otherwise they text or PM necessary information if they're not chit chatting. It's great having a text as written record of details so you don't have to keep them in your head.

For me, "like" encompasses a lot of different responses. You post that you can't sleep, I might "like" it because I can relate (or I might "sad face" it, depending on the person). You ask for prayer, I might "like" to indicate I am praying. You post a story about giant spiders invading your state, I might "like" because I'm glad you shared the article. You share about a lost dog or a dog needing a new home, I might "like" because it's a cute dog or because I think it's cool you're sharing. You post a photo of your hideous hairy toe that you hurt, I might "like" (or "wow") it because I can't believe you posted that ugly thing for all to see. Because FB is big on interaction, I might "like" something because I want to keep seeing you in my feed. I probably "like" 30 things every two days on FB. At least 1/4 of my friends are from homeschooling, from an old Sonlight list or locally. Another 1/4 are old elementary to high school friends, and I live on the opposite coast of where I grew up. I jut turned 50.

The only people that call me are my parents and siblings, and that is perfect for me. But I do remember liking when friends would call (20 years ago!), and we'd talk for an hour. I can't imagine that now (and can't imagine liking that now!). After having my phone for two years, I finally just set up my voice mail. It used to drive my dad crazy to not be able to leave a message, but I could see that he called, and I'd get back to him. No need to leave a voice mail! But then he would email me (lol) to tell me that he called.

I agree, we now text to arrange when to meet in person and talk. Or if it's someone who lives far away, IMing is perfect!