Opinions needed

[Heidi]

My dad has been married 7 times that I know of. His last wife of 20 years left him this past spring. She was 33 years younger than him, 8 years older than me. He is currently 76. When she divorced him, he went a little crazy. He got involved in internet scams trying to buy a wife from Africa. He posted two women that he was sure were real that he was supposedly in love with and were flying to America to marry him. The first one looked about my age, 36. When that fell through (because it was a scam) he posted about another woman that looked about 18-early 20s that he was flying to America to marry. That also didn't happen. I was horrified as I watched all of this unfold. 33 years age difference was one thing and I had a long time to adjust to her. But 50 years difference is obscene, imo. My oldest daughter is 13! I used to call him every month, but when he started doing the scams I stopped calling because he would not listen to reason. He didn't even notice I had stopped calling. He finally married a girl frm Atlanta that is 28 years old. Now that his personal life is somewhat stable, he called me up after about 9 months and wants to visit his grandkids and for us to meet his new wife. My husband is deployed and I don't want my dad anywhere near my children, especially with my husband gone, and I sure as heck don't want to meet the girl he married. Am I over reacting? I love my dad, but he has proven to be a freaking crazy pervert. Yet he acts as if nothing has changed. If I tell him how I really feel, it will break his heart. What would you do?

Edited November 27, 2017 by Heidi

[Guinevere]

I'd play the deployment card. Tell him things are too stressful right now and you'll have to talk about it when your dh gets back. You don't have to see your dad on his terms.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Marrying an adult much younger than him doesn't make him a pervert.  If he wanted to have sex with someone who was not of legal age, then yes.  Having said that, the scams he fell into and the frenzy around it makes it seem like he is suffering from mental illness of some kind, not just a normal need and desire for companionship in his life.  I don't really know what to advise.  I think that if possible that I would agree to meet him for dinner in a public place with his new wife.  He could see your children and you could all talk for a short period over dinner and then go your own ways.  But I think a lot of it is going to depend on what you are comfortable with and if he is appropriate when he's around your children in his speech and actions. 

[Heidi]

Marrying an adult much younger than him doesn't make him a pervert. If he wanted to have sex with someone who was not of legal age, then yes.

You're right. I think I'm just totally grossed out. I remember when I was a teen he commented on the size of my chest; it made me feel uncomfortable, but he never did anything else or say anything else about it. I was well-endowed at an early age, and now my oldest daughter is as well. And all this stuff with younger women... I'm just wary.

He is in Georgia and I'm in Colorado so it would be a stay of a few nights.

I'm almost positive he would not do or say anything inappropriate, but then again I'm nite really sure who he is anymore.

Edited November 27, 2017 by Heidi

[Heidi]

I'd play the deployment card. Tell him things are too stressful right now and you'll have to talk about it when your dh gets back. You don't have to see your dad on his terms.

I think I could word this in a nice way. Thank you.

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that as long as the women involved are women (18 and older) and not minors, then pervert isn't the right classification if we're just talking about age.  He's foolish to date women outside on stage of life (empty nesters and older) and the women in question probably have issues themselves, but at this point I don't see anything in your post that would indicate a meal in a public place once or twice a year or something like that is out of the question. Now there every well may be something that would make it out of question that shows he's a risk to your kids, but it's not in your post.

Mental illness clearly going on and you can't reason with mental illness. You can encourage him to get help but that's about it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Hm...that's a tough one.

 

On the one hand, I would not care so much about who my dad married even if she was a lot younger.  Why should it really matter to me?  But he does sound kinda flakey in general. The part about him practically ignoring you for all that time then suddenly interested in visiting your kids WOULD upset me. 

 

So..I dunno.

[kiwik]

Hm...that's a tough one.

 

On the one hand, I would not care so much about who my dad married even if she was a lot younger. Why should it really matter to me? But he does sound kinda flakey in general. The part about him practically ignoring you for all that time then suddenly interested in visiting your kids WOULD upset me.

 

So..I dunno.

The problem in my experience is getting siblings a ridiculous amount younger than you.

[SKL]

I understand the shock about the scams.  I have observed that some older people do seem to fall for scams rather easily.

 

I would try to find a way to meet with your dad alone rather than take your kids there.  I agree with playing the deployment card until your husband is around.  Or they could come and visit you on your terms.  I wouldn't tell him you refuse to meet him or your true feelings about his marriage.

 

If the marriage lasts long enough for you all to get together on your terms, by then you probably won't be so squicked out by it.

Edited December 1, 2017 by SKL

[catz]

Do you think he may have dementia?  Do you have siblings you could talk to about this?  I'd be more alarmed by mail order brides and not noticing you didn't keep in touch for many months over the exact age of a new wife.  I would not be a fan either. 

[displace]

Personally, I’m all about following your gut. If something is telling you NO, then don’t do it. Regain phone conversations first (if you’re interested), and see how that goes. Maybe consider FaceTime or Skype with him and his new wife to break the ice. Think about your true feelings and what you want to display to your daughter. I agree if she’s over 18, it’s legal. But, I would hesitate and vet a relationship before exposing my kids. It’s likely to be all sorts of dysfunctional, and exposing kids to healthy relationships (even with a huge age gap), is different than a dysfunctional relationship.

 

I would not physically visit without a prolonged reacquainting period.

 

Not to excuse behavior, but it used to be common for family to remark on girls’ breast development. Not that it was right, then, but it was considered not inappropriate. Remember 16 candles and the grandfather remarking on Molly? Weird, but it was normalized.

 

I’d also caution mentioning deployment and visiting unless you’re thinking you would actually visit. There’s no point in delaying a No answer as an excuse for when your DH returns if his presence will not really change your answer.

 

Is it possible he wants a wife because he feels his mortality keenly? I’d maybe even bring up the quantity of wives/their ages if you feel like discussing it as reasoning for not visiting right away, if you feel that way.

[Xahm]

I think that, with a deployed husband especially, it makes sense to surround your children as much as possible with stable people and relationships. A grandfather who breezes in and out with a series of wives of whatever age is not stable. I wouldn't let my kids meet his wife until they were together at least a year and it seemed stable. I think I'd feel comfortable telling someone that explicitly. My bil actually put on a similar rule for his brother's girl friends because his kids were getting confused, and there wasn't even anything at all creepy going on, just a guy trying to find "the one" (which he finally did, hooray!)

[Lecka]

I would put it off.  You don't need to deal with this right now, and your husband doesn't need to worry about you or worry that you are stressed even if everything is fine, because it sounds like it will definitely be stressful. 

 

It seems very "all about him" to be honest. 

[Heidi]

Thanks for the comments.  It helps to get outside perspective.  It is always all about him.  I know that.  He has also been crazy his whole life and has pulled pathetic stunts that would blow you away; it's just that this is a new type of crazy he's never done before.  I read a definition of "psychopath" once that described him perfectly, except he's not violent (anymore).  He definitely has mental issues and has forever.  When he called out of the blue, I lied to him and told him that I was visiting my in-laws for Christmas; I needed a fast excuse.  He may not call me again for a while OR he may show up at my doorstep uninvited.  I live in Colorado and he lives in Georgia, btw.  Anyway... I should probably tell him the truth about Christmas and try to say something kind that will still keep him away for a year, but I'm procrastinating.  I preferred the silent treatment.  

[Xahm]

Can you send him a Christmas card with the wrong return address on it, telling him you've moved so that he can't just show up? I'm not sure whether or not I'm joking on this one.

[lavender's green]

It sounds like you need stability in your life right now, and he is the very definition of instability. I think putting the meeting off for a year or more sounds reasonable. There's nothing wrong with emotionally protecting yourself and your kids, especially when your husband's deployed.

 

FWIW, I would also be squicked out if my dad married someone 8 years younger than me. I wonder how she'd react to your kids calling her grandma?

[LMD]

You know, you are allowed to just say no. You are allowed to trust your gut feeling. You don't owe his new wife anything.

 

The buying a wife like an accessory would have me... not being nice.

I would not be having that in my home in front of my teenage daughter - I would not normalise this relationship in her mind.

Edited December 1, 2017 by LMD

[Ausmumof3]

Yeah the age difference is one thing but trying to buy a wife? I'd be seriously worried about dementia but not sure if there's much you can do about it. If you can leave your kids with someone safe it may be worth checking the situation in person to make sure he's at least physically safe and cared for. I wouldn't take kids though. If that's not possible there's probably not much you can do.

[solascriptura]

Slightly off topic, but that is crazy! Have you ever outright talked to him about it? He truly doesn’t care about the motivation of these internet brides that he’s meeting? I would just make an excuse and put it off for a while.

[Reefgazer]

From what you posted, he is doing nothing illegal or perverted; it seems he is a serial monogamist with a penchant for younger women, but that is not perverted.  I do think you are over-reacting and I would let him see his grandchildren.

Edited December 2, 2017 by reefgazer

[kroe1]

There is no one whom you have to have in your home. Just say, “noâ€.