Mean Girls in Middle School

[Peaceseeker]

Private schools can be even worse than public school. There is nowhere to get away from those kids in small private schools sometimes. The same group of 15-20 kids have known each other since preschool. That means 8-10 girls who have had years to form their 1-2 cliques. If the public schools aren't terrible you might consider them or give homeschooling a chance. At least at a public school the net is wider and she might find a few friends or find her tribe there. The decision doesn't have to be permanent either way. If what you choose now ends up not working you can try something different for 7th grade.

Edited October 29, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[8filltheheart]

Homeschooling a gifted child can be fun and rewarding for both parent and child. This could an opportunity for her to de-stress, get used to her new home, and explore academics in a way she might not have had the chance to do before.

 

We are also Catholic and have spent most of the past 20+ yrs as a very small percentage of the homeschooling population. We also just recently moved (our kids still at home are in 2nd, 6th, and 10th). In a tri-city area we know of only 2 other Catholic homeschooling families even though the homeschooling population is quite large here. In the 4 months we have been here, only the 7 yr old has made friends easily. Middle and high school ages are just really hard ages to move. The older 2 are starting to make connections that they hope will lead to friendships, and none have been pursued strictly via the homeschooling community.

 

What opportunities do exist in your community? We have moved quite a few times over the yrs due to my Dh being transferred. We have found some communities work very hard at welcoming all kids. American Heritage Girls has been one such organization. (AHG troops typically tend to be a blend of ps and homeschool kids.) Where we just moved has several troops and we found one that actually has a very active high school age group. It has been a huge blessing for our 10th grader. (We were part of a troop where we used to live that didn't have any teens, so it is variable. But even that troop had an active middle school age group.) Community choir has been another great welcoming group (and the kids tend to be very musically inclined. A pianist would fit in perfectly. And, no, they don't have to be really good singers, just be willing to learn how to sing.) Library book studies--our local libraries have had several teen groups. Church activities--Jr Legion of Mary, youth group, etc for kid focus or volunteering for ground clean up, church cleaning, Thanksgiving/Christmas community outreach as way to meet other families in the church.

 

Best wishes as you make your decision. Moving in 6th is hard enough. I'm sorry your Dd is being bullied on top of it.

Edited October 29, 2017 by 8FillTheHeart

[Miss Tick]

Don't get blinded by sunk costs if she is miserable and the school is not working is there really a benefit in leaving her there for another two months?. In fact, if she is being so clearly bullied I would consider pulling her and making a bit of a stink about getting a refund! Not that I think you would be likely successful, but at least it would be clear to the school exactly what is going on.

 

Whatever you decide, it sounds like you are on the right track separating pulling her from school from figuring out homeschooling.

 

Best of luck.

[...................]

yes, isn't there a fallacy we studied in Logic stage regarding sunken costs?  :)  It's the Sunk Cost Fallacy :)

Edited October 29, 2017 by Calming Tea

[shawthorne44]

No socialization is better than bad socialization.  

 

I was bullied in elementary school.   Not horribly, but I was.  So, as an adult, I've paid attention to research on that.   One thing I noticed in the research was that middle school bullying has the biggest negative impact on our brains.  My middle school was fine.  Not only didn't I experience it, but I never saw it.   

[Garga]

yes, isn't there a fallacy we studied in Logic stage regarding sunken costs? :) It's the Sunk Cost Fallacy :)

Don't get blinded by sunk costs if she is miserable and the school is not working is there really a benefit in leaving her there for another two months?. In fact, if she is being so clearly bullied I would consider pulling her and making a bit of a stink about getting a refund! Not that I think you would be likely successful, but at least it would be clear to the school exactly what is going on.

Whatever you decide, it sounds like you are on the right track separating pulling her from school from figuring out homeschooling.

Best of luck.

It doesn't exactly fit, but I often think of the phrase, "Don't throw good money after bad." Just because you wasted your money on something wrong, don't spend more money on that wrong thing trying to fix it. Just walk away from the money wasted and start on a new path.

 

The stuff that happened to your daughter brings back middle school for me. It was like that every day for years at my Catholic middle school. It affected me throughout my whole life. Took me till my 30's to get past it.

 

Yank her out of there asap. Keep her home tomorrow and tell the school you'll be coming by after the kids are released for the day to get her stuff from her desk (her pencils or whatever.)

 

Take a couple of weeks and find materials to teach her school. It's ok if she takes off a few weeks now.

Edited October 29, 2017 by Garga

[AnnMarie000]

Thank you everyone, I will come back and respond to everyone's thoughtful comments. 

 

So in today's edition of Truth is stranger than fiction, I started researching the parents some of the girls....just normal internet googling. Nothing major. I started with the parents of the two girls my DD complains about the most

 

I found out that BOTH of their fathers have been indicted and sentenced/plea-bargained/whatever...DELETED (kind of getting scared, reference to white-collar crime)

 

I mean, you just can't make this stuff up. 

 

Now I'm just thinking of slinking away from this school....very...very....quietly  :leaving:

Edited October 29, 2017 by AnnMarie000

[Reefgazer]

Are there other options for public or private school where you are?

 

 

 

Her social needs outside of the family aren't super high. She likes school though in general, so this is a tough one

 

I think she wants to be in a school, but not this one.

[Tanaqui]

Sounds like those girls have some family problems. That combined with puberty will certainly make children unpleasant.

[KrissiK]

I would pull her out. As someone else mentioned, there's little the school can do. Kindness comes from the heart of a person, they can't be forced to be nice to someone. I'm so sorry this is happening to her. It sounds awful!

[sweet2ndchance]

Like the others said, I wouldn't hesitate to pull her out Monday morning. It wouldn't matter to me how much money I had already spent on tuition, my child's emotional well being is so much more important. It's not like she has not given it a good try. Two months of having to deal with snotty preteen girls everyday is enough to make full grown adults come home crying in some cases. I would consider it an expensive lesson learned and bring her home immediately.

 

She will need time to deschool and recover emotionally anyways, so I would spend the month of November letting her read books she loves from her own collection or the library. After the first week, I would let her help me research curriculum options and have her think on what kinds of activities she might like to be involved in. The next week is Thanksgiving so we would unschool a bit and have her help plan and prepare Thanksgiving dinner as her school project for that week. Then after Thanksgiving we would finish up any curriculum ordering and waiting for boxes to arrive. Maybe find a fun Christmas unit study online to do in December. Then officially start your new homeschool in January when she has had plenty of down time from her bad institutional school experience and is ready to tackle the new adventure with you. If need be, you can school through the summer to make up these deschooling days. You don't necessarily have to but you can if you need to.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Middle school is just rough especially for girls. Mean girls is a totally valid reason to bring a child home to school and you are certainly not the first to consider it nor will you be the last sadly.

[greenfields]

Just a simple rule of thumb - don't continue to pay for a bad environment and service.

 

I would suggest that you take your money, leave, and find a better school or environment.

 

Best wishes!

[bolt.]

This is all very true, and I agree with what most people are saying -- but I want to add: middle schoolers are often mean with different motives than we tend to ascribe to them. They are, in fact, very young humans. They are "mean" for the same reasons that toddlers bite: because they are immature and overwhelmed, self-oriented, usually under-supervised and under-led (in school settings) and frequently impulsive. They aren't bad. They are just small. And, yes, they hurt others with their behaviour, which needs to be stopped... but they don't need to be blamed. I wish they could all have someone to watch over them and teach them right from wrong, and why. Someone to raise their ideals and help inspire them to become people who have reasons to be proud of themselves. It wouldn't be that hard. (I hate to see so much potential wasted by forcing middle schoolers to live in the dog-eat-dog context of an under-supervised peer-run social scene until they all immaturely traumatize each other!)

[AnnMarie000]

Sounds like those girls have some family problems. That combined with puberty will certainly make children unpleasant.

 

Yeah, what I found yesterday did not make me feel better. 

 

I mean, their fathers are basically sociopaths. And I'm going to ask the school to work with them to be nicer? It's a joke

[AnnMarie000]

This is all very true, and I agree with what most people are saying -- but I want to add: middle schoolers are often mean with different motives than we tend to ascribe to them. They are, in fact, very young humans. They are "mean" for the same reasons that toddlers bite: because they are immature and overwhelmed, self-oriented, usually under-supervised and under-led (in school settings) and frequently impulsive. They aren't bad. They are just small. And, yes, they hurt others with their behaviour, which needs to be stopped... but they don't need to be blamed. I wish they could all have someone to watch over them and teach them right from wrong, and why. Someone to raise their ideals and help inspire them to become people who have reasons to be proud of themselves. It wouldn't be that hard. (I hate to see so much potential wasted by forcing middle schoolers to live in the dog-eat-dog context of an under-supervised peer-run social scene until they all immaturely traumatize each other!)

 

I agree with this so much.

 

One thing that is not helping is social media. I think most of them have phones (which is fine, my kids have phones too for safety reasons). But these girls are all on Snapchat and Instagram. They are 10!!! The terms of service even say you have to be 13. 

 

They are just little kids who need guidance and they certainly don't need those possible weapons in their hands :(

[AnnMarie000]

Are there other options for public or private school where you are?

 

 

 

 

I'm not against public school necessarily. It's not my first choice for religious reasons, but it's an option. We didn't go with public school when we moved here because she would have been put into a very large middle school  (1000+ kids)

[AnnMarie000]

It doesn't exactly fit, but I often think of the phrase, "Don't throw good money after bad." Just because you wasted your money on something wrong, don't spend more money on that wrong thing trying to fix it. Just walk away from the money wasted and start on a new path.

 

The stuff that happened to your daughter brings back middle school for me. It was like that every day for years at my Catholic middle school. It affected me throughout my whole life. Took me till my 30's to get past it.

 

Yank her out of there asap. Keep her home tomorrow and tell the school you'll be coming by after the kids are released for the day to get her stuff from her desk (her pencils or whatever.)

 

Take a couple of weeks and find materials to teach her school. It's ok if she takes off a few weeks now.

 

Oh no, I don't care about the money. I was just thinking ahead to when the next tuition payment is due.

 

I agree, if we pull her permanently, I think I'm just going to have her do a bit of math everyday and read some good books on her own time. I can regroup after the holidays.

[AnnMarie000]

Homeschooling a gifted child can be fun and rewarding for both parent and child. This could an opportunity for her to de-stress, get used to her new home, and explore academics in a way she might not have had the chance to do before.

 

We are also Catholic and have spent most of the past 20+ yrs as a very small percentage of the homeschooling population. We also just recently moved (our kids still at home are in 2nd, 6th, and 10th). In a tri-city area we know of only 2 other Catholic homeschooling families even though the homeschooling population is quite large here. In the 4 months we have been here, only the 7 yr old has made friends easily. Middle and high school ages are just really hard ages to move. The older 2 are starting to make connections that they hope will lead to friendships, and none have been pursued strictly via the homeschooling community.

 

What opportunities do exist in your community? We have moved quite a few times over the yrs due to my Dh being transferred. We have found some communities work very hard at welcoming all kids. American Heritage Girls has been one such organization. (AHG troops typically tend to be a blend of ps and homeschool kids.) Where we just moved has several troops and we found one that actually has a very active high school age group. It has been a huge blessing for our 10th grader. (We were part of a troop where we used to live that didn't have any teens, so it is variable. But even that troop had an active middle school age group.) Community choir has been another great welcoming group (and the kids tend to be very musically inclined. A pianist would fit in perfectly. And, no, they don't have to be really good singers, just be willing to learn how to sing.) Library book studies--our local libraries have had several teen groups. Church activities--Jr Legion of Mary, youth group, etc for kid focus or volunteering for ground clean up, church cleaning, Thanksgiving/Christmas community outreach as way to meet other families in the church.

 

Best wishes as you make your decision. Moving in 6th is hard enough. I'm sorry your Dd is being bullied on top of it.

 

Thanks for your comment. Yes, homeschooling as a Catholic doesn't seem to be the easiest thing in this area, but everything is possible.

 

There are activities around here, I just have to find them. I looked for an AHG troop and there are none nearby unfortunately

 

I think there might be a Latin Mass homeschooling community so that might be an option too. And she definitely has some options with her love of music.

 

You just become very dependent on school when you have been in it for so long. I've been in school with my kids for 15 years now, including preschool.  It's a hard habit to break as a parent. 

Edited October 30, 2017 by AnnMarie000

[...................]

((Hugs))

 

I have been homeschooling for 10 years and I never sent my kids to school - yet I still

Miss a lot of things about school! :) I really feel for you and your dd.

[Sahamamama2]

Does this merit pulling her out?

Do I give this more time?

Even if I'm not that great at finding activities for her (I'm sure I can find a few but this isn't my strength), is it better to do your schooling in peace rather than deal with this every day?

 

Any advice welcome  :)

 

In that situation, yes, I would homeschool, but then, we have always homeschooled. 

 

Parents with children in our local middle school say the bullying is very, very bad. When we first started homeschooling, my goal was to get all three girls up through 3rd grade. When we moved here, that goal changed to "through middle school." Then we heard that the high school has a horrendous drug and alcohol problem... sigh. I feel sorry for the kids stuck in those situations, honestly. With my girls, hopefully we'll be able to homeschool through high school, and like you said, just avoid all that social drama.

 

So, yes, I would homeschool her. But you have to ask yourself if that is what YOU want to do. It's work, and no mistake. We have to be honest with ourselves about our own commitment to the task at hand, our willingness to do the hard work of homeschooling. When my girls were little, homeschooling them was actually easier than doing the school routine would have been, but that has now shifted. Homeschooling them now is much more work, in a certain sense, than putting them in school would be. But with homeschooling, we have autonomy and freedom that we would never have if we were tied down to a school system. At this point, it would be incredibly tough for us to give up that autonomy, however much work there is to homeschooling. You get used to being your own boss, KWIM?

 

As for getting "out there" every day, as some have suggested you do, my question to that is "Why?" I don't think there's a problem with being a home-body, really. Every family can find their own balance of at-home work and outside activities to create a whole, rich life for each member. We are definitely not out the door each day, and we like it that way. The girls have some high-quality activities outside the home, but they also have personal hobbies and interests right here, where they live. I think that sometimes there is a misconception that every interesting thing you could pursue has to happen outside the home, in a classroom, or in a group setting. But home can be a rich and interesting place in which to learn and grow. Fill your home life with good things -- music, books, crafts, pets, hobbies, games, recreation, family traditions, healthy meals, chores, rest, and so on -- and there will be plenty to fill up your lives for a long time. :) HTH.

[Sahamamama2]

I agree, if we pull her permanently, I think I'm just going to have her do a bit of math everyday and read some good books on her own time. I can regroup after the holidays.

 

:iagree:

 

Here's what I would do:

(1) Line up Math as soon as possible, and work through that consistently

(2) Establish daily & weekly routines for November & December (e.g., Daily = math, reading, instrument, chores, laundry, meals, exercise, hygiene, hobbies, pets, etc.; Weekly = grocery shopping, errands, library, park, church, etc.)

(3) Work together to set up your new home, become familiar with your new community & church, prepare for the holidays, etc.

(4) Plan & prep for the rest of the school year (January through May/June) 

Edited October 30, 2017 by Sahamamama2

[8filltheheart]

 

You just become very dependent on school when you have been in it for so long. I've been in school with my kids for 15 years now, including preschool.  It's a hard habit to break as a parent. 

 

 

But with homeschooling, we have autonomy and freedom that we would never have if we were tied down to a school system. At this point, it would be incredibly tough for us to give up that autonomy, however much work there is to homeschooling. You get used to being your own boss, KWIM?

 

I cannot agree with Sahamamama2 more.  School bureaucracy is so confining to me that it makes me cringe to think about being dependent on that system for my kids' educations.  Homeschooling has been such a blessing for our family.  I had never even heard of homeschooling before we started back in the early 90s, so it wasn't entered into with long term intent.  But, one we started, there was no turning back.   I fell in love with the educational freedom we had and with my children's natural inquisitiveness blossoming into inquiring, critical thinkers.

[Milknhoney]

I think that all the good reasons to pull her have been stated. I wasn't bullied but I don't have any fond memories from middle school. Even now at age 42 I can struggle with feelings of low self worth, and I believe many of those seeds were planted in grade 6 and beyond. The scars are lasting. 

 

Mostly just wanted to give you suggestions on what to do with her for November and December if you choose to pull her immediately.

 

I am so busy with homeschooling that I don't always have time to enjoy the holidays like I'd want to. Second, figuring out your homeschool philosophy and what curriculum matches is going to take some time and not something to rush into. So if I were you I would spend November and December doing all the things I wish I had time for - watching Thanksgiving/Christmas documentaries and movies, reading relevant stories, baking, and doing lots of fun seasonal crafts. Recently I took my kids on a field trip to the local farm where they got to play and pick a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. First time I've gotten around to doing that and they loved it. Someday soon we'll make pumpkin puree and roast the seeds, and then find pumpkin recipes.

 

I'd keep up math but take your time choosing a curriculum. In the meantime just find worksheets online. I like mathdrills.com. Use the remainder of the year to read The Well Trained Mind and other books to figure out how you want to approach homeschooling and choose your curriculum. Start in January.

 

Also I'd think about a doing a daily Bible study on who she is in Christ. To remind her that she is a beloved daughter and special creation. This to undo the screwed up messaging she's been getting for the last two months. Not a catholic so don't have any specific resources to recommend other than to just start reading through the epistles.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.  I'd either find a different school or pull her out.

[...................]

:iagree:

 

Here's what I would do:

(1) Line up Math as soon as possible, and work through that consistently

(2) Establish daily & weekly routines for November & December (e.g., Daily = math, reading, instrument, chores, laundry, meals, exercise, hygiene, hobbies, pets, etc.; Weekly = grocery shopping, errands, library, park, church, etc.)

(3) Work together to set up your new home, become familiar with your new community & church, prepare for the holidays, etc.

(4) Plan & prep for the rest of the school year (January through May/June)

 

Love this advice!!!!

[daijobu]

I've homeschooled since K.  When middle school hit, older dd really wanted to go to school, but I played the mommy card and made her homeschool middle school, just because of the sort of situation OP described (but it was hypothetical because neither dd attended middle school). 

 

Sometimes it isn't the school that's a bad apple, but I've heard parents and teachers talk about some years with nice kids and other years where you have some bad apples making life miserable for everyone.  At the same school.    

 

I gave each dd the opportunity to attend high school, and one decided to homeschool high school, and one is enrolled in high school.  But the dd in regular school knows I've got her back if things go south.  

 

I think if someone asked me to give up my lunch seat I'd have a hard time holding back tears.  I'm near 50 yo.  

 

Pull her out now.  Take her to the library and have her read anything she wants and let her deschool.  Take her to some outing like a museum or similar.   Watch movies, and maybe even educational ones!  

 

Start researching math curricula and choose one for her and begin.  Do the same with another subject and repeat: science, history, english, etc.  

 

Middle doesn't really count except for developing solid math and writing skills, so don't sweat it.  If you are stressed about getting behind, do what I do and school year round (when not in camps or on vacation).  You get 2-3 extra months of schooling for free!  

 

You can do this.  

[SanDiegoMom]

I agree with everyone about pulling her out. However don't necessarily discount the larger public school. All schools are different, but larger schools have more turnover, more diversity, more places for new people to find their place. It's not the same group of kids hour by hour, and there are bound to be other people in a large lunchroom that need someone to sit with. Also in my oldest daughter's middle school the band director and English teacher both let kids come eat lunch in their classrooms anytime they wanted. 

 

My kids are doing well with their activities -- one does intensive ballet and one does Brazilian Ju jitsu and math club, and they facetime their friends every day to play minecraft. We do field trips once or twice a month. They don't have a lot of friends, but they have a couple of close friends. It's working for now.

[...................]

what Dijaibo said really struck me...

 

How would we, even at 40 or 50 years old, feel, if people asked us to give up our seat at lunch and shunned us every day, all day long?? 

[Tanaqui]

I agree with everyone about pulling her out. However don't necessarily discount the larger public school. All schools are different, but larger schools have more turnover, more diversity, more places for new people to find their place. It's not the same group of kids hour by hour, and there are bound to be other people in a large lunchroom that need someone to sit with. Also in my oldest daughter's middle school the band director and English teacher both let kids come eat lunch in their classrooms anytime they wanted.

 

While I agree in principle, I'll point out that middle schools are run differently from place to place. Where I went to school, even though there were a good 1,000 kids in the school and you moved classrooms, you did in fact stay with the same kids every period except for your two "special" classes, which were with a different group of kids. (Arts focused, so you might be grouped with chorus or band, and then you'd all do chorus or band together and one other elective each quarter.) And you stayed with the same kids in your homeroom and your special for the entire three years you were there. And you ate lunch at your assigned table. (Unless you didn't. I went to the library during lunch with one or two other girls. A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that she went to the assistant principal's office during lunch and "helped out". My school was awful, though, and that's sort of not the point of this comment, so I'll shut up now.)

 

[shawthorne44]

what Dijaibo said really struck me...

 

How would we, even at 40 or 50 years old, feel, if people asked us to give up our seat at lunch and shunned us every day, all day long?? 

 

I'd had a cubicle wall neighbor that didn't like me.  Which is fine, I don't need everyone to like me.  But, she talked at length, 11 times that I counted, about how much she hates her sister.   Why is that bad?   She described me physically to a tee.   At great length, and as the reason that she hated her sister.  Once, ok, maybe I remind her of her sister, whatever.   But 11 times.   And the descriptions were very pointed.  I was so ridiculously happy when there was a cubicle reconfig and she moved far away.  

 

One thing with adults, generally they are more subtle than middle-schoolers.  Which doesn't make it better, but it makes it harder to confront.  You don't get a chance to say things like, "Did you really just ask me, again, to change lunch seats ?'   

[AdventuresinHomeschooling]

I just wanted to welcome you and wish I could give you a big hug. I wish you lived near us, and I'd introduce you to my sixth grader.

 

We just moved too, and transition is so hard. I got some grief from family for not putting my kids in public school this year to make friends in a new city. All I kept thinking was that middle school can be an awful time to be the new kid. I moved partly through seventh grade to a private school in a new city, and the middle school girls were awful. I completely block out middle school from my memory whenever I can. And I even had the one friend I made, but that didn't stop me from being on the pay phone in eighth grade at school crying begging my mom to let me homeschool. I had several friends at my church who went to a homeschool co-op, and I did that for high school. I graduated high school in three years and went on to a great college experience. I can't imagine going through all of that with the complexity of social media added in.

 

Just last week, another newly moved mom who just moved here reached out on our local homeschool Facebook page, and ten of us with middle schoolers joined at the park for them all to meet. You can reach out to others and find those connections, and you don't have to join a co-op or ten activities. Think about a few things she'd like to do and ways to make friends. Look up the homeschooling groups from your state homeschool network and then ask others. It'll happen in time. But there's nothing wrong with being a little bit of a homebody.

 

Anyways, just wanted to encourage and welcome you.

[MedicMom]

You don't need homeschool specific activities. In our community, kids can be involved in choir, music group lessons, community theater, sports that are not run through the schools, art classes, nature programs, scouts, robotics, library programs.

This is a small town two hours from a city; if you are in a larger city or closer to a city, there are many more opportunities. Museums, science centers etc have programs.

 

You have no sports at all? No stables that offer riding lessons, fitness studios that offer kid yoga or martial arts, no pool for swimming, no hiking group, no climbing gym?

 

You could even create your own group.

If it’s anything like where I live—no, there is none of that within an hour drive. There’s a stable that offers horseback riding lessons 45 minutes away and a YWCA with twice a week open pool times about an hour drive.

 

It sucks, but the reality is that life here revolves around the public school and there are few homeschoolers.

[Btervet]

I'd pull her out today. Mean girl bullying is serious and shouldn't be pushed aside.

 

 

TRIGGER WARNING

 

 

 

 

 

We lost my 11yo niece to suicide to largely to middle school bullying. No one saw it coming. You read the stories but it's never "your kid". Then it is.

 

Safety first. Then worry about socialization and education. But always put their safety first.

[shawthorne44]

I'd pull her out today. Mean girl bullying is serious and shouldn't be pushed aside.

 

 

TRIGGER WARNING

 

 

 

 

 

We lost my 11yo niece to suicide to largely to middle school bullying. No one saw it coming. You read the stories but it's never "your kid". Then it is.

 

Safety first. Then worry about socialization and education. But always put their safety first.

 

 

Big hugs.  

Yeah, socialization can happen later.