WWYD? Friend's kids and food

[SereneHome]

Yes, Tibbie - THANK YOU!!

 

I have a headache from hell and re-typed my message 4 times and it still didn't say what I was trying to say.  So, thank you for saying it for me

[SKL]

Regarding not eating in front of hungry children - in the practical situation that I think is described by the OP (IIUC), what I would do is force my kids to share what we brought even if it wasn't enough for all of the kids.  Then we would figure out the rest later.  Eat lunch earlier or whatever.

 

If the other mom is a good friend, more than likely she would feel uncomfortable seeing my kids give up food when they too are hungry, and she would do her part to make sure it didn't happen regularly.

 

Worst case, we would plan to avoid eating in their presence at all, by having shorter shared activities.

[fralala]

My sister struggles with an eating disorder, and sadly, if that is part of the issue here, there is nothing you can say that is going to significantly affect the parents' behavior.

 

Every sane, reasonable argument postulated previously in this thread about reasonable portions, limiting snacking, and so forth may be co-opted by the person afflicted with an eating disorder to explain why they are controlling their child's food intake. And also to explain away their own eating behavior: "I'm just a light eater. I don't snack. I already ate."

 

At least, that is my experience. Yes, say something, because you must, but be prepared to be rebuffed with criticism of your own parenting or diatribes about the eating habits of most people, which are valid from a social standpoint but invalid when an active, growing child is asking for a second helping of chicken and sweet potatoes (to give one potentially healthy, nourishing example) or can't make it for 4-6 hours between meals without a handful of nuts or a yogurt and an apple. Expect the possibility that the person who is being question will latch onto the one time they saw your children chowing down on Goldfish and juice only 30 minutes before lunchtime, or the time you served bowls of Cheerios for lunch, as evidence that you have no right to speak on this issue.

 

Now, hopefully your friends are just kind of oblivious as to these issues, but there's also a chance that what you see as small appetites is restricting. And this is a very hard issue to deal with. If your friend doesn't get mad at you for sharing your food, that's very promising and I agree that explicitly planning for snacks and lunch is your best bet. What do the parents say when their kids are whining or behaving badly and you ask them, "What's going on w/ ______? It seems like he's not feeling that great right now." Good luck.

[Arcadia]

How old are your friend’s kids? I was thinking older kids can pack their own food for hikes. My kids brought pasteurized milk, water bottles, granola bars in their small backpack.

 

I used to be the official emergency pickup person for my oldest boy’s kindergarten classmates for some of my neighbors. The school wanted to see a parent for Kindergarten while 1st grade onwards can walk home alone. My neighbors explicitly say to not feed their kids so that was easy enough for me. I know for one child it was because she would ask for food all day including from strangers and her mom wants to break that habit. The little girl wasn’t hungry but find it fun to ask for food. Another child won’t eat dinner if he gets fed after school by others and then wake up hungry at night so the parents have to do “meal time and portions controlâ€.

 

The rest of the neighbors kids were just doing food comparison and whining. They already compared and whined about packed school lunches so I can understand the parents would be thankful not to hear their kids whine about someone else serving them something that the parents don’t usually buy. For example we only buy strawberries when they are in season but one of my neighbor buys them regardless of price. My strawberry loving kid would feel deprived if he goes there on play dates and get unlimited servings of strawberries but my husband won’t get any because the prices are high off season. One parent stopped play dates because of her son whining and I have heard him whine so it was tough on her because it meant she didn’t get to chat much with other moms during those years.

 

If every thing else is well and good, I’ll just avoid mealtimes for activities together. I don’t think I would comment on the kids meal though because my husband don’t like our kids to eat so much outside food so my kids have ordered the kids meal and then top up later at home. Or in the case of IKEA, my kids eat the kids meal as a midmorning snack because they will be eating lunch elsewhere. You could just comment and let it go if nothing changes.

 

I do find growth spurt cost do add up significantly if caught by surprise. My kids wear adult size shoes which cost a lot more than me wearing children size shoes. DS12 pants and shirts are already crossing over to be adults section. He is wearing my husband’s shirts sometimes since he wear adult small size. He is my small eater and picky as well so the cost of feeding him hasn’t gone up much compared to clothing costs. Our family income is comfortably middle income but my husband did felt sticker shock over the prices and ended up buying in bulk for jeans during children’s place sales when it was $7 for all sizes.

Edited September 29, 2017 by Arcadia

[StephanieZ]

I think you are misunderstanding. The poster you quoted, and I and a million others, WOULD want to feed the world. We've done it when possible, sacrificed to do it, never miss a canned food drive.

 

But we CAN'T do it as a regular thing, without some member of our family skipping a few meals to cover it.

 

If we are surprised by a hungry child in front of us, *in that moment* we will hand over our own meal, or the last bit of food in the cupboard, and figure it out later (even if it means begging our neighbors or our church).

 

If it's a regular thing that our friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances are not adequately feeding their children, our help will look like resource finding. Listening, understanding, and connecting to solutions. Because we don't have Star Trek food replicators or the grocery money to act like we do.

 

For anyone reading - that is STILL helping. That is STILL changing lives. If you can't afford to feed the world, give thanks that you can still feed your own kids. THEN marshal your wits and mobilize your skills to care about hungry children in your community - which you can do without wealth.

 

Know where the food banks are.

Know who the school resource people are.

Find out if the child's school has a backsack program.

Make sure the family knows how to apply for free lunch.

If they homeschool, have the courage to talk about options, food stamps, WIC.

Raise awareness in your church, to get some resources diverted to hunger.

Volunteer at Gleaners, soup kitchens, homeless shelters, Second Harvest.

Vote for people who will not cut programs that feed elderly, disabled, and children.

 

It's wonderful when the wealthy of our society may travel about with igloo coolers full of food for children. But those of us cooking dollar store dried beans and rice for our own kids, and thankful to have it, can get involved, too!

 

I do think that not eating in front of hungry people is something that is important, especially for poor people who have some food insecurity of our own. I mean, if you've ever been hungry, you are going to split that candy bar if a hungry adult is watching you eat it. If it's a child, you're going to give him the candy bar, and then you're going to ask his mother why he's hungry.

 

You make a lot of great points.

 

I was responding to OP's situation. It doesn't sound like there is a food shortage or food insecurity in her friend's family, but likely just some weird food related mental issues. She wasn't talking about this happening with other families on a regular basis, just this one. 

 

I've been "this way" about food forever. Among groups and friends in several states and from (nearly) all levels of economic scale . . . There's only *one* family in all these years who has regularly "not done their part" and I'm pretty sure they are just weird/controlling/somewhat abusive and use food as part of that control. So, their food weirdness/stinginess is just one family that I interact with. I've interacted with 100s of families over the decades of parenting . . . 

 

I really would be shocked if anyone took 'my attitude' about food and found that they, over the long term, ended up spending a huge amount on extra food. I believe that the vast majority of folks would respond in kind, and it'd largely balance out. Especially if you prioritized sending economical snacks/food rather than junky expensive stuff. (Big bag of home made trail mix vs Clif bars . . .), you can  feed a lot of people for not a whole lot of money. I'm not saying this to argue that you should spend more than you are comfortable, but rather that you might be surprised how little extra you spend over the long run . . . 

 

1 lb of trail mix  . . .  is, what, about $4? And probably has 2000 calories per pound. That's a lot of kid-food for $4. Buy  it on sale, and you're good to go. :) 

 

So, anyway, I was answering WWYD (What would *I* do) -- not "What should YOU do" . . . 

[MrsMommy]

I think this is one of those things you have to build into the expectations of the day for your friend.  "We'll be breaking for a picnic lunch at 12.  I'm packing this, this, and this in our picnic so we don't have to eat out.  What are you guys bringing?"  And also pointing out the kids' behavior: "He sounds hangry.  When did you last eat?" And then looking appalled if it's been more than 5 hours.  "Oh, honey!  Kids are little energy machines!  They need food about every 4-5 hours, chica!  Here, let's see what I have in my purse."

 

 

My kid doesn't snack usually.  He eats at 7:30/8, 12, 4, and 7.  4 is a light meal/large snack, I guess.  It never fails to annoy me when parents whip out snack at library, playgroup, etc. when kids really should focus on playing or being attentive - it brought bad habits into our house of food any time a child was bored.  So we stopped.  But it means that sometimes we're caught unawares when events run longer than I think.  I'm a light eater but the absolute routine makes it so our house runs well for our kid.

 

But honestly - the restrictions on food and the lack of recognition of these things may point to a deeper issue and a possible disorder on her part of how she approaches food. 

 

If anyone ever spoke to me in a way similar to the bolded, that would likely be the last time we did anything together. I don't appreciate being talked down to.

 

As for the original post, I can't imagine doing anything. Not providing snacks or seconds does not make a person a bad parent, especially when you're only seeing a small glimpse into their lives. If we went to someone else's house for dinner, or had other people over, I would probably discourage seconds for my children, to be polite for the former, and to make sure there was enough for the guests for the latter. And while it might not be ideal to go from 8-2 without food, it's not the end of the world. I would mind my own business.

[ktgrok]

I don't think that's cultural. I think that's good person / bad person. (With you on the good person side of the table!)

 

I'd drop dead before I pulled out food in front of hungry kids, and told them, no, sorry, only enough for my family. Oh my God, I truly cannot imagine much things uglier than that.

 

Nope. Never. No way.

 

And, if I ever heard a person say such a thing, I'd be so disgusted with them that I'd never be friends with them, ever. That'd be that. I'd probably also be completely unable to hide my disgust. I can just see my dropped jaw and bulging eyes. I'd likely also say something along the lines of, "Oh, gosh, that's terrible! Let's ditch this joint and go find a snack bar / quick mart / whatever so we can feed everyone!" and run off to buy a bunch of food. 

 

I'm a feeder too, as was my grandma. I have vivid, sweet memories of my dad driving us many hours to get there, arriving at like midnight, and her in her night gown and robe bringing out platters of food she'd had ready for us so we could have a snack before bed. Things like a tray of lunch meat and cheese, bread, fruit, etc. Maybe some cookies. It really struck me and has been my model of hospitality ever since. 

 

Mind you, I had to have weight loss surgery, lol, so I may not be the best judge of things. But my kids and my sister are healthy weights, so far that hasn't effected anyone but me. 

[Guinevere]

I'm annoyed when people feed my kids.

 

I plan what I want them to have, and I know what makes them behave weird and what doesn't. I was just the mean mom after the soccer game who told my kid she couldn't have the red Powerade and Doritos they passed out. Why? Because that sort of junk is a treat around here, and we were going home to eat dinner. I don't want my 8yo to have a sugar drink and chips for dinner, and that's exactly what would have happened.

 

We are also on a really tight budget right now, and the food I prepare I don't want to go to waste, nor do I want to come up with a snack when she's hungry later because she didn't eat dinner because of that snack after soccer.

 

My eldest tends to overeat, and was starting to get a little heavy. I have worked incredibly hard to find activities she loves to keep her moving, and also to balance our food choices and eating schedule to help her slim down a bit. She doesn't even realize that is what we are doing, and I'm thrilled she has never felt overweight. If a friend of mine started offering food all the time, I'd have to step back for the sake of my dd.

 

Not feeding a kid all day is an issue, but so is feeding other people's kids all the time. I find the lack of conversation passive aggressive, and the judgemental tone off-putting.

[ktgrok]

 

Not feeding a kid all day is an issue, but so is feeding other people's kids all the time. I find the lack of conversation passive aggressive, and the judgemental tone off-putting.

 

True. I'd limit food offering to meal times, etc. 

[RoundAbout]

And while it might not be ideal to go from 8-2 without food, it's not the end of the world. I would mind my own business.

 

I totally agree. The only issue for me is that seems to ruin so many of our outings. I don't want to go into too much detail but the last incident was quite disturbing and crossed a line for me (which prompted me to write). Just trying to find a way to bring this up tactfully or solve it so we can enjoy our time together because the alternative is we just don't do things with them anymore and we otherwise enjoy their company. Next outing we will definitely bring up lunch or food plans explicitly and see how it goes! 

[RoundAbout]

Just wanted to post an update. Last weekend we had an outing together which included a planned museum stop at 11:30 am. I suggested, in advance, a small snack break before entering the museum on the premise that the kids might rush through if they were hungry and know lunch was waiting on the other side. My friends surprised me by suggesting Starbucks. Very glad because we didn't make lunch until almost 2 pm since our original restaurant was crazy busy and we had to walk somewhere else! Everyone behaved wonderfully and no cranky pants despite 5 miles of walking on a hot day. Thanks, and from now on I know that suggesting something at the planning stage is key with these friends rather than winging it. 

[Bluegoat]

You know, maybe they are just bad planners.  I kind of am about food myself, in terms of mealtimes - I'm not a person who notices them myself, and I'm also not a planner that way.

[Elizabeth86]

Just wanted to post an update. Last weekend we had an outing together which included a planned museum stop at 11:30 am. I suggested, in advance, a small snack break before entering the museum on the premise that the kids might rush through if they were hungry and know lunch was waiting on the other side. My friends surprised me by suggesting Starbucks. Very glad because we didn't make lunch until almost 2 pm since our original restaurant was crazy busy and we had to walk somewhere else! Everyone behaved wonderfully and no cranky pants despite 5 miles of walking on a hot day. Thanks, and from now on I know that suggesting something at the planning stage is key with these friends rather than winging it.

Woohoo! So I guess planning is more the issue huh? Well that's good.

[Pen]

Glad it worked out well!

[Ausmumof3]

You know, maybe they are just bad planners. I kind of am about food myself, in terms of mealtimes - I'm not a person who notices them myself, and I'm also not a planner that way.

Are you me 😂

[zaichiki]

When my older dd was three, we were having pizza and lemonade with grandmother. I limited the kids to one large (NYC style) slice and one (adult-sized) glass of lemonade. Dd ate that and begged for more. I said no way -- she had had plenty! Five minutes later grandmother brings dd into the kitchen without my knowledge and slips her another slice and another full glass. Dd downed them and promptly threw it all up. There was just no room for all of that in that tiny little stomach, no matter what dd said she wanted!  Of course I was furious with grandmother. 

 

Sometimes there are good reasons not to give out the food they think they need.