s/o Gender or fashion?

[Innisfree]

Okay, so the latest thread on gender issues came about the same time we went out to dinner with family, including a nephew in his mid 20s.

 

We don't see this nephew often, and don't have a close relationship with him. The last few times we've seen him, over the last six months or so, he has had what appears to us to be a feminine haircut, including bangs and an above-shoulder-length slightly frizzy perm, and a headband. Think 1950s-60s style, almost like this:

 

https://m.ebay.com/itm/350473197215?_mwBanner=1

 

...but without the curls, just kind of overall frizzy body.

 

He's worn a lot of eye makeup, blush and lipstick once and painted nails. The whole look is clearly very cultivated and intentional.

 

Is this a fashion I've missed for young males? Or would your guess be that this is gender-related? Or something else?

 

His very conservative, military-community parents have been present on each occasion. They have also seen us at other times, but have not mentioned his appearance. We have not inquired, but I admit to curiosity.

 

This kid has had a rough time growing up, for a few reasons I know and maybe others I don't. He was never geographically close when he was young, so he didn't grow up knowing us and has been fairly reserved with us. His personal life is none of my business unless he wants it to be, but I would like to be supportive.

 

Any ideas? Would it be best to just ignore the transformation, or ask his parents what's up? Or ask him (though when we see him it's usually in a setting where he'd be put on the spot in front of others)? How would one respectfully, supportively handle this?

[whitestavern]

Not fashion as far as I know. I'm in the northeast. What part of the country are you/he in?

 

ETA: I wouldn't bring it up, but that's just me, unless it's someone I'm super close to, in which case they likely would've brought it up anyway.

Edited September 12, 2017 by whitestavern

[Janie Grace]

I would think it has to do with exploring gender identity (based on the fact that I don't know any straight cis men who present this way), and I wouldn't mention it to him or his parents. If they want to discuss it, they'll bring it up.

 

[SKL]

You are right, it's none of your business.  If HE wants you to know, HE will take the initiative to tell you.  Otherwise say nothing, ask nothing, do nothing about it.

 

I had a relative in the same position you are in - they sneakily got it out of someone (unwitting fool A) that another person was gay.  Then went and told everyone that A told her the person was gay.  It made a lot of people mad.  Really mad.  Please don't.

[regentrude]

I think unless he chooses to share more information with you, you should not ask about it. Same goes for parents; unless you are so close that they wish to talk to you about it, don't ask.

Just treat him normally. As a person.

 

ETA: Likely it has to do with gender exploration. Or perhaps he just wants to shock. It certainly is not mainstream fashion for young males. he will have his reasons.

Edited September 12, 2017 by regentrude

[MEmama]

Gently, what's there for you to handle?

 

(Yes, I see boys in makeup and long hair sometimes. Some of my guy friends in high school wore kilts and painted their nails. Most were quite straight. ;) )

 

I'm in New England.

[Innisfree]

Yes, not mentioning it and treating him normally is what we have been doing.

[Ravin]

I would just keep treating the person with the same respect and courtesy you always have. If a private moment arises that isn't putting them on the spot with other family members, I might ask what's with the new look, in a positive/curious way. That would be about it.

[Arcadia]

Not fashion for the eye makeup, blush and lipstick once and painted nails but I do know male friends in ballet/theater who may not remove makeup just to meet for a meal and go back for another rehearsal. The most makeup I saw was Opera level makeup. On a normal day, they go without makeup. None have painted nails or "stick on" nails.

 

As for hairstyle, is it something like this John McEnroe photo in this link? http://www.stevegtennis.com/wp-content/uploads/mcenroe.jpg

This would be quite common here during hot weather days for both genders.

[Innisfree]

I guess there probably isn't anything for us to handle, but this is still new territory for me. I'm perfectly fine with him doing or being whoever he is, but this sort of thing wasn't covered in etiquette when I was growing up. I want to treat him respectfully; I will certainly always treat him with the same courtesy I would anyone else.

[Innisfree]

No, nothing like the McEnroe photo. Much more like the one I posted.

[Katy]

I've only known a handful of straight cis-gender men who wore makeup.  They were all in late teens or early 20's and in urban artistic communities where experimenting was encouraged.  Most went on to join the military and marry women.

[Innisfree]

Thanks, folks, question answered. We'll continue as we have so far, and he can speak to us or not as he chooses.

[Laura Corin]

My eldest dresses similarly.  He wears nail polish but not make up.  It's a style he likes.

[Guest]

I might have to bite my tongue in making a snide remark about his 'interesting' hairstyle, but I'd mentally do it with a female too because I'm picky about beauty. Still, the gracious and appropriate thing to be would be to pretend nothing has changed unless he brings it up, since it's his body and fashion and he doesn't really need anyone's approval or deserve their comments.

 

That goes for odd and unfashionable women too though. Even if it's weird, say nothing.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[skimomma]

I'll be the lone dissenter.  This is a fashion thing with a few very-straight males I know and has been for some time.  I would not assume anything based on clothing/hair/make-up styles.

[Mimm]

I don't know, I think there are polite ways to bring it up, or at least crack open the door and show you are a safe person to talk to about it (if you are.) You could simply start with a compliment. "I love your scarf. I've noticed you've changed your look lately and I think you are looking good."

 

ETA: Then drop it if he doesn't want to talk more about it.

Edited September 13, 2017 by Mimm

[trulycrabby]

If the look works for him, I might say something like "you look very nice today," but then again I probably wouldn't say that in fear that he might interpret a sincere compliment as sarcasm.

[mellifera33]

Around here at least, a particularly frumpy middle-aged mom cut seems to be a hairstyle popular with a certain segment of teen boys. I don't understand it, but there it is. 

[Carrie12345]

 

Any ideas? Would it be best to just ignore the transformation, or ask his parents what's up? Or ask him (though when we see him it's usually in a setting where he'd be put on the spot in front of others)? How would one respectfully, supportively handle this?

Leave it be the same way you would anyone's look, unless you have a compliment to give.

 

My straight, cis dd makes some atypical fashion choices. As her mother, I may ask her "Exactly what are we going for here...?"

My more fluid Dd makes some atypical fashion choices. Same applies... as her mother.

 

Anyone not in their inner circles asking would be rude. For either dd.

[Tanaqui]

I'm sure when you were a child you were taught "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and "Don't point". The expanded purpose behind those rules are the manners rules that apply here - don't comment on other people's appearance unless you're invited to do so, don't speculate.