Pre-teen boys

[Mrs. A]

How do you do it? How do you homeschool a boy who seems bent on making life miserable for everyone in the home? If he's not being rude and disrespectful to me he's busy terrorizing his sisters. There are sometimes random nice moments when I see the boy I thought I had, but these days those are few and far between. I feel like I want to tear my hair out every day! Yes, I'm being (somewhat) hyperbolic, but still, it's a real problem. How do I deal?

 

Dh works 12 hours a day and tries to spend time with ds when he can, but even then there's still a lot of back-talk and often something that started out nice ends up with both of them mad at one another.

 

I'm just at a loss. I feel like I'll never be able to get through to this kid. I don't like him very much most of the time and I love when he spends time away from the home.

 

I'm sure some of you have been through similar situations. Help!

[maize]

Exercise.

 

Food.

 

More exercise.

 

More food.

 

And a nice solid brick wall to bang your own head against as needed...

[maize]

I hear they often outgrow it by the mid-teens or so...

[KrissiK]

How do you do it? How do you homeschool a boy who seems bent on making life miserable for everyone in the home? If he's not being rude and disrespectful to me he's busy terrorizing his sisters. There are sometimes random nice moments when I see the boy I thought I had, but these days those are few and far between. I feel like I want to tear my hair out every day! Yes, I'm being (somewhat) hyperbolic, but still, it's a real problem. How do I deal?

 

Dh works 12 hours a day and tries to spend time with ds when he can, but even then there's still a lot of back-talk and often something that started out nice ends up with both of them mad at one another.

 

I'm just at a loss. I feel like I'll never be able to get through to this kid. I don't like him very much most of the time and I love when he spends time away from the home.

 

I'm sure some of you have been through similar situations. Help!

Well, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but we have been there and done that and we put the kid in Catholic School for junior high and he will go on to Christian High School in the fall. Schooling him was a misery and we had 4 other kids to consider as well as my own sanity. No, we can't really afford it, but we're taking $ out of savings and making it work.

[Mrs. A]

Exercise.

 

Food.

 

More exercise.

 

More food.

 

And a nice solid brick wall to bang your own head against as needed...

So how much exercise are we talking? This kid hates moving when it's suggested by anyone other than himself. I try and try to incorporate exercise into our day,but I suppose it's probably not enough.

[Tanaqui]

No clue. I look at the girls sometimes and think "this. this is why there are boarding schools."

 

So how much exercise are we talking? This kid hates moving when it's suggested by anyone other than himself. I try and try to incorporate exercise into our day,but I suppose it's probably not enough.

 

A minimum of 30 minutes of vigorous exercise daily (running, swimming, skating, sports), and another 30 minutes of more moderate exercise (walking, moderate strength training 2 - 3x a week, a class where they intersperse bouts of action with waiting).

[maize]

So how much exercise are we talking? This kid hates moving when it's suggested by anyone other than himself. I try and try to incorporate exercise into our day,but I suppose it's probably not enough.

Fortunately mine is fairly willing to move.

 

For preteen boys I think two hours a day of fairly rigorous activity is close to a minimum. Options around here include trampolines (two large ones in the back yard, and a 6 foot tramp in my living room), swinging, bike riding, roller blading, playing basketball, climbing trees, mowing the lawn...

 

If he's acting out I frequently send him to run around the block.

[Mrs. A]

Well, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but we have been there and done that and we put the kid in Catholic School for junior high and he will go on to Christian High School in the fall. Schooling him was a misery and we had 4 other kids to consider as well as my own sanity. No, we can't really afford it, but we're taking $ out of savings and making it work.

I figured that would probably be a suggestion. Private school isn't an option financially. Public school is something we may consider, but it would be pretty tough to get dh on board.

Edited May 9, 2017 by Mrs. A

[Another Lynn]

So how much exercise are we talking? This kid hates moving when it's suggested by anyone other than himself. I try and try to incorporate exercise into our day,but I suppose it's probably not enough.

 

Sign him up for a sport and insist he go - something with a lot of work outs per week, like swim.  If he doesn't like any sports, put him in Tae Kwon Do, or other martial arts - find one with a male leader who really holds the line on character traits and models it too.  

[SebastianCat]

Exercise.   Food (more often than you think he needs it).   Sleep (much more than he thinks he needs).   More exercise.   Outsource the one class that causes the most trouble (if financially possible, and if you have the opportunity available).    More exercise.

 

When my DS was getting close to (and starting) middle school, he had a terrible time with both brain fog and anger/frustration.   I would send him outside to either run laps around the house, or to run to the end of the street and back.  He figured out that he actually liked getting out of the house for a few minutes, and he'd come back with a much clearer head.   One day he asked if he could run to the front of the neighborhood, about twice the distance.   That gradually increased to running about 3 miles to the back of the neighborhood, then back home.   This progression started in 5th/6th grade with running about 1/2 mile, and grew until he was running 3 miles, 3-5 times per week, by the end of 8th grade.

 

He's now finishing 9th grade, about to turn 15, and just finished his first year of cross country and track at the local public high school.   He runs about 35 miles per week now.    What started out as a quasi-punishment and a way to clear his head during school, has now turned into a full-fledged sport that he loves.

 

We've also outsourced math for a couple of years.   We hit a wall in pre-algebra where I felt that our relationship was suffering because Mom = Teacher.   Outsourcing math (to a class provider with a male teacher) has been a big help.   He loves his math teacher and has done very well since then.   

[JumpyTheFrog]

We have our 11 year old in competitive gymnastics for 12.5 hours per week. Of course, he's had the pre-teen personality since he was little.

[KrissiK]

We have our 11 year old in competitive gymnastics for 12.5 hours per week. Of course, he's had the pre-teen personality since he was little.

I think you need to decide it this is a puberty thing, or if this is a real personality thing. My kid has been difficult all his life. This is who he is and everything with him is an argument or a battle. More exercise? I'd have to battle him to do it. Eat better? We do our best, but he's a junk food addict. For us, I was at the point where I refused to educate him because I couldn't. He wouldn't work for me. He'd do the minimum required and even with that I couldn't read his writing. He also desperately needed more peer interaction. Anyhow, in our situation, it was necessary to find an alternative to educate him.

[SilverMoon]

How did SWB put that? "Here, have a sandwich. Take a shower. Have a nap." In that order. If one doesn't work progress to the next one.

 

Still works on my 18yo.

[Random]

I hear you!  I'm on my third go-round.

 

You'll have to decide whether you have intrinsic personality issues, or it's just a pre-teen phase.

 

I agree with the above recommendations for the pre-teen maleness: exercise, food, sleep.

 

I'll add this: something to be involved in and take his mind off himself and that he can be successful at:

-sports team (baseball, cross country, flag football, swimming, mountain biking, etc.)

-clubs like chess, robotics, Lego League

-hard chores like building something, landscaping, ESPECIALLY for someone in need, who cannot do it for him/herself

 

Like others have suggested, can you find other men in your ds's life who can be a positive role model for your son?  My husband works out of town and is only around a few days per month.  That is our reality, so we make it work.  We put our boys in Boy Scouts.  We trust our local leaders, and know they WILL put an unruly boy back in his place.  Our local leaders are awesome about reinforcing that my boys need to be good to ME, their mama.  Scouting is also a great way for our boys to get some very challenging physical exercise.

 

FWIW, my current pre-teen isn't willing to take any of my suggestions without me making it mandatory and making it unpleasant for him to not comply.  He's a little pill,(reference: http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/541789-youre-being-a-pill/?hl=%20you )     and I am really glad this isn't my first rodeo, if you know what I mean.  I was actually able to laugh at him the other day and remind him he wasn't my first son to act up and that I would handle him just fine.  He looked at me like this: :confused1: 

 

:grouphug:

[Tanaqui]

How did SWB put that? "Here, have a sandwich. Take a shower. Have a nap." In that order. If one doesn't work progress to the next one.

 

Just like with babies. If they're crying, check their diaper. If that doesn't work, feed them. If it still doesn't work, put them to bed. One, two, three.

 

[Mrs. A]

FWIW, my current pre-teen isn't willing to take any of my suggestions without me making it mandatory and making it unpleasant for him to not comply. :

 

what does it look like for things to be unpleasant for him when he does not comply? I could so use some help in that area!

Edited May 9, 2017 by Mrs. A

[Random]

what does it look like for things to be unpleasant for him when he does not comply? I could so use some help in that area!

 

Today, when he was staring off in to space instead of working on math, I challenged him to finish math before I was done making lunch.  He likes competition, so that worked.  Sometimes, when I try that, he freaks out and yells at me and accuses me of not liking him, etc.  When he yells at me like that, I will tell me the conversation is over and he can sit on a chair in the living room until he stops acting nasty.  I've learned not to engage him by trying to convince him or reason with him.  Like when he says I don't like him or sometimes he'll even say I hate him, I won't even acknowledge that.  He totally knows I love him and he's just trying to get a reaction from me. 

 

I used to tell him he needed to control his behavior, but then one day I realized he was in complete control, he was just trying to get to me.  Or maybe just trying to relieve his tension by acting out.  We talked about this one day and I told him I realized he was in complete control of himself, and that he had to quit acting like a jerk.  We talk about how his naughty behaviors push people away, and he admitted that wasn't what he truly wants.

 

This particular son loves screens, so an effective punishment for him is taking away screens.  The first few times I took away screens, his reaction was big and ugly.  What has worked here is for me to remain calm and not back down.  I'm not intimidated by his behavior anymore.  I don't argue or negotiate much at all.  He used to really get to me, but these days I have more confidence and know that he's just being immature.  And I explain to him during peaceful times that when he acts immature, that he's telling me he needs more structure and less freedom.

 

For the son I'm talking about, everything is a battle.  He is smart, but that's not working in his favor, yet.  LOL.  We had him in counseling for a while.  He is stubborn and tends to overreact.  He goes through every stage with more feeling and drama than my first two did.  As he gets older, I take opportunities to let him know he can use his gifts for good in the world, and that 'stubborn' is a priceless gift, if used in the right direction.

 

Really, I'm not sure what to tell you.  The main things that have worked for me are to stay calm and stay consistent and not be intimidated by his emotions.  I have to remind myself that I'm the one who still has the power and he's still a child.  He's trying to figure out his place in the world, and I try to respect that that is not a small task.  My son needs consequences that a) aren't mean, b) aren't overreactions themselves, but c) hurt a bit.

 

If he won't put down his kindle game to do his chores, he loses his kindle for a day.  If he won't do his chores, he'll have to do his brother's chores and his own the next day.  If he yells at me, he has to write out a sentence about not yelling at me 50 times.  If he throws his clean laundry on the floor of his closet, he just has to clean it up.  If he lied to me about putting it away, then he has to clean it up and do additional chores.  If he won't do his math during school, he has to do it that evening.  If he refuses to work for me, he will have to deal with his dad.  My husband is fantastic about backing me up on this.  Sometimes, this son will have to miss a fun outing (and so will I, so not convenient for me at all) in order to finish his school work for the week.  All of these consequences brought out his screaming banshee side when I first started them.  But, eventually, bit by bit, his attitude has improved.

 

If he is just antsy and picking on his siblings, I'll tell him to ride his bike for 30 minutes (usually regardless of weather) and if his attitude isn't better when he comes back, he'll go back out for another 30. 

 

I wish you all the best!

[2_girls_mommy]

So how much exercise are we talking? This kid hates moving when it's suggested by anyone other than himself. I try and try to incorporate exercise into our day,but I suppose it's probably not enough.

Somebody already said it, but I am agreeing. Sign up for sports or the Y classes or something and take him. Take everybody. 

 

We did swim team one summer. Nobody loved getting up to go to the pool first thing in the mornings in the summer, but it was wonderful. It kept them tired and from staying up all night. It kept us on a good routine and made it easy to get back into the school routine as nobody was sleeping til noon. 

 

Camps, scouts, track. anything. 

[MerryAtHope]

I'll second the food and exercise :-). However, there are other things too:

 

Make connections with him. Find something you can do together, an interest you both enjoy, go on occasional mother-son dates--whatever it takes to build up your relationship. 

 

Realize that there are some natural and good processes going on here. He is growing up. He wants to differentiate himself from the "little kids" whom you parent differently. He also wants to differentiate himself from "the girls." Your parenting style (and likely your homeschool style) needs to adapt and recognize that over time. You might think he could never be responsible for anything with the way he acts, but the truth is that he can be--and he wants to start being that way, or at least part of him does. He's struggling in that man-boy stage. The man is trying to emerge. Help him see how men act by pointing him to his father and to other men in your lives that you respect. Give him a vision--in little glimpses here and there--of the kind of man he could be and is already becoming (encourage any little spark of behavior that's headed in the right direction--holding doors open for people, doing some little thoughtful thing, being responsible in the care of some item etc...)

 

You may start to change how you treat him with respect to chores. For example, maybe you'll decide to put him in charge of something instead of needing to be told. That doesn't mean you won't still have to tell him to do things, but how you do that might change (just as the way you discuss things with your husband is different from the way you tell your 8 yo to do something--he's somewhere in between). With added responsibilities can come some added freedoms too. Start to think through what that might look like as he grows.

 

You start to do more coaching and less dictating in your parenting. You give him room to fail as needed, rather than trying to intervene and protect him or correct him before he has a chance to fail at things. (That is one way of showing a growing child respect--and pre-teens and teens really want respect. Again, even if he's not acting like he's deserving of it--try to find ways to show that you see he is starting to grow up.)

 

If he's lumped together with his sisters for school, it may be that he would like to do some subjects separately (my son was really happy when we separated for science in 7th grade, and soon started to show he wanted to be separated for some other subjects as well). 

 

Ask questions like, "If there was one thing you could change about how we do school, what would it be?" And about how things are done around the house too. Let him know you aren't promising to do what he would like, but that you'll consider his opinions. Talks like this often helped me start to shape things differently for my older one.

 

Sometimes kids who have lots of time on their hands to pester sisters might need more work to do. Encourage them when they are playing nicely, but if he's causing tears or yelling/screaming, or a lack of peace in the home (they're scared of him etc...), then you might just have some jobs that need to be done by him as a redirect.

 

Major on the majors--there are times to overlook things that are annoying but not really big deals. I tend to think respect is a big deal though. I show respect to my kids as people, and I expect them to respect me not only as a person but also as their authority. That means I'm careful to use that authority wisely as much as possible (so as kids age, I am less authoritarian in my presentation but I still make the boundaries clear). 

 

Sometimes teens and preteens, in their desire to be grown, do stupid things (they might respond poorly to what you say, they might roll their eyes, they might use an inappropriate tone etc...). Make liberal use of the do-over. "Would you like to try saying that again?" In this stage, I think it's important not to do a lot of "telling" what to do so much as helping them to do what they have already been trained how to do. You might notice gaps where you need to fill in--but a lot of time by this age they know how to act--they just sometimes mess up and don't do what they know to do. (Kind of like adults sometimes!) Sometimes it's nice to have a second chance to try to say something or do something better. 

 

Hang in there! The boy you loved in early years is in there--and the man you will love is coming out. And in between can be challenging--realize it's hard for him too and he's trying to figure things out. Try to make bridges when you can, and let him start to make more choices--but it's good to keep those clear boundaries of what's okay, what's not okay too.

 

 

 

 

[Farrar]

Seconding the food and the movement.

 

Also seconding the need for kids this age to have places to be successful. It could be in the home, but I think it's usually something away from you - a team, a class, whatever.

 

And then, I'll add in as well, the need for appropriate autonomy. They need independence. So pick your battles, as they say. But also, I think it's like you give them more independence in some arenas (to make their own plans, to use their own time, to do their own projects), more responsibility in others (to do chores or volunteering), and stay on them about the things that really matter (like not being a jerk or disrupting anyone's day).

 

I think the in the moment things are hardest. I know when mine are being like this, I want the magic pill right then. And sometimes the sandwich, nap, shower thing can be magic. But usually, the hard moments are endured and then you double down on the fostering independence and responsibility and passions and all that stuff and hope it pays off overall.

 

 

[Guest]

Not just exercise. WORK. Something physical with actual, real life output. Gardening, hauling bags if dirt hither and tither. Cooking meals. Digging holes. Paving things. Cleaning the tub. Cracking a bag of peanuts and making peanut butter.

 

I find that my boys are desperate to be capable of real things. Even though they'd do Lego and work on the robot, respectively, if given free choice of time.

 

And they want SO MUCH PRAISE when they do these things.

 

Also... Teach him how to argue. It's still not fun, but it's​ at least less asinine when they're arguing logically and with rhetoric consistency.

[FloridaLisa]

Exercise.

 

Food.

 

More exercise.

 

More food.

 

And a nice solid brick wall to bang your own head against as needed...

 

So much this! Let him exhaust his hormones and energy in sports so he doesn't exhaust is on his siblings and you. 

 

But also:

 

1) make sure you keep the standards no matter how much he's bucking it. 

2) make sure you try super hard not to be sarcastic even when it seems so fitting! I often find my kids are mirroring what I've allowed in my own speech and attitude. Yep, starts with me first. 

3) even if dh is working a lot, he can still hold your ds accountable. 

 

Keep cheerleading him on. Keep finding ways to love him and speak his love language. Take him out for lunch just the two of you. (I love doing this with each of mine.) Keep challenging him even when he wants to take the easiest route. Remind him you always have his best interest. 

[goldenecho]

Just letting you know, if your child was like mine, this too shall pass. 

 

I don't homeschool my oldest, but from age 11-12 it seemed like the only language he spoke was insults and sarcasm (and he could say some cutting, mean things).   I didn't even like being around him during that stage.  But then somewhere during age 12 the sarcasm mellowed into some enjoyable humor (not that the mean stuff didn't pop up now and then, but it wasn't all the time), he wasn't mean to his brothers as much, and we started being able to have real, deep meaningful conversations.  I got my boy back.

 

Homeschooling means you have to be around him more, and I'm sure that can't be easy while he's in this stage, but things will get better.  Hang in there!

 

On the other side of this stage is a beautiful one!

 

(OH, and in the meantime...assigning chores or subtracting TV/Game time for every insult can bring a little sanity.  We had him pick up 10 things for every insulting thing he said...not much but it added up quick and even though it meant some silent dinners where he didn't say anything, it helped a lot).

 

 

Edited May 10, 2017 by goldenecho

[Farrar]

The keeping up of standards thing is so tricky though. Their brains are growing like crazy. They are genuinely more forgetful and spacey than ever. Yet they need more challenges. I mean, I think it's really wrong, but I *get* why middle school is such an academic black hole for many kids. It's very hard to meet the academic challenges we want through this age. I'm finding I have to really space it out. Like, leave room for them to have off days but be willing to come back to things and push later. It's not simple.

[Mrs. A]

Wow, you all are so helpful! I feel very encouraged today, in spite of the fact that ds started in on his sister almost the minute they woke up. :P

 

The standards thing is hard for me because I feel unsure a lot of the time about what the standards even ARE at this point. It feels so nebulous. I guess behavioral standards don't change though, so that's something at least.

[2_girls_mommy]

btw... girls are no different at this age. :) My odd was really intense. Always was, so this age was a barrel of laughs- not. But she has totally mellowed now at 14 going on 15. And now the middle, usually sweet and people pleasing child, has hit it full on. It is more of a shock from her even though it is less intense than with her sis just because we aren't used to it from her. But this too shall pass. :) I remember being a pain in the you know what at this age. It is all coming back to me now. I deserve every second of it. 

[lllll]

Wow, you all are so helpful! I feel very encouraged today, in spite of the fact that ds started in on his sister almost the minute they woke up. :p

 

The standards thing is hard for me because I feel unsure a lot of the time about what the standards even ARE at this point. It feels so nebulous. I guess behavioral standards don't change though, so that's something at least.

 

Yeah, at some point I realized I had to set some kind of standards for my (average) kids and teach to that standard.  In all areas, too ... physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional.  For us, I used things like the Bible for the spiritual, WTM for the mental (academic), etc.  I didn't usually just pull them out of thin air (I'm not that creative).  You can probably think of similar things that are important to you for guidance.

 

I also did what okbud did - worked my kids.  At real work.  Cleaning up property, tearing apart houses, putting houses back together, raising animals, and tons of other stuff.  And I worked with them.  Sometimes, my dh would work with them, but not as much as I would have liked because he worked long hours and he wasn't very good with kids in general.  And the dc and I worked as a group, helping each other, talking as we went, making what otherwise would have been drudgery, fun.  Great memories of all the different houses and properties we cleaned up and improved before it was time to move again.

 

2 of our ds's did sports for a while, but, for them, sports never had quite the benefits that actual work had.  The sports seemed to foster a more self-centered attitude, whereas real work that benefited our whole family gave them a sense of making a real difference in other people's lives.  Or something like that.  ymmv, of course.

 

Also, the food and sleep were important.  Ours were still in bed by 7pm every night, averaging about 10 or more hours of sleep per night.  And I cooked healthy stuff, with plenty of leftovers that they could eat whenever they were hungry.  Along with lots of healthy, filling snacks available that they could get whenever they wanted.

 

And the academics were important, too.  I had to make sure they were challenged and not bored or frustrated, or they would start causing trouble in that area as well.

 

It's a balancing act, really.  You have to maintain the structure and limits and your authority as a parent, while, at the same time, finding ways to slowly give them more independence.  It helps to take some time and just sit and think about what you're doing and how you're doing it every so often.  And talk to your dh about it,  As lousy as my dh was with kids, he sometimes came up with some real insights that helped me.     

Edited May 11, 2017 by _ -_-

[matrips]

Grateful for the timeliness of this thread. It's been a rough week. Part them, part me; one menopausal momma and three pre-teens makes for some tough days.

 

I need to re-read this every day. I'm having trouble staying calm and sweet, and that's the priority for all this turning out well. I don't know how you all do it; I'm calm and logical and aware of all this at other times, but not in the moment. How do you do it?!

[maize]

Grateful for the timeliness of this thread. It's been a rough week. Part them, part me; one menopausal momma and three pre-teens makes for some tough days.

 

I need to re-read this every day. I'm having trouble staying calm and sweet, and that's the priority for all this turning out well. I don't know how you all do it; I'm calm and logical and aware of all this at other times, but not in the moment. How do you do it?!

Take mama breaks as needed.

 

And--you really don't have to be calm and sweet all the time. It's good for the kids to see that mom has emotions too. What I aim for is modeling effective ways of dealing with my emotions. "Hey guys, mom is feeling overwhelmed right now. I'm going to go walk around the block (take a bath, work in the garden, eat a snack, read a book, etc.), I'll be back in a few minutes."

Edited May 11, 2017 by maize

[MerryAtHope]

Take mama breaks as needed.

 

And--you really don't have to be calm and sweet all the time. It's good for the kids to see that mom has emotions too. What I aim for is modeling effective ways of dealing with my emotions. "Hey guys, mom is feeling overwhelmed right now. I'm going to go walk around the block (take a bath, work in the garden, eat a snack, read a book, etc.), I'll be back in a few minutes."

 

Yes! Who's sweet all the time? Not me. Sometimes we all need to ask each other's forgiveness. But this, too, is a learning experience for them. How should adults handle things when they mess up? We're always modeling...

[lllll]

Grateful for the timeliness of this thread. It's been a rough week. Part them, part me; one menopausal momma and three pre-teens makes for some tough days.

 

I need to re-read this every day. I'm having trouble staying calm and sweet, and that's the priority for all this turning out well. I don't know how you all do it; I'm calm and logical and aware of all this at other times, but not in the moment. How do you do it?!

 

Oh, I wouldn't say "calm and sweet" is a priority at. all.  I doubt any of my now-grown kids would describe me as "sweet" or anything remotely similar.   ;)  And the only reason they might say I was calm is just because I'm an INTJ personality, with heavy emphasis on the 'I' part of that.  IOW, I just seem calm.  lol  (In fact, my kids used to jokingly - and lovingly - refer to me as their 'Mafia mama'.   :blink: )  

 

For me and my own kids, firm was the key.  Firm and unwavering.  In my introverted way.  My kids responded well to that.  They knew where the boundaries were and that those boundaries were solid.  That gave them a sense of security (?) from which to work.

 

I also wasn't a 'fun' parent.  I definitely HAD fun, but in an introverted kind of way.  My kids knew that and knew me, so that worked perfectly fine for us.  I didn't try to make my kids like me.  They knew they could get loud and rowdy and let loose, under the appropriate circumstances.  In fact, I loved seeing them do that, having fun with each other in ways that, as an introvert, I couldn't even begin to understand.  

 

Maybe if you make time for them to go crazy and burn off some of that energy, it would help?  I used to tell dc to take time (hours or a day or whatever) to do whatever they wanted, but be ready to get back to work (school or chores or whatever else) at X time, no complaints or whining (or we wouldn't be able to do this again).  And when X time came, they remembered what I had said and got back to work without comment.  Kids love knowing what to expect from their parents.  And parents who are consistent.     

Edited May 11, 2017 by _ -_-

[fairfarmhand]

So how much exercise are we talking? This kid hates moving when it's suggested by anyone other than himself. I try and try to incorporate exercise into our day,but I suppose it's probably not enough.

 

Mine is only 9, but when he's getting punchy, I tell him to go shoot 25 baskets or jump on the trampoline for 15 minutes. "Sounds like you need to get out some energy in a positive way instead of pestering way. Go run 5 laps around the block (or whatever)"

 

This way it's framed a little more positively.

[fairfarmhand]

Wow, you all are so helpful! I feel very encouraged today, in spite of the fact that ds started in on his sister almost the minute they woke up. :p

 

The standards thing is hard for me because I feel unsure a lot of the time about what the standards even ARE at this point. It feels so nebulous. I guess behavioral standards don't change though, so that's something at least.

 

For picking on someone, we have a code phrase "Please STOP!" so if they're both legitimately enjoying the pestering (and some kids do that!) it can continue. But when one party is done, the other party needs to quit so it doesn't become bullying. (and I did say those words to my pesterers. Continuing to pester when someone else says stop is bullying. Doesn't matter if they're taking themselves too seriously or in a grouchy mood, everyone;s not always up for pestering) So when the sibling whips out the "Please STOP!" it is upon the pesterer to cut it out.

 

So sister can be saying "Quit, leave me alone,,giggling....heheheee....cut it out." But she knows that Please STOP means that the interaction is over. This empowers my kids to know how to draw a line with someone and have that person respect it and it helps my teasers to know when it's time to stop.

 

So, kids who don't respect the Please STOP! have consequences.

 

Sometimes, its doing something nice for the person they're pestering. Sometimes it's extra chores.

 

Once I drew the line, though, an amazing thing happened. The pesterer, when faced with a solid boundary, was less irritating. Because it stopped with consequences when it went too far. And the pesterer learned to judge when they were going too far and getting out of hand.

 

 

And calm and sweet all the time? Who  are you kidding? My kids sometimes see that mom is having a rough day and they really need to watch it on those days. Because I'm not up for nonsense on that day.

 

 

You can be FIRM WITHOUT BEING UNKIND. Firmness is not unkindness.

 

And I think that often moms struggle with the fact that we're not always syrupy sweet and some kids DO NOT RESPECT sweetness, especially certain personalities. With my oldest, if I had a sweet tone to my voice, she thought I was giving a warning. But if I was serious, she got that her behavior was serious and needed to be reformed right then!