It is really frustrating living with a germaphobe JAWM

[SquirrellyMama]

If y'all aren't comfortable discussing health issues that affect the whole family with one another, maybe some couple's counseling would help open communication for you?

I'm more than happy to discuss things, he is not. I can try again, though. I was thinking about seeing if he would let me come along sometimes. I think it would be helpful.

 

I tried for years to convince him to do couples counseling, but he always refused saying he would do it if things got worse. I gave up.

 

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

:grouphug:

 

The kids know it's not normal, but have you discussed the clinical reality of it? I'm sure it's hard, regardless, but understanding just how UNintentional it is can take out some of the sting.

Sort of... They know he's seeing a therapist for the issue, but I'm not sure if they really feel it is unintentional when they are yelled at. On the surface I'm sure they do, but deep down...

 

Kelly

[maize]

Knowing that a certain behavior (such as yelling) stems from a malfunctioning brain doesn't stop that behavior from hurting.

 

Yes, try to go to therapy with your husband. And push for medical evaluation and treatment--we have had a really good experience working with a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I think medication is likely going to need to be part of the solution for your dh.

 

Your children are being wounded, and that is not something that can ever be undone. This is a time to stand your ground and insist on change.

 

Many hugs.

Edited December 29, 2016 by maize

[sbgrace]

I'm sorry for all of you, him included.

 

I'm glad he's seeking help. Can you make sure who he is seeing is trained in OCD? Because it's specific treatment, and people who deal with other disorders instead sometimes make things worse or at least waste time. The OCD foundation has lists of providers. https://iocdf.org/find-help/ It would be cognitive behavioral therapy with ERP. And that type of therapy is hard, especially without medication (SSRI's can help a lot of people, if your husband might consider that temporarily while he gets therapy; I made a thread about NAC, a supplement. That can be tried...SSRI's would help more).

 

Your hubby's symptoms are classic OCD, and untreated OCD can take over a life (it also tends to wax and wane). The OCD foundation has information--here is a list of common compulsions (that's the doing part--wiping groceries, sanitizing chairs, isolating sick people) https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/#compulsions The obsession part is the fear--in the case of getting sick. The OCD brain looks different on brain scans. The obsession causes extreme anxiety (what if I get sick). The compulsions temporarily reduce the anxiety (whew, that milk container is germ free). Except doing the compulsions is a temporary reduction that actually increases the anxiety over-all. It doesn't feel like it the sufferer. But doing the compulsions actually reinforces the obsession fear--so it is a stronger foe. When waxing, the compulsions component tends to grow--more actions to reduce germs.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for all of you. I hate OCD.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2016 by sbgrace

[Anne]

If your dh refuses to allow you to go with him to his therapist, write the therapist a letter and outline everything you have said here.  Tell the therapist you want to have at least some sessions with both of you.  

 

Anne

[SparklyUnicorn]

That sounds challenging!  Glad he is seeing someone though. 

 

 

[maize]

If your dh refuses to allow you to go with him to his therapist, write the therapist a letter and outline everything you have said here. Tell the therapist you want to have at least some sessions with both of you.

 

Anne

Definitely do this. The therapist cannot share information about his sessions with your dh without dh's permission, but he can listen to/read your input and take that into account.

[TranquilMind]

My dh is wiping off our groceries with Clorox wipes because he thinks the cashier had a cold.

 

He's seeing someone because of this issue, so I really hope this gets better. There's more than just wiping off groceries.

 

Kelly

 

Well, I actually don't blame him (though I don't know what else is going on, of course).

If I see a visibly sick person handling my stuff, I will wipe it off too, but not otherwise. I wipe down electronic devices (with touch pads) and exterior door handles daily with rubbing alcohol, and anything else that needs to be disinfected. 

Anyway, I hope everything turns out well. 

[KungFuPanda]

I'd buy some of those mask thingies FOR DH and tell him that he can be a freak if he wants but you and DS are going to act like normal people. You can't banish a sick little kid to another room! They don't want to be alone when they're sick! Parents will catch a few moe colds when their kids are little, but it's just not a big enough deal to quarantine a kid over a head cold. It just comes with the territory.

 

I'm all for letting people have their THING, but not when it infringes upon the rights of others.

[BarbecueMom]

I'm sorry. I'm emetophobic, and as much as I try to keep it from affecting my family, I know it does. When one of my son's baseball teammates threw up during a game due to heat sickness, I helped his mom get him cleaned up and cooled off... then didn't eat for two or three days. And when I don't eat, it's hard to get a balanced meal made for everyone else. I know we don't go as many places or do as many fun things because I'm so scared of falling ill.

 

Unlike the previous poster, who had a fear of dysentery that went away after having kids, mine started after having kids and got worse after being hospitalized with... ironically... dysentery from shigella. I contracted it from a science museum after touching something contaminated, which then got on the stroller handle. I washed my hands before eating, but still had to push the stroller from the bathroom to the picnic area. I passed out at home and ended up admitted to the hospital for three days.

 

I'm a bit traumatized by it all. I wake up in a panic several nights a week, with my heart racing, wondering if that little noise I just heard was a child vomiting in bed. I could feel myself start to panic earlier when my son wanted a Costco sample and had to fight off the intrusive thought, "He touched the cart and then his food. He touched the cart and then his food."

 

Before the hospitalization, I could talk myself into thinking, "The worst thing that can happen is a day of vomiting." Now I know it can be worse, albeit rarely. I don't quit driving because of the risk of accidents, so why do I avoid people and food because of the risk of norovirus? I wish I knew.

 

Oddly enough, I have a sore throat and feel influenza-achy right now, but it doesn't bother me. It's not puking, which is irrational given how much worse respiratory viruses can get, but that's what matters.

 

I hope the counseling helps your DH. I might be in the same boat one of these days. And I hope that your son (and anyone else who gets that cold!) feels better soon.

Edited December 30, 2016 by BarbecueMom

[Aura]

I'd buy some of those mask thingies FOR DH and tell him that he can be a freak if he wants but you and DS are going to act like normal people. You can't banish a sick little kid to another room! They don't want to be alone when they're sick! Parents will catch a few moe colds when their kids are little, but it's just not a big enough deal to quarantine a kid over a head cold. It just comes with the territory.

 

I'm all for letting people have their THING, but not when it infringes upon the rights of others.

 

My dh isolates himself in the bedroom when things get a bit too much to handle. Having a puking kid on the couch is just not something he can handle being around, and that's okay, but why make the kid suffer more than he already is with being sick?

[Audrey]

You said JAWM...so I will agree that it is frustrating, and I am sure my husband would heartily concur.  :)

 

However--I have OCD. I have wiped off groceries before, I admit. If your husband also has OCD, does it help you to recognize that his brain literally functions differently than yours? 

ocd.stanford.edu/about/understanding.html

discovermagazine.com/2013/nov/14-defense-free-will

 

OCD is a physical disability. Please try to have the same patience with him as you would have with someone trying to function with one arm, or with diabetes, or with dyslexia. It is not easy. We do not enjoy being this way, trust me.

 

Medication has been life-changing for me. Feel free to PM me if you would like.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

To add to this...   It's good he's seeing someone about this.  I also second the suggestion to discuss meds with whomever he's seeing.  Also, I know you said JAWM, but I hope you can understand that most people with OCD know there's something wrong with them, and they're also keenly aware of the fact that they can be a source of constant annoyance to those living with them.  It's yet another painful feeling on top of the difficulty of living with OCD.

[mouse removal]

My ex husband's anxiety often manifested as borderline obsessive behaviors. It was incredibly hard for him because he understood logically his behavior was unreasonable, but he wasn't necessarily able to control it. The behavior worsened his anxiety which worsened his behavior etc. It was brutal for all of us. Therapy and CBT helped when he was compliant. I hope therapy helps your husband. It is really tough for everyone.

 

[Amy in NH]

I'm sorry. I'm emetophobic, and as much as I try to keep it from affecting my family, I know it does. When one of my son's baseball teammates threw up during a game due to heat sickness, I helped his mom get him cleaned up and cooled off... then didn't eat for two or three days. And when I don't eat, it's hard to get a balanced meal made for everyone else. I know we don't go as many places or do as many fun things because I'm so scared of falling ill.

 

Unlike the previous poster, who had a fear of dysentery that went away after having kids, mine started after having kids and got worse after being hospitalized with... ironically... dysentery from shigella. I contracted it from a science museum after touching something contaminated, which then got on the stroller handle. I washed my hands before eating, but still had to push the stroller from the bathroom to the picnic area. I passed out at home and ended up admitted to the hospital for three days.

 

I'm a bit traumatized by it all. I wake up in a panic several nights a week, with my heart racing, wondering if that little noise I just heard was a child vomiting in bed. I could feel myself start to panic earlier when my son wanted a Costco sample and had to fight off the intrusive thought, "He touched the cart and then his food. He touched the cart and then his food."

 

Before the hospitalization, I could talk myself into thinking, "The worst thing that can happen is a day of vomiting." Now I know it can be worse, albeit rarely. I don't quit driving because of the risk of accidents, so why do I avoid people and food because of the risk of norovirus? I wish I knew.

 

Oddly enough, I have a sore throat and feel influenza-achy right now, but it doesn't bother me. It's not puking, which is irrational given how much worse respiratory viruses can get, but that's what matters.

 

I hope the counseling helps your DH. I might be in the same boat one of these days. And I hope that your son (and anyone else who gets that cold!) feels better soon.

This time of year I wear thin gloves throughout each public outing, then wash when we get home. I ask my kids to do the same when we are shopping. No need to maximize risk of exposure.

[AngieW in Texas]

Two of my kids have OCD, so I know what you are going through. My oldest is able to take medication to help deal with it, although it isn't working as well as it used to. Unfortunately, my other kid with OCD cannot take any SSRIs and also had pretty strong reaction to SNRI. We are going to try N-Acetyl Cysteine and see if that helps.

 

Working with an OCD specialist can help. I generally recommend an OCD specialist rather than just a general counselor.

[Guest]

I would've flipping out silently in my head living with someone acting like that, brain issues or not. It would be like being held captive in my own house! I'm sorry your DH is struggling and everyone else is by sheer proximity to him :(

 

I'd investigate the OCD possibility if only because therapy and medication might provide him some relief. And try not to smother him with a sneezed on pillow in the meantime ;)

[Guest]

I really am trying to be patient, that's why I posted here. I really can't lay it on him.

 

I can't say I would really call him OCD in any other area. I think it has to do with stress.

 

Kelly

Agreeing with Mercy. Stress triggers my anxiety and I get caught up in all sorts of things I believe I MUST do. When I'm in a good place, my OCD-like behaviors receed.

 

It's also not always the same area on which I fixate. It might be the neatness of my closet or fastidious groceries. It could be a spotless shower for a while or some ritual about writing everything down.

 

Living with *myself* is hard sometimes. ;)

[happi duck]

When my stress is high I check locked things over and over.

 

My hope is for a less stressful 2017!

[heartlikealion]

I think I have OCD (though the psychiatrist thinks just OCD like symptoms). I don't like it when ds is sick and lounging on the couch, but mainly because I don't trust him to cover his mouth when he coughs and sneezes (he doesn't always react in time or forgets) and to put used tissues into the garbage. He also is more likely to leave out a drink that the toddler will try to sip from, thus passing germs to her.

 

But I don't know if any of that stuff applies to your dh and ds. If so, perhaps the mask suggestion would help.

 

I'd worry the hotel suggestion would be enabling? Plus most germaphobes probably don't like hotels. I've seen too many shows that have convinced me I shouldn't sit on the bedspread and should wipe down remotes and phones if I plan to use them.

[SquirrellyMama]

 

I'd worry the hotel suggestion would be enabling? Plus most germaphobes probably don't like hotels. I've seen too many shows that have convinced me I shouldn't sit on the bedspread and should wipe down remotes and phones if I plan to use them.

When we stay at hotels we have to take in our disinfecting supplies first and clean. Not a surface is missed with Clorox wipes and Lysol.

 

The bedspreads are all thrown into a corner for the stay.

 

Kelly

Edited December 31, 2016 by SquirrellyMama

[MercyA]

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Edited February 14, 2017 by MercyA

[MercyA]

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Edited February 14, 2017 by MercyA