Sharon77 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 It has happened again. Being of middle age has not helped me to be more shrewd. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. So I give and help out. Many times, I do things for others in an effort to build relationship. It has rarely worked. People just use me and then push me out. More than anything, I feel stupid and like such a sucker. Again. How do I forgive and forget? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 You are not a stupid sucker, being used happens to every gracious helpful person. I'm sure you are quite lovely. You probably need to work on your self esteem so that you see that. I have been taken advantage of so many times since we took over this business that I couldn't ever keep track. The fault is with people who don't keep their word, don't do the right things, ect. I pray for those people and continue to develop relationships with people who are more mutual, even when they seem unlikely. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 (hugs) If I ever figure it out I'll let you know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I guess look at it like you are a kind hearted person who wants to help. You give without strings attached. And now stop doing that! I don't know what is wrong with people. They are selfish mostly I guess. Sorry you got burned. BTDT. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Get mad and don't forget. This won't stop people from trying to use you, and you can even DECIDE that that is ok if you want, next time. But make sure "next time" is an eyes wide open situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Boundaries. If you're living within your boundaries you won't feel used regardless of h what the other person does. And yes, different people require different boundaries. It can take an excel spreadsheet to keep track of it sometimes, though. Lol. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Being used suggests that you feel someone took something from you. Give, give as freely as you want, and then stop when you no longer want to. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 It has happened again. Being of middle age has not helped me to be more shrewd. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. So I give and help out. Many times, I do things for others in an effort to build relationship. It has rarely worked. People just use me and then push me out. More than anything, I feel stupid and like such a sucker. Again. How do I forgive and forget? What do you mean by "I do things for others in an effort to build relationship"? Are people seeking you out for help in a specific area of your expertise/work? Are you joining in established projects/ministries hoping to find like-minded friends? Are you seeking opportunities to jump in an volunteer or serve, even if a need wasn't advertised? Are you the person who 'does it all' in an organization or ministry? Or are people seeking you out because you're available for free babysitting, emergency (actually, poor planning, not true disaster emergencies) help, such as rides to school, work, pet care, etc.? I ask because I'm a fixer/helper, and I truly enjoy being needed. But I have found that it is rarely the path to lasting or meaningful friendships... it is more a way to serve and fill needs in the family and community. It has been extremely rare that a friendship has lasted after my involvement in a group or service project has ended. I think maybe once a friendship developed out of long-time service on my part, but it was an elderly lady and her daughter- I went to her house to cut and perm her hair as she was unable to get out to a salon, but we had already known each other though a family friendship with my great-aunt. If you're looking to build friendships and that is the reason why you're helping, it might sound crazy, but consider limiting your help or not offering immediately. One of my dearest friendships began at a mom's activity, and over the years we developed th kind of friendship where I could go to her house to take care of the kids while one was taken to the hospital, she could help me declutter my kitchen, we worked on service projects for the community... meaning, we helped each other and the world around us. Having relationships like that helped to "fuel" me, and also helped me gain some perspective on the relationships where I was just being taken advantage of, or simply doing what needed to be done for a team or organization because I could and chose to. I've also found that if my relationship,to a person or organization is primarily based on my helping them I tend to get very bitter when it ends. Which is weird... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I'm a fixer/helper too. And, yes, there are an amazing out of users out there. You know, the people who only contact you when they need something? Yep. It used to bug me too. And it sometimes still does. But, I decided that I would do what I could to help if someone asks for it. But only if I have time and energy and it doesn't take away from my family, real friends, and other responsibilities. I've cut back my involvement with different groups. And now I'm trying to figure out how to remove myself from leadership in a group that causes a lot of stress for me but removing myself means that regular members in the group will loose some protection that my presence in the leadership provided. I know I need to do it for my own sanity, but I feel bad about leaving these people vulnerable. No physical harm, and people are free to move on at any time, and they can elect to stand up for themselves. They are adults, so they can take care of themselves. But it is hard, because I know there will be problems that wouldn't be allowed to develop if I stayed. And stress. And probably some friendships will suffer. But I *cannot* fix all the problems everywhere for everyone. I've done this for four years, and I cannot do it anymore. So, I'm sorry you were disappointed again. It hurts to feel used. It hurts to be used. I get that. ((hugs)) I hope you can find a path that allows you some peace. And maybe it is just the mantra - I cannot fix everything for everyone. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I think it helps to frame the action in the beginning as something where you don't have expectations of the people, you are doing it because it is right, or what you want to do. That is, the decision is about what you feel you ought to do, not how they will respond. They may respond well, or may respond badly because they are incapable or anything else, or users. But that doesn't reflect you, and it isn't impinging on your decision to act. For example - I know people who are offended by the idea that someone they give money to on the street might use it in a bad way. I find it best to say that I give them money, if I do, because I think I should. Then it is theirs, and what they choose to do with it is nothing to do with me. I am choosing to facilitate a little more choice for that person. (And I might choose not to if I think I am being actively taken advantage of, or my help will actually reduce that person's choice because of some limitation.) It sounds impersonal in a way - it takes a little care to achieve that distance while also keeping in mind that it is a person involved who needs to be thought of as such. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I take comfort in my genuine desire to do good, accept my limitations, recognize where the responsibility ultimately lies, and work hard on healthy boundaries! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Honestly, usually I drop that person as a friend. It does take me awhile to figure it out, though. I hear ya. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 (edited) Boundaries. Big, strong, solid boundaries. I do what I WANT to do, not what I think I "should" do, or what others want me to do, or when they want me to do it. For example: I don't watch other people's kids just because they ask me to (except in emergency). I will volunteer to do it if I know they have a event or something, only IF it fits my schedule and I WANT to. This is a lesson I learned the hard way as that was the way I was often used by so-called "friends". I use the word No a lot. And I forgive, but I don't forget. There's powerful lessons to remember that help me to establish and keep my boundaries as close to impenetrable as possible. I had to work really hard on my guilt complex that I should always help anyone who asked, whenever possible. Others that I has helped didn't seem to have that same complex. I learned from them. Edited December 2, 2016 by fraidycat 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I have someone I resented for a while. But I try to be grateful that I am at a point in my life where I can help people and be thankful that I'm not at the point in my life where I need the help this friend does. I also blocked this friend from facebook because it was feeding a lot of resentment. As a Christian, I try to do my duty with joy - sort of an in-so-far-as-it-depends-on-me sense. What she does after that is her business (and, as I've seen, has its own consequences). Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I agree that working at setting healthy boundaries is a good idea. As far as getting over feeling hurt, if that's the case, I try and remember that they are probably coming from an imperfect environment and also don't understand social protocol very well? It's probably not personal at all. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I do things becasue I want to - how others respond is on them. I know who I am - and what others think is irrelevant to my self-image. (I have a couple relatives who are users - not caring what they think is very freeing.) if you can't just let it go - refuse to dwell upon it. that's a starting point. wallowing will just make you more upset and angry. learn to consider the source. it's ok to say no. the people most likely to be used - feel like they must say yes, whether they want to or not, whether it is practical or not. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillStanding Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I treat people as I want to be treated but I have learned to remove myself from situations where there are people who have taken advantage of me before. My group of friends is smaller. I am sorry you are hurting right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 It has happened again. Being of middle age has not helped me to be more shrewd. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. So I give and help out. Many times, I do things for others in an effort to build relationship. It has rarely worked. People just use me and then push me out. More than anything, I feel stupid and like such a sucker. Again. How do I forgive and forget? I'm sorry, and it really doesn't get easier with age, does it? Been there, done that. Just keep trying and treating people well. Some will eventually turn into friends. They are hard to find in middle age but not impossible. You have to forgive, for your own benefit. The deeds of the other person will come down on his own head, sooner or later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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