Total meltdown, computer time issue, coping with changes

[Janeway]

Total meltdown. 

 

12 yr old has been doing great. But, I had also given him 3 hrs of computer a day. Now, I just cut that back to 2 hrs. I figured he did not need 3 hrs and I had just a little more I wanted done. When 3pm came and he realized he was not getting his computer, he completely broke down, crying and all. 

 

What do you make of this? He has been doing all his work and doing great. I am thinking he should just get the three hours. He seems to have a coping issue. Now he is completely losing it. 

 

I feel like he has a serious anxiety disorder that has gone undiagnosed. Public schools will only evaluated when there is an academic need. We cannot afford a private evaluation. But that is ok. He is home and does not need an IEP to get through school. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Did you tell him the plan ahead of time? Did you give him a specific cutoff time?

 

If the answer is no, do those things.

 

If the answer is yes, and he still melted down, a few thoughts:

1. Try doing a reminder, with him specifically acknowledging when he is going to be cut off.

2. Give him a reminder 20 minutes before the cut off that the cutoff is happening.

3. Remind  him 5 minutes beforehand that he needs to be saving his progress on whatever he is doing, and that xyz activity is next for him--snacktime, chore time, whatever.

 

That's a lot of framework for a 12yo.  

 

Please look into an anxiety evaluation for him.  If you do not have behavioral health benefits in your insurance (and most people do!), please talk with your pediatrician. Oftentimes puberty causes a huge spike in behavioral health issues.  An anxiety evaluation is not the full neuropsych with the $$$$ bill attached...but true serious anxiety is just as real of a health concern as a kid with asthma or a kid with a broken ankle.

[73349]

Okay, bear in mind that my DS is a little younger, but I take a meltdown as a sign that yes, he has gotten too attached to [whatever it is] and needs less of it.

 

I try to make it easier by offering other fun things in its place at first, though.

Edited July 28, 2016 by whitehawk

[Sherry in OH]

You changed the rules and he doesn’t like it. 

 

Did you explain in advance that the rules would be changing or did his usual screen time arrive and then you told him no screens for another hour?  If the former, I would say screens are a privilege that was not earned today.   If the latter, I still will not let him have screens until his work was finished, but would not take further disciplinary action.   

[freelylearned]

Stick to your guns, he'll get over it. I don't think extreme reactions to losing screen time are that unusual at that age.

 

You could start an audio book with him or let him listen to podcasts for an hour to ease the transition. He'll still be entertained by electronics, but not in such a passive manner.

 

You could also start his screen time later (4-6) rather than staying with the same earlier time (1-3). I let my kids have their screen time right before dinner, so when 6:00 comes there is no down time to fill before they go to their dinner chores. Instead of complaining about not playing longer, they realize they are hungry as soon as they hit the power button.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

If you gave reasonable advanced notice and warning, then I would just stick with it.

 

 

If it was sudden, I might consider easing into it.

[Miss Tick]

My 11yo will get upset and teary if he realizes that the computer time he had hoped for is not going to work out, even if it is for his own, self-imposed reasons. He is just sad that he can't do, or do as much of, this thing he really likes. I feel the same thing when I search for my secret chocolate stash and then realize I finished it off last week.

 

I don't want to second guess your mom-gut, but just say that we see that here and to me it is just a disappointment that he will eventually learn to hide in the manner that adults generally do.

[mamiof5]

IMHO 3 hrs of computer time is excessive, but that's just me.

 

Find what you feel comfortable with (as far as time allowed), explain to him once that what you did before is changing, and stick to your new plan.

 

Meltdown demanding more computer time would probably result in less computer time in our house.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

He may have an undiagnosed anxiety issue but honestly he also may just not do well with change or transitions.  He also may have a bit of a computer addiction.  Easy to do, honestly.  

 

Is he getting exercise daily?  Does he have opportunities to hang out with other kids pretty consistently in a more unstructured environment?  Is there anything he has to look forward to after academics besides his computer time?

 

I wouldn't automatically back down because he became emotional.  I would stand firm (in a supportive way) on the reduced screen time but work VERY hard to fill it with something else he might like and give it a couple of weeks for him to adjust to the change.  If he knows you are firm while you are also understanding of his feelings (but not changing the decision) eventually he should adjust.  If, after a couple of weeks, he is still melting down then yes I would definitely be concerned and look into evaluations.

[Susan in TX]

My son would have done a similar thing at that age. He was eventually diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. It could also just be that he is a normal 12 year old boy and he is upset that you have reduced the time he is allowed to do something he really enjoys. If I were you, I'd rethink the decision. Why are you reducing his computer time? Does he need more time to get his schoolwork done? Is it a behavior issue? (My son would have behavior issues if he spent too much time on the computer.) Personally, I wouldn't limit computer time at all. I would require that schoolwork gets done first and then after that  would allow him to use his time as he wished.

 

Susan in TX

[Guest]

I'm 32 and if I expected something I looked forward to and I don't get it for an arbitrary reason, Id be liable to pitch a fit too.

 

You said he was fine. That means it was working before.

 

If "a little bit more" needs to be done, just add whatever else in, in an age appropriate way, helping him navigate his increased responsibilities.

 

Because in his shoes, I'd feel punished just for the crime of liking the computer (and who doesn't?) AND I'm always one on these boards defending screen time limits for some kids. But if he had a limit and everything was hunky dory, per the op...taking it away just because (I realize that you, as the adult, don't feel like its just because, cause its your mind that decides...but in his shoes how would you feel?) Would strike me as unfairly, nonsensically punative. And if I were a kid I can imagine how a big feeling like that would express itself: I'd pitch a fit.

Edited July 29, 2016 by OKBud

[mamamoose]

My son would pitch a fit with time being cut from electronics with just one day's warning, let along just changing it without notice. We are going "iPod free" for the month of August and we have worked up to it since the 15th of July. We already limit the amount of time on electronics to 45 minutes each day after 4 pm, and only if school work is completed, but I am tired of them asking what time it is, lol, so we are going to fast from the iPods. I think 3 hours is a lot of time for a 12 year old to have every day...but I don't know your entire situation so that's certainly not a judging statement. I just think it lends itself to becoming very dependent on it.

[mamamoose]

Just as a side note, If I were going to take an hour a day away, I would give him a week's notice and keep reminding him about it.

[ekorda]

I would say that it is less of an undiagnosed issue than it is an issue of his attachment to the computer.  Technology tends to have an addiction component to it.  I see with my own kids that, the more time they get their electronics, the worse the behavior.  If I let them have it consistently for long periods, it is like withdrawal when I either give them less time or take it away completely.  I will be honest in saying that I think that 3 hours a day is excessive....I suspect that, if he has had it for 3 hours per day over a long period of time, he is addicted to it.  The crying, tantrums, etc are the withdrawal signs.  When I have had these experiences in the past I made my kids go "cold turkey".  Yes, I paid for it for a number of days...but it was well worth it.  My kids used to get their ipads every day...but after the behavior issues started to return, I took them away.  They have not had them for over a month.  I allow one hour in the afternoon for either computer games (for my daughter) or Wii (for my sons).  I set the timer and when the hour is over they have to get right off.  If they have behavior issues that day - it gets taken away and they dont get it at all.  I heard alot of complaining and "i'm bored" talk for the first few days but they eventually figure it out.  To me boredom is just lack of creativity.  If they tell me they are bored, I tell them that I have plenty of chores to do - if they dont want to help me with those then it is best that they find something to do.  They probably hear, "figure it out" more times than they care to hear! 

[Janeway]

My son would have done a similar thing at that age. He was eventually diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. It could also just be that he is a normal 12 year old boy and he is upset that you have reduced the time he is allowed to do something he really enjoys. If I were you, I'd rethink the decision. Why are you reducing his computer time? Does he need more time to get his schoolwork done? Is it a behavior issue? (My son would have behavior issues if he spent too much time on the computer.) Personally, I wouldn't limit computer time at all. I would require that schoolwork gets done first and then after that  would allow him to use his time as he wished.

 

Susan in TX

He had not done anything wrong at all.

 

I did not give him proper notice, I realize now. I had mentioned we would reduce computer time by more. But I was not specific. He gets it currently from 3-6pm and it still unlocks again from 7-8pm. It is still on summer hours. I had said after my birthday, we will cut it back to two hours a day. That is pretty much all I said. And it was my birthday earlier this week.

 

First, he paced for a bit. And his face was all scrunched up and red and tense and worked up. And then he asked, in a very pressured and upset voice, why he was being punished and what did he do wrong. 

 

He is completely different from my child who has Aspergers (now ASD). Do you think he could be there anyway? I have suspected it, but there are definite differences. Like, my child with Aspergers has a different tone of voice.

[Innisfree]

Autism can certainly be expressed differently in different kids.

 

This sort of situation (sudden, unexpected change; the loss of something which is highly valued; a perception of injustice because the child had been following established rules) would be a guaranteed trigger for my kid with autism. However, I suspect it would be a trigger for many neurotypical kids too.

 

If you suspect this son is on the spectrum, evaluations are really the way to go. Otherwise you're just guessing. Something as small as tone of voice is just one individual element, when it's the total picture that counts.

 

But giving advance notice of big changes is good parenting that works well for everyone. ;-)

[Bree]

My oldest 2 would both have similar reactions to decreased computer time. One has ADHD/SPD/Anxiety...(9), the other, who is 11 has no issues and they both would probably react like that ;) For us my oldest adjusts more quickly. My 9 year old takes about 2 weeks to get adjusted to withdraws. I wouldn't take that one situation as an indication there may be more underlying issues. For me I see it more as an addiction problem. Take away our computer or phones from us and we tend to be a little more grumpy. Unfortunately the kids tend to be a little more emotional ;( Not saying that there may be more to your dc issues. You also mentioned not being able to afford an eval, there are many places that have sliding scale prices, especially when it comes to kids, so I would look and ask around because there may be something out there that you could afford. I know for us it has done a world of good for my 9 year old.

[Guest]

He had not done anything wrong at all.

 

 

First, he paced for a bit. And his face was all scrunched up and red and tense and worked up. And then he asked, in a very pressured and upset voice, why he was being punished and what did he do wrong.

 

 

Right.

[Ravin]

Total meltdown. 

 

12 yr old has been doing great. But, I had also given him 3 hrs of computer a day. Now, I just cut that back to 2 hrs. I figured he did not need 3 hrs and I had just a little more I wanted done. When 3pm came and he realized he was not getting his computer, he completely broke down, crying and all. 

 

What do you make of this? He has been doing all his work and doing great. I am thinking he should just get the three hours. He seems to have a coping issue. Now he is completely losing it. 

 

I feel like he has a serious anxiety disorder that has gone undiagnosed. Public schools will only evaluated when there is an academic need. We cannot afford a private evaluation. But that is ok. He is home and does not need an IEP to get through school. 

Anxiety is a whole life issue, not a school issue. An evaluation should be covered by whatever health insurance you have. 

[SkateLeft]

Any of my kids would have been upset if I'd changed a prior rule without giving them adequate notice, regardless of what it involved.

 

Unless it's a safety thing, I think it's important to give them some heads up. Honestly, at 12 years old, the child is old enough to listen to your concerns and your reason for changing the rule before you spring it on them. I think he's justifiably upset at feeling punished.

[regentrude]

I did not give him proper notice

. I had said after my birthday, we will cut it back to two hours a day. That is pretty much all I said. And it was my birthday earlier this week.

 

First, he paced for a bit. And his face was all scrunched up and red and tense and worked up. And then he asked, in a very pressured and upset voice, why he was being punished and what did he do wrong. 

 

Have you had a conversation explaining WHY you want to cut back on computer time? Have you discussed with him what your concerns are?

Have you discussed what he is doing on the computer? I find this very important. "Computer time" is such a broad term - my DS's computer use includes communicating with his friends, watching training videos for his sport, working on his creative writing, playing chess, and some gaming. Lumping this all together under "computer use" would make it difficult to analyze what different needs the computer time fills for him (connection with friends, education, pursuing a hobby, relaxation).

 

I can understand that your DS feels punished if you simply decided to shorten his computer time without involving him in a conversation about his computer use. I am not a fan of handing down verdicts to kids that have to be followed undisputed; I have gotten much better results if we sat down together and discussed where problems arise.

 

So what is the issue with his computer time? Why does it have to be shortened? What need does the computer fill for your DS? Does he feel robbed of a way of socializing? 

Edited July 29, 2016 by regentrude

[Ausmumof3]

It sounds like you want to cut it back so he can do more school work? Is his workload reasonable and age appropriate? If it is is there any way you can get him started a little earlier so he can get through it and still have his computer time? I would consider presenting it like this. We need to add xyz subject/activity into your school day. When do you think you can fit that in? If he has another time slot he can use them his computer time can stay the same.

 

However if you want to cut computer usage for some other reason (behavioural or ideological) I would look at substituting a fun activity for the computer time for a while till he gets used to it.

 

Or you could try our technique... iPad battery basically died so the kids went cold turkey!

[FriedClams]

I absolutely would not jump to anxiety disorder or autism, but angry slightly addicted 12 year old. I'd cut the time to two hours. You told him it was coming. He's 12, not 2, so he I think a constant reminded of what's coming is unreasonable, and harmful (I can see how "only real days left of computer time" could cause stress). If there were whining and complaining, I'd unplug it. In our house, screens are a privilege. If any of us get too connected, they get turned off. When he queries what he did wrong, I'd say "Nothing, but we need more exercise and activity away from the screens. Let's go the park/walk/bike ride/bake/build something/play a game/library/read/yard work/etc/etc."