s/o Sibling relationships post-eldercare

[Joules]

I know the eldercare situation is very difficult for siblings.  I'm interested in experiences from those who have BTDT and come out the other side.  Did your relationships recover? 

[FaithManor]

I am not on the otherside yet, but I can see the way things are going and while my brother and I will be okay, our sister who is very much not embracing reality and is profoundly angry with us for accepting the inevitable and being at peace with it will likely cut us off when it is all over.

[Anne in CA]

My father an his sister's relationships never recovered. My dad was not completely at fault during the time things were going wrong... but now he is. He got offended when he wanted to do what was best for my grandmother and one of his sister's husband was being manipulative. That was his favorite sister. My dad was crushed and he just doesn't trust his sisters anymore. Sad.

[Scarlett]

Well my brother and I already have a weird relationship...he isn't that mentally stable so I let many things pass that I otherwise might not. He took care of our dad for the last 6 months. I appreciated it because I would not have done it. I couldn't have but I also wouldn't have.

 

My step,sister and I are very much on the same page about our parents ( her dad my mom). We will be doing everything between the two of us. And yes I feel sure that relationship will survive.

[J-rap]

I would think that if you have a good, healthy relationship with each other before all of that, then it will eventually return to it again.

[ErinE]

My mother and her siblings managed fine. They all got along before the elder care was required which I think helped them manage the issue. One sibling was recognized as the primary caregiver because of proximity, and the other siblings deferred to her in most matters. I think there was some disagreement initially, but the sibling caregiver told the others that if they wanted to make the primary decisions, they could have the primary responsibility. They take sibling trips together and meet up once a year around a holiday.

Edited June 28, 2016 by ErinE

[Lawana]

I've seen it go both ways in my and dh's families.

 

Dh and his brother are in a profoundly disturbed relationship since their mother's passing three years ago. It's just ugly. I'm not hopeful for a good outcome. And yes, part of it was BIL not accepting the dying process. MIL lived with us for 11 years prior to her death. A fall and heart attack 5 months prior to her death greatly upped the amount of care she needed to essentially 24/7. Dh's tried to engage BIL(not local) in planning and decision making, but BIL wanted no part of that. When a final illness made it clear that her death was immanent, BIL traveled to be with her at the end. He came and was critical and judgmental about our care giving, including us not feeding her, because if she didn't eat, she wouldn't get better. She was dying. She knew it, we knew it, hospice knew it. BIL had not been here to witness the changes. The expressions of being done with life. The giving away of possessions. The letting go.

 

BIL focused on her hair, her nails, her pajamas. Yes, she had a build up of shampoo in her hair because she was getting bed baths with inadequate rinsing. If you have a better way, let us know. That she weighed 75 pounds at the time of her death with extreme skin sensitivities might have something to do with her having only three pairs of pajamas that she would wear. And changing was a big issue, so she might have a stain on her top for two days. Again, if you would like to find her some new ones that met her requirements, and convince her to change every day, please step in and do so.

 

Then there were the burial expenses. Oy. They became the vehicle for incredible acrimony.

 

So yeah, I am not too hopeful.

[gardenmom5]

I had the poa/etc/etc.

 

my brother really reallly really wanted the control, and would brazenly manipulate her underneath the drs watchful eyes.  (the drs were thoroughly disgusted, and helped with putting the breaks on him.) 

 

things got super uber ugly (far uglier than you can probably imagine) after she died.  I've chosen to be the bigger person and reach out, (he's gone bonkers) the relationship is still extremely difficult and I dont' know if it will ever be even as tolerable as it was before.

[gardenmom5]

I would think that if you have a good, healthy relationship with each other before all of that, then it will eventually return to it again.

this.

mil is 91. dh and his sisters are pretty much on the same page with her and their relationships should be fine after her demise.  (we're also convinced she's to ornery to die.  ;-p)

 

I've seen it go both ways in my and dh's families.

 

Dh and his brother are in a profoundly disturbed relationship since their mother's passing three years ago. It's just ugly. I'm not hopeful for a good outcome. 

So yeah, I am not too hopeful.

 

btdt.  you have my deepest condolences. these types of situations bring out who people really are.

[Innisfree]

My brother and I had a somewhat detached but basically good relationship before our parents needed care.

 

I was the one who was physically close enough to help them substantially as they declined; he lived farther away. He respected my decisions, listened to me gripe, called to talk to my parents often, and occasionally visited.

 

After their death we were both executors but he took the lead, which I appreciated very much. He did a much better job than I could have at that point.

 

Now we have a somewhat detached but basically good relationship. We're just very different people, in different worlds, and don't have a lot in common, but I think we each care about and respect the other.

Edited June 28, 2016 by Innisfree

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 10, 2016 by ~ d9n

[Seasider]

My sibling relationships will remain intact, mostly because we have to maintain a united front against the real adversary: my mother's husband's children. They're not likely to be cooperative or helpful with anything we sibs agree on.

[Guest]

My dh was primary care for his dad, including the post-mortem, and is for his mother.  The other siblings live at least 2 days drive away.  Each has played a part in taking care, at least to some small degree.  On sister came out to stay with MIL during rehab for a broken hip.  One brother might come out for a long-term stay when we go to Hawaii for 3 weeks.   MIL is independent in her home, but can't shop, drive, etc., and has to be taken care of in those ways.  She has all her marbles.  

 

My sister and 93 yo mom took care of my dad in his long decline; I swooped in when she was overwhelmed, but as they had all their marbles, they made most of their decisions (and thank God, put them in writing!).  My sister now lives with my mother, who is able in her home, and still can go shopping and to church and so on, but is definitely not as sharp as she used to be.  Healthy though.  

 

So, you asked about the sibling relationships:  we are all fine.  I think we have very good families, even if we are weird in some ways. We're intact, and we don't care about the material possessions or "mom always liked you best" kind of thing.   But the main thing, I think, is that in our situation, one person has been the obvious primary caretaker, and everyone else lives far away.  

 

When people criticized my dh for the way things were going, he was very clear:  "You are most welcome to come out and take care of this yourself."  (Interestingly, it was the least involved people who were the most critical.)  My dh does a wonderful job with the day-to-day taking care issues--he is always cheerful and willing.  But his SISTER was magnificent at digging through all the paperwork and so on.  They are a good team, and they get on each other's nerves, but they apologize and come to terms.   

 

As for me, I completely defer to my sister, even when I disagree on some things.  I'm not there, I'm not living with it all, and I am not a caretaker.  I am, however, a good executive.  So when my mom is being unreasonable about something and won't listen to my sister, I give Mom a call.  She listens to me more than she does to my sister, so I just do what it takes to keep my sister sane.  And when there are crises, I swoop in again.  When my dad went into serious decline, I took care of all the urgent and information-dense things:  assisted living investigation, hospital admission and medical decisions, hospice firing and hiring, nursing home investigation, evaluation and contracts.  It helped a LOT that my parents had their wishes in writing.  But my *sister* was the one who explained all the decisions to Dad, and to Mom, and took CARE of them in helping them over the hurdles.  

 

Bottom line:  someone is in charge because they can do the best job.  Everyone defers UNLESS there is danger or negligence or criminal activity or something like that.  Everyone contributes a strength they have, but offers it, doesn't force it, on the main decision-maker.  And everyone realizes that the main caretaker has a lot to do, and might like a day off, or need a job done that they can't or don't want to do.  

 

And it is *immensely* helpful that a parent has taken the care to get IN WRITING what they prefer.  This is a time fraught with intense emotions of all kinds, and that is just not conducive to peaceful relations.  

 

And even if things get a bit gnarly, with good intentions and forgiveness, things can come right again...if these are people of good will. On one side of the family, we came out on the short end of the stick financially, and decided not to care; it won't put us in the poorhouse, and we decided that this was our offering of love to our parents.  A lot of it how things work out depends on how you meet the challenges.  

 

 

[nd293]

When I look back on it from the outside, my mother and three sisters seemed to live out their personalities. They get on well, and are close. But older sister, who is the organiser, organised and was most involved, second sister went along with things but was supportive, third sister was supportive but also suggested fourth sister could resign her job, move back home and become a paid caregiver, and fourth sister (sensibly and with the support of 1 and 2) declined and remained physically far from the situation.

[Guest]

My mother got over her anger at her two sibling after my grandmother died. She was ditched with 100% of the care. One sister didn't care and wanted zilch to to with my grandmother anyway, and her other sister has always kind of been a hot mess and couldn't handle her own life, much less her mother's. My mother used to get very angry with the one sister who didn't give a whit about my grandma. I mean fuming angry and how she perceived my grandma was being affected by all of it. But after my grandma died, it simmered down rather quickly. I think their relationships have gone back to normal, which is mostly distant anyway and the lack of need to be in contact has given my mom a lot of peace. She doesn't have to deal with them anymore. It's not the typical family though- they aren't close a bit, and it sounds here like a lot of siblings are.

[LucyStoner]

My mother's care was largely left to me and my husband. My father's ongoing care now is largely left to me and my husband. My father's care in the future will almost certainly also be our responsibility. My parents were/are without financial assets so we also took care of all of her funeral costs.

 

My brothers basically showed up at the end and made a lot of drama about how they were losing their mom. Their mom who they maintained minimal contact with and always had a reason to not step up and help. To them it was more about them than it was about mom.

 

It's for the best that my younger brother and I don't have any other elders in our family who will require our care once our dad dies. We are the only branch of the family tree in the PNW, our grandparents are all dead and our aunts and uncles have their own adult children.

 

I used to be mad about the lack of parity in caregiving in my family it but frankly, life is easier just doing it than trying to get my brothers involved. My brother who is functional is a SAHD so it's not like it was because I had more time on my hands than him with my mom or now with my dad. I did largely quit my job though because of end of life care for my mom though there were other factors (new baby but couldn't see how infant care and elder care simultaneously were work compatible so I quit rather than return after maternity leave. I found a new job once she had died and my son was 10-11 months old.)

Edited June 28, 2016 by LucyStoner

[AimeeM]

I hope it continues after FIL passes, but I can honestly say that for the first time in 10+ years, my husband and his estranged much-younger brother are close, working well together, and actually have a relationship, despite (or perhaps, because of) the tremendous stress they are both under juggling work, their own families, and their Dad's decline. They are working hard together to care for FIL and it's lovely to see. I pray it continues. 

[Reefgazer]

We are in the  midst of this now with my parents, so not on the other side yet.  At first, we started to descend into petty bickering/blaming, but we got our heads together and verbalized the need to focus on parent-care, rather than blame and workload, and so far, things are OK between us siblings.  It's important to stop yourselves when the bickering and blaming starts, which happens because everyone is strssed and scared.  We are all basically on the same page when it comes to dying; we are realistic and practical and none of us are inclined toward extreme life-extending measures.  POA and medical proxies were divvied up based on who was close by, who could handle money matters, etc....  We all trust each other on these things, so that makes it easy.

Edited June 29, 2016 by reefgazer

[Wheres Toto]

It's just my brother and I, and he lives in Florida.  We get along okay but we've lived far apart for the past 26 years so rarely see each other and aren't close.   Our parents both live in my state but are no longer married to each other.  Dad has a much younger wife who will probably handle most of his end of life decisions (he's 78 now). 

 

I've been helping my mother deal with my stepfather's death for the last few months.  His kids are local but uninvolved.  In the course of helping her with this, she has mentioned that she is having me serve as her executor, etc. and will be in charge of everything.  She is 70 and in okay health so hopefully there's a while before it will come up.  I doubt it will change the relationship between my brother and I at all.

[JonesinIndiana]

We've just dealt with this.

 

I am the youngest of 6 and my mom died in July 2015 and my dad in Nov. They were both in a nursing home for a few years before their deaths. Out of 5 of us ( 1 sister died in Jan 2015) 1 sister was the person that did all the paperwork, was POA, and was on their deed to their condo. She really did a lot of work from the time they downsized into the condo from the family home to the time they went into a nursing home, which was about 10 years. The Condo was sold and everything was split 5 ways (sister that died didn't have children or husband), we chose what we wanted from their possessions, mostly sentimental things. We all got along as adults, not always as children though😉. We continue to get along as we close out accounts and finalize things. It was my parent's greatest wish that we stay close and not argue. With each funeral service the pastor said my parent's greatest legacy was the relationship we have with each other and that we had with our parents.

 

I think siblings can get along but it's like anything, sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and do what is best for mom and dad. Fortunately, we were all in agreement with what happened with our parents and when we weren't in agreement, we would explain our side but concede to the majority, and there were no hard feelings.

 

I guess the bottom line is if you're starting from a good place, there's a good chance it will continue. But if there's a drama queen or a loose cannon, and people aren't getting along, then coming together might be difficult if not impossible.