luckymom Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 My ds13 has been/is routinely disrespectful, hurtful with his words, and critical of me. When it's "over" he never apologizes UNTIL he wants something. Then he gives me the speech about how all he has to do is say "sorry" and then if I am not forgiving, that's my problem but he's done all that's required of him. If I say anything about restoring trust or relationship, he makes it out that I am holding a grudge. No matter what direction I take with the conversation, he makes it out to be on me. BUT, when it is on me, I sincerely/fully apologize and try to make things right and change my behaviors. He apologizes to get it over with and get what he wants. I do not know what to do or say. Right now, I am going to bed wishing things were ok between us, but they are not. But, I cannot just be his doormat. He is going away to camp for a few weeks in the morning and I hate having this between us at all, but in particular, at this moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 (hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 (hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brynndolyn Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I don't have any super helpful advice, but I think one of the best analogies about trust that I have heard is "Trust is earned in pennies and spent in dollars." Your son's trust piggy bank is empty. It's not your fault if he has nothing to spend, don't let him guilt you into thinking otherwise. Teenagers are tough. Best of luck to you, so sorry you are going through this. :( Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Can you tell him the exact thing you wrote here? At 13, he's old enough to know better. His attitude and then throwing blame on you is manipulative, hurtful and immature. And an apology is NOT all that is required of him. A heartfelt sorrow over what he's done, along with a true desire to change his behavior, is what is required. Does he have older siblings who act like this? Or who can talk to him? Alternatively, does he have younger ones? I'd be concerned that they'd model his behavior down the road. I'm sorry. It stinks when a kid's a jerk, when a parent is doing the right things but gets a big fat nothing back except for lack of consideration for your feelings. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiche Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Why not write him a letter and put it in his bag. He can read it and hopefully reflect on it when he is away from you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I'm sorry. I don't have advice, but I wanted to say that my nephew used to be like that with my sister (his mother). He was like that for years during his teens. She was deeply hurt by it, but somehow kept up their relationship (I don't know how she did it; she was a single mom too). Now, they are best of friends, and he has great respect for her. He sorely regrets the times he treated her like that! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry about your parting ways without having fixed things, but hopefully he'll come back with a better attitude and you'll be ready. I've been through a few sons and I think the best thing I could do for them was just not letting them have what they wanted until their attitudes improved and I saw actual change. Things like making them clean their room and do other chores around the house that they know they're supposed to be doing or helping with. Not allowing certain things, like no sleepovers, no being gone more than 3 hours (until the behavior is better), no movies at home or theatre, etc. No tech. No TV. I don't know what your situation is, but having the dad take a key role in hanging out with your son may do a lot of good. edited for my dorky misspellings and etc Edited June 13, 2016 by Gaillardia 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) From Love and Logic- "I'll be happy to do X for you when I am feeling respected." or I'll do all of the things I do for you around here when I'm feeling respected." x could be buying their favorite foods, driving them anywhere, laundry, making them dinner, or anything you would like to not do. Edited June 13, 2016 by MegP 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andani Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I'm sorry you're in a tough season. It may be good that you'll have some space between you while he's at camp. I'd send him off with some words like, "I know we're having trouble lately, but we'll get though this. All families have struggles getting along. Have fun at camp. I love you and I'll be here when you get home." I'd use the time while he's gone to figure out some things: What level of respect will I insist on? What level will I model? What consequences for disrespect? How will I model apologizing? How can I be pro-active about keeping the peace? What issues can I agree to disagree about? Please take this as it's meant (gently): He's 13. Don't trust him. Don't be hurt by him. Refuse to take his words and attitude personally. He's not going to be truly sorry until he develops some empathy and the maturity to see the results of his actions. Of course you're trying to teach him these things, but he needs more time to make them his own. When my teen is mouthy, or huffy, or otherwise displaying attitude, I point it out and direct him to stop. Sometimes he needs a distraction. Or a job. Sometimes I send him outside, especially if tempers are rising. If those options don't work, he has consequences, usually in the form of lost computer time or missed outings. I've learned that "giving him a talking to" is worthless. But there are times he'll come and tell me he's sorry he "wrecked the evening for the family" because he wanted to pick on his brother. So he is seeing it! Then he gets the hugs, and forgiveness, and reassurance. And I get to feel like I'm not a failure as a parent. I don't know if any of that will help you. At least you'll know that you're not the only mom going through it! I hope you can be refreshed while he's at camp and ready with a strategy when he returns. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymom Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 Thank you for all of the soothing, helpful, reassuring words. I love him and it all pains me. *Sigh* But I am going to use this advice. I can't fall asleep so I will figure something out before his departure in five hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 This is why I'm not a big fan of "I'm sorry". My kids know that apologising may be a good start but it's not nearly enough. You don't get to say "I'm sorry" if you're just going to do it again and it is your behaviour that truly shows "I'm sorry" - not your words. If you wronged someone you can expect to wait until the hurt has faded for them - waiting until the anger has faded for you is not enough. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465813147&sr=8-1&keywords=the+connected+child+by+karyn+purvis The book is about adopted kids but I thought it had good info about respect. I would just plainly tell a 13yo that the way he speaks hurts you and things will be changing. Every time he is disrespectful I would point it out. Every time. Right then. This will likely stink for quite some time. I wish I had more fun advice. My now 17 yo has always been difficult. This honestly took about two years.-sigh- Edited June 13, 2016 by joyofsix 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I might use this time to look at ways I communicate to my son. Am I critical? Am I constantly corrective? Am I any fun to be with? Do I allow his opinions to be voiced, however awkwardly? Do I ask for his input when I decide things, like which chores he should do, or what plans we make? Am I over controlling in the name of teaching him or keeping him safe? It is not about your sucky parenting, lol...It sounds like that is what I am saying! But that is not what I mean. There is a transition in early teenhood, from parents having nearly all the control to kids having some. It's a gradual shift, and some awkwardness on the part of both teen and parent is to be expected. I say look at your own parenting style and try to find ways you can begin to hand over some of the control. Not taking things too personally and learning to be on the less-reactive side can help, imo. It is hard work. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitestavern Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 ((Hugs)) I have a 13 year old boy just like this. We started therapy last week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Hugs. We had a real, real hard time with 13. We ended up needing some outside help from a tough, no nonsense therapist. For me as well as for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 He's 13. Don't trust him. Don't be hurt by him. Refuse to take his words and attitude personally. He's not going to be truly sorry until he develops some empathy and the maturity to see the results of his actions. Of course you're trying to teach him these things, but he needs more time to make them his own. When my teen is mouthy, or huffy, or otherwise displaying attitude, I point it out and direct him to stop. Sometimes he needs a distraction. Or a job. Sometimes I send him outside, especially if tempers are rising. If those options don't work, he has consequences, usually in the form of lost computer time or missed outings. I've learned that "giving him a talking to" is worthless. But there are times he'll come and tell me he's sorry he "wrecked the evening for the family" because he wanted to pick on his brother. So he is seeing it! Then he gets the hugs, and forgiveness, and reassurance. And I get to feel like I'm not a failure as a parent. I don't know if any of that will help you. At least you'll know that you're not the only mom going through it! I hope you can be refreshed while he's at camp and ready with a strategy when he returns. Yes, yes, yes. Don't take it personally. Don't think that this is who he is going to be forever. He is a jerk right now because young teen boys are very, very often jerks. He will grow out of it. DO give consequences. DON'T think for a minute the consequence is going to do much to change his behavior (the consequence isn't about changing his behavior so much as avoiding sending the message that his behavior is ok). DON'T talk any more than you absolutely have to. DON'T think you are going to convince him. Let me repeat: DO NOT think you are going to convince him. Right now, he is a "bad actor" which means that your conversations are not in good faith. He does not care what is true, he just wants what he wants and will refuse to hear anything that he doesn't want to hear (again, don't worry over much about this, he will grow out of it). So when you talk to him about his behavior (which I urge you to do as little as possible, because it won't help) and he says that you are "wrong, mistaken, he disagrees, etc" if you try to convince him that you are right, if you try to explain, you are just setting the table for an argument, which will be futile, because he is a bad actor right now. So give the consequence, then walk away. And make it a global rule that you do nothing for him beyond the necessaries until he learns to treat you with respect. He will argue about this. Don't be there. Like, physically, don't be there. Also, make sure he has enough chores. Good, hard physical chores. He needs something that isn't you to expend that energy on. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I'm sorry. It's such a difficult age. I have to disagree with a pp- please don't send a letter about your frustrations with him to camp. Yes- at 13 he is old enough to hear them, but when the regret hits him, and it will, it will trigger homesickness in that environment. I worked at a summer camp for many years, and it was much more common for teen boys to struggle than any other group. Write him an encouragement letter filled with love, then after he returns and catches up on sleep, lay down the new rules with an iron fist. Enjoy some free time and take care of yourself while he is at camp. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiche Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 If you are referring to my suggestion of a letter, I didn't mean a letter filled with complaints but rather one filled with love but also honesty and hopefulness. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymom Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 There is a lot of helpful and caring alive here. Thank you all. DS came to me this morning - minutes before departing - to apologize fully for all of the awful things he has been saying to me. I am grateful for that. I gave him a hug and we parted peacefully. I will be thinking about all you said/advised and how to try to make real changes when he returns. Thanks again. And hugs to all who have and do go through this. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 We try to teach the importance of changing behaviors and making restitution. DH spent years thinking that saying sorry should be his ticket out of my hurt/irritation and would often argue intensely that "I" was wrong to still be upset. We've spent years working on his perception of this because I disagree completely (now that our kids are trying to do this to him, he really sees how insufficient it is and works to teach them better and himself). So, we try to teach that when we hurt or inconvenience someone (I forgot my essay and mom left work to bring it to me), part of the apology process is to show that person how we plan to change (Ill pack my backpack the night before, I'll use a checklist) and make amends (I'll write a thank-you note, I'll mow the lawn or make dinner). It's not bribery to get back into good graces. It's legitimate caring for the person you hurt or inconvenienced to try to make them feel appreciated and adored. (I love that Love and Logic honors the parent: I'll do that when I feel respected, but the actual process of how to show respect again often needs to be taught explicitly, at least to my kids). If my kids refuse to make amends and restitution, they do t get what they want (usually freedom to use screens again) because it's clear that they are just saying sorry to get what they want. I don't have teens, but I do remember being one, and I remember my mother teaching this to me in my teen years. She was gentle but firm and it made an impression in those years when I was always cranky, angry, or annoyed. :-) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 There is a lot of helpful and caring alive here. Thank you all. DS came to me this morning - minutes before departing - to apologize fully for all of the awful things he has been saying to me. I am grateful for that. I gave him a hug and we parted peacefully. I will be thinking about all you said/advised and how to try to make real changes when he returns. Thanks again. And hugs to all who have and do go through this. That is wonderful! He was clearly thinking about how to fix this so that you could part on good terms before camp. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andani Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 There is a lot of helpful and caring alive here. Thank you all. DS came to me this morning - minutes before departing - to apologize fully for all of the awful things he has been saying to me. I am grateful for that. I gave him a hug and we parted peacefully. I will be thinking about all you said/advised and how to try to make real changes when he returns. Thanks again. And hugs to all who have and do go through this. So happy to hear this! Keep on going, Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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