Do you feel your kids are able to talk with you?

[creekland]

Another question prompted from my students at school.  I was overseeing a club (Gay/Straight Alliance) and kids were sharing things about life that they wanted to share with fellow members.  It came up that one couldn't share certain details with her parents and many others agreed with her.

 

I know I couldn't share pretty much anything (NOT just gay/straight issues) with my parents in my teens.  Anything I said could and was used against me, so my reasons were valid.

 

I like to think I brought my kids up knowing they could share anything and everything including religion, politics, or any other polarizing subject.  I know it worked some, as we discussed many things (still do) and always from a "discuss anything mindset," yet I still wonder if they truly knew they could discuss anything.  Did that message get across?  I know one son shared far more than others, and one son far less than others.  It was just their nature - I think.

 

It makes me wonder if it's a teen thing - being more willing to share with others and less open with parents due to feelings of letting them down (or something intangible) even if parents would be ok with anything and everything.  Then there are those where not being able to share is real - the actions from the parents dictate it.

 

Totally musing here.

 

ALL votes are 100% anonymous, of course.

Edited March 18, 2016 by creekland

[marbel]

Sure, I feel my kids can talk to me about anything.  We do talk a lot and they are free to disagree.  But whether or not they feel they can talk to me about "any and every topic" is another story.   I've no idea if there are things they feel they can't talk to me about.  There's no way for me to know how they feel.  (That's why I voted "other" on the 2nd question.)

 

[maize]

I think a lot depends on the kid. I didn't share much as a kid but that had more to do with me than with my parents. Of my kids, some share much more than others. Some people are reticent by nature when it comes to personal things and family can be the hardest to share with.

[HRAAB]

Yes, my girls are able to talk to me about any issue they have.  I say that with confidence because they have discussed about every subject under the sun with me.  If there is some subject they aren't comfortable discussing with (can't think what it is), I don't know about it.  Often they have a different opinion than I do, and they've never been hesitant to share that different opinion.

 

I wasn't as open discussing sexual matters with my parents, especially my dad as it would have embarrassed him (in his generation fathers didn't discuss those matters with their daughters).  I don't mean I couldn't discuss sex with them; I could and did but it was never personal or or intimate.  Most of those conversations were between my mother and me.  Other than that, I never felt there were any taboo topics.  And, it's not that sex was taboo; they were just from an older generation (born in 1924) and it was uncomfortable for them if it got too personal.  Speaking generally was fine.  I never was afraid to disagree with them  I had a wonderful relationship with my parents.

[BarbecueMom]

I technically could talk to my mom about anything, but didn't want to. I did not have a very open relationship with my dad, but preferred to talk to him instead of my mom.

 

I am not a trusting person. I am less trusting with people who are close to or open with me. Personality thing, been this way since I was very young. The only thing that would have made me more comfortable sharing with my mom would have been her not sharing with me. She was comfortable, therefore I was not.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My kids tell me way more than I wish they would.  LOL  Good for them, hard on me. 

 

I didn't feel I could talk to my parents.  They'd freak out, and as you said, use everything against me.

 

 

[Katy]

Yeah, I could talk to my parents about anything.  I would test them about it. Some celebrity came out as a lesbian when I was a kid...  I want to say it was the child of a celebrity... maybe Chaz Bono came out as lesbian before trans?  I don't remember, but I do remember asking my mom about it, and feeling reassured that she loved me unconditionally.  I'm straight, and I'm certain she knew that, but it was still nice.

[TranquilMind]

Another question prompted from my students at school.  I was overseeing a club (Gay/Straight Alliance) and kids were sharing things about life that they wanted to share with fellow members.  It came up that one couldn't share certain details with her parents and many others agreed with her.

 

I know I couldn't share pretty much anything (NOT just gay/straight issues) with my parents in my teens.  Anything I said could and was used against me, so my reasons were valid.

 

I like to think I brought my kids up knowing they could share anything and everything including religion, politics, or any other polarizing subject.  I know it worked some, as we discussed many things (still do) and always from a "discuss anything mindset," yet I still wonder if they truly knew they could discuss anything.  Did that message get across?  I know one son shared far more than others, and one son far less than others.  It was just their nature - I think.

 

It makes me wonder if it's a teen thing - being more willing to share with others and less open with parents due to feelings of letting them down (or something intangible) even if parents would be ok with anything and everything.  Then there are those where not being able to share is real - the actions from the parents dictate it.

 

Totally musing here.

 

ALL votes are 100% anonymous, of course.

I think it is a teen thing.  My mom wouldn't have raised an eyebrow no matter what I told her, I later discovered.

 

But while in my teens, I kept all relationship stuff to myself, mostly not to add to her burdens (chronically ill sibling).    I think teens tend to do this.  So do mine but I still try to pry information out of them, and once in awhile, the spigot opens up.  ;)

[TranquilMind]

I technically could talk to my mom about anything, but didn't want to. I did not have a very open relationship with my dad, but preferred to talk to him instead of my mom.

 

I am not a trusting person. I am less trusting with people who are close to or open with me. Personality thing, been this way since I was very young. The only thing that would have made me more comfortable sharing with my mom would have been her not sharing with me. She was comfortable, therefore I was not.

What's up with that.  I think one of mine does this. 

Why can't I be comfortable AND my kid be comfortable.  That kid knows I will always be there and always love him/her. 

This sounds annoyingly familiar.  ;)

[HomeAgain]

My oldest talks to me about nearly everything.  So far this year I've learned he's cheated on an assignment, skipped school, had his heart broken....He's very open when it comes to me, but usually only if we're in the car. 

 

OTOH, my parents?  I did not, could not, talk to them.  Not without it coming up again and again for the next ten years.

[TranquilMind]

Yes, my girls are able to talk to me about any issue they have.  I say that with confidence because they have discussed about every subject under the sun with me.  If there is some subject they aren't comfortable discussing with (can't think what it is), I don't know about it.  Often they have a different opinion than I do, and they've never been hesitant to share that different opinion.

 

I wasn't as open discussing sexual matters with my parents, especially my dad as it would have embarrassed him (in his generation fathers didn't discuss those matters with their daughters).  I don't mean I couldn't discuss sex with them; I could and did but it was never personal or or intimate.  Most of those conversations were between my mother and me.  Other than that, I never felt there were any taboo topics.  And, it's not that sex was taboo; they were just from an older generation (born in 1924) and it was uncomfortable for them if it got too personal.  Speaking generally was fine.  I never was afraid to disagree with them  I had a wonderful relationship with my parents.

This!  You just didn't tell your World War II era parents about sex! 

 

Laughing at the thought of it.  The entire extent of my sexual education by parents consisted of, "I was a virgin when I got married and you should be too."

 

However, my dad brought my hundreds of magazines over the years from the dead letter office, so those magazines sure filled me in.  So, thanks dad. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah, I could talk to my parents about anything.  I would test them about it. Some celebrity came out as a lesbian when I was a kid...  I want to say it was the child of a celebrity... maybe Chaz Bono came out as lesbian before trans?  I don't remember, but I do remember asking my mom about it, and feeling reassured that she loved me unconditionally.  I'm straight, and I'm certain she knew that, but it was still nice.

 

LOL  This is funny.  My younger kid did something like this.  He asked me what I'd do if he told me he was gay.  I said I'd say good for you.  He said oh good.  I'm not gay, but ya know in case no girl ever likes me at least I know I have options. LMAO

[TranquilMind]

My oldest talks to me about nearly everything.  So far this year I've learned he's cheated on an assignment, skipped school, had his heart broken....He's very open when it comes to me, but usually only if we're in the car. 

 

OTOH, my parents?  I did not, could not, talk to them.  Not without it coming up again and again for the next ten years.

So funny.  Mine talks in the car and while we are both watching TV very late at night. Something about not looking directly at him and the late hour opens him up.

I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about what the current teens are doing, online and off. 

[creekland]

I think a lot depends on the kid. I didn't share much as a kid but that had more to do with me than with my parents. Of my kids, some share much more than others. Some people are reticent by nature when it comes to personal things and family can be the hardest to share with.

 

I think you are probably right.  It likely depends upon the kid's genetic personality coupled with both their hormones (teen years) and how their parents react.  Our parenting can be a major part if we're negative toward what they share, but it's likely a minor part when we're open.  Then other factors take over.

 

Family can be the most difficult.  I think many kids tend to share more with each other and with other adults who will listen.  It might not matter as much to them if some in that group disagree or maybe those in that group are more likely to be accepting of differing views.  But when family disagrees... one has to live with them (when still a teen at home).  That can make the results afterward more challenging if they don't go the way one wants.

 

As I think about my wider group of IRL friends, there are still some who don't share deeper things with their parents even as adults.  I still don't share them with my dad either, but usually do with my mom now.

[maize]

In my FOO as well as with at least one of my own kiddos it almost presents as a form of selective mutism. The more personal something is and the closer the relationship with the other person the harder it is to talk about. I experienced this to some degree, a couple of my siblings experience it much more intensely.

 

With my child, I sometimes resort to a sort of twenty-questions communication style to try to figure out what is going through their head. Even then the responses tend to be very cautious and non-committal, even to seemingly totally innocuous questions.

Edited March 18, 2016 by maize

[Crimson Wife]

I never did anything in high school that might result in the need to have any "difficult conversations" with my parents. They would've been fine with a GLB orientation in my brothers or me so long as we were not having s*x (but they did not want us engaging in hetero s*x in high school either). They would've been upset by the activity rather than the gender of the partner.

 

Telling them that I was pregnant with our oldest shortly after DH got accepted to grad school was HARD, and I was 25 and had been married for 3 years at that point. I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would've been to have to have that conversation as an unmarried teen. I'm confident that they would've (grudgingly) supported me through the pregnancy and adoption process and they might've even adopted the baby themselves since they would've been in their 40's with the resources. But they would've been deeply disappointed in me for messing up my future like that.

[J-rap]

We worked hard to raise our children so that they'd feel free to talk about anything.  Part of that was encouraging them to talk, really listening to them, not judging or putting them down, and also sharing things about ourselves with them.  We've had so many terrific conversations over the years as a result!  But I guess we didn't expect them to talk about absolutely everything.  I know there were times, as kids, when they just wanted to plod through something and work it out on their own.   I think my children (all in their 20's now) are all quite private people with high expectations of themselves, and they feel they should be able to work out most problems on their own.   Sometimes, I have a sense that they are struggling through something big and difficult in their lives, and are trying to tackle it alone.  I give them some time, and if they don't share on their own, I might push myself into their lives more to get it out of them, so I can help them.  Whenever I have done that, they have really welcomed it and opened up about everything, and I've been able to help them some tough times I think.  I try and ingrain in them that problems are so much easier when you share the burden!  It is a reminder to me again and again how we need to keep pressing ourselves into their lives, and how sometimes all they need is to know that we are interested, and to keep asking questions.

I wish my parents had done that for me.  They are really great people, but I really needed them to ask more questions.  

 

[myfunnybunch]

I voted yes, I feel that they can talk to me.

 

I voted that all of my kids do talk to me. Ds13 actually said just now he doesn't always talk to me about everything but he knows he can if he needs input or wants to talk. Just yesterday, we were joking that he could start his own little tv show, and I could be featured in a regular segment titled Awkward Conversations with Mom. (His show band would be titled Puberto and the Hormones, which may give an indication of what we were discussing at the time. :D )

 

Do they really talk to me about everything? Who knows. My boys' (and the girls' too, though they're young adults now) personalities range from very open to quite private. I expect I don't hear every thought that runs through their heads, nor do I want to.

 

I could not talk to my parents, and I wished then and wish now that I could, so I tell my kids frequently that I want to hear what they have to say even if they think it will be difficult for me or them. I'd rather practice talking about awkward things and feel awkward than avoid awkwardness and leave any one of our family feeling they have something they need to talk about and can't for fear of judgment or conflict or not being accepted or just plain not knowing how to talk about awkward topics.

 

After reading the op, I asked my boys if they'd tell me if they were gay, and they both said, "Of course." :) Not sure how far that would extend to more specific issues or questions, but I suppose we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

[Farrar]

I wasn't totally sure how to answer. My kids definitely feel like they can share personal things - worries, feelings, friendship stuff, etc. - with us. Sometimes they're a little TMI, honestly. I'm 100% confident that they could share with us if they turn out to be GBLTQA. We're still a little bit in the gender neutral language about future life choices (as in, "Well, when you grow up and get married, she or he..." sorts of comments) though the kids are started to get to the eyeroll stage with it.

 

On the other hand, I feel like I've struggled to push my kids to have different political and cultural opinions than us. Like, dude, you're welcome to disagree and think that song is awesome or that painting is terrible or that movie was boring. Or to have a different opinion about what the US should do about ISIS or whatever. Or to have a different opinion about God or religion. But for whatever reason, that's been really hard for them. I think, as they get older, it'll get easier for them. I think that's a natural part of growing up. But I am sometimes dismayed that they're so hesitant to disagree.

[Amy in NH]

Mine do discuss even what are considered taboo issues with me, but some take more time to get around to bringing up the topic/problem and are very private before they decide to come to me.

[Farrar]

Thinking more, especially about my own youth. This is an interesting topic for me because I think it's incredibly hard for teens. I think you could say it's a problem of "peer orientation" vs. family orientation, but I think it's also just one of the natural problems of growing up - parents find it hard to see their teens as adults, teens find it hard to become adults. It's just hard.

 

As a teen, I always knew I *could* talk to my mom and she'd be okay with it. And we did talk about a lot of things. But I didn't tell her a lot of the things people are mentioning here. The s*x, drugs, rock and roll stuff.

[Joker]

I think so. One dd came out to us and knew we'd be okay with it. It was hard for her but not because she thought we would be upset. Same dd keeps a lot to herself though. I think that's just how she is.

 

Other dd talks about everything. Sometimes it feels like a little too much.

 

I'm another one who felt I could talk to my parents about anything but chose not to. I just didn't feel comfortable doing so.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Joker

[SparklyUnicorn]

Thinking more, especially about my own youth. This is an interesting topic for me because I think it's incredibly hard for teens. I think you could say it's a problem of "peer orientation" vs. family orientation, but I think it's also just one of the natural problems of growing up - parents find it hard to see their teens as adults, teens find it hard to become adults. It's just hard.

 

As a teen, I always knew I *could* talk to my mom and she'd be okay with it. And we did talk about a lot of things. But I didn't tell her a lot of the things people are mentioning here. The s*x, drugs, rock and roll stuff.

 

Yep.  Once my  mother stopped freaking she would usually come around and turn out to be a decent person to talk to.  Problem was she couldn't not freak out.  Now in her shoes I get it.  It is hard to not freak out.  LOL

 

I spend a lot more time with my kids than my parents spent with me.  So it is a bit different.  For one thing it's harder for them to hide stuff from me. 

[Joker]

I also wanted to say they definitely have no issues sharing and disagreeing with us. We talk politics and religion a lot and we don't all agree but both dds still keep talking and sharing.

[SKL]

My kids are 9yo, so this might change as they get older.  But right now, they are able to articulate things better than I have expected them to.  I don't think that's my parenting, but rather how they are wired.

 

When I was a kid, I "could" share with my parents, but after a certain age, I was too shy to talk about most sensitive topics.  So I chose "other."  My parents didn't have a listening problem.

[Farrar]

Yep.  Once my  mother stopped freaking she would usually come around and turn out to be a decent person to talk to.  Problem was she couldn't not freak out.  Now in her shoes I get it.  It is hard to not freak out.  LOL

 

I spend a lot more time with my kids than my parents spent with me.  So it is a bit different.  For one thing it's harder for them to hide stuff from me. 

 

No 16 yo wants to be like, parent, I'm having s*x and smoking pot. It's just hard. (Honestly, I was only doing one of those at 16... I'll let you all guess...)

 

On the other hand, at least for me, my mother's discussions about such topics did have a profound impact on me. It helped me make decent choices. I feel fine about the choices I made.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Farrar