lollie010 Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 A little background: DD is a beautiful and talented 10 yo, with a caring and sensitive personality. She has a strong, muscular build but somehow ended up in a classical ballet studio at 3 years old. Because of that she is very body conscious. Basically none of the other girls look like her. In the general population of 10 year old girls her "size" is not quite as obvious but its still an issue for her. She has talked about how she is picked on, but she has a very confident and mature attitude about it and has asked me not to say anything to parents or teachers. Fast forward to homeschool park day yesterday. One of the girls (11yo) that she dances with and considers to be one of her best friends attends park day and we occasionally carpool for dance and field trips. My dd, the friend and 3 other girls where standing together talking. I was in hearing distance and they were talking at a normal volume. I started listening in during a lull in the conversation that I was having with the moms. I looked over at the girls and at the moment I looked, the friend turned to one of the other girls and said "No. --insert dd's name-- is FAAAT." I made eye contact with the girl and my daughter at the moment she said it. The other girls just stood there speechless. DD looked stunned, backed away a moment and turned her head. I got up to go speak to my daughter and privately said "I think your friend just said something rude to you. Would you like to leave?" She wanted to stay and denied that the friend had said anything rude. So one of two things happened. 1.) DD did not hear the girl, unlikely. 2.) DD is covering for the girl so that the issue just goes away, most likely. 3.) There is a very small chance that I misunderstood. At the time I heard it, I knew that is what was said, but, I've talked myself into thinking there is the tiniest, little bittiest chance that she said something different. This is not completely out of the blue for this friend as we had a questionable incident at the pool over the summer and one when they were shopping for dance stuff. But, I did a benefit of the doubt thing on those, because they were not quite as blatant. I just don't know how to handle this going forward with this friendship. I know there are all types of moms on this board and I could use your thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 IMO, there is nothing you need to do. You've let your daughter know that you are there for her and you gave her the potential for an out (to literally leave). That's enough. She is handling her friendship in the way that she wants to. That is a GOOD thing. Give her space to keep working through it and let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk or decides to make a change. Also, I wouldn't get to riled up or read too much into it. Sometimes kids are jerks to each other. That happens. It doesn't mean they shouldn't ever hang out together. This is part of how they learn to become people. They experience and handle bad behavior, and sometimes they behave badly and learn what it's like to be a jerk and hurt other people. IMO, you should let it go unless your daughter comes to you about it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 Thank you tammyS. That's the kind of thing I need to hear. My instinct is to swoop in and protect her. I could have thrown a punch or two. Lol. I just don't want her to be the girl who thinks its ok for people to treat her poorly. She is an amazing girl! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Are you friendly with the other girl's mom? Can you talk to her about your concerns, taking the approach that, "hey, I'm not sure if anything is going on, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I want to protect the girls' friendship." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Thank you tammyS. That's the kind of thing I need to hear. My instinct is to swoop in and protect her. I could have thrown a punch or two. Lol. I just don't want her to be the girl who thinks its ok for people to treat her poorly. She is an amazing girl! I do think it's appropriate to have conversations with her about how to deal with others bad behavior, how much to put with (I think there is a reasonable amount of eyerolling that one can do before they have to confront someone), how to defend oneself, when to cut people off, how to not judge people based on singular incidents (assuming the incident is not way over the top), and how to make sure that she doesn't allow other people to carry her joy around in their mouths. But I would do it independently of the incident. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 My daughter had the opposite problem. A friend who talked all the time about my daughter being too thin. I found out years later she wanted to even weigh my daughter! I knew snippets of their conversations so I always was able to counsel my daughter. I think it bothered me more than her. I was not sad when the friendship began to fizzle when they were 12-13. Has your daughter seen Misty Copeland? Definitely not the traditional ballerina body shape. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 Are you friendly with the other girl's mom? Can you talk to her about your concerns, taking the approach that, "hey, I'm not sure if anything is going on, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I want to protect the girls' friendship." We are friends and I've considered a conversation about it, but am undecided at this point because of my daughter's wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Gosh, my instinct would be to swoop in too! Your daughter does sound like a beautiful and amazing girl!! I'd be listening closely from now on, because if that continued, I'd surely talk to the mothers, especially the mothers of the homeschooled friend. Like you said, you would not want for her to think this is something she should just take from people, or to have to put up with in order to fit in, and you don't want it to start affecting her body image. I don't really have any advice though. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'd do, besides continuing to not put emphasis on bodies and looks, and being very positive about hers (but not in a way that brings too much attention to it either). I do remember being aware that I was very skinny at that age. I remember one girl looking right at me and saying something like, "So many things are wrong with you! You're skinny, you have hairy arms, and you talk funny!" I also remember a boy telling me once that I had chicken legs. But interestingly, I distinctly remember not being hurt by those comments at all. It was more just odd things that they said, in my child's mind. So, I don't know what that means! Maybe I had enough positive support and healthy friendships, that those comments didn't even matter to me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 My daughter had the opposite problem. A friend who talked all the time about my daughter being too thin. I found out years later she wanted to even weigh my daughter! I knew snippets of their conversations so I always was able to counsel my daughter. I think it bothered me more than her. I was not sad when the friendship began to fizzle when they were 12-13. Has your daughter seen Misty Copeland? Definitely not the traditional ballerina body shape. Yes, I'm hoping that she will naturally learn to gravitate to people who make her feel better about who she is. I haven't heard of misty Copeland. But, will be looking her up right now. Dd is very talented and I'm super proud of her for keeping on pursuing her dreams. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristie in Florida Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Just wanted to offer hugs. My daughter does classical ballet. We've been there. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) This isn't a dance problem, this is a mean girl problem. I've always advised my own DD to stay far away from people like this; they will bring her down and aren't worth her time. So I would advise her not to be friends with the girl and keep her distance outside of dance class, but ultimately leave that decision to her. A little background: DD is a beautiful and talented 10 yo, with a caring and sensitive personality. She has a strong, muscular build but somehow ended up in a classical ballet studio at 3 years old. Because of that she is very body conscious. Basically none of the other girls look like her. In the general population of 10 year old girls her "size" is not quite as obvious but its still an issue for her. She has talked about how she is picked on, but she has a very confident and mature attitude about it and has asked me not to say anything to parents or teachers. Fast forward to homeschool park day yesterday. One of the girls (11yo) that she dances with and considers to be one of her best friends attends park day and we occasionally carpool for dance and field trips. My dd, the friend and 3 other girls where standing together talking. I was in hearing distance and they were talking at a normal volume. I started listening in during a lull in the conversation that I was having with the moms. I looked over at the girls and at the moment I looked, the friend turned to one of the other girls and said "No. --insert dd's name-- is FAAAT." I made eye contact with the girl and my daughter at the moment she said it. The other girls just stood there speechless. DD looked stunned, backed away a moment and turned her head. I got up to go speak to my daughter and privately said "I think your friend just said something rude to you. Would you like to leave?" She wanted to stay and denied that the friend had said anything rude. So one of two things happened. 1.) DD did not hear the girl, unlikely. 2.) DD is covering for the girl so that the issue just goes away, most likely. 3.) There is a very small chance that I misunderstood. At the time I heard it, I knew that is what was said, but, I've talked myself into thinking there is the tiniest, little bittiest chance that she said something different. This is not completely out of the blue for this friend as we had a questionable incident at the pool over the summer and one when they were shopping for dance stuff. But, I did a benefit of the doubt thing on those, because they were not quite as blatant. I just don't know how to handle this going forward with this friendship. I know there are all types of moms on this board and I could use your thoughts. Edited December 12, 2015 by reefgazer 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doodlebug Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Whoa. I think you did well to respond as you did in the park. As for any further action... If my child had a proclivity for passiveness, this would be my bat signal for working on boundaries and assertiveness with DD. I am a passive individual. My son is highly assertive. Both personalities have points at which they tip into unhealthy behaviors. For the assertive child who tips into aggressiveness, it's easy to see and KNOW it requires a parent's direction. Passive individuals need direction too, but because their unhealthy tendency is to deny their own needs, absorb conflict, and everyone seems to be OK, it's a really tricky trait to parent. So, if your daughter is prone to absorbing conflict, that isn't an issue I would let work itself out. I'm not opposed to working with the other mother on this, as her child was aggressive, and I know I would want to know! It just depends on your relationship there. Edited December 12, 2015 by Doodlebug 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 I'm heading out for a little Christmas shopping but will be back this afternoon. Thanks to everyone for sharing your perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 I think you handled it well. I would discourage a lot of hanging out with mean girls. I would see if that attitude is pervasive at the dance studio, though. Ours had girls of all body types, and I never heard a hint that anyone was picked on because of weight or size. But if there's any hint of that from the studio, or if it's not squelched immediately, I'd pull her out asap before she gets an idea that she's not good enough. (My DD is not waif thin but not overweight either. She is crazy strong, though. After ten years of ballet, she switched to martial arts, and all that ballet training gave her very strong muscles, especially in her legs.) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 This is a slightly different answer for you to ponder, and this approach would need several things to work well - a mom who feels comfortable gently confronting other people's kids, a relationship between the mom and the other girl, and the right opportunity. If this is a girl that my dd and I knew well enough and had spent time together with and I felt that I had some sort of relationship with the girl, I would consider speaking directly to the girl the next time I saw her in a calm, factual way, telling her what I thought I overheard and asking if that is what she said. If she says it is, then you can simply say how hurtful that is. If she says it is not, say that you are relieved and are glad you spoke to her. (Even if she lies to cover it, she knows you are aware of her behavior.) IMO, because you overheard this statement and watched the other girls' reactions, you do not have to speak of your dd or her feelings. This can be an exchange about what you heard and your thoughts about it. Also IMO, the well-placed and well-delivered feedback from another caring adult in kids' lives can be priceless. These are young folks, and they are still developing. It is okay to help them with honest feedback delivered in a factual manner. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Jenifer Ringer is another ballet dancer who has dealt with very public shaming about her body. She is a lovely person and has written a book about her experiences. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 If this were a one time incident, I think Tammy's advice is great. I'd just watch and wait and keep dialog with de open. I'd be more concerned about the overall culture of your studio. Are the thinner girls always favored and featured? Is weight up for discussion in class? I've found in our current studio, Some of the less willowy girls seem to gain limb control sooner and have better flexibility. My daughter is actually a more willowy type and it has been to her disadvantage at our studio. If it were an overriding over tone at your studio, I might consider switching. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoJosMom Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 I think you handled the moment beautifully BUT I would start thinking about having an ongoing dialogue with DD about healthy/unhealthy relationships and setting up and enforcing boundaries. :grouphug: from this mom of a gentle-spirited, doesn't-want-to-rock-the-boat DD. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 I like the idea of letting your daughter handle it, but, also you do not want her to be accepting of toxic relationships. Nor, do you want her to be submissive to abuse. I would tell her she needs to tell friend to keep her body habitus opinions to herself or she will lose a friend. The end. In regards to letting your daughter continue in ballet, I would look at both of her parents. If there is not a genetically linked dancer's body out there, consider switching her to a rogue school (competition dance) or recreation dance school like a theater where all body habitus are welcomed. All shapes can jazz and hip hop, for example. Otherwise, you are setting your daughter up for more verbal abuse as time goes on. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 I think if your daughter continues to want to be friends with this girl, a conversation with the mom is warranted. I know you are respecting your DD's wishes but frankly she is 10. I think some swooping in is justified. I have a relatively sensitive 11 yr old boy and I guess that's where I'm coming from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Has your daughter seen Misty Copeland? Definitely not the traditional ballerina body shape. Wow, she is gorgeous! Jenifer Ringer is another ballet dancer who has dealt with very public shaming about her body. She is a lovely person and has written a book about her experiences. ??? That person was shamed about her body? Seriously??? Edited December 12, 2015 by goldberry 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Wow, she is gorgeous! ??? That person was shamed about her body? Seriously??? The quote was "Jenifer Ringer, as the Sugar Plum Fairy, looked as if she'd eaten one sugar plum too many", in the New York Times no less. There's a picture of her playing the role here. There's an interesting review of her book here. (Quote from the review: "Coming out in a dance memoir as an evangelical Christian is nearly as rare as coming out as gay in the NFL.") I've met her briefly in a social context; she seems to be a lovely person. Edited December 12, 2015 by justasque 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 I probably would have interjected, incredulously, "did you just say 'fat'?" Too late for that now. :P Hopefully your showing that you noticed (and cared) made an impression on all of the girls. Girls can be mean and stupid at times, and there's really no way to completely prevent that. It's possible they were just joking or something. Whatever it was, I hope it doesn't grow into anything worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.