Parenting Whoa...Kids who bicker/say hurtful things

[anmom]

I am 5 kids from 5 yo to 10 yo. They have recently been bickering and fighting a lot. Constantly at each other saying mean things, etc. Some of those hurtful words really upset them and they do not get over it easily, yet they still continue to do it to each other. I feel like we have got in this rut and I am having a hard time getting everyone back on track. I want to get to the heart of the issues, but at the same time JUST WANT IT TO STOP! 

 

So, I am (reluctantly) coming here to ask...How do you handle all the bickering, fighting, and name calling among your kids? No bashing please. 

[Amy in NH]

I don't tolerate it. Violent communication is not okay. Bickering requires immediate mediating intervention to get young children to actually listen to each other and respect each other's words and feelings. IMO, this is the time to practice Joanne's get off your butt parenting to develop prosocial communication and relationship skills. I'd have them face each other directly in front of me and take turns actively listening to each other.

 

Calling names is also not allowed. Spending time playing with siblings is a privilege which will be removed if they abuse it.

[mamiof5]

Sorry to hear this! It's so hard when they bicker. We usually explain to them what is appropriate in our house and what's not. Also talk to them a lot about the golden rule (treat others as you want to be treated)...ask them a lot of..what if he/she said that to you? What if a friend treated you that way? How would YOU like it? Usually when things get out of control for us is because the kids are tired/more irritable...so if they keep it up we try to have them go to bed earlier. We have also separated them (to different rooms and such) and assigned extra chores or something not as fun to do...the reasoning behind it? If they can't have fun and respect each other, and if they have so much time in their hands to waste it not being nice to each other, then I'll give them something to keep them busy. I also remind them of the importance of peace and harmony in our home. We don't take every single approach all the time, just mentioned some of the things that came to mind.

ETA: we have also taken time away with friends if they can't be nice and respectful to their own siblings. If you can't be nice to your sibling why do you get the privilege to spend time with friends?

[anmom]

Sorry to hear this! It's so hard when they bicker. We usually explain to them what is appropriate in our house and what's not. Also talk to them a lot about the golden rule (treat others as you want to be treated)...ask them a lot of..what if he/she said that to you? What if a friend treated you that way? How would YOU like it? Usually when things get out of control for us is because the kids are tired/more irritable...so if they keep it up we try to have them go to bed earlier. We have also separated them (to different rooms and such) and assigned extra chores or something not as fun to do...the reasoning behind it? If they can't have fun and respect each other, and if they have so much time in their hands to waste it not being nice to each other, then I'll give them something to keep them busy. I also remind them of the importance of peace and harmony in our home. We don't take every single approach all the time, just mentioned some of the things that came to mind.

ETA: we have also taken time away with friends if they can't be nice and respectful to their own siblings. If you can't be nice to your sibling why do you get the privilege to spend time with friends?

 

 

Thank you for this. This is all the things we are doing. We have had a lot going on recently, and I do think some down time is in order for everyone to regroup and refresh. This was a good reminder of that. 

[anmom]

I don't tolerate it. Violent communication is not okay. Bickering requires immediate mediating intervention to get young children to actually listen to each other and respect each other's words and feelings. IMO, this is the time to practice Joanne's get off your butt parenting to develop prosocial communication and relationship skills. I'd have them face each other directly in front of me and take turns actively listening to each other.

 

Calling names is also not allowed. Spending time playing with siblings is a privilege which will be removed if they abuse it.

 

 

Im not really sure who Joanne is, maybe you can give me some insight. However, I just want to point out that I am not in any way sitting on my butt not doing anything, if that is what you were implying. I dont "tolerate" this behavior either, hence why I came here for advice.

[bolt.]

I work with individual kids to develop the skills of communication with less aggression. I use age-appropriate teaching methods with cheerfulness, games, puppets, role plays, key words, stories and cookies. I constantly communicate that 'kids often struggle with this, and this is how parents help them do better' -- with the impression that it's fine to be still learning this. No blame. No anger. No punishment. Lots of 'do-overs'.

 

No focus on other kids other than the one I'm addressing, saying things like, "Yes, of course I will teach her/him also, but right now I'm teaching you. It's ok for everybody to be a learner and make mistakes."

[Miss Tick]

That is tough because there is not always a clear line between acceptable comments and unacceptable. When I am on the ball I will immediately say (neutral tone) "wow, that is not a nice thing to say. Please find a way to say that nicely." Then I really do wait to hear them rephrase it. Maybe come up with a catch phrase like "We don't speak to rack other that way in our family." that you can replay over and over to help them notice what they are saying. At appropriate moments I will also point out that other people will mimic your behaviors, so that if you speak rudely or angrily they are likely to speak back that way, younger kids need extra patience and grace, etc.

 

Maybe start your efforts with a group announcement (or discussion depending on your state of mind) about what behaviors are not nice/acceptable and that you-collectively are going to work on changing it. That puts everyone on notice.

[bolt.]

In this case "get off your but" is a joking title for a variety of excellent techniques that literally involve body movement.

 

For example, with this issue, it might mean physically placing your body between the people who are arguing, so they can't see each other well. It makes it difficult to continue the fight, and makes you the centre of attention.

[HomeAgain]

This behavior is why my siblings and I don't talk to each other.  Growing up with constant salt in the wound makes for poor relationships as adults.

 

I give parents of 2nd children the book Siblings Without Rivalry for a new baby gift.  It's by the authors of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen (and Listen So Kids Will Talk), and I find the common sense approach to be very welcome.  In our house, we work a lot on communication and appreciating actions without labeling the child.  "You are so generous" is different than "that was a generous thing to do.  I can see how much you struggled with keeping it for yourself."  The Generous Child will often hide their selfishness and wait until a parent isn't looking.  The Child Who Acted Generously can afford to grow and make mistakes without feeling like they lose status or love.

 

And yeah, we tomato stake here.  When a child is having issues I'm right there 24/7.  They aren't left alone but are corrected immediately.  Love isn't withheld - there are still outings and one on one time with parents, but they know they are always watched until trust in that area is earned.

[J-rap]

I don't tolerate it. Violent communication is not okay. Bickering requires immediate mediating intervention to get young children to actually listen to each other and respect each other's words and feelings. ...I'd have them face each other directly in front of me and take turns actively listening to each other.

 

Calling names is also not allowed. Spending time playing with siblings is a privilege which will be removed if they abuse it.

 

Yes, this.  It is never tolerated, ever.  That means never letting your guard down as a parent, but it is sooo worth it as they get to be older and are each other's best friends and confidants.

 

It doesn't mean just telling them to stop.  We would take the children involved (my husband or I), and sit down with them on the couch.  We would discuss the problem, and help them think of nice, respectful ways to talk about it with each other.  We would do it cheerfully and peacefully.  We would talk through different possible solutions.  And ask each of them in turn, "Does this sound like a good solution to you?"  (And if it doesn't, they will need to come up with other ideas.)

 

Eventually, we wouldn't need to be on the couch with them anymore.  We would just send them to the couch :)  (within earshot of us), and tell them to talk it through peacefully and work out a solution themselves.  Once they did, they could leave the couch.

 

Of course, sometimes they would just work out any ol' solution just to get off the couch, and it didn't always mean their heart was in it, but it did get them in the habit of talking with each other and not yelling, thinking about the problem more, and at least attempting to work out a peaceful solution together.  And like I said, they always knew we were within earshot.  ;)

 

[TammyS]

Generally speaking, I'm not into mediating disputes between kids (assuming they aren't beating the tar out of each other).  I simply tell the kids they need to "mind their mouths", because we don't speak to anyone in an ugly fashion, period.  I also believe that there is nothing like having to do a horrible job together to bond two people (big digging project, mucking large piles of animal manure, moving stacks of bricks, whatever is hard and needs to be done).

[lllll]

nm

[purplejackmama]

We make them hold hands for the rest of the day. Sit beside one another and have even stuck two of them in one of dad's shirts.

 

Cruel and unusual punishment but it nips things in the bud pretty quickly.

 

Good luck. Parenting. Sigh. This job is not for the faint of heart. I was much better at it before I actually had kids ;)

[purplejackmama]

AVK, I agree completely. For us we discovered it was the Disney channel and their hideous shows fueling the bickering fire in our home.

[lllll]

nm

[Butter]

I don't allow it, but I also don't mediate.  I also don't allow tattling.  At all.  It took about twice for each kid, when they tattled, to be the one to get in trouble for the tattling to stop completely.  Most of the hurtful things and what not were reported to me in tattles.

[mamiof5]

Thank you for this. This is all the things we are doing. We have had a lot going on recently, and I do think some down time is in order for everyone to regroup and refresh. This was a good reminder of that.

Yes, in our case tiredness brings "waves of bickering" (I think of it that way, since it has kind of become predictable through the years). Transitions from summer to non summer schedule (and viceversa), sadly Christmas time (we are so busy! Fitting too much in that short month), are usually red flags for us...since these seasons bring hectic schedules, kids get tired, irritable... and bicker against each other. A vicious cycle. I have gotten better at pointing at them the time of the year, busyness etc...not to make it OK, they still know they can't do it, but being aware that maybe they are just tired helps them address the situation differently. We also pray...a lot! For God's guidance, for His help in making good choices and treating each other kindly etc. I know not everyone believes in Him, just jotting down what works for us :)

[HomeAgain]

I was reminded of something that works well for the 7-11yo crowd: the grace rule of either, neither, both.

 

Set both children to cool off on the same couch.  They may get up when the other child gives them permission to.  But there is a caveat - both must give permission in order for either child to receive it.  One child cannot say yes and be left there while the other runs to play.  It doesn't work like that.  Johnny can say yes, but Suzy may not move until she gives Johnny permission, too. Only when both have cooled off enough to be able to yield to the other will they both be allowed to resume activities again.

[Anne in CA]

I am glad people mentioned media. I discovered that for my children the Garfield books were causing unkindness and hatered of Mondays. It sounds dumb, but it was very beneficial to me to keep the Garfield books put up. I suspect that there is media influence in a place you might not think is the trouble.

[mamiof5]

I am glad people mentioned media. I discovered that for my children the Garfield books were causing unkindness and hatered of Mondays. It sounds dumb, but it was very beneficial to me to keep the Garfield books put up. I suspect that there is media influence in a place you might not think is the trouble.

Sadly there's bad influence in media all over!! We love to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy...but I am getting tired of the inappropriate commercials :(

[Farrar]

That is tough because there is not always a clear line between acceptable comments and unacceptable. 

 

That's our issue here too. It's all very well and good to say you don't tolerate it, but, at least around here, the vast majority of the bickering doesn't cross some clear line. It starts as the kids joking or giggling or playing slightly rough. And then someone says something that the other one doesn't like - a mild jibe, a repeated joke that isn't even a jibe but just something silly over and over and the other one says stop and the first one doesn't listen because everyone's been so jovial up to that point, and suddenly it goes from giggles to shut ups to yelling.

 

Or one kid asks for something reasonable, the other kid responds something reasonable. Like, can you pick up your mess in my room or do you have my book or it's your turn to take out the trash. But somehow that turns into a bicker. It's all in the tone and the response. Instead of making a polite request it's all accusations. Instead of saying, I'm going to finish this level or project or page and then take care of that, it becomes all accusatory back, even though he's saying he'll do it. Sigh.

 

I don't like to get in the middle of it either, but the number one thing I've been trying to do is help the kids work on their listening and their self-advocacy. When someone says stop or no, that always means stop or no, no matter what came before. When you say stop or no, don't say it laughing and continuing to be silly, say it like you mean it. And if you don't mean it, don't say it. If you need to ask for something, just kindly ask. Don't be nasty. If your brother asks for something reasonable, respond the way you'd like to be spoken to.

[Guest]

It was "Sanford and Son" for my ds. Dh would play it while we ate supper. :glare: I think that was the first time I truly realized just how much kids can pick up from TV/movies, etc.

The newer iteration of My Little Pony and the movie The Boxtrolls were the culprits here. My kids all the sudden started being really whiny and ugly to one another, and my four year old decided calling people idiots was okay.

 

Yeah, no.

 

I intervene whenever I hear it or someone tells me, but I do make sure in the latter case that they've already asked their sibling to speak more kindly so we don't just get tattling. But I simply don't tolerate it and it involves actively modeling proper communication and walking them through it. Repeatedly. We aren't past this stage yet, I've heard it is a long one. But I know the efforts to reinforce respectful, kind speaking are worth it. And honestly I fail at it sometimes, too (shouting at everyone to shut up from across the house is a big parenting fail - whoops. :o ). In the cases where mommy has been the culprit and I'm speaking rudely or short to the children, I model asking their forgiveness, walking them through how my words made them feel, and brainstorming nicer ways I could have communicated. They learn a whole lot from that and it doesn't make anyone defensive because *I* am the one being corrected. They can sometimes see solutions much more easily when it's me and not them, so I suppose me being the rude one has that as an upside. But reinforcing with them that whether it is one another or an adult, unkind communication is never, ever okay, and doing it over and over again as needed, is all we have found for it.

 

It gets better for a time and them we slide back, but that's life. By never letting it be 'okay' I hope I am instilling in them lifelong lessons on how to treat others with love and respect, and how to fix it when we fail.

[nd293]

What did work, over time was to focus on "THINK before you speak" (Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind). I printed out a poster. I saved it on my phone. Every time dd said something unkind to little brother I went through it again: "THINK before you speak: Yes, the mean thing you said was True and may even have been Necessary. But was it Helpful? Inspiring? Kind?). I would point to the poster or hand her my phone as a reminder sometimes. It did work. It's not fast, but it builds awareness and provides a self-check skill.

 

http://m.teachjunkie.com/jw3pvhh/articles/63652/Think-Before-You-Speak-Printable-Posters

[6packofun]

I've found that the bickering ebbs and flows and usually relates to spending a LOT of time together, but not being able to do things independently, being focused on individually by a parent, not getting out of the house enough, or just being sick and tired of one another.  I love my dh tons, but sometimes I get sick of him, ya know?

 

This happens to siblings, too.  So, if "not tolerating it" or just telling them to cut it out ISN'T solving the issue, I'd trying getting out and doing something relaxing and low-stress together.  Ask them each privately what's going on because you notice a lot of tension and you want to help. They may not realize that they are frustrated about something specific!

 

Everything is not always about kids being BAD and/or you being a lousy parent.  If we adult humans have reasons for acting up, so do they, and they are still figuring out self-control.  Help them figure that out, SHOW them that what they need is a little time, space, whatever to DEAL with it AS you focus on the wrong behavior. Then maybe next time they will remove *themselves* from a situation that is making them cranky if need be or at least behave until they can.

 

One last thing: we have always liked "the do-over" at our house.  "Try that again" in regards to behavior or words spoken can be really helpful in getting them to think about what they are doing, even if it's after the fact.  

[LMD]

I start singing a 'bicker' song that is terrible, from some old christian show. They scream and laugh and beg me to stop. I say that if they bicker, I sing.

But I agree, it is exhausting dealing with constant bickering, I have a couple of particularly hard-headed, must-be-rights.

[abba12]

The newer iteration of My Little Pony and the movie The Boxtrolls were the culprits here. My kids all the sudden started being really whiny and ugly to one another, and my four year old decided calling people idiots was okay.

 

Oh noooo, don't tell me that, my kids adore My Little Pony. Aren't they all supposed to be about friendship and love and stuff?

[mamiof5]

Oh noooo, don't tell me that, my kids adore My Little Pony. Aren't they all supposed to be about friendship and love and stuff?

I have been unpleasantly chocked by some my little pony episodes. Some characters just being super mean, and I can't remember what else.

[abba12]

I have been unpleasantly chocked by some my little pony episodes. Some characters just being super mean, and I can't remember what else.

 

Sigh. I assumed my little pony was fairly safe viewing, my sister watched the old series as a kid, and I'll admit to putting it on and leaving the room when I just needed some mummy quiet time. I'm not sure of the content of that particular show. I usually watch shows with them, but I trusted that one was fairly harmless and didn't. 

 

I just want a show I can put on to get 15 minutes of child-free quiet time without some sort of bad influence!

[mamiof5]

Sigh. I assumed my little pony was fairly safe viewing, my sister watched the old series as a kid, and I'll admit to putting it on and leaving the room when I just needed some mummy quiet time. I'm not sure of the content of that particular show. I usually watch shows with them, but I trusted that one was fairly harmless and didn't.

 

I just want a show I can put on to get 15 minutes of child-free quiet time without some sort of bad influence!

Totally agree! I made that mistake too, until I happened to walk by a couple times and didn't like something I saw. Also one of my kids' friend was here too a few times and would watch it with my kids,both her mom and I assumed it was fine, but her dd told her some stuff and she wasn't too impressed either. I wish I could give you more detail as far as what was a red flag for us, but it has been a while and I can't remember for sure :(

[AndyJoy]

Sigh. I assumed my little pony was fairly safe viewing, my sister watched the old series as a kid, and I'll admit to putting it on and leaving the room when I just needed some mummy quiet time. I'm not sure of the content of that particular show. I usually watch shows with them, but I trusted that one was fairly harmless and didn't.

 

I just want a show I can put on to get 15 minutes of child-free quiet time without some sort of bad influence!

My 6-year-old son is really into MLP right now and it definitely has bickering, meanness, etc. before the lesson is wrapped up. So far he's pointing out their bad attitudes/behavior and commenting on it to me, not emulating. This is really our first foray into this kind of storyline conflict and he's taking away the right things from it. So maybe you don't have to scratch it off your list just yet depending on how your kids respond.

 

I don't know what ages yours are but Daniel Tiger & Paw Patrol are two "safe" shows in our family.

[Farrar]

My kids don't typically emulate TV like that. However, the other day, they did try some weird roughhousing game they saw on an old Malcolm in the Middle. I overheard the start and was like, um... I wonder if this can possibly end well. Thirty seconds in, ds cried foul and then they both seemed sort of appalled at themselves. "Why are we doing this?" ds exclaimed. "This is a terrible game!" Whew. It *did* end well!