Could this also be normal? (Feelings about sending child off to college.)

[Ginevra]

I've been debating about crafting this post. I hope I don't eat my words later, because DD has only been away at college for two weeks. Having said that, I am feeling like an anomoly. By happenstance, I have a lot of friends who are sending children off to college this year, many of them for the first time. At my recent night of Bunco, this was *the* topic of conversation, since several of us are in this life phase now. There was so much talk about tears, sadness, not wanting to walk past DC's bedrooms, and so on. There was high-fives, but also commiseration all around.

 

Can I say - I'm not sad DD is off to college. Yes, I miss having her here; we are buddies; who will help me pick out a great-looking fall wardrobe? Sure, my eyes were a bit glassy at Convocation, and seeing my youngest shed tears while hugging her really pulled my momma heartstrings. Still, overall? I am thrilled at the opportunity she has, an opportunity that I did not have. I am proud of her and excited to see who she is becoming. I am optimistic for her future and feel like this is the culmination of so much that I have worked towards for so long.

 

Now - I hope I don't eat my words when we hit a longer stretch of her absence; we saw her last weekend and so it hasn't been more than a week yet without her around. I also realize there are things that could make this a bigger emotional challenge - if she were very far away, if I wasn't confident about her self-management skills, if she were my last nestling to fly. So I am not saying it is invalid to be balling one's eyes out or crying every time one passes the empty room. But is it also valid, is it also a perfectly common response to be not particularly sad?

[Hoggirl]

But is it also valid, is it also a perfectly common response to be not particularly sad?

Absolutely! I was not particularly sad either. I did get weepy on the plane ride out (ds and dh drove and then I flew out for move-in) because there was a cute, one-year-old, brown-eyed-boy sitting across the aisle from me. Got a little choked up at the actual good-bye, but that was really about it. I do miss ds occasionally, but he has thrived and done incredibly well academically and socially. And he is far (1,800+ miles) away. Mostly, I miss knowing about the day-in and day-out routine of his life. I miss knowing his friends and their families.

 

However, I have friends who seemed to have gone through a true grieving process. I try not to be judge-y as we are all different and have different types of relationships with our children. But, I think there is a point where excessive sadness or long-lasting sadness is a sign of selfishness on the part of the parent. They have focused on their sadness/loss rather than their child's happiness/gain. Our goal should be to raise well-adjusted, independent, functioning adults. Some people just have a hard time letting go of their role of being a parent to a child and transitioning to being the parent of an adult. These parents need to be needed. I do think older chidlren still need more than just financial support from their parents, but it is different. The college years are an in-between time period between childhood and adulthood and they are a bit tricky to navigate. I will also say that those I have known who have struggled mightily with a child or children going off to college have been extremely child-focused and not marriage-focused (for those who are married) in their families. Just an observation. I think being overly clingy and sad and sharing TMI about how you are feeling WITH your child can be damaging to the relationship. Guilt is not a very fun feeling. Sharing the sadness with your peers is far preferable.

 

Dh and I have enjoyed the empty nest quite a bit. Grocery bills are lower, house is tidier, and things are much more predictable. I, personally, like that.

 

Sorry - got to rambling. All that to say, that I don't think you should feel bad because you are not particulary sad! There are many normals.

[EKS]

My son started college this August, but he moved out to do a gap year program a year ago, so this is our second year of having him away.

 

I'm with you.  I love that he is moving forward in is life and doing things that he loves with people that he connects with.  I love hearing about what he is doing.  I'm not sad at all--though it was a little hairy last year when he ended up in the emergency room with a mystery illness that looked startlingly like meningitis and I could do nothing to help him--but other than that it's been a smooth ride.

 

Of course, I still have one at home.  When he moves out, I might have a different reaction.

[G5052]

Now - I hope I don't eat my words when we hit a longer stretch of her absence; we saw her last weekend and so it hasn't been more than a week yet without her around. I also realize there are things that could make this a bigger emotional challenge - if she were very far away, if I wasn't confident about her self-management skills, if she were my last nestling to fly. So I am not saying it is invalid to be balling one's eyes out or crying every time one passes the empty room. But is it also valid, is it also a perfectly common response to be not particularly sad?

 

I think that sending a kid to college brings about some level of grief, and like any type of grief, it will be different for everyone.

 

A friend of mine whose son is day's drive away said she has a similar response to yours. It's occasionally a little sad for her, but rarely and not unbearable at all. He's happy at college, and she's busy caring for an elderly relative and volunteering. It's a chapter in life that she's accepted. She's looking forward to seeing him in a month, but is overall fine with the change.

 

Mine is local, and the first week felt odd without him around during the whole day, and I was a little misty-eyed at times. His sibling had the same experience. But we're busy now and in a grove. It's good!

[regentrude]

However, I have friends who seemed to have gone through a true grieving process. I try not to be judge-y as we are all different and have different types of relationships with our children. But, I think there is a point where excessive sadness or long-lasting sadness is a sign of selfishness on the part of the parent. They have focused on their sadness/loss rather than their child's happiness/gain. Our goal should be to raise well-adjusted, independent, functioning adults. Some people just have a hard time letting go of their role of being a parent to a child and transitioning to being the parent of an adult. These parents need to be needed. I do think older chidlren still need more than just financial support from their parents, but it is different. The college years are an in-between time period between childhood and adulthood and they are a bit tricky to navigate. I will also say that those I have known who have struggled mightily with a child or children going off to college have been extremely child-focused and not marriage-focused (for those who are married) in their families. Just an observation.

 

I think that's quite harsh.

 

There are many reasons a parent can be sad about the child's departure - needing to be needed is not the only one.

The parent may share a deep companionship with the adult child and have a relationship that is more one of peers (ETA: Homeschooling the young adult through high school can create a very close relationship. Having the child in school and gone all day during the high school years creates a very different dynamic.)

The parent's sadness may be compounded by worries about a child who is struggling with the transition and not happy away at college.

Or the parent may be suffering from depression and the prolonged sadness is a sign that the child's departure triggered another flare-up of clinical depression.

Or all of the above together.

 

Calling this selfish is rather unkind.

 

 

 

[elegantlion]

Ds has not gone off to school. I miss homeschooling and being involved in his academics, but I am not saddened. If he transfers, I may feel the grief more, mainly because he is a fun person to hang out with.

 

I think being a college student myself helps some of that "oh they're growing up so fast" thought. My dog is my loyal companion I hope to keep close for all the days of her life. My goal is raising my child was to help him become a competent adult that will go and create his own world. This is a part of that process. We've had some much bad stuff happening in the last few years, I can't do anything but see this as good. 

[Guest]

I think that's quite harsh.

 

There are many reasons a parent can be sad about the child's departure - needing to be needed is not the only one.

The parent may share a deep companionship with the adult child and have a relationship that is more one of peers (ETA: Homeschooling the young adult through high school can create a very close relationship. Having the child in school and gone all day during the high school years creates a very different dynamic.)

The parent's sadness may be compounded by worries about a child who is struggling with the transition and not happy away at college.

Or the parent may be suffering from depression and the prolonged sadness is a sign that the child's departure triggered another flare-up of clinical depression.

Or all of the above together.

 

Calling this selfish is rather unkind.

I do think there are a lot of reasons a parent may have a hard time, but I also have seen some that I thought was as Hoggirl said. I have seen a few where the mother was so enmeshed in her child that having them go live a life independantly was like being fired from a career.

[regentrude]

I do think there are a lot of reasons a parent may have a hard time, but I also have seen some that I thought was as Hoggirl said. I have seen a few where the mother was so enmeshed in her child that having them go live a life independantly was like being fired from a career.

 

If the mother homeschooled, it is exactly like being fired from a career because the job became obsolete - or like being retired.

 

One can be happy for the child and glad the child is moving on independently  and at the same time struggle with the deep void that has been left behind because the previous full time occupation no longer exists.

The best advice I received on these boards was from Nan: to have a plan in place for something to fill that void and get started on it before the child leaves.

 

Many people struggle with the transition to retirement - even though they should be happy about all the wonderful things they could do with that new stage in their lives. I don't see how being retired from homeschooling - or semi-retired from parenting - should be expected to be any different.

 

Just to be clear: I am very happy you rejoice in your DD being off to college and have no difficulties adjusting.

[FaithManor]

Nan is very wise!

[Artichoke]

I've been debating about crafting this post. I hope I don't eat my words later, because DD has only been away at college for two weeks. Having said that, I am feeling like an anomoly. By happenstance, I have a lot of friends who are sending children off to college this year, many of them for the first time. At my recent night of Bunco, this was *the* topic of conversation, since several of us are in this life phase now. There was so much talk about tears, sadness, not wanting to walk past DC's bedrooms, and so on. There was high-fives, but also commiseration all around.

 

Can I say - I'm not sad DD is off to college. Yes, I miss having her here; we are buddies; who will help me pick out a great-looking fall wardrobe? Sure, my eyes were a bit glassy at Convocation, and seeing my youngest shed tears while hugging her really pulled my momma heartstrings. Still, overall? I am thrilled at the opportunity she has, an opportunity that I did not have. I am proud of her and excited to see who she is becoming. I am optimistic for her future and feel like this is the culmination of so much that I have worked towards for so long.

 

Now - I hope I don't eat my words when we hit a longer stretch of her absence; we saw her last weekend and so it hasn't been more than a week yet without her around. I also realize there are things that could make this a bigger emotional challenge - if she were very far away, if I wasn't confident about her self-management skills, if she were my last nestling to fly. So I am not saying it is invalid to be balling one's eyes out or crying every time one passes the empty room. But is it also valid, is it also a perfectly common response to be not particularly sad?

 

I can relate.  We were so thrilled for ds to be going to his school of choice with everything paid for by merit aid.  It was hard work for him and us to make that happen.  When we finally dropped him off at the dorms, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of us.  i actually felt guilty that I didn't cry all of the way home. LOL

[Teachin'Mine]

My dd is in her fifth year of full-time college as she was in DE during high school.  The transition to her commuting to college was very different than the transition to her living on campus hundreds of miles away.  The first semester, until her first visit home, seemed very long and I definitely missed dd as she did us.  But the second semester was much better as is this year.  We all deal with it differently and I think that distance, time intervals away, the relationship, personalities, involvement in other activities, and whether there are other children still at home all play a factor in our personal experiences. I think we're also influenced by how well our children adjust on their end.  Because of that I think I felt more of an emptiness than sadness.

 

I think that Nan's suggestion is a good one.  I wish I had done that and should have started early during the high school years, but by senior year, my role as guidance counselor was very time consuming.  It's okay not to feel any sadness and it's okay to feel sad, but know that either feeling can change as circumstances change.  And for those struggling, the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas flies and the spring semester is much easier than the fall.  

[Hoggirl]

I think that's quite harsh.

 

Calling this selfish is rather unkind.

Yeah, I'm okay with that. I have never been known for softness or kindness - ha ha!

 

Wish I was smart enough to double quote, but as to your other point, Reg: Ds "fired" me from homeschooling as he did not want to stay home for high school. I hadn't become obsolete because the natural end (high school graduation) had occurred. That *was* tough - it's not like I was doing a bad job! But, I am not nearly as smart/educated as some of the folks on here. No way could I have gotten ds to the point where he ultimately arrived. It would have been selfish of *me* to have kept him home. But, honestly, for me, the difficulty was more about being cut off from the homeschool community rather than having ds being away at a B&M school each day. It was a loss of identity in a way. I am not saying there isn't a time of adjustment. My point was to a protracted period of time.

 

Please don't misunderstand - I do like (LOVE!) my ds, and I very much enjoy having him around. I am just not one of those moms who has struggled a lot. I do feel bad for those who do - I just don't get it. If your child was miserable, struggling, flunking, homesick, lonely, etc. then I could understand it better.

[creekland]

There are many, many types of normal, and yes, yours is one of them.

 

I know for me, I am both happy watching them fly and sad at what's past in my life at the same time.  It's hardly like I can't go on, but there's a definite wistfulness while celebrating all their success.

 

I love less laundry, less cooking, a more free schedule, and more inexpensive trips.

 

I dislike finding great gems for food or travel/experiences/sights that I know they'd have loved right alongside of us.  And I didn't mind when more hands shared chores either.  ;)

 

For each stage of life there are pros and cons.

[Matryoshka]

If the mother homeschooled, it is exactly like being fired from a career because the job became obsolete - or like being retired.

 

I totally feel like I've been fired, and my kids are all still home!  Two are at the high school, and one is technically homeschooling, but all DE with one online class.  The Guidance Counselor hat isn't making it better - it's just stressing me out! :willy_nilly: And the other job I've been drafted to do - taxi service - is completely unfulfilling.  Kid at the CC better get her license by spring term or she's walking... :driving:

 

It's probably good I'm getting time to figure out what I want to do next with my life before they actually fly the coop... 

 

I love less laundry, less cooking, a more free schedule, and more inexpensive trips.

 

Okay, this part I may be secretly looking forward to...

[Laura Corin]

I wasn't particularly sad either.  I was concerned at various points when things seemed to be going less well, but I was just glad that he had made it to university.  

 

I've been putting more time into myself since he went - more exercise mostly - and that has helped to make it a good moment in my life.  I think it helps him that I miss him but not too much.

 

ETA: I had already stopped home educating a few years previously and had started a part time job, then another job with more hours, so I had moved into a new career already.

[Pawz4me]

I wasn't particularly sad when we left DS at college.  I felt some trepidation about what our new normal would be.  I was happy for him.  And more than a little bit envious.

 

But he was only a little over an hour away.  I knew we'd be seeing him frequently, and that we could get to him quickly if needed.  I'm guessing it would have been a lot harder had he been going to a school far away.

 

I think my SIL was a bit over the top when her daughter started college.  She was a whopping 45 minutes away from home and planned all along to be home every weekend.  But SIL said it felt like a death.  She's certainly entitled to her feelings, and I sympathized with her.  But I couldn't relate.

 

Now if youngest chooses to go away (as opposed to commuting, which he's considering at this point) then I may have a much harder time.  That would make us empty nesters, and youngest is much easier to live with than his older brother.  He's quiet and easy going, whereas oldest is much more high maintenance.  Oldest is also by far the most extroverted member of our family, and he can wear out my introverted self.

 

Oldest went to public high school, and youngest is in an early college program.  So my adjustment to no longer homeschooling was separate from the adjustment to DS going off to college.  But I didn't have any trouble closing the chapter on homeschooling, either.  By far the strongest emotion I felt then was relief.

[City Mouse]

I am another mom who was not grief stricken when my DD went away to college. I felt that that was my job as a parent- to help her grow to a point where she could be independent away from home. Maybe I will feel differently when my other child goes to college in 5 yrs, but I don't know about that. I am already planning for my DH and I to take our first vacation without kids since DD was born. I am planning to hit Disney World in the fall of my DS's freshman year. I am also planning that I will quit my current job and find a job where my vacation time is not tied to a public school calendar.

I do think having plans and goals that don't envolve the children is important.

[Guest]

Oldest went to public high school, and youngest is in an early college program. So my adjustment to no longer homeschooling was separate from the adjustment to DS going off to college. But I didn't have any trouble closing the chapter on homeschooling, either. By far the strongest emotion I felt then was relief.

Yes, I would see a greater probability for sadness when the end of homeschooling is the child leaving for college. However, the friends emphasizing saddness are not hsers. I am the only hser in my bunco group of friends. So it's not even that with the ladies I am thinking of in particular.

 

And I can relate to your last sentence, because I have felt great relief as I have sent the older two kids to high school!

[klmama]

Don't forget about hormones.  Some moms old enough to have kids heading off to college are also old enough to have hormonal changes that make them cry more easily, even at things that previously would only have been a cause for celebration. 

 

 

[Sunshine State Sue]

While I shed a few tears when we dropped ds off last year (2000 miles away), I mostly felt very excited about the opportunities waiting for him, very grateful for what I expected to be a terrific match school, and very relieved at the (much less than expected) cost. I also think that it was easier for me because he is an introverted male and an only child and I work 30hrs/wk.  My life is easier now because I have less to juggle.

 

I only know 1 person (full-time mom with 3 kids in private school K-12) who had a really difficult time sending her children off to college.  I suspect it had to do with regrets of time flown by.  Because I homeschooled K-12, ds was always home with me.  I never had the experience of sending him away to kindergarten even.  By the time college rolled around, we were both ready to be apart imo.

 

Finally, that's not to say that I haven't floundered in the last year.  I've had more time, I've tried (and given up on) several new pursuits.  I don't feel passionate about anything like I felt about parenting and homeschooling.  I don't particularly look forward to the future.  I *think* this is a normal phase.  I'm just kind of waiting it out.  One of my goals has been to develop a more active social life, with or without my introverted dh.  I'm making progress, slowly, in that department.   :thumbup1: It brings me joy.

[texasmama]

You get to feel however you feel, and it is "right" for you.  I am a big "feeler" with a sensitive soul, and I cry at the end of Charlotte's Web every single time I read it aloud.  (I mean bawl and have to stop reading, not just get damp around the eyes.)  Other people are not as much that way.  I was a wreck for months when dd went to college, but I am just kind of prone to being wrecked about stuff.  

 

To quote the old popular book, I'm okay, You're okay.   :D

 

ETA:  College girl was never homeschooled.

[Pawz4me]

Don't forget about hormones.  Some moms old enough to have kids heading off to college are also old enough to have hormonal changes that make them cry more easily, even at things that previously would only have been a cause for celebration. 

 

LOL -- I'm thinking that can work the other way, too.  Some of us may be so hormonal we're relatively happy about anything that makes our world a little less complicated. :laugh:

[The Girls' Mom]

I've been debating about crafting this post. I hope I don't eat my words later, because DD has only been away at college for two weeks. Having said that, I am feeling like an anomoly. By happenstance, I have a lot of friends who are sending children off to college this year, many of them for the first time. At my recent night of Bunco, this was *the* topic of conversation, since several of us are in this life phase now. There was so much talk about tears, sadness, not wanting to walk past DC's bedrooms, and so on. There was high-fives, but also commiseration all around.

 

Can I say - I'm not sad DD is off to college. Yes, I miss having her here; we are buddies; who will help me pick out a great-looking fall wardrobe? Sure, my eyes were a bit glassy at Convocation, and seeing my youngest shed tears while hugging her really pulled my momma heartstrings. Still, overall? I am thrilled at the opportunity she has, an opportunity that I did not have. I am proud of her and excited to see who she is becoming. I am optimistic for her future and feel like this is the culmination of so much that I have worked towards for so long.

 

Now - I hope I don't eat my words when we hit a longer stretch of her absence; we saw her last weekend and so it hasn't been more than a week yet without her around. I also realize there are things that could make this a bigger emotional challenge - if she were very far away, if I wasn't confident about her self-management skills, if she were my last nestling to fly. So I am not saying it is invalid to be balling one's eyes out or crying every time one passes the empty room. But is it also valid, is it also a perfectly common response to be not particularly sad?

 

I haven't sent one away yet, but I don't think I'll be particularly weepy either.  Mostly because I'm not particularly sad about my kids growing up.  In fact, I'm rather looking forward to the next stage of life with them.  

 

 

[The Girls' Mom]

LOL -- I'm thinking that can work the other way, too.  Some of us may be so hormonal we're relatively happy about anything that makes our world a little less complicated. :laugh:

 

 

 Oh gosh.  This!  (I just went back and read some responses)

 

This is one thing that has me practically doing the happy dance the closer my younger two get to graduation.  Our life is so stinking HECTIC.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that this is going to slow down soon.  

[Guest]

Don't forget about hormones. Some moms old enough to have kids heading off to college are also old enough to have hormonal changes that make them cry more easily, even at things that previously would only have been a cause for celebration.

Yeah, hormones can call all bets off; true.

[xixstar]

I don't see myself being one to be sad over that transition but then I am not that kind of emotional about most things. I have a friend that feels that sense of grief after summer ends and the kids go back to school and even sometimes when the weekend ends and Monday arrives. I don't think it really says anything about our differences other than we just feel differently about things.

 

I actually wonder how connected I will be to my children as they go off into the world. I don't think it is so much that I feel "done" once they've launched but simply that I fill my life with a lot of my own activities that it is easy for me to shift my focus (even with littles, parenting only feels like a portion of my life versus all of it).

 

Of course, this is said before anyone has left though I feel somewhat disconnected from my 19yos life even though they are in the house but they work full time and go to school full time and we just don't have the time together we used to and I am okay with that.

 

But then I was never the mom to frequently call and touch base when my kid was off visiting family for a few weeks in the summer or really feel a strong sense of missing them when they were away at camp. I was happy they were off enjoying themselves and that I was too.