fairfarmhand Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 When someone is downright nasty how do you get past that? I am trying to forgive. But I stilll feel like I've been run over by a steamroller. This is not someone I can just never see again and cut out of my life. It helps I was told by someone I trust, "So and so is self-centered. They've been selfish as long as I've known them and I figure they will never change. So really, if they're angry and hurtful to you, you are in good company. " So really, how do I stop the hurt? Is this not forgiving? I don't necessarily feel obligated to forgive this person for them, but rather more to release myself from the crummy feelings. And yet, the curmmy feelings are there. I can't ignore them on the grounds of "I've forgiven them." Am I making any sense at all? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 (Hugs) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Honestly, time. Or growing thick skin and telling them what you think. None of that is easy. Like my MIL. What in hell do I do about her? I don't flipping know. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Setting up boundaries has nothing to do with forgiveness. I think you do need to set up boundaries even if you can't remove them from your life. A boundary might look like, "You may not speak to me like that." and then leave - every single time they do. It won't help to heal the past hurt (I think that time and reminding yourself of the truth does that) but it will empower you and will help to avoid some future hurt even if they fight against it. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 :grouphug: I would just offer up that I think feeling pain, and feeling the hurt has nothing to do with whether you have forgiven the insult (or the cause of the pain) or not. It's pain. If you cut yourself on a can lid, you might not blame the can lid or yourself, but that has nothing to do with how long you are going to have to wait for that jagged wound to heal or how much pain and annoyance it is going to cause you while it heals. And that's an injury that doesn't have a perpetrator. Strongly agree with boundaries as Jean says. Think about the can lid again. If I injure myself on this abrasive, jagged can, wouldn't I be smart if I could get a can opener that didn't leave those jagged edges? Wouldn't I be smart to let DH open cans when possible since he never cuts himself due to his care? Maybe I go out of my way to look for things that don't come in cans. Maybe I become very, very aware when working with cans so that I don't cut myself so often. Maybe I just learn to keep ointment and bandages in the kitchen where I have to work with cans. You take steps to avoid further injury, enlist help in preventing the injury and you provide self-care when you are injured. Has nothing to do with whether you forgive the stupid abrasive, jagged jerk...can...at all. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Stoic philosophy was recommended to me by the person who causes most of the problems. It does take time and practice, though. Don't try and forgive. The word "forgive" is too emotive a word sometimes. Try and lower your expectations to a mild distain. :grouphug: 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 . Try and lower your expectations to a mild distain. :grouphug: this is appealing. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Yeah I hate the concept of "forgive". I forgive those who I say yes it's ok I have let go of what you have done or I understand you did it because you weren't right in the head at the time. But if I don't feel that way, then forget about it. I am not always going to be the bigger person. Make of that what you will. LOL 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I agree with Jean, Rosie, and Sparkly. I find forgiveness is unrelated to feeling better, and so as a goal, is a red herring. Felling better may or may not inspire forgiveness, but I always think of it in that direction, never the other way around. Anyway, for me, sometimes it helps to imagine what this person might have gone through as a child. We learn whatever skills we learn in order to survive, emotionally, mentally, physically. We learn these skills by necessity, and certain ones become habits because they were the most effective at the time. We don't always see our habits, particularly those that negatively affect others, and so we may not ever consider reflecting on them. Because we navigate the world through our perceptions, we have certain expectations. We have these expectations because they seem to be accurate (when they aren't we change our minds). What I'm getting at is, this person who is a self-centered knucklehead may have learned to be stubborn and self sufficient from early childhood, for reasons that you may never be privy to. Whatever dance they learned in their own family, is the one they likely thinks the world dances to. If you can remove the idea that they're intentionally trying to rattle you and instead assume they're intentionally trying to solve their own problems with the skills they've got, you might be able to release yourself from some of the emotions in your reaction. In any case, learning how to set up boundaries for your own mental and emotional health is a good plan, whether or not forgiveness ever comes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 nm 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 For me it starts with truly not caring what that person thinks. As long as the person's opinion matters, then mean words will hurt. Once you accept that they have nothing to say that actually matters to you, it should get easier. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I do my best to maintain a healthy detachment. And I never, ever forget. Remembering is what keeps me from falling headlong into the same pits over and over and over. If I can do most of the above, I find I'm able to 'let go' of the hurt much easier. If that makes sense. :grouphug: This sounds very healthy. I think I will shoot for this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Sometimes you just have to let it go. It's hard. I only work really hard if it's family or someone that's been in my life for a very long time and I can't live without. But if the hurt is that bad, it's for the best that the relationship be over. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Journey Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I know how you are feeling. I have been told more times than I care to remember that I have to forgive certain people who have caused deep, deep hurt for my daughters and myself. Funny thing (not funny at all) isthat no one has told me HOW to forgive, only that I have to, which I already know. AND....how do you keep forgiving, when you figure out how to actually do the forgiving, when they keep hurting us over and over and.....these are family members and we have kept them at arms length for a long time but they creep back in and they ask other family members questions about my daughters and myself. I (we) don't speak to them, even when we are in the same house together, which thankfully isn't often. I want to forgive them FOR ME, not at all for them and also and especially for the Lord, but I don't know how and I certainly can't FORGET about the years and years and years of hurt they have and still do cause. So...please, if someone knows what I need to do to forgive and move on, please tell me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 You know they are self centered, and you are in good company when you have been treated poorly by this person, perspective comes with time. I agree with the people who said that forgiveness can carry a lot of baggage, dismissing the person's opinion is what you are probably going to have to do. Also, sometimes you can have an "Ah- hah!" moment and let go of baggage toward a person who is not sorry for their bad behavior. For example, my dh's ex is an extremely nasty piece of work, I realized that she had Borderline Personality and was able to understand that she is horrid to everyone and that helped a lot. But what really kept annoying me is that she tells EVERYONE that I "stole" dh from her on Thanksgiving, she has a whole complicated lie that she tells people about me and I just was driven to distraction because I hated people hearing her story before they got to know me and found out the truth. Then I had this epiphany that she left dh for a man that she "stole" away from a wife and three kids and that she is telling people that I did what she had done (oh the tangled web we weave) and that "with the measure that you use, you will be judged" and I felt great pity for her and the lie no longer bothered me. I just feel sorry for her, because someday she will be judged by her own words and it won't be good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doodlebug Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Ugh. I'm going through something similar right now, and I'm just so sorry. It really is far more consuming than I want it to be. Totally agree with the sentiment that remembering the hurt is what keeps us safe in the future. Hurt brings clarity. But, that clarity brings it's own devastation... because, though I'm not naive, I really had no clue that someone could be so venomous. It rocked my foundations. Forgiveness, I'm finding, isn't something I can do on my own. And as a Christian, I do believe it is my calling to pursue forgiveness. But it's a moment to moment thing, and I'm trusting that God is not only helping me, but honors the journey in all its flips and flops. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I've got something similar with someone who really hurt me, and crossed boundaries clearly stated. Someone told me to say "pain, pain, pain" out loud to myself when thinking of the hurt. That helps somehow. I do think not caring what a person thinks would matter. But rejection and criticism just hurt me no matter the person doing them. Or maybe if I had absolute confidence in myself it wouldn't. But I don't. So I'm hurt. It does help to remind myself that said person has personality issues and surely childhood stuff and etc. He's broken lots of relationships. He's probably deeply insecure himself. I did, and will continue to, get up and leave when he crosses clearly set boundaries. But this action has repercussions that have and will hurt too. Prayer and time has helped me in the past to forgive some harder things. Awareness of the background and sad things that must drive the other person helped in those cases too. I needed to forgive(for lack of a better term)/avoid bitterness for myself. I've seen what bitterness looks like in people in my family. I don't want that for myself, even if the other person doesn't take responsibility or deserve forgiveness. I'm sorry OP. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Anne Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 For me it starts with truly not caring what that person thinks. As long as the person's opinion matters, then mean words will hurt. Once you accept that they have nothing to say that actually matters to you, it should get easier. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Thank you for the discussion people. To all of us who have been hurt :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I am dealing with something very similar so I know exactly what you mean. For me I have spent a lot of time praying that God would give me peace in my heart. I need to trust that God has a purpose for the situation (including the awkwardness since I see this person regularly) and that ultimately He has the justice (in time the truth will be revealed). The hurt of loving this person who is now not in my life is going to take a long long time to heal. It is a grief and I think only time will truly make it any better. One thing that has helped me as I consider the injustice of this person's words is that I know in my heart they are untrue. I have done nothing wrong. I have faithfully loved her through many many struggles. I feel I can rest somehow knowing I have done all I could to love her. And now it is time for me to rest from the crazy and to practice some self-care. Hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I know how you are feeling. I have been told more times than I care to remember that I have to forgive certain people who have caused deep, deep hurt for my daughters and myself. Funny thing (not funny at all) isthat no one has told me HOW to forgive, only that I have to, which I already know. AND....how do you keep forgiving, when you figure out how to actually do the forgiving, when they keep hurting us over and over and.....these are family members and we have kept them at arms length for a long time but they creep back in and they ask other family members questions about my daughters and myself. I (we) don't speak to them, even when we are in the same house together, which thankfully isn't often. I want to forgive them FOR ME, not at all for them and also and especially for the Lord, but I don't know how and I certainly can't FORGET about the years and years and years of hurt they have and still do cause. So...please, if someone knows what I need to do to forgive and move on, please tell me. You can't move on when the same people poke the same emotional wounds in the same way over and over. A skinned knee never heals if you keep picking the scab, and what's more, no one would ever add insult to injury and tell you to feel guilty about having a scab on your knee. To continue forgiving unrepentant people is to self abuse. You end up emotionally abusing yourself so they don't even have to bother. Why do you do it? Well, it's the socially acceptable thing to do, isn't it? I can only recommend you work at feeling distain instead of pain. It takes time and practice. You can start now, though. Go look in a mirror, think of the person and screw your mouth and nose up in a mildly haughty way. See how applicable it looks? :laugh: :grouphug: The forgiveness you are looking for is several steps away. It's trying to run when you have prickles in your feet. You have to either remove the prickles or let your feet toughen up so the prickles don't stick in. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I know how you are feeling. I have been told more times than I care to remember that I have to forgive certain people who have caused deep, deep hurt for my daughters and myself. Funny thing (not funny at all) isthat no one has told me HOW to forgive, only that I have to, which I already know. AND....how do you keep forgiving, when you figure out how to actually do the forgiving, when they keep hurting us over and over and.....these are family members and we have kept them at arms length for a long time but they creep back in and they ask other family members questions about my daughters and myself. I (we) don't speak to them, even when we are in the same house together, which thankfully isn't often. I want to forgive them FOR ME, not at all for them and also and especially for the Lord, but I don't know how and I certainly can't FORGET about the years and years and years of hurt they have and still do cause. So...please, if someone knows what I need to do to forgive and move on, please tell me. Perhaps I can suggest a book--The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. In addition to the the obvious marriage/dating relationship it also addresses relationships with family members that are ongoing--how to draw up boundaries and how to find healing. I have found it to be a great book. Otherwise I agree with the PP's response to you. When you are dealing with people who are not asking forgiveness/showing repentance for what they have done, then you need to practice distance and self-care. It does produce awkwardness but you can't help that. And you are not expected to forget what has happened. As Christians we are not called to forget. We are supposed to let go of bitterness. That doesn't mean that they did nothing wrong. It just means we trust God to have the justice and you don't walk around shackled to your anger over their actions. This is what I am praying through for myself right now. I can tell you that my mother went through a rough situation when she was in her 30's and she is still carrying bitterness to this day from it. I pray hard that I will not allow this happen in my life. Unfortunately on this side of heaven people can and will hurt us. Our ability to move through that pain and release that bitterness has a lot to do with how we face the other challenges life will pose later. In my mom's case, she has turned to pain drugs to relieve the burden of the shackles of bitterness. Like I said, it is not forgetting that bad that has happened. It is remembering, leaving it with God, and not being embittered by it. It is a process, but I am confident if we pray and seek God for that healing He will allow us to walk in freedom. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I remind myself of 2 things: 1) My "forgiving, letting go, releasing my anger, releasing my vengeance," whatever you want to call it, is not the same as the other person being released from the consequences of what they've done. Consequences experienced either in their relationship with me or others. Consequences will still happen, naturally or otherwise. 2) "Forgving/letting go," not letting this fester inside me is the healthiest thing for ME. What I need to do to get there, is what needs to be done. Why let this person hurt me more letting it continue to bother me. Acknowledge the hurt and wrong, acknowledge the pain and find away to let it go. Let them move on with their crazy. It doesn't have to make me crazy, too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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