Word Nerd Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I've always had trouble making good friends (as opposed to friendly acquaintances), though it was much easier in college and high school. As an adult, it almost seems impossible. I have work acquaintances I like and am friendly with, but I rarely see anyone outside of work. I am friendly with people through 4-H and school activities—but again, I rarely see them outside of those activities. Some of the younger people in the office will go to break or lunch together regularly, but they never ask if I want to come along—even if I'm the only person in the room who isn't included in the verbal invitation. There's an unspoken we-don't-hang-out-with-anyone-over-30 rule. I understand their wanting to spend time with people close to their own age, but it still makes me feel like an old, unhip hag when they exclude me. I have a lot in common with one of them in particular, and I wouldn't mind getting the chance to know her better, but I'm apparently too elderly to have lunch or eat a donut with. Most of the time I don't even think about the fact I have so few IRL friends, nor does it bother me, as I'm an introvert and a homebody. DH is my closest friend, and I'm OK with that most of the time. But other times (like right now), it makes me sad that I have so few female friends and bothers me enough to want to do something about it. A good friend and former college roommate lives a little over an hour away. We see each other every few months or so to have lunch or attend a show, but we don't get together as often as I assumed we would when we moved here (I used to live around 6 hours away). Maybe I should make a point of getting together with her more regularly. How do you make friends as a grown-up? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Do you invite people to your house? Do you invite them to join you at a venue or event that caters to people who share your interests? Do you initiate conversations about about their lives? Their weekends? Their interests? Their thoughts on generally discussed topics? Their families? Their backgrounds? What they studied in school? Where they worked or lived before? How they got into whatever industry or specialty you work in? If you share an interest like a hobby, join a group for that and ask people there how they go into it, what they're working on now, etc. If you don't make an effort to show an appropriate interest in people, they'll assume you're not interest in people. If you don't invite people along, they'll assume you don't want to go places. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I can relate. I've tried inviting some friends and their kids for lunch but it hasn't been reciprocated (not even once) which is frustrating and makes me feel even more lonely. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I, too, found it much easier to make friends in school and college than as an adult. Thinking more about it, I believe it is because as adults we have less time to devote to cultivating friendships, since everybody has obligations with family and work. Friendships grow over time and require time spent together. It took me years to make friends here. Some things that helped: Making friends at work: We often went to lunch in a small group. If your coworkers do not include you, that may be because they -wrongly- assume you might not be interested in hanging out with them. Take the initiative and ask them the next time "Hey, can I join you for lunch?" or, start by "Hey, would you like to go for some coffee?" Have conversations at work, if your workplace culture permits. Throughout the work week, I have quick chats with colleagues in the hallway, mailroom, or secretary's office. I hear about their travel, inquire about the new grandbaby, ask about the daughter who has a tough time, share how my kid is doing in college and what show we saw on the weekend. These are not deep philosophical discussions, but pleasant chitchat which is a powerful social lubricant because it makes people feel connected. I entertain. I invite a few people over for a sit down dinner, or a whole bunch of people for an after-dinner drinks&snacks reception, and throw two really big parties each year. That's when we have uninterrupted time to talk. I also made friends with moms from my homeschool group, but it was a very slow process. I spent several years at the weekly park day, feeling like I did not really belong, until it finally clicked. I feel that the turning point to actual friendship came when I showed a stronger interest in one of the ladies' interests and was invited to participate in a non-homeschool related group facilitated by the women. Here again, I find the main ingredient is time. I have been developing a closer relationship to another lady by spending more time with her learning how to craft; she is a gifted artisan and teacher. Doing this together gives us time to chat. When my kids were little, I made several good friends at a small park in the neighborhood we lived in; we would be there for several hours each day, watching our kids play and talking. Everybody lived close together, several of us sang in the same choir, and when it rained we would move the playing into one of our homes. Over the few years, we spent many many hours really getting to know each other. I have been less successful making friends through other activities. I am in choir, but choir is not conducive to conversation. We have little time to chat and get to know one another, and it does not go beyond the friendly acquaintance stage. So, basically, I found that investing TIME is necessary, and that initiating get-togethers may be necessary as well. I have gotten much better at taking the initiative and not feeling self conscious. You might need to simply invite somebody over, or out for coffee. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I can relate. I've tried inviting some friends and their kids for lunch but it hasn't been reciprocated (not even once) which is frustrating and makes me feel even more lonely. Oh, don't ever wait until somebody reciprocates! We have several (different) friends with whom we have been friends for many years. They attended countless dinners and parties at our house, but in 15 years I set foot in their houses once. I'm sure this does not mean they don't like us, we get along well. But some people may not be comfortable having people over, or dislike it, or whatever. That does not mean you can't be friends. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamanthaCarter Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I haven't found that inviting people over really helps that much. I have always thought it would, but people just continue to keep you at an arms length and you run out of things to talk about. (Possibly because I'm very awkward with people in my house.) I think we've had half of the people in our church over to our house, one family at a time, but have no real friends to speak of. Also, chatting at kids activities doesn't seem to help either. I think people just view it as passing the time rather than really getting to know one another. I almost wonder if you just have to pick someone and start stalking them. LOL. Sorry, I am absolutely NO help. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Beats me. I've met up with the same people over and over and still felt like we weren't there as friends. And my big problem is I don't tend to initiate. So it take someone pretty outgoing. But I have a hard time with people who are TOO outgoing. Meaning they start calling me up several times a day and inviting me to 100,000 things. I can't hack that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 When I actively want to seek friends I take the initiative, but not in a pushy way. If I want to go to lunch with someone or several someones I mention I am going and ask if anyone wants to come. If they say yes, great. If not I smile thank them any way and head out the door. Keep it light. Also, I join in conversations, I ask questions, I share things but again in a light, non invasive way. I am also willing to invite people to my house but I honestly don't expect reciprication since I know a lot of people are not comfortable with that. I have one friend I have known for 10 years. She comes to my house maybe twice a month or we meet for coffee or lunch. Our kids have been friends since kinder. She has only invited me to her house one time and that was so I could discuss homeschooling with a relative. I accept that she would prefer meeting at my house. Recently I started getting to know another woman just through casual conversation. I invited her family to join us for an outing. It went well. We visited at some homeschooling events, met for lunch and they eventually invited us over for dinner and board games one night. I have invited them to come to our house next week to do the same. I find that people pick up introvert vibes and are not sure if someone even wants to be included in things. Try starting conversations. Get some dialogue going. Then invite them to join you for lunch. Or bake something and share it with your coworkers. Hugs. It IS harder to make friends as an adult. Good luck and best wishes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I haven't found that inviting people over really helps that much. I have always thought it would, but people just continue to keep you at an arms length and you run out of things to talk about. How can one run out of things to talk about???? That would probably mean I could not be friends with these people - I have never run out of things to talk about with anybody, definitely not friends, and also not friendly acquaintances. (though sometimes people want to go on and on about something I am not remotely interested in) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 And FWIW, developing a really deep friendship can be hard. So many factors involved. If you are talking about deep friendships I say start with casual acquaintances, see which might fit best with your personality and casually start trying to initiate more in depth conversations and opportunities to get to know each other one on one. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 My two most recent good friends have been made via Scouting troops that my kids are involved in....both Girl and Boy Scouts. It took time though for the friendships to develop beyond just "hi"s and casual conversation. Making the first step....do you want to meet for coffee or lunch sometime? helps. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I wish I had a magic wand. As a 40+ college student, it's hard. most of my student peers are under 35 and don't invite me places, and I'm trying to watch professional boundaries in cultivating relationships with professors who I actually relate to better. I also live 40 miles from my college town, so it's hard to invite people over and have them agree to come. I have no friends in the town in which I live, we've tried some activities, but everything is either school or church and we don't do either. I'm hoping this fall I'll find a few people to hang out with. I like hanging out with younger people, not sure how they feel about hanging out with me though. My homeschooling friends stem from this board and only a few live within visiting range. We do get together, but not often enough. My mom is one of my good friends and ds and I get along well, so I'm not so isolated, but it would be nice to have someone to call up and go have coffee with from time to time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Wish I knew. I'm outgoing, talk to everyone, know most people in my town but only have one couple dh and I get together with. We don't really " fit in" in our small town, for years we were too busy with little kids and dh is very introverted and doesn't want people in the house ever. -sigh- 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 How can one run out of things to talk about???? That would probably mean I could not be friends with these people - I have never run out of things to talk about with anybody, definitely not friends, and also not friendly acquaintances. (though sometimes people want to go on and on about something I am not remotely interested in) There are a lot of people who don't have much to talk about it seems. I had one person I'd call a friend since moving here. Every time I saw her she repeated the same celebrity gossip story. No joke... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Yeah part of it is lack of time and energy to put into the kind of friendship you might be looking for. At least I know what I'm looking for. I tend towards wanting one good friend I can tell my secrets to. I don't need tons of people to do stuff with. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Honestly, I really couldn't figure it out either. I made a number of casual friends as an adult but couldn't seem to break past that level to get to real friendship. UNTIL... I had kids. I often say the first few years of having kids is like the first year in college because I just met so many people. And now I have mommy friends from that time and from homeschooling. And even my friendships that I have that aren't based around kids at all (like my yoga friends) are people I met initially through being a parent. So other than that, I got nothing. It's so difficult. I still look forward to seeing my high school friends more than anything, honestly. I wish some of them lived closer. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I wish I could find people who were into stuff like cards, board games, etc. I never can find people who like that stuff as much as I do. What is with that?! I once read an add on craigslist for some older guy who was looking for that. I was tempted to invite him over. LOL 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 If your coworkers do not include you, that may be because they -wrongly- assume you might not be interested in hanging out with them. Take the initiative and ask them the next time "Hey, can I join you for lunch?" This. But then be prepared to be asked many times after that. :) Personally I'd just be happy to maintain the friendships I made before kids. That is hard enough. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I don't have time to cultivate new friendships. I can easily find a chatting partner when I hang out waiting at a kids' activity or Sunday School or on a break when working in the office. But I can't commit to following it up with more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I have to be honest with myself and admit that I don't have time to cultivate new friendships. I can easily find a chatting partner when I hang out waiting at a kids' activity or Sunday School or on a break when working in the office. But I can't commit to following it up with more. This is where I'm at. I have too much going on. It might sound like an excuse, but I'm not extroverted where I feel rejuvenated by these things. I need down time. I don't like rushing, hectic, or full schedules. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Another, probably weird, thought... Facebook has strangely helped me be better friends with some people too. Like, there are some people that I see more now because of Facebook. Whereas before it was like, oh, I don't know what so and so is up to and, frankly, oh well, I haven't thought of them in ages, now you see people's updates and know what's up with them and it creates a different bond where you sort of want to see them more. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Another, probably weird, thought... Facebook has strangely helped me be better friends with some people too. Like, there are some people that I see more now because of Facebook. Whereas before it was like, oh, I don't know what so and so is up to and, frankly, oh well, I haven't thought of them in ages, now you see people's updates and know what's up with them and it creates a different bond where you sort of want to see them more. Same here. I held out a long time with joining facebook (after being away for a long time). I've met up with a lot more people since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendy not in HI Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Oh no! I've been hoping that when I get a job, making friends will be easier! You are ruining my dream! I am bad at making friends, and we move every 2-3 years, so I don't have a lot of time to make friends before it gets to be too late to really try. I'm not sure what the secret is. At our last home, I felt like I wasn't making friends because our kids are older - all of the young moms seemed to be really close because they spent a lot of time at play group and park group, etc. I can't change that. Also, I was really young when our kids were babies, so now I am still pretty young, and don't seem to quite fit in with the kids-in-college moms... Friendship is sort of a mystery to me. I often feel like I'm watching from the outside of others' friendships - it can especially hurt when I'm trying to make a friendship work with someone because we are both new, and she suddenly has a million new, super close friends, and I'm still standing back there alone...waving...hello! I have noticed that once in a while a friendship just clicks. it doesn't happen for me at every move, but it does happen once in a while. I'm pretty sure I'm not doing anything different, but I feel like sometimes a friendship (more than just regular hello, how are you friend) is just meant to be. Magic! By the way, I love my husband, he is my great friend. But I really do need girl friends. I have 6 sisters. Having close women friends is really important to me. I think part of the problem is that I am often looking for more of a "sister" than a friend, and that is really not fair to other women. I am currently close-friend-less. I'm feeling less sad about this than I usually would. I'm not sure why. Maybe because my older kids are keeping me busy and are pretty great companions. But here are some things I am doing or things that have worked in the past: -I am part of a book group. I have attended most meetings for the last year. I'm not sure that I love any of the women in the group, and I may actually quit the group. -I like to have people over. I am better with one family at our house than I am at a party with lots of people. I am trying to have a family over about once a month. I think that has helped a little. This post has reminded me that I need to do this again. -I really like to go out to lunch, and have gone with a few different people. But I hate inviting - I feel like I'm asking someone on a date... -I'm trying to chat more with mom's after my ds' scout meeting, or during soccer, or any other activity. -trying to get to know kids' friends' parents. -I am trying to be thoughtful toward the ladies I know (and like) - as in sending a happy birthday text, or hope you are feeling better, or inviting out, or sending a note if I hear about a schedule change that might affect them, and stuff like that. Mostly by text. I hate phone calls. I have done a couple recent birthday lunch or ice cream trips. -I had a couple of walking/jogging partners at our last home. When school starts up in the fall, I think I will send out an invite on our local facebook page to try to find a weekly walk partner. I actually prefer to run/walk alone, but once a week would be nice. -We live near DC - I'm also considering making a group on the local fb page for mom-tourists or something. I would like to go in to town every other week or so and explore a museum or gallery or neighborhood and would prefer to go with a couple of friends. Anyway. I'm really no help. I know how you feel. You are not alone, even if it feels like it today. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Another, probably weird, thought... Facebook has strangely helped me be better friends with some people too. Like, there are some people that I see more now because of Facebook. Whereas before it was like, oh, I don't know what so and so is up to and, frankly, oh well, I haven't thought of them in ages, now you see people's updates and know what's up with them and it creates a different bond where you sort of want to see them more. I'm right there with you. People say social media make us more superficial, but for me it is the contrary: I feel more connected with my actual friends because fb lets me be more involved in their lives - or at least in the part the choose to share. A quick comment, virtual hug, commiseration or advice strengthen bonds. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Here's a thread reinforcing my theory that as a whole, Americans don't really want to entertain other people at their houses or they think they can't. http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/556208-do-people-really-entertain-that-often/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Oh, don't ever wait until somebody reciprocates! We have several (different) friends with whom we have been friends for many years. They attended countless dinners and parties at our house, but in 15 years I set foot in their houses once. I'm sure this does not mean they don't like us, we get along well. But some people may not be comfortable having people over, or dislike it, or whatever. That does not mean you can't be friends. This is an excellent point! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Here's a thread reinforcing my theory that as a whole, Americans don't really want to entertain other people at their houses or they think they can't. http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/556208-do-people-really-entertain-that-often/ I fully admit I don't enjoy entertaining people in my home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Is it bad that I think I'd stop inviting someone over if they never reciprocated? I don't mean they had to invite me into their home. But invite us to get together, anywhere. Hmm maybe if we're talking a long guest list, no harm in keeping them on it. But one-on-one stuff? I think I'd be worried they didn't like us. Not saying that is the case. Just how I would internalize it. No it's not bad. I think it is totally understandable. But I admit I might just be that person because I'm not outgoing like that. Although it would definitely cross my mind that I'd need to make some sort of effort to signal to you that I value our friendship and want you to know that. On another note, I often wonder what people mean by friends. I think, deep and meaningful. I get the sense that people think any activity involving other people is a "friend" situation. I've had plenty of that. It didn't feel like a friend situation to me at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWillSoar Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Well since the kids are older, I'm not really making any new friends right now. I'm hoping I can get them into some homeschool activities and that will provide some opportunities for all of us to make some new friends. This past year has been kind of isolating. Yes, there are plenty of homeschool activities but when your kids are not social and don't like to do much, it's kind of hard. One has autism and the other is quirky and gifted and we are just an awkward bunch, I guess. Before, I made friends through activities with the kids--playgroups, a mom's group, etc. When my kids were all in school (PS) and all my friends went back to work, I joined a Bible study group and hung out with those ladies for a time. I feel you though. Even though I have some friends I hang out with from time to time, I am not getting the amount of friend interaction that I really crave. I miss the days of sitting with a friend, sipping coffee for hours, just yacking about whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I have lots of different social circles and I have to keep them all going to socialize with people regularly. I suggest people diversify and maintain things if they want more social opportunities. I'm not an extrovert. I do what's necessary to get the socialization I want and need even though it can be contrary to my nature. I joined my local quilter's guild this year. They actually want to talk about quilts, unlike most people who don't quilt. They meet 2-4 times a month for "show and tell" of whatever you're working on or have finished followed by a demonstration of some sort. We eat and chat in between those two things. We have a charity sew every 5th Tuesday and an open all day sew in one Sunday a month. My brother has a circle of hiking friends that I join. It's open to anyone interested. The group doesn't have much in common other than hiking, but that's all we need. We train for big hikes together sometimes and we meet up for less strenuous ones throughout the year. This group also does camping together and is open to other people camping with them. I have a homeschool friend IRL who's a Circe Classical Education type. We mostly talk Classics even though we used to attend the same church. I usually arrange it at my house or at a coffee shop several times a year because she's not an initiator or scheduler. My church is small and started in January. There are 30 of us. Half of us know each other from attending another church 10 years ago. We specifically plan Sunday lunches for everyone at the pastor's house for the 3rd Sunday of every month (unless it's a holiday like Father's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter then we bump it to the 4th Sunday except in December.) We also have a small group at another member's house on Wednesdays for prayer and a short Bible study. One Wednesday every month is a potluck so we can chat the whole time. They attend baseball games together that everyone's invited to. I'd rather chew off my pinky than watch sports, but it's there if I need it. If one of the kids has a game, performance or recital everyone available at that time will attend it. We have 8 minor children at church and 4 or 5 young singles. I usually invite new homeschoolers to my home several a year so the kids can play and the moms can chat. I also host a couple of newbie mini workshops in my house discussing different homeschooling approaches and how different materials can be used different ways depending on approach. I have a closed group (invitation only) for art class that meets 2-3 times a month and block out play time after. The other moms and I mix very well together in personality, lifestyle and educational approach. I have an open PE group (sign up, pay the fee, anyone can join at any time) 1 day a week for 1 hour of PE coaching 9 months a year. We keep several hours open after PE for the kids to play and eat lunch together. I pint up the flier to plan the summer weekly meet up at the local public pool for everyone who's interested. I have local relatives on both sides (mine and my husband's) so we do most holidays together (usually at my house because my houses are always chosen with the assumption I will be entertaining 20-30 people on holidays.) We also go to movies together (which I'm in charge of coordinating) a time or two each year. I'll see if my 3 brothers and step-sister want to meet up to see The Terminator movie because we saw the first one together and the last one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamanthaCarter Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 How can one run out of things to talk about???? That would probably mean I could not be friends with these people - I have never run out of things to talk about with anybody, definitely not friends, and also not friendly acquaintances. (though sometimes people want to go on and on about something I am not remotely interested in) There are a lot of people who don't have much to talk about it seems. I had one person I'd call a friend since moving here. Every time I saw her she repeated the same celebrity gossip story. No joke... I promise I don't do this! :) I run out of things to bring up. Once I've found out about someone's background, interests, a book they've read recently, etc, and then follow those things down all of the little rabbit trails, what next? Shouldn't people hold up their end? My best friends have always been total extroverts. Talkers, doers, dragging me along for the fun. I ADORE people like that, though I couldn't be married to one. :) It's like yin and yang. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I promise I don't do this! :) I run out of things to bring up. Once I've found out about someone's background, interests, a book they've read recently, etc, and then follow those things down all of the little rabbit trails, what next? Shouldn't people hold up their end? My best friends have always been total extroverts. Talkers, doers, dragging me along for the fun. I ADORE people like that, though I couldn't be married to one. :) It's like yin and yang. I can talk until my head falls off. I always wonder if people think I say too much. LOL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Oh but I'm not an extrovert. It's just I can think of many things to talk about . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Well as long as I picked up that we were indeed friends then I think I'd be fine. Especially if you weren't on FB posting about your (as in, one that you host) get together with your better friends :laugh: People posted about their get together with their better friends?! Geesh I don't even try to be that mean to people I don't like at all. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I run out of things to bring up. Once I've found out about someone's background, interests, a book they've read recently, etc, and then follow those things down all of the little rabbit trails, what next? Shouldn't people hold up their end? Of course! People who are not interested in anything are boring! I may not share the person's interest, or know very little about it, but I love talking to people who are passionate about something: history, science, books, crafting, women's spirituality, opera, kayaking, baking, education... it is fun to listen to people who light up and become animated when they get to share about their interest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medawyn Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 After watching my parents over the years - and my own personal experiences - being open to hosting things at your house really does help. Both sets of my (divorced) parents host frequently at their houses, although that looks different for both. Their respective friendships have really grown and changed from that in the decades they've transitioned from on-hand parents to empty nesters. Some of those friends do reciprocate, but I notice that my parents end up hosting more frequently. In my own toddler-filled life, that has translated to hosting a weekly play group (we do messy toddler art every week, because the mess doesn't bother me) and extending frequent invitations to outings. Many of those get turned down; people are busy, kids are unpredictable, and maybe not everyone wants or needs new friends. But it has paid off into what I would consider two close friends and a handful of reliable acquaintances. We're facing a move as my DH is job searching, and I know it will be hard. As a PP pointed out, friendships take TIME, which is something we are all in short supply. However, if I keep telling myself that settling into a new place is at least a two year process (at least as far as relationships go), than it helps me keep some perspective. This is coming from an introvert, which makes constantly putting myself out there difficult. But, as wonderful as my DH is, he does not replace female companionship, and for me, it seems the only options are to forego girlfriends or put in the work - and time - necessary to cultivate them 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 On another note, I often wonder what people mean by friends. I think, deep and meaningful. I get the sense that people think any activity involving other people is a "friend" situation. I've had plenty of that. It didn't feel like a friend situation to me at all. I like having people to do stuff with, who share an interest, and these may be friends in some sense. I consider really good friends the ones I would feel comfortable calling if I had a crisis, if my car is stranded or I am sick alone - and the ones in whom I would confide if something went horribly wrong in my life. Which may not necessarily be the same people. Different friends can play different roles. Not every friend has to be somebody you bare your soul to. One of my best friends back home was our climbing buddy and college friend. I trusted him literally with my life (in a more literal sense than most people ever have to trust somebody), we slept in close quarters in mountain huts and tents and were intimately familiar with each other's idiosynchrasies and annoying habits- but we did not talk about feelings. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 It's strange how it worked out. But my boys have had two piano teachers. Both times I became friends with the teacher. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. B Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 At one workplace, I hosted a potluck dinner at my house once. Only 4-5 people came, partly because I did shift work and 1/2 my coworkers were working. I did it mainly because one coworker was going through a difficult time and another coworker agreed doing something social would be a good outreach to her. We had a good time. Due to normal life busyness and conflicting shift work schedules, we didn't meet all together again, but we were closer friends in the workplace after that evening. At another workplace, I hosted a casual Christmas get together at my home. It was a come and go event from 4-10 to accomadate shift workers schedule. I provided the ham/rolls and drinks and the coworkers provided heavy finger foods. I had more friend vs. acquaintance conversations with many coworkers after that event. Many of those coworkers I still keep up with today, 10 years after I quit. I think visiting in the home creates a deeper bond than going out. For example, I have been involved in small Bible study groups at churches through the years. I usually don't get more deeply acquainted with the others beyond, "I will pray for you" or "it's great to know you." If we do something outside of the study like meet up for dinner, the relationship might become a casual friendship vs friendly aquaintence.. But it takes a shorter time to feel connected to a small group when the meeting is in someone's home. It's just more personal. The home groups I have been part of are the ones that I have more personal connection. If I see someone from a home group years later, it's like I'be reconnected with family. If I see someone I knew only through the workplace or through a church classroom Bible years later, it's a "hi, nice to see you, my your kids have grown" conversation with little connection. I have rarely had a group of close peer friends, maybe 1-2 at a time. My closest long term friends through the years have usually been much older than me. Probably because I liked to quilt premotherhood days. A real challenge for coworkers who tried to set me up on dates when I was young and spry. It started to get bad when my closest friends started to try to fix my up with their sons, lol. Another suggestion is to join a group that does things that interest you and go consistently. Hiking group, scrap booking club, book discussion club, clean up parks group, gardening club, dance lessons, wine club, etc. Or start volunteering with a non profit that supports a cause in accordance with something in which you are passionate. It is likely some natural friendships occur with time in that situation since others involved likely share the same passionate cause for the needy situation the non profit supports. Having a spouse, parent, sibling, or grown child as a best friend is the greatest IMHO. My spouse is my BFF. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I find myself feeling the same way a lot! But I have a very very close friend now...we have connected over special needs kids...she is my close friend but it didn't really develop until I had kids old enough to play by themselves while I talked otherwise took much time in my life was spent child wrangling instead of talking and developing our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I have two family friends (as in expat families) I can rely on for help because they are long time friends of my cousin. So she did the intro and we just look out for each other from there. Last year I told my hubby that we have been neglecting the friendship so we meet up and had fun. Once my hubby locked our car keys in our car and my spare was at home while we were at a mall. My family friend (couple) came to drive him home to get the key and drive back again to the mall. The guy said he did the same thing as an overseas undergrad and had to call AAA for help, his wife was amused as she hadn't heard the full story before. On the social side, I have a fun time chatting with parents of the kids in german school but that was after my kids first year at that Saturday school. We started chatting about kids (parenting stress and all that0 and then it became chatting about us (health issues, insurance crap, car maintenance, airfares to visit parents/in-laws). I enjoy people watching a lot more than chatting so I am okay with the few friends I currently have. If I get lonely, there is always a friend in a timezone that is still daytime for me to internet chat with since my friends are scattered across the globe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I don't. :lol: No, seriously. I'm still BFF's with my BFF from 4th grade. :coolgleamA: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Honestly, I really couldn't figure it out either. I made a number of casual friends as an adult but couldn't seem to break past that level to get to real friendship. UNTIL... I had kids. I often say the first few years of having kids is like the first year in college because I just met so many people. And now I have mommy friends from that time and from homeschooling. And even my friendships that I have that aren't based around kids at all (like my yoga friends) are people I met initially through being a parent. So other than that, I got nothing. It's so difficult. I still look forward to seeing my high school friends more than anything, honestly. I wish some of them lived closer. I've actually found the opposite....having kids has made me more isolated and I have far fewer friends. No mommy friends. But my kids do nothing due to their ages and my son's sensory issues, and my work hours aren't conducive to activities. But I am very lonely. Just haven't figured out what to do about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 This other recent thread may also shed some light on why some adults would be less inclined to do much socializing. http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/556299-how-many-hours-a-week-does-your-breadwinners-work/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I've found that the main thing i that you have to keep meeting with the same people over time. And its ideal if a lot of it can be somewhere other than people's houses becasue than noone has to take on hosting all the time which some aren't prepared to do. If it is something you do a few times a week that works best, but even once a week is ok. The best luck I have had as an adult has been the church I am at now, and a rug hooking group I went to when I was in the country. I think this thing about not having people over is significant. I haven't done much of it lately because I haven't had any kind of dining area for about the past two years. Other people may have other issues with time to clean up or I think many people don't like to have people over until a bit of a relationship is already established. There is a bit of a trend around here for people to meet more outside the home for things - there is a big new library, or for example a cafe with hundreds of board games, or the outdoor skating rink. I've also seen in our immigrant population a lot of people who will have parties and bbqs in public parks in the summer which strikes me as a great idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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