Bean dip, boundaries, and general courtesy questions.

[klmama]

If you have some suggestions for me here, I'd surely appreciate them! I have two situations that are bothering me.

 

1. How do I graciously respond to being told by another homeschooler (in an affectionate, but somewhat condescending way) that I shouldn't worry about how a special activity we have been invited to will affect our schedule? I know everyone doesn't want to keep a schedule, but I rely on mine to keep us moving forward. Adding hours of practice for a special event into our lives, plus the actual day of the event, plus the need for a babysitter, makes me feel stressed, and being told I don't need to worry about it all because of the benefits of the wonderful activity makes me feel my friend doesn't understand me at all. (Or, maybe she understands me too well and sees that I need to loosen up and take advantage of opportunities when they arise - probably true, and my dh would agree.) So, how should I handle this one? When it comes up I'm always a bit dumbfounded and flustered, so I walk away feeling frustrated.

 

2. How do I graciously respond to homeschoolers who don't understand why their textbooks include so many "unimportant" details - dates and basic facts - when they say things about how much my dc know. It's so tempting to say, "Yes, they do know a lot. They really like all those details you don't think your dc need to know." See my problem? That sounds w-a-a-a-y too snarky to say to a very nice friend who is just clueless about what motivates us. I usually end up saying nothing at all because I don't want to offend, but it happens a lot and I feel like I should say something to help them understand the connection between those details and grasp of the material.

 

Any suggestions of polite responses would be very welcome! TIA!

[Amy in Orlando]

KLM, you don't say how old your children are, but I'm guessing they're in the the grammar or younger set. My best advice to you is to nod and smile and just go your own way. If something makes you stressed out, skip it. If you need a schedule (I did and do even more now that mine are older) go with it and don't offer apologies. A simple "Sorry, that doesn't work for us on Thursday" will do. Even with friends. If they are true friends, they'll understand this and accept it and let it go.

 

As for part two of your question . . . unless you're punishiing your children if they don't learn (eg locking them in a closet) ... do NOT EVER apologize for your kids knowing more than someone else's kid. I spent years doing this and it was STOOPID (with a capital double "OO") and counter-productive. Stay your path. Do not apologize for having smart children who are thriving in the environment you are providing.

 

You are not your friend and you cannot change your path to make her feel better. If she is a true friend, she'll hang on with you for this journey.

 

For us/me it came down to accepting that our homeschool path might not be like anyone else's. I refused to apologize for our decisions. From about a dozen, I'm down to one true homeschool friend. She does what she does with her kids and I do what I do. And we accept each other and meet up when we can - the boys are all friends. The others - well, those were not hills I was willing to die on.

 

Do what makes you happy and comfortable and productive and the rest can just slide by. If you lose a "friend" over it, then she was probably not that great of a friend. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's been my experience ove the past nine years or so.

[klmama]

Amy, thanks for reinforcing what I was thinking with my first friend. I guess I just need to practice saying, "No" so that it comes more easily. She needs to respect it or get over it.

 

As for the second friend, that's not an annoying situation, just perplexing. I don't want to offend her the way the other lady has offended me, by implying she isn't homeschooling the right way, but I'm not quite sure what to say when she comments on how much my dc know. I usually just say, "Yes, s/he really loves ___." I don't apologize for what they know or for being smart. It's just that, since she keeps bringing it up,I feel like I should say something else. Would you?

[klmama]

Cadam, thank you for the scripts! I think what you suggested will work well.

[Peela]

1. I think I would be playful about it. You are as you are. I have friends who tell me things- sometimes quite opinionated and strong- and I just let them roll off and then carry on doing my own thing with a smile. By just smiling and carrying on, I leave myself open to taking on board what they are saying, rather than locking onto a position which I may want to change later, IYKWIM! As in, if you think your friend may have a point, you can laugh about yourself, then still do what you need to do.

 

2. I am not sure I would necessarily say anything if I wasn't directly asked. It's not really their business unless they ask you respectfully and you choose to share what you do. I would tend to wait till their curiosity got the better of them. And even then, don't say too much unless they genuinely want to know. They probably don't really want to change, they would like to continue doing what they are doing and end up with kids like yours :). So I would just mind my own business and wait till they really, really want to know enough to genuinely ask.

[RegularMom]

I have found myself in similar situations in the past year, and I've come to the conclusion that the less I say, the better off I am.

 

I've met women who are so in love with the style of homeschooling they've chosen that they assume that everyone else in the world wants to homeschool the same way.

 

One of these women once actually offered to provide homeschooling to my 4yo, and she made the offer to my 4yo instead of to me (in a drippy condescending tone of voice that I hate to hear when people talk to my kids), and I had to (as gently as possible) tell her "No Thank You, We've got our own methods and my 4yo isn't ready to begin schoolwork anyway." The woman was Quite Taken Aback that I declined her fabulous offer, and asked me what my method was, and when I said "Classical" she got this frigid formal look on her face and said: "Oh, well, I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me one day." At that point, I immediately passed the bean dip and let it go.

 

I listen to lots of homeschooling moms talk at playgroups and such, and I've found that those who squawk the loudest about their methods and their activities, and compare their kids with others in academics or social development or sports or whatever, tend to be the more insecure ones in the bunch. What they're really doing is shouting out: I'm Doing This Right, Aren't I???? Aren't I????? Tell Me I'm Doing This Right!!!!!!!

 

And them I'm all: "hey, is that bean dip over there?"

 

And not because I think they're doing it wrong. There's more than one right way to homeschool, after all. It's because for these women, there will only always be One Way To Do This. Their way. Being confronted with other people's children who are ahead of their own children and using a different method or curriculum just makes all those insecurities flare up even worse. And honestly? I don't have time for that. I'm busy enough just keeping my own kids educated and on schedule.

 

Bean dip, baby. Bring it on. :)

[Heather in the Kootenays]

and then say something bland like. "Oh dear, that really won't work for me" or "I'll have to give it some thought"

 

But what you describe in your first example sounds like me asking my dear friend to loosen up a bit because I think it might be good for her and her kids. If that's the case, an honest explanation would probably stop such questions.

 

And when people comment on what my geeky son knows, I turn it into a joke and say something like "It's a mystery to me why he loves all those dates" - said with a laugh.

 

Often people are just curious and don't mean offense.

[kalanamak]

 

Any suggestions of polite responses would be very welcome! TIA!

 

I keep it short: I use the excuse I'm half German. I tell them its the German in me. The truism about Germans being by the book, punctual, etc has gotten me out of all kinds of more involved yak.

 

The logic is low but effective. HTH

 

(BTW, when I do something wild, and raise an eyebrow, I blame the Viking in me....)

[NevadaRabbit]

1. How do I graciously respond to being told by another homeschooler (in an affectionate, but somewhat condescending way) that I shouldn't worry about how a special activity we have been invited to will affect our schedule? I know everyone doesn't want to keep a schedule, but I rely on mine to keep us moving forward. Adding hours of practice for a special event into our lives, plus the actual day of the event, plus the need for a babysitter, makes me feel stressed, and being told I don't need to worry about it all because of the benefits of the wonderful activity makes me feel my friend doesn't understand me at all. (Or, maybe she understands me too well and sees that I need to loosen up and take advantage of opportunities when they arise - probably true, and my dh would agree.) So, how should I handle this one? When it comes up I'm always a bit dumbfounded and flustered, so I walk away feeling frustrated.

 

I'm going to say something different about this one because this is SO much like me. I like laying out our plans in advance and like you, I rely on the planned schedule to keep us moving forward. The problem with this is that I CAN get too schedule-bound.

 

IF (and if it's not, feel free to ignore) it is a control issue for you - as it is for me - maybe your friend DOES understand you well enough to want to help you take advantage of an opportunity. I have a friend like that, and thankfully she is understanding of my Schedule Dependence Syndrome, but she also knows how to get her kids out there doing those things other kids have to miss because they're closed up in a classroom, and isn't that part of why we chose to home school?

 

I rarely accept an invitation to something that would rattle up our schedule that same day (I get too stressed) and I won't adjust our schedule to fit in something foolish; but if I can plan ahead, adjust our schedule to fit in the subjects I feel are priorities and also do the special thing, I know that the excitement of my kids and the fun they have and the enrichment of it will outweigh the stress I feel about the schedule thing. Maybe not till after the event, but it does.

 

So. Take it case by case, but consider that your friend might have a point, and consider setting some boundaries like "I need time to check our schedule and I'll let you know about that. Got some bean dip?"

[Remudamom]

Okay, try this, with a big grin on your face.

 

#1- You're psychotic, and little things like that throw you. The Mother Ship did not mention it and you can't process it. You have therapy scheduled for that day.... Or I'd just tell them I was @nal and couldn't handle surprises like that.

 

#2- I'd just say the details make it more fun/clear/interesting for YOUR children and leave it at that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sometimes people couch questions in the form of a "compliment" but then sometimes it is just a comment. It is so hard to tell which is which! If someone makes the same comment more than once, I will ask them, "Are you asking me for specifics of how we do it? Or are you just making small talk." People are surprisingly honest. And most of the time people will say, "Oh I was just making small talk.":D

[Mekanamom]

Situation #1:

 

I am another person who relies on my schedule. Anything that messes up my schedule is a big deal. LOL. And I had a friend who was all about spontanaiety. It worked out. I learned how to just say No sometimes. And I learned to relax a little bit and go do something fun, even if it wasn't in the pre-planned schedule. The whole situation gave me some great lessons in prioritizing. Basically, if the event was worth the trouble (to myself and the kids), we did it. And if the event was more trouble than it was worth, we passed. This was definitely a skill I had to learn!! I'm very glad I had that spontaneous friend now- though at the time the situation gave me fits of anxiety. LOL.

 

Situation # 2:

 

LOL, I was the only one in my group either doing Classical schooling a la WTM, or school-in-a-box. (Calvert or K12; I've used both.) Everyone else was very relaxed. This is truly a bean dip situation. My advice is: Give everyone else the grace you wish they would give you. ;)

[teamturner]

As for the second friend, that's not an annoying situation, just perplexing. I don't want to offend her the way the other lady has offended me, by implying she isn't homeschooling the right way, but I'm not quite sure what to say when she comments on how much my dc know. I usually just say, "Yes, s/he really loves ___." I don't apologize for what they know or for being smart. It's just that, since she keeps bringing it up,I feel like I should say something else. Would you?

 

Maybe you could approach it with a humorous answer, something like:

 

"Well you know, we are really trying hard to prepare our kids to be Jeopardy champions someday! That's our plan for paying for their college."

 

or this one...

 

"Yes, my dc are memorizing the Britanica Encyclopedia so they will always be able to win at Trivial Pursuit."

 

Perhaps if you blow off the question each time with a funny reply, she will eventually stop bringing it up. Just an idea. :D

[WTMindy]

The first situation is one I would address and you have received great advice. I just say, "I know, I'm a bit compulsive about our schedule. But, because we do X,Y, and Z, I have to guard the rest of our school activities pretty closely.

 

The second situation I would just ignore. There is not a graceful way to talk about that without coming across like you think your kids are smarter than theirs.

 

I found that it is just best not to do too much discussing specifics with people because I either make someone feel bad because they aren't doing it my way or I feel bad because I'm not more like them. :001_smile:

[PariSarah]

1. "I've just found I can't make homeschooling work without a schedule. I'm glad your approach is working for you, though. Do you do a lot of field trips?"

 

"Well, there are always more opportunities than we can fit in, aren't there! This one's just not important enough to me to derail other things we've got going on. Let me know if you find out about ________, though--I'm always interested in that!"

 

2. "Yeah, the kids love details. It's their thing. What sort of things do your kids enjoy most?"

 

"Yes, they enjoy it, so I figured I should run with their interests. I always wonder about how people decide when to let their kids run with something and when to push them to do something they don't like. What do you?"

 

"Sure helps when the grandparents start quizzing them!! Do your parents support your homeschooling, or do they give you some grief about it?"

 

This is the pattern that works for me in most situations: Put the thing-being-challenged into some sort of unremarkable context (something that is too bland to be challenged). Give the other person permission to be different. Ask an I'm-interested-in-you question, or indicate where you would be interested in what they're interested in.

 

Pleasant, confident smiles help. Apologies, insincerity, and timidity don't.

[Scarlett]

The woman was Quite Taken Aback that I declined her fabulous offer, and asked me what my method was, and when I said "Classical" she got this frigid formal look on her face and said: "Oh, well, I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me one day." At that point, I immediately passed the bean dip and let it go.

 

:confused: I am amazed she had not heard of the Classical Method.

[WTMindy]

1. "I've just found I can't make homeschooling work without a schedule. I'm glad your approach is working for you, though. Do you do a lot of field trips?"

 

"Well, there are always more opportunities than we can fit in, aren't there! This one's just not important enough to me to derail other things we've got going on. Let me know if you find out about ________, though--I'm always interested in that!"

 

2. "Yeah, the kids love details. It's their thing. What sort of things do your kids enjoy most?"

 

"Yes, they enjoy it, so I figured I should run with their interests. I always wonder about how people decide when to let their kids run with something and when to push them to do something they don't like. What do you?"

 

"Sure helps when the grandparents start quizzing them!! Do your parents support your homeschooling, or do they give you some grief about it?"

 

This is the pattern that works for me in most situations: Put the thing-being-challenged into some sort of unremarkable context (something that is too bland to be challenged). Give the other person permission to be different. Ask an I'm-interested-in-you question, or indicate where you would be interested in what they're interested in.

 

Pleasant, confident smiles help. Apologies, insincerity, and timidity don't.

 

Oh, you ARE GOOD!!! Those are great responses.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Amy, thanks for reinforcing what I was thinking with my first friend. I guess I just need to practice saying, "No" so that it comes more easily. She needs to respect it or get over it.

 

As for the second friend, that's not an annoying situation, just perplexing. I don't want to offend her the way the other lady has offended me, by implying she isn't homeschooling the right way, but I'm not quite sure what to say when she comments on how much my dc know. I usually just say, "Yes, s/he really loves ___." I don't apologize for what they know or for being smart. It's just that, since she keeps bringing it up,I feel like I should say something else. Would you?

 

I wonder if the second friend keeps bringing it up because she isn't as satisfied with what her kids are doing. What about a comment like, "We just love what we're using for history. I used to think it was just a bunch of dates and names I couldn't pronounce, but now we see so many more connections and it is so much more interesting."

 

That leaves it open for her to ask more questions if she wants too. But I think it still comes across as positive toward your program and not critical of hers.

 

On the first situation, if the final program is worth doing, then do it. But you're not obligated to participate just because your support group is having a talent show or a parade of nations or a Christmas play or a pageant of presidents or whatever. Unless it is something like a coop and you agreed up front to participate in the group's activities, you should feel free to say, we can't.

[gardening momma]

"It's a mystery to me why he loves all those dates" - said with a laugh.

I couldn't use this line. I think it would downplay ds's love of dates (or names, places, etc...) too much. It would be really bad if he were in hearing range. I mean, don't you love that stuff too? Don't you think it's important? Why make it seem trivial?

[iquilt]

I've had to learn this past year that I do not need to justify our decisions for our family to anyone else and sometimes it's best to let the "friend" say what she needs to say and move on. I've been known to let a certain friend rant for an hour about how she thinks all homeschoolers should have at least a 4year college degree (she is firmly opposed to homeschooling anyway); I don't think she notices that I haven't said anything :).

[dirty ethel rackham]

Do you do private coaching? I need some of these skills. Maybe we should have group roll play with Parisarah!! I wish I had read this in my early parenting years. I would have come off much less pompous:).

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm skimming while my next load of laundry finishes in the dryer. So, I've only read the first post.

 

Look in the mirror. Arrange your face so that you look nice but firm.

 

Say: "I'm sorry, no, that's not going to work for us at this time." Repeat. Repeat it until you *believe* it and can say it with *conviction*.

[WyoSylvia]

Do you do private coaching? I need some of these skills. Maybe we should have group roll play with Parisarah!! I wish I had read this in my early parenting years. I would have come off much less pompous:).

:iagree:

Parisarah,

I am in my first year of teaching - K. I am available online MWF from 5 am - 7 am Mountain Time. I can make a killer Biscotti in lieu of payment.:D

[PariSarah]

I wish I had read this in my early parenting years. I would have come off much less pompous:).

 

. . . I learned this? Do I *look* like someone who learns this stuff the easy way?

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

I have the blessing? privilege? yes, let's go with blessing . . . of having an unnamed family member who reacts very ill to the sort of pomposity with which I used to be comfortable. I've been slow to learn, but I've finally learned some new tricks!

[PariSarah]

Biscotti!

 

The sign around PariSarah's neck says:

Grad Student. Will work for food!

[G5052]

I say, "Our family's priorities may be different than yours, but they're our priorities and I really don't feel that I need to defend them any further."

 

I actually did this over the phone last week with a homeschooling relative who still (after eight years) thinks that I'm abusing my children with so "much" academic work.

[klmama]

Wow! You all come up with such great answers! I've been offline all day and just came back to find my post on the first page. What a nice surprise! I'm going to remember what all of you said so I'm prepared when one of these types of situations comes up again! :)

 

I've had time to think more about the specific situations and I've decided that in situation #1 I'm just dealing with an outspoken person who jumps at all opportunities and likes us enough to wish we would come along. That's a compliment, even if it throws me a bit. She gave me a month notice, so it's not like I'd have to drop everything to do it. That has happened before (which is probably part of why I'm so uptight about it), but I can plan for this one. It's even something my dc would love to do and that I'd like them to do. In fact, if I'd read about it in print I would probably have wanted to do it, while being asked by a friend made me feel trapped. I wonder why that is? I really do need to loosen up a bit, and she knows me well enough to see it and isn't afraid to say it. I do appreciate that, even though I got my feathers ruffled. When I need to stick firmly to the schedule, though, I will definitely remember all of the great advice you all have given me! I feel much better prepared to handle it now!

 

In situation #2, I'm going to try PariSarah's idea of turning the conversation back to my friend's children. People love to talk about their dc, right? ;) If she really wants to know what I'm using, she'll ask. In fact, she just called me this afternoon to ask about what I'm using for math this year and how it's working. If she wants to know more about our history and science, she'll ask about that, too, and then I'll be happy to share what we do.

 

Wow, again. I can't believe how many of you took the time to give me such great advice! Thank you!!!!!!! You've made my evening!

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I had to go away and give it some serious thought before I could answer.

 

Partly I can do it because it's a standing joke between a group of moms that I school with and our boys. Who teaches them this stuff? Where do they learn it and how on earth do they remember it? We middle age moms can't remember any of it - we need the books.

 

Partly, it's that I try hard to avoid any hint of educational superiority creep into my conversations. I do think ds is further ahead than his ps counterparts but I won't be caught saying it in the real world and don't want to even intimate it.

 

Partly, I think it's spending lots of time with cultures that believe that the only way to answer a compliment - even an unintended one - is with self deprecation.

 

And no he isn't hurt by it - he laughs and is encouraged to continue to surprise me.