Joanne Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Words have power, and each individual chooses them as best fits their interpretation of a situation. I don't think we need to be the linguistic police, especially when phrases like "broken home" are the most accurate and fully realized description of what my parents did to their family. If someone wishes to call themselves child free they may, but that isn't the word I'd use to describe the situation, myself, when I fully believe they are 'less' something of great value. My view of the situation, my words to describe it. Their view, their word choice. We both have the right to expressive vocabulary regarding the world we witness. Then feel free to use it to describe YOUR family growing up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I know quite a few older women who don't have kids and they all seem pretty darn happy to me. My friends who are female and don't' have children have all been lesbian women. They are all in their 60s and 70s and I think that generation didn't feel like raising kids was easily available to them? My younger lesbian friends (and by 'younger' I now mean we are all in our 40s) are all married with families and several kids. Oh wait, I do know two woman who are both single and child free and straight. One is pretty clear that she never wanted kids. She just doesn't like them, so it is good she never had them. She is a perfectly nice person, just not a kid person. The other one is a teacher so she likes kids, but never wanted one of her own. In her words, she is meant to be an aunt, not a mom. My dh knows quite a few married hetero couples at work who do not have kids. Honestly, their lives look fantastic, lol. They make quite a bit of money (two full time incomes and no children to spend it on) and travel all over the world, live in very nice houses, ski and boat, and seem perfectly content. The ones he knows are all older now, so def no kids are coming. They seem to be having a blast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I use it where it applies. It doesn't apply to every situation, and for the record I wasn't the one who brought it into this thread, or started handslapping other posters for stating opinions on an Internet forum. I have no dog in this fight. but I do make a point to not give others power over me by taking offense over what they say. Their words don't dictate my reality or self perception unless I let them. And that's the end of this as far as I am concerned. How someone else responds to labeling isn't under my control, only my own feelings and words. I use what is needful as seems necessary, and try to weigh them carefully. That's all anyone can do. If ones lives their life with the goal of never offending another I think it's a path to endless disappointment, especially in the realm of words and labels. (Edited for clarity and typos). The bold is a huge leap. I find being sensitive to the expressed wishes of others when it comes to verbal labels takes nearly zero of my time, and little of my emotional resources. Your second paragraph reminds me of old school "walk away from the bully" advice. I'm not a total believer in Albert Ellis' theory behind REBT in which it is never the event, but my perspective/thinking on the event that dictates my feelings. I think it can be a useful skill (and I use it in therapy) but it is not a useful life paradigm to assume there is something wrong with ME when a person is unkind, microaggressive, or abusive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I only have 2 good friends around my age (late 30s/early 40s) who are childless but they (and their husbands) are childless by choice. Otherwise, everyone else I can think of at this age has children. Oh, I do have another old friend who has a long term partner who doesn't have kids. I don't know her thoughts on it but she is a travel writer and goes all around the world. She seems very happy. One friend from college just became a mom 2 weeks ago and is single. She always wanted to be a mom and since she hadn't found someone to spend her life with by now she used a donor. She has a lot of support from her family and friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have a friend who does not have children and she had become quite bitter over the years. She has worked on creating a life without children. She really wanted to have children. Adoption it's not an option for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I thought of one other married friend who doesn't have kids. I've never brought it up, as I don't think it is any of my business, but I have noticed that kids tend to irritate her. But then kids sometimes irritate me too. . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I don't know that I could correlate the happiness level to the having or not having of children... But I do have friends who are happy with and friends who are happy without. And I also have friends who are unhappy on both sides, as well. I will say that the happiest people I know who do not have children have not cut themselves off from other people's children. I'm glad to have all ages of people in my own life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Now that I think about it, I know very few who do not have children, by choice. My bil and his wife chose not to have children and seem very content with their decision. I had an older friend who didn't have children; I suspect because she married later in life. She seemed very content. I have two married nieces who have chosen not to have children; again, both seem happy and content. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Yes, it's a good thing to remember with older daughters, in particular. They can help mom and contribute to the family just like everyone else, but not to rely on them in any sort of role as a surrogate parent. Watching a sibling each day for half an hour during school time or the occasional overnight is way different than be the only one on diaper duty 24/7 or taking over cooking for two months so mom can get a break. The boundary had to be clear there, and if the older child is truly resenting the sibling watching chores I'm a big fan of switching to other tasks and leaving the baby holding to the family members who want to do so. There is plenty else to do! We really struggle in our family with keeping that balance - I've heard too many girls with the same story of having raised their siblings. Close family bonds and everyone working together is great, but I never, ever want my children to feel like we are not working alongside them, or giving parenting specific tasks to them in laziness or convenience. No way Jose. Well, I might be weird, but I loved taking care of my younger sibs, and I think it made me long to have children of my own that much more. Then again, I only had two much younger sibs to care for. If it had been 8 or 13, I might be singing a different tune. :P My mom had 6 kids, and I wanted "at least 6" as well. My friends used to tell me I scared men away by telling them how much I love kids and can't wait to have a bunch of them. LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I know many lovely women who are childless (most, by choice) and who seem just as happy as anyone else. My SIL and BIL chose not to have children because they both want to live a life of service. He has done many stints with Doctors Without Borders and she throws herself into the low-income immigrant community in their city to help in any way that she can. They also go on some pretty cool vacations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Well, I might be weird, but I loved taking care of my younger sibs, and I think it made me long to have children of my own that much more. Then again, I only had two much younger sibs to care for. If it had been 8 or 13, I might be singing a different tune. :p My mom had 6 kids, and I wanted "at least 6" as well. My friends used to tell me I scared men away by telling them how much I love kids and can't wait to have a bunch of them. LOL. The two young women I know both had moms who abdicated most of the childcare to the eldest (or eldest two) daughters. Both homeschooled at least some of the time too which only is significant because that meant that the older girls were there to do the childcare during most of the day. Both moms were my age and told me how much they loved having babies but didn't have the time or energy for the rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have one friend who doesn't have kids. Yep, she's happy. Me too. She's on vacation with other single friends in New Orleans. I'm cleaning up pee puddles while looking at her beignet pics and wondering what the heck I was thinking. At least it isn't Bora Bora like last year. Sigh. I have work acquaintances without kids who seem happy, but I don't know them very well. They look fairly horrified when kid stories come up, so I'd guess they are good with their choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Yes, I do. Three of my closest high school girlfriends are childless. One never married; the other two are married. Yes, they are happy. They lead healthy full lives. They don't celebrate or mourn their childlessness, it's just the lives that they lead. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have single, childless friends from college who want children in their lives and I have married, childfree friends from college (an elementary principal, in fact) who do not want to raise children and never did. Their happiness has nothing to do with the presence or lack of children, however, and everything to do with whether they are doing what they want to be doing at this point in their lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have no childless friends who are that way by choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kentuckymom Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I have a surprisingly (when I think about it) large number of female friends and relatives who do not have children. Two friends who are my age (late 30's) would love to marry and have children, but don't want children if they don't find the right mean. They're concentrating on their careers and their pets and seem happy for the most part. One friend in her late 20's is adamant that she does not want children and never has. She babysits for us occasionally and has grown to like my children in particular, but she does not like children in general. I think she would be very unhappy as a mother. Two of my mother's sisters never had children. One died childless about 10 years ago. One married a man with a teenage son when she was in her 50's. Another friend slightly older than I (early 40's) married a man with grown children when she was in her 30's. He'd already had a vasectomy and they decided together that they didn't want to pursue having children together. She seems to have a good relationship with his adult children and now his first grandchild. My brother's fiancee (late 20's) says that she has never wanted children. He has always said that as well. They're great with their nieces and nephews and I think they'd be good parents, but they enjoy their carefree lifestyle. They love to hike and camp, and every winter they use money they've saved the rest of the year to spend 2-3 weeks in some tropical locale. I must admit I somewhat envied their carefree childless lifestyle when I read about them sitting on the deck of their hotel sipping tropical drinks while I dealt with a sick three year old. Another friend (early 40's) originally thought she'd like to marry about have children, but, as the progressed through her 30's and didn't meet the right man, she decided to concentrate on other things. She's heavily involved in lay ministry through her church, loves her career, and has the freedom to, for instance, use her frequent flier miles to take a fairly spontaneous trip to Paris. She seems to be happy. Another friend got married in her mid 40's to a man in his 50's and they decided they didn't want children. Yet another friend, in her 50's, is on her third (and first happy) marriage. She didn't even consider having children with the first two husbands because the marriages had so many problems. She says she would have liked to have had children if she'd met her current husband first, but it wasn't in the cards. They're both high school teachers and invest a lot in their students. They also have horses that probably require more time and care than some children :). So, yeah, I guess I can say a lot of women who are either childless by choice or who have reconciled themselves to their childlessness by circumstance and are happy with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I had forgotten my cousin, who was unmarried and childless by choice when she passed away three years ago of breast cancer. She was very happy. She was a fifth grade teacher and she always told men she dated that she had 35 kids every year, no interest in having more, but she would love to be married to someone who also loved animals (she was an amateur horse trainer) who just wanted a good life with no kids. She was a beautiful, fun woman, but she got no takers on that. As she got older most men had kids, and she didn't want step kids, so her range narrowed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 That's a tough one. My one childless friend, would have liked to have children. She went through a divorce in her "prime" and took a while to remarry. Now it's too late. However, I know two childless older couples, one childless by choice and the other through infertility and they are not happy to be childless. They are worried about who will take care of them, they are lonely on holidays, it is difficult for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I have two single friends who never have been married, and have no children. We never have discussed the topic, and it would not occur to me to enquire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cafdog Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I have quite a few child-free female friends, some by choice, others I do not know if by choice (never asked). I met most of them in college and graduate school. They all have interesting jobs and lives, and I'd be lying if I didn't envy their freedom, their careers and their disposable income for travel just the tiniest bit. I don't know if they envy my child-having situation. I think all of us are pretty happy with our life choices overall. Full disclosure. I was one of those people who thought they NEVER wanted children until I was about 30. I have a very persuasive hubby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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