How non-homeschoolers can help homeschoolers

[Alte Veste Academy]

In this thread I've been told to "but out" and "keep personal comments to a minimum." I'm curious to konow whether that only applies if the homeschooler in question never talks about homeschool (which makes sense but doesn't fit the situation) or if that advice still applies but in a way I don't understand.

 

Here's my level of judgement: Homeschooling can be hard. I have certain advantages. She has other advantages, very real ones, but she also has some disadvantages. She's close to me and a friend. I think I can help, but I worry that, because she knows she has some disadvantages, she will feel judged. This thread, while it has made me feel judged and quite upset at times, has been worth it because it has shown me areas where I should tread extra lightly as many homeschoolers, at least on this board, were quite touchy about them. I was worried that providing material support would be the most likely to offend given the economic situation, but if this thread is any indication, that's the safest way to go (babysitting, inviting along to outings, reading books as presents).

You think you can help...with the disadvantages you have observed or with issues she has expressed? Because that is the difference in my mind. If in the course of conversation with you she expresses a need for help with something, by all means respond with what you know. But it sounds more like she hasn't asked for help and you want to offer to help her improve in areas she either isn't interested in working on or areas in which she, according to you, is unaware of the possibilities.

 

I am getting touchy about homeschoolers being touchy. LOL I don't think it is specific to homeschooling, as I said above. It is about someone outside any experience presuming to judge and correct someone inside the experience. As a social work student in college, I had to do an internship. I worked at the county MHMR (mental health/mental retardation services). They had me teaching parenting classes. I had studied parenting. I was a certified parenting instructor. I knew a lot about parenting. A lot. Even now, at age 42, a mother of three kids, I recognize how much I knew, how valuable all my training was. I knew lots that these parents didn't. But I had no experience. I had no children. I had never been kept up all night by a newborn. I had never been to the ER or stayed up all night with a sick child. I had never dealt with a picky eater. I had never picked up a child from school after a fight (or yet another fight). I had never had a pregnant teen. I had never watched my child struggle to speak, read, regulate emotions... I had never had to access services for a severely disabled or disturbed child. I wasn't married. I had not yet run a household, been responsible for providing food, clothing, and shelter for a child or family. A financial crisis for me was not having enough money to do dinner and a movie on any given weekend. So essentially, I knew nothing. My book knowledge was real, but it existed in a vacuum, without the benefit of understanding and empathy. It was a boatload of knowledge in a sea of ignorance. I taught parenting classes to dozens of parents who had no choice but to accept my instruction. I would like to go back and spit in my own eye, and I have said that since my first year of parenting. Those poor people! To have to listen to a perky 20 year old college student teach them parenting! Their children had enormous challenges, some heavy duty diagnoses, and so they also had enormous challenges. They deserved so much better than me. They deserved not to be judged or educated by someone who had never walked in their shoes.

 

So, again, it's not about touchy homeschoolers. It's about humans, because none of us like to be judged and made into projects by someone who doesn't know the real deal.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

AVA, that's the phrase that's been coming to mind as I consider this thread:

 

People are not projects.

[Xahm]

This will likely be my last response since I've gotten the advice I needed. I do want to say, I never intended to tell this woman how to teach her daughter or interfere at that level at all. Sorry if I gave that impression, but I suspect that has more to do with your prior experiences than with what I actually said. I don't fault you for that. Gaining the benefit of those experiences is why I asked here and did not make it a JAWM. Thank you for your help. 

[Coco_Clark]

Your response may have been tinted a bit by past experience, but it don't think that negates the point. If that many homeschoolers on this board are touchy about unsolicited advice because of past experience, I think you are safe to assume most homeschoolers you know IRL will be as well.

 

And the fact that you jump to the conclusion that every single one of us are basing our response on past experiences and "not what you said" is further evidence that you are not as good at diplomacy as you think you are. That's ok. I'm not good at diplomacy either. It's a good thing to know about oneself, however.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Yeah, I'm rotten at diplomacy. Conflict doesn't bother me much, so I don't work very hard to avoid it. I am probably overly assertive, which might explain why no one has ever given me unsolicited homeschooling advice in real life. :tongue_smilie: At any rate, no prior experience dealing with interlopers clouding my advice here.

[abacus2]

I don't know about others, but my comments do not come from "touchiness" about previous experience. My experience comes from my similarity to you OP. I know a lot about a lot of things, tend to obsess on things to the point of becoming an expert, and I tend to overshare all of my great ideas about how others can do better. I have learned to be a better friend. I know that when I am focused on what I want to share I miss getting to know my friends and understand them. I have learned that when others don't see things the way I do, it generally isn't because no one has explained (my obviously correct view) to them.

 

My life is richer when I focus on caring for my friends rather than teaching them. Things I learn can be helpful, of course, but that is a small piece of a strong friendship.

 

 

[SarahW]

And don't assume all the responses here are from highly-educated, financially comfortable SAHMs.

 

Oh, I know. I'm only two out of three.

 

I'm just pointing out the terrible incongruity of people who have the luxury to discuss a book like Norms and Nobility online boldly stating that a mom who is working to keep her family afloat and also homeschooling doesn't need to have her friends offer support.

 

 

 

Seriously, the OP shouldn't help her friend at all? Are any of you guys being serious? smh.

 

Maybe all you guys are perfect, and don't need any help. But maybe other homeschooling moms (you know, the ones who don't have the luxury to hang around on homeschool message boards all day) could use a hand. The OP was asking how she could do that. Maybe some helpful advice would be in order?

 

I, for one, am forever and eternally grateful for whoever the person was who suggested that my mom put me in 4H when I was being homeschooled in middle school. My mom didn't think of it, none of us knew anything about 4H, but someone was wise enough to mention it. If it was not for that person I would not have learned a d@mn thing in middle school. Not a d@mn thing. So sorry, but I am so glad that one person in this world stuck their nose in a bit. So glad. I am also grateful for the cast off public school or vintage school books that people left at our house. I wish people had stuck their nose in more, given me a booklist or something, or told us where I could direct my interests instead of wandering around aimlessly for years. But yeah, most people didn't care. Great. Just great.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Oh, I know. I'm only two out of three.

 

I'm just pointing out the terrible incongruity of people who have the luxury to discuss a book like Norms and Nobility online boldly stating that a mom who is working to keep her family afloat and also homeschooling doesn't need to have her friends offer support.

 

 

 

Seriously, the OP shouldn't help her friend at all? Are any of you guys being serious? smh.

 

Maybe all you guys are perfect, and don't need any help. But maybe other homeschooling moms (you know, the ones who don't have the luxury to hang around on homeschool message boards all day) could use a hand. The OP was asking how she could do that. Maybe some helpful advice would be in order?

 

I, for one, am forever and eternally grateful for whoever the person was who suggested that my mom put me in 4H when I was being homeschooled in middle school. My mom didn't think of it, none of us knew anything about 4H, but someone was wise enough to mention it. If it was not for that person I would not have learned a d@mn thing in middle school. Not a d@mn thing. So sorry, but I am so glad that one person in this world stuck their nose in a bit. So glad. I am also grateful for the cast off public school or vintage school books that people left at our house. I wish people had stuck their nose in more, given me a booklist or something, or told us where I could direct my interests instead of wandering around aimlessly for years. But yeah, most people didn't care. Great. Just great.

You are projecting. And you are still assuming way too much about the membership of these boards. Some of these overly busy people discussing books on education are doing so after teaching all their dc and working in or outside the home, in the same snatch of time someone else might watch half an hour of television and fold laundry, because that is their priority and choice. (Others of us discuss climbing Parnassus or a website instead, because our library doesn't have N and N and we can't afford the fifty bucks to buy it....)

[maize]

This will likely be my last response since I've gotten the advice I needed. I do want to say, I never intended to tell this woman how to teach her daughter or interfere at that level at all. Sorry if I gave that impression, but I suspect that has more to do with your prior experiences than with what I actually said. I don't fault you for that. Gaining the benefit of those experiences is why I asked here and did not make it a JAWM. Thank you for your help.

Maybe the word "support" could take the place of "help" in your original post.

[Xahm]

Maybe the word "support" could take the place of "help" in your original post.

 

Lesson learned. :)

[Alte Veste Academy]

Seriously, the OP shouldn't help her friend at all? Are any of you guys being serious? smh.

Friends help friends. Of course she should help. Without a hidden agenda. I don't know. Personally, I have never felt the need to strategize about how to offer help in a friendship. I am biased against disingenuous behavior as a part of friendship.

[HS Mom in NC]

 

Oh, I know. I'm only two out of three.

 

I'm just pointing out the terrible incongruity of people who have the luxury to discuss a book like Norms and Nobility online boldly stating that a mom who is working to keep her family afloat and also homeschooling doesn't need to have her friends offer support.

 

 

 

Seriously, the OP shouldn't help her friend at all? Are any of you guys being serious? smh.

 

Maybe all you guys are perfect, and don't need any help. But maybe other homeschooling moms (you know, the ones who don't have the luxury to hang around on homeschool message boards all day) could use a hand. The OP was asking how she could do that. Maybe some helpful advice would be in order?

 

I, for one, am forever and eternally grateful for whoever the person was who suggested that my mom put me in 4H when I was being homeschooled in middle school. My mom didn't think of it, none of us knew anything about 4H, but someone was wise enough to mention it. If it was not for that person I would not have learned a d@mn thing in middle school. Not a d@mn thing. So sorry, but I am so glad that one person in this world stuck their nose in a bit. So glad. I am also grateful for the cast off public school or vintage school books that people left at our house. I wish people had stuck their nose in more, given me a booklist or something, or told us where I could direct my interests instead of wandering around aimlessly for years. But yeah, most people didn't care. Great. Just great.

 

 

Context is important here. The OP pointed out that the child in question is doing well academically. This is not a case of child being educationally neglected, so examples related to educational neglect aren't applicable to this situation. Several of us DID state that if a child is being academically neglected then the OP should intervene by either discussing it with the mother or reporting her.

 

No one said it was a matter of being perfect or never needing help. We're pointing out that there is no observable problem and that unsolicited advice from an inexperienced source is generally not well received for good reason.

 

You can't respond to all situations based on your one particular situation which was clearly a bad situation. You have to match up apples to apples and oranges to oranges.

 

There are plenty of people here who homeschool and work full or part time. They are not all in need our "support" in the sense that we need to give them unsolicited advice out of our lack of experience. They're perfectly capable people and can articulate what they need help with and we're happy to oblige. But there's the difference-they ask for it first before we go telling them.

 

The mom in question did tell the OP how to offer support. She wants grade level workbooks. The OP seems to have trouble accepting that the mom in question knows what kind of support she needs.

[8filltheheart]

The difference Sarah is she stated the dd is excelling and the friend didn't ask for advice or help. I discuss homeschooling approaches with my friends when they ask. But I am not going to "correct" their thinking to my POV. This is a hard enough job without thinking your friends are analyzing your accomplishments and deciding whether or not their ideas are superior. When someone says they anticipate similar weaknesses in the future with other friends, it is more than simple concern and friendship.

[ocelotmom]

I'm just pointing out the terrible incongruity of people who have the luxury to discuss a book like Norms and Nobility online boldly stating that a mom who is working to keep her family afloat and also homeschooling doesn't need to have her friends offer support.

 

I work between 40 and 60 hours a week in three jobs as the primary income for my family. I participate on these boards. Not really a huge luxury. I don't do a whole lot else in the way of time-wasting activities.

 

Though I have never read Norms and Nobility, discussed it, or have the first clue what it's about, for that matter.

 

No one is saying help is bad. At least I'm not. From the initial post, it sounded like she wants to help not so much out of kindness to a capable-but-busy mom, but because she feels, without any basis that is clear from her post, that the mother needs some help to get her sh*t together.

 

Offering to pick up books at a book sale is kindness. Assuming the mom is lacking in the planning department because she doesn't have a list of specific items is not. That's all I'm saying.

[Stellalarella]

You are projecting. And you are still assuming way too much about the membership of these boards. Some of these overly busy people discussing books on education are doing so after teaching all their dc and working in or outside the home, in the same snatch of time someone else might watch half an hour of television and fold laundry, because that is their priority and choice. (Others of us discuss climbing Parnassus or a website instead, because our library doesn't have N and N and we can't afford the fifty bucks to buy it....)

 

WHA?  Where have I been and missed the bus on Norms and Nobility and Parnassus??

 

man, there are two copies of N and N in my library system and they are either on HOLD or checked out.  Which ones of you burning-the-candle-at-both-ends homeschool teachers got them first?? :) Onto the wait list I go.....   :)

[FO4UR]

ftr, I meant my previous post with kindness, for the sake of your friendship.

 

 

I do discuss HSing issues all the time, with all sorts of people.  That is not the issue.

 

Your friend is doing a great job HSing. She has a LOT to juggle daily. Influencing her to change even one small thing disrupts the balance of her life. Without the wisdom of experience, you might unwittingly harm their homeschool instead of help.  AVA is a wise woman.  Read her posts 3x.  Let them soak in.

 

 

When I discuss HSing, I am careful to couch things in this is what we do, have done, works for us, flopped on this kid, worked on that kid, etc...  You don't have that perspective yet.  When you can speak from experience, your friends can hear you and learn from your successes and failures without feeling judged or unduly "influenced." Right now, you are in the position of learning from your friend's successes and failures. 

 

Honestly, if you were to approach me irl as stated in your op, I would kindly smile and nod. (What could I reply that wouldn't either encourage unsolicited advice or hurt your feelings?) Then I would chuckle all the way home as I remembered how naively I had 12 years of homeschool study mapped out for my babes still in pull-ups.  

[FriedClams]

I would advise that you say nothing. If I read your profile correctly, I see you have a 2 and 3 year old. I don't see any way that your giving advice on how to manage life and schooling to a working mom who is busy with school aged kids is going to end well. You may be 100% right, and 100% well intentioned, but experience leads me to believe it will not be appreciated.

[Xahm]

I'm going to violate my dis-engagement because I really do care about the opinions you are sharing with me. I respect many of you who are criticizing me, despite the fact that I don't know you. I came here with a question. It was a very half-baked, ill-formed question. Through your criticism, and even some support, you helped me realize both what the question was and what the answer is.

Here goes what I should have asked: I have a friend who is homeschooling. She's doing an amazing job, but she's got the deck stacked against her in some ways economically and socially. She's pretty much family, and I want to know, how can I, as someone who is not a homeschooler, be helpful and supportive to her?  We see each other often, and she often brings up how and what her child is doing. I will admit that part of my brain, the part that loves to plan and thinks I know best, would love to try to take over, but I know this is a horrible, no-good idea that would not help me, the mother, the child, and certainly not our friendship. One thing I've already done is tell her about a great used book sale in the area. She was excited, but the timing didn't work out for her to go. I offered to pick up books for her. She made some requests, including for workbooks at her child's level. I really don't like the idea of a bunch of workbooks, I'll admit again, but that's not my business. I honored her request, picking up a few workbooks, a few early readers, and a couple of books that I happen to know they will be really excited about.  It makes me feel good to be helpful in this way, but when I see how hard she's working, I want to do more! What can I do for her, and what can I do for my other friends who are also planning to homeschool despite some difficult circumstances?

And here's what I have figured out the answer is, thanks to your supportive and critical comments:  Being a friend is helping, even if it feels like I should be doing more. What she likely needs is that listening, non-judgmental ear. Babysitting during a conference, or just so she can go to a coffee shop and have a few minutes to herself, would probably also be a good thing to offer. She's doing an amazing feat of balancing life already, and I should learn from that. When amazing opportunities come up, I should let her know about them with no expectations. When I come across a book I think her child would love, I'll pass it along and then be sure not to, especially not surreptitiously, check to see if it was read. If she has any worries, I'll talk with her about them, and she'll probably come up with the right answer without me saying much at all. Just keep developing friendship, keep being there for her, and that will help her, and me, more than anything I could plan out.

[8filltheheart]

I'm going to violate my dis-engagement because I really do care about the opinions you are sharing with me. I respect many of you who are criticizing me, despite the fact that I don't know you. I came here with a question. It was a very half-baked, ill-formed question. Through your criticism, and even some support, you helped me realize both what the question was and what the answer is.

Here goes what I should have asked: I have a friend who is homeschooling. She's doing an amazing job, but she's got the deck stacked against her in some ways economically and socially. She's pretty much family, and I want to know, how can I, as someone who is not a homeschooler, be helpful and supportive to her?  We see each other often, and she often brings up how and what her child is doing. I will admit that part of my brain, the part that loves to plan and thinks I know best, would love to try to take over, but I know this is a horrible, no-good idea that would not help me, the mother, the child, and certainly not our friendship. One thing I've already done is tell her about a great used book sale in the area. She was excited, but the timing didn't work out for her to go. I offered to pick up books for her. She made some requests, including for workbooks at her child's level. I really don't like the idea of a bunch of workbooks, I'll admit again, but that's not my business. I honored her request, picking up a few workbooks, a few early readers, and a couple of books that I happen to know they will be really excited about.  It makes me feel good to be helpful in this way, but when I see how hard she's working, I want to do more! What can I do for her, and what can I do for my other friends who are also planning to homeschool despite some difficult circumstances?

And here's what I have figured out the answer is, thanks to your supportive and critical comments:  Being a friend is helping, even if it feels like I should be doing more. What she likely needs is that listening, non-judgmental ear. Babysitting during a conference, or just so she can go to a coffee shop and have a few minutes to herself, would probably also be a good thing to offer. She's doing an amazing feat of balancing life already, and I should learn from that. When amazing opportunities come up, I should let her know about them with no expectations. When I come across a book I think her child would love, I'll pass it along and then be sure not to, especially not surreptitiously, check to see if it was read. If she has any worries, I'll talk with her about them, and she'll probably come up with the right answer without me saying much at all. Just keep developing friendship, keep being there for her, and that will help her, and me, more than anything I could plan out.

 

This sounds like a wonderful approach and the way to develop a deep and valued friendship.  Your earnest concern for her working through her hardships will be a blessing b/c it will be simply supportive.  :) 

[Dory]

I'm going to violate my dis-engagement because I really do care about the opinions you are sharing with me. I respect many of you who are criticizing me, despite the fact that I don't know you. I came here with a question. It was a very half-baked, ill-formed question. Through your criticism, and even some support, you helped me realize both what the question was and what the answer is.

Here goes what I should have asked: I have a friend who is homeschooling. She's doing an amazing job, but she's got the deck stacked against her in some ways economically and socially. She's pretty much family, and I want to know, how can I, as someone who is not a homeschooler, be helpful and supportive to her?  We see each other often, and she often brings up how and what her child is doing. I will admit that part of my brain, the part that loves to plan and thinks I know best, would love to try to take over, but I know this is a horrible, no-good idea that would not help me, the mother, the child, and certainly not our friendship. One thing I've already done is tell her about a great used book sale in the area. She was excited, but the timing didn't work out for her to go. I offered to pick up books for her. She made some requests, including for workbooks at her child's level. I really don't like the idea of a bunch of workbooks, I'll admit again, but that's not my business. I honored her request, picking up a few workbooks, a few early readers, and a couple of books that I happen to know they will be really excited about.  It makes me feel good to be helpful in this way, but when I see how hard she's working, I want to do more! What can I do for her, and what can I do for my other friends who are also planning to homeschool despite some difficult circumstances?

And here's what I have figured out the answer is, thanks to your supportive and critical comments:  Being a friend is helping, even if it feels like I should be doing more. What she likely needs is that listening, non-judgmental ear. Babysitting during a conference, or just so she can go to a coffee shop and have a few minutes to herself, would probably also be a good thing to offer. She's doing an amazing feat of balancing life already, and I should learn from that. When amazing opportunities come up, I should let her know about them with no expectations. When I come across a book I think her child would love, I'll pass it along and then be sure not to, especially not surreptitiously, check to see if it was read. If she has any worries, I'll talk with her about them, and she'll probably come up with the right answer without me saying much at all. Just keep developing friendship, keep being there for her, and that will help her, and me, more than anything I could plan out.

 

I've just been an observer in this thread, but now that you've worded the question rather well, I thought I'd pipe up.

 

If the friend has asked for advice or help and has been receptive to your input or help in the past, then by all means keep helping. If there is a specific subject you are good at, you could say something like, "You know, if you ever need a break in the afternoon or sometime, I wouldn't mind taking  (child) and she could do (subject) at my place while you get some other stuff done. I'd love to help in that way if you ever want or need it." Some mom's I know would be receptive to that.

 

I am a researcher by nature, and I tend to be a bit of a know-it-all sometimes. I have had to learn, over the years, to gauge how much help people want carefully. Some people I have to wait for them to ask every time and just leave them with the knowledge that I am willing. Some people are more open to a suggestion here or there or an observation, so long as I am willing to take their observations in my own life.

 

It can be hard to take help or advice if it always feels one sided. Let her feel like there is something about the relationship with her that you value. Let her feel that she is also contributing. It's easier to take help from a friend if you feel like something you do feeds back into them.

 

Good luck. And really, don't get insulted by the ladies here. Advice online always comes across blunt, but they give amazing advice and this board is full of the most amazing information. The people here are really rather awe inspiring at times.

 

[Stellalarella]

Thank you for sharing,  xahm.  

[Lucy the Valiant]

You know what? You learn fast, kid.

 

Keep asking questions, keep on caring, keep on researching for your own dear babies, and keep that spirit of gracious teach-a-bility you have going on there. You are going to do just fine with your own kiddos, and I'm glad for both you and your friend that you have each other to lean on as you walk this sometimes-too-hard road of life ahead.

 

You're on the right track, 100%. And I speak from experience. ;)

 

 

I'm going to violate my dis-engagement because I really do care about the opinions you are sharing with me. I respect many of you who are criticizing me, despite the fact that I don't know you. I came here with a question. It was a very half-baked, ill-formed question. Through your criticism, and even some support, you helped me realize both what the question was and what the answer is.

Here goes what I should have asked: I have a friend who is homeschooling. She's doing an amazing job, but she's got the deck stacked against her in some ways economically and socially. She's pretty much family, and I want to know, how can I, as someone who is not a homeschooler, be helpful and supportive to her?  We see each other often, and she often brings up how and what her child is doing. I will admit that part of my brain, the part that loves to plan and thinks I know best, would love to try to take over, but I know this is a horrible, no-good idea that would not help me, the mother, the child, and certainly not our friendship. One thing I've already done is tell her about a great used book sale in the area. She was excited, but the timing didn't work out for her to go. I offered to pick up books for her. She made some requests, including for workbooks at her child's level. I really don't like the idea of a bunch of workbooks, I'll admit again, but that's not my business. I honored her request, picking up a few workbooks, a few early readers, and a couple of books that I happen to know they will be really excited about.  It makes me feel good to be helpful in this way, but when I see how hard she's working, I want to do more! What can I do for her, and what can I do for my other friends who are also planning to homeschool despite some difficult circumstances?

And here's what I have figured out the answer is, thanks to your supportive and critical comments:  Being a friend is helping, even if it feels like I should be doing more. What she likely needs is that listening, non-judgmental ear. Babysitting during a conference, or just so she can go to a coffee shop and have a few minutes to herself, would probably also be a good thing to offer. She's doing an amazing feat of balancing life already, and I should learn from that. When amazing opportunities come up, I should let her know about them with no expectations. When I come across a book I think her child would love, I'll pass it along and then be sure not to, especially not surreptitiously, check to see if it was read. If she has any worries, I'll talk with her about them, and she'll probably come up with the right answer without me saying much at all. Just keep developing friendship, keep being there for her, and that will help her, and me, more than anything I could plan out.

 

[Mom22ns]

I love that you see a friend struggling and you want to help. I know you've had it a bit rough on this thread, but I want to start by referencing you to another recent thread here. It isn't aimed at you at all, but there is a frequent theme that runs through it saying, if you haven't already homeschooled through high school, kids similar to mine - please don't think you can advise me. As homeschooling parents we frequently get armchair quarterbacked by family and friends. It is a sore spot. I want you to know that the tough time you are getting here is indicative of how much unintentional hurt you will cause her and your friendship if you intrude in the wrong way.

 

That said, I also see that you really want to help. I think you have already been given good suggestions on this. You will be around, that alone is wonderful support. Being around without offering advice is even better support :). Having a friend she can talk to without fear of judgement (and advice will make her feel judged) is priceless. Offering babysitting so she can attend a conference, paying her admission into the conference, getting a sitter and going with her to the conference - all great. Depending on the relationship, you might even be able to offer to buy things you both like with the understanding she can use them now and you hope to use them in the future... 

 

I think the keys here are to NEVER try to give advice. Don't offer books that offer advice unless she asks for them. Don't try to plan (which you said you realize is a bad idea even though you want to), don't try to give suggestions, don't try to teach. All of these are sacred cows to homeschoolers. Don't touch them. When it comes to getting directly involved in their homeschool do so only at direct invitation and even some insistence. Make sure you didn't wear her down or worm your way in. You WILL destroy the friendship in the long run in spite of good intentions if you are not very careful. 

 

Honestly, no one wants to hurt you. Everyone can see you want to help. I'm sorry the warnings have hurt. I promise all the people who say they mean it gently and sincerely really do. I'm proud of you for sticking it out and trying to figure out how to help.

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's a tough one.  My gut reaction says just don't go there.

 

 

[Barb_]

Nice job! That was incredibly brave of you to come back here and reword your op after you've felt raked over the coals. I admire your fortitude. Really. It's tough to bite your tongue when you feel like you just get it faster than others do. I don't know how old you are, but I suspect you are a lot more mature and willing to learn than I was at a similar age.

[FO4UR]

xahm, that is perfect! 

 

Simply being her friend and a healthy role model for her dd is the BEST help!  Running to to used book sales with a list from her is helpful too if no strings are attached. 

 

 

[Goldilocks]

I just want to echo what Dory said about offering to teach a specific subject or skill to the child.  I would love it if a friend of mine wanted to take one of my children for a class that takes a lot of teacher preparation (art, science experiments, literature) or a skill that I don't have or takes time to teach. You could offer a 4-week class, and see how it goes.  

[Arcadia]

Since you said in your first post that more friends might need help, how about hosting a weekly or monthly mommy and me play date so kids can play with each other, moms can chat and browse your book collection.

[MotherOfBoys]

I would change topic if that's all she wants to talk about. Then, if she still brings it up, which I understand because it is a big part of her life, I would offer suggestions or ask "I can do some research for you on that if you want?" I have no problem giving advice in my home or a public place. It does get weird ignoring the homeschooling elephant in the room. If you want to be close friends with her then you have to come to agreement on how to respond to each other about this. Obviously, be careful.

 

I'm the type of person that likes a sounding board friend, with good intentions for my children, that isn't in competition with my children. Your children are not close in age, great!

 

My friends that I can't discuss hsing with (the biggest part of my typical day) are the shallow friendships, acquaintances. It is useful to offer her a break hour of babysitting and encouraging words too.