PrincessMommy Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 My son was invited to a Bar Mitzvah and this will be our first experience. When I was looking at the fine-print yesterday and I noticed that it starts at 9am and goes until 5pm. It does say the party portion is from 1-5 but doesn't say anything similar about the service...so I am left to assume that the service is from 9-12:30ish? That just seems like a very long day. And...of course, it's complicated. My son is at a new school and doesn't know all the kids well yet, there's a rule about inviting everyone in the class if you're going to invite more than 50% (it's a small school), we have family in town that weekend, and apparently this kid doesn't have a lot of friends. I asked son about the boy and he said he knew him but not well..he was okay with going, thinking that some of the kids he knows better will be there. I was leaning towards having him go until I saw how long it was! He'd be gone all day. We might send him with one of our phones (he doesn't have one yet)...but I don't think either of us want to go to the service since we'll have family here. Is that even appropriate? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Not all that unusual in some areas. There is the service, the reception right after ( with food), there also might be a bus to take kids to a new venue. ( which can be anything). Then there might be dinner, dancing, entertainment, music. Send him with a phone and try not to worry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Yes, It can be that long. I had a student who was Orthodox Jewish. My family was invited to her brother's Bar Mitzvah. Same deal with the not really being able to say no. It honestly took For.Ev.Er. It was a wonderful cultural experience for our whole family, but it was a very full day. Considering this only happens once in a Jewish boy's life, I felt like we could take a day to honor him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Library Momma Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 My experience is with a Reform congregation. Usually friends of the Bar Mitzvah are dropped off and all sit together. I've never seen the parents of a child invited stay for the service but there is no reason you couldn't. It is probably over by 11:00 or 11:30 and then would need a ride to the reception at 1:00 (unless it's at the synagogue as well). It's similar to going to a wedding where you have the ceremony and then later the reception. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 My daughter's friend's Bat Mitzvah was about the same.....3 hours service time at their church. This was in morning and lasted to about 12 or 1. Everyone parted ways until those of us who were called back to the dinner/reception that evening. I don't remember but I think that was about 6 - 10 or so...give or take. There was food, dancing, gifts, social...it was nice but it was long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Do you know how traditional / what movement the family is? More traditional communities generally have longer services, but not a full-blown party immediately following (just a light luncheon, as Sabbath restrictions still apply at that time of day). More progressive communities might have a party immediately following, but generally have at least somewhat shorter services. Many families on all levels of observances choose to have a sort of hiatus between the morning service and then do a party later in the evening after the Sabbath has finished. As a new friend who is not from the community, it would be perfectly OK for your son to choose to go either just to the service, or just to the party -- I'd maybe call to get a better understanding of the timing of the day, and then decide from there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 DD13's Bat-Mitzvah service was 10-12:30, with a luncheon immediately following. Then, an evening celebration 6:30 to 11:30. You could always bring your son a bit late, say 10/10:30, and he won't miss his friend's portion of the service. You can call the synagogue office yourself and ask how long a typical Bar-Mitzvah service lasts there. That way, you'll know whether to leave your son all day, or if he'll need a ride back to the party at 1:00. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Call and talk to the parents. The Orthodox side of my family is very open and accommodating to the needs of other families, especially kids. In general, they didn't expect non-members of the community to attend in the morning (the service part) but we're delighted to have more guests join them for a meal and social stuff afterward. My sister would be very understanding and helpful if you were to call with questions, etc about the day, and she'd help guide you to an easier day for your kiddo. Hopefully your child's new friend's family will be as helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Are you sure your ds is expected to attend the service? In our area, most of the kids seem to just be invited to the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 We had this issue recently, and my daughter went to evening party only. The email from the mom sort of hinted that that was expected from her non-Jewish friends, so we took the hint and ran with it. My daughter also had a conflict with the service, so we had a built-in excuse. This was not someone we knew well enough for her to really expect an entire day of my daughter's life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 We unwittingly did one of these only knowing the start time. Our best friends, and my daughter's best friend since toddlerhood, was getting Bat Mizvahed. It was a three hour ceremony. The kids did most of it . . . lots of memorization. It was impressive, but I'd do it differently if I had to do it again. Here's what I learned: 1. It's not tacky to give money as a gift. Not at all. Multiples of ? preferred (someone will remind us). 2. The hair clips are for holding on the yarmulkes. Your son will need to put one on and use the hair clips to hold it in place, or spend the entire service picking it up and putting it back on. 3. Only immediate family and unsuspecting Christian friends actually show up on time. Seriously. The Rabbi even joked about it. The rest of the congregation trickles in closer to party time and catches the last 60-90 minutes of the service. I'm not kidding. I swear a few men were having a business meeting in the back. 4. It's a lot like mass with all of the "turn to page x" and standing up and sitting down. (Replace Latin with Hebrew) If you turn to the wrong page in the wrong book you will end up reading about Nazis. You just will. 5. It was a beautiful service and quite the experience, but not one I need to repeat in it's entirety. I went late to subsequent bar/bat mitzvahs and it was FINE. 6. It was freezing. All those shawls are as much a protection from the elements as they are religious. Dress conservatively and in layers if possible. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Multiples of 18. Shana Tova. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 thanks everyone. I called the mom. They're not particularly religious- per her words. She recommended we show up late. Didn't seem to give me an "out" to only show up for the party, so I didn't push it. What is multiples of 18?? You give someone $72 instead of $75? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 What is multiples of 18?? You give someone $72 instead of $75? Exactly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 What is multiples of 18?? It's sometimes customary to give money gifts in multiples of $18. So, $36, $54, $72... etc. The number 18 is "chai" which means life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 It's sometimes customary to give money gifts in multiples of $18. So, $36, $54, $72... etc. The number 18 is "chai" which means life. Another thing to remember is that, while $36 may seem like a generous present at a regular birthday party, your ds may walk away with that amount if stuff in a goody bag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 Another thing to remember is that, while $36 may seem like a generous present at a regular birthday party, your ds may walk away with that amount if stuff in a goody bag. But also, you have given eight hours of your life. . .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 But also, you have given eight hours of your life. . .. At least, lol. We have been invited to celebrations that begin Saturday with the service and a lunch, followed by the big party on Sunday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 This makes a lot of sense if some of the guests live a long way from the venue. It saves them from making 2 round trips, one for the ceremony in the Synagogue/Temple and another trip to the party. It is however, a *long* day. L'shanah tovah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 Another thing to remember is that a gift is a gift, not a payment for the goody bag. Well, obviously not, lol. But, the first bar/bat mitzvah our family went to was so lavish -- food, entertainment, everything, much more than I had expected -- that I felt a bit miserly. The family were long time friends, and I wish I had given more. Just saying that even people who live modestly and who do not normally spoil their kids can go all out for a bar/ bat mitzvah in a way that might be surprising to someone who is not familiar with that tradition. I wish I had been more aware of this beforehand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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