Marital woes

[Guest Maruca]

Hello. It's been a while since I've been to these boards. I've actually stopped homeschooling but I need some help/advice and don't know where else to turn. I remember the hive being great with advice. The problem is I feel like my husband has fallen out of love with me. He doesn't say the words anymore and when I asked him today if he did, he said love had nothing to do with it. I asked him why he stayed and he told me it was because he said a vow. We have children (14, 10, and 3 yrs) so I'm sure that's part of it. It hit me really hard, and Im feeling like I'm his obligation and not the love of his life, which I hoped I would still be after almost 20 years of marriage. We are Catholic and do not believe in divorce. What do I do? How do I live in a marriage like this and keep up a charade for the kids without falling deeper in sadness? Can my marriage be saved? How do we find love again?

[displace]

I'd recommend marriage builders website. Lots of advice for getting your marriage love back. Do you get out on dates with DH regularly? Share your lives with each other? It's important to keep each other a priority to fall back in love.

[bolt.]

The sensation of love can increase or decrease naturally even in healthy relationships -- and commitment usually carries couples (who are indeed committed) through the rough patches.

 

What has happened is perfectly normal, and no charade is necessary. You are in a companionable partnership for a while, with someone you love and are deeply committed to. That's absolutely ok.

 

Sadness is a totally normal feeling, and you are free to be sad. Try not to burden the kids with that part, but grief is completely appropreate, and you won't be able to skip it. Make some time and space for it in your days.

 

You are also able to take positive steps towards more warmth and bonding between you, but don't go into this as desperate striving. It's not "do or die" -- it's just better if it manges to improve. Slow and steady.

 

I think you could use some care and support too. Is there counselling available through your parish? Sadness is healthy... Bitterness, anger, self-blame and dispair are not. It's a tough road to walk. Try not to do it alone.

[Trish]

Do you pray together?

[fraidycat]

A couple books I recommend:

 

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr.

 

How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Stephen Stosny -- **this is the ONE book my husband would read, and ironically enough, it got him talking. I can't guarantee these results, but he has recommended the book on to other guys, too.

 

Also:

 

Engagedmarriage is an awesome blog. I believe he is even Catholic. He's got some awesome resources on there, too - probably even more now, it's been a few years since I was a regular reader there.

[solascriptura]

Do you spend time together without the kids? Hugs...lots of them.

[duckens]

I've heard from people who have been married far longer than I have been that "When you are married that long, you don't just have good and bad years; you have good and bad decades."

I hope that you and your husband are able to find your way through this.  I believe that it CAN be better when you get through this.  It may be different; it will probably not be perfect; but it will be better.

:grouphug:

[Guest Maruca]

Thank you for responding. I feel like I could use all the help. To answer some questions...no,, we don't pray together anymore, and no, we rarely go out alone anymore. He never wants to do that, just likes to stay at home. I've been so lonely for so long, and I absolutely miss who we used to be. I have read so many books and articles...I'm so tired of being the only one who tries. I do feel like I need counseling. I suppose I should initiate this although admitting this makes me feel more of a failure. All of my friends are his friends too so I don't really want to confide in them or family.

[ktgrok]

I'd recommend marriage builders website. Lots of advice for getting your marriage love back. Do you get out on dates with DH regularly? Share your lives with each other? It's important to keep each other a priority to fall back in love.

 

I second the marriage builders website/books. Now, in the interest of honesty, I did end up divorced. But there was no hope...my ex was mentally unstable and had been since before we got married. He was not emotionally able to be a partner in marriage, and the marriage has been annulled. BUT...the things I learned from the marriage builders website have helped me tremendously in my marriage the second go around. My husband is wonderful, but we are human, and it is so easy for little things to wear us down over the years. The marriage builders information, especially the love bank idea, has been foundational in building this marriage. Our mentor couple that we met with for our convalidation was incredibly impressed by the maturity of our relationship and I credit much of that to what I learned from marriage builders. 

 

Now, we don't have dates or what not very often, it just isn't practical, but we do try to make our best memories with each other, and to fill each other's love bank as much as possible. 

[ktgrok]

Thank you for responding. I feel like I could use all the help. To answer some questions...no,, we don't pray together anymore, and no, we rarely go out alone anymore. He never wants to do that, just likes to stay at home. I've been so lonely for so long, and I absolutely miss who we used to be. I have read so many books and articles...I'm so tired of being the only one who tries. I do feel like I need counseling. I suppose I should initiate this although admitting this makes me feel more of a failure. All of my friends are his friends too so I don't really want to confide in them or family.

 

 

Could he be depressed? It sounds like it might not be his feelings for you have changed as much as life in general doesn't bring him pleasure. 

[Beth in OH]

 I absolutely miss who we used to be. 

 

You have been married for 20 years, and I'm pretty sure neither you nor your husband are the same individuals you used to be.  This is a great time to take stock of who you are now, build the next stage of life together, and try to move past the grief that comes from change you didn't necessarily want.  

[scholastica]

Two books I would recommend are "When Love Dies" by Judy Bodmer and "For Better, Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage" by Greg Popcak. Greg Popcak has a counseling ministry and they do phone counseling if necessary. Prayers for you and your dh.

[kewb]

I recommend counseling . Couples counseling if he will go, just for you if he won't. It is not a failure to get help. Admitting you need assistance to work through something is the best way to help yourself. Counseling helped me through some very rough patches.

 

20 years is a long time. Dh and I are celebrating 22 years together soon. We have definitely had better decades then others. Counseling helped.

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband and I got married because we were in love and we shared the fame faith, same goals, same lifestyle choices, etc. 12 years later he started suffering from a crisis of faith.  He was just questioning it and deciding what he really believed, something I think everyone should do, by the way.  Then, near the very end of our international adoption and our youngest's arrival and early transition (Incredibly stressful) he started experiencing clinical depression. The older two were 7 and 9 at the time. Then he left the faith, which means we no longer shared anything but the kids. Later, a few years ago, was in conflict.  We went to marriage counselor who was good because she was honest and objective and said, "You two don't have common ground. There isn't anything to work with here." That was last summer.

 

So, yes, people really do change over decades.  There's no way to predict how they will change.  They really do have bad decades.  At 21 years of marriage the first decade was great and the last sucked.  We've managed to keep moving along in reasonable peace and civility, but it was really hard to get there. No one, in our situation, is going to get what they want every time.  We both have to make compromises about everything, including moral issues when it comes to raising the kids.  Sorry, church folk, that's the reality for the sake of the marriage. He's still their father and I'm still their mother and sometimes we go my way and sometimes we go his and when the kids are 18, they mostly make their own decisions. 

I'm not bothered by the end of romance because I'm very knowledgeable about history and how marriage worked before the Romantic Era corrupted people's ideas about marriage.  I believe a close, emotionally intimate, inter-personal romantic relationship is a by-product of some marriages, not a requirement or standard for all marriages. I had that in the first half of mine, but never thought it was essential.  It was a great perk.  I believe marriage is about establishing a secure social nucleus known as a family.  That doesn't require an emotional bond and several millennia of marriage around the world seems to indicate that.  Most marriages through out history did not require an emotional bond.  Arranged marriage, political marriage, etc. are very common and have mostly worked for humanity.  I'm not advocating that here and now, I'm just saying that the way we do it isn't the only way, and based on divorce rates in America and The West, people who freely entered marriages with romance in mind sometimes abandon them when the romance fizzles. (This is a separate category from people divorcing over adultery, abuse, abandonment, etc.)  Romance isn't much to build a lifetime on. Or they spend time focused on themselves trying to rekindle romance when there are other things in life that matter more and are more worthy of the attention of adults.

 

I'm like your husband.  The reason I won't get divorced is because I took a vow and the criteria I have for exiting the marriage haven't happened.   I have given that answer early in marriage when things were really great and romantic.  Because I don't view the romantic aspect of marriage as essential, it's not an assumed part of my reasoning or conversation.  Marriage, according to my faith, is a way to demonstrate the relationship between Christ and The Church.  That's not about romance.  That's about the nature of God. Also, since I don't consider romance to be essential, when I read 1 st Corinthians 13, I see acts and behaviors, not feelings that result from the acts and behaviors.  So, again, romance doesn't play a role to me religiously when I talk about love like it does for many people in America (whether they're religious or not.)

I think the Greeks were better at thinking about and discussing love because they had so many different words for it in different situations.  We get sloppy here because we lump them all together.  I think the highest form of love are self-sacrifice,  quiet loyalty and reliability. I think the early affections and sexual charge are destined to fade for most as people mature.  Biochemically I think it's fairly normal. Their focus is drawn to more than each other because there are children and elderly dependents to care for, careers to build and other life issues going on.  I guarantee you you looked at your newborn with love and excitement but when that child became a moody tween the same emotional charge in the love you have for him/her is different.  It's not that you don't love the kid just as much now, it's just that the newness and the emotional charge that comes with the newness faded because that's how life works. There's new, shiny young loud love that's intense and exciting and there's old love that's deeper and more secure because it's weathered tough times, seen the worst of each other and found a way to endure in spite of it.  It's not as pretty and flashy, it's banged up and tarnished and quiet.  Less mature people don't even recognize it as love, but those who've been around a long time and seen tough times recognize it for what it is.

 

I think women should be content in a marriage if their husband treats them and the kids with kindness and respect, if he is willing to work to provide for them, and he's faithful to them.  I also think women should develop friendships with other women outside their marriage.  They should (when the wee ones are bigger) develop their own interests.  So should husbands.  I think waaay too many women think their husband is entirely responsible to make sure their wives never feel lonely and vice versa.  I think that's unrealistic and unfair.

[lil' maids in a row]

I am sorry. I don't have anything worthwhile to add, but I wanted to encourage you that just because your marriage is unhappy now does not mean it always will be. I know many, many couples who have been on the brink of divorce, and been able to work through that and come out of the situation with a happier more intimate marriage. Hang in there. (((((()))))

[Sun]

A couple books I recommend:

 

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr.

 

How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Stephen Stosny -- **this is the ONE book my husband would read, and ironically enough, it got him talking. I can't guarantee these results, but he has recommended the book on to other guys, too.

 

Also:

 

Engagedmarriage is an awesome blog. I believe he is even Catholic. He's got some awesome resources on there, too - probably even more now, it's been a few years since I was a regular reader there.

 

First off, :grouphug: to you, OP. 

 

I was going to recommend the "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" book too. I have a couple of friends who have used it and highly recommend it.

 

You've been married long enough that you know it has its ups and downs, and it's normal for there to be times when we feel more or less in love with our spouses. Maybe it would help you a little bit to reframe how you're looking at this and see it more as a season within your marriage. Is there any chance you could work to prioritize your marriage in ways that will help build loving feelings? I'm thinking of things like packing his lunch, getting up early to have coffee ready if he leaves for work early, scheduling regular date nights where you have the chance to connect without the kids around, making a point of giving DH a hug and kiss when he gets home, giving DH a random hug or even a smile during the day, or making a point to buy a preferred food of his when you're at the store. I know that my own husband starts acting and feeling more loving toward me when I reach out and act more loving toward him. It can be hard for me to shift out of my hurt feelings enough to act loving. When I'm able to bring myself to do so, it makes a very dramatic shift in our relationship and how my husband acts toward me.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

[fraidycat]

First off, :grouphug: to you, OP.

 

I was going to recommend the "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" book too. I have a couple of friends who have used it and highly recommend it.

 

You've been married long enough that you know it has its ups and downs, and it's normal for there to be times when we feel more or less in love with our spouses. Maybe it would help you a little bit to reframe how you're looking at this and see it more as a season within your marriage. Is there any chance you could work to prioritize your marriage in ways that will help build loving feelings? I'm thinking of things like packing his lunch, getting up early to have coffee ready if he leaves for work early, scheduling regular date nights where you have the chance to connect without the kids around, making a point of giving DH a hug and kiss when he gets home, giving DH a random hug or even a smile during the day, or making a point to buy a preferred food of his when you're at the store. I know that my own husband starts acting and feeling more loving toward me when I reach out and act more loving toward him. It can be hard for me to shift out of my hurt feelings enough to act loving. When I'm able to bring myself to do so, it makes a very dramatic shift in our relationship and how my husband acts toward me.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Which reminds, there's a movie, and a book...

 

Agh! I can't remember what the title is, but it is that exact premise - love is a verb. You can act loving, even without feeling it, or experiencing reciprocity. Your partner will hopefully, eventually return the actions.

 

I remembered! Fireproof is the name.

[Tiramisu]

Could he be depressed? It sounds like it might not be his feelings for you have changed as much as life in general doesn't bring him pleasure. 

 

I'm with ktgrok. I think he could be depressed. 

[marbel]

:grouphug:   If you are both Catholic, shouldn't you schedule a meeting with your priest?    Aren't they equipped to give counsel or to refer to other counsel as needed?     That's where I would start, anyway.   (I am not Catholic but if my husband and I were in the same situation I would be contacting my pastor about it.)

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm not bothered by the end of romance because I'm very knowledgeable about history and how marriage worked before the Romantic Era corrupted people's ideas about marriage.  I believe a close, emotionally intimate, inter-personal romantic relationship is a by-product of some marriages, not a requirement or standard for all marriages. I had that in the first half of mine, but never thought it was essential.  It was a great perk.  I believe marriage is about establishing a secure social nucleus known as a family.  That doesn't require an emotional bond and several millennia of marriage around the world seems to indicate that.  Most marriages through out history did not require an emotional bond.  Arranged marriage, political marriage, etc. are very common and have mostly worked for humanity.  I'm not advocating that here and now, I'm just saying that the way we do it isn't the only way, and based on divorce rates in America and The West, people who freely entered marriages with romance in mind sometimes abandon them when the romance fizzles. (This is a separate category from people divorcing over adultery, abuse, abandonment, etc.)  Romance isn't much to build a lifetime on. Or they spend time focused on themselves trying to rekindle romance when there are other things in life that matter more and are more worthy of the attention of adults.

In the past couples also didn't stay together for 50+ years. People with political marriages were often not monogamous. Plus, there were periods in history when you had "courtly love" that came with elements of romance, even when they didn't include sex. I think expecting people to stay married without any emotional element or romance from anyone is a near impossible and sad task.

[Mrs Mungo]

Have you talked to him about your desires and expectations? Have you told him that you miss that connection and want it back? Are you willing to walk away if you can't have that with him? Have you told him that?

 

I agree that counseling may be necessary, that he might be depressed and so forth. But, sometimes really communicating what you want can go a long way.

[HS Mom in NC]

In the past couples also didn't stay together for 50+ years. People with political marriages were often not monogamous. Plus, there were periods in history when you had "courtly love" that came with elements of romance, even when they didn't include sex. I think expecting people to stay married without any emotional element or romance from anyone is a near impossible and sad task.

 

Only if they believe it to be impossible and expect that romance is and should be the standard by which happiness and contentment are measured.  Far more people in the world and throughout history have had arranged marriages and political marriages than those based on romance. Not everyone who enters a marriage for romantic reasons is faithful. What's the divorce rate for adultery in modern America?  Assuming romance is some sort of essential is taking a very short view of humanity and marriage.  Sorry, it just it.  

 

The assumption that a couple is sad because they don't have romance is a very one dimensional view of emotional connection.  People can grow a bond together by enduring through tough times and remaining faithful and loyal creates an emotional connection that isn't romantic, but it is a bond.  It's based on a track record of surviving difficulty (particularly in the absence of positive emotional feelings) where as, assuming the emotional charge of romance is the standard of a contented marriage is like saying the mark of adulthood is the mental state of 18 year olds.  Things should change in focus and priority over the course of adulthood and over the course of marriage to higher and deeper things.  American views of marriage are soooo narrow and simplistic. I blame Hollywood, romance book writers and a lack of historical education. Again, I'm not saying romance is bad in and of itself, I'm saying it's bad as a standard for a good or healthy marriage.  It's a lovely by product in some.  That's all it is at best.

[Mrs Mungo]

Only if they believe it to be impossible and expect that romance is and should be the standard by which happiness and contentment are measured.  Far more people in the world and throughout history have had arranged marriages and political marriages than those based on romance. Not everyone who enters a marriage for romantic reasons is faithful. What's the divorce rate for adultery in modern America?  Assuming romance is some sort of essential is taking a very short view of humanity and marriage.  Sorry, it just it.

The adultery rate and divorce rate have something to do with a lack of emotional connection, romance and romantic connection, IMO. Those people are seeking out those connections in other ways. You are making my point for me here.

 

 

The assumption that a couple is sad because they don't have romance is a very one dimensional view of emotional connection.

That wasn't AT ALL what I stated. "I think expecting people to stay married without any emotional element or romance from anyone is a near impossible and sad task." I said attempting to stay married without an *emotional element* OR romance. The OP is talking about a lack of emotional connection with her spouse.

 

 

People can grow a bond together by enduring through tough times and remaining faithful and loyal creates an emotional connection that isn't romantic, but it is a bond.  It's based on a track record of surviving difficulty (particularly in the absence of positive emotional feelings) where as, assuming the emotional charge of romance is the standard of a contented marriage is like saying the mark of adulthood is the mental state of 18 year olds.

I think you are using a different definition of emotional connection than I would use. She is feeling alone and emotionally unsupported by her spouse. Every one of us here has a different familial, social and marital situation. Your statements smack of telling ME that I don't really need what I think I need and should suck it up. I've been married for over 20 years. I KNOW what I NEED from my spouse. I can communicate my needs. I'm thankful that my husband is responsive to MY needs. I've made it clear that I'm unwilling to continue in the marriage without him meeting MY emotional needs, that they are needs, not something that is nice to have. YOUR needs (or lack thereof) aren't relevant to me or the OP. My needs aren't relevant to you or the OP. What is relevant is that she find a way to communicate to her spouse what HER needs are and that she give him a reason to be responsive.

[tshirtyogapantmama]

Marriage has it's ups and downs... How is your *tea* time? I know there is a lot more to marriage then that, but are you having regular intimate time together? Do you both enjoy it? Do you ever talk about your honeymoon or past times when you enjoyed being intimate.  

 

This may be crazy but consider having it every day, look at *tea* time as exercise. Sometimes rough patches make people stop wanting to be intimate, age and health can play a factor too but my DH and I have kept it up and it really helped us keep our marriage alive, so I urge you to consider and try it. 

 

We also started doing things more "together" like we use to when we were first married. Life gets busy but we started... Going to movies, talking at night together, even playing silly card games...think back and see what does your DH like to do with you/ or you like to do with him? I know you said he is a homebody and I totally get that, but what does he like to do at home? Can you do it with him? 

 

One way to rekindle love is to be lovers and friends! It'll take work from you and I know that's hard when you feel the work is only one sided but consider it an investment in your future and hopefully he'll respond positively to *tea* and being together. Just some food for thought...

[Ravin]

I'm actually with Homeschool Mom in AZ on this one (except minus the Catholic underpinnings).

 

I also think depression is a possibility.

 

You don't have to be "in love" to love someone. To the extent the OP and her husband equate the two, the loss of romance/romantic feeling can leave one thinking there's no connection.

 

Counseling, with a therapist or clergy, is probably in order. Clergy is actually the better way to go. The OP and her husband need to learn to communicate and frame their relationship in a positive light without romantic expectations.

[coralloyd]

The only thing I can see truly helping the situation is you being in daily prayer for your husband. I would start by praying for yourself and your heart attitudes toward him. Then I would take each area of your husband's life and daily set aside time to pray. I think far too often we try to fix things in our own strength. We read books, ask advice, go to counseling all before going to the one who really can affect change.

 

Whenever we have gone through tough times in our marriage I have learned (the hard way) to go straight to God. He has been so faithful to answer. It also gets my focus off of me and helps me to see things that my husband is going through that I might not have seen before. I will pray for you today. I know it can be very painful and I am so sorry for your aching heart.

[Joanne]

Two books I would recommend are "When Love Dies" by Judy Bodmer and "For Better, Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage" by Greg Popcak. Greg Popcak has a counseling ministry and they do phone counseling if necessary. Prayers for you and your dh.

 

I am not familiar with the first, but I like Greg Popcak for both marriage and parenting.

 

I agree with: counseling, love languages.

 

If you go to counseling, please seek a licensed for counseling professional. Clergy can be great, and supportive, and a good supplement, but the counseling process and relationship should be protected by vetted training, testing, licensure, education, and skill set.

 

I think it's possible you are BOTH clinically depressed, which would exacerbate the marriage issues.

 

Finally, I am not personally a fan of Fireproof or the MarriageBuilders site. But if that is where someone feels directed or lead, I submit that a higher power will certainly know better than I where individuals may be helped and supported.

[LizzyBee]

Thank you for responding. I feel like I could use all the help. To answer some questions...no,, we don't pray together anymore, and no, we rarely go out alone anymore. He never wants to do that, just likes to stay at home. I've been so lonely for so long, and I absolutely miss who we used to be. I have read so many books and articles...I'm so tired of being the only one who tries. I do feel like I need counseling. I suppose I should initiate this although admitting this makes me feel more of a failure. All of my friends are his friends too so I don't really want to confide in them or family.

 

Do you have girlfriends that you get together with occasionally, just for lunch, socializing, a movie, etc?  That won't fix your marriage, but it can be a way of making sure some of your other needs are being met.  I know when kids are young, sometimes there isn't time to foster relationships outside the family, and we can become too dependent on our spouses to fulfill all of our needs. That puts a lot of pressure on the marriage relationship. Also, since you're Catholic, have you gone to adoration to pray? Maybe that would help. Many hugs as you work through this.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

The adultery rate and divorce rate have something to do with a lack of emotional connection, romance and romantic connection, IMO. Those people are seeking out those connections in other ways. You are making my point for me here.

 

I think adultery is fed by the idea that people NEED romance.  If that emotional romantic spark isn't there with the spouse then they find it in an adulterous situation.  They're convinced they need it, after all.

 

 

That wasn't AT ALL what I stated. "I think expecting people to stay married without any emotional element or romance from anyone is a near impossible and sad task." I said attempting to stay married without an *emotional element* OR romance. The OP is talking about a lack of emotional connection with her spouse.

 

The way I read the OP, it seemed to me she is equating romantic love with an emotional connection.  I'm trying to tell her not only does she not have to do that (even though our society tells we should) but that's it's preferable and beneficial to look for other emotional connections that re not romantic, like appreciating his loyalty and devotion and honoring his vows. I'm suggesting she take the very long view of marriage throughout humanity for a broader view.

 

 

I think you are using a different definition of emotional connection than I would use.

 

Yes, that was the point.  Romantic love isn't the only emotional connection a couple can have.  Hollywood and novelists usually miss these more subtle, deep devotions based on respecting each other's loyalty and contributions to the family in daily, less glamorous emotionally charged ways.  Enduring very tough times between the two and finding a way to get through it is a very deeply bonding experience with little flash and bling. Our culture doesn't each people to look for and appreciate these things and that's bad for us as a society.

 

She is feeling alone and emotionally unsupported by her spouse. Every one of us here has a different familial, social and marital situation. Your statements smack of telling ME that I don't really need what I think I need and should suck it up.

 

I think people in affluent parents of the world with extra resources on their hands often convince themselves they NEED things that there IS a way to do without because there are other things of sometimes equal and sometimes greater value that meet needs. I do not believe there is a couple on the earth that could not be content in a marriage without romance but has kindness, respect, loyalty and devotion.  They may choose to end the relationship THINKING it's hopeless and they would suffer irreparable emotional/ psychological damage, but I'm going to stand by my view that they could, with a mental shift away from romance and a focus on kindness and loyalty and such, have a fulfilling emotional connection without  suffering actual emotional/psychological harm. Is it OK to try to rekindle romance?  Sure.  But this idea that without it the relationship is bad or substandard is simply wrong.   

 

 

I've been married for over 20 years. I KNOW what I NEED from my spouse. I can communicate my needs. I'm thankful that my husband is responsive to MY needs. I've made it clear that I'm unwilling to continue in the marriage without him meeting MY emotional needs, that they are needs, not something that is nice to have. YOUR needs (or lack thereof) aren't relevant to me or the OP. My needs aren't relevant to you or the OP. What is relevant is that she find a way to communicate to her spouse what HER needs are and that she give him a reason to be responsive.

 

See above.

 

Also, having a spouse with clinical depression is going to make rekindling a romance really hard.  Many people who try anti-depressants and therapy  find they don't work at all or only work for a while.  That's not someone who's going to be wooing his wife.  That's a serious mental illness that can go on for a loooong time and expecting romance during that is like expecting romance during a long term physical illness.  If he is depressed and finds help that works, great.  If not, she made still need to make a very serious shift in her expectations.  It's not people's fault they get sick.  They can't have all of the same expectations placed on them that there were when they were well.  This could be a marathon, not a sprint. It's important to seek out help and to be realistic. My spouse had been there for more than a decade now.  There isn't an anti-depressant he hasn't tried-they don't work for everyone.

 

I have never told the OP to not to try rekindling romance.  I'm simply arguing that the absence of romance doesn't have to devastate a marriage.   She can focus her energies on an emotional bond based on a shared life full of kindness and devotion and be fulfilled.  She can reduce loneliness by increasing other relationships in her life.  

 

[Mrs Mungo]

Your focus on the word romance, when I was talking about emotional connection make this discussion pretty tough. If you have "kindness, respect, loyalty and devotion," then you probably have an emotional connection from my perspective. What the OP describes isn't showing kindness, respect, loyalty or devotion since he is ignoring her desires such as her wish to have alone time with him.