How to buy a car 'by myself' :)

[Liz CA]

I need to get that old car hauled off but I haven't done it. For years he told me he wanted to 'hang onto in, just in case'. My goodness. So I will try to locate some place that will come here and tow it away. I have been home and homeschooling for such a long time. I haven't worked professionally in 30 years. I do have a degree and teacher's certification but cannot imagine teaching outside my home! I still have 2 daughters not yet finished so I feel I should stay home until they are graduated. Maybe that's a cop-out. Dh is probably insecure, he has lost 2 jobs in the last 8 years that have devastated us financially. We lived off retirement savings and now have just the little envelope of emergency cash I have stashed. He does dip into it regularly but replaces it again, but I never will get ahead that way. That could be of some use but probably wouldn't get me very far from home ha ha. So again, I feel stuck. I can't rent a vehicle without him since the only cc we have is in his name. I am feeling insecure with my homeschooling days nearing completion, and dd21 just announced her engagement, so I do feel I should be taking some positive steps to take care of myself more independently. I sure appreciate the love here! :)

 

Forget the car for now. Look for a counselor in your area or check through church connections if you are inclined. Many places offer sliding scale which means a percentage of your income, not a set fee. Make an appointment and tell dh YOU need help. You feel a little lost, stuck, etc. Ask him to come along and support you and see if he will come with you. If not, go by yourself so you can get advice on the deeper issues. This is not only a financial issue but you already know that.

[Crimson Wife]

Ok, your youngest daughters are 15 and 16? You've lived off your retirement savings? You have basically no wiggle room in your budget and are unable to save again for an ever nearing retirement age? You have no credit or debit card on your name? You have not have a functioning car in 7 years? You can't go and see your own grandchild?

 

The time has long since come to get yourself a job. It is economically reckless not to. Your daughters are old enough to go to community college or study at home with you not being there every minute. It doesn't need to be a fulltime job. You may qualify for worker retraining benefits as a homemaker reentering the workforce.

 

I agree. And put him on the "envelope system" so that he knows exactly how much "fun" money he can spend. When the envelope is empty, that's it until the next paycheck.

[Tap]

If you want a loan, he will have to sign for it, since it is his income they are basing it on. 

 

 

[Snow]

I think we could do SO much better with a firmer budget in place. The man has a degree in finance for goodness sake. But he sees budgeting as restrictive or unnecessary?? Or something. So a payday will come, he goes by Walmart and grabs a bunch of silly stuff we could have done without because it makes him (I think) feel like a good provider. He works hard and I appreciate that. But he is a spender and I have to be a saver and he is winning. :( We are usually with just a few $$ left the week before the next payday. I have tried free online budgets and things but they never seem to be effective. I usually do all the bills, checkbook, etc., but this past spring he took that over while I worked on Lyme recovery. It was just awful, the bills he would simply put off paying so we would have more to spend! So I have the finances back in my hands and want to be wise. I guess I saw a new car, *my* new car, as something tangible that I could count on. That really does sound pathetic. I want to work with him, if that is even still possible, to create a few future goals so we can live peacefully and have some kind of hope for our lives, but the days just roll into years, all the same. A few weeks ago I asked him to please stop saying the phrase, "We can't afford it." That is a habit so deeply ingrained he cannot stop even saying it.

This is confusing. Since you now have the finances back under your control, you should know whether you can afford it or not. You said he keeps saying you can't afford it, and you said yourself you have no retirement savings and that he tends to spend the little money you have. From the sound of it, he's right to say that you can't afford to buy a car right now. Or am I misinterpreting your posts?

 

I'm sorry it's hard. I agree with some of the other posters that it would be best to find a job, even something small or informal.

[Arcadia]

Old habits die hard. My dad is hyper resistance to change but he is a tightwad and my mom is the won't take a no for an answer kind. Change is his problem, and not spending money.

 

You do need a family budget in your case. If sitting your husband down and working it out doesn't work, I agree you need to look for counseling.

 

Can you do at home tutoring for some spare cash? Is there a demand where you are?

[Aelwydd]

Ok, your youngest daughters are 15 and 16? You've lived off your retirement savings? You have basically no wiggle room in your budget and are unable to save again for an ever nearing retirement age? You have no credit or debit card on your name? You have not have a functioning car in 7 years? You can't go and see your own grandchild?

 

The time has long since come to get yourself a job. It is economically reckless not to. Your daughters are old enough to go to community college or study at home with you not being there every minute. It doesn't need to be a fulltime job. You may qualify for worker retraining benefits as a homemaker reentering the workforce.

It needed to be said, and I agree.

[Aelwydd]

I agree. And put him on the "envelope system" so that he knows exactly how much "fun" money he can spend. When the envelope is empty, that's it until the next paycheck.

That is an excellent plan, if he'll abide by it. The question I have is will a patriarchal- type husband defer to his wife's superior financial judgement in this case? If he chaffs at this restriction, I suspect he will just keep on spending what he wants.

[Blueridge]

Yes, I agree that it sounds confusing. Maybe that's a part of why I feel stuck. I have not worked in such a long time. I truly love being at home. Dh does not want me to work. I know this even though we have not discussed it. He complains weekly about his co-worker and all the problems his working wife's schedule causes him and his family. It sounds obvious that she takes advantage of him by expecting him to do all the childcare, child transportation, cooking, etc. (his story, anyway!) Their life is a mess and dh hears a lot of negative. I know working moms who do a great job of balancing. I could probably do that, too, if I could find the right situation closer to home. But prospects out here are limited. :) I also believe that, through careful planning and budget-conscious spending, we could save on a regular basis. I try not to manipulate but when I make a request or suggestion, he almost 100% of the time will say, "No, I don't think we could xyz right now." Habit. 

[maize]

Tell him you are not comfortable with the financial situation and you can only see two options: either the two if you figure out together how to budget so you can build up savings for important priorities like a new car and trips to see family, or you will need to get a job and put that money into savings. Start looking into job options now. You have a teaching degree, have you checked into substituting at the local schools?

[maize]

I understand your husband doesn't want to budget and doesn't want you to work, but in a marriage one person's wants don't get to dictate everything. I think it is time to stand up for yourself.

[Catwoman]

I understand your husband doesn't want to budget and doesn't want you to work, but in a marriage one person's wants don't get to dictate everything. I think it is time to stand up for yourself.

:iagree:

 

I hate to say this, but you're as much of the problem as your dh is.

 

You allow him to do whatever he wants, and don't demand the things you need. You don't put a stop to things like the frivolous Walmart purchases you can't afford.

 

If you need the car, go out and find one that you can afford, and tell your dh about it. If he says he can't afford to buy it, remind him that he also can't afford to have you and your kids killed in an unsafe vehicle. Don't ask him about the car. TELL HIM you need it and that you will be buying it unless he can present you with a better option (different vehicle.)

 

I have never bought into the patriarchal thing at all, but I will say that I think you're using it as a bit of an excuse. If your dh won't allow something or if he wants to do something you don't like, you act like there's nothing you can do about it, so it's not your fault. But it is. You need to stand up for yourself.

 

You also need a credit card of your own -- what's up with only his name being on the only credit card??? And please don't tell me the house and the bank accounts are only in his name, too!

 

I would also echo what everyone else has said. You need a job. You need your own source of income. I know you're saying your dh doesn't want you to work, but I think that is another excuse, because you also say you love being at home. I like maize's suggestion of substitute teaching, because not only does it still give you quite a bit of time at home, it also helps get your foot in the door at your local schools for when you may want to look for full time work later on.

 

The problem is that you want it both ways. You want to stay home and not work, but you also want a new car that you may not be able to afford. You want to blame your dh for spending frivolously and not wanting any change, but you're not standing up and demanding that changes be made.

 

I'm not usually someone who recommends counseling for every little thing, but it sounds like you might really need it. The only thing I want to stress is that you should avoid Christian counselors who believe in patriarchy. They will only make things worse for you. (I'm not saying to avoid a Christian counselor if that's all you'd consider, but I would be very careful in making the choice.)

[Catwoman]

Tell him you are not comfortable with the financial situation and you can only see two options: either the two if you figure out together how to budget so you can build up savings for important priorities like a new car and trips to see family, or you will need to get a job and put that money into savings. Start looking into job options now. You have a teaching degree, have you checked into substituting at the local schools?

:iagree:

 

You need a long term plan, whether your dh likes it or not. Otherwise, what will happen when, at some point, your dh is no longer able to work? How will you live? How will you pay the bills?

[Crimson Wife]

That is an excellent plan, if he'll abide by it. The question I have is will a patriarchal- type husband defer to his wife's superior financial judgement in this case? If he chaffs at this restriction, I suspect he will just keep on spending what he wants.

 

I suspect he would like having a newer car and/or money for visiting grandkids or whatever once he actually has them. The envelope system has to be presented as a tool to enable those good things. Short-term pain for long-term gain.

 

My DH resisted replacing our A/C (we live in an area where it regularly tops 100 F in the summer) until the furnace broke and I took the initiative to have the whole HVAC system replaced. He complained no end about the cost but the biggest component is labor and we were already having the HVAC guys out to replace the furnace. So it made the most sense to do it all at once. It didn't take more than the first hot weekend with a working A/C unit for DH to admit that he was glad we bit the bullet and did it. 

 

Some guys really just need that "nudge" to get over their initial reluctance but once they do take action, they're glad that they were pushed into it.

[Blueridge]

Thank you all for the honesty. Admission...I really didn't see us involved in the whole patriarchy thing until the Doug Phillips fiasco came out. I sat there reading all that junk and thinking, wow, we know lots of people just like that. Oh my gosh, we are a lot like that (but not at all to the extent that he was, I would NOT stand there and say everything was just lovely when it was disastrous). I have questioned so much in these past months and honestly it has left me feeling like there isn't much underneath my feet anymore. I felt embarrassed to admit that I blamed all my unrest on getting older and feeling unnecessary. My dh is a good person, but calls himself a 'Mr. Steady'. So he doesn't accept change well at all because it makes him unsure and insecure. I love a little change here and there and think it makes me feel younger. But I digress. :)  I am thinking that I really do need to seek a part-time job. Thank you.

[Catwoman]

I agree. And put him on the "envelope system" so that he knows exactly how much "fun" money he can spend. When the envelope is empty, that's it until the next paycheck.

It sounds like that's exactly what he needs.

 

And she can start a "new car fund" envelope. (In this case, it would probably be to start saving for the next one, though, because it sounds like her old car needs to be replaced right now. But at least the next time around, she will be able to tell her dh exactly how much money they have saved toward the new car.)

 

I don't understand not putting money aside for future big purchases that you know you're eventually going to have to make. Obviously, if you're down to the last penny every week, it's going to be tough or impossible, but if there's enough money left over to buy a bunch of useless stuff at Walmart, that would really add up over time if it was saved instead of spent.

[maize]

Thank you all for the honesty. Admission...I really didn't see us involved in the whole patriarchy thing until the Doug Phillips fiasco came out. I sat there reading all that junk and thinking, wow, we know lots of people just like that. Oh my gosh, we are a lot like that (but not at all to the extent that he was, I would NOT stand there and say everything was just lovely when it was disastrous). I have questioned so much in these past months and honestly it has left me feeling like there isn't much underneath my feet anymore. I felt embarrassed to admit that I blamed all my unrest on getting older and feeling unnecessary. My dh is a good person, but calls himself a 'Mr. Steady'. So he doesn't accept change well at all because it makes him unsure and insecure. I love a little change here and there and think it makes me feel younger. But I digress. :) I am thinking that I really do need to seek a part-time job. Thank you.

Many ((hugs)) it sounds like you are on the right track. Look into substitute teaching, I don't know how things are set up where you are but I have friends who substitute and they are able to work as often or as little as they want. The pay isn't fabulous but it is very flexible and could lead to a full time teaching job should you ever decide to go back to that.

[maize]

Also, connections within the local school system can lead to tutoring jobs, which may be more enjoyable if you like the one-on-one teaching of homeschooling.

[elegantlion]

I will say that the hard and fast "I wouldn't let him" or "you must set up..." comments can backfire with someone who is used to being in charge, especially if you've been married for a long time. It's not always control or abuse as much as habit, strict gender definition, and fear of change - not necessarily healthy either. While it's lovely to think that all loving spouses would be totally on board with changing, we wouldn't respond as nicely if they jumped in and tried to tell us how to homeschool or manage the household if they had been hands off for years. 

 

I say this because I have one family member that has found ways to phrase things to their spouse over the years to help. They understand the good and bad time to approach their spouse. They been happily married for over 50 years, so it works for them. I've also seen marriage when the spouse could ask until their blue in the face and they are never really "heard". 

 

It's very hard when you've been rolling along with the status quo and decide to want a change. The timing and conversation requires some finesse, "spine", and knowing how to phrase it so your spouse takes you seriously. It make take repeated encounters, sometimes written documentation, and the willingness to find another avenue (as in a job) to solve the issue if necessary. 

 

A spouse should be heard and not have their fears dismissed, but it doesn't always happen on the first try even in the best of marriages. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

. We live in the middle of the woods so it isn't seen by passers-by, but still. It was a good car, but very old, and now has been sitting there going unused...for 7 years. That's what I mean about things never changing. Instead of becoming a heartless nag, I just let things...time...go by, too.So I see him as the head of our home, but I am beginning to see that if anything out of the regular routine of our days happens, it will be me doing that. We have a grandbaby, over a year old now, that I have not been able to see since he was a newborn. The pain that causes me each time I remind dh that we need to take a trip and he then reminds me of how expensive a trip will be, I cannot express my discouragement.

 

I hope it's okay that I respond. My hesitation comes because we know each other IRL, and although we don't know each that well, I hope you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I would never betray any confidence shared here on the board, nor would I make ANY judgment on your or your husband, or think of either of you in a less than favorable light.  Nothing you've said sounds "pathetic" (using that because you did). I know how things can be in a marriage. Period.

 

You are one of most gentle spirited, kindhearted people I know.  You are so sweet and kind, and that is obvious to anyone who speaks to you for even one minute. 

 

I know where you live, and I think it's SO important that you have reliable transportation.

 

Have you contacted Focus on the Family to get a local counselor recommendation? If you need a referral closer to your town, you might consider checking with the female Christian dr. in town that many of the homeschool moms know. (I'm guessing you know her name, but if you don't, message me, and I'll send it privately.)

 

To begin researching how to buy a car, see if the library has any books from Consumer Reports, or go to Barnes & Noble, buy a coffee, and sit down with the Consumer Reports Used Car Buying Guide.  If you like it and find it helpful, buy it.  I would be really, really leery of any of the dozen used car dealerships in your town.  I've heard at least one of them is pretty good, but I am mistrustful of used car dealers in general. I, personally, would stick with one of the dealerships  in the larger city, and be very, very sure to choose a car with high reliability scores from Consumer Reports.  (Do you and I know anyone who works at a dealership? I just know a Toyota mechanic.)

 

In our state, I am pretty sure you can qualify for a loan based on your husband's income without his knowledge, although I would NEVER suggest anyone buy a car without their spouse's prior knowledge.

 

 

Tell him you are not comfortable with the financial situation and you can only see two options: either the two if you figure out together how to budget so you can build up savings for important priorities like a new car and trips to see family, or you will need to get a job and put that money into savings. Start looking into job options now. You have a teaching degree, have you checked into substituting at the local schools?

 

This is really, really good and seemingly do-able advice.  Other job options might include some sort of substituting or part time work at a town day care, the big local hardware store (from what I've seen, you'd fit right in there, a lot of older women and not many young kids). Are they looking for lunch ladies, or subs, at any of your nearby elementary schools? Could you see yourself driving a school bus (on those roads)?  Are there any opportunities to do part time day care or after school care in your home?  In your neck of the woods, a family could be incredibly blessed to have you taking care of their children 1-2 days a week. 

 

:grouphug:  Hugs to you, and I will be praying for discernment and soft hearts in your marriage.

[LucyStoner]

I am all for a family having a parent at home (heck, I'm a homemaker/SAHM myself) but your kids are basically grown, you are barely getting by and you are approaching the empty nest years without ANY retirement savings? The time has come to take a job and start the next chapter in your life. You owe it to yourself and your family. Decide what you want to do and work towards that goal.

[Catwoman]

Thank you all for the honesty. Admission...I really didn't see us involved in the whole patriarchy thing until the Doug Phillips fiasco came out. I sat there reading all that junk and thinking, wow, we know lots of people just like that. Oh my gosh, we are a lot like that (but not at all to the extent that he was, I would NOT stand there and say everything was just lovely when it was disastrous). I have questioned so much in these past months and honestly it has left me feeling like there isn't much underneath my feet anymore. I felt embarrassed to admit that I blamed all my unrest on getting older and feeling unnecessary. My dh is a good person, but calls himself a 'Mr. Steady'. So he doesn't accept change well at all because it makes him unsure and insecure. I love a little change here and there and think it makes me feel younger. But I digress. :) I am thinking that I really do need to seek a part-time job. Thank you.

It sounds like you've spent many years living a certain way and not thinking about it very much, and I don't think that's unusual. You've been busy with kids and you haven't had a lot of time to sit around and analyze your life and your relationship. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut or accept gradual negative changes because they happen slowly and don't seem like a big deal at the time.

 

I guess what I'm saying it not to beat yourself up over any of it. It sounds like your dh is a basically good guy who is stuck in his ways and isn't fond of change, and that you would like some change, but have been too nice to insist. I think you can work with that! The most important thing is for you to figure out what you need in order for your relationship to be successful and for your life to be happy, and then work from there. (I do think the car is an immediate priority, though, for safety reasons if nothing else.)

 

Most of all, I want to thank you for being so gracious about all of the replies you've received here. Most people would have argued or told some of us that we were idiots who didn't know what we were talking about. You haven't done that (even if you might have been thinking it :D) and I think that was very nice of you.

 

I hope everything works out. IMO, the most important thing is for you to figure out how to be more assertive and insistent about your own needs, and that while it's nice to want to make your dh happy, it's not healthy to always submit to someone else's decisions because you don't want to rock the boat.

[Blueridge]

You ladies are so patient. I appreciate all your suggestions and kindnesses so very much! I have planned a meeting tonight with Dh. We will see how much I can get him to see. I will offer chocolate. :)

[maize]

Praying for your meeting to go well tonight.

[Catwoman]

You ladies are so patient. I appreciate all your suggestions and kindnesses so very much! I have planned a meeting tonight with Dh. We will see how much I can get him to see. I will offer chocolate. :)

I hope it goes well tonight, Ginger! Even if it's not as successful as you'd like, it will be a good first step. :)

[Annie Anne]

How do you make the wheels fall off?

 

And why would you smugly tell him you did it?  

 

That sounds quite counter productive.

 

Not smugly; not at all smugly.

I have a do nothing until forced to family member.

At times, I force.

As for how, that belongs in a PM.

[Rockhopper]

I think you've received some really good, thoughtful advice and I think that you have been very gracious in hearing it and perhaps considering some approaches to your problem you might not have considered.

 

My little bit of advice is very pedestrian and practical -- we have had very good success multiple times buying used cars from Enterprise. They sell off their rental and fleet cars after a year, usually. No haggling, which is good for us, good quality control and coverage. I bet other rental companies do the same. A good haggler/bargainer might be able to do better price-wise, but we've never felt taken and we've always been pleased with our purchases.

[Blueridge]

I wanted to share a follow-up! Last evening Dh got home and I wasn't sure if I should start a conversation since he was so tired, but after supper I did. I had jotted down some discussion notes but decided to focus on the main topics of new car and house renovations and not muddy the waters too much with my other details. ;) He seemed to be getting a little tense but I kept my voice calm. After 20 minutes or so of not making much progress, same old 'we can't do all this...can't afford all this...' reaction, he went downstairs to the treadmill...his thinking spot. After he returned, he had apologies and all sorts of encouraging ideas! He said his top goal is to take care of me and make me happy. What a tender confession! I learned that I tend to gather all sorts of details and consider lots of projects and compartmentalize them, while that overwhelms him. He likes to tackle one thing at a time and get it done. So we've picked a weekend house project to do together. He has also made a great suggestion of using our camper as a down payment for me an even better car than I had hoped for! So things are just working out so well! I am being patient and he is responding with action! I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your listening ears and wonderful wisdom! Happy dance.

[maize]

Hurray for a positive discussion! This pulling together in marriage deal can be quite a challenge, but it is wonderful when things work the way they should.

[elegantlion]

:001_wub: Love this update. 

[Arcadia]

I learned that I tend to gather all sorts of details and consider lots of projects and compartmentalize them, while that overwhelms him. He likes to tackle one thing at a time and get it done.

Glad things are working out :D

 

Break your projects/wish lists into modules/smaller portions. Itemized list of repairs help. BTDT with my dad.

[Carol in Cal.]

We buy used cars, only.  Now, this is partly because we are in a nonharsh climate and have no road salt. YMMV.

We only buy cars that Consumer Reports says are low maintenance.

This usually means Toyotas or Hondas.  We buy them from single owners who have excellent maintenance records, meticulous types.  We usually get them when they have 75-100K miles on them.  Then we keep them for another 100K miles.

 

The last car we bought we paid for with paypal.  It was a private party sale, and they would not accept a check, but they would pay the paypal fee.  It cost $10,500.  That was two years ago, and we will probably have the car for another 10 years.  It had 75K miles on it and we are maintaining it really well.  (Our REI bonus was huge the next year!  Score!)

 

Just giving you some unusual but workable strategies.  BTW, I would not recommend using paypal for the car unless you can pay the credit card bill on it in full as soon as it comes in.

[Catwoman]

I'm so happy for you, Ginger! It sounds like both you and your dh handled the conversation beautifully.

 

He knew when he was getting a little overwhelmed by it, so he took a break to work out, and you knew him well enough to realize that it was his way of calming down and doing some thinking, so you didn't follow him to the treadmill and keep pushing the matter when he wasn't ready to make any decisions yet.

 

I'm very impressed with both of you. :)

[Blueridge]

:)  

[Annie Anne]

Fabulous update. How great that you were able to connect.

Hope the new car is great.

[Rachel]

I've been following this thread but didn't have any advice. I am happy to see that you were able to approach him and have a positive outcome. I'm looking forward to hearing how the house project goes and about your new car.