Mynyel Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 How can I make this easier for dh? Aside from not inviting my parents over at all ever. Since tomorrow is Independence Day I invited my parents over for BBQ in the evening and then to take the kids to see fireworks. Dh balked. "Well I gotta work anyway so I won't be going". My parents are RVers. The live in an RV in an RV park about 20 minutes away. The "moved" here in April from California. They come over maybe once every 2 weeks or so. It certainly isn't every week. It isn't that he doesn't get along with them per sae. Dh just doesn't get along with anyone. Not even his own family for the most part. So I always tense up when I tell him I want to invite them over. I am afraid to tell him because I know he doesn't like it but what can I tell my parents? Sorry, you can't come over because dh hates people over at the house ever? That isn't fair to me let alone them. Any sage advise on how to make this better? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I would be trying very diligently to understand exactly what he dislikes about having people over. I would try to pin down if it is all people or specifically your parents. That is where I would start. It is possible that he is not even fully aware of what bothers him about it and you asking specific questions will help him to have some insight which may be helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Sounds like a dh problem, not an in-law problem. I guess the nicest way to approach it would be to assume dh is just a serious introvert who doesn't enjoy getting together with anyone outside you and the kids. I think you'd be wise to invite your parents over and otherwise spend time with them when dh is working or has other things planned. Since they are nice, and you like them, and they live nearby, I'd see them once a week (or more) to get together with you and the kids for outings and/or at your place (or theirs) when dh is busy. Assuming he works weekdays, I'd plan fun outings with them during the week or invite them over for lunch or whatever. Just limit the full family gatherings to major holidays and/or kids' birthdays, etc. My dh loves my mom (who now actually lives with us with dh's blessing), but when we lived 20 min away and he was working FT, I saw Mom (who also worked FT) at least weekly for lunch or a visit or kid outing or whatever, but dh only saw her maybe monthly . . . It is natural for a daughter to want more time with her parents than her dh will. You can call daily, too. I always have . . . well, until Mom moved in with us! (It took me a long time to get over wanting to dial her every time I got in the car, lol.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Any sage advise on how to make this better? yeah - don't invite them over every two weeks. that's frequent - maybe he'd like to spend time/holidays/weekends with his wife and children without other people there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 If your parents weren't visiting, would your dh be spending the time with you and the kids, or would he be working or be otherwise busy with other things? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I guess my answer would depend on how often you have other people over. I wouldn't say having guests over every other week is too much. But if you have them over every 2 weeks and other friends over once a month or twice a month it all adds up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I would love it if my kids could see their grandparents every two weeks, but maybe you could start meeting your parents different places at least half the time, and hardly ever having them over when dh is home? I don't think it's fair for your parents to miss out on grand kids and for your kids to miss them either. Maybe you and the kids could have some adventures in the RV so that dh could really have some alone time, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I would love it if my kids could see their grandparents every two weeks, but maybe you could start meeting your parents different places at least half the time, and hardly ever having them over when dh is home? I don't think it's fair for your parents to miss out on grand kids and for your kids to miss them either. Maybe you and the kids could have some adventures in the RV so that dh could really have some alone time, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 No advice but sending you lots of hugs. This sounds like a difficult situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I think that if it bothers him, then it is fine that they not visit when he is around. I too suggest that you visit them and have them visit you in the day time when your DH is working or busy. That way, you can enjoy their company without tension or feeling bad that one of you is not enjoying the visit. Another idea is to suggest to your parents that you would like your kids to have a fun RV trip with them (field trip?) every 2 weeks. Then, you can schedule the trip on a weekday morning. I have been in your DH's position and know what it feels like to tag along to family events without knowing how to say that I did not like to spend what little free time I had socializing with my ILs who are not my type. The compromise I have reached after many years of putting up with it is to send my DH and DS as often as possible to have lunch or dinner with his family and spend a few hours with them. So, go and see them and have them visit you and do it when your DH is not around because you can have a more relaxed time that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I would plan to do things with grandparents when dh was scheduled to work. I'd reserve dh and grandparent together time for a couple of holidays and kids'' birthdays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticmomma Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Jhvf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Jhvf :confused1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Assuming your husband is an introvert, I can sympathize with him. My husband likes to have people over (friends; we don't live near family), and even when it's people I enjoy, I find myself thinking, "What? You want them to come over again?! We just had people over!" ... and then I realize that we "just" had people over a month ago ... Try to find out what the problem is--does he want the time with just you and the kids, in which case you should try to interact with your parents when he can't be there anyway? Does he just feel drained by having people over, in which case you can see them whenever but if he's home, plan to meet them elsewhere? For example, one of my main reasons for not wanting people to come over is that if people are coming over, I feel like the house has to be extra clean, so I wear myself out getting the house ready and the meal/snacks ready, and then as an introvert, even if I enjoy their company, it's exhausting to interact with them anyway, so one visit may exhaust me so much that I take 2 weeks to recover; if I had people coming over every 2 weeks, I'd be constantly stressed and exhausted and miserable. It's just not worth it unless it's a special occasion or people I really and truly enjoy. What works for us is to get together outside of our house more frequently--it only takes me a day to recover from that :) --and only have people over every month or two. In any case, I think you need to talk with you husband to figure out exactly what the problem is and work to find a solution that will work for the whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I agree with others that you should try to visit when DH isn't around, Does he work outside the home? Can your parents visit during that time? Does your DH have somewhere to go or something else to do if he is home? Like does he go to the gym or a friend's house? That would give him a legitimate excuse as to why he's not there every time. I just don't know how I'd explain it to my parents though. I wouldn't want them to think he doesn't like them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Grandparents aren't guests - they're family. My UO for the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 FWIW, my dh is an introvert, and my dad lives close by and visits often. I help him, as he is getting up in years. My "deal" with dh is that he has no responsibilities when my dad is over. He sometimes is upstairs working (he works at home) the entire time my dad visits and never sees him. He sometimes says "hi" on the way through the room. This works just fine for all of us. My dad requires some time and energy from me due to his stage in life, but he also has a lot to add to our family. On balance, he is not a drain to us, and dh knows this and is good at remembering it. I know that he does not want to spend much time socializing with my dad, and I am good at remembering this. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Grandparents aren't guests - they're family. My UO for the day. I agree. We always accommodate my ILs schedule when they come to visit. It may not be my favorite thing in the whole world but if they lived 20-30 minutes away, I would expect to see them every week or two. Holidays and such like especially. They are there for the kids, right? If there isn't something you are leaving out, I don't see the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I agree. We always accommodate my ILs schedule when they come to visit. It may not be my favorite thing in the whole world but if they lived 20-30 minutes away, I would expect to see them every week or two. Holidays and such like especially. They are there for the kids, right? If there isn't something you are leaving out, I don't see the problem. Along with this: I don't clean up particularly for their visits. I don't get special food. We do our normal stuff and are in and out. They do the same when we visit them. If it is a special day then we prepare more but even then no one is on ceremony. This is because they live fairly close by. If they lived far away then of course we would have to plan more. So on a recent visit dh and the kids were out at Home Depot when they first arrived. I chatted with them for awhile while doing some stuff in the kitchen. The rest of the family came back and said "hi". Ds started to look at the computer that Grandpa brought for him to fix. Dd wandered out to get the dog. I wandered out to do some other things of my own while dh took his turn catching up with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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