Uncomfortable with the phrasing "Daddy-daughter dates" or "Went on a date with my son..."

[Gentlemommy]

I have a problem with the word "date" as it relates to the purity ball culture, but not other than that. When people post videos on FB of fathers taking their little girls out for "dates" where they get dressed up and bring flowers to their daughters because they want to "be the first man in their daughter's life" etc, that makes me uncomfortable. I have no problem with a Dad saying to his daughter "hey, let's go grab some ice cream together" and then saying they had an ice cream date. Even though they're so similar, what makes me uncomfortable is the idea of the Dad trying to stake a claim on his daughter. It feels emotionally manipulative to make a big deal/statement/movement out of something as simple as one on one time. That should just be a natural part of regular old parenting.

 

This, exactly. Dh and I regularly take one of our dd's out alone for a 'date'. It's just a way to spend some one on one time with them. We go out for ice cream, or to the bookstore, or the movies. The girls have my wedding dress (dh got it tailored so it would fit them and they play with it) and play 'wedding' with him, dress up fancy and dance with him, ect. It's all about having fun and pretending, playing and spending time with each of our kids. And I'm about as opposed to purity balls as one can get. They gross me out to no end.

[8circles]

I don't like 'dates' with parents for the reasons stated. Despite my negative feelings about the phrase, I don't think negative things about those who use it. The act itself can be creepy or not but that is separate from the wording.

[J-rap]

I know of people who use that terminology and I know they are sincerely sweet people who don't mean anything by it at all.  It's just a fad term right now.

 

That said, I don't like it at all and would never use it myself.

[wonderchica]

The people I see on my Facebook who talk about Daddy-daughter "dates" aren't referring to taking the kid out for a meal solo or a movie. They are dressing up, buying flowers and going to a fancy meal with the expressed purpose of "teaching her how men should treat her on dates". I find it odd that some simple conversations about it wouldn't suffice.

[Word Nerd]

I think it's odd but don't hear it used much at all anyway.

[maize]

There are some words that make me cringe or make me feel icky/creepy when used, in particular when married couples call each other "mommy" and "daddy" to each other (not when referring to each other to the kids.) Lots of people do it and think nothing of it, but it weirds me out because of abuse in my childhood.

 

For some, the word "date" has a strong romantic/s3xual/adult connotation, and if that is the way the word has been predominately used now or in the past, then yeah it makes sense why it would creep people out to use it when referring to children. Myself and in my experiences it has been used to refer to setting aside specific time to get together. I use it with my husband, friends, and children.

 

My other thought is that DH and I believe that modeling behavior is really important to raising our children. I want my children to know by our example how to be treated by the people that love them and how to treat the people that they love. Family, friends, and romantic loves. So when DH or I take a child (or the child takes either DH or myself) on a "date" or 1-on-1 time, we focus our attention on each other, ask about interests, share tidbits of ourselves, decide on an event/place that the other would enjoy, pay for said event, etc. I don't want my children to go out on romantic dates (or even out with friends or family), and not know how to treat the other person or know how they themselves should be treated nor do I want them to think that going on a date = s3xual behavior. To many girls and guys I knew in college believed agreeing to go on a date with someone was also agreeing to s3x.

I like your approach.

 

I came from a religious culture where even romantic dating was never about sex, it was about getting to know someone, having fun in a social setting, and eventually finding a spouse. Sex only came into the picture after the wedding.

[katilac]

You've never made an appointment with a friend and concluded with "That's a date"?

 

I don't think the word "date" by itself is romantic at all. All the ways it is currently used (including playdate as already mentioned) help it shake that connotation.

 

I don't say it myself, but I think that saying, "that's a date" is quite different from saying "BFF and I are going on a date Friday."

[Tangerine]

I don't like it either.  Even if I remove it from the purity-ball context in my mind, it doesn't jibe with me.  Something about it sounds contrived to me.  I just like to go hang out with them without turning into a "thing".  It's not how the dynamic works in my family.  Perhaps if I had a kid who would really thrive on getting gussied up and getting flowers I might feel different.  It just wouldn't feel genuine in my house.

[8circles]

I don't say it myself, but I think that saying, "that's a date" is quite different from saying "BFF and I are going on a date Friday."

Yup.  These are not the same thing at all to me.

[Ivey]

I know several families who use the term "date" regularly when talking about 1-on-1 time with their kids. One family uses it regardless of gender, which doesn't really bother me. Some of the romantic connotation I have with the word "date" is erased when I know that the (straight) father goes on "dates" with his son, not just with his daughter.  

 

The other families only use the term for father-daughter or mother-son "dates". This bothers me. Aside from the romantic/incestuous side of things, it bugs me that a father and son going out together isn't a big deal, but a father and daughter spending time together needs a title. 

[DragonFaerie]

I have no idea what a purity ball is, but we have used the phrase before.  However, for us "Daddy-Daughter-Dinner-Date," or 4D :), was when DH would pick DD up from gymnastics practice and take her to dinner before they came home (no dressing up or flowers involved; think leos, chalk, and Ruby Tuesdays LOL..).  We started it because between her practice and his work, they almost never got to spend time together.  So every other Friday became 4D night.  They don't do that anymore (no more gymnastics).  Now we have "Girls' Day" for DD and I to spend some time together and my son has coined "Aidan-Mommy Day" whenever we have 20 minutes to spend together. Time with dad these days is fishing. :D

[Reefgazer]

It makes you feel icky because it is icky; for exactly the reasons you said.  Let's call it an outing.

I've always been uncomfortable with the trend of a parent and their child spending one-on-one time together and calling it a date. My dad took me out to a restaurant each year on my birthday. It was a special time as our family rarely went out to eat. We did not call it a date even thought it was just the two of us. I looked forward to it each year and have great memories of it. 

 

To me, a date is an outing with a potential or actual boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm even alright with husbands and wives calling a special evening out a date. But why does it make me feel all icky when a parent takes their child out and calls it a date? I fully realize there is nothing untoward going on. It's just terminology that doesn't seem appropriate. I can't distinguish if being bothered by this language is just a hangup I have or a weird trend likely started innocently by a caring parent and caught on--particularly in the evangelical circles. 

 

[Miss Peregrine]

We call it " special day." A carryover from when my kids were little. They are mostly teens now but it stuck.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When my children were young my son would have "boy time" with his dad.  Then dd wanted to have "boy time" with her dad too.  They would have "girl time" with me.  Obviously the boy or girl part was dependent on the gender of the parent, not the child, for some reason!  Now they don't call it anything but they do spend time with each of us.  

[Soror]

The people I see on my Facebook who talk about Daddy-daughter "dates" aren't referring to taking the kid out for a meal solo or a movie. They are dressing up, buying flowers and going to a fancy meal with the expressed purpose of "teaching her how men should treat her on dates". I find it odd that some simple conversations about it wouldn't suffice.

Yes, anytime I've heard it mentioned it is in this context and I really dislike it. Now a group that we belong to had one recently and my hubby and 2 daughters went. I really did not like the spin that some of the people put on it. Dh is supposed to be showing them how a man treats a women on a date but that isn't his place as a dad imo, that to me is the creepy part. Dh can show them how a man treats another lady respectfully but not truly like a date, as in a romantic date which the meetings are meant to emulate. For ours we kept it simple in that it was a nice time for just Daddy and the girls, we've been taking turns taking the kids out without everyone and this was an extension of that for us. Some of the people were treating it like prom or something. I'm sure that the vast majority have nothing but good intentions but I think the way it is done and talked about by some is not healthy or appropriate for a father/daughter relationship.