How much to tell 20 yo dd about a family member?

[OneStepAtATime]

You did great, Mom!  Wonderful way to handle a tough situation.  

 

[texasmama]

I have a very inappropriate mother in law (in word and deed), and my kids were pretty aware of her oddities by the age of 12 or so.  In my experience, the layers of awareness deepened to the point at which most of my kids want nothing to do with her and my oldest child (almost 19) has a limited relationship with her knowing MIL's "quirks".  I want nothing to do with her and mostly am able to accomplish this. 

 

When my kids noticed things or reported things to me that were inappropriate, I agreed that these things were inappropriate and explained to the kids why.  One example is her telling one of my children who was attending therapy at the time that the child doesn't need therapy because therapy is only for people who are crazy.  That is one example in a very long list. 

 

I watched my SIL cover for MIL for years and giving excuses for her to her kids.  I don't choose to do this.  I call it like it is so my kids will understand that their perceptions are correct, and MIL is an inappropriate person who cannot be trusted.

 

BTW, I have two nieces adopted from foster care and one step niece, and I refer to them as my nieces.

[texasmama]

When I woke up this morning, I had a text from dd that said, "Mom, do you think Aunt So-and-so left us out on purpose?" I responded with, "Probably. She has never been a very nice person, and she frequently says and does thoughtless, careless things. I don't like her very much, and you don't have to either."

 

She responded a few minutes later with "LOL!"

 

I don't know whether that's the end of the discussion or whether she was just in a hurry to get to work and couldn't respond more fully, but I feel a lot better that I started letting the cat out of the bag. I just hope that dd sees SIL's actions for what they are: a poor reflection on SIL and not a poor reflection on dd.

 

Thanks to everyone who sensitively responded to a tough situation.

This is a perfect response.  I have said similar things to my kids.  There was a period of years when dh in particular struggled with letting go of the image of his mom as a decent person.  During this time, he really did not want me to "talk negatively" about her.  It was a conundrum for me because she was so all the time over the top inappropriate.  Dh has come to understand that his mother will never be a "safe" person for any of us to have a relationship with so this helps a lot.  She no longer has access to my minor children without us present, and she only sees them about twice a year during family events.  Yay.  :)

[Mommyfaithe]

This weekend we were at my dh's grandmother's funeral. My SIL gave the eulogy. After the funeral, my dd20 said to me, "Did you notice how [sIL] left the adopted great-grandkids out?" I had, in fact, noticed. The exact words aren't important, but the context was such that only the biological great-grandkids were mentioned. I told dd, "Yes, it was careless of your aunt, but I'm sure that when she wrote the eulogy she was thinking only about her sadness and not about how her specific words would sound."

 

However ...

 

This SIL has a history of insensitivity. She has made a stink about sharing a bathroom with our HIV+ daughter on a family vacation. She has told us that her in-laws would not attend her dd's birthday party if our dd were there (the strong implication being we shouldn't come). She has publicly stated that they would never adopt a black child. She has refused our attempts to help her become educated about HIV. And she has made many self-congratulatory statements about how she treats our kids "just like they are my real niece and nephew."

 

I know that nothing I say is going to change my SIL, and I have always shielded my kids from her unkindness. But I am getting tired of acting like she is just fine and dandy, and I feel like maybe I should let my dd know what kind of person SIL really is. The only thing that gives me pause is that dd20 has really struggled to find her place in our family (she was adopted as a pre-teen), and it's only been within the last two years that she has made peace with her situation.

 

Should I just hold my tongue?

I am an adopted kid. I had an aunt like that. I noticed. It hurt deeply. No one ever said anything so I thought it was my fault, or something I did. I was over 40 when one of my cousins, who also adopted a child, said something to me about my unfair treatment....and she said this aunt treated her dd the same way.

 

Say something!!! It is not unnoticed!

[Truscifi]

She's 20.  She's probably already figured out so-and-so is an ass. She probably just wants some confirmation that she is not alone in that perception.  I see no problem with expressing your real opinion of that person.  If you don't want to out-right say "why yes, so-and-so is an ass" you could simply say that so-and-so is "a real piece of work, bless her heart." *

 

 

 

 

 

 

* I'm sorry. I don't know how to translate that to any of the non-Southern languages.

 

I don't believe there is a direct translation. :P

 

When I woke up this morning, I had a text from dd that said, "Mom, do you think Aunt So-and-so left us out on purpose?" I responded with, "Probably. She has never been a very nice person, and she frequently says and does thoughtless, careless things. I don't like her very much, and you don't have to either."

 

She responded a few minutes later with "LOL!"

 

I don't know whether that's the end of the discussion or whether she was just in a hurry to get to work and couldn't respond more fully, but I feel a lot better that I started letting the cat out of the bag. I just hope that dd sees SIL's actions for what they are: a poor reflection on SIL and not a poor reflection on dd.

 

Thanks to everyone who sensitively responded to a tough situation.

 

I think your answer was perfect. :thumbup1:

[East Coast Sue]

Having personally walked through something very similar- even down to the funeral of a grandparent with comments made about the "real children, real grandchildren" by an aunt- I say tell her as much as you can as gently, yet honestly. I think its important to help your daughter with boundaries so that this person might not inflict pain and hurt in a relationship. It will be helpful for her to understand that this person has hurt you and your children and that is not okay.  Children who enter a family through adoption (frequently) have low self esteem and struggle with their self confidence. This is an opportunity I would not pass up to model an appropriate and measured response to someone who is mean and hurtful. All kids need that example, but some need it much more than others. I think you are doing a great job supporting your daughter and its quite impressive that she came to talk to you about this issues. She is looking to you to see how to handle it- well done! But don't feel that you need to hold your tongue, unless it would hurt your daughter's self esteem.

 

 

[Lieutenant Stranger]

I stopped covering for people long ago. I used to always make excuses- and yes, we have some pretty insensitive (though gee, not even that much) people in my family.

 

Personally, at 20, I was tired of people not telling me the truth all the time and think she is old enough. I guess that is up to you-- since her background might make her more sensitive. 

 

She probably already knows, but might want validation from you.

[warneral]

first of all - big hugs to you!  I totally understand why you have been protecting dd from her all this time.  I think you are wisest in the situation since you have been living it all this time.  Trusting your gut that it is time for her to understand the truth about SIL sounds right.

[Rebel Yell]

When I woke up this morning, I had a text from dd that said, "Mom, do you think Aunt So-and-so left us out on purpose?" I responded with, "Probably. She has never been a very nice person, and she frequently says and does thoughtless, careless things. I don't like her very much, and you don't have to either."

 

She responded a few minutes later with "LOL!"

 

I don't know whether that's the end of the discussion or whether she was just in a hurry to get to work and couldn't respond more fully, but I feel a lot better that I started letting the cat out of the bag. I just hope that dd sees SIL's actions for what they are: a poor reflection on SIL and not a poor reflection on dd.

 

Thanks to everyone who sensitively responded to a tough situation.

 

:hurray:

 

WHen the timing seems right, help her prepare some polite responses to have handy- I call them "cue cards"- for when this person says stupid things in the future.  SOme people do better knowing they have a response prepared. Or let her know that she does NOT have to respond, and can simply ignore or walk away.

 

So sad.  :grouphug:

 

[Evergreen State Sue]

Some people are family and some people are just related to you.  It sounds like this SIL is just related to you.  Someone who was truly family wouldn't treat your daughter like that.  That's why I think what you said in your text was appropriate.

[Miss Mousie]

Wow, your text was perfect.  I want to be just like you when I grow up.  :coolgleamA:

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

Coming late to the conversation.

 

I'd love to give your charming sil a piece of my mind.

 

:grouphug:  to your daughter and other kids for having to rise above the bad behavior of small-minded people.

 

 

 

Tara, your instincts are spot-on. I think you handled this perfectly. Matter of fact, honest, with love and humor. Good for you.

[MistyMountain]

At 20 I would tell her the truth and I wouldn't even worry about being gentle. I think what you wrote is perfect.

[Tammyla]

I think you were the good mom and responded with love in both situations. 

 

Dealing with the death of a loved one is difficult for all of us, but young people often need lots of tlc and understanding as they process not only thier loss, but how others react and respond privately and publicly.  Maturing into an adult and realizing your relatives are insensitive & selfish donkey-butts is a lot to handle.

 

:grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

Can we have a WTM committee visit SIL for a little powwow?  Perhaps a few afternoons of reeducation therapy?  :)

[Tap]

I think you did good.   :hurray:

[ThisIsTheDay]

t I would never protect the SIL at the expense of validating your dd's feelings about the SIL.

 

ETA, just read your update:

 

Great response to your dd.

 

* * *

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

And btw, your sil sounds like a complete and utter b*tch.  That's horrible that she would behave this way to your children, despicable. If it were my family, I'd switch things up to protect my children at all costs, young or old, and leave dh to deal with her.  I would not do what I could in the name of family peace just to make things easy at the expense of my kids.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

If you don't want to out-right say "why yes, so-and-so is an ass" you could simply say that so-and-so is "a real piece of work, bless her heart." *

 

 

 

 

 

 

* I'm sorry. I don't know how to translate that to any of the non-Southern languages.

 

I don't believe there is a direct translation. :p

 

 

 

"you are so sweet" said with a frozen smile sometimes works.

 

dh knew a family that would say ___"plays the piano beautifully" if they couldn't come up with anything nice to say.  the better they "played", the harder they were working to say something nice.