Help me be honest but tactful?

[Jenny in Florida]

Some of you may remember the drama we had with our kind-of-former church a few years ago regarding placing my son in the high school youth group. I don't want to re-hash it, but it is part of the background for this situation. So, briefly, my family had attended the same church since before my son was walking. He grew up there and considered it his second home, the one place he "fit." In fact, we moved into the house we now rent because it is close enough to allow him to walk so he could be there as much as possible. However, the church leadership was not understanding or accommodating when my son wanted to stay in youth group and Sunday school classes with his friends who were in the same grade but a year or two older. He had been with them for several years, and they are all close friends outside of church. It was important to him, and we had been assured it would be okay. Then the rug was pulled out from under him about two weeks before class started. He was devastated, and the church leadership did not handle it well. There was more to it, of course, more reasons why it was so important to him to stay in that group and specific ways in which we felt the church leadership blew it, but was the crux of the issue.

 

He ended up sitting out of religious education that year and has never really managed to feel the same about the church since. He has gotten re-involved, but he now sees it almost entirely as a way to be with his friends. He feels no connection to the church, itself.

 

The church's RE year is winding down now, and they are preparing for the annual service to thank teachers and share what happened in Sunday school classes that year. It is also traditionally when they recognize graduating students. Several weeks ago, I was contacted by the woman who is planning the service. She is now the head of the RE committee and is also the mother of one of my son's friends. Although she was not directly involved in the drama of a couple of years ago, she was in the loop and knows things haven't been the same between the church and my family ever since. She asked me for a couple of pictures of my son from his earliest days in the church so that they could use them in a presentation to recognize his (early) graduation from high school. It's somewhat rare for a child to be there as consistently and as long as my son has been, and they want to celebrate it. It's supposed to be a surprise for him.

 

When she first contacted me, I explained that my son might not be at church on the day of the service, because he has a dance competition scheduled that weekend. She asked me to let her know once the competition schedule posted.

 

In the meantime, it has become clear that my son is still harboring more hurt feelings than I had understood. He was saying that he didn't really want to go to the RE service, because he doesn't have much interest in celebrating this year of Sunday school. I really expected it would not be an issue, because the dance competition would be in the way, anyway. Nonetheless, I was gently encouraging him to go if he is available, since I thought he would like the acknowledgment. (He's a performer and normally loves being the center of attention.) Finally, I broke down and told him what is going on, and, instead of nudging him toward going, it solidified his desire to skip it. I explained that this is a big moment for him, leaving a church in which he's grown up, that it's been a huge part of his life, even if the last couple of years have been rocky . . . He has been adamant he wouldn't go even if he is available.

 

Well, as I'm sure those of you who stuck with me thus far have gathered, we got the competition schedule today, and it turns out he is free the day of the service.

 

I texted him when I looked at the schedule, asking what he wants to do, since I owe the RE committee leader a response to her most recent e-mail query (just a couple of days ago). He said he wants to give an excuse not to go. I told him we will not be fibbing about this. I don't like to lie at all, but especially not to a woman I like and have been friendly with for several years. He says he wants to talk about it later.

 

Although I absolutely respect my son's feelings on this issue (I mean, it is a bit ironic that they want to recognize him for graduating early when they refused to acknowledge he was old enough to be in high school just three years ago, right?), both my husband and I would like him to participate. We are no longer active members, but we have friends there whom we know care for our son and who would appreciate the chance to share this transition with him. I also think it could be meaningful for him, if he can set aside the other stuff for a morning. We won't push him to go if he really feels strongly about it, though.

 

So (and I'm sorry it took so long to get here!), here's the question: If he does decide not to go, only because he doesn't feel comfortable participating in this little ceremony because of the lingering issues, what do I say to the RE committee leader? Although I like her, I do not have confidence that she would be discrete if we told her the truth. I do not believe she would gossip or do anything hurtful on purpose, but I can absolutely see her approaching someone in leadership to see if she could bring about a resolution. I refuse to lie about this, but I also don't want to upset her or risk creating a situation in which she or another member of the church leadership would open old wounds by trying to have a heart-to-heart about this with my son. I have every reason to believe that such a conversation would not resolve anything for him and would only be painful.

 

My son will be going to college only about 90 minutes away and does plan to visit his friends at church when he is home for the occasional weekend. I definitely do not want to burn any bridges for him.

 

I'd be very grateful if anyone could share ideas for how to walk this tightrope? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[regentrude]

All you need to say is "I am very sorry, but unfortunately my son will be unable to attend the ceremony".

You do not owe them a detailed explanation why exactly he is unable.

[Wilma]

"I'm sorry but it turns out that Timmy won't be at the ceremony. I sure do appreciate you wanting to include him, though."

 

You don't owe anyone a full explanation, and shorter is probably better than otherwise.

[Jenny in Florida]

All you need to say is "I am very sorry, but unfortunately my son will be unable to attend the ceremony".

You do not owe them a detailed explanation why exactly he is unable.

 

That's what I keep telling myself, but there is just enough closeness between the two families that I feel awkward about it, like that would be too brusque a statement for the relationship we've had.

 

Again, we're not super close friends, and have been less so since my family took a step back from the church. But she is a good-hearted person and will be saddened if I don't handle this well.

[justasque]

Another possibility may be to go all in for the dance competition: attend that day and cheer on the other dancers on his team who compete.    I'm not sure how I would feel about it, but I thought I'd throw it out there as a possibility in case it works for you.  It would have the added bonus of taking his mind off of the church event and giving him a good time with dance friends.

[bolt.]

You could include the idea of "other plans" quite honestly (they don't have to be specific plans for if to be true). It's likely she will jump to the conclusion that the dance competition is the "plan" and I think all of you would feel OK about that as a misunderstanding.

 

However you could send photos and allow them to mention his achievement in his absence. Perhaps they will send him a meaningful card.

[Jenny in Florida]

Another possibility may be to go all in for the dance competition: attend that day and cheer on the other dancers on his team who compete.    I'm not sure how I would feel about it, but I thought I'd throw it out there as a possibility in case it works for you.  It would have the added bonus of taking his mind off of the church event and giving him a good time with dance friends.

 

I thought of that, too, but his entire team is competing only on Saturday. 

 

Good thought, though!

[bettyandbob]

ds has other plans for that day. 

 

You do not need to say his other plans are avoiding church. If pressed, you can state that as the parent of an older teen/soon to be college student you are not always kept informed of all plans, but he has said something is already scheduled. Again, not stating something = doing anything but church. 

[lavender's green]

Keep it short, sweet, and simple. 

 

Part of transitioning into adulthood is taking responsibility for your own decisions and interpersonal relationships.  Part of being a parent is letting it happen, maybe with a little loving guidance.  Part of being a good friend and family member is not getting (or refusing to get) in between others.  If you must be the messenger, keep things extremely basic.  But as he continues to transition into adulthood be less of a messenger.  (Obviously you had to be in this case because it was meant to be a surprise.  However, your only responsibility is to tell your friend whether or not he can make it.)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

That's what I keep telling myself, but there is just enough closeness between the two families that I feel awkward about it, like that would be too brusque a statement for the relationship we've had.

 

Again, we're not super close friends, and have been less so since my family took a step back from the church. But she is a good-hearted person and will be saddened if I don't handle this well.

 

I think the more details you provide, the greater the likelihood that she or someone else will take offense. Or that they will try to find a way to make it possible for him to attend.

 

If  you are short and definitive, then there isn't anything to explain or negotiate.

[Sunshine State Sue]

An option:

He is not comfortable attending. 

It's the truth...

[Garga]

It is very obvious that if you really don't want anyone knowing his real feelings that you simply say, "Oh, it just won't work that day." If she inquires why, "He already has something going on that day. Hey, I read in the bulletin about the church picnic coming up. Are you bringing anything to it?"

 

Since it's such an obvious response, I think that not-so-deep down you're wishing you could tell them the real reason. My own son got hurt recently by a minor issue at church and BOY did I want them to know. They hurt my SON. So, I get where you're coming from.

 

You have a choice. Respect your son's wish for privacy about his feelings or tell them the flat out truth so they *know* what they've done.

 

Well, really, you don't have a choice. You are going to respect your son's wishes and you are simply going to say what I quoted above. "Oh, it just won't work that day."

[Jean in Newcastle]

I totally understand why he wouldn't want to go to a ceremony at a place where he didn't felt welcome or respected - esp. when the very nature of the ceremony would high-light the things that caused the division in the first place -  his accelerated schooling and development.  I don't think it is burning bridges to just say "no".  

[Rosie_0801]

I'd say "Son is not interested in attending such an event, but I thank you for considering him."

[Carol in Cal.]

I would either say, "He doesn't want to attend, and I am letting him make the decision.  Thank you so much for thinking of us--it was very kind of you, and I appreciate it more than I can say."

 

or

 

I would tell him to talk to her himself.

 

I agree that you shouldn't lie for him, and I think that, given that you've already laid the groundwork with the dance competition excuse, if you say that he can't make it, that's basically untruthful. 

[abba12]

I agree, short and sweet, don't lie but don't volunteer information. "Sorry, we won't be able to make it" is fine.

 

If you feel like you absolutely must say something, and I can definitely understand that need, then keep it short as well, details will only upset people. Something like

"I'm sorry, DS won't be attending the service. As you know, he has had issues in the past few years with the church and RE leadership, and he doesn't feel comfortable being involved with the ceremony as things stand. Thank you for considering him with the photos"

That also puts it onto your son if they do try to chase a resolution, not necessarily a bad thing for him, as a young adult, to learn about dealing with the issue instead of continuing to pretend it doesn't exist. They obviously dealt with it badly, but if he is still harboring resentment but has not made those feelings known and still attends, maybe a revisit and discussion wouldn't be a terrible idea. As an adult, I'd hate to have that hanging over my head as I attended church each week, I'd never truly feel welcome. Maybe it should be properly resolved. 

[Alexigail]

If it were me, I'd just say he's not available.  Then I'd make sure to let your friend know how much you appreciate her efforts to include him.  

[Jenny in Florida]

Since it's such an obvious response, I think that not-so-deep down you're wishing you could tell them the real reason. My own son got hurt recently by a minor issue at church and BOY did I want them to know. They hurt my SON. So, I get where you're coming from.

 

No, actually, I want him to want to go. I want him to feel comfortable there and to be able to enjoy what should be a nice moment in his life.

 

I have no desire whatsoever to rehash the drama or to make anyone feel badly about it. 

 

I'm very sad that this is the situation. I'm trying to find an approach that will inflict the least possible upset on everyone involved.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I think you are wrong for trying to push him into this, or telling him you're not going to lie, etc.  He's already gone through major adjustments in working things out at this church.  He doesn't want to go, and the "least amount of upset" needs to be with him in mind, not anyone in the church.  I understand you want to keep everyone happy, but it seems like you should be able to tell your friend, "Look, I really appreciate the effort you've made in this. But he is just not comfortable receiving the recognition and is not interested in participating."  End of conversation.  If she pushes, you smile and say, "No," and don't get into the fact that you wish he'd choose differently.  Just pass the bean dip and ask her about something else regarding the celebration/program/her child/whatever.

[J-rap]

As others have said, I would just make it short and sweet:

 

"Sorry, I guess it won't work out for him to attend.  Thanks for thinking about him!"

 

I wouldn't push your son to go, either.  I can understand how he feels.  At the same time, I would try and encourage him to not feel bitter about bygones.  Just help him see that some nice people made a dumb decision.  (But I would still not push him to go.)

[Garga]

No, actually, I want him to want to go. I want him to feel comfortable there and to be able to enjoy what should be a nice moment in his life.

 

I have no desire whatsoever to rehash the drama or to make anyone feel badly about it.

 

I'm very sad that this is the situation. I'm trying to find an approach that will inflict the least possible upset on everyone involved.

 

It is very sad. Very sad.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think you are wrong for trying to push him into this, or telling him you're not going to lie, etc.  He's already gone through major adjustments in working things out at this church.  He doesn't want to go, and the "least amount of upset" needs to be with him in mind, not anyone in the church.  I understand you want to keep everyone happy, but it seems like you should be able to tell your friend, "Look, I really appreciate the effort you've made in this. But he is just not comfortable receiving the recognition and is not interested in participating."  End of conversation.  If she pushes, you smile and say, "No," and don't get into the fact that you wish he'd choose differently.  Just pass the bean dip and ask her about something else regarding the celebration/program/her child/whatever.

 

For what it's worth, there's no pushing. My daughter was trying to help when we were driving home from the dance studio tonight, and I shut her down when I thought she was coming to close to trying to talk him into going. I've said repeatedly that I understand and respect his feelings on the subject and that we will not force him to go. I wish he could go and feel good about it, but if he can't, that's completely legit.

 

My goal here is to handle this in a way that is honest but that causes the least upset, mostly for him, but also for the people I do like and respect at the church. I feel very certain that saying anything like what you suggested would result in someone trying to "fix" the problem. I'm already sad that my son isn't in a place to enjoy and appreciate this small happy moment. The very last thing  I want is for turning it down to become the impetus for yet more drama.

 

Painting with a broad brush, I think most of the folks who've suggested saying something true but saying as little as possible are right. I just have to figure out the balance and the right wording.

[Jenny in Florida]

Okay, I just sent her the following note:

 

"Unfortunately, unless something changes in the next couple of days, I don't think Son will be there on that date. Thanks so much for wanting to include him, though!"

 

The "unless something changes" part is because my son did agree to take a day to consider some things my daughter said during our post-dance-school drive home tonight. 

 

Sigh. I just wish I could go back and fix it for him.

[Starr]

Next they will change the date... :grouphug: