How often do you host play dates?

[Bensmom]

I have an only child (age 11). He is fabulous at entertaining himself, but loves for the boys down the street to come play too. Problem is, these three other boys have started showing up at our house (uninvited) everyday after school. One of the moms even stops her car at our house on their way home from school for her son to jump out and ask to play. (I use the word "ask" very loosely here. When I have said no, the child has told me his mother told him to stay at our house, or he just goes in our backyard and starts playing on the fort. I have tried speaking to his mom about this but she doesnt speak much English and just smiles and nods.). They are on my doorstep every Sat. and Sun. afternoon. The parents often leave home and go shopping etc. and when I tell the boys it is time to go home, they tell me they can't because there is no one home. The mom who does speak English seems to just want her boys here and not at home.

I would like to establish some guidelines for how often (and how long) we will host play dates. How often do you have play dates, and what do you recommend?

[mom2bee]

What language does this non-English-speaking mother speak? Is there no way for you to communicate with her? Perhaps someone here speaks Mandarin/Dutch/Spanish/Klingon and can help you draft a short letter to her?

If the boys are over 9ish, I'd send them home. You didn't tell them to "go to their mother" you said for them to "go home."

When they tell you no-one is home, ask them if they have a key to their house. I would stand at the end of the drive way where this mother routinely stops and put her son back in the car. I take it that the son speaks English and the other language, right?

 

Hi, Jr. Today isn't a good day/time for you to play. You have to get back in the car with your mom. Okay, put him in the car and have him translate/tell his mom the situation from the backseat while you stand nearby.

[Bensmom]

Russian. And yes, the boy speaks English and Russian fluently.

What language does this non-English-speaking mother speak? Is there no way for you to communicate with her? Perhaps someone here speaks Mandarin/Dutch/Spanish/Klingon and can help you draft a short letter to her?
If the boys are over 9ish, I'd send them home. You didn't tell them to "go to their mother" you said for them to "go home."
When they tell you no-one is home, ask them if they have a key to their house. I would stand at the end of the drive way where this mother routinely stops and put her son back in the car. I take it that the son speaks English and the other language, right?

Hi, Jr. Today isn't a good day/time for you to play. You have to get back in the car with your mom. Okay, put him in the car and have him translate/tell his mom the situation from the backseat while you stand nearby.

[regentrude]

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[73349]

It is not a playdate if kids are being dropped off at your house uninvited. A playdate is arranged in advance and works for both families' schedules.

[NorthwestMom]

I'm assuming you are in America(?). With the age you are talking about, I would just say, "Sorry" when the kids come to the door, or have your son say it, and then tell them they can't stay in the yard when you are not home/outside too. They must go to their own home and wait there if necessary. Playing alone in someone else's yard is not a typical thing to do here and it makes people uncomfortable. If the parents are recent immigrants they probably have no idea that dropping and leaving is not ok. Luckily, the kids are old enough to manage on their own for awhile. If you do it consistently you will probably see a change in the behavior. 

 

 

[Ameena]

We have the same issue with the neighbors granddaughters who also {quasi} homeschool. Every other month when they are here, they are over pretty much all day unless we are gone. And wanting snacks / lunch.

 

I hate to send them home as dd needs the friends, but on the other hand I really don't like the younger one's attitude.

[PeacefulChaos]

My option isn't there:

What on earth would I want to host a play date for?

[Bensmom]

It might be fun if it involved booze and pie.

Sparkly,
I thought you just needed bacon. Now it's booze and pie too? Afraid I am all out. I have chocolate though!

[HS Mom in NC]

Play dates are prearranged and scheduled between two households.  I do about one a month.

Drop ins are completely different. I do those several times a week as host and as the dropper offer. Well, they just walk across or down the street to each house.

 

There are 2 sets of neighbor kids that play at our house several times a week for as many hours as they can. Several times a month some combination of them stays for dinner too.

 

My daughter: 8

Set of sisters A: 10 and 4

Set of sisters B: 8 and 4

 

Usually it's my daughter and one or both of the older sisters.  Sometimes a little sister or two is thrown into the bargain.  I usually host at my house, but sometimes they go over to the other two houses.  The longer they play the happier I am.  They're nice girls and get along really well. Their parents have good behavioral standards and don't get upset if you point out their kid misbehaved-which is rare but has happened twice. They make the kids apologize in person.
 

I have fruit and crackers on hand for snacks. Sometimes it's otter pops.  Popcorn is a cheap snack too.

No one is offended if we say we can't play.  The girls just ask when they're available and if it works out it works out.  If it doesn't, it's just no big deal.

 

No one is offended if we say, "OK, girls.  Time to go home." No explanation is required.  They just say, "OK, thank you for letting me play. See you later." and we send them on their way.  It may be hours later, it may be 40 minutes later because we had other things going on. Everyone understands that kids are coming and going at the parents' convenience.

 

We have another set of friends a few miles away with twin 6 year olds my daughter is friends with.  We or they always call first and I always ask what time I need to pick her up.  She's there at least 2 times a week and for most of the day about every other weekend. (Our 18 year olds are best friends too.)   It's a county island (enough acreage to be zoned for livestock) completely surrounded by suburbs like my neighborhood.  All the neighbor kids play up and down the streets on bikes and over at each other's houses.  I know another parent on that street whose kids play with mine and the twins. They go between the two houses but mostly play on the streets and in the front yards and backyards.

 

 

[Ellie]

I had never even heard of the term "play date" until I started posting here on TWTM. :-)

 

When my dc were little, I didn't have a car during the day, so of course there wouldn't be "play dates."

 

When my dc were older and I had a car, we still didn't do "play dates." Sometimes we got together with friends, but we got together as families (or just mothers and children), not just children. Also, when my dc were 4 and 7, we started going to a monthly park day with other homeschoolers (we invented park days, lol). It became our support group meetings, more important to us mothers, really, than to the children.

 

so, no "play dates."

[momacacia]

Um, Russian-speaking boy can come and play as long, as often as he wants as long as playdate is Russian immersion for me and kiddo. Otherwise, arranged playdates for all others. Is that wrong of me? ;)

[SKL]

I never host play dates.  However, I do not consider neighbor kids playing together to be a "play date."

 

In your situation I would speak to the boy himself and lay down some clear and simple rules.  For example, no in the house - you play outside or go home.  Not before x:00 and not after y:00.  No food involved; when my kid needs to eat my kid comes inside and the neighbor kid goes home.  You behave or you leave.  You don't come with us wherever we are going.  If nobody is home at your house, you can go sit on your front or back porch or bother another neighbor or would you like to call someone on my cell phone?

[Lolly]

Neighborhood drop in and play at 11: I would expect this to be pretty much a daily occurrence. 

 

Your problem is that the boy doesn't go away when he is told it is not a good time for your family. You have every right to enforce his leaving your house/property. Does he know he should not be playing in your fort when your ds is not there? Or, has your ds told him it is fine? We have had neighbors who have told my kids to feel free to use their yard anytime they wish. (Even one with a pool...I don't know how they are comfortable with that, but she has even insisted to me many times that she wishes we would use it even if they aren't home...I just can't bring myself to do it!)

[Aspasia]

Or make their visits unpleasant. Hook them up with cleaning and maintenance tasks around your house. Then see how often they want to visit. LOL

But seriously! If he's there every day, during the times when your kids are doing chores (and I would make that the time my kids are doing chores), give him some. If he wants to live at your house, let him enjoy all the privileges and responsibilities that come with it.

[NoseInABook]

Probably once a month but that's definitely not a play date for us. Moms usually come with their kids here. I don't know what I'd do if someone unexpectedly dropped their kid off at my house and expected me to supervise! I don't think that'd fly.

[Lolly]

Probably once a month but that's definitely not a play date for us. Moms usually come with their kids here. I don't know what I'd do if someone unexpectedly dropped their kid off at my house and expected me to supervise! I don't think that'd fly.

 

I've dropped kids off at friend's houses where they were not expected. We were out in the car, kid wanted to see if friend could play, I dropped them there instead of taking them to our house where they would have to walk to friend's. If friend could not play, they just walked home. Problem here is that these really are not actually play dates. They are neighborhood kids getting together. Really changes the perspective. Plus, these kids are 11; they do not require supervision!

 

I've known families who have a sign they put on the door when they are having school, chores, or family time that states the dc are not available to play at that time. It keeps all the neighborhood kids from knocking constantly!

[Mbelle]

I really don't know about neighborhoods these days, but when I was a kid if we wanted to play we would knock on the door and ask if our friend could play.  If yes, we played and if they said no they were busy we went on our merry way looking for something else to do. 

 

I don't live in a neighborhood anymore, but I have heard of this scenario happening and one mother put a sign on her door whenever her kids could not play.  It stated for them to not even ring the bell and to com back tomorrow. 

[Dmmetler]

We really don't have many neighborhood kids, so pretty much everything has to be arranged with the involvement of parents. DD has found (as have I) that if we invite a child over for a "playdate" often it never happens, but if we invite a specific friend over to do X (which might be baking cookies, a science lab, crafts. etc) the parent is a lot less likely to cancel out on her at the last minute because something else came up-even though X only takes a small part of an afternoon together.

[rmtzc2009]

I am somewhat surprised by this post as I was feeling like what is happening in our neighborhood was unusual.  I could have wrote your post myself! We have frequent drop ins from neighbors and my biggest complaints are: they drop in around 3:00 and tell me they have to be home at 7:30.  I think that's a LONG time for a neighbor visit that isn't prearranged....and while I get that the kid may not need dinner, we do!  I think it's the kids manners that really irk me.  So lets say I tell he child time to head home as we are going to eat....they may reply, "oh, good I'm hungry again I'll just stay" or "oh I don't have to be home until XYZ time to I'll just play while you eat".   I do make them leave but had hoped they would have learned by now that when I say time to go, it really is time to go.  I will say though that I prefer the kids to play at my house under my supervision.  

 

I have heard as others have mentioned of placing a sign on the door saying Homeschooling in process please do not knock or ring the bell.  The neighbor kids new if the sign was hung not to bother knocking.  I have also heard of the cleaning idea.  If the child is dropped during a time that is chores absolutely say "it is chore time here so while your welcome to stay we'll all be doing chores, so did you want to help wash the windows or fold the laundry?"  In one case this particular situation the visiting child jumped in and did the chores.  It seemed as though she liked the structure and togetherness.

 

I've found you must be specific with folks that aren't getting it.  So if the mom pulls up to drop of the child.  Have the child confirm with his mom that she'll be home.  Consistency hasn't seemed to help here but I would think a good set of consistent rules should help shape the behavior of the kids coming all the time.  So ex.  Tuesdays and Thursdays we can't have playtime but other days your welcome to come by and see if the kids are free.  I would first try talking with the child about expectations but if the situation doesn't improve then a chat with the mom (child interpreting) would be necessary.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

 

[mathmarm]

I have to admit that we never had play-dates growing up. Going to peoples houses after school (and on weekends) was the only way to play with someone outside my own home. We played usually outside but also in other peoples homes. In hindsight, I'm not sure if we got on other parents nerves or not. We couldn't play at our house because mom had students over after school for tutoring and her business was a part of our livelihood so there was no compromise.

 

My brother got pretty good in some European language one year because he was always playing with a group of kids who were immigrants. I still don't know what language they were speaking--I think it might have been Finnish. Anyway, that sounds terribly annoying. Can you not talk directly to the boys themselves? There were pretty strict and clear rules about what was and wasn't okay at folks homes when I was a kid and if you broke a rule you were punished--usually ejected from the home, or a call to your parents. Something like that.

 

Maybe the Russian kid can help your son with Russian for 1 or 2 hour each time that he comes over? Maybe if you add an element of 'work' to the visits he'll start finding reasons to shy away from coming himself? If not, at least your kid will be getting an awesome language experience.

[redsquirrel]

We had a similar situation, only not the language issue.

 

I started just saying "Nope, not today. Go home.  No, that doesn't mean play in my backyard, it means go home. Now." And if my boys had a friend over and they wanted to play in their own yard with their invited friend and the neighborhood kid came over I would go out and say "No, we didn't invite you today. Today (my kid) is playing with (other kid) and not you. Go home." I acted as gatekeeper and ran interference for my kids. I was very black and white about it.

 

I felt like a jerk, because I had to be super blunt and directive about the whole thing, but there really was no other way. Eventually the other kid's parents bought him a game system of some sort and he stopped playing outside and we never saw him. Then they moved away. It was a relief.

 

And if a neighborhood kid came by and told me 'I have to be home at 7:30" they would get told very quickly that they could stay until 4pm.

 

And I don't allow any screen time when friends come over. That separates the real friends from the ones we don't want around. ;)

 

If a kid got dropped off  and I was told there was no one home I can promise you that first, I would take them home and knock on the door to double check it was the truth. Then I would tell them to call their parent on their cell phone because we are leaving to see friends. I bet his mom has a phone. I would ask to speak to the mom and would manage to convey that she needs to get her kid.

If not, then when he goes home it would be with me and said child would be translating my conversation with the mom. FTR, you have no idea what the kid is telling his mom. For all you know he tells them mom you keep inviting him.  But that would not fly with me not even once. And I would be very clear with the mom that she is never to send her kids over to my house when she is leaving her own unless she talks to me first and has my permission. What if something happened? You are allowing yourself to be put in a very tricky situation. You could even let the mom know that she could get in trouble by leaving and not talking to you. Because really, if you had an emergency and had to leave and couldn't take her kid with you, you would have to do something like call the police to take her kid.

 

Now, as for playdates, my boys invite friends over quite a bit and they get invited over to other's houses all the time. It's NBD and we try to do it as much as possible. All friends live far enough away that it usually involves the parents talking to each other to arrange. That is what makes it a 'playdate' in my mind. If we have to talk about drop off or pick up then it is a 'date'.