"Did you do school today?"

[foxbridgeacademy]

Really? I was telling the OP what I thought. I didn't realize I wasn't allowed not to agree with you.

 

 

 

 

Everything is learning, sure. I even think bowling can be a sport. And it can even count as PE! But what the OP was describing was a casual day that included some family fun time with bowling. That's not "school" (notice the quote marks!!!!) that's what families do to hang out and have fun together. Even public schooled kids do that! And it doesn't mean that they get to skip school the next day because they already had "school"!!! (again! notice the use of quote marks!!)

 

 

Good grief.

! And it doesn't mean that they get to skip school the next day because they already had "school"!!.....

 

I'm going to disagree with you.  It may not be "school" in your house but it is in mine if I choose to call it school.  I live in a state that has NO law on what may or may not be called education.  If my state can't tell me then neither can my Mom, my sister, or anyone on this board.  The OP did not ask us if what she is doing would be considered school.  She has already decided for her and her child that going bowling IS school.  What she asked was how to deal with a disapproving MIL.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I think the longer you homeschool the less you worry about what MIL, your sister, the neighbors, auntie busybody, favorite aunt, the pastor and church lady with 35 years of ps teaching experience think about your decision to homeschool and your approach to homeschooling.  If you've been around the block enough times, you understand that it isn't important to explain, because as someone else pointed out up thread, there are people for whom no explanation will satisfy and others who aren't entitled to an explanation to begin with.

 

If she's just making conversation by asking about what you or your child is doing related to homeschooling just tell her the truth nicely and confidently. It's common in American culture to make chit chat with kids about school and to ask women about whatever it is they do all day (a paid job, caretaking, homeschooling, volunteer work, etc.) If she's not hostile she'll move on happily to another topic if the homeschooling one dries up pretty quickly because your K aged child just doesn't need much academics at this stage so there's not a lot to talk about in that department.

 

If she's not happy about your response, get over it yesterday and save yourself the hassle. Focus on a short, polite response to "Did you do school today?" with a confident, nicely toned,  "Yes we did." or "No, not today." and then let her feel or think whatever she wants to think or feel about it.  You can go on with your day not worrying a bit about it. Ask her what she'd like to do with the kids on her next visit.  Ask her about her latest medical issue if she'd prone to chat about that sort of thing.  Ask her what she's doing or reading about these days.

If she asks a question you've already answered ask her nicely, "Didn't we already talk about that?" Then change the subject to a topic you're comfortable with.  Don't go over any boundary you've decided to set with her. 

[Alice]

I would just answer her questions but not engage in any kind of argument and not get defensive. It's so hard to tell what another person's intentions are and that's even more true for a relative or in-law. Maybe she's just really puzzled about homeschooling because it seems bizarre. Maybe she's a nice but meddlesome grandma. Maybe she thinks you're a terrible mother who is ruining her grandchild. Unless she comes out and says the last one, it's hard to know what her true feelings and intentions are. 

 

I think Dawn's answers in the second or third post are perfect. 

 

My parents have been pretty supportive although I've always thought they thought it was a little weird. That was confirmed recently when my Mom asked if my oldest would be going to school next year for 6th grade. I answered no, and she said something like "Oh, I just figured that eventually you'd put him in real school." Sigh. I could have chosen to get offended. Instead I just said "Nope, he's happy where he is." and changed the subject. 

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

Sorry, but you aren't the administrator of the OP's homeschool, nor do you get to determine what she counts as "school." We went bowling in high school as part of our PE requirements.

 

Yep, in the old days when my kids were young enough to go to park days with other homeschoolers, I used to tell them that it was their recess/PE for the week. I explained that, in school, kids often get either organized physical activity or free play time on breaks (or even both!). Since mine didn't get those opportunities every day, we caught up on a whole week's worth during those park days.

[justasque]

Well, I agree with your MIL here. Bowling isn't "school." 

 

 

I had a bowling class in college.  :001_smile:

 

 

 

Everything is learning, sure. I even think bowling can be a sport. And it can even count as PE! But what the OP was describing was a casual day that included some family fun time with bowling. That's not "school" (notice the quote marks!!!!) that's what families do to hang out and have fun together. Even public schooled kids do that! And it doesn't mean that they get to skip school the next day because they already had "school"!!! (again! notice the use of quote marks!!)

 

 

Good grief.

 

I also took bowling in college, and got credit - real college credit - for the class.  

 

Much of what I considered "school" for my kids in kindy looked like the kinds of things "families do to hang out and have fun together".  We went to parks, playgrounds, museums, and nature centers.  We observed things, talked about what we saw, listened to experts/docents/guides.  Before and after, we read library books together and to ourselves, watched videos, played games, put on skits with friends, did art/craft projects, and did pretend play around the things we saw when we were out and about.  

 

None of these things are any different than what lots of families do together during non-school time, except perhaps in quantity and possibly intentionality.  What made them "school" instead of "not school" for me, was that these activities were working towards the specific learning objectives I had planned for our school year.  

 

I feel that, for kids in kindy, it is age-appropriate for most of the necessary learning to take place though play, exploration, teachable moments, and so on, rather than school-like seatwork.  (Even public school kindy worked much this way until the past 15-20 years.)  Gradually, seatwork/classwork becomes a larger part of "school" for most students, as they do more writing, more formal math work, and more work driven by academic requirements/goals rather than purely personal interest.  Middle school, for homeschoolers, often looks a lot more school-y than kindy.  But even for older students, at least in the homeschool setting, I see nothing wrong with considering activities done as a family to be "school" if they tie in with appropriate learning objectives.  

 

The idea of "school" and "not school" is an artificial separation for many homeschooling families.  Counting "school days" is simply not a very accurate measure of the quantity or quality of instruction/learning in a homeschool setting. 

 

The OP has to decide whether she will try to explain all this to her MIL, or to continue answering MIL's questions about whether they "did school" as if there is a clear line between "school" and "not school".  If there's any hope MIL will come to understand it, and if the OP plans to continue homeschooling, it may be worth the investment to educate MIL that there's often not a clear school/not-school difference for homeschooling families. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Kindergartens spend a lot of time and energy providing "real life experiences" for their kids.  The beauty of homeschooling is that we can just live real life not always in the confines of our own home.  Intentionality is a good word to describe what makes makes the difference between a slacker and a great homeschool teacher.   (Though sometimes realizing that we need a break and intentionally taking one isn't a bad choice either.)

[lea_lpz]

I don't think you'll satisfy her and will have to decide it doesn't matter.

[RanchGirl]

I agree with previous posters that she will likely never be happy with this situation.  I would stop engaging her because when she asks her questions and you answer, you are implicitly agreeing with her that you owe her an explanation.  I find the best response to people like this is usually "why do you ask" in a very polite tone.  She may or may not answer honestly, but it would be interesting to hear what her reason is for being so up in your business.  And this is 100% your business, not hers. If she were to answer "I am concerned about little Johnny's schooling, you could respond with a polite "oh don't you worry about that, I've got that under control, thanks."  If she answers with "I am asking because the public schools have school today", or something equally irrelevant, then just say something vague and unhelpful like "you're so funny" or "oh, yeah, they do don't they" or "you are so on top of things" then change the subject.  You can be polite and still convey that this is not an avenue you are going down with her.

 

Now her going behind your back and drilling your kid...  that needs to stop.  Grandma making conversation asking "how was your day" is acceptable.  Grandma asking invasive questions about school specifics that make ds and you feel you have to justify your homeschooling - not acceptable.  If it is in front of you, I would interrupt and redirect such as "Johnny didn't you want to show Grandma your new art project, go find it please."  If she doesn't take the hint, I would speak directly and say "oh Grandma you don't want to hear about boring school stuff..."  then change the subject.  And make sure they aren't alone together.

 

If your dh had a good relationship with her, I would have him talk to her.  If he doesn't, then be like Elsa and let it go.  Let the questions go unanswered and let her busybodiness rage on - in someone else's mental space.

 

I may be getting a bit punchy, time for sleep.

[marbel]

Maybe part of the problem is your husband's distance with her.   It sounds like you have some complicated family dynamics going on and maybe that is coming out in insecurity and/or extra assertiveness on her part.   Maybe she feels she's going to be cut out of your lives completely and she's going overboard trying to be involved.  (Or maybe I'm being dramatic and overstating the problem between your husband and MIL.)   I think I would be very uncomfortable visiting in my grown son's home if he and I were on bad terms and I can't imagine that wouldn't show up in my interactions with the rest of the family.

 

I'm also wondering how old your MIL is.  I wonder if she remembers her own, or her kids' kindy year.  Maybe sometime when she seems dissatisfied with what you are doing, you should ask her what kind of things she did in kindergarten.  I suspect you are doing more with your child than she did during her time. 

 

 

[AmandaVT]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies. The family dynamics is kind of complicated and I don't want to bore anyone, but I'll try to sum it up cliff notes style. The tension is between BIL and DH (and I) - BIL is narcissistic (NPD) and is not happy that we have finally decided to stop playing his games. He's attempting to turn the tables and make us be the bad guys. Meanwhile, he's the twice convicted s*x offender, but us not caving to his unreasonable demands makes us in the wrong. MIL is attempting to play peace maker and knows that BIL is impossible so she's trying to get us to be the bigger people and apologize to him (for not caving to unreasonable demands) and play nice. We are standing our ground and setting boundaries with him and she's upset. 

 

MIL is ruled by emotion and is sad because we can't all just get along. She tends to change with the wind and  follows the strongest personality, which at the current moment is BIL. We've gotten along quite well for years, but this is putting some strain on the relationship. She has been forbidden by BIL to talk about the issues so she's acting passive aggressive about other stuff. 

 

She was supportive of homeschooling in the beginning of the year and the questions and comments have begun since the rift with BIL. It's not limited to HS either - last night she called DS in hysterics because he temporarily deactivated his FB account. Apparently it's just terrible and he's hiding from the world. Meanwhile, he has had the same e-mail address for 12 years, a quick google search brings up his website and phone number and is quite accessible. He hadn't been on FB for 6 months, and got an e-mail from FB letting him know that someone had successfully logged in as him across the country, so he decided to deactivate because it's not something he needs/wants in his life. 

 

I like a lot of the ideas on this thread. I love the idea of starting a blog, but I'm not great on follow through with blogs :-). I've started a number of them over the years and stop about three posts in. I have been keeping her up to date on what we've been learning about and will make a point to continue to do so - I might start e-mailing her pictures of projects and art. I did remind her the other day that one of the reasons we're HS is that the public school flat out told us at K screening that DS would be spending all academic time working alone. There are no accelerated options in our school district and the K teacher told me that she'd love to have him in class, but that an incoming Kindy kid reading at a 3rd or 4th grade level would just be given books to read during literacy time and he'd be given math worksheets during math time. We didn't see much point in sending him to school for that. We had many other reasons as well, but the K screening was the nail in the coffin. 

 

I'm going to search a bit for good homeschool articles/blogs to send her. Something clear and concise. I will tell her point blank on her next visit that we're loosening up on school for the week while she's in town so we can relax and enjoy the visit. Then I will repeat that any time she asks if we did school that day. I'll remind her that one of the benefits of homeschooling is that we can take a break when grandma comes to town. :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mytwomonkeys]

The older my children were, the less family or friends expressed concern. Your little boy is only 5, right? As he gets older and your MIL sees how much he is learning, she will stop. My in-laws were concerned when we said we were homeschooling. They would quiz the kids in the beginning (so annoying!).

 

Funny though, this year when my daughter went to public middle school, my FIL was very concerned that it was the wrong choice, lol. So, I'd say we won him over :)

[MFG]

[quote name="AmandaVT" post="5514392" timestamp=

 

MIL is ruled by emotion and is sad because we can't all just get along. She tends to change with the wind and follows the strongest personality, which at the current moment is BIL. We've gotten along quite well for years, but this is putting some strain on the relationship. She has been forbidden by BIL to talk about the issues so she's acting passive aggressive about other stuff.

 

I think you should make yourself and/or Dh the strongest personality. No reason you should be pushed around by Bil, even indirectly.

 

No way would be start reporting to Mil either. People that were critical of my homeschool got less information, not more. I think if you start down that road you will never end, no amount of information will ever be enough.

[Ellie]

I like a lot of the ideas on this thread. I love the idea of starting a blog, but I'm not great on follow through with blogs :-). I've started a number of them over the years and stop about three posts in. I have been keeping her up to date on what we've been learning about and will make a point to continue to do so - I might start e-mailing her pictures of projects and art. I did remind her the other day that one of the reasons we're HS is that the public school flat out told us at K screening that DS would be spending all academic time working alone. There are no accelerated options in our school district and the K teacher told me that she'd love to have him in class, but that an incoming Kindy kid reading at a 3rd or 4th grade level would just be given books to read during literacy time and he'd be given math worksheets during math time. We didn't see much point in sending him to school for that. We had many other reasons as well, but the K screening was the nail in the coffin. 

 

I'm going to search a bit for good homeschool articles/blogs to send her. Something clear and concise. I will tell her point blank on her next visit that we're loosening up on school for the week while she's in town so we can relax and enjoy the visit. Then I will repeat that any time she asks if we did school that day. I'll remind her that one of the benefits of homeschooling is that we can take a break when grandma comes to town. :-)

 

If you want to blog because you want to blog, that's great. If you want to blog because you think it will appease your mil, well, that's not so great. There is a great cloud of witnesses right here who will tell you that trying to appease someone else by showing her all the wonderful, educational things you're doing with your children will not only *not* appease her but may backfire on you.

[MysteryJen]

If you want to blog because you want to blog, that's great. If you want to blog because you think it will appease your mil, well, that's not so great. There is a great cloud of witnesses right here who will tell you that trying to appease someone else by showing her all the wonderful, educational things you're doing with your children will not only *not* appease her but may backfire on you.

I want to chime in here and completely agree with Ellie.  My mom is a former ps teacher and she was appalled by our decision to homeschool. She spent the first few years telling me how much I was not doing right and how much my kids were going to miss by being at home. I tried to convince her that homeschooling was a legitimate and legal form of schooling, then I tried to involve her in some things that we did (horrible mistake...I had flashbacks of her behavior when I was a kid). Finally, I gave up. I didn't talk to her about the kids, would not let her quiz them, ignored "helpful" advice. I just went along my business as a parent and teacher.

 

Now that my kids are older, they are much more aware of the subtle digs about their education, the impromptu "discussions" about how their siblings are reading or whether or not they have friends. And they are annoyed about it. She greatly damaged relationships by inserting her opinions into the very heart of how dh and I are raising our children. Yet, she still persists. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she pushes for the kids to go to school. I would have saved a lot of heartache and frustration if I had refused to engage from the very beginning.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies. The family dynamics is kind of complicated and I don't want to bore anyone, but I'll try to sum it up cliff notes style. The tension is between BIL and DH (and I) - BIL is narcissistic (NPD) and is not happy that we have finally decided to stop playing his games. He's attempting to turn the tables and make us be the bad guys. Meanwhile, he's the twice convicted s*x offender, but us not caving to his unreasonable demands makes us in the wrong. MIL is attempting to play peace maker and knows that BIL is impossible so she's trying to get us to be the bigger people and apologize to him (for not caving to unreasonable demands) and play nice. We are standing our ground and setting boundaries with him and she's upset. 

 

MIL is ruled by emotion and is sad because we can't all just get along. She tends to change with the wind and  follows the strongest personality, which at the current moment is BIL. We've gotten along quite well for years, but this is putting some strain on the relationship. She has been forbidden by BIL to talk about the issues so she's acting passive aggressive about other stuff. 

 

 

Your BIL is not the only one who is NPD.  MIL's passive aggressive behavior, emotional drama and even the "peacemaking" is designed to put her in the limelight.  Someone who truly wanted peace would want strong healthy boundaries in the family.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

dp

 

[myfunnybunch]

 Someone who truly wanted peace would want strong healthy boundaries in the family.  

 

And would not put a 5 y.o. on the spot by asking him questions about his schooling beyond, "What are you learning/doing? Oh, that's nice, dear, it sounds like a lot of fun."

 

Cat

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies. The family dynamics is kind of complicated and I don't want to bore anyone, but I'll try to sum it up cliff notes style. The tension is between BIL and DH (and I) - BIL is narcissistic (NPD) and is not happy that we have finally decided to stop playing his games. He's attempting to turn the tables and make us be the bad guys. Meanwhile, he's the twice convicted s*x offender, but us not caving to his unreasonable demands makes us in the wrong. MIL is attempting to play peace maker and knows that BIL is impossible so she's trying to get us to be the bigger people and apologize to him (for not caving to unreasonable demands) and play nice. We are standing our ground and setting boundaries with him and she's upset. 

 

MIL is ruled by emotion and is sad because we can't all just get along. She tends to change with the wind and  follows the strongest personality, which at the current moment is BIL. We've gotten along quite well for years, but this is putting some strain on the relationship. She has been forbidden by BIL to talk about the issues so she's acting passive aggressive about other stuff. 

 

Right here is exactly why your attempt at appeasement is pissing in the wind.  This is not a stable, rational person.  She is not motivated by good manners, logic and reason, so responding with indulging her bad manners and saying logical, reasonable things is a complete waste of your time at best and counter productive at worst.   You are being warned by lots of people, including me, that what she needs are clear boundaries, not a blog, not an update, not ongoing explanations. 

 

She was supportive of homeschooling in the beginning of the year and the questions and comments have begun since the rift with BIL.

 

Since homeschooling isn't the root of the problem, it's a complete waste of your time to focus on explanations about homeschooling.

 

It's not limited to HS either - last night she called DS in hysterics because he temporarily deactivated his FB account. Apparently it's just terrible and he's hiding from the world. Meanwhile, he has had the same e-mail address for 12 years, a quick google search brings up his website and phone number and is quite accessible. He hadn't been on FB for 6 months, and got an e-mail from FB letting him know that someone had successfully logged in as him across the country, so he decided to deactivate because it's not something he needs/wants in his life. 

 

More evidence of the irrational on her part. All he had to do was matter of factly ask, "FB isn't the only way to get a hold of me.  Why didn't you try the other routes before getting upset?" Let her say out loud why she shouldn't just have picked up the phone or emailed. Sometimes when people say something irrational out loud they hear it for how it really sounds, are embarrassed and consider changing.  Most don't, but it's still good to make them explain themselves so you get a better understanding what you're dealing with-in this case I'm betting it's something clinically diagnosable. Maybe it's time you and your husband considered talking to a professional counselor about how to deal with his relatives. You both may need to hear from a professional how bad it really is and how important serious, rigid, consistently enforced boundaries are for your family when any of the extended relatives are involved.

 

I like a lot of the ideas on this thread. I love the idea of starting a blog, but I'm not great on follow through with blogs :-). I've started a number of them over the years and stop about three posts in. I have been keeping her up to date on what we've been learning about and will make a point to continue to do so - I might start e-mailing her pictures of projects and art.

 

If you do this, you will be feeding her crazy and you'll invite her to walk right over boundaries you should be making firmer-not relaxing by giving her more access.  It will not get better if you do this.  It will send the unspoken message that she is perfectly welcome get into your business in ways the vast majority of the parents and in-laws of homeschoolers are not allowed.

 

I did remind her

 

So you've explained this before and now you're explaining again.  Clearly the first explanation didn't satisfy her.  Why would this most recent one? Does she have episodic memory loss?  Dementia? Alzheimer's? If not, it's jut more passive aggressive crap.  Passive aggressive types need to have boundaries rigidly enforced.

 

the other day that one of the reasons we're HS is that the public school flat out told us at K screening that DS would be spending all academic time working alone. There are no accelerated options in our school district and the K teacher told me that she'd love to have him in class, but that an incoming Kindy kid reading at a 3rd or 4th grade level would just be given books to read during literacy time and he'd be given math worksheets during math time. We didn't see much point in sending him to school for that. We had many other reasons as well, but the K screening was the nail in the coffin. 

 

I'm going to search a bit for good homeschool articles/blogs to send her. Something clear and concise.

 

Never send anyone general homeschooling information-even newbies.  People who actually care about it look for it on their own.  As someone who started homeschooling 2000, I can tell you  it's sooo much easier now and there's no reason people can't get a good start on their own. Next time someone asks questions about homeschooling say cheerfully , "Oh!  There are so many great book and articles and blogs so easily found.  Enjoy your research then we'll talk about it!" Don't hold your breath.  Odds are slim to none they'll actually do it.

 

I will tell her point blank on her next visit that we're loosening up on school for the week while she's in town so we can relax and enjoy the visit. Then I will repeat that any time she asks if we did school that day.

 

I suggest in a nicely tone statement like, "I already explained that." with nothing else following it. If awkward silence follows, let her sit in it and learn from her mistake.  Don't rescue her for a few minutes by changing the subject immediately.  She can sit in the discomfort and hopefully she'll change the subject.  If not, you can after a few minutes and get on with your day.

 

I'll remind her that one of the benefits of homeschooling is that we can take a break when grandma comes to town. :-)

 

It's critical your children watch you set boundaries and deal with overstepping people so they know from personal experience what healthy boundaries are and how healthy boundaries are consistently enforced.  

 

 

 

[Melissa in NC]

I tried to post this once so I will try again.

 

This was originally created by JoAnne and has helped me many times over the past decade:

 

 

_________________________________________

 

Bean Dip for Homeschoolers

 

I've been passing around bean dip on the net for a few years. It was originally written for attachment parenting and alternative medical choice. I've revised it for homeschoolers who are facing varying levels of hostility towards their choices.

 

As an interesting related note, I find it telling that the spell check on my AOL email does not recognize "breastfeeding" or "homeschooling". That fact, in and of itself, is why bean dip is so needed. :)

 

Bean Dip:

 

I wanted to offer my "bean dip strategy" for homeschooling.

 

It's something I've learned in my years of parenting using alternative ideas. The specifics may change, but the principal doesn't. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they are in needing to set the boundary.

 

In setting boundaries, we don't need to convince the other person we are right and they don't have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).

 

Here is an example:

 

I've found new moms often confuse boundaries and trying to convince someone of the *rightness* of their choices. They will send articles, links, books, cite statistics. All of these things send the message: this is up for debate and discussion, I may be swayed by you.

 

The best thing is to assert your boundary and *not* try to defend your choice. No books, articles, links, etc. If the person feels strongly enough *they* can initiate getting some information.

 

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a "need to know" basis. Most people don't "need to know."

Question: "What about socialization?" Answer: Got that covered, thanks! Want some bean dip?

 

Question:"They will need to function in the real world" Answer: "Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?"

 

"What about college?" Answer: "Yes, our children will be going. Thanks! Want some bean

dip?"

 

Now, with some people you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event). If it's a pattern of intrusion, for example. Practice kind but firm responses:

 

"I know you love us and the children. We are so glad. Our education choices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again"

 

Don't confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices. New HSing moms often struggle with this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing the above. New HSing parents often invite problems is by citing authors, studies and sites to "defend" themselves. Each time you do so, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that your decisions are up for debate. Don't defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. "We are quite comfortable with our choices. Want some bean dip?"

 

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply "I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the children. I'll parent the child - you enjoy them. Let's not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave the room."

 

One thing I want to add is to *carefully* chose who you vent/rant to about parenting issues. Homeschooling is like breastfeeding in a way. Normal struggles get blamed and dumped on homeschooling (like normal baby/adjustment issues get blamed on breastfeeding). People will attribute parenting issues to the fact of your homeschooling. The more aggressive/hostile ones will deliberately capitalize on the opportunity and will use your parenting challenge as a way to force their anti Homeschool agenda. So, be very selective who you talk to about the specifics on your life.

 

 

 

 

posted Thursday, 2 January 2003

 

 

 

There are 2. One is for alternative parenting, particularly in the early years:

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=1988.0

The other was re-written as early childhood issues ceased to be an issue for me and homeschooling emerged:

http://happyhomeschooler.blog-city.com/read/212600.htm

The Bean Dip response, in spite of its name, was not meant to be a casual, quick change of subject. The heart of The Bean Dip response is establishing firm boundaries and not setting oneself up for debate, discussion and dialog.

Changing the subject (the Bean Dip offer) comes after setting the boundary. And, prior to the need to set the boundary is our responsibility. Let's say you co sleep. Don't invite discussion by offering that info. Let's say you homeschool. Don't invite discussion by asserting that your well behaved, courteous kids are a result of homeschooling.

There *is* a time and place and people with whom to have great, provocative discussions on these topics. The Bean Dip response was formulated for difficult family members, intrusive neighbors, casual church acquaintances and others with whom you feel discussion would be dangerous, fruitless, irritating, difficult or inappropriate.

You "Bean Dip" people when you assert yourself as the expert on your children and actively define your role in their lives and limit the role of other people. You "Bean Dip" when you are confronted with provocative topics ("What about socialization"?) and instead of defending with a long list of extracurriculars or a radical discourse on the inappropriateness of the school social hierarchy, you say "Yes, socialization is something we work on."

When you defend, you communicate that the topic is up for discussion or debate. For boundary less or boundary challenged people that giving them power to try to change your mind. With the boundary challenged, you don't want to give them the impression of that power. Dean Dipping them isn't about a fluffy change of subject, but about a firm deflection.

The final stage of Bean Dip includes a direct, firm and forceful message to BUTT OUT.

Anyway, maybe because I have such defined boundaries, the above doesn't come through correctly in my Bean Dip writings. I've read some things here lately that compelled me to post and clarify.  

[AmandaVT]

Wow, you guys are great and I really appreciate all the different perspectives. I do love my MIL, faults and all. We do set up good boundaries with her and she's generally quite respectful. There are exceptions, mostly if BIL is involved because she's afraid to anger him. He regularly threatens not letting her see his son if she doesn't do what he wants, and that scares her. And she's afraid to call him on it. So there are issues there. But, on a day to day basis, she respects the boundaries we've set. It took me a bit too long to realize the direction her homeschool questioning was heading because she started off interested, supportive and excited. At first it didn't occur to me that she was anything but interested and then I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a bit. 

 

With the way she has set up her life, we see her for a week or so at a time every month to 6 weeks. She doesn't stay with us and typically lets us dictate how often we see her when she's in town. If anything, she's too meek. I try to make time for her most days for a bit when she's here. Either for a few hours in the afternoon or for late afternoon/dinner or something. 

 

Whoever mentioned upthread that we need to start being the stronger personality is correct. I've noticed when I'm talking to her regularly on the phone and keeping in better touch, the relationship is easier. I had my feathers ruffled last fall when the split with BIL happened and I've pulled back a little from her. Which is probably making things worse, or at the very least not helping matters. I also know that I can have a tendency to be defensive when questioned and I need to make sure that I'm checking my own tone of voice and responses to her questions. 

 

Melissa in NC - thank you for the Bean Dip post - I like it and will implement. (and you are making me want bean dip!!!) And it's really just great advice for managing almost any relationship. And you're all right, nothing I say will be really be able to change a mind that's made up. I'll continue working on our relationship as a whole and hopefully she'll see over time that homeschooling is a good fit for DS. Ironically, DH reminded me that he was homeschooled for a time in elementary. I may want to remind her of that and see if I can get her to talk about it with me. I'm sure she has some interesting stories about homeschooling in the 70's. 

 

It's easier dealing with my own family - they're much more straightforward. 

[Telega987]

My mother in law, while initially excited for us to homeschool DS this year, has been acting increasingly skeptical recently. I've been very patient and am trying to help her understand what homeschooling is all about. But I'm constantly getting questioned when she's in town. Does anyone have good tips on helping grandparents understand what homeschooling is all about? Here are some examples. 

 

Christmas Eve - "I didn't want to call earlier because I thought you were doing school today" ..... "Oh, you didn't do school?" ..... "Christmas cookie baking was school?" ...." yes, I know the public schools are out of school for vacation, but I thought since you do homeschool, you'd still be in school today"

--------------------

I've gotten this recently:

 

"what do you mean, school only took an hour today? I thought school gets out at 3:30?"

 

me: Well, he's in K. There's typically not a lot of seat work in K. We worked on math for a little while, did a fun science experiment and then read books. We would be going out to meet up with friends, but since you're in town, we'd rather see you.

 

"Oh. What about homework?"

 

me: um, he's in K.

----------------------

 

Last week she was in town for a few days, so we went extra light so we could visit with her. Every day, she questioned me, like I wasn't doing enough. Every day, I reminded her that he was in K and we were doing a little less than normal because she was in town and we wanted to see her.

 

This week she came back (it's school vacation week for public school). She was horrified that we were doing school because it's vacation week.

 

But then she reversed course. Friday, we spent the day a few towns away with friends. We took the kids bowling, went shopping, had lunch, the boys played. A nice day. She came over yesterday and asked why we didn't do school on Saturday since we "skipped" Friday. I told her that we did a field trip and had a good social day and that was school. Her reply - "well....if you say so" with raised eyebrows.  

 

I asked her yesterday if she had any concerns about homeschooling that she wanted me to answer and said that I'd be happy to talk about it. She said she was fine with it and had no concerns. Her next sentence: "I thought the local public school has a good reputation?". I answered that yes it does, and that seems like a concern of yours, talk to me. Her: "oh, no I'm fine"

 

 

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to get a few examples in here. I'm sure some (many?) people here have had skeptical family members.  :-) Any advice?

 

Thank you in advance 

 

Maybe for grandparents, it's really difficult to understand what homeschooling is all about? It's all about they were studying in the school. But I think more important  - it is that knowledge which will be after.

 

 

[Guest]

Zombie thread. Although an interesting topic.

[SparklyUnicorn]

So typical.  She might just be making conversation too.  So I don't know that I'd read that much into it (yet).

 

 

[Janeway]

You know how I have taken to handle this sort of thing...I give the total extreme answer.

 

"We don't do school, we don't believe in the oppressive world of books and rules." And "couldn't do school, he spent the day scrubbing the floors while I watched TV. Duh!" and to the questions about socialization "he can socialize plenty in the closet, where we lock him, with the shoes that are in there with him."

 

Funny thing is, no one questions me anymore, LOL

[AmandaVT]

For a minute, I thought I had posted in my sleep or something last night! Since I'm the OP on this randomly resurrected thread, I'll update that the older DS gets, the less MIL worries about his school situation. Seeing his IOWA test scores from last year helped a LOT as well. It's interesting, DS has an older cousin in the same jr/sr high school we're districted for and hearing about all of the issues in the school has helped her appreciate homeschooling more. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

For a minute, I thought I had posted in my sleep or something last night! Since I'm the OP on this randomly resurrected thread, I'll update that the older DS gets, the less MIL worries about his school situation. Seeing his IOWA test scores from last year helped a LOT as well. It's interesting, DS has an older cousin in the same jr/sr high school we're districted for and hearing about all of the issues in the school has helped her appreciate homeschooling more. 

 

Oops!!!!

 

I didn't even notice.  That is so weird.

 

Glad she came around.

[Elizabeth86]

Ugh. My mil has issues, major issues. I am just glad she minds her own. I would lose it. You sound lime you are handling her ok.

[mytwomonkeys]

My family & in-law’s weren’t supportive when we first homeschooled. It was just really weird for them & they couldn’t wrap their brain around it being a legitimate option. Over time that changed (it was clear my kids were doing really well). Also, my mom was meeting homeschool families, which made it seem more normal for her.

 

In the beginning, I really didn’t allow an open dialogue about it, not even with friends. I don’t discuss how I parent, nor do I need unsolicited advice or approval. That’s between my husband and I. So, I approached homeschooling the same way. I also started a blog when my daughter was 5 & if they really wanted a peek into our lives, I invited them to follow that way. As the years passed, it just became a non-issue & everyone was supportive (or kept quiet). That first year though, I do remember a lot of opinions from family and friends, so I just shut them down.

Edited October 11, 2017 by mytwomonkeys