A Husband's Amazing Response To 'She's A Stay-At-Home Mom? What Does She DO All Day?'

[LucyStoner]

I see women who feel like they have to go back to work now their children are older and it makes me sad. One lady is a grandma now, and she wants to spend time with her grandchildren and adult kids, and transition to the stage of life she has worked for 20-odd years to make it to, but she has been pushed into full time work in nursing homes, not because she has any desire to be there, but because her husband and friends/family feel that now her youngest is an older teen, there's no need for her to be 'wasting' her time at home.

I don't feel like an older woman staying home is wasting her time if she is happy with her choices. That said, when my sons are near grown I will still be in my early to mid 40s. I have stuff I want to do with that time and do anticipate going back into the workforce. Not because I have to or my husband will push it but because I will want to. I am already chatting with people who have the sorts of positions I want and weighing my additional educational options. I personally see a lot of 50ish year old women who do suddenly NEED to work, due to divorce or the employment situation of their husband (maybe disabled or laid off) but who are totally ill equipped for it and that can be a rough situation for them financially. That is not a position that I expect to be in but were it to happen, I like knowing that my prospects would be better than starting from scratch.

[Aelwydd]

I liked the article. It seems that individual's are picking out little specific examples to make their point (here and the comments at the end of the blog). To me, he was just suggesting that women, in general, and society as a whole, need to stop undermining each other. He wasn't trying to argue about how "hard" or "busy" it is to being a SAHM, He was just simply stating that it is "Just" endeavor. What's the point in making distinctions, like one life choice is: better, more important, more fulfilling, etc... This mommy war is quite exhausting.

I agree that we could do with a lot less judgmental attitudes about each other's choices and situations.

 

However, coming from this guy, who IMO is one of the angriest, most belittling, condescending jackasses on the internets is bit rich. He always has these strong opinions about others and he often uses insulting language to express them.

 

He fancies himself defender of SAHMs, but he acts like a self important bully towards anyone who evinces even the slightest hint of holding a different viewpoint.

 

I wouldn't want that kind of defense of my choices.

[Dory]

I feel so lucky and blessed to be a SAHM and homeschooler. I enjoy this. I don't think I have it any harder or easier than any other mom regardless of whether she has chosen to work out of the home or not. Different choices and different lives, doesn't mean better or worse, everyone just makes different choices. The only time I have ever felt defensive is when I had an educational psychologist suggest that there was no way I was able to provide a healthy home atmosphere and teach my kids all at once.

 

I've always managed to find time for a quiet cup of coffee. And once a month at least I'll get out to see a friend. It's never once a week, but once a month is enough. I do wish I could get the kids all in the same activity at once just once a week though.

[Aelwydd]

 

 

 

Sorry if my wording bothered you, I never intended to say those professions didn't count, I just assumed that the difference between entering the workforce, and following an interest which happens to pay would be more obvious. I see women who feel like they have to go back to work now their children are older and it makes me sad. One lady is a grandma now, and she wants to spend time with her grandchildren and adult kids, and transition to the stage of life she has worked for 20-odd years to make it to, but she has been pushed into full time work in nursing homes, not because she has any desire to be there, but because her husband and friends/family feel that now her youngest is an older teen, there's no need for her to be 'wasting' her time at home.

I think this is ann interesting statement. In a way, I agree. I think it's regrettable that most people, male or female, must enter the workforce to earn money. That often, it's not personal choice or interest that drives one to find employment, but basic necessity.

 

However, that is capitalism. Work, in exhange for money, in order to gain purchasing power. IMO, that will always be one of the greatest insults of industrializaton on society, in that it compelled the members of family to separate and find work. Today, the need for work is often what drives people to move far away from loved ones. It belies the irony in the modern catchphrase today from tech companies about "keeping you connected" in a system that has isolated us more from family than ever before.

 

So yes, there is a difference between work for income, and personal interest or desire to help others. But it's not a choice for many people, which is what is sad to me.

[Heather in Neverland]

I think it is nice that he defends his wife as I know men that don't. I know men that resent their wives being home and want them to put the kids in daycare or school and go to work and earn some money.

 

We have the opposite problem. My dh's preference would be for me to stay home and homeschool but I love my career. He supports me in that and would defend me if it were ever necessary.

[DawnM]

This was us too.  

 

When we got married I made a huge point about needing to continue to work throughout our marriage and had every intention of working at least part time all the way through retirement.

 

After the boys were born, he started asked me if I would consider staying home.  He hated dropping them off at daycare.  

 

I told him no, that we had discussed this and agreed that I would continue working (plus, I carried the health insurance for all of us and it was excellent.  In our district, as long as you worked 50% of the time, you could carry health insurance.)

 

Finally, after my oldest was having so much trouble in school, I agreed to work half time and we juggled our schedules so that we could homeschool him.  We didn't know at the time he had Asperger's.

 

It was a process for me to finally stay home and for me, at that time, it was what I believe was best for our family.  Unfortunately, I have created a monster and these children now expect me to homeschool them through high school!  :lol:

 

It is ok, I am more at peace with it now.  I still miss working, but this is a season where my kids need me and I can always go back to it in some capacity.

 

Dawn

 

 

I think it is nice that he defends his wife as I know men that don't. I know men that resent their wives being home and want them to put the kids in daycare or school and go to work and earn some money.

We have the opposite problem. My dh's preference would be for me to stay home and homeschool but I love my career. He supports me in that and would defend me if it were ever necessary.

 

[stripe]

It's interesting; I was listening to an interview on NPR recently about "All Joy and No Fun," and the author pointed out the difference between what was expected of a housewife in earlier generations and what is expected of a stay at home mom now, most notably the difference in emphasis in the "title":

 

In the 1960s if you stayed home with your kids, what were you? You were a "housewife." You focused on your house. You didn't focus on your kids. You focused on your house. Your house had to be clean. You had to master the differences between oven cleaners and floor waxes and stuff that made your wood nice and shiny, but you put your kids in a playpen, that's what you did. 

 

And now if you stay home with your kids, you are a "stay-at-home mom," you focus on your kids. You are a professional mom and you focus on the right toys for your kids, the right educational things for your kids. So all the women who are working, when they're not working they want to be professional moms too, so they're pouring all of this energy into their children in their off hours. And by the way, their houses are suffering. Their houses are a mess. If you look at the American time use surveys, no one takes care of their house anymore. That's a very clear downward slope.

 

ETA: {added indentation and different color to more clearly indicate this is Jennifer Senior saying this, not me! Sorry, the previous font/color combo was too close to mine. }

[DawnM]

Some of us really don't care.  

 

Sorry, but I don't see this as some downward slope.

 

Women of the 60s were expected to keep a spotless home, pearls and high heels on when their husbands came home, hot dinner ready and waiting, oh and ready for the bedroom should their husband demand it.

 

Whatever, I am much more comfortable in my lived in house, my very well loved books lying about, my mess in the kitchen because the kids and I were doing a science experiment and got sidetracked to look up something related to said science experiment, or were out all day exploring.

 

No downward slope here……upward and onward!

 

Dawn

 

 

It's interesting; I was listening to an interview on NPR recently about "All Joy and No Fun," and the author pointed out the difference between what was expected of a housewife in earlier generations and what is expected of a stay at home mom now, most notably the difference in emphasis in the "title":

 

In the 1960s if you stayed home with your kids, what were you? You were a "housewife." You focused on your house. You didn't focus on your kids. You focused on your house. Your house had to be clean. You had to master the differences between oven cleaners and floor waxes and stuff that made your wood nice and shiny, but you put your kids in a playpen, that's what you did. 

 

And now if you stay home with your kids, you are a "stay-at-home mom," you focus on your kids. You are a professional mom and you focus on the right toys for your kids, the right educational things for your kids. So all the women who are working, when they're not working they want to be professional moms too, so they're pouring all of this energy into their children in their off hours. And by the way, their houses are suffering. Their houses are a mess. If you look at the American time use surveys, no one takes care of their house anymore. That's a very clear downward slope.

 

 

[DawnM]

Oh, maybe she was quoting.

 

Sorry.  I think I misunderstood.

 

Dawn

 

 

I don't care either.

 

My kids are more important than spotless floors.  People are more important than crap like that.

 

I don't want to look back on my life and feel proud of my pristine house.  I want to look back at all the time I got to spend with my kids and be a part of their lives for the very short time they were with me. 

 

(Although I'm not entirely sure stripe meant she agreed or disagreed, just that she was pointing to the trends.)

 

[stripe]

Some of us really don't care.  

 

Sorry, but I don't see this as some downward slope.

....

No downward slope here……upward and onward!

Ha ha, I wasn't recommending (nor was Jennifer Senior, the author who said that, actually) that women get back into vacuuming all the time, but I think it's an interesting point about expecting us to be professional mothers. Her interview with Terry Gross is a bit better than the summary. Another interesting point she made is this:

 

There's this real expectation from all of our kids now that we should be their playmates and I'm constantly saying to my kid, "You're bored? Go clean your room. Or go like, play with your stuff. You've got so much stuff." And our kids have way more stuff than you and I had when we were kids. There's plenty for them to do ... and yet all of us feel like we have to be deeply, aggressively interactive and I'm not clear on whether or not kids benefit from that. I mean people are looking at that now and claiming that it's backfiring and that this form of helicoptering is not as good for a child's self-esteem as the kind of drone model that our parents had, which was kind of like they were more remote. I have to say, I think it's really hard on parents. I do question whether it's good for kids just because it might set up this very unrealistic expectation like, if they snap their fingers, someone's going be there to answer them.

 

 

I think it's a really interesting question -- and one that we've had some absolutely great discussions about on here in the past -- about what exactly we are doing or supposed to be doing. And I think it's a concern I have that homeschooling mothers or SAHMs in general are supposed to sort of be this Ultra-Mom who does everything selflessly for her kids, and is that healthy? I don't think very traditional women in the US or other cultures have ever really been expected to be the sole source of everything for their kids.

 

It's sort of like any number of attachment parenting- type activities. At some point, it starts to feel like only the kid(s) matter. I can speak for myself. With my oldest kid, I had a lot more energy, and I used baby carriers with great success. With my youngest, I was utterly exhausted, feeling much older, and just did NOT have the pep to lug around a kid all day long. And you know what, my younger kids seem magically better able to care for themselves because I was no longer willing to rush over and do everything for them. When does one stop being the caring maternal force and start being an awful, smothering mother who no longer has her own identity? That, to me, is the question. I was really glad to see someone take on the idea of why parenting is so exhausting for me. My sisters-in-law do not live in the US and are very domestic, but do not try to be everything to their kids, and they seem much happier.

[stripe]

Oh, maybe she was quoting.

I was! I was trying to make it obvious, but couldn't find the indent thing, but now I have, so -- I am going to go reformat my original post...

 

ETA: I have changed the color to a rust, and indented the quote.

[SKL]

Who cares how spotless our houses are?  Even if they are spotless one day, if you come back a week later you can't tell the difference.  If I die alone in a spotless house, it will be dusty by the time they find me.

 

Also, it takes a lot less work nowadays to keep house.  I haven't used an iron since before my kids were born (they are 7).  I can do all the laundry in roughly an hour a week.  Cooking from scratch is for special occasions.  And I like it that way.

 

And finally, no my house is not a mess.  But if there are people who would be judgmental about the state of my lived-in house, I don't want them over here anyway.

 

ETA:  Just realized the comment I was responding to was a quote from someone else.  I'll just leave this up anyway, as my response to the NPR piece.

[stripe]

Who cares how spotless our houses are? 

I don't know that anyone cares. But the point Senior was making, I think, is that instead of fixating on our houses, we are now fixating on our children, and studies show that parents are not any happier than non-parents, and she wanted to know WHY.

[SKL]

I do remember my mom saying of a family friend, "you can eat off her floors."  She had all kinds of issues as a parent, including the fact that she didn't actually let her kids play with their toys lest they break or mess up something.  But, you could eat off her floors!

[SKL]

Then again, my mom was more like me in many ways.  She had to do more housework (because I pay maids to do the big jobs), but she was also a WAHM or WOHM and a college student through most of my childhood.  Our house was not ever spotless, but I'm sure my mom would have liked it to be once in a while.

[DawnM]

I remember being in the US for part of middle school and I had a friend whose mother didn't allow her kids into their formal living room.  
 

I thought it was the strangest thing ever, esp. for her high school aged brother and her, who were no longer really "children."

 

But when I was over there, I was asked not to go in there at all.

 

Dawn

 

 

I do remember my mom saying of a family friend, "you can eat off her floors."  She had all kinds of issues as a parent, including the fact that she didn't actually let her kids play with their toys lest they break or mess up something.  But, you could eat off her floors!

 

[Jenny in Florida]

This is a huge reason why I hated most of my jobs.  I was bored most of the time.  I'd finish stuff quickly and then there would be nothing, but I had to pretend to look busy or something.  Ugh..hated that.

 

Yes, that was my experience, also. The only job I ever had in which that was not the case was retail management. I assistant managed a couple of bookstores (at different times), which kept me nicely busy. Unfortunately, neither the salary nor the hours are a good fit for moms trying to raise kids. So, I moved "up" from retail to more professional gigs (editing, technical writing, a little bit of programming) and tolerated the tedium because the hours were regular and my salary actually paid the bills.

[SKL]

Did anyone see the Letter from a Working Mother to a SAHM and Vice Versa?

 

Instead of peace talks in the mommy wars it appears to be doing the opposite. 

 

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/02/12/letters_between_a_working_mom_and_a_stay_at_home_mom_viral_and_perpetuating.html

 

Sounds like two people who have too much time on their hands.

 

Or maybe they are procrastinating, like I am right now.  ;)

 

I feel like starting a list of phrases I'd be just as happy never hearing regarding SAHMness or WOHMness or anything in-between.

 

"You're AMAZING!"

"I don't know how you do it."

"You have it the worst."

"I salute you."

"I bow to you."

"The government should pay you for what you do."

"You sacrifice day in and day out."

"You always put everyone else first."

"Your job is the most important job in the world."

 

Bla bla bla

 

To be fair, it also bugs me when people give men kudos for showing any little bit of humanity.

 

[AimeeM]

Sounds like my husband :)

[marbel]

Re: professional mothers - I was born in 1956 and my Mom stayed home except for a brief stint working in the cafeteria of my school.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if she got paid or was a volunteer.   Anyway, I remember that she read to me a lot before I could read, but that's all I remember of my mom playing with me/spending recreational time with me.  We had a small house but she worked in the house and in her large vegetable garden.  She also planted a lot of flowers and such around the house (I still remember her gorgeous lilac bush) and did a lot of the yard work on our 2 acres.  We had no dryer so she hung out wash, etc.   No dishwasher so she handwashed dishes.  No permanent press clothing so she ironed.

 

I don't remember doing many chores; I was in school, reading, watching tv, or out roaming with my friends.  She was just busy with other things.

 

Now, housework doesn't take so long, most people don't have huge veggie gardens (I'm not saying no one does, I'm sure some of y'all do) or over an acre to mow, rake, etc.  So I guess it makes sense that stay-home moms focus on the kids more than the house.

 

I think in general though the US culture is much more child-centered than it was when I was a kid.

 

Once or twice  a year my parents had an adult party and kids were not welcome.  We had to stay in our rooms and the guests got babysitters.  When my kids were little it was unheard-of to invite just the parents over.   I always wanted to have an adult party but we just couldn't because no one would come if they had to get a sitter.   My mom isn't around to ask, and I'm not sure, but I think it was assumed then that kids were not invited unless the parents were specifically told they were.  Now, it seems people assume kids are invited unless specifically told they are not. 

[DawnM]

Wondering what sorts of jobs you all did that had you bored all the time?

 

I was busy in my job almost all the time.  Granted, I did not work in a cubical behind a computer, so that might be part of it.

 

But DH is an accountant and he is busy all the time too.  He is quite efficient and is actually able to leave on time most days, unlike some of his co-workers, but he definitely is not bored.  He also cannot leave on time during busy season…….that he has to stay for because there is so much work.

Dawn

[momma2three]

I think the point is that cultural expectations have changed.

 

In the 1950s, the primary expectation of women who didn't work outside the home was that they were expected to keep their house spotless.  That was their entire job.  Children were expected to basically entertain themselves, and not get the house messy.  And, honestly, this is a standard that even working women could probably manage to achieve.  I think that, if you lived in a neighborhood full of other housewives, there was a lot more adult interaction.  My mother remembers that her mother, and then her grandmother (who moved in to take care of the house and her when her mother died when my mom was 9) got together with the other mothers on their street every afternoon at 1 for coffee.  They'd take turns on who hosted it, and the host provided a coffee cake.  The kids were put to bed early or expected to watch TV or hang out in their rooms after dinner, giving plenty of time for the husband and wife to talk.

 

Now, women who don't work outside the home are expected to be "moms" first and foremost.  They're expected to spend the mornings taking their babies to baby class, then come home to make home-made baby food, then spend the afternoon driving the older kids to different after-school activities every day, then go home and make a delicious, healthy, organic dinner, and then spend the evening helping their kids with homework.  I think that this is a route that's much more likely to end in burnout and unhappiness.  You're also spending all of your energy on your kids, which, let's be honest, oftentimes is a totally thankless job that offers few immediate social rewards in the way that adult friendships to.  And all of these things take a lot of time that working mothers don't have.  I know so many working mothers who feel so guilty that they never signed their babies up for Gymboree classes... which IMO is absurd because for me those things were time-fillers so I could get out of the house and see other adults.  But they definitely feel like there is a great deal of negative judgement towards parents (mostly mothers) who don't do enough activities with their kids.

 

That said, I also don't think that a life spent waxing your floors sounds terribly fascinating.  But I think the point of the quote is that it's not so much what we as individuals want, but what society expects from us.  And that the ned expectations are a lot more intensive, a lot more expensive, allow for less adult interaction, and don't actually make anyone any happier.

[SKL]

Yeah, I can't say I've ever felt like I didn't have enough work to do at my job - except in the 2nd year of my 1st job, when I had outgrown the position and needed to find something more challenging.  Not sure whether this means I am ambitious or inefficient, LOL.  Then again, I usually had more than one job, so that could have been a factor.

[SKL]

As far as satisfaction goes, my mom always said she would have loved the life of a housewife if only her husband didn't degrade it.  I guess in those days, it made one feel like a man if he belittled his wife's contribution to the household.  (Could have been a blue collar thing or a young guy thing, I don't know.)  My mom couldn't take the sneering about "what do YOU do all day" so she went out and got a job, much to my dad's chagrin.  Then again, my mom might have been a bit more on the "strong woman" side of the continuum for those days.

 

Personally, I really like housework but I really need something more intellectual.  I have a nice balance since I work at home.  Though there are many times I wish I could just take a day off and do nothing but domestic stuff, without work guilt.

[Jenny in Florida]

Wondering what sorts of jobs you all did that had you bored all the time?

 

Primarily, I was a technical editor and instructional writer. I wrote and edited all kinds of user guides and manuals for everything from proprietary software to tax and accounting practices. (Your husband probably has updated versions of some of the products I worked on sitting on his shelves.)

 

For the last couple of years that I worked full time, I designed and programmed computer-based training packages for my employer and occasional outside companies. (They liked what I did and started to hire me out to others.)

[SKL]

Interesting SKL, my grandfather belittled my grandmother if she went out and got a job.  He saw that as a failure on his part.  He was supposed to earn the money.  She was supposed to stay home.  And he refused to ever help around the house.

 

The first time my mom did it, my dad went and dragged her home.  (This was before kids, when they were like 18 and 20.)  They then had a "talk."  It was a while before she went back and became a career woman for good.

 

[awisha.]

As far as satisfaction goes, my mom always said she would have loved the life of a housewife if only her husband didn't degrade it.  I guess in those days, it made one feel like a man if he belittled his wife's contribution to the household.  (Could have been a blue collar thing or a young guy thing, I don't know.)  My mom couldn't take the sneering about "what do YOU do all day" so she went out and got a job, much to my dad's chagrin.  Then again, my mom might have been a bit more on the "strong woman" side of the continuum for those days.

 

Personally, I really like housework but I really need something more intellectual.  I have a nice balance since I work at home.  Though there are many times I wish I could just take a day off and do nothing but domestic stuff, without work guilt.

I'd really like housework too if I had a housekeeper, only had to change the sheets once a year and wash towels once in a while.

[SKL]

Not on topic, but I do not have a housekeeper...  I pay maids to wash floors and vacuum once a month.  Carry on....

[Catwoman]

I was! I was trying to make it obvious, but couldn't find the indent thing, but now I have, so -- I am going to go reformat my original post...

 

ETA: I have changed the color to a rust, and indented the quote.

Ooh! Now it looks all fancy!!! :hurray:

[awisha.]

Not on topic, but I do not have a housekeeper...  I pay maids to wash floors and vacuum once a month.  Carry on....

My point exactly.

[momma2three]

Of course, the gathering of all the housewives on the block circa 1950 at 1pm every day for an hour of hanging out with your peers was made possible because at 1pm the older kids were back at school (they went home for lunch)... and the under 5s were at home napping.  I can only imagine the CPS case nowadays if an entire block of babies were left home alone for an hour while their moms went to a party down the street.  So it's not quite so easy as just saying "in the good old days kids entertained themselves and adults got to hang out with other adults!"

 

Although I would LOVE to learn the trick of making kids nap until they're 5.  My mother was in NY, with a school cutoff of December 31st.  The kids who were still 4 when they started school were always put in the morning kindergarten, because it was expected that 4 year olds would still take an afternoon nap!

[Joker]

Of course, the gathering of all the housewives on the block circa 1950 at 1pm every day for an hour of hanging out with your peers was made possible because at 1pm the older kids were back at school (they went home for lunch)... and the under 5s were at home napping.  I can only imagine the CPS case nowadays if an entire block of babies were left home alone for an hour while their moms went to a party down the street.  So it's not quite so easy as just saying "in the good old days kids entertained themselves and adults got to hang out with other adults!"

 

Although I would LOVE to learn the trick of making kids nap until they're 5.  My mother was in NY, with a school cutoff of December 31st.  The kids who were still 4 when they started school were always put in the morning kindergarten, because it was expected that 4 year olds would still take an afternoon nap!

 

I was in Kindergarten in 1982 and we had to take naps every stinking day! Both of my dds stopped napping at two...

[T'smom]

If my main "job" staying home was to take care of the house instead of the kids..... I would be getting a job pretty darn quick. I cannot imagine how much that would suck. I think the shift in focus to kids and away from sparking floors is good thing.

[Tmhearn]

I think the point is that cultural expectations have changed.

 

In the 1950s, the primary expectation of women who didn't work outside the home was that they were expected to keep their house spotless. That was their entire job. Children were expected to basically entertain themselves, and not get the house messy. And, honestly, this is a standard that even working women could probably manage to achieve. I think that, if you lived in a neighborhood full of other housewives, there was a lot more adult interaction. My mother remembers that her mother, and then her grandmother (who moved in to take care of the house and her when her mother died when my mom was 9) got together with the other mothers on their street every afternoon at 1 for coffee. They'd take turns on who hosted it, and the host provided a coffee cake. The kids were put to bed early or expected to watch TV or hang out in their rooms after dinner, giving plenty of time for the husband and wife to talk.

 

Now, women who don't work outside the home are expected to be "moms" first and foremost. They're expected to spend the mornings taking their babies to baby class, then come home to make home-made baby food, then spend the afternoon driving the older kids to different after-school activities every day, then go home and make a delicious, healthy, organic dinner, and then spend the evening helping their kids with homework. I think that this is a route that's much more likely to end in burnout and unhappiness. You're also spending all of your energy on your kids, which, let's be honest, oftentimes is a totally thankless job that offers few immediate social rewards in the way that adult friendships

Exactly! And if you are doing all of this without any help, it is hard. And that is what I got from this guy's article.

 

I get so frustrated with reading on here how I must be doing something wrong if I am totally burned out and overwhelmed. I really am just trying to do my best with very little support. I'm not a martyr. I just don't have the help and support so many people on here seem to have.

 

And that is a huge difference for moms nowadays. Most of my friends are in a similar situation. No family nearby. Not enough money for a maid or housekeep. Several little children at home all day long. It is different from the moms of the 1950's

[mohini]

Yup. Cultural expectations have changed. When my mother came of age, she was expected to choose between career and family. When I was growing up, however, I knew that I would be expected to both mother/ wife/ caretaker and also to cultivate a fabulously successful career. Turns out that it's nearly impossible to do both (at least for me.) So basically, many women in my generation are destined to feel like failures either because they are not able to remain competitive in the workplace or because they cannot take the time they feel they should to cook, spend time with their kids etc... Of course, neither woman is a failure, in many cases she is doing WAY more than the women of generations past. But here we are, arguing about what it means to be a mother, a career woman, a home maker, a wife or friend. We are arguing about who has more work and who has more leisure. Sadly, It all comes down to people speculating about which decision is more selfish.  It seems to me that we should be asking why we are stigmatized for either decision and why we feel the need to defend our choices. I would assert that it is because many women secretly feel guilty for whichever choice they have made because society has set out an impossible task for them -  women are expected to sacrifice their careers for their families.... and their families for their careers and still be amazing at both. 

 

I also recognize that even though it is still a gender issue, it is not about gender.  I know as many sah dads as sahm's and they support and nurture their children and spouses as well (and btw are surely stigmatized for it too and maybe more.) 

 

I don't think working or staying home is universally superior. I admire my working friends and I know that in many cases they are "doing both." When I consider their lives though, I am filled with conflict. Could I leave my children in daycare? I would surely enjoy the company of adults and the challenges of the workplace.  How could I even consider only seeing my kids on weekends and evenings? Who would cook dinner? Finally, I wonder what I should call myself. Surely not a housewife or a home-maker. Maybe a homeschooler? or a mother? And it occurs to me what a strange question it is that we ask each other all the time: "So what do you do?"

 

I think putting the arms on lego men is as good an answer as any. ;)

[AMJ]

I used to have a full-time paycheck job.  When I couldn't handle the workload of that full-time job plus the many varied demands of home (household, children, father with some medical issues) I switched to part-time temporarily through a time of crisis.  When I realized that I would never be able to return to full-time status at my job and that my health was going downhill fast from the stress of trying to balance it all I quit my paycheck job.  Undying gratitude to DH, who convinced me we could afford for me to drop my income.

 

I was so depleted I was a couch potato for 2 solid months after I stopped my paycheck job.  I sat and napped and vegetated.  It was a rest I desperately needed.  Then I found the strength to get up, start cleaning up a bit, and start dealing with matters.

 

I was a stay-at-home mom while my kids were attending grade school at a private school.  I volunteered at the school, I helped my dad (long-distance) with things as best I could, and I agonized over the hours my kids spent each afternoon on homework.  I engaged myself with others as much as I felt I could handle, and felt my mind stultifying.  I missed the lively interaction and mental challenge of my paycheck job, even while I was relieved to not have the office politics, commute, and other headaches involved.  I had plenty of down-time (largely through neglect of housework), but no direction for it.

 

Then we decided to homeschool, and life for us all is so much better.

 

I now have a MASSIVE workload again, what with planning and giving lessons, dealing with sundry family crises that arise (including more stuff regarding Dad), schedules that get sabotaged, and precious little down-time.  But I get to see my kids' brains at work, watch the gears spin in their heads, and it's addictive.  It's also the greatest mental stimulation I've EVER had.  I'm right there with them, learning and discovering alongside of them.  There is so much new stuff since I have been in school, and new ways of doing things.  They ask so many great, thought-provoking questions.  And I get to show them things, introduce them to topics, that we never had time for back in the brick-and-mortar school days.

 

I work best when I'm allowed to work uninterrupted on one thing at a time.  I can really crank out creative and insightful work that way.  That is not the situation I have now, and the challenge is brain-expanding.  I will always have too much housework, too many family matters to attend to, too many people needing my time and attention.  I will rarely have alone time, which I used to need daily in order to be able to function.  I will even more rarely have uninterrupted time in which to focus on one particular thing at a time.

 

But I will have an engagement with my kids and DH.  I will have taken the time to help my dad and others dear to me through the rough spots.  I will have the challenge to learn to create the environmental elements I always needed (or thought I needed), or to adapt to the fact that they never will be.

 

I am just as overloaded now as I ever was with the paycheck job, and the near- to mid-term future promises to add more to my load.  But I can handle it, because I have what I need to adapt; I have what is dearest to me taking highest priority.  Everything else can just wait its turn, or fall off my list entirely.

 

I define what make my life perfect, not anyone else.  Some of the greatest lessons I've learned to get this far came from stay-at-home moms I know, and from being a stay-at-home mom myself.  It's the biggest challenge of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

[Dmmetler]

Well, my DD stopped at 2-but then at 4 started PS K, and would fall asleep in the car on the way home daily. Maybe if you've got kids in a daycare setting with more children, or have larger families with more going on, kids nap longer?

 

 

[SKL]

My kids napped until they were 5, and one of them would still nap (age 7) if it were feasible.  I know, lucky me.  ;)