Processing at the end of life -- help me with a positive project, please.

[Halftime Hope]

So, I'm sitting bedside vigil with my brother and his wife, as my mom lingers, still holding on by a thread.  She could go at any moment (and she's been in that stage for about four days). 

 

That's given dad the time to start processing and verbalizing, many old stories that I've heard before, and many of them focused on the hurts, disappointments, and injustices in his life.  (They have been through some really disappointing things, things which would classify as major, memorable setbacks in a person's life.)  It's clear that he is doing some end of life tasks, too, and I'd be very surprised if he outlived Mom by much time at all:   she has been his mainstay.

 

However, I need for Dad to begin to change direction and focus on what has gone well, what he's thankful for, what Mom meant to him, what they accomplished, people who were dear to them, dreams realized, etc.

 

Could you all rub two upbeat brain cells together--if you are interested--and collectively, we'll put together a series of prompts/conversation starters that will point him in a more personally fulfilling direction? 

 

Thank you so much.  I'm bone-tired, exhausted emotionally, and this end-care stuff is just physically really tough.  Tomorrow the caregiver is coming, and I'm going to go walk (I haven't been out of the house in two and a half days), breathe fresh air, and then sleep the sleep of the worn out. 

 

Thank you so much, and please know how much I appreciate your kindness.  

[myfunnybunch]

"That sounds like a frustrating/desperate/agonizing/(insert appropriate adj. here) experience. What did you learn from it? What gave you the strength to face it? What strengths did you see in the people around you? How were out able to use that experience to help others? Etc."

Obviously, you wouldn't use all of those at once, but it might be useful to have some transition questions.

Old photos of good times might bring back some good memories too.

Many hugs and prayers for all of you.

Cat

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[nd293]

I think it would really depend on what sort of person he is, and what your usual interactions are like. Personally, it would really hurt and anger me if people tried to 'talk me down' when I was expressing disappointment with my life. It would feel very dismissive. On the other hand, being told "I'm so proud at how you dusted yourself off after X happened." or "I know how difficult that was for you, and I really tried to learn from your experience" or "I really appreciate how you carried on for your family in the face of such hard times" would make me feel acknowledged, and might help me see some silver lining, perhaps.

 

I hope you get the rest you need as you care for your mother and father.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

hugs to you and your family in this stressful time. sounds like your father is starting the grieving process.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Tricky, since that he IS processing, the way his particular brain wants to process, and you don't want to stop that. It could turn out that the positives will come about well afterward, which is pretty normal, IMO. You may have to wing it, working in little conversational side roads about positive details about negative events. Hard to do when exhausted already.

 

Either way, know that just being the listener, regardless of the content, is a huge, valuable, and mostly under-rated role. That you are doing it is more service than anyone can appreciate in the moment.

[OneStepAtATime]

I am so sorry you are going through this and I know how utterly exhausting, just bone wearingly draining this can be.  (I went through this when my dad was dying just a few years ago).  I agree with PPs that your dad is going through a process that probably needs to happen, as hard as it is for you to have to hear it right now and as worrying as it is to hear someone dwell on all the negatives.  But as with PPs, you could try phrasing things in a way that does acknowledge his struggles, while maybe sharing with him some positives you got from those struggles.

 

Can you think of any specific stories you want to ask questions about?  Things that helped make you stronger in some way, or you admired about him or your mom because of whatever happened?  Or put them or you on a different path that, in the long run, turned out to really be helpful or inspiring or at least a better option than before?

 

Or maybe you could ask some gentle questions about neutral events that you always wondered about.  For instance, I always wondered why Dad loved life guarding so much as a teenager when he normally hated sitting still.  I pictured him up there all day supervising on the observation tower getting really bored.  We ended up having a nice conversation about some happy moments from his teenage years, moments I had never heard about before.

 

I don't know.  Everyone is different.  But maybe he just really does need to just have someone listen to him with love and sympathy and support and just let him go through this process without trying to steer him on a different path just yet.  I realize you also probably need someone to listen to you, right now, and you are so exhausted physically and emotionally that hearing all of his unhappiness and disappointments and frustrations and regrets will be even more draining.  I am so sorry.

 

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.  I hope you find a good path and that you and your family can provide each other the support you all need.  Best wishes and a heartfelt long distance virtual hug.  :grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

I would so much rather he spent this time talking to her, focusing on her, remembering what she has meant to him, saying what he needs to say to her before she's gone.  Instead he was talking about some things that were important, but some were just "Really? Why are we talking about So-and-so who was of zero consequence in your life?"   That's what pushed me into asking for help. 

 

Thank you for helping me understand what he's doing.  I still think it would be beneficial to ask him questions that give him a better place to dwell, but I'll bet I can do that with a bit more grace.  Thank you.

[OneStepAtATime]

I would so much rather he spent this time talking to her, focusing on her, remembering what she has meant to him, saying what he needs to say to her before she's gone.  Instead he was talking about some things that were important, but some were just "Really? Why are we talking about So-and-so who was of zero consequence in your life?"   That's what pushed me into asking for help. 

 

Thank you for helping me understand what he's doing.  I still think it would be beneficial to ask him questions that give him a better place to dwell, but I'll bet I can do that with a bit more grace.  Thank you.

Maybe if you ask him to share some stories from his past that involved your mom and you know were positive or helped you in some way you could share with each other and he could focus more on his dying wife and some of the happier moments.  I know when I was going through a grieving process, sometimes the most bizarre and unrelated things came to mind, whether it made sense at the time or not, but having someone who shared perspectives I had not heard or stories I didn't know about was helpful.  Just don't expect his reactions to be anywhere near normal.  He is processing a lifetime right now.  And you never know how someone will deal with grief.

 

In fact, when my maternal grandfather died, I actually just was going through the motions during those last weeks and then at the funeral and for months afterwards, still not really processing.  Who knows what I said or thought?  It was a total blur.  We were close and it just seemed so unfathomable that he could be gone.  Finally, on the way to work one day, out of the blue, it finally hit me and I started crying uncontrollably.  I calmed down, called my mother, and apologized for not being more supportive and understanding and we talked for a long time.  It was the talk we should have had when her dad was dying, but I was not ready.  Unfair of me, but when you deal with grieving and loss, sometimes you aren't really as in control of how you react or what you say as you would like to be.  Not sure I am making much sense.

 

I really am so sorry you are having to deal with this.  Best wishes, to you and your family.

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Ali in OR]

Brings back memories of my mom's final week. I have 2 brothers and a sister and we were all there. Some of the special things I remember from that time:

-we all shared "top ten" memories with Mom. Mine was a letter I wrote to her several weeks before and had things like planning my wedding, funny things that happened on some memorable trips, simple things like sometimes getting Baskin Robbins ice cream after errands, etc. My brothers and sisters did the same. She appreciated that. And then I kept my letter after she passed, so it's a memory for me too.

-my brother read from his travel diary from a trip when he was 12--it was hilarious.

-we reflected on her life, how this sweet little house we all thought of as more recent history was the place she lived the longest in her life. She loved the house and liked talking about it.

-we always had someone sitting with Mom, but she was often not really with us--processing in her own way.

 

Thinking of you and your family during these hard days.

[aggieamy]

I'm sorry.  

 

Can you start by sharing a happy memory and see if he'll build on that?

 

Something like ....  "Remember that time we went to Yellowstone as kids and we saw those crazy tourists trying to chase a bear.  That was one of my favorite memories of that trip.  What was your favorite part of the trip?  What was your favorite vacation we took?"

 

 

[Halftime Hope]

Thank you everyone.  I'd be surprised if she made it through the night, but we're going with the flow.  This is quite a journey:  I've been a caregiver before, but my FIL passed unexpectedly in the hospital after the many months I had cared for him at home.  I'm going to take this much harder because this is my own Mom, even though I loved my FIL dearly.   Sigh.  (I'm processing, too.)

 

ETA:  I wanted to say again, and maybe more meaningfully, thank you so much.  Each of you has shared from your heart, thoughtfully, and I really, really value the many different ways you've helped.

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Thank you everyone.  I'd be surprised if she made it through the night, but we're going with the flow.  This is quite a journey:  I've been a caregiver before, but my FIL passed unexpectedly in the hospital after the many months I had cared for him at home.  I'm going to take this much harder because this is my own Mom, even though I loved my FIL dearly.   Sigh.  (I'm processing, too.)

 

ETA:  I wanted to say again, and maybe more meaningfully, thank you so much.  Each of you has shared from your heart, thoughtfully, and I really, really value the many different ways you've helped.

Best wishes...truly.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[texasmama]

(((Hugs)))

 

People process their grief so differently. Much peace to your whole family.

 

My best advice is to process how you need to and don't personalize other people's processing. I speak from the experience of losing my

mom and having my dad be amazingly and horrifyingly (truly, jaw-droppingly so) insensitive to my brother and me. He did not stay in that horrible place. I had to put a wall up to avoid letting it hurt me.

[Peaceful Isle]

Prayer and hugs to you during this time. It can be so exhausting.

[Susan C.]

:grouphug:

Halftime,

Please make sure you say and do all you want/need to your mom before she passes.

[Danestress]

I am so sorry. This is a very difficult time, and in the closest and most thoughtful families, differences in how people cope with last days can cause hurt and pain (along with love, support, compassion).

 

Your dad perhaps needs something different from what you need. It is entirely possible that your mother can be comforted on some level by your father wanting to talk or think about some of the past griefs. In some families these things are not fully dealt with, and perhaps it is a gift to her that he is being honest. Sometimes things get swept under a rug in marriage, and emotional intimacy is degraded a bit by that.

 

But if it is distressing her or you (or if it's really not good for him) I think you can distract gently. Maybe ask your dad follow up questions, but let it move into the positive zone. I was taught once that when in doubt, just repeat the last thing a person says. So you can hear him say, "We got screwed on that deal." And you might repeat that. "You got screwed?" Let him continue. That lets him feel listened to, but then eventually you say something like, "I don't remember it being so scary. You must have protected us kids from having to worry about it" Or "Do you remember how Mom made a game of saving money so that you could pay that debt off?" Or whatever. Actively listen, but then also share you more positive observations.

 

It's so hard. Sometimes as people age, they do get very negative or focused on things that can't be changed. I struggle myself with when to try to cheer things up and when to just listen and accept with my widowed MIL.

 

My heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself as best you can, and update us over the next few days. I will pray for you - I hope that is ok.

[Halftime Hope]

Thank you again for everyone who has chimed in.  I can't tell you how much your encouragement and support means.  She is still with us.  Dad was crying in his sleep earlier, bless him.

 

 

[Mothersweets]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Heatherwith4]

:grouphug: Praying for your family.

[Corbster98]

I am praying for you all as well. This post touches me so much as I just sat with my father last April as he was dying from ALS. It was such a beautiful, exhausting experience for our family. Everyone grieves so differently... be gentle and kind with one another, as well as yourself.