Do you think we're handling this correctly with our 17 year old?

[ChristusG]

Our situation is probably a bit different than most. Our nephew came to live with us when he was 16. He's now about to turn 18 and a senior in high school. He's doing the virtual school online. He's always had very good grades, but this year he's begun to slack off.

 

A little background....his mom never really monitored him. He's a GOOD kid, but he's always had WAY too much freedom with internet, going where he wants, doing what he wants, playing whatever video games he wants, no one to monitor phone usage, etc. So when he moved here, we gave him more freedom than what we would with our own children (thankfully, they are much younger so this does not present an issue). We allowed him such things as having whatever video games he was used to playing (mainly first person shooter games), allowing internet in his room (we'll never do this with our kids), and keeping his phone with him at all hours of the night. We figured that if we suddenly took all these things away from him, then the combination of that and moving two states away (leaving his school, church, friends, etc), would be a lot for a teen and it would all backfire. Like I said, he really is a very good and trustworthy kid....in spite of his background.

 

We've also allowed him to be mostly in charge of his schooling in the online virtual school. DH checks his status and grades every morning, makes sure he's doing his assignments, etc, but for the most part my nephew in charge of this. He's always been in charge of his own schooling before, it just wasn't a virtual school before he moved here (and the virtual school was his choice.....he didn't want to go to the public school here). Here lately, he's begun to slack off though. During "school hours" he'll play video games, take a nap, surf the internet, practice guitar, practice card tricks. etc. He's far behind in a certain subject (because he doesn't like the assignments) and he only has a week to catch up before the semester ends.

 

DH has spoken with him several times about this. Nephew becomes angry, says DH is nagging him and that the assignments are stupid and pointless. DH tries to explain that in life, sometimes things may seem stupid and pointless but you have to do them anyways.

 

DH is wondering if we should have been "harder" on him.....like taking video games away during the daytime in hopes that this would take away distractions so that he can better focus on schoolwork, etc. I think this would have backfired (again, because of the combination of the freedoms he is accustomed to having and having to be uprooted to move here when he was 16, etc). Yes, with my own children, I will not hesitate to use this sort of method if needed. But I think that we have to deal differently with nephew. I think that we've done just fine in how we've handled it, but DH is second guessing it. I believe that we've done what needs to be done. DH has talked to nephew about it, stressed the importance (in a non-nagging way....I've listened), and reminded him about the assignments several times in the last few weeks.....stressing to him that if he cracked down, he could catch up. Nephew has still put it off. The semester is coming to a close and DH is worried that he could fail....possibly causing him not to graduate. I feel that if he fails, then he fails. He's nearly 18 years old and if he chooses to fail the last half of his very last year, then that's something that he chooses to do. You can't hold his hand and make him do his schoolwork at nearly 18 years old. Nephew wants to join the military after this. If his commander tells him to do something, he can't choose not to do it because he thinks it is stupid and pointless.

 

Do you think we've handled it well or would you have been "harder" on him? This is honestly the only issue we've had with nephew.

[Garga]

Hindsight is always 20/20. Does it really matter if you should have done things differently? You can't change it now.

 

Ron Clark is an amazing teacher who won Teacher of the Year a few times and then started his own school. It's a pretty amazing school and I have the deepest respect for this guy.

 

He says that at the beginning of a new school year he is hard on the kids. He says it's always easier to loosen up, and he always loosens up, rather than having to toughen up mid year.

 

Based on that, I think you should have been tougher in the beginning. I think that since your nephew knew he was going into a new home he would have understood if you had different rules and would have probably gone along with them. You might not have been quite as strict with him as with your smaller kids, but I do think you should have been more true to your house rules.

 

Because now it'll be really hard to toughen up. Now, instead of him folding into your family and going along with the rules that are in place, now he'll see it as a change directed at him. The loose routines and low expectations have been set and suddenly you're changing the rules on him.

 

I don't know the entire situation, but that's how I read it based on the one post above.

[RanchGirl]

If it were my own child, I would probably say something like you're right, I hate the nagging too. So instead of nagging you, I'll give you until the one week deadline to catch up in X class. You decide how to do that, because you're a responsible kid. If you don't catch up by the deadline, I'll help you out by removing video games until the work is done. Now how about an cream sundae?

 

I *think* I would handle the nephew the same way if he is capable of the work, and there are no other emotional issues in the way... But I can certainly understand the hesitation. I would like to understand why things are changing now if he has been good about staying caught up in the past, but teen boys can be really difficult to get answers from!

[dragons in the flower bed]

You know that bit in To Kill a Mockingbird where Atticus is like, "I've never had to punish you before... please don't make me now"? Or possibly I am remembering it incorrectly. But that's how I've used it with stepkids and it's worked.

 

I would sit down, the three of you, and ask him or prompt him to think through the natural consequences of failing this course. And then I'd say something like, "Look, this is awkward, because you're not our own kids, and we've been trying to give you a lot of what you're used to, and we know you're not used to crazy nagging and forcing you to do stuff. But we feel like we'd be failing you if we let you fail this course. So we can't let you fail it. Maybe we're wrong, and there won't be any value to persevering through the last dumb assignments, in the long run. We admit we're kind of afraid of hurting our relationship with you by forcing this. But we also suspect that it really is important to finish it. So we do have to make you.... Only we want to ask you to please not make us make you. We could be hardarses and take the video games out of your hands during the day, but you're almost a grown-up and that feels like a dick move. So could you please, please, just comply with us on this one thing, and not make us have to get confrontational? And if that's too hard, we hope you'll forgive us and be understanding when we have to force you to do it. Please remember we're just trying to do what's best for you."

 

Super open, super honest heart-to-hearts like that have been pretty useful with my stepteens and now with my own 13yo I'm finding they're just as killer. Kids might be grumpy, but when they see you so willing to be honest, wwhen they know that you aren't sure you're right but you are trying to do your best, they interpret it more kindly. The teen who is thinking "they're idiots, but they're trying to do what's good for me in their own idiot way," is a MUCH easier teen to deal with than the one who is thinking, "they're idiots! they just like fighting me!"
 

[ThisIsTheDay]

I think you understand the situation your nephew was in and that it would have been very difficult to impose a lot of restrictions on him when he came to live with you. 

 

Is it possible that he is scared to graduate, scared you won't be there for him, or scared of something else that may cause his current behavior? 

 

If I were in your shoes, I think I would give it another shot but approach it a little differently, sitting down with him and telling him, look, we've done all that we know how to do. We've wanted to give you every opportunity you deserved. We love you. We want you to see this through.  How can we help you do this?

 

What does *he* think you should be doing at this point?

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

[kroe1]

I assume you do not want this boy living in your wallet forever.

 

Keep in mind I work in an ER so I am jaded and think everything is bad.

 

1. Change in schoolwork means drugs or girl until proven otherwise. Look for those distractions. Go through the room, check his messages, and check his internet history.

2. Do not allow him to tell you or DH that you are picking in him or being unreasonable. It is your house and your rules. There should be no challenges to that. When he gets his own wallet, he can make his own rules.

3. It does not sound like he has any consequences for his slacking other than your DH whining. It is time to get tough, make some threats, and then carry them out. Warn him what will happen if 'X' is not completed on time.

4. Help him figure out his own goals. Sometimes teens get scared if they do not have a plan for after 18. Failure seems like a better option that trying to figure out life's goals. Does he know how he will get to college, how the bills will be paid, where he will live, etc,?

[73349]

What is his plan for after graduation? If he's happy at your house and not so sure about what comes next, succeeding this year might be scary.

 

That said, if he fails to make the deadline, I'd power down the devices--but in conjunction with an honest conversation like PPs have suggested.

[lmrich]

At least you have learned what to do in the future. I think it is of for you to sit down and be really honest.

We have never had a teenager, we made a mistake and gave you too much freedom. We are so sorry that we did not give you the support you needed, now we now you need us more than we thought. We will make some boundaries for you so you can stay focused (explain less distraction means more focus) and then lay out the plan for getting the school work done. Do not take away everything. But say between the hours of 9 - 4 it is school, an hour break for lunch and outside time. Then evening homework if any is between 8 -10. During that time you can hold on to his phone and game controller. If he works in his room the door is open. If he finishes early he needs to show you and you praise him. I would only allow phone and video game after four, that is similar to school.

 

Best of luck. You are in a sticky situation.

[Another Lynn]

I don't think you could have taken all that away in the beginning.  I think senior burn out is normal.  I think you're going to have to let him choose, even if he chooses to fail.  If that's his choice there are certainly other consequences.... will he need to retake the class? or take a different class to meet that credit requirement?  What are his goals?  Does he want to graduate?  What's the shortest path to doing so that he's willing to implement?  Perhaps it's time for a part time job.  Let him get a taste of the real world?  What are his social interactions?  I had a very hard time staying motivated senior year, and I was a straight A, college prep student.  I can't imagine how hard it would have been in a virtual school setting.  (Not at all criticizing the virtual school choice - it makes perfect sense in this situation - I'm just saying I can relate to the lack of motivation at this point). 

[Laura Corin]

Rather than being 'harder on him', I'd step back and see it from his point of view.  If necessary, apologise for treating him like a younger child and ask for his help in moving forward.  He's almost adult and it's time to be moving towards his goals, rather than yours.  If he wants to go to college, then sit him down and talk about his goals and how he wants to attain them.  Let him suggest to you that maybe he's mucking about too much.  Then ask if he would like help limiting the time-wasting activities.

 

Good luck.

 

L

[elegantlion]

I would start with the question of the assignment being pointless. I can see my ds saying the same thing. Probably a lot of them are. He might be the type to abhor busy work. If military is his next step, I would help him find out what failing might do to his enlistment. Then I would give him the "yes, it's boring and pointless, but it will help you get (insert next step)." There is a fine line between what seems like nagging and the "Hey, I've been there too. It'll be worth it" speech. 

 

It could be fear too. What is the plan if he decides not to go into the military? College? Is he still going to be living with you? 

 

Honestly, if your dh comes across as "nagging" to him, you might talking with him. Help him develop a game plan. I wouldn't take away the freedoms as that would probably backfire at this point and cause him to shut down more or shut you out. I would ask a lot of leading questions like "do you think it would be a good idea to limit game usage during the day?" Does he work in his room? Help him be accountable to his own plan and his own goals. 

 

I do think you need to be gentle because it's easy to self-sabotage your own plans at that age when you've had a stable family life. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Does he have any really concrete, useful outside interests that could be turned into a career?  Or a hobby that gives him some focus and a good sense of self?   If not, he may very well be feeling fearful of the future and uncertain of who he really is inside.  As others have said, talk to him in a non-judgemental, supportive, open way.  You might even ask him to write down his thoughts about why he is having difficulty staying on task, where he would like to go after graduation and even what he would like to see himself doing in 5 or 10 years time.

 

He may also really, really be bored and see no point in the work, especially if it is really cookie cutter material that doesn't challenge his creative or big picture side or doesn't tap into any talents he may have.  My nephew is brilliant, but he floundered in Junior and Senior year high school.  The material was just not very interesting or challenging in a good way.  When they finally had a frank conversation with him, talked with his teachers, then went ahead and enrolled him in college courses, he thrived.

 

Don't go beating yourself up over the potential missteps of the past.  You tried hard, did the best you could and have provided him with a stable loving home.  There is no way to know if being stricter with him in the beginning would have helped or backfired. In the here and now is what matters.  Work hard to make certain he feels supported, and to find the root cause of his lack of motivation, whether it be fear of the future, lack of a sense of self, boredom with the material, drugs, girlfriend, whatever....

 

And best wishes to you and your family.  I hope you find a path that works for all of you.

[texasmama]

I've not read any of the other responses and am only responding to the original post.  I offer no opinions about what you should from here on out.  What I want to say is this:  Bravo!  You took in a child who was not your own far into his teen years and have made this situation work out very well for him and for your family.  You adjusted your expectations based on his background, treating him like the individual he is and not like a child you had parented from day one.  It truly sounds like you have done everything with careful thought and that at this point, your nephew is almost an adult and is making his own decisions, as he should, with feedback from you.  Again, I say, Bravo!  Well done.  He is now responsible for his life choices from here on out.  I do believe that the good things you planted in him will bear fruit.  All the best to you and dh.  Have no regrets - you have both done a good thing here with no crystal ball to guide you.

[Brenda in MA]

Christus,

 

I haven't read any of the other replies, but I personally think you handled the transition of your nephew to your house very well. I think you were correct about putting too many limitations on him.

 

What I would suggest is having your dh "come beside him" for a little while until he is up to speed with his assignments. Take the boy out for lunch and/or ice cream where the two of them can calmly discuss the situation and are "trapped" waiting for the food order. I would also suggest that your dh sit down with him and help him with the assignments in the tough area. They could both acknowledge that the assignments are not too meaningful, but your dh needs to have a calm conversation about the realities of failing the course. He needs to be honest about having to take the course again (go through the same pointless stuff a second time???, delay getting on in life???). If he's generally a good kid, it sounds like he just needs a "boost" for a little while to get through a rough patch. At the same time, make sure both of you praise him for the things he is doing well and the progress that he's made.

 

I've had two boys go through 12th grade so far, and even without the family upheaval, it is still a tough time, mostly due to the uncertainty of the future. Your nephew really needs the love and assurance that you guys will support him in his move towards independence. If he wants the military, could your dh go with him to a recruiter to talk about the possibilities and also the reality of needing that high school diploma to move on to the next step?

 

Best wishes and many kudos to you and your dh for taking on the responsibility of "launching" your nephew,

Brenda

[foxbridgeacademy]

You know that bit in To Kill a Mockingbird where Atticus is like, "I've never had to punish you before... please don't make me now"? Or possibly I am remembering it incorrectly. But that's how I've used it with stepkids and it's worked.

 

I would sit down, the three of you, and ask him or prompt him to think through the natural consequences of failing this course. And then I'd say something like, "Look, this is awkward, because you're not our own kids, and we've been trying to give you a lot of what you're used to, and we know you're not used to crazy nagging and forcing you to do stuff. But we feel like we'd be failing you if we let you fail this course. So we can't let you fail it. Maybe we're wrong, and there won't be any value to persevering through the last dumb assignments, in the long run. We admit we're kind of afraid of hurting our relationship with you by forcing this. But we also suspect that it really is important to finish it. So we do have to make you.... Only we want to ask you to please not make us make you. We could be hardarses and take the video games out of your hands during the day, but you're almost a grown-up and that feels like a dick move. So could you please, please, just comply with us on this one thing, and not make us have to get confrontational? And if that's too hard, we hope you'll forgive us and be understanding when we have to force you to do it. Please remember we're just trying to do what's best for you."

 

Super open, super honest heart-to-hearts like that have been pretty useful with my stepteens and now with my own 13yo I'm finding they're just as killer. Kids might be grumpy, but when they see you so willing to be honest, wwhen they know that you aren't sure you're right but you are trying to do your best, they interpret it more kindly. The teen who is thinking "they're idiots, but they're trying to do what's good for me in their own idiot way," is a MUCH easier teen to deal with than the one who is thinking, "they're idiots! they just like fighting me!"

 

This is what I would do.  I would also remind your DH that the nephew not doing his work is not a personal attack ( some men tend to get defensive about these things).  I would also discuss with nephew why he is having trouble.... it really could be that he thinks the class is stupid and is just having trouble making himself do it.  It could be something more, I wouldn't assume, I would ask.  Remind him of his goals, remind him that you'll be there for him (I assume) no matter what.  Another more practical thought..... can he drop the class?  If not does he need help?  Maybe he needs someone to sit down with him and go over the work each day?